Picture this - your child is invited to a friends house and you aren't 100% sure that you are comfortable with the other family's rules. You don't want to be overbearing, or the type of mom who picks and chooses your child's friends, but there are things in the house that make you uncomfortable. Maybe the house has no filters for their children's internet and un-monitored usage...or they let the kids just eat whatever they want and they only have sugary snacks and you keep a really healthy household.... There are so many iterations of this dilemma - so what do you do? I've long felt that the more opinions I have about my children's friends, the more they want to be friends with the child in question. But in this case, lets just assume the child is young enough you get to have these opinions and reservations and your child is going to listen to your opinion, or better yet, you get to decide if they can go to the house. Lets assume you really want them to be able to go (or perhaps there's a group activity involved and you don't want them to miss out)...so back to our question - how can you lay down the rules for your child without appearing as if you are judging?
This comes at us in so many ways it’s actually kind of amazing. You might find it with simple topics like house rules - bedtimes, curfews, electronics, etc - and honestly those are the easy ones. We are allowed to have different approaches towards rules and structure in our houses. Whenever my kids question why we have a certain rule but that other mom doesn't, I always tell them they have the option of going to be in that family but as long as they're part of mine, they'll have to live with my rules. Obviously, that works when they're below age 7 or so, but once they get a bit smarter - these discussions become difficult.
I think this breaks into two major categories - house rules and laws.
House rules are basically anything you have decided for your family. If you believe in curfews, then having a curfew is a house rule. If your child rails about the unfairness of having a curfew, that is an easy discussion - you've decided that curfews are a necessary part of the house structure and they have to abide by that rule. It may be arbitrary in their mind, but it is a rule nonetheless. Depending on your relationship with your child or your parenting style, you may, as they get older, have to defend your position on the matter. The key here is that this is a decision you have made as a parent and your authority as a parent is what makes that rule stand. If you have confidence in your rule and you still agree with the premise of it, it will not be a difficult discussion to explain to your child the rules in your house. If, through these discussions, you feel like your rule may need reconsideration, check out the previous post on making new rules. But either way, explaining that in our house we have curfews while in their house they don't is not a hard topic. It is not a judgement about their house that they don't have curfews (fyi, I don't believe in curfews!), it is a decision they made as a family unit. Different styles work for different families. No judgement necessary. Try not to get on your soapbox about their parenting.
Laws are a completely separate and much more difficult topic to broach when it comes to this. I use the word laws for lack of a better description. I think this one is much more sensitive. Laws can be anything that is a rule that you have to follow despite your personal opinion of the matter. Think religious tenets, state rules - for example, in the state of Maryland there are rules about things like the use of safety seats for children, the age of babysitting, etc. I have had many an uncomfortable situation where a parent would ask me to take their child in my car and the child (small and still the age for the state guidelines on booster seat usage) would come and say "I don't need a booster, my mommy doesn't make me." I would kindly say "in my car, you will sit in a booster" and leave it at that. But the discussion that followed with my own children was challenging. I would have to explain that the state has rules about safety that they have given us and my job is to keep those rules. Inevitably, at some point my child would come around to the question of "why doesn't the other mom keep the rules?" Or take the babysitting guidelines, I have had many encounters where people either asked my children to babysit before they were the state age for babysitting children outside of their immediate family or where people talked (in front of my kids) about how they were having their child babysit even though they were not yet the age to do so.
And when it comes to religious issues, this becomes much more sensitive. Suppose your level of religiosity doesn't quite align with that of your child's friends - how can you help your child understand what they can and can't do without seeming to cast judgement on the friends house?
The key here is to explain your position without getting into the other side of it. I don't think you have to ignore the questions about the other person's position but you can honestly say that you can't answer questions about someone else's perspective because you do not know it. Clearly and decisively explain your position. Explain the rules and where they originated from. If possible, go to the source and show them the why of it. Religious rules are usually derived from religious texts. State guidelines are listed on state websites. Arm them with knowledge so they can feel they understand the situation and the rules and it is not just arbitrary.
As adults we often get into situations like this and we inherently understand that there are going to be situations in which we are at odds with other people's positions and as long as we don't attack the other side, we can confidently stand with our approach to whatever the topic is. If we teach our children this when they are young, I believe they will have an easier time approaching those situations as adults without judgement and with confidence.
Monday, February 24, 2020
Friday, February 14, 2020
The Power of Positive Thinking
This week was amazing. It’s not often in the daily grind that we get to say that so I had to lead with it. As I’ve mentioned in the past, I enjoy running for both the physical and mental benefits. This week, I had the absolute honor of meeting and hearing one of my running role models - an incredibly inspiring woman who happens to be the current Israeli female champion. She also has five kids, thank G-d, and runs modestly and proudly in her skirt and headscarf. For those of you unfamiliar, her name is Beatie Deutsch. She came to America to run the Miami Half Marathon (and won it) and while she was here, she decided to do a quick speaking tour. How we lucked out and got her to come to our town is another story, but what I learned is something I felt every parent (and person) could benefit from.
