Identifying Real Issues

I've had several discussions over the past year where a friend would tell me something that their child was displaying and a red flag went up in my mind - the type of 'I've seen that before and that isn't going to fix itself' type of flag.  When I mentioned to a friend recently that I think their child may be dealing with thing X and I've had experience with that issue, one of my own kids commented that not every kid who does Y has X issue just because that was my child's problem.  And I agree, sometimes we jump into situations and assume an issue exists when we may not have enough evidence or experience to 'diagnose' the issue.  But I think there are some things that come up with kids that leave us questioning whether this issue is a real issue or a phase that will pass, something that when they mature will resolve itself.  Is whatever the behavior at issue is annoying/hard to deal/driving us insane but clearly a stage they are going through or is this something we need to deal with head on/get professional help/do something about in order to intervene with whatever is going on.  And how are we, the parents, supposed to know which is which?

I think this is a complex issue to face as parents.  And I am going to admit, right off the bat, that there are going to be times when you miss and I would urge you, before we even begin this discussion, not to beat yourself up about those times.  We can't and won't be parents who know every bit of medical science and psychology to diagnose every issue we see in our children.  Sometimes the answers are blatant and clear - but not usually.  I myself have a daughter who had a brain tumor as a baby and when we look back to her diagnosis, there were so many red flags and even ones that we saw and brought her to doctors for and they misdiagnosed them as something else (when her eyes didn't look in one direction we took her to a top pediatric specialist and they said she had weak muscles without even taking any scans!).  Whatever issue you are facing, whenever you do catch it - I truly believe that is the right time for it to be caught.  But that doesn't mean we shouldn't be on alert for issues in our lives and try our best to catch what we can as fast as we can.

First things first, there are always going to be behaviors that our children have that set off flags in our minds.  Most of these behaviors are normal parts of child development.  I would say that most kids, as they approach the middle school years, go through an incredibly annoying phase where they can't figure out if they are little kids or big kids and they tend to needle the adults and bigger kids in their lives a lot at this time.  I don't believe these kids all have social issues that need to be approached - I think they're just in a naturally annoying phase.  In that phase, they don't necessarily pick up on every social que.  That doesn't mean they all need social skills training (though a bit of that in groups at school can prove very useful).  I believe that there are some signs that raise red flags and those are the things we should be looking at when trying to decide if intervention is needed.

There are several categories of red flag issues and I can't hope to cover them all in one post - but I'll start with broad strokes. 

Social Behavioral Issues -
When trying to determine if a behavior is not age appropriate, the first thing I do is to look at your child's peers.  Do they display similar behaviors? Is your child having a difficult time interacting with their peers? If your child is fine with their friends but only displaying this type of behavior at home or with siblings, that is actually a very healthy sign.  It may mean the behavior needs to be addressed at home, but it is a key to knowing your child is not struggling with a larger issue.  If the social interaction with their peers is suffering, then more than likely something bigger is going on.  If you have a good relationship with your pediatrician, they are usually a good first step to discussing troubling behaviors with.  Often they will have recommendations of where to start to get evaluations etc.

Cognitive/Educational Issues -
If the issue at hand is more cognitive or educational - the first thing to do is talk to your school.  Even if you aren't worried about a "big" issue, most teachers will have noticed a lot of whatever the behaviors you are concerned about.  Even if they haven't yet picked up on the issue, they are a good point of reference to figure out if this is something that just needs a little extra support or if your child has an educational issue that needs to be addressed.  Often people get frustrated because the school isn't responsive or has no idea how to identify the issues.  This is really a post in and of itself but as a brief point, more and more data is being collected about the learning issues that are not easily identifiable - things that fall much more into the executive functioning category.  If your child struggles in school but it doesn't seem to fit into the traditional Learning Disability categories and you've had them tested and been told they don't have an issue but you just know there is something that isn't right about how they are learning, just know there are other things out there that haven't even been identified yet.  Trust your gut and keep looking for answers.

Physical Issues -
This is going to be more on the way out there spectrum than some people like but if you see your child is suffering from ailments that can't necessarily be identified by regular medicine (frequent infections needing antibiotics, never ending viruses etc), I think it pays to explore how these things are all connected.  Sometimes the Doctors look at things through their medical lens and don't necessarily look at the body as a whole.  If you see the pieces adding up, it is likely something is being overlooked.  I wouldn't jump to the worst case scenarios to start - but again, trust your gut.  You are the parent and you have a certain amount of intuition which you shouldn't ignore.  Often, some food or environmental factors may be at play and once you figure it out, all the small things resolve themselves.  There are times when an osteopath may be worth consulting with if traditional MD's aren't helping you get the answers that you need. 

Emotional Issues (sometimes with physical parts) -
Here is one of the hardest things to figure out with kids.  An issue which is emotional has no predetermined guidelines to teach you what the "norm" really is and everything is by feel.  I find with my own kids that more often than not, they try and convince me that it is I who suffers from paranoia and they have no issue going on at all.  All I can say is, that usually hasn't been the case.  Kids who seem overly on edge and appear to be tense and short circuiting often are usually hiding some type of emotional issue they are facing.  These can range from tensions with friends that they can't seem to sort through to eating disorders and anything in between.  There are big and small issues but most of these need some sort of intervention.  At times, having the school counselor get involved is enough to kick start the process to figuring out how to deal with these.  Other times, outside help in the form of mental health professionals are needed.  Again, consulting with both your school and your pediatrician can be very useful in these situations.  Look at those professionals are your partners in helping you figure out how to best help your child.

