Worry

 I am sure I had a better title when I was originally thinking this up but no such luck now. I decided to put something out hoping it both speaks to people who have had to go through their own health issues and to encourage discussion and testing as a public health message. Mostly when I write, I think about my kids reading this as adults and I hope the message speaks to them.

Let’s start at the beginning. I’m having surgery today to remove what the doctor believes is a benign growth. There’s a very long backstory which is too detailed to get into here but the reason I’m sharing this is mostly to encourage women to do their annual testing. All too often we put things off because they’re uncomfortable or we’re too busy caring for everyone else. So I’m here to encourage and remind you to take care of yourself and your health. Do regular breast exams and start mammograms at whatever age your Dr recommends. Since the 1990s, mammograms have reduced the mortality rate from breast cancer by 40%. Yes there are false positives, but the overwhelming benefit outweighs those!

Why on a parenting blog? First - hoping this reaches many moms. Second, I thought about how to approach this with my kids and hope it might help to share that. 

When the kids are little they think we’re invincible. We can solve any problem and have every answer. We don’t have weaknesses in their minds. That all changes when they become teens and we’re all weak and lacking answers. But whatever stage they’re in - it’s scary when something happens to us. If we don’t share anything, I think they worry more. 

My experience is that sharing to each at their level helps them process it. Make sure that your worry doesn’t become theirs. They’re not your confidant. They need bite size information that helps them process the experience. I think it’s important to answer their questions honestly. 

I told my older kids the full story because they’re basically adults, my teenage son (“mom this is gross don’t tell me”) so I didn’t go into details, just the basics. For the younger kids, I told them I needed a surgery and that it wasn’t dangerous and the doctors just need to double check what they believe they’re seeing on other tests. My 12 year old had some questions and asked me if he needed to worry. I told him that Hashem does the worrying so we can skip that part because He’s got our back. But I told him the truth - the surgery itself was a little scary to me and I’m trying to control my own reactions. That’s my part in the process. 

Everyone’s got their own approach and their own attitude. It’s ok to be scared, I just think when it comes to the kids we have to show them both the human side and the braver side. They’ll likely model it when it’s their turn to be adults and put on a brave face. 

Hoping to share many good news posts. Please spread the message to all the moms and women in your lives - prevention is the best medicine!

Reflecting

להגיד בבקר חסדך, ואמונתך בלילות

I had written a whole piece on how to start exercising that I was going to send out to the group (and still plan to) but there are times when we just need to pause and reflect. 

My main goal with this blog has always been a type of journal that I use to think out life (and possibly help others sort thru their parenting dilemmas and challenges) and also for my kids older selves - so they could look back to see how and what I was thinking and feeling as we went through our daily lives. 

The tragedy in Meron, Israel last week is one of those times. When something so huge happens to our own people, we need to pause. Everyone processes tragedy differently. Some people need to sit with the pain and feel and let it sink in and pass. Others can’t think about it because it’s plain too much to take in. Some people felt this one far too close to home as they had kids there, family or friends there, knew someone who didn’t survive or had some close or even tangential connection. Some people need to understand how it happened while others search for the why. 

I can’t answer any of these questions for anyone. Nor can I actually tell you the best way to present this to your children or to process it yourself.  I do think that wherever you go from here, go changed. If this or any tragedy passes as just happenstance and we resume life as it was before, than there is wasted opportunity. Hold your children tighter, appreciate what is without worrying about what isn’t or cannot be. 

I can’t help but feel that sometimes, G-d is whispering to us and other times He is on a loudspeaker - what message He is delivering is likely different for every person and I’m sure there are many messages we will never understand.  Open your heart and try to hear whatever the message is for you. 

May each person touched by this tragedy find healing and comfort in the days to come. 

Carving it Out

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me how important I feel it is to exercise.  Some might go so far as to say I’m a little crazy when it comes to the topic.  Aside from the practical piece of it - feeling that it is a key element of being on top of our physical well being - the mental health benefits are extremely rewarding.  We’ve discussed in a previous post about the Body aspects - modeling for our children the need to integrate healthy behaviors in our lives in order to make it part of their norm.  We’ve also discussed the ME TIME  aspect of it in a Previous post. Today I want to discuss a different key element. 

Before turning to the main point of my post, I want to put one disclaimer out here. The why not to do this. Don’t get me wrong, I think everyone should integrate some form of exercise into their lives. But I tire of people saying things to me about how they should really exercise for weight reasons. Exercising DOES help maintain a stable, healthy weight but it is not an Avenue to weight loss (if you ask me, a non professional, I may add).  It IS a good part of a healthy lifestyle but PART is the key word.  Exercise for the multiple benefits - but don’t see it as a magical diet fix.  The best way to lose weight, if weight loss is one of your health goals, is to make a full plan that includes healthy choices and exercise.  And if you’re struggling with weight related issues, there are many professionals (doctors, dieticians, etc) who can help you make a plan. 

Ok so back to the previous idea - to me, those benefits we discussed are some of the whys. What I want to talk about today is the HOW.

I think to figure out a way to make something work, we first need to understand what’s holding us back. I see three main barriers to making exercise part of life: TIME, SUPPORT & MONEY.

TIME - even before you became a parent, you were probably busy and overcommitted, it’s the norm in today’s culture.  Everyone is pursuing something at all times.  When my kids were little someone once told me that everyone can make the time for something (I can’t recall what it was they wanted my time for) and I disagreed - even things we care deeply about get shunted to the side when practical life takes a front seat. But I stand corrected because I have seen time and again that people find the time for essentials.  You make the time when you see it as essential.  If you see your physical and mental health as a priority and you see exercise as a key piece in that equation, you will find the time.

