Life doesn’t always hand us a bag of peaches, much as we would like it to, so the big question I'm grappling with in this post is how can we best teach our kids the coping and survival skills to make the best of the rough situations they’ll inevitably face in life. This is something I’ve thought about quite a lot lately as I’ve been dealing with a variety of situations which have been far less than ideal.
To start with - yet again - I think it’s important to analyze ourselves a bit. How do we react to adverse situations? Do we take a positive attitude looking for a silver lining or do we spend a lot of time dwelling on the hard parts of the situation? Do we look to blame or just accept things for what they are? We could pick apart our own reactions and find ways we can model good approaches towards issues to begin with. Ideally we should work on our own reactions to adverse situations and try our best to find the positive in the adversity and focus on those. Beyond modeling the behavior, though, there’s a lot we can do to help give them the tools to deal with adversity.
I like to try a method I think of as the Rule of 3. Simply, you try to find the three most important factors to dealing with any item that arises. If you can find and apply a rule of three, you can attempt to approach any situation more positively.
I'll use a running example for the rule of three since it may help frame the idea - here are three things to focus on to help succeed in your run -
1. Don't go at it alone - find great partners to keep you motivated
2. Believe you can do it - usually just believing in yourself can get you farther than you could imagine
3. Keep at it - even when you don't think you have it in you - take one more step and that usually leads to another
How can we use this to help teach our kids resilience? Work with them to find 3 things in any given situation that can be their "rules" to approach the situation. Personally I think #1 on the running example is actually #1 of any approach you can take with them. The worst thing a person can feel in dealing with any situation is that they are alone. Stress the support system to your children. Discuss it when you are approaching your own adversity and remind them about it with every adverse situation they feel. Loneliness is the fuel for all things negative - the more a person thinks they are alone with their struggle, the harder it is to face that struggle. Stress to your child in any situation that they have backup - always! Of course they have you, the parent, but they're not always going to want you as their support system - so make sure they create other supports. Other adults who they can talk to (grandparents, mentors, family friends) and of course, their own friends.
Then go on to help them create another one to two "rules" to help them frame their situation. If they can apply these rules to their situation they can give themselves the tools to approach the situation better.
Let's take an example. A child is struggling in school with a bully. No matter what they do they can't seem to shake this child and their behavior. Day after day they are coming home and discussing the different antics this child is pulling on them. You've tried to help them self-advocate (and of course you're dealing with the situation from an adult level) - but instead of them coming day after day and feeling like a victim - you can help empower them. Enter the Rule of 3.
Here is a sample rule of 3 you may help them create.
Rule 1 - You're NOT Alone. Help them find solutions to how they can make sure not to face the problem alone. They can talk to the teacher/school counselor/principal etc. They can make sure they have a buddy during unsupervised times to help keep the bully and his/her behaviors away.
Rule 2 - Get Perspective! Think what may be going on in the bully's life that is making them behave this way. Does he/she have problems at home? Is he/she lonely? Does he/she have issues that no one is catching and that's why they're behaving this way? Sometimes just understanding the perspective of the other party in the issue can be extremely helpful in allowing them to find a solution to the situation, if there is one. Perspective can also allow them to assess how lucky they are not to have those things in their life.
Rule 3 - Refocus! There are far too many times where something arises in a child's life and everything starts to revolve around that. Help them refocus so they can stop giving their emotional energy to the situation and can instead channel their energy to more positive situations in their life.
Aside from their Rules - I believe it is important to stress to them that blaming anyone or anything during adversity does not solve anything. So often we quickly jump to assign blame for something that is happening in life - to us or around us - but that blame doesn't do anything to help resolve the situation. It is important to avoid the blame game as it diverts energy from resolutions. Most of the time it is not important who caused something - it is important to focus on solutions and resolutions. In cases where a behavior is recurrent and you notice an obvious catalyst, of course it is important to identify that - but the blame game rarely actually identifies these, it is more of a finger pointing exercise
Like most things, modeling and working through situations will help our kids build this skill set for themselves. As each situation arises, or as chronic issues continue to resurface - try the Rule of 3 method and hopefully you'll watch as they begin to create and apply their own rules to situations that arise.
