Taking Risks

Today I have more of a question for my readers than any actual advice. Sometimes I truly wonder how to approach an issue and my own fears and experiences shape my perspective in ways that might not always help my own children. 

I realize that just realizing this is a step in figuring it out. Yet it is definitely not enough to know you have some issue, you still  have to find a way around it. 

Here is the quandary - how do we decide how to allow our children to take risks which may be safer than we think from our parental eyes while still keeping them safe? How do we not allow our own fears to become their fears?

There are simple ones which we just need to conquer - if you’re terrified of dogs and tend to get anxious and make your children anxious in their presence - you must find a way to stay calm so you don’t transfer your fear to them. Dogs are not a true risk. Most dogs, especially ones with owners on a leash, are very safe. Practice breathing or dealing with your fear before it gets too far into your children’s psyche. 

Other risks are much larger and have potentially dangerous outcomes. I myself find that when my children go into the ocean, I’m worried about them going too deep and being pulled out. Of course, there are lifeguards and I am watching closely, but the ocean is quite a beast and it can be powerful. Add to this fear the fact that one of my kids required a lifeguard rescue when they were younger and you understand why it causes me anxiety. At the same time I love the ocean and the beach and want them to enjoy. And they go so far out - no joke. And I do not want them to be scared of it, just smart and cautious. 

So back to the question - how can I help them take calculated risks without sharing my fear with them?

Add to this the idea that I truly believe that when kids aren’t allowed to experiment, when we impose too many rules and restrictions, they tend to do riskier things. 

In our house we’ve never given the kids too many rules - no curfew, no specific guidelines to follow - just be safe and let us know where you are when. A lot of people have told me I’m naive and too trusting of my kids (both very probably true statements) and yet I’ve always wanted them to know I trust them so they feel they need to keep that trust. But I still worry I transfer my own risk adversity to them. 

Or, conversely, the fact that I’m more risk adverse will cause them to be risk takers. 

My husband has always been of the mind that we should let them take as much risk as possible in our presence so they can experience it with our guidance. He lets them taste the wine, go jet skiing or snowmobiling, do the more crazy stuff with them - to give them that sense of freedom but be able to guide them through it. 

Yet that still leaves me with the heart palpitations as they try each thing. 

So I end where I started - with the question of how to stay calm while they take their risks, have their experiences, and attempt not to have them go to either the fearful or fearless extreme in the process. 

I’d love comments and ideas!

Everybody Else

Have you ever had an incident with someone else’s child and wondered if you should tell the mom what happened? Overheard a carpool conversation which the kids clearly didn’t realize you were listening to and think - uh oh. Our mom radar tends to go on high alert and many of us wonder when the right time to butt in or say something - to the kids, the other parents - would be. 

This dilemma is one of the most challenging ones in some ways because we only know how we parent. We have no control over a large part of the situation. We have no idea about everyone else. We don’t know how they discipline. How they react. How personally they take criticism. How open they are to issues with their own children. 

If you’re reading this blog, you’re likely looking for support, ideas, ways to improve and enhance your parenting abilities. Not everyone feels the same. And even those who do can’t always hear it when it comes to their own children. The shoemakers children go barefoot syndrome... (just ask my teenagers, they question my parenting on the daily). 

So how do we approach issues with other kids and other parents? 

Many people want to go straight to the source - talk to the other mom, tell her the issue you’ve experienced or witnessed and let her run with it. After all it’s her kid and she’d want to know. 

WRONG 

This is one of those times where you can never assume. 

Let’s take a step back and asses the situation. For starters, you have no idea the bigger picture. Does this kid have issues? Are his or her parents aware of them? Do they already have their child getting professional help? Do they want to be reminded again of what they are likely struggling with at home? 

Since it’s likely you don’t have all the answers - it’s highly advisable to take a conservative approach. Going to the parents is more than likely a bad plan, at best not necessarily your place. 

So what can you do?

My first line of attack would usually be the school.  Whether you have a good relationship with the school counselor, the principal or the teacher - if this child is struggling it’s more than likely they know about it. Giving them information can help them help the parents get the child what they need. That approach also gives the parents the privacy they deserve to deal with their child’s issues. No, they are not responsible for their child’s issues, but many parents still feel somewhat embarrassed by what they’re going through. 

If the school approach is not an option, I would look for a close friend of the parents to consult privately. They may have advice about how to approach the parent in a way that will be effective. Or they may tell you it’s a no go and you have to take an altogether different route. 

What you definitely should avoid is directly confronting the child. They are not your child and it isn’t your place to discipline them. If they’ve passed early elementary, there’s no real way for you to politely tell them what to do. And it’s not your place. Their parents can choose how to discipline them.  

Unless the behavior is dangerous, which is an altogether different discussion, you can’t actually change the other child. You can talk to your own child and give them guidelines about how to approach the situation. If the child at issue is missing the skills needed to navigate within the group, perhaps you can ask your child to be more forgiving and inclusive to ease the way for them to fit in. If helping is not an option, steer your child in a different direction to avoid the problematic situation. 

So many of these problems resolve themselves over time but plenty need adult intervention. Even the best of intentions can land you in some sticky situations with other parents, so tread lightly when it comes to others peoples kids. I guess like all things in life, if we want to change the world we need to look in the mirror most. 

Understanding

So today I’m posing more questions than answers but I think it’s just time for a bit of food for thought. I think we’ve discussed corona and it’s effects for far too long. The world focus is shifting from virus to systematic racism and many of us are faced with the question of how to bring these issues to our children. If you are not among the people vastly affected by the problems in our system, it can be very hard to explain in a meaningful way what is happening and decide how to talk to your kids about it. I tell my kids all too often that their privilege is coming through when I hear them talking or commenting about the wrongs or rights of different situations. It is all too easy to judge, whether meaning to or not, or just to simply misunderstand.

