Identifying Real Issues

I've had several discussions over the past year where a friend would tell me something that their child was displaying and a red flag went up in my mind - the type of 'I've seen that before and that isn't going to fix itself' type of flag.  When I mentioned to a friend recently that I think their child may be dealing with thing X and I've had experience with that issue, one of my own kids commented that not every kid who does Y has X issue just because that was my child's problem.  And I agree, sometimes we jump into situations and assume an issue exists when we may not have enough evidence or experience to 'diagnose' the issue.  But I think there are some things that come up with kids that leave us questioning whether this issue is a real issue or a phase that will pass, something that when they mature will resolve itself.  Is whatever the behavior at issue is annoying/hard to deal/driving us insane but clearly a stage they are going through or is this something we need to deal with head on/get professional help/do something about in order to intervene with whatever is going on.  And how are we, the parents, supposed to know which is which?

I think this is a complex issue to face as parents.  And I am going to admit, right off the bat, that there are going to be times when you miss and I would urge you, before we even begin this discussion, not to beat yourself up about those times.  We can't and won't be parents who know every bit of medical science and psychology to diagnose every issue we see in our children.  Sometimes the answers are blatant and clear - but not usually.  I myself have a daughter who had a brain tumor as a baby and when we look back to her diagnosis, there were so many red flags and even ones that we saw and brought her to doctors for and they misdiagnosed them as something else (when her eyes didn't look in one direction we took her to a top pediatric specialist and they said she had weak muscles without even taking any scans!).  Whatever issue you are facing, whenever you do catch it - I truly believe that is the right time for it to be caught.  But that doesn't mean we shouldn't be on alert for issues in our lives and try our best to catch what we can as fast as we can.

First things first, there are always going to be behaviors that our children have that set off flags in our minds.  Most of these behaviors are normal parts of child development.  I would say that most kids, as they approach the middle school years, go through an incredibly annoying phase where they can't figure out if they are little kids or big kids and they tend to needle the adults and bigger kids in their lives a lot at this time.  I don't believe these kids all have social issues that need to be approached - I think they're just in a naturally annoying phase.  In that phase, they don't necessarily pick up on every social que.  That doesn't mean they all need social skills training (though a bit of that in groups at school can prove very useful).  I believe that there are some signs that raise red flags and those are the things we should be looking at when trying to decide if intervention is needed.

There are several categories of red flag issues and I can't hope to cover them all in one post - but I'll start with broad strokes. 

Social Behavioral Issues -
When trying to determine if a behavior is not age appropriate, the first thing I do is to look at your child's peers.  Do they display similar behaviors? Is your child having a difficult time interacting with their peers? If your child is fine with their friends but only displaying this type of behavior at home or with siblings, that is actually a very healthy sign.  It may mean the behavior needs to be addressed at home, but it is a key to knowing your child is not struggling with a larger issue.  If the social interaction with their peers is suffering, then more than likely something bigger is going on.  If you have a good relationship with your pediatrician, they are usually a good first step to discussing troubling behaviors with.  Often they will have recommendations of where to start to get evaluations etc.

Cognitive/Educational Issues -
If the issue at hand is more cognitive or educational - the first thing to do is talk to your school.  Even if you aren't worried about a "big" issue, most teachers will have noticed a lot of whatever the behaviors you are concerned about.  Even if they haven't yet picked up on the issue, they are a good point of reference to figure out if this is something that just needs a little extra support or if your child has an educational issue that needs to be addressed.  Often people get frustrated because the school isn't responsive or has no idea how to identify the issues.  This is really a post in and of itself but as a brief point, more and more data is being collected about the learning issues that are not easily identifiable - things that fall much more into the executive functioning category.  If your child struggles in school but it doesn't seem to fit into the traditional Learning Disability categories and you've had them tested and been told they don't have an issue but you just know there is something that isn't right about how they are learning, just know there are other things out there that haven't even been identified yet.  Trust your gut and keep looking for answers.

Physical Issues -
This is going to be more on the way out there spectrum than some people like but if you see your child is suffering from ailments that can't necessarily be identified by regular medicine (frequent infections needing antibiotics, never ending viruses etc), I think it pays to explore how these things are all connected.  Sometimes the Doctors look at things through their medical lens and don't necessarily look at the body as a whole.  If you see the pieces adding up, it is likely something is being overlooked.  I wouldn't jump to the worst case scenarios to start - but again, trust your gut.  You are the parent and you have a certain amount of intuition which you shouldn't ignore.  Often, some food or environmental factors may be at play and once you figure it out, all the small things resolve themselves.  There are times when an osteopath may be worth consulting with if traditional MD's aren't helping you get the answers that you need. 

Emotional Issues (sometimes with physical parts) -
Here is one of the hardest things to figure out with kids.  An issue which is emotional has no predetermined guidelines to teach you what the "norm" really is and everything is by feel.  I find with my own kids that more often than not, they try and convince me that it is I who suffers from paranoia and they have no issue going on at all.  All I can say is, that usually hasn't been the case.  Kids who seem overly on edge and appear to be tense and short circuiting often are usually hiding some type of emotional issue they are facing.  These can range from tensions with friends that they can't seem to sort through to eating disorders and anything in between.  There are big and small issues but most of these need some sort of intervention.  At times, having the school counselor get involved is enough to kick start the process to figuring out how to deal with these.  Other times, outside help in the form of mental health professionals are needed.  Again, consulting with both your school and your pediatrician can be very useful in these situations.  Look at those professionals are your partners in helping you figure out how to best help your child.

