Carving it Out

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me how important I feel it is to exercise.  Some might go so far as to say I’m a little crazy when it comes to the topic.  Aside from the practical piece of it - feeling that it is a key element of being on top of our physical well being - the mental health benefits are extremely rewarding.  We’ve discussed in a previous post about the Body aspects - modeling for our children the need to integrate healthy behaviors in our lives in order to make it part of their norm.  We’ve also discussed the ME TIME  aspect of it in a Previous post. Today I want to discuss a different key element. 

Before turning to the main point of my post, I want to put one disclaimer out here. The why not to do this. Don’t get me wrong, I think everyone should integrate some form of exercise into their lives. But I tire of people saying things to me about how they should really exercise for weight reasons. Exercising DOES help maintain a stable, healthy weight but it is not an Avenue to weight loss (if you ask me, a non professional, I may add).  It IS a good part of a healthy lifestyle but PART is the key word.  Exercise for the multiple benefits - but don’t see it as a magical diet fix.  The best way to lose weight, if weight loss is one of your health goals, is to make a full plan that includes healthy choices and exercise.  And if you’re struggling with weight related issues, there are many professionals (doctors, dieticians, etc) who can help you make a plan. 

Ok so back to the previous idea - to me, those benefits we discussed are some of the whys. What I want to talk about today is the HOW.

I think to figure out a way to make something work, we first need to understand what’s holding us back. I see three main barriers to making exercise part of life: TIME, SUPPORT & MONEY.

TIME - even before you became a parent, you were probably busy and overcommitted, it’s the norm in today’s culture.  Everyone is pursuing something at all times.  When my kids were little someone once told me that everyone can make the time for something (I can’t recall what it was they wanted my time for) and I disagreed - even things we care deeply about get shunted to the side when practical life takes a front seat. But I stand corrected because I have seen time and again that people find the time for essentials.  You make the time when you see it as essential.  If you see your physical and mental health as a priority and you see exercise as a key piece in that equation, you will find the time.

SUPPORT- this element takes on so many meanings in my mind. You can do things on your own but it’s always harder. Having a supportive partner makes a huge difference in your chance for success.  This could mean a partner in your exercise - a spouse or friend is ideal - but it could just as easily mean a supportive partner who makes sure you can get out the door.  I always find that having supportive community in my exercise enables me to not only have someone to exercise with but also someone to be accountable to and to push me farther or vice versa.  I’ve developed some of the best friends in my various running groups and they’ve truly become an incredible part of my life.  

MONEY- no matter if you’re in a crowd that discusses this or not - many people struggle with finding funds for extras.  And many people think they need to put out money in order to get going on a new exercise regime.  Be it for a gym membership, trainer, equipment or classes.  The truth is - you need nothing more than a pair of sneakers to start (and starter tip -  Ross sells cheap ones of older models).  It doesn’t matter what type of exercise you want to do eventually - just start with something and go from there.  You can walk or run - the important part is taking that first step.

Now that you’ve thought about what’s holding you back, you’re more likely to find solutions to make it possible. 

 If time is the issue, figure out what can be trimmed from your schedule here or there - don’t feel like you need an hour a day - start with something attainable like 3 times a week for half hour. Like anything new, introducing it in small doses is your surest way to stick with it.

Support - If your partner or kids don’t realize the need you have for some flexibility to fit this in - discuss it. Explain the benefits.  Have small kids and can’t leave? Take them along for the ride.  Talk to friends or other parents - see if you can find someone to partner up with. It is both someone to commiserate with while you’re overcoming the beginning challenges and someone to talk to and pass the time.  Sometimes, it’s actually the best support group you can ask for while raising children.  

Money - there are no shortage of streets, paths and beautiful places to explore while you fit this in - and they’re all free - double benefit! If outdoors doesn’t appeal - YouTube! There are tons of free videos with workouts from yoga & pilates, cardio, abs and everything in between.

So get out there and move - 

— carve out the time

— set up a support system before you begin 

—take the first step 

You’ll likely be a better parent and a more energetic person once those endorphins kick in.

Good luck, hope to see you on the trails!