SUPPORT- this element takes on so many meanings in my mind. You can do things on your own but it’s always harder. Having a supportive partner makes a huge difference in your chance for success.  This could mean a partner in your exercise - a spouse or friend is ideal - but it could just as easily mean a supportive partner who makes sure you can get out the door.  I always find that having supportive community in my exercise enables me to not only have someone to exercise with but also someone to be accountable to and to push me farther or vice versa.  I’ve developed some of the best friends in my various running groups and they’ve truly become an incredible part of my life.  

MONEY- no matter if you’re in a crowd that discusses this or not - many people struggle with finding funds for extras.  And many people think they need to put out money in order to get going on a new exercise regime.  Be it for a gym membership, trainer, equipment or classes.  The truth is - you need nothing more than a pair of sneakers to start (and starter tip -  Ross sells cheap ones of older models).  It doesn’t matter what type of exercise you want to do eventually - just start with something and go from there.  You can walk or run - the important part is taking that first step.

Now that you’ve thought about what’s holding you back, you’re more likely to find solutions to make it possible. 

 If time is the issue, figure out what can be trimmed from your schedule here or there - don’t feel like you need an hour a day - start with something attainable like 3 times a week for half hour. Like anything new, introducing it in small doses is your surest way to stick with it.

Support - If your partner or kids don’t realize the need you have for some flexibility to fit this in - discuss it. Explain the benefits.  Have small kids and can’t leave? Take them along for the ride.  Talk to friends or other parents - see if you can find someone to partner up with. It is both someone to commiserate with while you’re overcoming the beginning challenges and someone to talk to and pass the time.  Sometimes, it’s actually the best support group you can ask for while raising children.  

Money - there are no shortage of streets, paths and beautiful places to explore while you fit this in - and they’re all free - double benefit! If outdoors doesn’t appeal - YouTube! There are tons of free videos with workouts from yoga & pilates, cardio, abs and everything in between.

So get out there and move - 

— carve out the time

— set up a support system before you begin 

—take the first step 

You’ll likely be a better parent and a more energetic person once those endorphins kick in.

Good luck, hope to see you on the trails!

Inch by Inch

Two interviews I heard this week made me want to write.  I've felt a lot lately that there's too much repetition in what I'm discussing - like parenting basically boils down to two main things:

1. Actions speak louder than words

2. Every kid is unique so there are no one size fits all solutions

And while its true that it kind of does boil down to those two basic ideas - its also true that there's a lot of nuance.  So I'm hoping the ability to discuss the different situations we face and the predicaments we find ourselves in helps us to channel those two things in the best way possible.

In one interview, a man was discussing his personal religious transformation and he said "it was less step by step and more inch by inch."  I loved this quote.  It crystalized a lot of how I see parenting.  So often we are mired in the details of everyday life, in the small battles and struggles, we fail to notice the micro changes going on around us.  Then one day, we wake up and we're dealing with an entirely different person.  All those tiny changes somehow add up and shape our kids into the people they are becoming.  When you're in the midst of a hard stage, it is really helpful to remember this.

It also reminded me that even when we don't noticeably see the effects of all the work we are putting into something, even something as small as an inch is a gain.  Human nature causes people to be their harshest judges, sometimes I think it is worth remembering that every inch we gain is an inch achieved. 

I heard Michelle Obama interviewing her mother about how she brought them up and  she said parenting was just natural - you did what seemed right.  Nowadays, she said, there's just too much talking and discussion and everyone telling you what to do but people aren't coming out any better.  I think some of what she said is true, we do talk too much.  Our kids aren't scared of us (which I think is a good thing) but sometimes they also lack a basic respect for their parents and adults.  It is generational.  But I still think the more we talk, the more we get things out in the open, the more we treat them like the cognitive, aware beings that they are, the better the chances of them being emotionally open and available and thoughtful as they get older.

So while I agree, there's no parenting technique which just works for every kid across the board, there are some basic ideas and concepts that, when applied, really do help us make the best, strategic decisions to help guide our children.

I feel somewhat like I'm rambling without a concrete to-do here, but its more of a thought provoking ramble than a call to action...

Can We Move On?

This past week was the holiday of Pesach/Passover.  We were lucky to have all our children home and together.  The difference between holidays with tons of guests and ones with mostly family-only meals is the level of focus on your own children.  The discussions revolve around them.  It is amazing, in my opinion.  And one of my daughters made a comment that really struck me - "What will people discuss when Corona ends?"  Of course there are always THOSE topics.  The public and private conversations ebb and flow with the news cycles.  But what it really made me think about is - are we giving our kids the right message with all this dwelling? Maybe now we have a real opportunity to help them learn how to move on.  Stop dwelling.  

Harvey Mackay said "Every morning brings new potential, but if you dwell on the misfortunes of the day before, you tend to overlook tremendous opportunities."

How many times have you sat around with friends and the discussion turned to the tuition crisis? We all know it exists. To date, no one has a solution. We keep sending our children back into the same school system and then complaining about the cost. Maybe it’s important to move on and accept we’re not changing it so let’s stop whining about it. 

Before we talk about the how of moving on, I want to stress that moving on and processing a painful or tragic experience is completely different from what I’m discussing.  Someone who experiences a tragedy and needs to move forward has to go through a totally different process of therapeutic healing.  If, for example, someone lost a family member or friend to Corona, the discussion would be completely different.  My focus here is on dwelling on the same issue over and over as a general idea.

So back to the how: Modeling this behavior is the key.  And it doesn't only apply to the pandemic and the endless Covid discussions.  Every argument should be dealt with and put to bed.  Bringing up the same mistakes, experiences, negative interactions over and over will not change them.  

Teach them this skill in 4 easy steps:

• Acknowledge the experience
• Dissect it when appropriate
• Take the best lessons we can from it
• AND THEN MOVE ON!

