How and What

 I’m noticing that parenting goes in phases. As I approach my 45th birthday this month, reflecting on the first half of this decade, I’m noticing a shift. My parenting devolved into chaos fairly quickly in phase 1. Between having 4 kids in under 6 years and a child battling a severe illness for years - I think phase 1 can best be defined by an attempt not to drown in the turbulent waters.  Phase 2 - where those kids began to grow, we transitioned to maintenance and understanding the long term effects of treatment - can best be described by a take control method. I wanted to be in charge of my own life, figure out how to make things work and recover and heal from the trauma of illness. I believe phase 3 began sometime in my 40s where I have begun to see there are so many amazing opportunities for growth and development if I take a back seat, listen and learn. In the spirit of that concept, I’ve been trying to listen, read and absorb as much as possible from any and every person I can to see what I can learn from them. One great find has been Dr Becky, a podcast parenting personality I discovered. I recently listened to something she put out about tweens and their specific issues and how to approach them. It was the type I wanted to stop running and takes notes!

I’ll have to recap some great pointers but the main idea that struck me as so on point was this - we need to teach our children how to think not what to think. 

Pause. Absorb. What a brilliant concept. 

We spend so much time telling our kids do this do that think this think that and we don’t even stop to consider that what we really need to be doing is giving them the tools to figure out what they think. They lack a lot of the life experience and cognitive skills that we have as adults, but they are so capable of absorbing the skills necessary to begin to think in specific ways. The best thing we can do for them is give them those tools without trying to indoctrinate them into thinking the same way we do.

She gave a lot of really good tips about how to talk to your kids about anything. For example, sometimes especially as kids get older it’s hard to sit down and just have a conversation with them because they find a lot of topics awkward. She suggested talking to them while driving in the car because there’s no eye contact. Sitting next to a kid who is doing art and just kind of having a discussion and make it be chill while doing another activity. She discussed open ended conversations where you listen to an issue or recognize a struggle your child is having and instead of giving them an answer - you pose the dilemma back to them in the form of a question (ie: who wins in that situation? Or what’s your next move?). To listen to this episode - Click here - there are so many more good tips. 

As always, remember there are not so many clear rights and wrongs in parenting as there are good processes and wins and learning experiences. Keep in mind you’re a great parent - you’re trying to be there for your kid and love them unconditionally and learn in the process. Every phase has its pros and cons so embrace them and take the wins. 

Nuance

 I was listening to a great podcast about parenting by Arthur Brooks (How to Build a Happy Life) and he touched on a topic that inspired me to write a post. The discussion was about parenting and safety messages that public health officials give out. The interviewee was saying that the messages are very black and white - something like - co-sleeping is dangerous. Parents, who don’t know the risk factors and analysis, hear this and immediately write it off as an option. She said that in an effort not to co-sleep, some parents go to the couch and end up falling asleep holding the baby which is far more dangerous than co-sleeping. 

I have no intention of having a discussion about co-sleeping or any other public health issue for that matter. It made me think about how we, as parents, approach our messaging with our kids. Do we categorically disallow or disavow things? How can we approach topics in a healthy way that allows room for error? 

I especially think about this as it pertains to safety, good decisions and religion. 

I have found Safety a hard topic to approach with teenagers. With their all knowing attitudes and lack of long term thought, I find they often assume some behaviors are safe despite the obvious. It’s important to choose your safety lines carefully and to give them reasonable margins of error. If we were back in the times when seatbelts were optional, I’m sure that would be a topic of discussion.  I wonder how our grandparents and/or parents approached that discussion when they realized how seatbelts saved lives but were definitely not in vogue.

When it comes to religion - there’s so much to talk about it’s impossible in a short paragraph. At a recent wedding we attended in a very religious area, I noticed that the kids there who had “rebelled” were far more notorious than most I had seen locally. Part of me wondered if this was partly due to the lack of nuance in their religious approach. In the neighborhood where we live, there are many levels of observance.  You have the spectrum of ultra religious to modern and I believe it shows kids that there are many ways to observe. If their particular family approach isn’t working for them - they can still see many other variations which allow them to remain observant with more flexibility.

I don’t have a particular feeling of the best way to approach this with your kids - I feel every persons parenting style dictates different types of conversations. My main thought is that we should be leaving loads of room for error - parents can and should make the lines and boundaries clear - but there shouldn’t be a my way or the highway attitude. If kids know they can always discuss and question they’re more likely to take on some reasonable version of whatever the topic is. If the approach is always line in the sand - it leaves little room for growth and experimenting safely. Those lines should probably be left for the high risk safety situations (call when someone drank don’t get in the car, say no to drugs, you get the idea). 

“ Drawing a line in the sand does not work.”

The path to anything that matters in life is never linear. It twists and turns. It seeks solutions rather than charging obstinately into what it does not care to understand.

And if you ever found yourself in a sandpit like the one I described, you know that drawing a line is an invitation for others to cross it. When that happens, everybody loses.

We must learn judgement, and to pick our battles. We must learn how to be flexible, allow ourselves room to manoeuvre, and time to consider.” (quoted from “The 8 Percent”)