Wednesday, May 29, 2019
Thursday, May 23, 2019
Technology
Technology is something we have no choice but to contend with in today’s day and age - but before we talk about kids and tech I think we have to look at the bigger picture. As a parent whenever I’m thinking about something I feel my kids need to deal with I first have to look at how I deal with it. Because like it or not we are constantly setting examples for the kids about how to be. So let’s ask ourselves a few questions about tech. How much does it control us? How often are we on our phones/devices? Not during the workday when it is part of our jobs - after hours. When we are sitting with our kids and playing a game - do we check our phone? When having a conversation or sitting at dinner? Does every buzz make us grab it and see if we’re needed for something? If you have social media are you constantly checking in on it?
I think to model good tech habits to our kids - even before setting up our systems and our guidelines- we have to be modeling restraint and proper phone time for our lives. We need to have a system to get the phones out of our hands and away for times when it isn’t appropriate.
Sometimes we think a challenge is unique to our generation - no one had such accessible devices before. But honestly I remember my mom on her cordless phone or walking the kitchen with the phone cord wrapping everywhere - I’m sure they dealt with this also. We’ve just got a new twist on an old issue - setting boundaries to not allow tech to invade our houses and control them.
So once we determine we have a good handle on how we want tech to be involved in our own life we can turn to how to introduce and modulate it in the kids lives.
First up - there are some essential tools that help in monitoring tech if you know where they are and you put them in place before you hand a device over to your kids. In the settings of any iPhone (and I’m sure android) are parental controls. In here you can set time limits, put a password on downloads and loads of other things to protect your kids automatically.
Here’s a link to show you exactly how to set controls and what is available.
https://m.imore.com/how-to-use-parental-controls-iphone-ipad
And there are secondary Apps you can use to monitor devices on your Wi-Fi. I am sure many of these exist and my list will be out date before I finish Writing but one good one I know of is called Disney circle. It allows you to register every device on your Wi-Fi and set shut down and time limits and types of apps which are not allowed or websites that it will block for you. Last I checked it cost Around $100 and I thought it was money well spent. The one drawback is clever kids who are desperate to get around it may find it and unplug it. If you have it when they are small I think they accept it more. You have the advantage of being ahead of some of this technology. Once your kids are teens and you have lots of battles to fight sometimes this doesn’t get into the A basket.
I guess the bigger question is how much or how little do we want to give the phone or any kind of technology to kids in order to allow them to get the benefit without getting the addiction. This is a really personal question and I think there is no blanket answer. Different kids have different needs and also different tendencies. Apps like Instagram and Facebook and Snapchat are built to addict - that is their goal and they study the science of addiction in order to make their apps tailored to dependency. Those are in a very different category than some educational games or watching movies. I think people have to decide how much screen time they want to allow their kids weekly and count every time you handover a phone or an iPad as part of that screen time. We tend to handover our phone when we’re asked can I play a game and not necessarily count that as screen time but really it all adds up. If you have a strategy for the amount of time and the amount of time at one sitting you are ok with then I think it makes technology easier to control. It’s almost like dieting where everyone thinks a little of this or a little of that doesn’t count but when you’re really trying for weight control or weight loss you know that the little things add up. If a kid is handed a device every time we need a little break or they nudge us then they get used to constantly being on a device but if there is a set amount of time and you involve them in controlling some of when they can use it - within the parameters you set then they get a measure of control (something kids crave desperately) and they learn how to self regulate.Discussing it with them helps this model I.e. you can choose to play this game or watch this YouTube video but then will mark off 20 minutes on your weekly time. You can have a sheet with a graph - maybe a bargraph for a little kids -where each block of time that they’re allowed is one chunk of the graph and then they can color it in. They know they’ve used that one and they have however many blocks you allocate for the week. All just ways for them to visually conceptualize what they’re doing and eventually they will get the idea more concretely.
I think to model good tech habits to our kids - even before setting up our systems and our guidelines- we have to be modeling restraint and proper phone time for our lives. We need to have a system to get the phones out of our hands and away for times when it isn’t appropriate.
Sometimes we think a challenge is unique to our generation - no one had such accessible devices before. But honestly I remember my mom on her cordless phone or walking the kitchen with the phone cord wrapping everywhere - I’m sure they dealt with this also. We’ve just got a new twist on an old issue - setting boundaries to not allow tech to invade our houses and control them.
So once we determine we have a good handle on how we want tech to be involved in our own life we can turn to how to introduce and modulate it in the kids lives.
First up - there are some essential tools that help in monitoring tech if you know where they are and you put them in place before you hand a device over to your kids. In the settings of any iPhone (and I’m sure android) are parental controls. In here you can set time limits, put a password on downloads and loads of other things to protect your kids automatically.
