Relevance

I sometimes wonder if I’m alone in wondering how relevant I am in life. It’s something people are too afraid to admit most of the time but likely no less true. We are all trying to find a place in this vast universe where we mean something to someone. Where we leave a mark and have something to be remembered by. Have you ever thought about how relevant you are in your own life, in your own family, with your own kids? I think most parents get to a point where they ask themselves these questions. Are your kids growing up and becoming less dependent? There’s probably a part of you that’s relieved (you can finally venture to the bathroom alone!) and a part of you that’s struggling with the distance. I think this grows stronger the older kids get.

Yes, there are definitely people who count down the days to the college move out or the camp send off - but I would venture to guess everyone, to some degree or another, struggles with these feelings at some point. The question really is, are we relevant? And what exactly determines our relevance? Is it physical dependence? Financial? Emotional?

In my humble opinion, I think the real key here for long term relevance is emotional connection. Kids (and most people in our lives at any point) will eventually outgrow most of their dependence on us. If they don’t outgrow it, if you don’t let them spread their wings and learn to fly, you’re actually doing them a disservice. They should be trained to be competent and confident. They should be taught the skills to go out on their own and function in society and be productive members of our world community. But with all of their capabilities, if we foster an emotional connection they will still want and enjoy that bond.

The biggest question is how to best foster an emotional connection with our children. Figuring out how to physically care for them is a huge challenge but also something intuitive. We hear their cries as babies and learn to decipher them - feed me, change me, hold me. We learn, albeit with a steep learning curve at times, how to guide ourselves and our families through these stages. Financial dependence also comes along the same type of route. As the family grows and the needs grow, we attempt to adjust our financial concept and support the life we have created. But building emotional connections is a whole different world. As kids grow they naturally distance themselves as they explore friends, social circles, and all manner of environments. Naturally they pull away and stop sharing (for those who shared to start) and we are often left feeling like there’s no way to connect. Discussions turn more into interrogation sessions in their opinion. We find ourselves interacting mostly over what can and can’t be done rather than about life, feelings, and experiences.

So what can we do to maintain that connection?

 First, don’t wait for them to start the conversations. Talk. Talk. Talk. It doesn’t need to be about something big or important, just keep the conversation flowing. Use opportunities that present themselves - the dinner table, the car ride home from school, anywhere you can get their attention or even part of it - make it a chance to talk. Like most things in life, practicing builds a skill. Practice the conversation skill and usually eventually they’ll start to respond.

Second, focus on what interests them, not just you. It’s unlikely they want to hear about the latest screw up in your office or an article you read in the business times. They probably do want to discuss something they’re interested in. Lately I’ve watched my teenagers sitting and engaging with one of my husbands best friends and I observed that it’s because he still has the spark in him of a teenager - he can get excited about sports, their crazy stories, he can talk the talk and walk the walk. I’m trying to learn from that and find stuff they’re focused on and learn about it. I may hate sports but if my 15 year old wants to discuss the fantasy draft I’ll be a ready study. Figure out a book they’re reading with their friends and read it too. Watch the TV series they’re into so you can catch up on the latest with them. It may not be your passions but you’ll be amazed how fast they become big talkers. I think the more they see you as interested in their life the more you build the emotional connection.

Third, spend time even when it doesn’t involve conversation. Exercise together. Train for a run with them. Quiz them for their exam. Doodle next to them as they work. Sit quietly and read next to them on the couch. Have them sit at the kitchen counter doing their homework as you cook. Don’t fall into the trap of having them come home, retreat to their room and only emerge for food.  Make your house a space where they can live and relax and bring their people in. Try and create a space to be together. It’s amazing how even subconsciously we can build connections this way.

Let’s face it, the more you feel needed and wanted by someone the more relevant you feel in life. We all need validation- some people can admit that and others have a harder time saying it aloud. But when it comes to our kids, there’s a deep and real need to keep that relevance without letting it stifle their growth and development. I truly think with the conversations flowing and shared space and experience, you’ll find the kids coming more and more with the real things they need to talk about and the small details that make up our lives because they’re already accustomed to having conversations, of all types, with you.