I know this has painted some very broad strokes over issues which are complex - but we have to start the discussion somewhere.  Always remember these essential things:
1. You're the parent  and you should listen to your intuition - if something doesn't seem right, it is worth exploring
2. You have resources to help you - the doctor and the school are the first places to start - but family, professionals, etc are all there to help you figure out the right path to take
3. As long as you don't jump to conclusions or something extreme - a little exploration about a red flag never hurt anyone and more often than not helped lots of people.

You can never know what is truly a problem and what is just a phase, but using some of these points as a guide will hopefully help you begin the process of figuring that out.

Forgiveness

I think most parents have had some version of the following conversation- child did something wrong and parent says “say your sorry” and child does/doesn’t easily comply with the directive. If the child doesn’t, there’s usually some scuffle over getting them to comply, possibly some guilt (don’t you feel bad about what you did) etc. Sometimes I really wonder about this whole exchange. It is all so common to ask kids to apologize - but does apologizing for the sake of apologizing actually do anything ? Is the child feeling sorry if they’re told to apologize? What is the point of an apology that’s sought out? I honestly feel like this in many contexts - adult to adult does it make you feel better if someone wronged you and you have to ask for an apology or even have to point out to them what they did - do apologies really help or is there something more we, as people, need to move past some wrong that was done to us?

I guess to start with I’ll have to admit - I think saying sorry does help. There’s something to the act of having to admit to the person that we did something and we made a mistake. Maybe it’s slightly humbling. I’m not saying a child gets that completely to start with but it is definitely a good habit to build.

But I think there’s more to sorry than just words. I think it’s important to let mistakes become building blocks for kids. Conversation starters, if you will, where we can help our children discuss and dissect what happened and why. Did they fail to notice that their behavior was rude? Did they miss a chance to be kind? Did they possibly take advantage of someone else’s situation in an unfair way? Whatever the underlying cause of the mistake is, it’s best to help them identify it. Self reflection is such a crucial skill to build with kids. The younger you start the easier it is for them to be honest.

It’s important to keep a few key things in mind when having these conversations :
1. Don’t blame - it puts people on the defensive and is useless - discuss how something might make you or someone feel but not whose fault something is
2. Don’t use GUILT - guilt is not a feeling I think is useful for anyone and it is something that builds and gets carried around in life line an unwanted weight on your shoulders.
3. Be kind - when someone did something wrong, even a small child, they usually know it deep down. Don’t make them feel worse than they already do.

The best thing we can do for our kids is to help them build a picture of themselves as human - people who make mistakes but learn from and fix them. I think those apologies will serve them far better than a “say your sorry” directive.

New Year ... New Rules?

So a new year just began this week for those who observe the Jewish calendar and it got me thinking about New Years resolutions and changing things up. Mostly I have been thinking of how to find that reset button for bad patterns or habits we have allowed to fester in our house. And how, exactly, one goes about resetting the rules once kids are already into a routine?

Take, for example, our good old standby - electronics. Let’s assume you introduced electronics to your children without a solid framework for how to limit their access. Before you know it, your child is totally addicted to this awful device and your once interactive child is withdrawn and glued to their device every possible second. You’re sitting there trying to figure out how to restart - devise a thought out plan and approach to limiting their access. Every attempt you’ve made has fallen flat - they keep going back to the fact that you didn’t have that rule before so it’s not fair for you to change the rules in the midst of the game.

On the one hand, it’s true that change is hard and seems unfair to a child who was used to things being a certain way. On the other hand, we can’t all get it right the first time around. Sometimes change, while hard, is necessary.

Back to New Years resolutions- every year many people all around the globe take a step back and evaluate their lives. They try and pick some area they have performed to less than perfection and resolve to do things differently. Why can’t we do the same with our kids and our parenting? I say we can. And we should. Yes - change is hard. Mostly, we will suffer when we make a change more than anyone else - because we have to stick with it despite the resistance, the tantrums, the upset. But change is worthwhile. And, as the adults, we are in control. We must take that control and embrace it.

In order to effectively change anything in life - it’s important to remember 4 key things:
1. Focus - Rome wasn’t built in a day - it was built one structure at a time. Pick one thing to change and focus on that item alone.
2. Be consistent- if you’re all gung ho about your new rule but drop it within a week it’ll be hard for kids to take you seriously. Do whatever it takes to remind yourself to stick with the resolve
3. Don’t back down! Kids will resist changes, especially ones they deem to be “unfair” - don’t worry about what they think, it’s not a popularity contest. Remember you’re doing what you know is best for them!
4. Partner! Whoever your coparent May be - get them onboard so you have a uniform approach. Kids will look for every crack in the armor!

Going back to our example, resetting the rules for electronics is a hard process. Clear rules have to be established, usually devices have to be physically removed (possibly by force) for times when they are not to be used. Children, especially teens, will likely rage when these rules are put into place. But the good news is that if you stick to the rules and follow through, change is possible. And with those changes will usually come growth.  At my house, we’re going through this process now and I’m going to do my best to reread this daily until the storm passes and our new course is forged!

How Can We Teach Real Internet (and basic) Safety?