Here’s a link to show you exactly how to set controls and what is available.
https://m.imore.com/how-to-use-parental-controls-iphone-ipad
And there are secondary Apps you can use to monitor devices on your Wi-Fi. I am sure many of these exist and my list will be out date before I finish Writing but one good one I know of is called Disney circle. It allows you to register every device on your Wi-Fi and set shut down and time limits and types of apps which are not allowed or websites that it will block for you. Last I checked it cost Around $100 and I thought it was money well spent. The one drawback is clever kids who are desperate to get around it may find it and unplug it. If you have it when they are small I think they accept it more. You have the advantage of being ahead of some of this technology. Once your kids are teens and you have lots of battles to fight sometimes this doesn’t get into the A basket.
I guess the bigger question is how much or how little do we want to give the phone or any kind of technology to kids in order to allow them to get the benefit without getting the addiction. This is a really personal question and I think there is no blanket answer. Different kids have different needs and also different tendencies. Apps like Instagram and Facebook and Snapchat are built to addict - that is their goal and they study the science of addiction in order to make their apps tailored to dependency. Those are in a very different category than some educational games or watching movies. I think people have to decide how much screen time they want to allow their kids weekly and count every time you handover a phone or an iPad as part of that screen time. We tend to handover our phone when we’re asked can I play a game and not necessarily count that as screen time but really it all adds up. If you have a strategy for the amount of time and the amount of time at one sitting you are ok with then I think it makes technology easier to control. It’s almost like dieting where everyone thinks a little of this or a little of that doesn’t count but when you’re really trying for weight control or weight loss you know that the little things add up. If a kid is handed a device every time we need a little break or they nudge us then they get used to constantly being on a device but if there is a set amount of time and you involve them in controlling some of when they can use it - within the parameters you set then they get a measure of control (something kids crave desperately) and they learn how to self regulate.Discussing it with them helps this model I.e. you can choose to play this game or watch this YouTube video but then will mark off 20 minutes on your weekly time. You can have a sheet with a graph - maybe a bargraph for a little kids -where each block of time that they’re allowed is one chunk of the graph and then they can color it in. They know they’ve used that one and they have however many blocks you allocate for the week. All just ways for them to visually conceptualize what they’re doing and eventually they will get the idea more concretely.
Sunday, May 19, 2019
Housekeeping and Cleanliness
Ok now here’s when things start to get real for me. Everyone has their THING- the issue that impedes their ability to function like a normal human. For me we have hit that topic. I’m completely ok with mess as the day goes along - but walking in to a disaster makes all my rational parenting skills dissolve and all I feel is frustration. I’m sure there are other people who get affected by physical mess this way - and I’m sure there are those among us who simply don’t care and can sort it out without losing it. Whichever category you fall into - dealing with kids and housekeeping and having a strategy for it can help a lot. For most people housekeeping is a B basket issue. I try to remind myself that in this way I should strive to be like most people. This is one that reminds me that it is not an urgent issue and should be handled when the time is right - not in panic mode.
Like so much of what we discuss - modeling and planning how to address housekeeping issues not only helps in the short run (you never want to feel like your kids maid) but will help them build much needed skills for the long run as well. That being said - be realistic. Whatever you teach them and however amazing you can score on this topic - as the parent you will always be doing the lions share of the housework. No matter how much they help, running a house and raising a family creates loads and loads of messes and - to be fair - we chose our family and (most likely) how many kids we have (give or take a few surprises for some people) and it’s not realistic to expect the kids to pick up most of the slack. But what can they do and how can we best show them how to be active participants in the house in a meaningful way?
First, involve them. It sounds simple but sometimes it is so much faster and easier to do things ourselves when the kids are little (or big, truthfully, as teenagers don’t often respond on the first attempt or the tenth) that we simply take care of them. That is a no-no in my book, within reason of course. If you start your kids young feeling responsible for their surroundings, I believe you instill in them a feeling of responsibility. It doesn’t have to be huge tasks at the beginning but even clearing their dishes when they finish, involving them in the washing up, getting them a little broom - whatever it takes to make them feel part of the cleanup routine. When they’re getting ready to go into the bath - they put their stuff in the hamper. They spread their bed covers in the morning. Small things that take a little extra patience on our end can payoff big time in the long run.