Another very difficult conversation to have with kids is police brutality. On the one hand, I want my children to inherently trust the police. I want them to feel comfortable turning to them if they are ever lost or in trouble. But how do I explain to them that they don’t always do the right thing and there are problems in our system ?

I remember the first time I truly realized that an authority figure was human. I was in high school and a teacher acted extremely inappropriate in a situation with a student, even asking us not to share information with our parents. It was a very bitter pill to swallow. I had a very hard time accepting the fact that although this person was a teacher and supposed to be above these types of issues, they were also a human and, clearly, misguided. As the years passed the pills became easier to swallow and I understood that the world was not black and white. When an authority figure would do something painfully wrong or inappropriate, I had an easier time finding the nuance and not judging the whole by its parts.

When it comes to the issues that are headlines today - Systematic racism and police brutality - I have no magic answers. If you don’t live it and experience it I truly believe we cannot fully comprehend what it is to live it.

Like many issues we face, I believe it is important to break it down for kids. These are huge issues that won’t be understood or resolved in a conversation. But if we try our best to identify the issues, discuss them in smaller, age appropriate chunks, and find tangible ways to explain the parts, hopefully we can come closer to sympathy for the issues. We have to make sure, in so doing, that we look at the big picture of what is going on.

For children who are being brought up going to parochial schools where they are secluded, as most are in my community, I think it is very difficult to truly help them understand what life is like in other communities. My daughter recently showed us a video where all the kids were lined up for a race and  the ones who could answer yes to certain questions (I.e the ones with privilege) were able to get a head start (Watch the video here). I found this a tangible and powerful way to begin the conversation. In a lot of ways, so many of us live in a bubble and we don’t even realize it. Our kids, who know nothing different, certainly don’t. Modern day racism is harder to explain than it was when there were separate fountains but it is no less real and problematic. Help your kids understand it, identify it and figure out how to start becoming part of the solution not adding to the problem.

Police brutality is definitely a real problem. But there are many police officers who protect and serve. I would venture to say it is the majority. The problematic ones get the majority of the attention, but that doesn’t mean they are the majority. I encourage every parent to focus on that. I think the older kids can understand more when it comes to these problems. As a teenager, the world becomes more complex and you trust less. Teens are usually more ready for the discussion about problems in the system. They have seen and experienced miscarriages of justice. Though they might pale in comparison, they still have the ability to understand these problems in a deeper sense.  I think for younger kids this discussion can be similar to when we talk to our kids about strangers.  We want to strike a balance between trusting adults but not all adults and yet not making them paranoid about anyone who isn’t family.

I started by saying I have more questions than answers and I stand by that sentiment. I don’t know the best way to help our kids process current events and remain positive about the state of our world. But I do know that we need to start these conversations, be ready for some uncomfortable answers and comments and talk through things to help them begin the work of making this world a better place.

Think Again

Corona has made us all stop in our tracks.  Life just came to a grinding halt.  For some it’s been a pause button while for others a reset. There are a few things that struck me this past week which were worth discussing.

First, as I talked about earlier, my daughter graduated high school this week. As opposed to the typical graduation (where everyone feels obligated to come but typically most don’t find the experience uplifting or personal), this experience felt deeply personal and extremely exciting. The school clearly thought through this and tried to find a way to make this momentous even though it was atypical. Now, I realize that desperate times call for desperate measures and I’m not so far gone as to assume that this can be recreated in a typical “normal” time but it did make me stop and think. Is there some way we, as in the royal we (our principals, our schools, us parents) can rethink the way things were done and improve them? Can we learn from these experiences and use them to shape, change and improve the way we do things? Why stop at graduations? The world is our oyster and this time of craziness can have some silver lining. We could use this as an opportunity to re-examine the way we did certain things and make them better.

Perhaps we need to think of a few things we dread most in our communal/parental life (think dinners, graduations, school presentations in the middle of your workdays, speeches...whatever It is for you). Once identified, I wonder if you could think of a few options to change or tweak them which could make them enjoyable instead of obligatory. I don’t think these solutions will come fast or easily, but I think if enough people put their minds to it, some great ideas will come forth.

Before I make my second point - I acknowledge this is gonna sound harsh to some and you may vastly disagree.

So with that caveat, second, on a completely different note, I’ve been hearing people discussing this summer over and over. Most conversations go something like this:
“Such and such summer program just announced it cancelled”
“Another one?? It just keeps coming”
Now, while you have my sympathy that plans have once again been cancelled - I think it’s time to face the situation head on. Let’s look at the facts:
- it’s been months and this thing is still here and still real
- there is no quick fix
- even though we’ve been well behaved and following  the  rules, we don’t get a pass to start lessening the rules until we’re given the go ahead by our states
So, my main point here is - stop being so surprised! Make the expectation at this stage that things are closed indefinitely and make that plan A at this point. The constant disappointment is too much to deal with and won’t make it any easier on yourselves or your kids.

Silver lining that most people who are accustomed to sending their kids to camp may not like to hear - your kids are going to have an old fashioned To Kill A Mockingbird type summer (Think Jem and Scout and how they spent most of their time). They can bum around, discover the outdoors, bike ride, play in your sprinkler, and do all number of things they may not have done in a while. They’ll have plenty of time to explore and use their imaginations. There’s a lot of benefits to this. Not being programmed is not all bad.

Yes, for those of you who, like me, work during the day - it will take some teamwork, flexibility and patience (in heavy doses) - but I truly believe you’ll all end up better for it. Embrace the new norm.

It can definitely be like waking up in an alternate reality - but don’t those make the best stories sometimes?

So I guess it is up to each of us to decide - is this a pause or a reset?