Failure to take the time to do any of the steps will result in being unable to move on from the experience.  If you've truly dealt with an experience/interaction - you can move forward.  I know how difficult this is because I suffer from the spiral - going back to old issues and digging them up over and over.  Believe me, it never helps.  It is a healthy mindset in every relationship to live in the present.  

So move on from all your discussions revolving around Corona, your kids will be grateful.  It isn't past, we are still going to have to deal with this as part of our reality - and it is a shifting ever-changing reality - but we all know the story and we don't benefit from dwelling on it.

Strength

This week is international women’s day. Many people have been discussing strong women. Lauding them. Strong women create strong families.  “A woman of valor.”  And it begged the question - do you think being strong is something inherent or something we can teach?

That’s a question I ask myself often. I’ve worked hard the past several years on my personal strength - internal and external. I believe they go hand in hand. If I feel strong and powerful in my physical self, it helps build my mental strength. Using mental strength I can endure more physically. They are intricately linked. It’s amazing the way our minds work. I can convince myself to keep going on a hard run by using these kinds of mind games. I can be at the end of my physical endurance and somehow convince myself to do just a bit more - and somehow I find myself finishing a half marathon spontaneously. 

I hope that strength can be taught. Likely more modeled than taught. 

In order to know what strong means - I thought I’d define some aspects of what I see as strength  I would love comments on what you see as strength as well.

Strength is...

-understanding what you’re good at 

-emotional honesty - without embarrassment and not seeing it as weakness 

-willingness to take reasonable risks 

-speaking your mind and opinions unapologetically-  not rude or brash but honest 

-pushing limits - both physically and emotionally 

-being able to feel pain without being consumed by it 

-being able to recover - from whatever comes your way 

When it came to naming my youngest daughter, it was my turn to choose. I wanted to imbue in her a sense of becoming a strong woman. I named her after a woman in the Bible who was a warrior, Yael, who killed the general Sisra in one of Israel’s wars. And I made her a mantra I remind her of often when she’s scared - that she is brave and strong like the woman she was named for. I believe, in time, she will internalize that lesson. 

Kids see how we live. They absorb everything from our mannerisms to our reactions. They see our confidence. They feel our power. Give your kids the gift of your strength. 

Take Five

We’ve discussed taking a few minutes or even just a few breaths before responding to any given situation with our kids  (see the Recent post about knee jerk reactions). I was recently having a discussion with a friend about this and how it would serve our kids so well  if we impart that skill to them. I figured it was worth a post of its own. 

These days I feel like parents are much more involved in their children’s day to day struggles. The entire approach of our generation tends to a much more hands on, into the nitty gritty type of parenting. There are so many benefits to this - we are more approachable and relatable, our kids benefit from the day to day involvement in numerous ways. But there are drawbacks as well. Some parents tend to become over involved - solving all of the kids problems for them in our attempt to give them a more perfect view of the world. 

Sometimes we forget that they’re going to be out there on their own and need the skills to solve their own problems. I’ve seen more than my share of overwhelmed kids who don’t know where to start when faced with their own adversity - whether in school, with friends or elsewhere. 

Obviously we can’t solve this issue in one post - but teaching them an essential first step can get us on the road to helping. 

Take five. 

Any problem - big or small - can be solved. But the more overwhelmed we feel, the less likely we are to find the optimal solution. The importance of taking a few minutes to compose ourself, calm down and think of a good approach cannot be overstated. Waiting and taking a breath shouldn’t only apply to anger. It helps in most problem solving. 

As with so many things, we can model this for our kids when we are overwhelmed. Coming into the house with kids from school and groceries and dinner to get on the table after a long day - show them you take a few minutes, settle yourself and figure out the best way to approach the evening. Once they see us doing it, they’ll likely do it for themselves when needed. It’s the type of thing which is easy to give a nudge in the right direction. 

My youngest sometimes gets overwhelmed by situations and starts to cry and honestly can’t identify what is upsetting her. We’ve started to just ask her if she’d like a few minutes to sit and compose herself. The endless talking and discussion with an overwrought child will not likely resolve their issue. A few quiet minutes will. 

I hope giving them this essential first step to problem solving will jumpstart kids to become self reliant. 

Vulnerability

 I was running in this slushy winter mix this morning and trying to distract myself from how soggy my feet were getting. I was listening to a podcast by Brene Brown as she interviewed Melinda Gates. It was fascinating. I try to get one or two takeaways from the things I listen to - and today I was not disappointed. She talked about how we “learn and unlearn and relearn” which I thought so adequately captured the way ones approach in life should be. What else can a growing, evolving person want other than to keep changing and processing and tweaking our approach in life. 

She also touched on something that put into words something I’ve felt for a while. Melinda Gates explained how when she first worked at Microsoft there was a guys culture and she didn’t like the person she saw herself becoming. She knew how to keep up with the guys but didn’t want to. She was going to quit two years in when she decided, in a last ditch attempt, to just be herself. She found that when she did that, people respected her. Her teams listened and worked better together. And she liked herself better. She explained that real success comes when we put ourselves on the line and become vulnerable to failure. 

When kids are young I don’t know how this applies. But as teenagers and young adults, it spoke deeply to me. Showing your teenager your vulnerability with their struggle takes a lot of courage. We are nervous about being perceived as weak. We want our children to think we always know what to do and how to do it. Showing them we are scared can be downright terrifying. But it also shows them strength. It can touch the depths of their heart and open them up. If we can never be scared or wrong, how can they show fear or admit mistakes?

There is a huge difference between sharing a fear you have and making it their fear.  A fine line between sharing and guilting.  If you take this approach, it must come from deep inside and with no strings attached. 