Now, if you’re coming into this at a different point in your parenting - all is not lost if you didn’t start this way. Parenting means having the ability to change directions and introduce new things. Starting a new routine with older kids is hard but not impossible. Especially if you can be honest and open with your kids in a non emotional way about an issue that is happening at home. Recently I’ve been overwhelmed by the sheer amount of cleanup and I realized I had totally succumbed to this mistake - not setting clear standards for what people should be contributing to in the housework and just taking care of it once everyone was settled for the night- and I was exhausted. After several failed attempts at soliciting help - I wrote my kids a little letter (on the family WhatsApp, yes, the new age way to do it) and I asked them to be cognizant of the fact that after a full day of work I don’t really want to spend hours cleaning up at night and miss out on time with the younger kids so if everyone pitched in and we cleaned the kitchen all at once we could probably cut the time significantly. It didn’t work overnight but with consistency and reminders it is getting so much better. The key is not to wait until it’s at breaking point and you’re ready to snap to address it - it’s never too late and nothing is impossible. I tell my kids we have a reset button in each of us and sometimes it’s time to push it.
Another truth here - sometimes we need a repercussion no discussion tactic here. If you’ve tried the positive routes and are not making progress - then comes time for the talk. I recently started a policy - if your stuff is out when I find it - it goes to the lost and found. In my house, that was inconveniently located on the back porch. Weather was not a factor in this one. No one really wanted to be stuck going outside to find their shoes or backpacks that they had left strewn all over. It didn’t take too long for this policy to help with the messes that were being left for me.
There is so much that can be said for the topic of housekeeping so I’ll stop at this point for now and pick it back up at a future date with more on this topic.
Like so much of what we discuss - modeling and planning how to address housekeeping issues not only helps in the short run (you never want to feel like your kids maid) but will help them build much needed skills for the long run as well. That being said - be realistic. Whatever you teach them and however amazing you can score on this topic - as the parent you will always be doing the lions share of the housework. No matter how much they help, running a house and raising a family creates loads and loads of messes and - to be fair - we chose our family and (most likely) how many kids we have (give or take a few surprises for some people) and it’s not realistic to expect the kids to pick up most of the slack. But what can they do and how can we best show them how to be active participants in the house in a meaningful way?
First, involve them. It sounds simple but sometimes it is so much faster and easier to do things ourselves when the kids are little (or big, truthfully, as teenagers don’t often respond on the first attempt or the tenth) that we simply take care of them. That is a no-no in my book, within reason of course. If you start your kids young feeling responsible for their surroundings, I believe you instill in them a feeling of responsibility. It doesn’t have to be huge tasks at the beginning but even clearing their dishes when they finish, involving them in the washing up, getting them a little broom - whatever it takes to make them feel part of the cleanup routine. When they’re getting ready to go into the bath - they put their stuff in the hamper. They spread their bed covers in the morning. Small things that take a little extra patience on our end can payoff big time in the long run.
Now, if you’re coming into this at a different point in your parenting - all is not lost if you didn’t start this way. Parenting means having the ability to change directions and introduce new things. Starting a new routine with older kids is hard but not impossible. Especially if you can be honest and open with your kids in a non emotional way about an issue that is happening at home. Recently I’ve been overwhelmed by the sheer amount of cleanup and I realized I had totally succumbed to this mistake - not setting clear standards for what people should be contributing to in the housework and just taking care of it once everyone was settled for the night- and I was exhausted. After several failed attempts at soliciting help - I wrote my kids a little letter (on the family WhatsApp, yes, the new age way to do it) and I asked them to be cognizant of the fact that after a full day of work I don’t really want to spend hours cleaning up at night and miss out on time with the younger kids so if everyone pitched in and we cleaned the kitchen all at once we could probably cut the time significantly. It didn’t work overnight but with consistency and reminders it is getting so much better. The key is not to wait until it’s at breaking point and you’re ready to snap to address it - it’s never too late and nothing is impossible. I tell my kids we have a reset button in each of us and sometimes it’s time to push it.
Another truth here - sometimes we need a repercussion no discussion tactic here. If you’ve tried the positive routes and are not making progress - then comes time for the talk. I recently started a policy - if your stuff is out when I find it - it goes to the lost and found. In my house, that was inconveniently located on the back porch. Weather was not a factor in this one. No one really wanted to be stuck going outside to find their shoes or backpacks that they had left strewn all over. It didn’t take too long for this policy to help with the messes that were being left for me.