Beatie arrived from New York by train and since I had coordinated her visit, I had the privilege of getting her from the train station to the school where she was speaking. The time we had gave me a chance to get to know Beatie as a person a little, aside from all the fame and fanfare. And she’s an awesome person. I’ve followed her stories and know a lot about her philosophy towards running and accomplishing things in life and I’ve seen that she has a unique ability to conquer things using the power of positive thinking. After all, she went from not running to being a national champion in a matter of less than four years - you have to be doing something pretty unique if you can accomplish that! She talks a lot about the mental game of believing in what you can accomplish, setting goals and not letting negativity stand in the way of those goals and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. Either way, during our car ride, I mentioned to her that she’s an incredibly emotionally healthy person and asked if that was by nature or something she consciously chose - and she told me she worked hard on it and learned from different experiences to develop that attitude.
Which brings me to today’s topic - the power of positive thinking. I think that most people believe you are either positive by nature or “practical” (ie negative/realistic depending who you’re talking to). I actually believe we have a choice in these matters. And when it comes to our kids, I think we can choose to model this ability so they can choose to take a positive outlook in their lives. Being positive in positive situations is a no brainer - when things are going well and your child is thriving, it is easy to be positive and encouraging. It gets a bit dicier when challenges arise and things are not looking up. When it seems that you should just tell them not to try, when we want to prepare them for failure so they aren’t hurt or disappointed, those are the times when we have the hardest time encouraging positive thinking.
One of the things Beatie said that resonated with me was to set big goals, HUGE goals - and not to be afraid of failing. The fear of failure hijacks our thoughts and doesn’t allow us to be positive. But the amazing thing about thinking positive is it affects more than your mind and attitude, it actually transforms your physical abilities. Negative thoughts actually bring the negative results. I was running the other week and I felt so tired and draggy but every time around the track I told myself - you can make one loop around, anyone can do one loop around - and at the end I had finished a 6 mile run and my last mile was actually my personal record. I honestly hadn’t thought myself capable of that speed but I just told myself I could do it and I did. It almost sounds like a pep rally speech that can’t possibly be true and yet I’ve seen and felt it in action. Sometimes just verbalizing to our kids that they’re capable will give them the boost they need to try. And failure is actually ok as long as you tried your best and gave it your all. We learn from failure, it’s a springboard for future success. But the attitude you bring to the table really determines the kind of meal you’ll eat.
I know a lot of parents think they need to teach their kids to be realists - and I agree, you need to show them realistic scenarios in life so they have attainable goals and don’t face constant dissatisfaction in their lives - but there’s a lot to be said for balancing that with some big goals, and positive thoughts. Having dreams is important, it shapes you and gives you things to look forward to and strive to become. Believing you can do it makes it possible. If you don’t truly believe it is possible you won’t achieve it.
Beatie arrived from New York by train and since I had coordinated her visit, I had the privilege of getting her from the train station to the school where she was speaking. The time we had gave me a chance to get to know Beatie as a person a little, aside from all the fame and fanfare. And she’s an awesome person. I’ve followed her stories and know a lot about her philosophy towards running and accomplishing things in life and I’ve seen that she has a unique ability to conquer things using the power of positive thinking. After all, she went from not running to being a national champion in a matter of less than four years - you have to be doing something pretty unique if you can accomplish that! She talks a lot about the mental game of believing in what you can accomplish, setting goals and not letting negativity stand in the way of those goals and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. Either way, during our car ride, I mentioned to her that she’s an incredibly emotionally healthy person and asked if that was by nature or something she consciously chose - and she told me she worked hard on it and learned from different experiences to develop that attitude.
Which brings me to today’s topic - the power of positive thinking. I think that most people believe you are either positive by nature or “practical” (ie negative/realistic depending who you’re talking to). I actually believe we have a choice in these matters. And when it comes to our kids, I think we can choose to model this ability so they can choose to take a positive outlook in their lives. Being positive in positive situations is a no brainer - when things are going well and your child is thriving, it is easy to be positive and encouraging. It gets a bit dicier when challenges arise and things are not looking up. When it seems that you should just tell them not to try, when we want to prepare them for failure so they aren’t hurt or disappointed, those are the times when we have the hardest time encouraging positive thinking.