I honestly have the perfect example for this one but out of respect for my kids privacy I can’t share it. I challenge you to think of times in your children’s lives and struggles where showing them your own vulnerability could reach them. When all else fails, when you’ve tried every approach to an issue and have gotten nowhere - try being vulnerable and honest and see how it goes.

Just Believe

Recently I’ve been helping a new mom through sleep training - I instantly loved this woman when she called me a guru (when my kids were little and I was so rigid about their sleeping because I couldn’t function without my sleep, guru was not the first word that came to mind when people talked about my approach 😂).  We’ve been going through the ups and downs of how to get a baby into a new habit. It’s fun and refreshing and brings back so many memories. I completely remember that feeling of sleepless nights and wondering if it would ever end. And somehow, it did. And I survived. And I did it again (and again and again). I gained confidence with each one. By the last two kids I enjoyed that time - the quiet of night when it was just me and the baby and no one else to pay attention to. But without the experience of the last few to remind me that tunnel had a shining light at the end I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy it. 

You’re probably wondering if my walk down memory lane has a point - and it does. So much of our learned and shared human experience is based on living through things. We gain confidence each time we successfully navigate a situation. What struck me when thinking about this was that if we’d somehow just believe in ourselves and our abilities to begin with - how incredible that would be for how we approach situations. 

As a parent you are dealing with new things on a daily basis. Some are small and seem inconsequential, some are huge mountains to climb. No one knows the magic formula to succeed. None of us know if our approach to any particular thing will work. We’re all new to so much on a regular basis. Just when you think you’ve got it, life throws you another curveball and you have to react. Just as you’ve mastered diapers and toddlers, you’re toilet training. You think you’ve scored a home run as your child walks down the aisle at their graduation and then you’re figuring out the next stage. You’re an ever evolving parent - bending and relearning. 

Beneath it all - if you can believe in yourself, trust yourself - then you can navigate all the new situations as they arise. You don’t have to have all the answers, it’s ok to self doubt, to stop and rethink and reroute. But if you can believe you have got this then I believe your children will believe it too. Even without the answers, the approach, the details - you do have this. They feel that confidence and they breed off it. When they feel you self-doubting then they doubt you as well. Sometimes, we put it on as a show until the real plan and confidence formulates. But it all starts with believing in yourself. Babies feel it, they inherently know when you trust yourself and then they react to that confidence. Teenagers, ever ready to pounce on weakness, sense it. It’s amazing what this small but crucial feeling will do to you as a person and as a parent. 

Just believe!

What We Don’t Know

 What we don’t know could fill a book, right?

A while ago I posed a question about trying to see other people’s parenting motives from a different perspective. I asked my readers how they see this issue - where you see a parent acting a certain way and you just jump to judge if they’re handling a situation properly. 

I never did get to publish those answers - I might have mentioned some in a different post. At this point there are too many posts for me to scroll through and see so if this is a repeat, forgive me. Some things are kind of worth repeating anyways. 

The best answer I got on this question was from my sister. She said everyone loves their children. If you can remind yourself of that, you’ll never jump too fast to judge them. Clearly whatever choices they’re making they feel they are best for their children. They might be making the wrong choices but usually it’s at least for the right reasons.

I had a thought to add to that amazing answer. We have no clue what battles are being waged in anyone’s lives. Everything can seem so calm and “instaperfect” from the outside but that tells us nothing of what is actually happening in those lives. Everyone has their struggles and every parent at any given moment is dealing with myriad issues in their own and their children’s lives we most likely know nothing about. We have discussed normalization of mental health issues in the past but as a society we are so far from being there. People aren’t necessarily going to explain to you the why of what they’re doing with their kids. And frankly they shouldn’t have to - it’s their own business. 

I feel like it’s a good thing to remember this in our everyday lives. Instead of seeking to judge or criticize others parenting - let’s seek to empathize with them. Whether or not we understand what they’re dealing with - we all know raising kids is never simple. Let’s be partners, teammates, a support system of parents instead of the peanut gallery. 

New Year - Moving Forward

 If you’d ask most people, I think they’d say 2020 was a bust. I don’t agree but I can see their point. When 2020 began, I wrote a post about my hope for the year - of it being one of Vision.  I believe in many ways it was - perhaps it taught us more about clarity and priorities than we ever imagined possible. 

This weekend, 2021 began. I heard a fantastic clip from a speech given by Stacey Abrams this morning which very much resonated with me. She said she moves forward because moving backwards isn’t an option and standing still isn’t enough. 2020 has taught us lessons. It has tested us. It has forced us to adjust. Prioritize. Rethink. But the time has come to move forward. We are ready for the new normal. We are ready for 2021.  Two things struck me that I wanted to share.

First, as we’ve discussed in the past, creating the new normal - the post corona world - is a unique opportunity.  I don’t believe we need to go back to what was. We can choose what things we’d like to bring back into our lives and what things we’ve been better off without. What a unique opportunity.

Second, often in life we dwell. Things happen and pull us down. Life happens. Unexpected circumstances arise. Our job as parents (and people) is to keep moving forward. Take the next step. Show our children that we don’t live in that past or hold onto that reality. We can move forward with hope and energy. Yes, this past year was tiring and trying. No, the pandemic is not yet history. But we are able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The vaccine is slowly making its way to us. The next steps will take patience but change is always a slow process. 

I wish everyone a safe year, filled with happiness and good health. A year full of hope and new and better normals.

Changing the Narrative

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, right? Too cliche I admit. 

This past week, one of my children’s teachers tested positive for corona. To put this in context - winter break was starting in two days and everyone found out the kids would need to be quarantined for most of winter break. Out the window went any plans (lucky us we had made none) and the kids were slightly bummed, to put it mildly. 