There is so much that can be said for the topic of housekeeping so I’ll stop at this point for now and pick it back up at a future date with more on this topic.
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
What About Me?
Inevitably there comes a time when every one of us is tapped out. There is not a parent in the world who doesn't get to a point where they are just DONE. I honestly think that no matter how hard you try, this will happen to every one of you at some point in your parenting. I'm not being a naysayer - I'm just being honest. And I want you to realize it is OK to be done every once in a while. I've heard of more than a few Mommy Time Outs people have needed.
When the kids are younger and there is more physical exhaustion to contend with you think you're tired, but when the kids hit their teen years and there are no diapers to change - the exhaustion takes on a whole different meaning. You need to attend to yourself at all stages - because parenthood shouldn't totally define your view of yourself.
What I want to discuss is more about how to prevent getting to a point where you are so tapped out that it takes a toll on your life and your family. Where you let it go too far for too long and lose a little of who you are. And often you lose who you are as a couple in the mix of who you are as parents.
Before you think - that is not the kind of person I am and that will never happen to me - let me just be honest - it totally happened to me at a certain point in my kids teen years. I always thought of myself as first a mother and next a wife and third a person. I'm not telling you my priorities were totally messed up but I do think I was making a huge mistake.
There I was, 37 years old with 2 small children and inundated by the older kids who had suddenly become teenagers. I thought I had the whole parenting thing figured out and understood the routine but all of that confidence had ebbed - suddenly my teenagers couldn't stop telling me how wrong I was, irrelevant, hypocritical - every step I took felt like it was in the wrong direction. I was facing scenarios I had no experience with and no idea how to proceed with - and yet I was the Mom and was supposed to know what I was doing.
In my opinion - the order should probably be first I'm a person, a unique and talented individual who has loads to contribute to this world. Next, I'm a mom and a wife. I have roles that I play and those are essential but they don't define the sum total of who I am.
Why is this distinction so important? The truth of the matter is that mothers and fathers who never take the time out to be individuals lose some of themselves. Don’t forget you will have a life once your kids leave the house also - if for no other reason keep that in mind. You need to keep developing in life - you need to have a growth mindset. You need time to rest and recharge and continuously define who and what you are and what your personal goals are. When your kids are young it seems almost impossible to get those moments for yourself but they are crucial. One thing I think I didn't realize is that even small things make a difference. There is almost never a time when you can't make ANY time. A car running on empty can't drive forever. Try to remember a time before you had a spouse and kids - I'm sure there were so many self nurturing things you did to keep going. Increased responsibility shouldn't make those things less important. They are far more difficult to prioritize but that actually makes them more important, not less.
I think it is important every once in a while to do something big (like a trip away without kids) and I think its really nice to get a date night often (but full disclosure - if we get one every 3-4 months we're lucky) but those are not the only things that self nurture. You need regular scheduled time where you can be an adult and an individual and other times just a couple.
If planning a night out or a trip away without kids is too hard (which it is for many parents) - then find little things you can do to get breaks. Play a game at night after your kids go to bed. Take a walk. Join a gym with babysitting and make a point to get there at least twice a week. Find an exercise class that meets early and make the effort to go. Find a study partner and learn something together. Go to the library and get a book on a topic you know nothing about and learn it. Whatever it is - keep yourself engaged. Everyone has different avenues to do this (mine is almost always exercise - I could go on a lot about the benefits from a health and mind/body wellness perspective but I'll only do that if people request an exercise how to post). Volunteer somewhere other than your kids school - a community organization or a cause that means a lot to you (warning - don't over commit on this even if you think it is your self nurturing time because it tends to impact your family if you do and then you'll find it more a drain on you than a self nurturing setting). It doesn't matter what form your self nurturing time takes - you need to make it a priority.
In the end of the day your kids are actually going to manage without you and your house likely won't fall apart from a little neglect if that is what it takes. If you have a supportive partner, hopefully they won't allow that to happen - they'll pick up the pieces when you get to be out and you won't suffer from it after. Sometimes we need to encourage our partners to make this time for themselves if they don't know how to as well. The end result is a better parent who has more time and energy to give to their kids. And kids who see balance. And a house which is healthier.
Let's be honest - there will still be days you're gonna be DONE - but you, the person who you are and the human in you - will be thriving and well.
