My kids and I read the Cam Jansen series years ago - for those not familiar, she was a kid detective who had a photographic memory and all she needed to do to remember a scene would be to close her eyes and say “Click.”
There are times in my life I wish I had that ability.
Today my third child graduates high school (even as I write that, I can’t believe I’m old enough to have three post high school age children) - and there’s a part of me that just wants to be able to freeze this day, this memory, this feeling. There are so many times in life - especially milestone times - but even regular everyday times - that I want to do that. Sitting on the hammock chilling with the kids, enjoying the lively table discussions we have these days sans any company, watching them take their first step, seeing the way they grasp a new idea. These are the moments that make it worthwhile and yet they are so fleeting.
In the chaos of everyday life and getting by, in this crazy world that is in the midst of a pandemic, it’s hard to stop and take the time to appreciate these things. And yet we should. We need to, for our own benefit. We discussed creating the moments for them during this time where milestones are passing without the regular fanfare - but this piece is not about them. We need to focus - make a mental note, write a journal entry, mark the memory.
If we don’t make our own way to “Click”, it’ll be hard to remember it later.
When I was in labor with my youngest child, my oldest sister came along with me for the labor and delivery. It was the first time we had anyone with us in the delivery room and to be honest, one of my motivators was that I wanted her to force me to get an epidural since I knew my husband wouldn’t (and I HATE NEEDLES). She’s also great company and a wonderful calm. While we spent the day there, with what was actually a painless labor for the majority of the time, she wrote a letter to the baby. Recently, going through my file cabinet, I came across it and read it to my daughter (who is now 6) and it was wonderful. I wish I had one for each of the kids from their labors. It really strengthened in me this idea of marking the memory.
Most people recall the tough times easily. It’s hard to forget trauma. It’s hard to forget the struggles, the battles, the challenges we faced raising them. The good moments are easier to forget. They’re also easier to go unnoticed. Take the time to notice them. Make a point of writing them down. It’s something to turn to during the harder times. It’ll help you remember why you’re fighting so hard for them (or with them) to shape them into the amazing people they will become.
Everyone has unique ways of marking memories - scrapbooking, journals, photos - whatever way you can find to mark some of the unique moments in your life with your children - I urge you to do it. It doesn’t need to be grand or complex, a simple notebook to jot down cute things they say will do the job. You could blog about them for yourself :)
But take the time to do something so that when we’re older and it’s harder to conjure up the feelings from these special moments, you find ways to remember the good parts.
Sunday, May 31, 2020
Thursday, May 28, 2020
Less is More
This is one of those weeks where so many different things made me think of this I just had to write something about it.
We’re about to spend another holiday in Corona-ville Reality, where usually we would be with friends and possibly family and now we are still on immediate family only. For my family and a bunch of our friends there’s an extra little twinge this time as we normally go to the beach together to celebrate this one and personally I love the beach, it is my happy place. So I was thinking about facing this next holiday and realizing something that I have really learned from corona.
If I had to sum up the strongest lesson I have learned from this time it is that less is more.
Less is more when it comes to feeling like you have to please everyone and do everything all the time. Do what works. Say no when it makes sense.
Less is more when it comes to cooking huge meals for these holidays - a few good fan favorites make everyone happy. No need to go overboard all the time. (Note - if you like it, go for it, but if it adds stress don’t make yourself crazy).
Less is more when it comes to feeling the need to entertain constantly or have group activities all the time - your family is enough of a crowd to manage!
Less is more when lecturing your kids - they get it pretty fast and don’t want to hear more.
Less is more when it comes to critique - of yourself, your partner, your kids - everyone is trying their best.
Less is more when it comes to your reach in this world - you don’t need a thousand likes or readers or followers - if you touch one person, help ease their stress or make their day a bit better - you’ve changed the world in your way.
And as This holiday is starting in a few hours and I haven’t cooked yet - less writing is going to have to be more!
Happy Shavuos!
We’re about to spend another holiday in Corona-ville Reality, where usually we would be with friends and possibly family and now we are still on immediate family only. For my family and a bunch of our friends there’s an extra little twinge this time as we normally go to the beach together to celebrate this one and personally I love the beach, it is my happy place. So I was thinking about facing this next holiday and realizing something that I have really learned from corona.
If I had to sum up the strongest lesson I have learned from this time it is that less is more.
Less is more when it comes to feeling like you have to please everyone and do everything all the time. Do what works. Say no when it makes sense.
Less is more when it comes to cooking huge meals for these holidays - a few good fan favorites make everyone happy. No need to go overboard all the time. (Note - if you like it, go for it, but if it adds stress don’t make yourself crazy).