I really wanted to be sympathetic- and I am - but I also wanted to change the conversation.  This is disappointing, no doubt. Everyone needs a break - especially during corona. And even if that break wasn’t taking the shape of a new place to see or relax in, just getting out and getting some nature time in sounded like a really nice change of pace. But still, this is a blip, an inconvenience, and I felt like as the parent I could help my child dwell or totally change the spin on this. 

So here’s what we did - we took the focus off of us and our quarantine and shifted it to kids who had to be shut in for other reasons - kids stuck in hospitals over the holidays and break time. Kids who might be bored and need their minds taken off their illness. I suggested to the other moms we do a group activity where we make activity boxes for kids at the children’s hospital nearby. Once I suggested it - it was amazing how everyone jumped on board. Offers of funds and help literally flowed in. We bought a bunch of toys and boxes and my child set up a Zoom meeting for later in the week to assemble and decorate their boxes and make cards. I’m really excited how he got into it - really took it on full speed. We contacted the volunteer services at the hospital and set up a drop off time.The wheels are spinning and I’m hoping it turns out well. 

And it reminded me how much we set the stage for how our kids approach situations.  It’s so easy to be negative - it’s almost a natural state of affairs. It’s too easy to set the tone without even realizing it.

 After we started this, I heard almost nothing about how bummed he is to be stuck in. He’s been playing games with his little sister, reading, and overall just having fun. True staycation. We went on a night drive to see the city all decked out in lights. He’s thinking outside the box. In this case, maybe he’s thinking about the boxes. Ok, start and end with corny...

Happy staycation!

Can they teach us?

 My daughter was zooming last week so I had the chance to overhear what was going on in her classes, always a nice bonus. One teacher posed a question to this group of 7 year olds: “what is tech?”  One child’s answer had me in stitches. Tech, she explained, is stuff you use to make life better AND stuff that sometimes makes teachers very mad when they can’t figure it out.”  Say it like it is, sister. 

Kids speak truth. Sometimes their truth is a different version than the reality we perceive - but they always speak the truth. Some people have a really difficult time hearing that truth from their children. It can be perceived as chutzpah. It can touch a nerve and leave us feeling vulnerable. It can make you feel powerless and ineffective. It’s hard to listen to criticism from anyone, let alone our own children. 

This might sound crazy - but I firmly believe our children are some of our best teachers.  They experience the choices we make. They feel our angst. They see us for the people we are - with all our faults. They can actually make us better parents. 

I’m not advocating for kids to become their parents parent. I’m not in any way saying they don’t have to be respectful and find a way to share this truth. Like anything, I believe there’s a time and place and way for them to share. But I think it’s most important for us to listen to the messages they are giving us. 

Some of their critiques are a product of their age and stage and their perspective will shift as time goes on. But if they say something that strikes a chord - it hits home because we know it to be a weakness - I think we would do ourselves and them a favor to heed the messages.

When your child is little and catches you using a bad word - they call you out on it. Whatever  the procedure is - soaped mouths or penny in jars - follow it.  Showing you slip up but can be held accountable is a more valuable lesson than showing them you’re “perfect” all the time. 

When they’re older and the truths get more difficult - they get upset because you directed your frustration at them when it clearly was not about them. When you hear them telling you that you’re absent while present (something far too many of us suffer from with all this tech in our lives), listen. Take it to heart.

Years ago I recall hearing a speaker discuss how much he had to learn from his kids to become the parent and person he was at that point - and how painful the process was.  Change is hard but crucial. Listen to their truths, own up to the issues that are valid. Make the moments teachable and hopefully we’ll all grow as we go.

Reflections

Today is the last day of Chanukah- the Festival of Lights. For me personally this holiday has always been one of extremes. My second daughter was born on the fifth night of Chanukah, 21 years ago. The ultimate gift. And, just two years later, my father passed away suddenly the second night of Chanukah. It took me many years to recover from the shock of losing a parent so suddenly and I being so young. It took even longer for me to rediscover the joy in this holiday. 

So today, instead of touching on a parenting topic, I mostly want to reflect on some aspects of my parent, my father, who was such a huge part of my life and has shaped my perspectives. 

One thing I have realized over the years is that the father I experienced, as child #6, was very different than my older siblings. By the time I came around - whatever discipline there had been kind of fizzled out and my father was completely indulgent of me and my sister right above me. We had my mom to discipline us, of course, but my father was all spoils. I kind of see that happening with my youngest two - you just mellow as you age.  I think it’s ok and you discipline when needed but mostly the things that seemed so critical to correct in your older kids seem like passing phases in the younger ones.

My father taught me about giving. He was a true community leader. In his quiet way, he effectuated so much change in our world. He spent countless nights participating in board meetings, serving as our school president for over a dozen years. This was not an easy job. There were always many opposing opinions about how things should be done. In a communal role such as his, you had to be extremely diplomatic. It was easy for tempers to rise and people to get personal. One thing he always seemed to do was calm the waters. He never seemed bothered by people’s apparent aggression- at least from my perspective. He set quite an example for me of being able to separate between the person and the issue. To him it wasn’t personal. This kind of reminds me of something my sister told me recently about parenting. We often see parents doing something and immediately judge them or their parenting - but she reminded me that every parent loves their child. If they are doing something which seems counterproductive- it’s at the very least coming from a good place. A good thing to remember.

My Dad wasn’t a man of many words in general - most people thought of him as quiet.  I believe if you’d met him in a courtroom you’d have a very different perspective on him. That’s another thing I admired and learned from my Dad. There’s a place and a time for everything. Some situations warrant a lot of passion and aggression. Others are much more mellow. To know how to be comfortable in both is a feat. 