One of the things Beatie said that resonated with me was to set big goals, HUGE goals - and not to be afraid of failing. The fear of failure hijacks our thoughts and doesn’t allow us to be positive. But the amazing thing about thinking positive is it affects more than your mind and attitude, it actually transforms your physical abilities. Negative thoughts actually bring the negative results. I was running the other week and I felt so tired and draggy but every time around the track I told myself - you can make one loop around, anyone can do one loop around - and at the end I had finished a 6 mile run and my last mile was actually my personal record. I honestly hadn’t thought myself capable of that speed but I just told myself I could do it and I did. It almost sounds like a pep rally speech that can’t possibly be true and yet I’ve seen and felt it in action. Sometimes just verbalizing to our kids that they’re capable will give them the boost they need to try. And failure is actually ok as long as you tried your best and gave it your all. We learn from failure, it’s a springboard for future success. But the attitude you bring to the table really determines the kind of meal you’ll eat.
I know a lot of parents think they need to teach their kids to be realists - and I agree, you need to show them realistic scenarios in life so they have attainable goals and don’t face constant dissatisfaction in their lives - but there’s a lot to be said for balancing that with some big goals, and positive thoughts. Having dreams is important, it shapes you and gives you things to look forward to and strive to become. Believing you can do it makes it possible. If you don’t truly believe it is possible you won’t achieve it.
“The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.”
–Winston Churchill
Being emotionally healthy has many aspects, but the ability to focus on the positive, believe in the positive, and set your mind towards it is an extremely hard but worthwhile exercise in life. Just because the negative exists doesn’t mean we must focus on it. I believe the choice is ours to make.
Friday, February 7, 2020
Sports
What I’m about to do feels almost heretical. I know to many sports is like a religion - and, as with religion, people feel incredibly strongly about their opinions. And my view of it may very well be diametrically opposed to someone else’s. So that’s my caveat before I begin. Hoping not to offend.
I grew up in a house where I recall no role for formalized sports. Yes, I have two incredible brothers, but don’t remember either ever playing on a team or watching professional sports. My father never seemed interested. We did plenty of exercise- my parents ran daily and I recall one of my brothers being skilled at Martial Arts - but official sports, never. The first time I can remember ever being exposed to sport fan-dom was when our close friends son got married. A die-hard Redskins fan, my mom and her friends decided to make his post wedding celebration in the theme of the team. Down to maroon tablecloths and a signed helmet. And when my brother in law from Chicago joined the family, we definitely heard mention of the Bulls and the White Sox and possibly some other teams. To put it mildly, formalized sports was not on my radar.
When it comes to school sports, I think we have to remember the key word - SCHOOL. School is a place to learn - for the skilled educators to shape and model our children. Sports coaches and the school's attitude towards sports should be no different. I do believe in healthy competition, to a degree, but overall, I think sports has a lot to teach our children about how to understand themselves and their peers and the world around them.
When my children switched into their current school, one of the many things I had heard was there was great opportunity to be had in the extracurricular arena. Among other offerings, there were many sports teams they could be part of. I found this intriguing, as an avid runner and someone who values physical activity and all the benefits, mental and health related, this was an exciting opportunity and I encouraged my children to be part of it. Boy was I in for a surprise. I expected them to practice and get to move on a regular basis, but I was not prepared for the games. I was definitely not prepared for the concept of "benching" a child. For those of you unfamiliar (yes, I'm sure I'm not the only one who didn't know this existed) there are players who, for whatever reason their coach decides, sit on the bench for an entire season. They are sometimes played in games, for a minute or two. But for all intense purposes, they sit and watch as spectators as the other kids get playing time. You would think they would have had to do something really awful for this predicament, but they actually don't. What I've witnessed, both in my kids teams but also on many other teams, is that coaches choose their "favorites" before the season even starts and those kids just get played. Sometimes, those are the highly skilled kids, but not always. We've all witnessed favoritism and its never a pretty sight, but it is especially awful to watch in this arena where it is so public. Aside from the obvious issues, I truly think coaches are missing significant opportunities.
Sports is an amazing way to build skills. Not only do you learn the skills of the game itself, you learn everything from dexterity to coordination, but it is an incredible opportunity to build interpersonal skills and teamwork. It is practically a social skills group. Kids can learn to identify their own strengths and weaknesses and build on them. They can learn how to identify other people's strengths and play to them. They learn to share and that teamwork is the key to success, it isn't about the ones who score the points but about the assists and the "play". They can learn how to be graceful winners and graceful losers. They learn commitment and focus. The child who lacks confidence can find a way to shine in a totally different way on the field or the court. There are so many things to be gained above just the pursuit of trophies and banners.
Yes, every school wants to win, but at what cost? And, you can win but not crush. Have you ever sat at a game where the team was winning by such a large margin, there was no coming back for the opposing team, yet the strongest players (the "starters") were still in? I have, and it is more than mildly ridiculous. Once they "have it in the bag," every child should be out there, getting time on the court. There is no reason to teach kids to be crushers, teach them to be graceful and maybe a bit merciful. And when you're talking about lower and middle school teams, play all the players - I'm not advocating equal playing minutes for every kid - but be reasonable. You have to give them a chance to play if you want them to improve. Many of the kids in these age groups haven't spent time in the game, and if they don't put them out at that point, they never will.