For those of you who follow the media, this past week had yet another case of an educator who sadly had problems with child pornography and apparently may have even used his students to fuel his erroneous behavior. These stories break our hearts and fill them with dread. In a world where so much happens virtually, when meeting face to face is becoming more rare by the day, how can we protect our kids from people who may do terrible things to them?  This is a question I really grapple with. Most of us take the approach that we must allow our kids some amount of access to the digital world - for the majority of kids if you don’t expose them to it they will find ways to get to it without you - so how can we at the same time protect them and expose them to these possibilities? In a discussion this past weekend, someone mentioned to me that often these predators pose as teenagers and “it’s just the way things are that kids think it’s normal to send pictures to each other.”  It really got me to thinking about what, if anything, we can teach the kids to protect themselves and respect themselves.  In my opinion, those are two distinct items and both need to be addressed to have this conversation.

Let's start with some practical safety.  Kids need to learn both internet safety and general rules of dealing with adults. 

To begin with, internet safety is something that has become a part of many school curricula.  The school that my children attend has a curriculum called digital citizenship which I’ve been impressed with - they start at a young age and really try and help the kids understand the power and dangers of the internet and how to avoid them.  If your child's school doesn't have something like this in place, I'd highly recommend petitioning for it.  I've noticed a distinct change in my younger kids approach to an online presence from this program.  I think its essential they start early, before most kids even have their own devices, since these behaviors are far easier to mold then to change once they've already started their online habits and social media presence they present to the world.  It is never too late, of course, to create good boundaries and habits.  As far as home is concerned, I think it is essential for kids to share all passwords with their parents, so you have the ability to log in at any time and check what has been happening.  This shouldn't be solely at times you are worried, make a habit of checking in regularly.  I discussed some of the technology issues we face with kids in a previous post on technology  so I don't want to get too detailed on that front, just to remind parents that there is a huge world out there and your kids will, if left unchecked, most likely have a lot of exposure you don't necessarily want if you aren't on top of it. 

As for general safety with adults, a wise pediatrician once counseled parents to teach their kids a basic rule - no adult will ever need your help with a private part of their body.  If they ever ask you to help them with a private part, immediately leave and get your parent.  If you can't, then tell your parents right away once you are out of the situation.  This is something I hadn't previously thought about - a good approach to teach your kids how to protect themselves.  I had always approached this from the angle of the child, if you ever need help with something on your own body - you can ask a parent or Doctor to help, but never another adult.  And if an adult tells you they need to help you, say no and tell a parent.  I think both angles are essential.

Once we have established these basic safety guidelines for the kids - I think we have a completely separate issue to address to try and protect kids from predators and anyone else who may take advantage of their naivete.  When I talk to my kids about romantic relationships, I try to approach it from a perspective of respect.  People who care about each other must respect each other.  I know it is difficult for many people to have these conversations, but it is important.  I explain that when you love someone enough to want to share your physical self with them, it needs to come from a place of deep respect because no one who cares about you should ever put you in a position where you are merely a physical object to them.  And I am honest that once you introduce this aspect into your relationship, things change.  It is so important for them to understand that a relationship must be able to stand on its own feet before you add a physical element to it.  Regardless of your religious beliefs, whether you feel marriage is the first time there can be intimacy or if you feel it is appropriate to introduce at another stage in a relationship, I think everyone will agree that respect and love come first, intimacy second.  If we can help our children to truly understand and value themselves this way, I don't think they'd easily share indecent photos of themselves over the internet with anyone.  I am in no way blaming any child that fell prey to this, I am only trying to help others realize that even if the person on the other end of that line is another teen or someone they even want to eventually get to a physical point with, that is not the respectful way anyone who values them would get to that point. 

There is no simple way to protect our children from the myriad of issues which can come at them from the world as it is, it is complicated and there are so truly disturbed people out there who will find ways to take advantage of them - but we can try our best to build as many walls for them as possible and pray each day that no one finds a way to breach them.

Coparenting

Before I start, wanted to say sorry I missed last week - I got the unique opportunity to get away from everything for a few days and I soaked in the sun and sand and atmosphere and didn’t log onto a computer aside from checking work emails a few times. Always nice to get that break and I am truly grateful. It did, however, give me time to think about a topic I’ve wanted to discuss for a while - how to coparent. This kind of seems like an easy question - we decide to partner with someone for life and start a family with them - of course we should easily be able to coparent with them. It does seem logical but I don’t believe that it is at all. Let’s be real - how many of us even discussed how we’d parent before we had our kids? Maybe some people had big ideas about the type of parent they would be - but specifics of day to day? I can’t count the number of times one parent tells me that their spouse disciplines their kids a certain way and it drives them crazy - one parent believes they need to yell to prove a point to a child and the other is against yelling ever. One parent believes in the need to let the baby cry to sleep and the other can’t handle it. There are so many examples of this I could likely list a page worth but you get my drift - it’s challenging to coparent and strategize together about how to approach our kids and yet we must. So what’s the best way to approach this crucial piece of our daily lives to create a unified and consistent approach for our kids that we can both agree on and be comfortable with?

Like most things in life - there is no magic button answer. But there are things we can discuss and think about which will help us plan our approach. The first and most important step in my opinion is to start the discussion. I’ve noticed that all too often in life and especially in relationships, people shy away from talking about topics that are difficult or cause conflict. Yes, it is hard to talk about things that you know you disagree about - but you need to. There’s no real good way to say that part of it. Life isn’t all butterflies and rainbows and we’re gonna have hard topics and situations but remember you’re in it together.

