A little too much

I’m writing this for anyone who might need to know it’s not just you. 

I heard a song recently and felt it was written for how I feel lately - 

“Though everyone said that she was so strong

What they didn't know is that she could barely carry on

But she knew that she would be okay

So she didn't let it get in her way
Sometimes, it all gets a little too much
But you gotta realize that soon the fog will clear up
And you don't have to be afraid, because we're all the same
And we know that sometimes it all gets a little too much”

Thanks Shawn Mendes for getting what it feels like to live through this war. For most people, the war has faded to background noise with a side of fear and dread about what the days news might bring. I don’t know about you, but for me, it is really hard to find meaning and purpose in the day to day lately.

We have to keep marching so we do - life keeps moving at its frenetic pace but more often than not I feel like I’m moving through the motions without any real motivation. Joy is something felt in rare snippets. It’s almost like watching the goings on from outside of myself. 

More than anything what keeps me going is knowing I have to keep going. That functioning is not a choice. That the things that are my routine don’t have to feel good or inspired - they have to get done. Knowing that this too will cycle through. There will be a time when there’s joy for our people, motivation and calm. Peace. It’s just not here yet. 

Outwardly, the kids have to see a smiling parent, a functional being who keeps moving even when times are tough. Fake it til you make it?

Doing my best to cherish the small moments, appreciate what is and not focus on what isn’t. Not think long term. 

One foot in front of the other. We’ll make it through. 

Anxieties of War

 I might be overstepping and making assumptions -but the way the world looks to me right now it seems that everyone is struggling with some level of anxiety.  As Jews, our world has been upended.  And while I am an American Jew who can't even begin to imagine or pretend to understand what the people in Israel are living through and the anxieties that might be plaguing them, I can speak to what my experience here is like and hope that together we can help each other through this.

I don't know about anyone else but I need to write this for me - I haven't had much time or energy to write in the last few months.  Life gets busy.  I think everyone is overall doing the best they can (even pre war) to live life and I am not always sure people need more advice, especially unsolicited.  So back to the blog I came to try and organize my jumbled thoughts into something cohesive that I can use to make sense of a world which has lost all sense to me.

I have gone through so many stages of thought in the past few weeks it is hard to keep track.  It started with flat out denial - while it was still holiday, I could somehow assume that people were exaggerating the "rumors" they heard.  There had been a bad terrorist attack or something but war, no that wasn't possible.

As the reports were verified and the phones were turned back on, denial turned to shock.  The enormity of what happened was slowly coming out and I don't think I could process the sheer numbers.  It seemed like something out of a horror movie, not something that our people could be living through.  Eventually, shock turned to grief and sadness.  Hope creeps in and out.  Stories of miracles trickled in.  Unprecedented unity took center stage.

But then the world, as it tends to do, turned on its axis and some people started to change the narrative.  Their voices, too loud, told the world a different story.  And so began a second war - a cyber war. 

Over three weeks have passed.  The world has both stood still and kept moving.  

Many are struggling to figure out how to be right now.  

How do we continue our "normal" lives while our people are being attacked? 

How do we feel any sense of purpose in what we usually find satisfaction with while we know there are wives holding down the forts at home while their husbands are at war? 

How do we keep breathing when we know babies are being held hostage by monsters? 

How do we function and not let the anxiety and the pain overwhelm us?

Tensions are running so high and everyone needs to find the balance that works for them to keep going during such trying times.  I can share some thoughts of what has been working for me and hope that someone somewhere is able to get through this time a little easier.