Accepting a loss is a difficult thing. Time helps concretize it in your mind. I don’t believe we can or should prepare our kids for a time when we aren’t there. Maybe once they’re adults that’s a discussion we can have, but as kids I believe it’s a no-go topic. Let them believe we’re concrete and steady and will always be there for them. Life will teach them the lessons of passing later on. I don’t think I could ever have been prepared to lose my father that young. I was at the beginning of my life journey. I had 3 small kids and a busy life and I needed my Dad to be part of that journey. But it wasn’t meant to be. Clearly I needed something different than what I expected. But no matter whether he’s here with me or watching over - the lessons I learned from him live on day after day. 

So as we wrap up another Chanukah season, I take a step back. I look at my Chanukah baby, now a wife herself - and I pray I’ll be there for her for many years to come. I remember all that was light about my father - and all the light that keeps shining through from what he started and created. And I remember all the light that shines through the darkness. I pause, try to absorb it and take it with me, until the next holiday comes to light up our world. 

Seeing the Miracles

 Life is busy. Complex. Scattered. Sometimes it’s hard to take a pause, see things from a different perspective. 

One of the reasons I started writing this blog was to rethink things, or think them through more, crystallize. See the bigger picture. As parents we get very involved in the minutiae. This was a way to help me see beyond it. 

We’re about to celebrate the holiday of Chanukah in our house. It’s a time where amazing miracles happened - but when you look at the story as it happened - a lot of those miracles took time to see. When they lit the oil they’d found, they didn’t realize it would burn for eight days. Only after it kept going did they realize what had happened. 

It reminds me a lot of parenting. We see changes in how our kids act and react, see the seeds planted - but sometimes it takes a long time to see the results. That doesn’t make those gains any less miraculous. 

One thing I want to try this Chanukah is to notice the miracles. There are miracles everywhere - waking up each day and all the systems in our bodies working correctly and letting us wake up is a miracle in and of itself. Our kids accomplish great things every day. I want to take notice. Appreciate the gains. Make them realize we see them. 

If everyone made an effort this Chanukah to see beyond the minutiae and to the bigger picture, our families will truly have gained something miraculous this holiday. 

Knee Jerk Reactions

 “When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred." - Thomas Jefferson 

I have a short thought to share today but I believe an important one. 

How often do you react instinctively to something and realize, as the words leave your mouth, that had you taken one deep breath before saying something or counted to three your response would have been very different. 

I’ve noticed this all around in life but especially with our kids (and spouses). Kids can be annoying at times and bring out the best of our knee jerk reactions - but how easy would it be to force ourselves to wait - breathe - and respond ten seconds later to whatever the situation might be? How different would our response look if we did this?

Picture the kid who is up too late and ignored bedtime - instead of a “what are you doing up?” In a snappy tone, a calm “wow I’m surprised to see you here but I always love seeing you. Now go to bed” - how different would that feel on the receiving end? 

Imagine your child is completely rude and going off on a raging tantrum about how awful you are - and instead of snapping back you breathe, tell them you love them and move on? 

It’s amazing how these reactions can diffuse even the most challenging situations. 

Breathe. Count to ten. Do your thing to give yourself the moment you need to collect yourself and respond as your best self. Leave the knee jerking to those reflex tests at the doctor!

Academic Pressure

 I’m sure we’ve discussed this before in some fashion but some topics are worth revisiting. And school pressure is definitely one of those topics. 

Tonight I had parent teacher conferences over Zoom - quite a unique experience. I actually dread conferences every year. Rushing from room to room, division to division, like some sort of marathon sprint around the school with 5 minute intervals to hear something about your child’s experience. For the stronger students I’ve had - it worked. Two minutes to hear how my kid is doing great and next. For the less than motivated of my children - never enough time to tackle the issues. And, side note, if my kid is having issues - we should’ve talked before November! So perhaps I prefer Zoom - at least it saved me from sprinting. I prefer to do that on the track  

But the point of this post isn’t actually to compare in person to Zoom conferences - what I really wanted to discuss was academic pressure. More specifically, how healthy is it for parents to put academic pressure on their children. 

I think it’s natural and even healthy to set standards for our children, goals to achieve. Everyone, whether you’re a parent who cares about grades or not, wants to see their children educated and engaged with their education.  I think the question really is - how much academic pressure should we put on our children ? Is it healthy or even useful to pressure them to achieve certain grades? Should we focus on output or input? Do we care about effort or results?

If your child is self motivated - it’s easy to set certain bars for them. They are strong students and you expect them to get certain grades. Sometimes, the very knowledge of these expectations puts undue pressure on kids who already feel they must perform. That is one side of the coin. 

Flip to the non motivated child. They don’t push themselves and don’t seem to be engaged with their studies. Setting certain standards for them, attempting to light a fire under them - will adding this parental academic pressure ignite them or burn them?

I’ve struggled with this question a lot over the years - having both types of students in my own children I’ve wondered what the right approach to academics could be. 

Like most areas of parenting - these are very individualized questions and the approaches vary depending on your child but one overarching concept has clarified itself to me over time and two teachers I met with tonight really struck chords with me on this idea. 

The work of growing up is a lot harder than many of us remember. Like most things in life, the more time passes, the less we recall some of the challenges. The more rosey parts stand out. I was listening to Charlie Harari’s podcast recently and he said something like ‘remember your natural mode is survival, greatness is override.’  I think when we’re dealing with our kids and academics this is crucial. They are mostly in that survival mode. There are so many pressures on them to navigate - social, emotional, you name it. Adding our pressure rarely has the desired effect. If they’re already internally pressured, the last thing they need is more. If they lack any kind of self-motivation- rarely will our pushing help them develop that. What they need from us is someone who believes in them. Who encourages them. Who can see beyond the anxious or ‘lazy’ or unmotivated or whatever your fill in the blank is to realize the potential they have. Everyone needs a cheerleader in life - choose to be theirs. Emphasize effort, not end results.  Better output naturally follows better effort.