Second, I strongly advise not to approach it in the moment and definitely not in front of the kids in the moment. Your kids shouldn’t see you challenging the authority of your partner. I must admit this to be my weakest spot in life - when I see it I say it - and I have to work so hard to bite my tongue and remember after the fact to address an approach I didn’t like. In your children’s mind, you should be united and on the same side. It is so easy for kids to try to play parents against each other - especially as they get older and want to manipulate situations - so don’t give them the chance. But also, like so many things, approaching it in the moment makes people defensive and in a state of defensiveness you aren’t open to much. If your partner is struggling with a child’s rude behavior or lack of responsiveness to authority and, for example, they raise their voice to the child (something you can’t stand) - the worst thing to do at that moment would be challenge their authority. You’ve not only diminished their authority in the child’s eyes but you’ve kind of beaten them while they’re down and that would damage their own perception of their parenting. It creates a situation between you where you are introducing conflict and that is not conducive to coparenting. A better way to deal with this would be after the fact, once their own upset has passed and you’re not in the child’s presence - to discuss how it makes you feel when you see a child being yelled at (or better yet when someone yells at you).  Talk about alternative approaches to the behavior and voice your disagreement for the approach. I think giving concrete alternatives helps a lot (the key difference between criticism and constructive criticism).

Third, you’re not always gonna win the day - this is very hard to accept, especially for people who have strong opinions. There are two parents and usually that will mean there are situations where you feel one way and your partner feels a different way. It’s easy to talk about compromising in life theoretically but let’s be honest, there are things that you can’t compromise about. Sometimes it’s my way or your way. And you can’t always have your way. So think about what things are critical for you and what you’re more flexible about. Whether it is yelling or spanking or condescending talk or whatever your hot button topic is, your can’t be crossed line, lay it out clearly. If there are things you dislike but don’t think are as important - don’t harp on them. It is important not to make every thing a discussion. This can be really hard for people - especially stronger minded people who are used to voicing their opinions. No one wants to hear that everything they do is the wrong approach.

Last, but definitely not least, make sure to complement your partner on their wins - on the times they do a great job with the kids and handle a particularly difficult situation with calm and grace and the exact right approach. None of us are immune to praise and we all need a lot of it when it comes to handling tough times with our kids. Parenting can be a real challenge at times and it feels so good to know and appreciate when you got it right on the first try. Seems silly but believe me it really is not.

And let me be honest, sometimes when I think these things through and write about them I think it sounds unattainable - like for real who is gonna stop and think in the moment and reroute their every move with their kids? But then I think that life is really a work in progress and that’s our job as people - to keep attempting to grow and improve - so we gotta keep plugging and eventually we will get it. And with parenting especially we gotta keep trying because, like many things, we get better with age and time and experience so the more we think about and scrutinize ourselves the better our chances of getting it right the next time.

Back to School Transitions - Part 2

Last week we discussed how to ease our transition into the start of the school year. This week I wanted to toss out a few ideas of how to make this time smoother for the kids themselves. The first thing I notice when my kids go back to school is the instant negativity towards homework (especially for the more advanced years of school when it’s no longer cool to have homework) and how any teacher that impinges on their precious free time at home after school immediately turns into Enemy #1.  Another thing I notice for some kids is the struggle with organization. This may manifest itself in so many ways - messy lockers, what seem to be black hole backpacks and disorganized thought processes when they have to sit down and buckle down.

I think the first thing to stress to ourselves when our kids are in school is that this is their experience and not ours. It’s not a contest of whether they achieve certain grades or turn in homework with every answer correct. It’s about learning and the process of learning. So try to keep this in mind when they are doing their homework - answer their questions but do your best to encourage the process - give them leading answers, if that makes sense.  Don't outright tell them what it is - try and help them come to the answers themselves.  Yes, this takes far more time but in the end they will learn two skills - 1. whatever the teacher was teaching them 2. that THEY CAN DO IT and to trust their thought process.

As far as the homework itself goes - try and work with your child to figure out the best way to make it the least painful experience.  Not every child can come home from a long day of school, grab a bite and dive right in.  Yet putting it off seems so difficult - how can you get them to sit back down after playing and chilling to actually get the assignments done?  I've found with my kids that some of them figure this out on their own, naturally being academic or organized enough to get the work done, while others really struggled.  Mostly, I've taken the approach that their is no "set" time for homework for the household - although that is a lot more work on my part - but I've tried to figure out over the years what works best for each kid.  If they are the type, I say buckle down, get it over with and then have your evening to yourself.  But if they are the type who just needs time to zone out, we set a specific time for the homework (usually for these type of kids, after dinner because it is also unfair to everyone to have to wait for them once they couldn't conform with the house schedule) and let them sit themselves down, with a reminder if needed, to approach it in their own good time.  This is especially crucial to work on as they get towards middle and high school where the days at school get longer and the homework builds up to sometimes an unbearable workload - they have to learn how to pace themselves and not just assume they can get it done fast because it becomes harder and harder to do. 

A good thing to remember - if they seemed overwhelmed even under the best conditions - talk to the teacher.  Most teachers didn't send the homework to make the kids miserable.  If it is taking an inordinate amount of time - they probably either misunderstood the assignment or are struggling in class with the material.  Most teachers are very nice and reasonable human beings who will work with you to pinpoint the issue and will adjust the assignments, if needed.  If the kids are in older grades, try and have them self advocate before you dive in - but if it isn't working and they don't know how to approach it or the teacher doesn't seem to be responsive, get involved.  Meet with the teacher and them together, if they're older and can't do it solo, so they learn how to work through the issues.