Less is more when it comes to feeling the need to entertain constantly or have group activities all the time - your family is enough of a crowd to manage!
Less is more when lecturing your kids - they get it pretty fast and don’t want to hear more.
Less is more when it comes to critique - of yourself, your partner, your kids - everyone is trying their best.
Less is more when it comes to your reach in this world - you don’t need a thousand likes or readers or followers - if you touch one person, help ease their stress or make their day a bit better - you’ve changed the world in your way.
And as This holiday is starting in a few hours and I haven’t cooked yet - less writing is going to have to be more!
Happy Shavuos!
Wednesday, May 20, 2020
Milestones
Milestones are a special and unique time for all of us where we can celebrate an achievement or a life changing event. They’re usually times that are a mix of excitement, anticipation and some anxiety. When it came to these events, pre corona, there were a lot of details to attend to and practicals to worry about. I thought it was worth discussing how we are all dealing with milestones in this unique time.
Things are very different now - most of the milestones your kids will experience this season will have a very different forum. Graduations will be virtual. Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are more likely to be caravans of people passing by outside your door then coming together to celebrate. The entire experience is different.
It is easy to focus on the have nots in these situations - everyone is talking about what they won't be having. But there is a lot of HAVEs in this as well, and it would do all of us a lot of good to think about them and focus on creating them.
No, you won't have typical, traditional milestones. We won't watch them walk across the stage and accept their diplomas. We won't see them get up in synagogue to lain/chant their portion of the Torah reading. And I think it is ok to let that disappointment be discussed and felt. And then move on. Dwelling on what we aren't doing during this time of global illness and chaos won't do much positive for anyone. Keep perspective.
Once you have accepted that this is going to be different - make it unique. Find ways to celebrate the child and the occasion which they would never otherwise have. Create a socially distant celebration. Enough with the Zooming...I think we're all over that...but there are so many ways to make their moment memorable.
How? Here are a few ideas I've seen around which might help get your creative juices flowing -
- Order them (or the family) custom shirts or other memorabilia and wear them around on the day of your celebration (or the week of it).
- Make them a surprise milestone box - your box can be full of quarantine joke items about their milestone (I am creating an adorable high school graduation box for my daughter) or it can be a treasure box type. For my wedding (and I believe my siblings had this as well) - my father gave my husband and I are treasure box filled with items he had collected throughout my childhood (notes we wrote, coins from places we visited, pictures from special moments, etc). To this day I have that box in my closet and I take it out when I really miss him.
- Decorate - your house has now become party central - make it feel like it. Hang banners, streamers, make posters - whatever you would have thought to do for them at their event - do it at home!
- Feast - no get together (or get alone...what do we call it these days) is complete without a feast! Get baking or cooking or grilling - make it feel like a special day.
- Find a way to include those people that mean the most to them. Whether this means getting everyone to make video clips and making them their own personal video, or getting people to drop by outside to congratulate them - find ways to make them feel like everyone remembers their moment
It also pays to discuss the milestone in a more serious way with them. Talk about what will change now (if the milestone comes with changes) and share how you felt when it was your time. The anticipation over the future is only worse now that they feel their future is kind of ruined by this global pandemic and they aren't sure what will happen next (if anything at all). My guess is that they probably feel more anxious than we do about when the world will reopen and if things will ever return to normal. Transitioning from one stage to another is scary enough without the uncertainty of the world being in flux.
I hope everyone can embrace these milestones and appreciate them in a different way than they ever expected. Personally, I have a feeling these milestones will be the most remembered ones in their lives in many ways. Not many people can turn to their grandchildren one day and say "I (fill in the blank) during a pandemic."
Congratulations on all the milestones you will witness with your children during this time - we will be virtually celebrating with you!
Thursday, May 14, 2020
Masks
Everywhere we go these days we’re surrounded by people in masks. Sometimes as I’m running through the park passing them I wonder who they are beneath those masks - I even write little storylines in my head of what they might be like by the way they smile or grimace as they pass me (eyes can show you a lot, and yes running solo can get boring I miss my running buddies a lot).
I wondered when I titled this post if people thought I was going to discuss Corona and the benefits of wearing masks or maybe the hierarchy (as my husband calls it) of the mask wearers versus the non mask wearers in the outdoor spaces. But I’m certainly not qualified to tell you when and where and how to apply these haphazard set of rules we’ve been given during this chaotic time. The masks brought to mind something which I think about often and decided was worth discussing.
Every one of us is constantly wearing many masks - juggling our various roles - parent, spouse, employee or employer, community member - you name it. It’s a common myth that women multitask better than men but studies show no one actually multitasks well - women just tend to take on more than men (sorry any males reading this, I read it in a science journal). Whatever the case is, my point is that we wear masks all the time - putting on whatever persona is needed to fill the role we are trying to fill at the given time. But all of this mask wearing around me makes me think of who I am beneath the mask?