My daughter is studying in her Israel gap year - the same child who never engaged with her education in high school is sending me her notes from classes she enjoyed and can’t have me read them fast enough because she wants to discuss the ideas with me. I don’t think when I had conferences with her teachers in any grade I could’ve imagined this type of student. Be patient and eventually it happens. No amount of coaxing on my part could have done what time and maturity and the right type of teachers is doing to her view on learning.

Tonight I discussed my view of this approach with two of the teachers and a rare thing happened - both agreed with me on my approach to being hands off and letting my kid push themselves when they’re ready. It was an amazing breath of fresh air. Quite the difference from the ones who shake their heads and tell me how much more capable my child is - as if I don’t know.

Don’t get me wrong - I have the same post conferences  conversation with the less motivated of my kids every time - it basically sounds like this - they realize you’re smart and don’t give it your all - when you’re ready to wow them we’re  all ready.  He laughs and keeps moving. But I know and he knows that one day we’ll all be wowed - and when he’s ready watch our world. 

Compliance Fatigue

 Before starting to write this post, I googled the phrase "Compliance Fatigue" to see if it was a real thing.  Turns out it is, but it isn't exactly what I was thinking of when I coined the phrase in my mind.  According to Google (my best source of information), Compliance Fatigue is "“a state of chronic fatigue induced by having to constantly maintain compliance with the ever-increasing variety of rules, regulations and processes created by middle management bureaucrats in both public and private organizations.”

So it is sort of what I wanted to write about - but my definition strays from the typical I guess.

Anyone who has lived through this pandemic will probably relate to what I like to think of as compliance fatigue. Put very simply, we are tired of keeping the rules.  Even though most people understand that the pandemic hasn't changed, they are sick and tired of living with so many restrictions.  As the epicenter moves temporarily out of their state, they feel they've been good for long enough and simply don't need to be as careful anymore.

Lest you think this post is going to be about how we need to stay vigilant -that's not where I was going with this. 

It got me thinking about our kids - and how on point this is with what I've seen over and over in parenting.  

Take, for example, the kid who is almost always keeping the rules, does fairly well in school, seems easy going and appears to be totally coping.  Then one day - mega meltdown.  It can range from a temporary phase of rebellion to a calm, well adjusted child having suicidal thoughts.  And anywhere in between.  Most parents are caught totally off guard.  They can't imagine when this happened, what happened, why this happened. 

Or the kid who has been working so hard on a specific area - they've put all of their efforts into improving the issue.  They seem motivated, invested - and then one day they just give it up. 

Why do kids do this? I believe they have compliance fatigue.  They simply get tired of being good all the time, trying so hard.  Rationally, they understand that life takes work - but they are tired of putting the work in.

Recently we've been discussing mental health issues in teens.  I believe you see this very often with teens who struggle.  A child is battling an eating disorder or working through a depression.  They see progress, they want to achieve their goals and be past the issue at hand - but at some point, they slip or give up.  They tire of the process.  

It is simple - it is too hard to be good all the time.  It is too hard to work at something only to find out you need to work longer and harder.  

My version of "Compliance Fatigue" is real.  And it is really hard to combat. 

So now that we can define it, what do we do about it?

When my oldest daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor, I felt like I was hit by a truck. I remember going through all the motions, trying to digest all the information, wrapping my brain around it.  I was holding it together through surgery and the ICU and the works.  I thought I was coping until they introduced me to her central line (a surgically implanted IV, basically, to give her treatments through).  I had a complete meltdown.  Compliance fatigue to the max.  I was like - no way, I can't deal with that.  It took several nurses reading me the riot act to realize that compliance was not a choice on this one.  No matter how squeamish I was, there was no getting around this.  I had pretty much no choice but to learn to comply.  

And that's kind of what we need to help our children learn.  

Life is, in many ways, an uphill battle.  Struggles don't just disappear because you acknowledge and work on them.  So here are some suggestions to help you through parenting during compliance fatigue.  These won't cure it, but they might help you pass through the phase and help your child get re-energized to want to start again, try harder or keep going.

First, give them time to process.  It is human to have this happen - they need time to settle, realize what is happening, and be ready to address the issues.

Second, don't let them feel like a failure.  A slip, big or small, a meltdown - any of it - is not a failure.  It is being human.  Stress this.  Share your stories of failure, stalling, progress blocks - let them see that we all have this.  

Third, love them harder.  I know this is probably the hardest thing to do - when you have a raging child, all you want is to knock some sense into them.  It just doesn't always help.  And its not always rational.  Remind them you love them, stand by them even when they're raging and mad and blaming you - what they need more than anything is to know that you're not going anywhere despite whether they succeed or fail.  You are their rock.

Last, but not least, help them make a plan to go forward and make more progress.  Concrete steps can help them realize that this isn't as big or overwhelming as it seems.  

We'll all get through this pandemic, you'll live through your kids teen years, whatever tunnel you are currently in - you'll find the light at the end.  You just sometimes have to be a bit patient and always make sure that light you see isn't an oncoming train.

Friends or foes?

In an ideal world, we are partners with our children’s educators and we work in concert. We consult them with our issues, share our concerns and in general have an overall feeling of satisfaction in our choices. I give a loud and clear shout out to all those types of educators- they are the building blocks of our children’s futures.

Unfortunately, We do not always live in an ideal world. 

When it works, count your lucky stars and all those blessings. Thank those educators for all their work as often as you can.

What worked for one child might not work for the next. And you can’t hopscotch schools every time things aren’t working. Moving your child is always a big deal. Sometimes it’s worth it, sometimes the negatives outweigh the gains. 

So what happens when you can’t find common ground with your educators or administrators? What if you have no choice of where your children should be or are not at a point where you feel it’s socially or educationally beneficial to change?