As far as organization goes - I'm a huge proponent of setting up systems for success.  One of my children has a massive executive dysfunction.  For those not familiar, this, in layman's terms, basically means the center for organization in her brain doesn't work properly and the neuro-pathways that should exist to connect how to organize specific things were (in her case) destroyed by invasive treatments.  For some kids, they were born this way and just don't have the ability to do many tasks that involve organization.  Transitions also prove difficult for kids with executive dysfunction (and lots of other kids who don't do well with change). One of the best things that a neuro-psychologist taught me when she was in grade school was that you can actually rebuild these pathways through modeling.  A very useful tool to do this is by making checklists.  Checklists break down tasks into their smaller pieces and help kids learn the steps needed to get the job done.  Applying this to the transition to school - I used to make checklists til they were growing out of my ears.  What to do to get out the door in the morning (teeth brushed? backpack? lunch in the bag? etc), after school checklist (homework complete? in backpack? check online hw assignments? does anything need to be brought to school tomorrow?).  List away, my friends, most kids love to check off items and this helps any child, not just ones who struggle with organization, learn how to break their tasks up and get in order.  Using this approach to schoolwork itself can also help - its useful for writing essays (breaking the general into its parts and learning how to tie them together), chunking assignments, etc.  We can discuss this in another post.

Another system we created that was a lifesaver as school became more complex and there were closer to 6 or 8 classes instead of the two parts to the day of elementary school was using the colors of the rainbow to organize the day.  Starting with first period, every class had a color, in rainbow order - notebook, binder, folder.  Inside the locker, I installed mini shelves and had the day set up in order so she could transition from class to class easily.  I can proudly tell you that she is actually in college now and sets up her own systems - a real testament to the ability to rebuild these pathways in the brain!

I think the key to all of this is to help set kids up for success - school is not a happy place for all kids, our education system doesn't necessarily understand each child's unique mind and how to work with it, but we, as parents, can try and figure out the pieces to the school experience and work with how to help our kids best gain from it and flourish.

Happy school year all!

Back to School Transitions

We’re at that time of year where some parents are counting the seconds until the kids go back to school and routine and others are dreading the return to schedule and the loss of freedom. As parents we all have different views of summer break and everyone is entitled to their take on the off time. Personally I’m in the category of people who will miss the long days and minimal schedule that summer has to offer. When I was home with my kids, summer was my favorite time of year where we would Mommy Camp our days and I didn’t have to think about things like carpool and homework. Just about the only downside to summers for me was the house mess that came along with the freedom.

Kids approach the start of school with an equal amount of mixed feelings. I think the back to school excitement usually wanes with the advancing of grades - let’s be honest it’s much more exciting to go into first grade than it is to start 7th.  Learning is still exciting and adventurous at that point. But whether you have a 5 year old or a 15 year old, many kids struggle with the transition. Add to this the number of kids who struggle with issues related to executive functioning and the difficulties of transitions are amplified.

All of which brings me to my discussion for today - just a few short thoughts on how to help parents make the transition back to school easier for themselves.  I know this discussion should include tips for kids transition as well but I find that posts that are too long may lose some people so I will attempt either a second go-round this week or to make that next weeks topic.

I think today we’ll start with parents. I can’t keep track of the things we’ve discussed in the various topics we’ve covered since I started writing this blog so if this is a repeat please accept my apologies. My least favorite tasks related to school are lunches and homework. I used to feel that every day was a challenge when the kids came home I’d be doing the homework, getting dinner made and served and then having to figure out what to put in their lunches for the next day. It was a little bit like being on a task treadmill from the minute they walked in until they were tucked into bed. I missed getting QT with the kids that wasn’t task oriented. To help alleviate some of the pressure we started a lunches system that actually changed my life!  I credit this system to my sister who thought of it for her family and we adopted it. On Sunday’s we packed the weeks lunches. Yes, this required a bit of fridge space and maneuvering and it is definitely not a solution for everyone but even if you can’t adopt the totality of it, there are pieces that can help. The way I did it was I bagged all the snacks, veggies, fruits, etc and the kids then assembled their lunches (5 lined up) with my help as the quality control check. Each child picked a main, 2 snacks, a fruit and veggie for each lunch. People whose kids are more particular about mains or who need fresh sandwiches could do the lunches without the mains and just stick the main in the night before or that morning (most of my kids used to take yogurts as mains so it was easy but now my youngest daughter can’t do dairy and she seems to choose veggies and chummus or a sandwich and happily lets me make those Sunday so I just got lucky). Whichever way you may choose to adopt this - I think the idea is to look at the things in our daily life which most frustrate us and see if there’s a way to change those things because sometimes when we are so dragged down by the details we forget that not all aggravations are necessary ones and usually there is a better solution out there if we are willing to try.

