Friends or foes?

In an ideal world, we are partners with our children’s educators and we work in concert. We consult them with our issues, share our concerns and in general have an overall feeling of satisfaction in our choices. I give a loud and clear shout out to all those types of educators- they are the building blocks of our children’s futures.

Unfortunately, We do not always live in an ideal world. 

When it works, count your lucky stars and all those blessings. Thank those educators for all their work as often as you can.

What worked for one child might not work for the next. And you can’t hopscotch schools every time things aren’t working. Moving your child is always a big deal. Sometimes it’s worth it, sometimes the negatives outweigh the gains. 

So what happens when you can’t find common ground with your educators or administrators? What if you have no choice of where your children should be or are not at a point where you feel it’s socially or educationally beneficial to change?

What I’m about to write will seem heretical to most educators, forgive me. We don’t all have choices when it comes to certain learning environments. We want what’s best for our children overall but we won’t always have all ideal options to choose from. 

I believe that once all partnership opportunities have been exhausted and you find yourself at odds with your child’s educators- you begin to work independently of them.  Your bottom line may not align with theirs.  You need to do what’s best for your child, despite what the school might think is best.  Schools and administrators should care about every child but there are times when their own agenda gets in the way of what’s best for your specific child.

If this happens when your children are young, I’d encourage you to find another educational option.  You have a long road ahead and you would do best not to spend it engaged in small warfare. If switching is not an option, or there are no other acceptable school choices, you need to be very careful how you approach your disagreements.  Being open about it with your young children will make it difficult for them to respect authority.  Keeping your disagreements between the adults will help your child have a feeling of belonging and order in their school life and experience.

But if your child is older and has little school left to go, is deep into their social circles, or maybe is in a post high school program - changing might not be an option. Your child, at this point, is likely aware of the issues. Perhaps they’ve been unfairly targeted at school, an educator has made something personal, or a host of other scenarios I can think of. More likely than not, they’ve brought the issues to your attention and you’ve attempted to remedy them to no avail. 

For this scenario, I’d advise respectful disagreement as an option. They are likely going to have many experiences in their lives where things do not work out ideally. They need to know how to stand up for their position, cope with adversity and avoid confrontation all at the same time. It is ok to disagree with your educational institutions- they are run by humans. If the educators cannot properly handle a situation - if they aren’t doing the teaching - make it a teachable moment!

Remind your dissenting child a few things:

Stay respectful- just because an adult in a position of power is wrong does not give them the right to be rude. 

Avoid argument - if they are not going to change the mind of the person they’re dealing with in how to manage the situation, avoid dealing with them. It will only escalate or frustrate them. 

Do not be manipulated  - like it or not, it’s easy for adults in positions of power to manipulate kids. Reinforce their self respect and teach them to trust their instincts.

Find your own solution- finding their own solutions to Problems, or workarounds in cases where there aren’t solutions - is extremely empowering.  Dwelling on what isn’t working is not going to solve their problems. Helping them find ways to work around the issue or deal with it head on themselves will give them life long skills.

We got your back - remind them they can always be honest with us, to come to us with anything, they won’t be judged. They must know that this adult in their life will ALWAYS have their best interest in mind. No matter the age or stage we will be there.

Always be aware of how your child is faring in any given sItuation. They may seem to be handling the situation but really need your intervention more than they’re willing to admit. And always keep a temperature on the situation as it might change or devolve rapidly. 

As always, good luck - we never want this option, but learning from the tough situations is often some of the best education we can give our kids.