Some of my best ideas start from conversations we have during running. The people I run with are amazing and help me see the world through clearer glasses. This morning we had a fantastic conversation that centered on parenting, specifically kids who tend to corner themselves and just dig their heels deeper.
Many of us have been in some form of the same scenario - we, the parent, want our child to do something that seems extremely reasonable. For no reason we can discern, our child can’t or won’t comply in a reasonable manner. We get into a power struggle and usually things devolve from there. These scenes play out over and over - often with the same characters and different backdrops and circumstances.
There are so many approaches people use to deal with these situations and most people take a hard stance about whatever approach they choose. I think the key in this and so many parenting dilemmas is to realize two key factors:
1. There is rarely one size fits all when it comes to parenting. What works for one child may not work for another. Often, we need a blend of different methodologies in order to find the exact right concoction that will work for our child. And it won’t work every time despite how perfect it might be. Staying consistent with your approach despite each instances success or failure is vital to long term success.
2. Often what appears to be obstinance or disobedience or (fill in the blank behavior) is just our children’s way of trying to communicate distress over something in their lives. It’s rarely about the homework sheet, the shoes, the (fill in the blank). As parents/detectives - we need to figure out what is really going on beneath the surface that is causing our kids to act this way.
Once we realize these two keys - we move on to the third step: deescalation. No matter how correct or crazy what’s happening is - no one wins when you escalate the matter. Usually it turns into a snowball effect. Someone ends up in tears (let’s not pretend that isn’t us) and there is very little gain. The best thing to do is deescalate the situation. Add some humor if you can. Make a funny joke. Walk away if there’s no alternative. But don’t get into a tug of war with your child. It just frays the rope.
Hybrid parenting - as we termed it on this mornings run - is truly realizing that there are great elements from many parenting approaches and finding the one that works best for your child and integrating the best of whatever methods is key to success.
As always, good luck creating your model - I love to hear about your thoughts and process!