When all the layers come off - when we have finished meeting every need of every person In our lives, who are we? Do any of us make the time to ask this question? There’s a pop song that asks “without you who am I?”
Sometimes I sit back and I try and figure out the answers - what are my own dreams? Goals? What is going on inside independent of everyone else. This is such a hard thing to focus on in the chaos of family life but no less important than everything else.
I’ve written before about making time for yourself but this is different than finding time to pamper yourself or carve out quiet space - this is taking the time to think deeply about who you are and what you want. It’s counterintuitive because we think that being in a relationship or being the parents means thinking about everyone else before ourselves- but if we lose who we are and our entire existence becomes wrapped up in our roles - we lose a piece of ourselves in that. And sometimes we wake up too that late in the game and end up feeling very empty. You don’t want to look in the mirror one day and wonder who that person staring back really is.
And if you don’t like what you see - or parts of what you see - it’s never too late to change that. We’re dynamic flexible learning creatures.
And I wonder if we ever truly take the time to unmask ourselves. Is there some space where we can be our raw selves, free of judgement, where we feel comfortable enough to take the mask off? Are we afraid to explore that piece, with all the successes and failures, pride and shame, completely raw for someone (or just ourselves) to see?
So...who are you without the mask?
I wondered when I titled this post if people thought I was going to discuss Corona and the benefits of wearing masks or maybe the hierarchy (as my husband calls it) of the mask wearers versus the non mask wearers in the outdoor spaces. But I’m certainly not qualified to tell you when and where and how to apply these haphazard set of rules we’ve been given during this chaotic time. The masks brought to mind something which I think about often and decided was worth discussing.
Every one of us is constantly wearing many masks - juggling our various roles - parent, spouse, employee or employer, community member - you name it. It’s a common myth that women multitask better than men but studies show no one actually multitasks well - women just tend to take on more than men (sorry any males reading this, I read it in a science journal). Whatever the case is, my point is that we wear masks all the time - putting on whatever persona is needed to fill the role we are trying to fill at the given time. But all of this mask wearing around me makes me think of who I am beneath the mask?
When all the layers come off - when we have finished meeting every need of every person In our lives, who are we? Do any of us make the time to ask this question? There’s a pop song that asks “without you who am I?”
Sometimes I sit back and I try and figure out the answers - what are my own dreams? Goals? What is going on inside independent of everyone else. This is such a hard thing to focus on in the chaos of family life but no less important than everything else.
I’ve written before about making time for yourself but this is different than finding time to pamper yourself or carve out quiet space - this is taking the time to think deeply about who you are and what you want. It’s counterintuitive because we think that being in a relationship or being the parents means thinking about everyone else before ourselves- but if we lose who we are and our entire existence becomes wrapped up in our roles - we lose a piece of ourselves in that. And sometimes we wake up too that late in the game and end up feeling very empty. You don’t want to look in the mirror one day and wonder who that person staring back really is.
And if you don’t like what you see - or parts of what you see - it’s never too late to change that. We’re dynamic flexible learning creatures.
And I wonder if we ever truly take the time to unmask ourselves. Is there some space where we can be our raw selves, free of judgement, where we feel comfortable enough to take the mask off? Are we afraid to explore that piece, with all the successes and failures, pride and shame, completely raw for someone (or just ourselves) to see?
So...who are you without the mask?
Tuesday, May 12, 2020
Denial
Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt...the saying goes.
Some problems are so clear and so easy for us to identify that the idea that our child can’t see them seems impossible. Others are harder to conceptualize and even harder to accept. One of the hardest things you’ll have to do as a parent is accept a hard truth about your child and address it. Even harder, you will have to find a way to guide your child through the stages of denial and forward to a path of acceptance and change.
Let’s walk through this with a scenario because it’s just easier than talking in concepts.
At home, child X is shined on or, alternatively, doesn’t seek much extra attention. Maybe he’s the youngest and was babied a bit but you saw no harm in that or maybe he was always self sufficient. He doesn’t need to share much due to his placement in the family and you haven’t pushed him passed his boundaries in any significant way in that area - or maybe it was the opposite. Or maybe you had a house with strict rules and he was in a place in the family where someone else always dominated over him.
Whatever the case, from your point of view, he seems like a good kid.
