Independence

A few summers ago my three oldest daughters went on a trip to Europe alone. They were 19, 18 and 16 at the time. Most people who heard about it actually looked at me like I was insane. Who in their right mind would allow their three teenagers to travel Europe alone. They did something like 8 cities in 16 days and they had the time of their lives. It was amazing exposure to the world, bonding time and an incredible adventure. They worked hard, paid for the majority of the trip alone and, for the most part, navigated the situation on their own. They planned and executed just about every detail alone. But when they were en route to Paris their air bnb fell through at the last minute and they were scrambling and their cell phones were almost out of battery and they had no idea what to do - that’s when they called mommy for a bit of help. I booked them a hotel and sorted things out - swooped in when there was a bit of panic. (To the question of whether we are crazy parents for allowing the trip...jury’s still out. I actually never regretted it for a second - though I definitely worried for more than a few seconds while they were out traipsing the world).

When my kids were little, I was fiercely determined to teach them to be independent. I was that mom who let them choose their clothes and walk out dressed kinda crazy, who insisted they tie their own shoes and button themselves even when it meant things took soooo much longer. There were definitely times I thought to myself - why did I create this monster - we just gotta get out the door.  All I wanted was to make sure they had a strong sense of their own abilities to navigate in a world where all too often you’re on your own and need to know how to maneuver alone.  Now that my first few girls are older and I watch their independence, sometimes it actually scares me. I might have done too good a job at this particular aspect of their life. At times I notice them thinking they have to go at things alone when they could come and get some help or advice or support. So today’s conundrum is - can we teach our kids independence while still leaving the door open to teamwork? Are they mutually exclusive?

Somewhere in this great universe there is an incredible concept called balance - if someone out there has actually found a way to teach it and define it, please share! But in all honesty, I believe there is a tremendous amount of balancing when it comes to life and this issue in particular. We must give our kids their wings and let them fly. They need to trust themselves and their abilities. There are definitely situations where we have to be like those mother birds and push them out of the nest and test their wings. And there are times when they need to fall flat on their faces and pick themselves back up without our help. But there are also times when we need to step in and guide and direct them.   So how can we find the balance on this particular issue? Honestly, part of me thinks we apply so many of the rules we’ve set up for ourselves in parenting already.

To start, how can we foster that much needed independence?

Before delving into the how to - I have to throw a thought out there. Many parents don’t foster independence because of two things - their own fears or because deep down they want their children to need them. Try to remember never to let your fear define their lives. And that they will always need you (read this post on relevance).

Once you remember that, the first question to ask yourself is - what basket does the issue they’re facing fall into? (For a review of the basket method, read this post). If the issue you’re facing is an A basket - especially if their safety is involved, I would strongly suggest that you don’t use it as the time to teach independence. There will be plenty of opportunities to teach it, I personally wouldn’t focus on it with an issue you’re really focused and struggling in with them.

Second, most of independence is about self confidence. Being self aware, knowing your own strengths and weaknesses and believing you can do whatever task is at hand is how most adults approach situations and navigate them. Bolster their self confidence at every turn. If they feel you believe in them, it will help them believe in themselves.

Third, teach them troubleshooting skills. Most problems don’t have one solution- there are so many ways to approach an issue. When you come up against issues with them, discuss the options - talk it through and role play. Let them be the problem solvers. I often apply the rule of 3 (discussed this back in my post about teaching resilience).  If you are constantly feeding them the solutions to their problems, they will feel they need you to come up with those solutions. You’d be amazed what they can come up with given the opportunity.

But, most importantly, remind them they’re never in it alone.

They have you and you will always have their back. Remind them often and especially in difficult situations that they can come to you when they hit a wall. That they should never give up on something because they can’t accomplish it alone. Remind them that everyone needs community and we all thrive on it. Remind them that it doesn’t make them dependent to need help with someone. Show them in your own life how you use your family/friends/community to accomplish your goals. Independence and community are not mutually exclusive. They actually feed each other and allow each to grow and thrive.

There are situations where independence is essential - they must be able to navigate situations and think and strategize and plan and execute alone. But life is not all or nothing and when we are in difficult situations, the best thing we can have is support.

Hitting Reset ... Finding the Love

One of the amazing things about life is that sometimes no matter how right we are, we are actually wrong. That may seem like an odd statement but when you stop to think about it - there are times when we do all the right things, have a solid course of action and a smart, thoughtful plan and yet it goes all wrong. Or it goes right from our end but the recipient doesn’t think it’s gone well at all. In short, even the best laid out plans fail.

As parents we sometimes get into situations where no matter how perfect our strategy - it just is not working. We planned, thought through our goals for the child and the situation and came up with what, objectively, seems like the perfect approach. Despite all of the work and thought we put in, though, the plan fails miserably. Our child is not at all receptive to our approach and no matter how hard we try to discuss, frame, explain - we have to face the truth - it isn’t working. I’ll tell you the truth, sometimes we can’t face that. Or we can’t see it because we are so embroiled in the struggle over whatever it is that we just keep, essentially, banging our heads against the wall.

Recently I had this happen. I was convinced that my approach with a certain issue for one of my kids was the only way. And although logically, my way made sense - my child was not responsive at all. In fact, I was actually shutting them down. And I honestly couldn’t see it myself. It took a wise friend to tell me point blank - “you are failing , you need to stop. Remind your child that you love them and then you need to change gears” (thank you, wise friend, your advice was exactly what I needed to hear).

At that point when you come to this realization you are sort of at a crossroads. You could try another approach (and eventually you probably should) but before you do, sometimes it is important to find the reset button. Take a moment and remember the underlying reason you are doing all of this - your child’s welfare. Because we actually only want what’s best for them. Everything we do for them is ultimately a way to show our love for them. If we didn’t care about them, none of these struggles and failures and successes would mean much. It’s incredibly important to take the time and show them that love.

I heard a beautiful eulogy this past week where the wife of the person who had passed away said “he held my hand through life, literally and figuratively. And every once in a while, he would squeeze my hand to remind me he was there.” It was so touching and also such a great message to take away. We are all in this life together, we are trying our best but even our best just doesn’t cut it sometimes. But everyone, in the end of the day, just needs to feel a little squeeze. A reminder that you are there and even if you’re fighting or struggling or can’t find the same page - you love them. Stress the love.

I strive to give practical advice on this blog - so readers aren’t left feeling like that’s a nice thought but how do I do that when I’m in the middle of world war 3 with my child?

Here’s how - gestures. Big gestures. Small gestures. Any gesture to remind them you are there. Write a card to tell them you love them and you don’t love fighting with them. Buy them flowers. Leave them a little surprise in their backpack that they’ll find and remember how much you care. Text them how proud you are of their accomplishments.

And honestly, don’t wait until you’re deep into battle to do this - try and find small ways to remind them you love them in everyday life. A note in their lunchbox. A fog message on the shower door. Remind them that you’re there. No matter what.

And when you do, you’d be surprised how quickly they may be able to get on board - maybe not with  your original strategy- but likely with a joint strategy they help devise to work through their issues. And they’ll know, deep down, that all you really want is to love them.