I know this has painted some very broad strokes over issues which are complex - but we have to start the discussion somewhere.  Always remember these essential things:
1. You're the parent  and you should listen to your intuition - if something doesn't seem right, it is worth exploring
2. You have resources to help you - the doctor and the school are the first places to start - but family, professionals, etc are all there to help you figure out the right path to take
3. As long as you don't jump to conclusions or something extreme - a little exploration about a red flag never hurt anyone and more often than not helped lots of people.

You can never know what is truly a problem and what is just a phase, but using some of these points as a guide will hopefully help you begin the process of figuring that out.

Forgiveness

I think most parents have had some version of the following conversation- child did something wrong and parent says “say your sorry” and child does/doesn’t easily comply with the directive. If the child doesn’t, there’s usually some scuffle over getting them to comply, possibly some guilt (don’t you feel bad about what you did) etc. Sometimes I really wonder about this whole exchange. It is all so common to ask kids to apologize - but does apologizing for the sake of apologizing actually do anything ? Is the child feeling sorry if they’re told to apologize? What is the point of an apology that’s sought out? I honestly feel like this in many contexts - adult to adult does it make you feel better if someone wronged you and you have to ask for an apology or even have to point out to them what they did - do apologies really help or is there something more we, as people, need to move past some wrong that was done to us?

I guess to start with I’ll have to admit - I think saying sorry does help. There’s something to the act of having to admit to the person that we did something and we made a mistake. Maybe it’s slightly humbling. I’m not saying a child gets that completely to start with but it is definitely a good habit to build.

But I think there’s more to sorry than just words. I think it’s important to let mistakes become building blocks for kids. Conversation starters, if you will, where we can help our children discuss and dissect what happened and why. Did they fail to notice that their behavior was rude? Did they miss a chance to be kind? Did they possibly take advantage of someone else’s situation in an unfair way? Whatever the underlying cause of the mistake is, it’s best to help them identify it. Self reflection is such a crucial skill to build with kids. The younger you start the easier it is for them to be honest.

It’s important to keep a few key things in mind when having these conversations :
1. Don’t blame - it puts people on the defensive and is useless - discuss how something might make you or someone feel but not whose fault something is
2. Don’t use GUILT - guilt is not a feeling I think is useful for anyone and it is something that builds and gets carried around in life line an unwanted weight on your shoulders.
3. Be kind - when someone did something wrong, even a small child, they usually know it deep down. Don’t make them feel worse than they already do.

The best thing we can do for our kids is to help them build a picture of themselves as human - people who make mistakes but learn from and fix them. I think those apologies will serve them far better than a “say your sorry” directive.

New Year ... New Rules?

So a new year just began this week for those who observe the Jewish calendar and it got me thinking about New Years resolutions and changing things up. Mostly I have been thinking of how to find that reset button for bad patterns or habits we have allowed to fester in our house. And how, exactly, one goes about resetting the rules once kids are already into a routine?

Take, for example, our good old standby - electronics. Let’s assume you introduced electronics to your children without a solid framework for how to limit their access. Before you know it, your child is totally addicted to this awful device and your once interactive child is withdrawn and glued to their device every possible second. You’re sitting there trying to figure out how to restart - devise a thought out plan and approach to limiting their access. Every attempt you’ve made has fallen flat - they keep going back to the fact that you didn’t have that rule before so it’s not fair for you to change the rules in the midst of the game.

On the one hand, it’s true that change is hard and seems unfair to a child who was used to things being a certain way. On the other hand, we can’t all get it right the first time around. Sometimes change, while hard, is necessary.

Back to New Years resolutions- every year many people all around the globe take a step back and evaluate their lives. They try and pick some area they have performed to less than perfection and resolve to do things differently. Why can’t we do the same with our kids and our parenting? I say we can. And we should. Yes - change is hard. Mostly, we will suffer when we make a change more than anyone else - because we have to stick with it despite the resistance, the tantrums, the upset. But change is worthwhile. And, as the adults, we are in control. We must take that control and embrace it.

In order to effectively change anything in life - it’s important to remember 4 key things:
1. Focus - Rome wasn’t built in a day - it was built one structure at a time. Pick one thing to change and focus on that item alone.
2. Be consistent- if you’re all gung ho about your new rule but drop it within a week it’ll be hard for kids to take you seriously. Do whatever it takes to remind yourself to stick with the resolve
3. Don’t back down! Kids will resist changes, especially ones they deem to be “unfair” - don’t worry about what they think, it’s not a popularity contest. Remember you’re doing what you know is best for them!
4. Partner! Whoever your coparent May be - get them onboard so you have a uniform approach. Kids will look for every crack in the armor!

Going back to our example, resetting the rules for electronics is a hard process. Clear rules have to be established, usually devices have to be physically removed (possibly by force) for times when they are not to be used. Children, especially teens, will likely rage when these rules are put into place. But the good news is that if you stick to the rules and follow through, change is possible. And with those changes will usually come growth.  At my house, we’re going through this process now and I’m going to do my best to reread this daily until the storm passes and our new course is forged!