Now fast forward and you’re somewhere in early elementary, teachers are tiptoeing around in conferences about some behavior they’re seeing and talk they’re overhearing. Your son seems to be “dominating” in certain areas. Maybe you’re glad to hear he stands up for himself. Maybe it doesn’t occur to you they don’t know how to tell you he’s actually bullying other kids. Or Maybe they’re telling you directly and you’re writing them off in your head as over exaggerating. The conferences get a bit more direct over the years but before you know it you turn around and you have a middle school bully - full blown. By now, other parents are talking among themselves for years about your kid but no one knows quite how to tell you the facts.
Let’s face it - no one wants to hear or accept that their child is a bully. But face it we must!
So let’s take this apart a little.
First, it is not your fault that your child (fill in the blank here - “ is a bully” “ has a phobia” “ has an eating disorder” - any number of things can go here). Yes, there are always pieces of things you could have done differently but none of those guarantees that the outcome would not be what it is. Yes, everything we do has some affect on things but some things just are. Kids are humans with personalities and traits. We have to guide them and steer them and do our best to mold them but they are independent people. There’s no question some things could have (and maybe should have) been done different, but things are what they are and wishing the past could change won’t resolve anything other than making you feel guilty. So let go of the past and look at the present and future when dealing with a situation. That is the first and most important step in facing any issue.
Second, until you face whatever the truth of the issue is - your child cannot. It is difficult to accept that something real is happening with our child. Small things we all own up to on the daily (they don’t help, they leave huge messes, you name it) but big issues, real issues that go deep - personality flaws that have to be changed, learning issues that will affect them long term, addictions, mental health issues - these are hard to face and easy to ignore. If you’ve never experienced a significant issue with a child (yet, hopefully you won’t) it’s hard to imagine ignoring it - but it’s less of ignoring and more of a blindness. We all have a blindness to our children’s issues - it’s part of the way we love them so much (if they weren’t so cute when they were little we would probably eat our young like some animals do). But these blinders have to come off at times and we have to accept that there is an issue. Until we do, our child can’t face it.
The last piece of this process is helping our child accept their truth. This is by far the hardest. It requires a very individual approach. I can’t tell you how to make your child see it because each child is unique. Some need a very direct approach - they need to be sat down and told the truth of what is happening. Others need to be gently nudged around the edges until they can come forward with their truth (most of them know it, they just need the right conditions to be able to admit it). Whatever the approach is, there are a few ways to ease the blow. Make sure you don’t blame them for the issue - outline the facts but don’t make them feel like a bad guy. Stress your team approach - they’re not alone in facing this issue, you will help them and be there for them. And focus on the positive - they are a great person and this is one issue - this doesn’t define them. They are not a bully - they are acting in a certain way. They are strong and smart and kind and giving (keep the praises coming) and all those good things will help them overcome.
And have plan ideas ready for actual steps to take to help them once they have accepted their truth. But that is something for another (or maybe from a past) discussion.
No issue is too big to face, it’s the idea of facing it which is usually the hardest part.
Some problems are so clear and so easy for us to identify that the idea that our child can’t see them seems impossible. Others are harder to conceptualize and even harder to accept. One of the hardest things you’ll have to do as a parent is accept a hard truth about your child and address it. Even harder, you will have to find a way to guide your child through the stages of denial and forward to a path of acceptance and change.
Let’s walk through this with a scenario because it’s just easier than talking in concepts.
At home, child X is shined on or, alternatively, doesn’t seek much extra attention. Maybe he’s the youngest and was babied a bit but you saw no harm in that or maybe he was always self sufficient. He doesn’t need to share much due to his placement in the family and you haven’t pushed him passed his boundaries in any significant way in that area - or maybe it was the opposite. Or maybe you had a house with strict rules and he was in a place in the family where someone else always dominated over him.
Whatever the case, from your point of view, he seems like a good kid.
Now fast forward and you’re somewhere in early elementary, teachers are tiptoeing around in conferences about some behavior they’re seeing and talk they’re overhearing. Your son seems to be “dominating” in certain areas. Maybe you’re glad to hear he stands up for himself. Maybe it doesn’t occur to you they don’t know how to tell you he’s actually bullying other kids. Or Maybe they’re telling you directly and you’re writing them off in your head as over exaggerating. The conferences get a bit more direct over the years but before you know it you turn around and you have a middle school bully - full blown. By now, other parents are talking among themselves for years about your kid but no one knows quite how to tell you the facts.
Let’s face it - no one wants to hear or accept that their child is a bully. But face it we must!
So let’s take this apart a little.
First, it is not your fault that your child (fill in the blank here - “ is a bully” “ has a phobia” “ has an eating disorder” - any number of things can go here). Yes, there are always pieces of things you could have done differently but none of those guarantees that the outcome would not be what it is. Yes, everything we do has some affect on things but some things just are. Kids are humans with personalities and traits. We have to guide them and steer them and do our best to mold them but they are independent people. There’s no question some things could have (and maybe should have) been done different, but things are what they are and wishing the past could change won’t resolve anything other than making you feel guilty. So let go of the past and look at the present and future when dealing with a situation. That is the first and most important step in facing any issue.