Homework is another area that I find frustrating. As someone who spent a few years in the teaching arena, I have my own opinions about the usefulness of homework. While I actually believe you need homework in areas like math - I’m not convinced most of the rest of it has educational benefits for most kids. Especially if your child is in a dual curriculum with a long day - I mostly believe kids should be allowed to be kids when they get home and should spend whatever is left of their afternoons outside absorbing the fresh air and playing. But homework is a reality and most parents have to decide the best approach to it. Different strokes for different folks here. I think some kids need to get it out of the way when they walk in the door and others need time before they attack it. Every parent should feel out their child’s personality in order to figure out the best way to get this task done with the least amount of fighting or pushing. One thing I can say universally- your child’s teacher did not mean for you to sit down and do the homework with them. Be available for guidance and clarifications but that’s all. Sitting with them, critiquing and “helping” really teaches them that they themselves do t have the skills for the task at hand. Be in touch with your child’s teachers in an open and honest way if you see them struggling to master the material or if they’re spending excessive time on it. Yes, inevitably some will have old school attitudes and may not be helpful - but hopefully by 2019 most will be more interested in a good healthy partnership with you, the parent, to create educational success for your child. And don’t wait until you and your child are at the end of your rope to have the talk. I can’t tell you how many times I went to teachers when we had spent. If he after night in tears and my kid was beyond themselves trying to figure out what the assignment was or how to get it all done just to have a listening and caring ear on the other end tell me that wasn’t at all what was intended for the assignment and how they wish I had called sooner.

To sum it up - transitions are hard for us parents as well - we need to find tools and tricks to help ease the adjustment and to make this time less stressful. Most of us have very busy houses and lives and each time we add something it can be that piece that tips the scales for us. If we step back and attempt to break these times and tasks into their pieces and find some solutions for them I hope it can make it an easier and less stressful time for ourselves and our families.

Where did they hear that from?

Sometimes, a topic comes to me from so many places it is almost like the universe is giving me a message and I just need to listen and heed it.  This week's topic started off with different conversations on different topics with completely different people, talking about a variety of subjects but all pointing to the same conclusion.  It was solidified, however, by a bizarre encounter at the park with my kids this weekend.

A complete stranger showed up at our neighborhood park with her one year old daughter.  Her daughter was very adorable and seemed to be struggling with getting her shoe on well enough to walk.  So my 10 year old, ever enchanted by cute babies, went over to help her out.  The mom then proceeded to talk to him and what she said went from odd and bizarre to bewildering.  To make a long story short, she started off by telling him how she had two children who were 14 years apart and ended off by sharing with him that she had "sacrificed her son so she could live a better life here in America."  My son was so confused by her story that he thought she had lost the child (taking the sacrifice as a literal one) and finally she made her message clear to him - she had left her son in Africa with relatives when he was four years old to pursue her dreams of a better life in America.  And so, she told him, sometime when he was older he would understand that sometimes you need to sacrifice to get what you want in life and live your dream.

As I tried to find a way to extricate ourselves from this strange woman with her strange ideas without being flat out rude, I thought to myself how insane the message she was trying to give my child.  I also thought - how quickly can I undo what she just told him?  Everything she had been saying was completely antithetical to my own belief system and I desperately wanted my son to understand that this woman was wrong.  Thankfully, I needn't have worried too much.  As we made our way home, he turned to me and said that she was a crazy awful mother to leave her child.  And, though I told him we had no idea what the other pieces of her story were and therefore we couldn't judge her, that nonetheless let me explain what we believe.  And I told him, in no uncertain terms.  Once you are a parent, the priority in your life is to give your child everything that you can to make sure they have a good life with every opportunity you can possibly provide them, even if it means altering your own course in the process.  And he asked me, why then had she not sent her son to America and stayed if the choice was for only one of them to go?

Not to delve too deeply into this particular story, the whole exchange made me think - what are the most important things we want to impart to our children and how can we make sure we are the givers of that trove of information and not others?  Other discussions that had pointed me to this topic begged the same question - how and when do we decide to discuss things with our children without missing the boat and letting them get their facts and perspectives from other people?

This question goes to some fairly uncomfortable places for most parents.  Yes, it is easy to try and impart some piece of wisdom to our kids about benign topics - friendships, honesty, truth.  All of these are easy topics that we, if we choose to be thoughtful about our discussions, can find opportunities to discuss with our children.  But what about the topics that don't come easily, the very personal, very raw, very private things that we find hard to discuss with anyone?

To begin with, I think it is important to discuss the easy to approach topics.  If we stop to think about it, do we make time and opportunity to talk to our kids about these? Have we found ways to stop our busy lives and make time for thoughtful discussions with our kids? I am sure the answer to this, if the question was posed to most parents, would be split.  Some parents have made time and found ways, others are just living life from one day to the next and haven't made time for things like that.  For those in the latter category, I strongly encourage you to find a way to step back from life's every day demands and think about what you want to talk to your kids about yourself. And find opportunities.  There is so much misinformation in the world at large and kids absorb so much from every medium.  The messages are sometimes subtle but not always.  The media and game industry has messages that slip easily into their consciousness.  I don't mean to sound paranoid but merely honest.  The world is talking to them at every turn and if you have a message you want to get across to them, say it!  You don't get second chances to make first impressions and if there are topics you want them to hear your unique perspective about, make sure you share it.  I'm not encouraging long lectures to your kids, I'm encouraging discussions.  Talk to them, hear their thoughts, share yours.  The sooner you start doing this with your kids, the more you'll be amazed at how much they have to say about what is going on in the world around them.  I think it also opens the door for them to share things with you as they grow.  Kids can share and observe and absorb at every age and stage so whether you started this when they were young or you're coming to the realization in the middle of their teens, I still encourage you to start the practice.