Inch by Inch

Two interviews I heard this week made me want to write.  I've felt a lot lately that there's too much repetition in what I'm discussing - like parenting basically boils down to two main things:

1. Actions speak louder than words

2. Every kid is unique so there are no one size fits all solutions

And while its true that it kind of does boil down to those two basic ideas - its also true that there's a lot of nuance.  So I'm hoping the ability to discuss the different situations we face and the predicaments we find ourselves in helps us to channel those two things in the best way possible.

In one interview, a man was discussing his personal religious transformation and he said "it was less step by step and more inch by inch."  I loved this quote.  It crystalized a lot of how I see parenting.  So often we are mired in the details of everyday life, in the small battles and struggles, we fail to notice the micro changes going on around us.  Then one day, we wake up and we're dealing with an entirely different person.  All those tiny changes somehow add up and shape our kids into the people they are becoming.  When you're in the midst of a hard stage, it is really helpful to remember this.

It also reminded me that even when we don't noticeably see the effects of all the work we are putting into something, even something as small as an inch is a gain.  Human nature causes people to be their harshest judges, sometimes I think it is worth remembering that every inch we gain is an inch achieved. 

I heard Michelle Obama interviewing her mother about how she brought them up and  she said parenting was just natural - you did what seemed right.  Nowadays, she said, there's just too much talking and discussion and everyone telling you what to do but people aren't coming out any better.  I think some of what she said is true, we do talk too much.  Our kids aren't scared of us (which I think is a good thing) but sometimes they also lack a basic respect for their parents and adults.  It is generational.  But I still think the more we talk, the more we get things out in the open, the more we treat them like the cognitive, aware beings that they are, the better the chances of them being emotionally open and available and thoughtful as they get older.

So while I agree, there's no parenting technique which just works for every kid across the board, there are some basic ideas and concepts that, when applied, really do help us make the best, strategic decisions to help guide our children.

I feel somewhat like I'm rambling without a concrete to-do here, but its more of a thought provoking ramble than a call to action...

Can We Move On?

This past week was the holiday of Pesach/Passover.  We were lucky to have all our children home and together.  The difference between holidays with tons of guests and ones with mostly family-only meals is the level of focus on your own children.  The discussions revolve around them.  It is amazing, in my opinion.  And one of my daughters made a comment that really struck me - "What will people discuss when Corona ends?"  Of course there are always THOSE topics.  The public and private conversations ebb and flow with the news cycles.  But what it really made me think about is - are we giving our kids the right message with all this dwelling? Maybe now we have a real opportunity to help them learn how to move on.  Stop dwelling.  

Harvey Mackay said "Every morning brings new potential, but if you dwell on the misfortunes of the day before, you tend to overlook tremendous opportunities."

How many times have you sat around with friends and the discussion turned to the tuition crisis? We all know it exists. To date, no one has a solution. We keep sending our children back into the same school system and then complaining about the cost. Maybe it’s important to move on and accept we’re not changing it so let’s stop whining about it. 

Before we talk about the how of moving on, I want to stress that moving on and processing a painful or tragic experience is completely different from what I’m discussing.  Someone who experiences a tragedy and needs to move forward has to go through a totally different process of therapeutic healing.  If, for example, someone lost a family member or friend to Corona, the discussion would be completely different.  My focus here is on dwelling on the same issue over and over as a general idea.

So back to the how: Modeling this behavior is the key.  And it doesn't only apply to the pandemic and the endless Covid discussions.  Every argument should be dealt with and put to bed.  Bringing up the same mistakes, experiences, negative interactions over and over will not change them.  

Teach them this skill in 4 easy steps:

• Acknowledge the experience
• Dissect it when appropriate
• Take the best lessons we can from it
• AND THEN MOVE ON!

Failure to take the time to do any of the steps will result in being unable to move on from the experience.  If you've truly dealt with an experience/interaction - you can move forward.  I know how difficult this is because I suffer from the spiral - going back to old issues and digging them up over and over.  Believe me, it never helps.  It is a healthy mindset in every relationship to live in the present.  

So move on from all your discussions revolving around Corona, your kids will be grateful.  It isn't past, we are still going to have to deal with this as part of our reality - and it is a shifting ever-changing reality - but we all know the story and we don't benefit from dwelling on it.