Life doesn’t always hand us a bag of peaches, much as we would like it to, so the big question I'm grappling with in this post is how can we best teach our kids the coping and survival skills to make the best of the rough situations they’ll inevitably face in life. This is something I’ve thought about quite a lot lately as I’ve been dealing with a variety of situations which have been far less than ideal.
To start with - yet again - I think it’s important to analyze ourselves a bit. How do we react to adverse situations? Do we take a positive attitude looking for a silver lining or do we spend a lot of time dwelling on the hard parts of the situation? Do we look to blame or just accept things for what they are? We could pick apart our own reactions and find ways we can model good approaches towards issues to begin with. Ideally we should work on our own reactions to adverse situations and try our best to find the positive in the adversity and focus on those. Beyond modeling the behavior, though, there’s a lot we can do to help give them the tools to deal with adversity.
I like to try a method I think of as the Rule of 3. Simply, you try to find the three most important factors to dealing with any item that arises. If you can find and apply a rule of three, you can attempt to approach any situation more positively.
I'll use a running example for the rule of three since it may help frame the idea - here are three things to focus on to help succeed in your run -
1. Don't go at it alone - find great partners to keep you motivated
2. Believe you can do it - usually just believing in yourself can get you farther than you could imagine
3. Keep at it - even when you don't think you have it in you - take one more step and that usually leads to another
How can we use this to help teach our kids resilience? Work with them to find 3 things in any given situation that can be their "rules" to approach the situation. Personally I think #1 on the running example is actually #1 of any approach you can take with them. The worst thing a person can feel in dealing with any situation is that they are alone. Stress the support system to your children. Discuss it when you are approaching your own adversity and remind them about it with every adverse situation they feel. Loneliness is the fuel for all things negative - the more a person thinks they are alone with their struggle, the harder it is to face that struggle. Stress to your child in any situation that they have backup - always! Of course they have you, the parent, but they're not always going to want you as their support system - so make sure they create other supports. Other adults who they can talk to (grandparents, mentors, family friends) and of course, their own friends.
Then go on to help them create another one to two "rules" to help them frame their situation. If they can apply these rules to their situation they can give themselves the tools to approach the situation better.
Let's take an example. A child is struggling in school with a bully. No matter what they do they can't seem to shake this child and their behavior. Day after day they are coming home and discussing the different antics this child is pulling on them. You've tried to help them self-advocate (and of course you're dealing with the situation from an adult level) - but instead of them coming day after day and feeling like a victim - you can help empower them. Enter the Rule of 3.
Here is a sample rule of 3 you may help them create.
Rule 1 - You're NOT Alone. Help them find solutions to how they can make sure not to face the problem alone. They can talk to the teacher/school counselor/principal etc. They can make sure they have a buddy during unsupervised times to help keep the bully and his/her behaviors away.
Rule 2 - Get Perspective! Think what may be going on in the bully's life that is making them behave this way. Does he/she have problems at home? Is he/she lonely? Does he/she have issues that no one is catching and that's why they're behaving this way? Sometimes just understanding the perspective of the other party in the issue can be extremely helpful in allowing them to find a solution to the situation, if there is one. Perspective can also allow them to assess how lucky they are not to have those things in their life.
Rule 3 - Refocus! There are far too many times where something arises in a child's life and everything starts to revolve around that. Help them refocus so they can stop giving their emotional energy to the situation and can instead channel their energy to more positive situations in their life.
Aside from their Rules - I believe it is important to stress to them that blaming anyone or anything during adversity does not solve anything. So often we quickly jump to assign blame for something that is happening in life - to us or around us - but that blame doesn't do anything to help resolve the situation. It is important to avoid the blame game as it diverts energy from resolutions. Most of the time it is not important who caused something - it is important to focus on solutions and resolutions. In cases where a behavior is recurrent and you notice an obvious catalyst, of course it is important to identify that - but the blame game rarely actually identifies these, it is more of a finger pointing exercise
Like most things, modeling and working through situations will help our kids build this skill set for themselves. As each situation arises, or as chronic issues continue to resurface - try the Rule of 3 method and hopefully you'll watch as they begin to create and apply their own rules to situations that arise.
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