Now, on to the harder to approach topics.  Recently there was a speech some friends of mine attended about marital intimacy in a religious community, definitely a hard to approach subject.  What amazed me, honestly, was how different their reactions to the same topic was.  And every one of them had one common theme - it is hard to approach certain topics but we need to approach them nonetheless.  That we live in a world where there are few voodoo topics and it is about time we embraced that and started the discussions ourselves.  Where we change the narrative by entering it.  And this, I believe, applies to so many hard to broach topics with our children.  If we ignore the topics, our children will get their information somewhere.  It may be friends, books, media - and it may be approached the way we want it to - or, more likely not.  It may be information and commonly it will be misinformation.  If you want the children to learn it from you, see it from your unique perspective, you need it to come from you.  Make opportunity to talk honestly.  I would advise, before approaching any of these topics, that you discuss them with your partner and together devise an approach to the topic.  One unified message, no secrets, brought gracefully and in unity to your children.

After the obvious discussions you have with your kids about regular topics, I would also encourage you to consider not only talking about common subjects people have trouble discussing with their kids - intimacy, love, etc but anything from mental health issues, family dynamics, painful experiences you had to heal from as a child.  Any number of topics can fall into this category.  Sometimes it is so painful and so personal - and yet so necessary.  Secrets have ways to come back and bite you, painfully, as time goes on.

Obviously I'm not advocating for sharing your trauma with your five year old, this has different implications at different ages.  But I am advocating for figuring out when and how to share levels of your personal journey, struggles, or otherwise with your children.  Don't let them hear it from that well meaning Aunt or cousin - don't let them guess and whisper and come to wrong conclusions secluded with their friends.  Tell them yourself.  Be honest.  Find a way to talk about what seems impossible.  And share without burdening. If you do have any painful subjects that they need to be enlightened about, make sure you frame it with your own strength, your ability to be past what is in the past.  Let them see growth from the painful and not wallowing.  I know one paragraph to approach such a topic is almost insulting, but when this opportunity arises, I obviously can't ignore it.

And so, after my strange park interaction, I'm left with a feeling of strange empowerment.  I think a lesson this odd stranger taught me was to find my voice, discuss things with my kids openly and plainly, and realize that you never know where they're going to get their information from and when, so take every chance you get to make it here and now and from you.

Teaching Mindfullness

About 14 years ago, my husband came up with a gift idea for me - he gave me a yoga class, along  with the promise that he'd come home and take over the night of the class so I could get out.  I had never before been to yoga and, to be honest, since I'm not the touchy feely type by nature, wasn't sure it was going to be my speed.  I went and instantly fell in love with it - the practice, the exertion, the rewards and most of all, the mindfulness skills I learned.  I took yoga for several years and even taught some on my own after I could no longer make time for scheduled classes.  Even since I stopped teaching, I continue to practice whenever I can fit it into my schedule.  One of the greatest lessons yoga has taught me is to learn to listen to and channel and control the noise of the world around me.  We live in a world full of chaos - forget even the electronics that permeate our every move- just the busy-ness of life - balancing home, school, work, family, etc - its a busy and chaotic space.  Learning how to tamp down the noise we don't need at any given moment and listen to what is going on inside our own selves is a skill that is hard but necessary.

You may be asking yourselves, about now, why I'm going on about yoga on a parenting blog? Am I trying to convince you, my readers, to take up the practice?  I'd be dishonest if I told you no - I actually think that parents can use this skill and time for themselves very much.  But that isn't actually the reason I discuss it here (to see a discussion about carving out time for yourself, see my post about creating time for yourself). 

So if this isn't me rambling about making time to learn mindfulness, what are we talking about?

I believe one of the most essential skill any parent can give their child is learning how to listen to themselves.  To train kids to be mindful, to quiet the outside noise and to learn how to trust themselves and listen to their inner voice.  All too often, we try to tell children how they feel instead of teaching them how to identify and guide their own feelings.

For example, how many times have we told our kids, as they're crying and in pain, "you're ok."  Or when they are worried about something we say "there's nothing to worry about!"  Without realizing it, I think we inadvertently ignore our kids feelings and try and supplant our own feelings onto theirs.  We know there's nothing to worry about or that it will only hurt for two minutes and they'll be back to playing - so we try and push that onto them.  Instead, we could try to acknowledge their feelings and then guide them to the next step.  Subconsciously, we are giving them a very different message.  You are allowing them to acknowledge and trust their own feelings while still helping guide their responses to those feelings.  It is subtle but over time, I think they learn a very important lesson.

Take a kid who finds themselves anxious or shy in the presence of new faces or situations.  Some parents try to push them into it and assume they'll just learn to adjust eventually.  Others let them completely stay away from these situations and assume they'll eventually grow out of it and learn to cope.  But there is a more middle of the road approach.  Help the kid put a name or word to their feelings (scared, nervous...) and ]talk before these situations about how to approach them.  What are things you can do when you feel that way? How can we make these situations easier.  This gives them the skills to approach a situation and hear what their body/mind is telling them and coach it through.  It puts them in touch with their inner voice.  Once they understand that voice, they can help guide themselves through different situations. 

Another type, the angry child.  This can be a child of any age, who tends to lash out and get angry at the drop of a hat.  Their auto-response to situations is to flare.  Practicing mindfulness with them, helping them identify when they're feeling angry - how that feeling comes on and what it feels like inside them when it happens, can often help guide them into better responses to their anger.  The old adage, when angry count to ten (when very angry, twenty), still works.  Teaching them to listen to that inner voice, the spark plugs heating up, and to walk away until it simmers.  All of these are ways to help them learn to listen to themselves, be mindful and acknowledge their own feelings, and learn how to channel them more appropriately.