Second, until you face whatever the truth of the issue is - your child cannot. It is difficult to accept that something real is happening with our child. Small things we all own up to on the daily (they don’t help, they leave huge messes, you name it) but big issues, real issues that go deep - personality flaws that have to be changed, learning issues that will affect them long term, addictions, mental health issues - these are hard to face and easy to ignore. If you’ve never experienced a significant issue with a child (yet, hopefully you won’t) it’s hard to imagine ignoring it - but it’s less of ignoring and more of a blindness. We all have a blindness to our children’s issues - it’s part of the way we love them so much (if they weren’t so cute when they were little we would probably eat our young like some animals do). But these blinders have to come off at times and we have to accept that there is an issue. Until we do, our child can’t face it.
The last piece of this process is helping our child accept their truth. This is by far the hardest. It requires a very individual approach. I can’t tell you how to make your child see it because each child is unique. Some need a very direct approach - they need to be sat down and told the truth of what is happening. Others need to be gently nudged around the edges until they can come forward with their truth (most of them know it, they just need the right conditions to be able to admit it). Whatever the approach is, there are a few ways to ease the blow. Make sure you don’t blame them for the issue - outline the facts but don’t make them feel like a bad guy. Stress your team approach - they’re not alone in facing this issue, you will help them and be there for them. And focus on the positive - they are a great person and this is one issue - this doesn’t define them. They are not a bully - they are acting in a certain way. They are strong and smart and kind and giving (keep the praises coming) and all those good things will help them overcome.
And have plan ideas ready for actual steps to take to help them once they have accepted their truth. But that is something for another (or maybe from a past) discussion.
No issue is too big to face, it’s the idea of facing it which is usually the hardest part.
Sunday, May 10, 2020
The Unsung Heroes
I have big ideas for things to discuss this week but I wanted to put out a quick Mother’s Day post - an ode to the unsung heroes:
For the days when you are noticed and all the days you’re not...
From day 1 something changed And your focus moved from within to without
The toddler tantrums turned into teenager rants and believe me it is all real
But you endure and you keep giving cuz that’s what moms do
Food that appears in the house when no one was in the mood to shop
Laundry loads that miraculously get done and put back in drawers
Dinner that happens no matter whether you were inspired to cook
But you endure and you keep giving cuz that’s what moms do
The epitome of a multitasker - no matter how many things you’re in the middle of, you’ll stop to help with the urgent need or question
There’s never been a finder like you - when things are desperate and they have “looked everywhere” - one glance from you and the item is found
But you endure and you keep giving cuz that’s what moms do
You are there for everyone and for their every need
Tolerate the messes for the sake of creativity
You Nurture ideas and foster kindness
And you endure and you keep giving cuz that’s what moms do
The moments where they come for a hug or to share a problem make it worth it
Depending on the age and stage, they may be rare but they make it worth it
You keep loving, keep learning, fine tune your methods ...
Cuz you’re a mom and that’s what moms do.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Wednesday, May 6, 2020
Thinking Ahead
Most of us are taking these days one at a time. The idea of planning right now seems both terrifying and counter productive. And yet we need to plan a little or we may find ourselves stuck in June with no idea of what to do with the kids for the summer. At this point, our world is in limbo in more ways than we can count. Summer camps may or may not open. I received a request this week from a reader asking for some Camp Mommy ideas for those of you who may now find yourself unexpectedly running one.
First, see this original Camp Mommy Post for some thoughts on summertime with the kids. That was from 2019, far before we knew what the word Corona meant and before Social Distancing was part of every child’s vocabulary. So I’m going to dedicate this post to updating Camp Mommy for quarantine life.
Before I begin, I still strongly feel that some type of daily schedule makes life more manageable - especially with younger kids. It doesn’t need to be a highly regimented routine but a basic sketch of the day makes things easier to manage and provides the kids who need some school-type structure with a framework for their day.
Posters with the daily “camp” schedule can help for kids who need that. It doesn’t need times on it (though they can’t hurt for kids that thrive on that) - and leave slots for “special activity” times where you can switch things up each day.
First, get online and make a big order from the art store. You’re going to need a supply of the basics - markers, crayons, poster board, sketch books, paint, glitter (if you dare). Pipe cleaners. Think about what a normal art room at school has and get enough. If you have a space in the basement or somewhere in the house that can be dedicated to keeping it organized and out of your way that’s ideal, if not try housing it in a few boxes in your laundry or utility room.