• Step away from the (fill in the blank) ____________ (TV, News, Instagram, Internet)  
• I'm assuming anyone reading this isn't an advisor to the Israeli war cabinet.  For the rest of us average citizens - it won't help you to check the news multiple times a day.  It will only intensify the feelings of what you are experiencing.  Many people have warned against not watching the traumatic footage - but even the good stories and the constant updates get draining and overwhelming.  Take breaks, make a time every day to check on what is happening - whether at a war room site where they consolidate the information or simply with a timer and a hard stop time.  You will breathe easier and realize that you get just about the same amount of information this way without the added anxiety.
• Find something meaningful to you to do
• There are so many initiatives going on so no shortage of options here.  Whether you want to make cards and packages for soldiers, send messages to wives who are home alone, spiritually "adopt a hostage" (this is my personal one which we have found meaningful), take on learning or praying or good deeds - the list goes on and on.  There are more ways to fight than being on the battlefront - fighting in spirit goes a long way to calming and helping us feel less helpless.
• Talk to your kids - take their pulse on the subject
• A lot of our kids are hearing and seeing so much about this war that they don't know how to process or shut out.  Make sure to keep the conversations open and be ok with them just wanting to turn it all off and be kids.
• Be Kind to Others ...and yourself
• Seems random to be on this list - but its hard to know how someone else is processing facts and events.  They might sound harsh or judge-y - just give everyone a little more leeway.  It might be a day they're not coping well.  They probably don't realize how harsh they're coming across.  Try to give everyone a tiny bit of extra kindness.  You'll feel better and you'll likely avoid unnecessary arguments.  And while we're on the topic - allow yourself a bad day here and there.  We can't be positive all the time and that's ok.  Just don't wallow too long.
• Don't engage
• If you have haters in your life - whether it be at work, online, or just generally people you meet - don't engage.  They're likely just ignorant.  Most don't want to know the truth - if they did they'd be able to see through the lies and realize what they're saying is ridiculous.  Post whatever truths you want on your social media or wherever, but don't engage with the negative feedback loop.  

There are times when we know we will never go back to the people we were before.  This is one of those times.  The world has changed.  We have seen the bad and the ugly.  We have seen antisemitism and hatred at levels we never imagined possible.  We have seen never again and it is terrifying.  But we have also seen Jewish unity in a way I don't think we knew was still possible.  We have seen true heroes.  We have learned new definitions of selflessness and sacrafice.  We are an eternal people who have been here before- we are not victims, we are survivors.   So like so many before us, we will pick up the pieces, we will find a way forward and forge a new path.  

It’s been a minute

 Life is full of ups and downs, busy seasons, organized chaos and some not so organized... This year has truly felt like one of those packed seasons. My husband has been traveling almost constantly for his businesses, one of my kids has been sick a lot and turning into somewhat of a medical puzzle, work is very full time, and life is just busy. I’ve written far less than I had planned. But today I want to talk about finding those moments of calm in the chaos. 

Every once in a while, despite the busy stuff of life, we need to find a space of calm. Sometimes it is harder to find than others. The space looks different for everyone- we’ve definitely talked about self care and making time for you in the past.  Today is less about the bigger picture self care and more about the moments of calm. The deep breath you may need to steady yourself in a crazy situation. The time-out you give yourself when your toddler or teen is out of control and you need to figure a better way to handle it. The hour you take off to hit your reset button. 

Yesterday was rainy and gloomy. My kids were feeling a bit stir crazy having a rainy Sunday with a bit of emptiness since my husbands traveling yet again. I couldn’t get out to exercise in the morning between various driving and the rain. It felt like a day that was going to be very long. Then I realized we needed to do something for them and then something for me. We went to Target, assembled some art supplies and watched a few YouTube videos to learn a technique and spent the next few hours as painters. When all was done and cleaned up, the kids told me I was free to get a run in. It was my moment. I didn’t think twice - just grabbed my shoes and was out the door. 

Whenever there’s a discussion about self care - as much as I’m pro the idea - I remember the times in my life when there was not time or a way for me to get real time in to care for myself. Whether you’ve got a lot of small kids and can’t routinely get out the door or you’re just too busy between work and kids - or you’re solo on a regular basis. It’s not always possible to have consistent me time. 

I often get asked about how to get into shape. My first piece of advice is always to take on small manageable things. If you start off by saying you’ll exercise for an hour every day, you’ll likely last a month if you are lucky. Often taking on too much is the best way to do nothing at all. Start small, build a foundation and brick by brick you’ll build strong walls. 

So don’t worry about not having enough time for self care. And don’t let that stop you from taking your moments and making the most of them. After all, a 10 minute Power Nap is still a nap. You’ll rarely regret giving yourself a minute. Eventually, the moments will build and you’ll have carved out space and time that helps you get through the chaos and find the calm amidst it. 

Staycation? Home bound?