When the kids are younger and there is more physical exhaustion to contend with you think you're tired, but when the kids hit their teen years and there are no diapers to change - the exhaustion takes on a whole different meaning. You need to attend to yourself at all stages - because parenthood shouldn't totally define your view of yourself.
What I want to discuss is more about how to prevent getting to a point where you are so tapped out that it takes a toll on your life and your family. Where you let it go too far for too long and lose a little of who you are. And often you lose who you are as a couple in the mix of who you are as parents.
Before you think - that is not the kind of person I am and that will never happen to me - let me just be honest - it totally happened to me at a certain point in my kids teen years. I always thought of myself as first a mother and next a wife and third a person. I'm not telling you my priorities were totally messed up but I do think I was making a huge mistake.
There I was, 37 years old with 2 small children and inundated by the older kids who had suddenly become teenagers. I thought I had the whole parenting thing figured out and understood the routine but all of that confidence had ebbed - suddenly my teenagers couldn't stop telling me how wrong I was, irrelevant, hypocritical - every step I took felt like it was in the wrong direction. I was facing scenarios I had no experience with and no idea how to proceed with - and yet I was the Mom and was supposed to know what I was doing.
In my opinion - the order should probably be first I'm a person, a unique and talented individual who has loads to contribute to this world. Next, I'm a mom and a wife. I have roles that I play and those are essential but they don't define the sum total of who I am.
Why is this distinction so important? The truth of the matter is that mothers and fathers who never take the time out to be individuals lose some of themselves. Don’t forget you will have a life once your kids leave the house also - if for no other reason keep that in mind. You need to keep developing in life - you need to have a growth mindset. You need time to rest and recharge and continuously define who and what you are and what your personal goals are. When your kids are young it seems almost impossible to get those moments for yourself but they are crucial. One thing I think I didn't realize is that even small things make a difference. There is almost never a time when you can't make ANY time. A car running on empty can't drive forever. Try to remember a time before you had a spouse and kids - I'm sure there were so many self nurturing things you did to keep going. Increased responsibility shouldn't make those things less important. They are far more difficult to prioritize but that actually makes them more important, not less.
I think it is important every once in a while to do something big (like a trip away without kids) and I think its really nice to get a date night often (but full disclosure - if we get one every 3-4 months we're lucky) but those are not the only things that self nurture. You need regular scheduled time where you can be an adult and an individual and other times just a couple.
If planning a night out or a trip away without kids is too hard (which it is for many parents) - then find little things you can do to get breaks. Play a game at night after your kids go to bed. Take a walk. Join a gym with babysitting and make a point to get there at least twice a week. Find an exercise class that meets early and make the effort to go. Find a study partner and learn something together. Go to the library and get a book on a topic you know nothing about and learn it. Whatever it is - keep yourself engaged. Everyone has different avenues to do this (mine is almost always exercise - I could go on a lot about the benefits from a health and mind/body wellness perspective but I'll only do that if people request an exercise how to post). Volunteer somewhere other than your kids school - a community organization or a cause that means a lot to you (warning - don't over commit on this even if you think it is your self nurturing time because it tends to impact your family if you do and then you'll find it more a drain on you than a self nurturing setting). It doesn't matter what form your self nurturing time takes - you need to make it a priority.
In the end of the day your kids are actually going to manage without you and your house likely won't fall apart from a little neglect if that is what it takes. If you have a supportive partner, hopefully they won't allow that to happen - they'll pick up the pieces when you get to be out and you won't suffer from it after. Sometimes we need to encourage our partners to make this time for themselves if they don't know how to as well. The end result is a better parent who has more time and energy to give to their kids. And kids who see balance. And a house which is healthier.
Let's be honest - there will still be days you're gonna be DONE - but you, the person who you are and the human in you - will be thriving and well.
Friday, May 3, 2019
Family Time
Family time can either be an amazing experience where everyone really feels they bonded or an absolute nightmare - depending on so many factors.
Let’s take a typical example. You are trying to get some QT in with your kids and you’ve planned an outing. You’ve put energy and thought into what the kids would like and you’ve carved out this much needed time. Then BAM - one of the kids pipes up and says this outing is stupid and the whole tone is set - in all the wrong ways. I can’t count how many times this has happened in my life and it’s so incredibly frustrating. You just want them to take advantage of the opportunities and not prejudge them. You want everyone to realize that fun is what you make fun. But that perspective is so very lacking at a young age - they’re living in the here and now and do not seem to be able to see past it. So how can we make family time an all around good experience?