There is so much art to be done. Kids love to get messy and creative. If you can handle the mess, I would encourage you to integrate projects into at least two days a week. Everything in their world can be turned into art, from their names to your house to anything you can think of. We used to go to the zoo with sketch pads and draw the animals. Many of the big zoos in the world have online portals to watch the animals while they’re closed. Log onto one and let them draw what they see. Being confined to home doesn’t mean they can’t experience the world. They’ll just experience it differently.
Obviously, if things are still the way they are now, an actual trip day is a no go. So get creative. Once a week, create a virtual trip. You don’t need a computer or more screen time for the kids to do this (though it might help to let them take a Google Earth hop over to wherever the destination may be), but you can still create a place for a day.
Since distance is no longer relevant, pick great places.
Take them to Paris for a trip day. Create an Eiffel Tower. Bake French bread (for anyone who has never been to Paris, the fresh bread is ridiculous- and I’m not even a bread lover). Print out a famous painting from the Louvre and have them repaint it (yes, even small kids can participate, who doesn’t love painting??).
Travel to Istanbul and visit the bazaar - create your own indoor market and let them be the sellers and the buyers. They can create their own market stalls and sell their wares.
Visit the Rocky Mountains. Couch pillows can be stacked to create the hike of their dreams. Get HUGE rolls of paper and have them draw the scenery. Print out maps and show them how to plan a hiking or driving route. You get the idea. Be flexible about the mess (build in time to clean it up).
I’m not sure what the status of outdoor trips will be - but most neighborhoods have some sort of walking or hiking trails. Find them. Go at weird hours so you don’t have to worry about crowding paths (walking in our trails after 4 has become a social distancing nightmare). For the kids who are reluctant to walk, bring treats. I’m not usually one to push sugar but these times are extreme and a little extra treat never killed anyone.
We also don’t know what the pool story will be so plan for some at home water time. Most hoses can be hooked up to sprinklers. Think Slip n Slides. Kiddy pools can help with cooling down even for bigger kids. If you have a slide in your backyard, you can get a long enough hose and make it into a water slide. Your grass may be muddier this year than ever but again, we have to be flexible.
If possible, invest in something new for your yard. It doesn’t have to be a big purchase (unless you were in the market for a new playhouse or swing set) but even something smaller like a hammock can transform your yard. Wait to put it out until school is over - new items get the most traction the first few weeks of their existence.
Some kids love to play pretend and all you need to do is supply them with an idea and they’re off in their imaginations, others will need more prodding or more hands on to make it enjoyable. I think it’s key to let go of your orderly house and structure for this to be a successful endeavor. Don’t give up on having a clean house, I’m never the person who will tell you to look at my messy house and see the happy kids, but some level of flexibility will make it a much more enjoyable experience for everyone. And like I said in my original post, build in time for cleanup and regular life chores. Luckily during quarantine, shopping with the kids is not an option (silver lining) but there are still plenty of things in the house that need taking care of and the cooking and cleanup don’t do themselves.
For those of us who have to work while managing a house full of kids - well that might need to be the subject of a whole different post :)
As much or little as your kids may have some school structure now, there will be a void once school is done and the days are just open. If we do find ourselves still quarantined at that
Point, you’ll probably be glad you thought ahead a bit and were prepared with ideas and supplies to manage a summer with a very different format than you may have expected.
Good luck!!!!
First, see this original Camp Mommy Post for some thoughts on summertime with the kids. That was from 2019, far before we knew what the word Corona meant and before Social Distancing was part of every child’s vocabulary. So I’m going to dedicate this post to updating Camp Mommy for quarantine life.
Before I begin, I still strongly feel that some type of daily schedule makes life more manageable - especially with younger kids. It doesn’t need to be a highly regimented routine but a basic sketch of the day makes things easier to manage and provides the kids who need some school-type structure with a framework for their day.
Posters with the daily “camp” schedule can help for kids who need that. It doesn’t need times on it (though they can’t hurt for kids that thrive on that) - and leave slots for “special activity” times where you can switch things up each day.
First, get online and make a big order from the art store. You’re going to need a supply of the basics - markers, crayons, poster board, sketch books, paint, glitter (if you dare). Pipe cleaners. Think about what a normal art room at school has and get enough. If you have a space in the basement or somewhere in the house that can be dedicated to keeping it organized and out of your way that’s ideal, if not try housing it in a few boxes in your laundry or utility room.
There is so much art to be done. Kids love to get messy and creative. If you can handle the mess, I would encourage you to integrate projects into at least two days a week. Everything in their world can be turned into art, from their names to your house to anything you can think of. We used to go to the zoo with sketch pads and draw the animals. Many of the big zoos in the world have online portals to watch the animals while they’re closed. Log onto one and let them draw what they see. Being confined to home doesn’t mean they can’t experience the world. They’ll just experience it differently.
