There are many different manifestations of sibling rivalry and to attempt to approach the entire topic in one post would be, honestly, prideful. Instead we will choose one aspect of it at a time and analyze that. Today, at a readers request, I’ll deal with one way to approach sibling mockery. By the way I do think that it’s similar when you deal with sibling mockery versus friend mockery but sometimes children have a tendency to uniquely torture their own siblings in a way they would never do to a friend. Either way I hope this discussion will help you reduce the issue in your own house.
Like so many other things,, I think it is important to first deal with the why before you deal with the how. In general in life I think that so many issues stem from not understanding the cause and once you identify it is so much easier to find solutions. Let’s be real - even once we understand the causes that won’t make sibling rivalry (in any form) end - but it will help shape our approach. Any time a person belittles another person I believe it mostly stems from the way they feel about themselves. People with low self esteem tend to thrive on finding reasons other people are inadequate and focusing on that instead of doing the hard work of building themselves up and being real with themselves about how they feel. It is SO hard to admit this to ourselves but it is also SO true. Usually a child who belittles another child - especially a sibling - is jealous of how comfortable that person Is with themselves and how they don’t seem to care as much about how others view them. They’re doing the classic make them feel small so I can feel big technique. Some of it does get fixed with maturity but that is far too long for most of us to wait. Also this lack of self esteem usually comes out in more ways than just this one. Helping kids build their self esteem - identifying what causes them to think poorly of themselves, working on how we are approaching their successes and failures, and loads of other things (which we will definitely address in a separate post) will definitely be key to helping the self esteem issues your child may be facing. But lest you think that you need that completely fixed to address the mockery issue - you don’t. Simply identifying the cause can help you find solutions.
Poor self esteem isn’t the only driving factor in sibling mockery (or mockery in general) but I tend to see it as the greatest issue. I think it also pays to look at we approach situations - make sure there isn’t an underlying issue going on in the house where people belittle others. Sometimes you aren’t aware of your own patterns until you see them playing out in your children. This is a hard pill to swallow but a true one. Oftentimes what began as a high school habit of mocking each other because we thought it was “groovy” turned into a mode of behavior for us. I’m sure by the time anyone reads this they’re at least slightly past high school and it’s time to eradicate the traces of those behaviors in ourselves in order to promote an atmosphere of kindness in our houses. Yes, I’m aware that sounds like preaching but there are times we just all need to hear the truth.
I’m sure there are other reasons you may discover That are unique to your children about why they are doing what they’re doing and I think it’s good and healthy to explore these when planning an approach to fixing the issue.
On to some techniques that may help reduce the mockery among siblings.
Before the do’s I will stress one very big don’t. Don’t mock your child to make them “know how it feels” - mockery is painful and they won’t get it they’ll just get hurt.
It goes without saying that a good sit down with your child once you’ve thought through the roots of the issue is necessary and helpful. Identifying these behaviors at a calm, non confrontational moment is essential. Explain what you see, why you think it happens and how you can help them conquer this behavior.
Then on to some behavior modification. The first option here is counter intuitive but we’ve actually had some success with it. The worst thing to a child seeking acceptance is to feel that they’re not cool. A short and sweet conversation with the child perpetrating the mockery telling them how interesting it is that they’re “obsessed” with their younger sibling and are just dying to give them extra attention goes a long way. Reminding them each episode how obsessed and into their sibling they are can somehow go an even longer way. All they want is to somehow distance themselves from said sibling because they’re deemed “uncool” and here they keep being reminded how much they’re clearly into them. For some kids this trick goes a long way.
Second, either combined with the first or as a separate approach - incentivize positive behavior. Each time your mocking child praises or compliments their siblings - praise them. Loudly, often, repeatedly. The power of positive enforcement cannot be understated. Focus on the good behaviors more than the poor ones.
Third, set up a code word or phrase with your child where you can remind them when they’re getting into a certain behavioral mode (I use this often, no just for this particular behavior). It’s something only you and the child are aware of and it can sound like nothing to an observer but it’s a good way to subtly remind them to pull back and change gears before they’re too deep into the behavior. Oftentimes there’s a key point of no return and it’s important to learn to recognize that point for each child and try very hard to help them pull back before they reach it (we all kind of have that point ourselves we just usually naturally pull ourselves back over time before we cross that line).
Like with many parenting dilemmas, there is no magic potion or secret trick which will cure this behavior right away but often with consistency and a multi-pronged approach you can help your child mature out of this behavior faster and spare the other siblings much unnecessary grief.
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