If I had the perfect answer to this I think I would be the best selling author to a self help parenting book - but I can offer some ideas and perspective that may help improve both the actual family time and your personal experience with it.
Family time can take on so many faces - in the house with a game night, dinner outdoors where everyone sits down at once, a short outing or a big trip. Don’t discount small family time opportunities. Not to sound cliche but life really is made up of a compilation of lots of little things. Make small opportunities more often so the family gets into a good groove of just being together and present.
I think it helps to have perspective on what your expectations are for time together. All too often I find that things are disappointing because my expectations were too high. I don’t recommend having no expectations but my motto in life is to always keep my expectations of others low so I’m surprised when things work out well. It may sound pessimistic but in a way it leaves more room for happiness with situations.
Practically here are some ways to maximize the family time. First, I’d highly recommend making a no personal tech rule for family time - it’s reallt hard to bond when you’re competing with the phone for “face time”. Second, for both the small and big family time experiences - set a time limit. Just like when you are out with your kids anywhere and you want to quit when you’re ahead - family time should have a structure and when you finish don’t drag it out. Meltdowns from over extending the time will likely be all you remember from an outing and can so easily be avoided. This applies to small kids as well as teens (and lets be real, parents also). Third, don’t make small family times an A basket issue. This is a hard thing for me to live up to but over time I’ve learned - if a child is making an issue about family time and they’re going to ruin it for everyone else - let it be. Sometimes family time can be partial family too. As hard as this is it’s really smart for the general vibe. I’ve let a child stay home and skip a day trip and I even once conceded and let one miss a family vacation. It wasn’t a battle I wanted to fight and it didn’t feel like even if I won the remainder of the family would benefit. I wouldn’t recommend this as Plan A and I’d certainly say this only kicks in when you’re dealing with older teens - but even little kids sometimes can’t hack a small family time experience like a game night when they’re in a rotten mood and it’s OK to say this is one you can sit out. I know I’ll have people who disagree on that but I’ve listened to too many parents complain about a ruined family time experience because they forced a recalcitrant child to be part and I think it’s sad to ruin it for everyone. I would, however, strongly advise that if you need to take this route - make sure the rest have a blast so they talk it up and that child senses they don’t want to miss out again.
Now for the how to ideas - involve the kids in the planning. If you make it too much of a free for all you’re unlikely to come to a Consensus but you could take different approaches to this. A round robin planning opportunity could help. Have a chart where each kid gets a turn to plan the monthly (or weekly or whatever interval) outing. Or which game to play after dinner one weekend night. A little pep talk about people being cooperative with others ideas if they want others to be cooperative about theirs may go far in this arena. Or there could be an ongoing list of activity ideas and you could choose one or two to vote on each time. There are a ton of website which list things to do in your area. If you’re heading to a new place - googling “24 hours in (location ) to find out the highlights of that area. Set a budget before you suggest an idea so you can know what the parameters are. Adding more financial stress to families is never conducive to a relaxing experience.
For big trips - remember less is more. Yes - there are places that are conducive to sunrise to twilight days - but on more relaxed big trips- go for later mornings (even if your kids don’t sleep late) so there’s a relaxed feeling and people can take their time and have free playing opportunities. In general try to plan but not over plan. Vacations can be relaxing with kids (to a degree) if you don’t feel like every moment needs structure. And (on the topic of the big trips) - expect some parts to be less than family bonding oriented because everyone can’t be “on” all the time and disagreements will happen. Try not to let them mark the time - like other things - take a step back when they don’t go as planned, find that reset and remind yourself of the big picture - bonding and memories. After a short reset break you can likely take it back to where you want it to be. One last suggestion for big trips - establish some traditions. These can be little things like a song you sing every time you pass something on the road (going to the beach every summer we sang “it’s a grand old flag” every time we passed an American flag) or games you play on the road or a specific game you always play in vacation (long evenings of Risk for those old enough to remember it). You could choose anything but you’d be amazed to hear your kids talk about these years later with such fondness. This only hit me recently when my oldest kids (some already in college) were telling the younger (who are still in elementary) about those things from past trips.