Obviously, if things are still the way they are now, an actual trip day is a no go. So get creative. Once a week, create a virtual trip. You don’t need a computer or more screen time for the kids to do this (though it might help to let them take a Google Earth hop over to wherever the destination may be), but you can still create a place for a day.
Since distance is no longer relevant, pick great places.
Take them to Paris for a trip day. Create an Eiffel Tower. Bake French bread (for anyone who has never been to Paris, the fresh bread is ridiculous- and I’m not even a bread lover). Print out a famous painting from the Louvre and have them repaint it (yes, even small kids can participate, who doesn’t love painting??).
Travel to Istanbul and visit the bazaar - create your own indoor market and let them be the sellers and the buyers. They can create their own market stalls and sell their wares.
Visit the Rocky Mountains. Couch pillows can be stacked to create the hike of their dreams. Get HUGE rolls of paper and have them draw the scenery. Print out maps and show them how to plan a hiking or driving route. You get the idea. Be flexible about the mess (build in time to clean it up).
I’m not sure what the status of outdoor trips will be - but most neighborhoods have some sort of walking or hiking trails. Find them. Go at weird hours so you don’t have to worry about crowding paths (walking in our trails after 4 has become a social distancing nightmare). For the kids who are reluctant to walk, bring treats. I’m not usually one to push sugar but these times are extreme and a little extra treat never killed anyone.
We also don’t know what the pool story will be so plan for some at home water time. Most hoses can be hooked up to sprinklers. Think Slip n Slides. Kiddy pools can help with cooling down even for bigger kids. If you have a slide in your backyard, you can get a long enough hose and make it into a water slide. Your grass may be muddier this year than ever but again, we have to be flexible.
If possible, invest in something new for your yard. It doesn’t have to be a big purchase (unless you were in the market for a new playhouse or swing set) but even something smaller like a hammock can transform your yard. Wait to put it out until school is over - new items get the most traction the first few weeks of their existence.
Some kids love to play pretend and all you need to do is supply them with an idea and they’re off in their imaginations, others will need more prodding or more hands on to make it enjoyable. I think it’s key to let go of your orderly house and structure for this to be a successful endeavor. Don’t give up on having a clean house, I’m never the person who will tell you to look at my messy house and see the happy kids, but some level of flexibility will make it a much more enjoyable experience for everyone. And like I said in my original post, build in time for cleanup and regular life chores. Luckily during quarantine, shopping with the kids is not an option (silver lining) but there are still plenty of things in the house that need taking care of and the cooking and cleanup don’t do themselves.
For those of us who have to work while managing a house full of kids - well that might need to be the subject of a whole different post :)
As much or little as your kids may have some school structure now, there will be a void once school is done and the days are just open. If we do find ourselves still quarantined at that
Point, you’ll probably be glad you thought ahead a bit and were prepared with ideas and supplies to manage a summer with a very different format than you may have expected.
Good luck!!!!
Sunday, May 3, 2020
In this Together?
First, I have to thank everyone for their positive feedback lately - it makes me feel so good knowing that we can support each other through these challenging times especially. Keep it coming! And please feel free to repost anywhere it might be helpful to other people!
Today’s post was inspired by a conversation this weekend with a friend who made a really good point. Everyone is discussing being home with their kids and how to manage it/make the most of it/keep our sanity with it etc. But there hasn’t been so much discussion around how the current reality impacts our relationship with our partner. There’s a whole new dynamic playing out in every household and most of us are too busy getting through the days and weeks to stop and examine what is happening and figure out how to best do this together with our partners.
To start off - it doesn’t matter if you’re both working, neither working, or one parent is working and the other is not - we are all still stuck home with our family 24/7 and everyone needs some off time. The “old” ideas of one parent being in charge of parenting duties while the other takes care of supporting the family just doesn’t apply. Even if that was your modus operandi before this began, it’s gotta change. Being aware of the added stress that this situation introduces into our houses and finding supportive ways to help each other through it will leave us all a lot more sane. If your partner isn’t available during the working hours because their type of work doesn’t have the flexibility of “background noise” and you’re managing the kids and their online school (and possibly your own work) - make sure to be clear about what you need help with “after hours” - making dinner alone or passing on the cooking so you get some time to decompress, time outdoors - whatever it is, be honest. Need them to manage laundry or cleanup since you’re on all day with the kids? Be creative. If met with resistance since what you’re asking isn’t in their normal repertoire- turn the idea back at them - how can you help in a way that’s manageable for you but leaves less on my plate?
