Denial

Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt...the saying goes.

Some problems are so clear and so easy for us to identify that the idea that our child can’t see them seems impossible. Others are harder to conceptualize and even harder to accept. One of the hardest things you’ll have to do as a parent is accept a hard truth about your child and address it. Even harder, you will have to find a way to guide your child through the stages of denial and forward to a path of acceptance and change.

Let’s walk through this with a scenario because it’s just easier than talking in concepts.

At home, child X is shined on or, alternatively, doesn’t seek much extra attention. Maybe he’s the youngest and was babied a bit but you saw no harm in that or maybe he was always self sufficient. He doesn’t need to share much due to his placement in the family and you haven’t pushed him passed his boundaries in any significant way in that area - or maybe it was the opposite.  Or maybe you had a house with strict rules and he was in a place in the family where someone else always dominated over him.

Whatever the case, from your point of view, he seems like a good kid.

Now fast forward and you’re somewhere in early elementary, teachers are tiptoeing around in conferences about some behavior they’re seeing and talk they’re overhearing. Your son seems to be “dominating” in certain areas. Maybe you’re glad to hear he stands up for himself. Maybe it doesn’t occur to you they don’t know how to tell you he’s actually bullying other kids. Or Maybe they’re telling you directly and you’re writing them off in your head as over exaggerating. The conferences get a bit more direct over the years but before you know it you turn around and you have a middle school bully - full blown. By now, other parents are talking among themselves for years about your kid but no one knows quite how to tell you the facts.

Let’s face it - no one wants to hear or accept that their child is a bully. But face it we must!

So let’s take this apart a little.

First, it is not your fault that your child (fill in the blank here - “ is a bully” “ has a phobia” “ has an eating disorder” - any number of things can go here). Yes, there are always pieces of things you could have done differently but none of those guarantees that the outcome would not be what it is. Yes, everything we do has some affect on things but some things just are. Kids are humans with personalities and traits. We have to guide them and steer them and do our best to mold them but they are independent people. There’s no question some things could have (and maybe should have) been done different, but things are what they are and wishing the past could change won’t  resolve anything other than making you feel guilty. So let go of the past and look at the present and future when dealing with a situation. That is the first and most important step in facing any issue.

Second, until you face whatever the truth of the issue is - your child cannot. It is difficult to accept that something real is happening with our child. Small things we all own up to on the daily (they don’t help, they leave huge messes, you name it) but big issues, real issues that go deep - personality flaws that have to be changed, learning issues that will affect them long term, addictions, mental health issues - these are hard to face and easy to ignore. If you’ve never experienced a significant issue with a child (yet, hopefully you won’t) it’s hard to imagine ignoring it - but it’s less of ignoring and more of a blindness. We all have a blindness to our children’s issues - it’s part of the way we love them so much (if they weren’t so cute when they were little we would probably eat our young like some animals do). But these blinders have to come off at times and we have to accept that there is an issue. Until we do, our child can’t face it.

The last piece of this process is helping our child accept their truth. This is by far the hardest. It requires a very individual approach. I can’t tell you how to make your child see it because each child is unique. Some need a very direct approach - they need to be sat down and told the truth of what is happening. Others need to be gently nudged around the edges until they can come forward with their truth (most of them know it, they just need the right conditions to be able to admit it). Whatever the approach is, there are a few ways to ease the blow. Make sure you don’t blame them for the issue - outline the facts but don’t make them feel like a bad guy. Stress your team approach - they’re not alone in facing this issue, you will help them and be there for them. And focus on the positive - they are a great person and this is one issue - this doesn’t define them. They are not a bully - they are acting in a certain way. They are strong and smart and kind and giving (keep the praises coming) and all those good things will help them overcome.

And have plan ideas ready for actual steps to take to help them once they have accepted their truth. But that is something for another (or maybe from a past) discussion.

No issue is too big to face, it’s the idea of facing it which is usually the hardest part.