 A friend asked me to create a post about what to do when you’re at home with kids - whether it’s a staycation, a random Sunday or your kids are home sick and you don’t want them on screens all day. Here are some activity ideas which my daughter came up with to keep them busy:

• Make your own frendship bracelets- you only need tape, strings, and scissors

• Pot holder weaving - you can find great kits at craft stores. We use this one ( look on the bottom for pictures)

• Do Coloring pages- you can go online and print them or you can draw your own

• Build a lego city

• Pretend to be at the spa - have fun with hair and makeup, nails, etc

• Do relay races inside or out

• Make up your own board game with cardboard boxes or poster board

• Make a play store with packaged or plastic foods - you can also make a cashier

• Decorate a calendar for this month

• Make a pillow fort

• Write a silly story

• Write letters to your friends and family

• Make something with  beads

• Read a story 

• Do an arts and crafts project

• scooter/bike/go on a walk outside

• Play hide and seek in your house - there are a lot of fun hiding places you can find in your house. In closets, behind the shades, etc.

• Do a baking/cooking project - do a recipe you’ve never tried before

• Do a treasure hunt inside with cool items from your house

• Play dress up

• Make a maze with tape on the floor and have toy cars go through it

• Make a race with cars

• Have a tea party - a lot of little girls like to do this ( I used to also)

• Play the floor is lava - put pillows and other soft items down on the floor and JUMP!

• Turn a room into a different world - your playroom can become the ocean, a mountain top, plenty of places to explore. You can even let them research places in a book of maps and let them create one of the places.

Friendship and Support

 Dear Kids,

Today I want to write you a letter that brings back over 20 years of memories and illustrates so much of what I want you to have when it comes to friendships and support.  

It started with a message I got on WhatsApp - letting me know that a friend's son (who had been diagnosed shortly after Yehudis was) got engaged.  I'm flooded with memories of what we went through during those years.  

Here's a short recap of how it all started.  I heard through the communal grapevine that a family in a city not far from ours was dealing with a brain tumor diagnosis.  These were the days before WhatsApp, social media or any of that stuff.  I wasn't sure if reaching out to them was an invasion of their privacy but I felt that they knew who I was (old camp connection) and I had gotten reach outs from another frum family in Israel when we started and it had helped me so it was worth a try.  I left a message on this woman's voicemail letting her know that I had heard about their diagnosis, I was here as a resource if she wanted or needed the support, and that she did not have to call me back if she didn't want to.  I figured that was my best shot at trying to help.  I got a call back, and it began a friendship which has stayed strong for over 20 years.  When we were in the thick of treatment and the aftermath, we wrote daily "missives" to each other.  Email was our form of communication.  Our letters could fill a book.  We shared our journeys and carried one another through the hardships.  To say I've cried many tears of joy since the news came last night would be fairly accurate.

So why does this constitute a blog post for you guys? I think what my friend and I have is a great way to see the need for a support system.  Our stories are extreme.  I pray you never deal with what we dealt with.  But life has so many ups and downs.  Raising your children takes an inordinate amount of strength.  Growing and evolving as a human being takes work and thought.  You will, G-d willing, have your spouses to support you.  But don't discount the role of building a great support network.  I'm always saying it takes a village, and it does, but within your village you will need one or two key people.  For fear of revealing my love of Grey's Anatomy, I quote Christina - "You’re my person. You will always be my person.”

Those people will change depending on the situation - you won't necessarily have one friend who you go to for every thing. You need a few, but a small few.  Support looks different for different people, but please remember you don't need to go at this life alone.  You have your family, but you always need friends.  You don't need a million likes on a social media post, we're not talking Facebook friends - I'm talking about the real kind, who you can share the deepest struggles with and never feel judged.  People who understand you and understand what you are about and what you are going through.

If I could only teach you two things about friendship - it would be to be a loyal friend to someone and to let someone in. I think the second is the hardest thing of all.  

You might have an occasion where you let someone in and they let you down.  Try not to be too harsh on them - they are human.  But also remember that friendships do change and evolve and if you can't keep them in your inner circle, that's ok.  Different friendships are for different times.

If you're lucky enough, as I have been, to have more than one friend in your life that you can say is your person, you will have a very rich life indeed.