Communication, a necessity at any point in a relationship, has taken on a whole new level of meaning these days. No one can read your mind, even if you’ve been with them for what seems like forever. Be open and vocal about what you need to be supported during this and listen when they do the same. At least half of the fights and disagreements you are having with your partner could have been avoided (I’m guessing) by being up front and clear with them about your needs. It’s ok to say “it’s been raining for three days and I’m feeling down - I need some alone time” - we don’t have to be strong and calm every day. We just need them to know when we’re not.
If you’re at the stage where there are kids old enough to stay home alone or babysit - get out alone. A walk serves as a perfect date these days - you’re away from kids (maybe even make discussing them off limits) and it will give you some time to take a break from being parents and just get to be adults.
If you’re not at that stage yet - make a stay at home date. Either put the kids to bed a little early one night or get creative with the kids who are almost old enough to help out but not quite and make some space for yourselves. It’s hard but possible. And definitely make times for you each to get out alone. If you can’t be together, at least be supporting each others needs to have some space and time.
One real key to managing during this chaos is honesty. It’s a hard thing to admit when we are overwhelmed but it is crucial. And catching it before it’s too late is key to avoiding a Mommy (or Daddy) Meltdown. We are all entitled to a couple - desperate times and all - but we’ll feel better if we support each other and avoid getting to that point.
It’s definitely a new frontier these days. There is no wrong or right way to manage. Like any other stressful situation- it can bring us closer together or tear us apart (an ICU nurse at Children’s gave me that speech many eons ago when we were stuck there under tremendous stress). But if we take the time to think through our partnership and discuss it, I believe we’ll come out stronger and with a new level of confidence in our relationships.
Today’s post was inspired by a conversation this weekend with a friend who made a really good point. Everyone is discussing being home with their kids and how to manage it/make the most of it/keep our sanity with it etc. But there hasn’t been so much discussion around how the current reality impacts our relationship with our partner. There’s a whole new dynamic playing out in every household and most of us are too busy getting through the days and weeks to stop and examine what is happening and figure out how to best do this together with our partners.
To start off - it doesn’t matter if you’re both working, neither working, or one parent is working and the other is not - we are all still stuck home with our family 24/7 and everyone needs some off time. The “old” ideas of one parent being in charge of parenting duties while the other takes care of supporting the family just doesn’t apply. Even if that was your modus operandi before this began, it’s gotta change. Being aware of the added stress that this situation introduces into our houses and finding supportive ways to help each other through it will leave us all a lot more sane. If your partner isn’t available during the working hours because their type of work doesn’t have the flexibility of “background noise” and you’re managing the kids and their online school (and possibly your own work) - make sure to be clear about what you need help with “after hours” - making dinner alone or passing on the cooking so you get some time to decompress, time outdoors - whatever it is, be honest. Need them to manage laundry or cleanup since you’re on all day with the kids? Be creative. If met with resistance since what you’re asking isn’t in their normal repertoire- turn the idea back at them - how can you help in a way that’s manageable for you but leaves less on my plate?
Communication, a necessity at any point in a relationship, has taken on a whole new level of meaning these days. No one can read your mind, even if you’ve been with them for what seems like forever. Be open and vocal about what you need to be supported during this and listen when they do the same. At least half of the fights and disagreements you are having with your partner could have been avoided (I’m guessing) by being up front and clear with them about your needs. It’s ok to say “it’s been raining for three days and I’m feeling down - I need some alone time” - we don’t have to be strong and calm every day. We just need them to know when we’re not.
If you’re at the stage where there are kids old enough to stay home alone or babysit - get out alone. A walk serves as a perfect date these days - you’re away from kids (maybe even make discussing them off limits) and it will give you some time to take a break from being parents and just get to be adults.
If you’re not at that stage yet - make a stay at home date. Either put the kids to bed a little early one night or get creative with the kids who are almost old enough to help out but not quite and make some space for yourselves. It’s hard but possible. And definitely make times for you each to get out alone. If you can’t be together, at least be supporting each others needs to have some space and time.
One real key to managing during this chaos is honesty. It’s a hard thing to admit when we are overwhelmed but it is crucial. And catching it before it’s too late is key to avoiding a Mommy (or Daddy) Meltdown. We are all entitled to a couple - desperate times and all - but we’ll feel better if we support each other and avoid getting to that point.
It’s definitely a new frontier these days. There is no wrong or right way to manage. Like any other stressful situation- it can bring us closer together or tear us apart (an ICU nurse at Children’s gave me that speech many eons ago when we were stuck there under tremendous stress). But if we take the time to think through our partnership and discuss it, I believe we’ll come out stronger and with a new level of confidence in our relationships.
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