Everybody Else

Have you ever had an incident with someone else’s child and wondered if you should tell the mom what happened? Overheard a carpool conversation which the kids clearly didn’t realize you were listening to and think - uh oh. Our mom radar tends to go on high alert and many of us wonder when the right time to butt in or say something - to the kids, the other parents - would be. 

This dilemma is one of the most challenging ones in some ways because we only know how we parent. We have no control over a large part of the situation. We have no idea about everyone else. We don’t know how they discipline. How they react. How personally they take criticism. How open they are to issues with their own children. 

If you’re reading this blog, you’re likely looking for support, ideas, ways to improve and enhance your parenting abilities. Not everyone feels the same. And even those who do can’t always hear it when it comes to their own children. The shoemakers children go barefoot syndrome... (just ask my teenagers, they question my parenting on the daily). 

So how do we approach issues with other kids and other parents? 

Many people want to go straight to the source - talk to the other mom, tell her the issue you’ve experienced or witnessed and let her run with it. After all it’s her kid and she’d want to know. 

WRONG 

This is one of those times where you can never assume. 

Let’s take a step back and asses the situation. For starters, you have no idea the bigger picture. Does this kid have issues? Are his or her parents aware of them? Do they already have their child getting professional help? Do they want to be reminded again of what they are likely struggling with at home? 

Since it’s likely you don’t have all the answers - it’s highly advisable to take a conservative approach. Going to the parents is more than likely a bad plan, at best not necessarily your place. 

So what can you do?

My first line of attack would usually be the school.  Whether you have a good relationship with the school counselor, the principal or the teacher - if this child is struggling it’s more than likely they know about it. Giving them information can help them help the parents get the child what they need. That approach also gives the parents the privacy they deserve to deal with their child’s issues. No, they are not responsible for their child’s issues, but many parents still feel somewhat embarrassed by what they’re going through. 

If the school approach is not an option, I would look for a close friend of the parents to consult privately. They may have advice about how to approach the parent in a way that will be effective. Or they may tell you it’s a no go and you have to take an altogether different route. 

What you definitely should avoid is directly confronting the child. They are not your child and it isn’t your place to discipline them. If they’ve passed early elementary, there’s no real way for you to politely tell them what to do. And it’s not your place. Their parents can choose how to discipline them.  

Unless the behavior is dangerous, which is an altogether different discussion, you can’t actually change the other child. You can talk to your own child and give them guidelines about how to approach the situation. If the child at issue is missing the skills needed to navigate within the group, perhaps you can ask your child to be more forgiving and inclusive to ease the way for them to fit in. If helping is not an option, steer your child in a different direction to avoid the problematic situation. 

So many of these problems resolve themselves over time but plenty need adult intervention. Even the best of intentions can land you in some sticky situations with other parents, so tread lightly when it comes to others peoples kids. I guess like all things in life, if we want to change the world we need to look in the mirror most.