Let’s take a typical example. You are trying to get some QT in with your kids and you’ve planned an outing. You’ve put energy and thought into what the kids would like and you’ve carved out this much needed time. Then BAM - one of the kids pipes up and says this outing is stupid and the whole tone is set - in all the wrong ways. I can’t count how many times this has happened in my life and it’s so incredibly frustrating. You just want them to take advantage of the opportunities and not prejudge them. You want everyone to realize that fun is what you make fun. But that perspective is so very lacking at a young age - they’re living in the here and now and do not seem to be able to see past it. So how can we make family time an all around good experience?
If I had the perfect answer to this I think I would be the best selling author to a self help parenting book - but I can offer some ideas and perspective that may help improve both the actual family time and your personal experience with it.
Family time can take on so many faces - in the house with a game night, dinner outdoors where everyone sits down at once, a short outing or a big trip. Don’t discount small family time opportunities. Not to sound cliche but life really is made up of a compilation of lots of little things. Make small opportunities more often so the family gets into a good groove of just being together and present.
I think it helps to have perspective on what your expectations are for time together. All too often I find that things are disappointing because my expectations were too high. I don’t recommend having no expectations but my motto in life is to always keep my expectations of others low so I’m surprised when things work out well. It may sound pessimistic but in a way it leaves more room for happiness with situations.
Practically here are some ways to maximize the family time. First, I’d highly recommend making a no personal tech rule for family time - it’s reallt hard to bond when you’re competing with the phone for “face time”. Second, for both the small and big family time experiences - set a time limit. Just like when you are out with your kids anywhere and you want to quit when you’re ahead - family time should have a structure and when you finish don’t drag it out. Meltdowns from over extending the time will likely be all you remember from an outing and can so easily be avoided. This applies to small kids as well as teens (and lets be real, parents also). Third, don’t make small family times an A basket issue. This is a hard thing for me to live up to but over time I’ve learned - if a child is making an issue about family time and they’re going to ruin it for everyone else - let it be. Sometimes family time can be partial family too. As hard as this is it’s really smart for the general vibe. I’ve let a child stay home and skip a day trip and I even once conceded and let one miss a family vacation. It wasn’t a battle I wanted to fight and it didn’t feel like even if I won the remainder of the family would benefit. I wouldn’t recommend this as Plan A and I’d certainly say this only kicks in when you’re dealing with older teens - but even little kids sometimes can’t hack a small family time experience like a game night when they’re in a rotten mood and it’s OK to say this is one you can sit out. I know I’ll have people who disagree on that but I’ve listened to too many parents complain about a ruined family time experience because they forced a recalcitrant child to be part and I think it’s sad to ruin it for everyone. I would, however, strongly advise that if you need to take this route - make sure the rest have a blast so they talk it up and that child senses they don’t want to miss out again.
Now for the how to ideas - involve the kids in the planning. If you make it too much of a free for all you’re unlikely to come to a Consensus but you could take different approaches to this. A round robin planning opportunity could help. Have a chart where each kid gets a turn to plan the monthly (or weekly or whatever interval) outing. Or which game to play after dinner one weekend night. A little pep talk about people being cooperative with others ideas if they want others to be cooperative about theirs may go far in this arena. Or there could be an ongoing list of activity ideas and you could choose one or two to vote on each time. There are a ton of website which list things to do in your area. If you’re heading to a new place - googling “24 hours in (location ) to find out the highlights of that area. Set a budget before you suggest an idea so you can know what the parameters are. Adding more financial stress to families is never conducive to a relaxing experience.
For big trips - remember less is more. Yes - there are places that are conducive to sunrise to twilight days - but on more relaxed big trips- go for later mornings (even if your kids don’t sleep late) so there’s a relaxed feeling and people can take their time and have free playing opportunities. In general try to plan but not over plan. Vacations can be relaxing with kids (to a degree) if you don’t feel like every moment needs structure. And (on the topic of the big trips) - expect some parts to be less than family bonding oriented because everyone can’t be “on” all the time and disagreements will happen. Try not to let them mark the time - like other things - take a step back when they don’t go as planned, find that reset and remind yourself of the big picture - bonding and memories. After a short reset break you can likely take it back to where you want it to be. One last suggestion for big trips - establish some traditions. These can be little things like a song you sing every time you pass something on the road (going to the beach every summer we sang “it’s a grand old flag” every time we passed an American flag) or games you play on the road or a specific game you always play in vacation (long evenings of Risk for those old enough to remember it). You could choose anything but you’d be amazed to hear your kids talk about these years later with such fondness. This only hit me recently when my oldest kids (some already in college) were telling the younger (who are still in elementary) about those things from past trips.
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