What I’m about to write will seem heretical to most educators, forgive me. We don’t all have choices when it comes to certain learning environments. We want what’s best for our children overall but we won’t always have all ideal options to choose from. 

I believe that once all partnership opportunities have been exhausted and you find yourself at odds with your child’s educators- you begin to work independently of them.  Your bottom line may not align with theirs.  You need to do what’s best for your child, despite what the school might think is best.  Schools and administrators should care about every child but there are times when their own agenda gets in the way of what’s best for your specific child.

If this happens when your children are young, I’d encourage you to find another educational option.  You have a long road ahead and you would do best not to spend it engaged in small warfare. If switching is not an option, or there are no other acceptable school choices, you need to be very careful how you approach your disagreements.  Being open about it with your young children will make it difficult for them to respect authority.  Keeping your disagreements between the adults will help your child have a feeling of belonging and order in their school life and experience.

But if your child is older and has little school left to go, is deep into their social circles, or maybe is in a post high school program - changing might not be an option. Your child, at this point, is likely aware of the issues. Perhaps they’ve been unfairly targeted at school, an educator has made something personal, or a host of other scenarios I can think of. More likely than not, they’ve brought the issues to your attention and you’ve attempted to remedy them to no avail. 

For this scenario, I’d advise respectful disagreement as an option. They are likely going to have many experiences in their lives where things do not work out ideally. They need to know how to stand up for their position, cope with adversity and avoid confrontation all at the same time. It is ok to disagree with your educational institutions- they are run by humans. If the educators cannot properly handle a situation - if they aren’t doing the teaching - make it a teachable moment!

Remind your dissenting child a few things:

Stay respectful- just because an adult in a position of power is wrong does not give them the right to be rude. 

Avoid argument - if they are not going to change the mind of the person they’re dealing with in how to manage the situation, avoid dealing with them. It will only escalate or frustrate them. 

Do not be manipulated  - like it or not, it’s easy for adults in positions of power to manipulate kids. Reinforce their self respect and teach them to trust their instincts.

Find your own solution- finding their own solutions to Problems, or workarounds in cases where there aren’t solutions - is extremely empowering.  Dwelling on what isn’t working is not going to solve their problems. Helping them find ways to work around the issue or deal with it head on themselves will give them life long skills.

We got your back - remind them they can always be honest with us, to come to us with anything, they won’t be judged. They must know that this adult in their life will ALWAYS have their best interest in mind. No matter the age or stage we will be there.

Always be aware of how your child is faring in any given sItuation. They may seem to be handling the situation but really need your intervention more than they’re willing to admit. And always keep a temperature on the situation as it might change or devolve rapidly. 

As always, good luck - we never want this option, but learning from the tough situations is often some of the best education we can give our kids. 

Election Special Edition

Disclaimer: I aim to keep this blog totally apolitical so I'm not actually discussing the candidates, the issues or anything related to that.  That being said...  

Everyone loves to hate an election.  

The news is non stop.  There are people who love to follow every detail and others who are totally disinterested and just want it over with. But wherever you fall on the spectrum of election interest, you will probably agree that  this year the election is different.  In the midst of a global pandemic, where the anxiety levels are so incredibly high, the issues at the forefront seem more pressing.  The people who used to discuss apocalyptic scenarios and were seen as conspiracy theorists are now mainstream opinions.  The fantastic which seemed like contrived fiction has become reality.

It is easy to panic.

What we don't realize when we talk about these topics at home is how we come across to our children.  Are the discussions we are having causing them additional anxiety? I think its easy to overlook the impact of our outlook, discussions and worries have on our children.

Lets look at things from their perspective.  We are their world.  We shape their views.  We impart either confidence and stability or a total lack thereof.  When we take a positive attitude towards events and situations, they are likely to follow suit. If we see this world as falling apart, they are inevitably going to feel anxious and troubled about what is happening around them.

Now lets look at how their lives have changed during this pandemic.  

If they go to school, their in-school experience has completely changed.  Where there used to be rules about not running in the hallways, there are now rules about their every move.  They are now kept in separate spaces, masked all day, given directions about when and how and where to be at all times.  And that is for the lucky ones who get to go in person.  Many of them spend their school days on Zoom - rarely leaving their houses and trying their best to learn when the conditions are far less than ideal.  I imagine these things are already making their anxiety levels high.  Carefree just doesn't come to mind when you think of our kids these days.  Playdates are carefully orchestrated.  Shopping is complex. Every outing is a maneuver.

If on top of this they are going to worry that the world is falling apart, we are setting them up for some serious issues as they develop.  

For those of you who are feeling panic about who will lead our country and if we will ever overcome the current issues - you are not alone.  But believe me, history has shown over and over that somehow we will get through.  No matter who wins - we are not on the verge of a civil war, we are not on the verge of collapse, we are not going to implode.  At some point, maybe, but not the day the election is won or the day after (and not likely any time soon after that).  Remember that the world goes in waves.  We have ups and downs.  We usually come out on the other side of the tunnel.  Hopefully there will be lessons learned, outlooks readjusted.  Hopefully one day soon we will see the end of this pandemic, the end of racism and bias and hatred.  But no matter what happens, no matter who wins, these things won't be fixed in a day or a month or even a year.  It takes time to fix what is broken.  

But from the perspective of children - they need to see a stable world, they need to see us confident that things are going to be ok.  I advocate making them part of the political process.  My kids always vote with me, its exciting and instructional.  I definitely think we should be talking about the issues at hand, what the parties stand for, what they are passionate about and who they feel is the best option to pick.  Try to remain objective.  Focus on the issues.  Do your best not to make the election solely about moral character or personalities (as hard as that may be).  Remember, from passionate to panic is not such a large leap.  Stay calm and vote on!