I've discussed this with the headmaster at our school and been told that when kids are just allowed to play without "earning it," they will become entitled. Tell me, exactly, how a ten year old who shows up to every practice "earns" their playing time? Or a high school boy who is capable but hasn't been shown the same favoritism? Yes, I believe the kids should show up, learn the discipline, show dedication and commitment - I'm not advocating for putting every kid in for the same amount of time. But I am advocating for the sports to be more about character building and less about favoritism. More focus on building people who care, who see everyone, who work together and play together. Lets encourage the kids who want to move but aren't necessarily graceful athletes to continue to play. Lets make it about building champion humans!
I grew up in a house where I recall no role for formalized sports. Yes, I have two incredible brothers, but don’t remember either ever playing on a team or watching professional sports. My father never seemed interested. We did plenty of exercise- my parents ran daily and I recall one of my brothers being skilled at Martial Arts - but official sports, never. The first time I can remember ever being exposed to sport fan-dom was when our close friends son got married. A die-hard Redskins fan, my mom and her friends decided to make his post wedding celebration in the theme of the team. Down to maroon tablecloths and a signed helmet. And when my brother in law from Chicago joined the family, we definitely heard mention of the Bulls and the White Sox and possibly some other teams. To put it mildly, formalized sports was not on my radar.
When it comes to school sports, I think we have to remember the key word - SCHOOL. School is a place to learn - for the skilled educators to shape and model our children. Sports coaches and the school's attitude towards sports should be no different. I do believe in healthy competition, to a degree, but overall, I think sports has a lot to teach our children about how to understand themselves and their peers and the world around them.
When my children switched into their current school, one of the many things I had heard was there was great opportunity to be had in the extracurricular arena. Among other offerings, there were many sports teams they could be part of. I found this intriguing, as an avid runner and someone who values physical activity and all the benefits, mental and health related, this was an exciting opportunity and I encouraged my children to be part of it. Boy was I in for a surprise. I expected them to practice and get to move on a regular basis, but I was not prepared for the games. I was definitely not prepared for the concept of "benching" a child. For those of you unfamiliar (yes, I'm sure I'm not the only one who didn't know this existed) there are players who, for whatever reason their coach decides, sit on the bench for an entire season. They are sometimes played in games, for a minute or two. But for all intense purposes, they sit and watch as spectators as the other kids get playing time. You would think they would have had to do something really awful for this predicament, but they actually don't. What I've witnessed, both in my kids teams but also on many other teams, is that coaches choose their "favorites" before the season even starts and those kids just get played. Sometimes, those are the highly skilled kids, but not always. We've all witnessed favoritism and its never a pretty sight, but it is especially awful to watch in this arena where it is so public. Aside from the obvious issues, I truly think coaches are missing significant opportunities.
Sports is an amazing way to build skills. Not only do you learn the skills of the game itself, you learn everything from dexterity to coordination, but it is an incredible opportunity to build interpersonal skills and teamwork. It is practically a social skills group. Kids can learn to identify their own strengths and weaknesses and build on them. They can learn how to identify other people's strengths and play to them. They learn to share and that teamwork is the key to success, it isn't about the ones who score the points but about the assists and the "play". They can learn how to be graceful winners and graceful losers. They learn commitment and focus. The child who lacks confidence can find a way to shine in a totally different way on the field or the court. There are so many things to be gained above just the pursuit of trophies and banners.
Yes, every school wants to win, but at what cost? And, you can win but not crush. Have you ever sat at a game where the team was winning by such a large margin, there was no coming back for the opposing team, yet the strongest players (the "starters") were still in? I have, and it is more than mildly ridiculous. Once they "have it in the bag," every child should be out there, getting time on the court. There is no reason to teach kids to be crushers, teach them to be graceful and maybe a bit merciful. And when you're talking about lower and middle school teams, play all the players - I'm not advocating equal playing minutes for every kid - but be reasonable. You have to give them a chance to play if you want them to improve. Many of the kids in these age groups haven't spent time in the game, and if they don't put them out at that point, they never will.
I've discussed this with the headmaster at our school and been told that when kids are just allowed to play without "earning it," they will become entitled. Tell me, exactly, how a ten year old who shows up to every practice "earns" their playing time? Or a high school boy who is capable but hasn't been shown the same favoritism? Yes, I believe the kids should show up, learn the discipline, show dedication and commitment - I'm not advocating for putting every kid in for the same amount of time. But I am advocating for the sports to be more about character building and less about favoritism. More focus on building people who care, who see everyone, who work together and play together. Lets encourage the kids who want to move but aren't necessarily graceful athletes to continue to play. Lets make it about building champion humans!
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