Ok, I know what you may be thinking - it isn't that easy.  And it isn't.  And what about those kids whose inner voice is forever telling them to crazy things - do we teach them to listen to that one too? Voices that speak of exaggerated fears, of crazy and reckless behaviors.  And yes, in a way, we do teach them to listen - and curb it.  The same way you can teach the anxious child to overcome their anxiety, you can teach the wild and reckless child to hear the inner voice and curb it to a reasonable degree.

So often, as kids head into the teenage years, they inevitably shut down to some degree or another.  I think if taught this early, they can still use this skill at that stage, even when it doesn't seem like they are doing so.  The key is to give them the space and time to think it through and in the quiet calm moments, to remind them of the need to listen to those voices inside telling them what they know to be true (think peer pressure situations, something we will discuss in depth in a later post).

Everyone has different methods and approaches to teaching mindfulness, some don't use that word but the idea is the same.  I believe if we work hard on developing these skills for our kids (and our selves) we can help them trust themselves and eventually mature into adults who remain in touch with their inner voices.

Friendships

I’m really lucky in my own life to have formed some strong connections and to have really good friends. And despite that, even as an adult there are times friendships are difficult to navigate. We all read novels or see shows where characters have these incredible friends as kids and they are taking all sorts of adventures together and always have someone who gets them. And our kids see that imagery all around - between social media and television - it’s a picture that’s painted over and over.  But let’s be honest - not every child navigates the social world the same and some really struggle to find friends and interact in relationships. I’m not talking about the extreme cases where there are issues that professional help is required to teach the basics of social norms - I’m talking about the regular kids, the ones who seemingly make friends easily and the the ones who just don’t naturally make friends easily. Or the middle school stages where your friends change almost as often as your style or haircut. How can we, as parents, help our kids navigate the world of friendships to make it both easier for them and help them develop long lasting connections?

Another thing to think about before we discuss how to’s is that although friendship struggles are common - there are different types which require completely different approaches. Sometimes having a larger family gives me a sampling of the different complexities you can face with the same issue. It’s like each child has a different twist on it. For some of my kids, a small tight-knit group of friends is the perfect fit, for others they have an ever revolving door and though some of the friendships have lasted, kids who once actually referred to me as Mommy are no longer in the inner or outer circle. Still others really struggled to find a friend group until much later. So there’s definitely no one size fits all solution to friends.

The first thing to consider is - what works best for this child? Do they do better in small or large groups? Do they enjoy one on one more than group time? Understanding your child’s personality and working with it is essential. All too often, we impose our idea of friends on our kids and it isn’t working for them because it isn’t them. Think of scenarios where you’ve watched social butterflies overprogam their kids and seen the overload and the child retreating into themselves.  It’s one thing to make sure your child has the skills to be in a group setting, another to impose it on them on a regular basis. It’s especially hard to accept this when it has implications on your own social life. If you’re part of a friend group that gathers often and your child is resistant to going or seems to be on the sidelines because they don’t enjoy it - it may be time to rethink those gathering times. Not every child enjoys loads of social time and still others enjoy only larger groups and find one on one situations boring. Try and observe your child and figure out their most comfortable setting and create situations which are conducive to them.

Second, suggestions and encouragement are useful - forcing is counter productive. Honestly this is kind of a general rule of thumb with kids but it’s crucial when it comes to their social life. Even as small kids, they feel the pressure of being forced into situations. Instead of having the desired effect (child becomes engaged and fast friends with the child in question ) it usually has the opposite effect and the kids are more reticent and less inclined to interact.  When it comes to teens, having opinions about their friends seems lethal! I have found that if I encourage a friendship too strongly the child withdraws from it faster and if I dislike the company they’re keeping and am vocal about it - they’ll keep that company more but often do it elsewhere, where I can’t oversee or get to know what they’re getting into. Now don’t get me wrong - there are ways to steer kids towards better friends - but the straight up honesty that we use in other situations often falls flat or works against us when it comes to friendships.

Let’s break the issues down here - to start with we’ll talk about younger kids (anywhere from toddler to younger elementary). For these kids it is easier to create conducive situations for friendships. After heeding step 1, understanding the dynamic that works best, you can help foster those situations for the child. If they do well in one on one, find play dates that can give them chances to bond. If group activities work, classes or parks or other gathering spaces give them a chance to find the right kids and bond with them. Don’t assume the girl next door or your closest friends child is automatically going to be their social life. If that works, great, but it doesn’t always. If you see your child struggling in these situations - I strongly suggest role playing with them after the fact. Show them how to approach someone they don’t know well. If they have trouble with the conversations - give them some starting ideas. They pick things up very fast even when it doesn’t come totally naturally. Once they’re comfortable enough and find kids who they like they will ease into these themselves. It’s like little kid ice breakers.

For teens it is a different ballpark. Mostly teens you’ll be concerned about either struggle to find a group or get in with the wrong crowd.  I'll go backwards here and address the teens that are in a group you find less than ideal.  Word to the wise, don't be too vocal about their friends personally.  When the opportunity arises to talk, talk about behaviors you don't like or social pressures kids have to deal with.  Attacking their friends individually will turn them defensive.  Try as you may, I don't think you can actually break up friendships that you don't find healthy, but you can try and remind your child, in calm times, the healthy and positive behaviors that you miss seeing when they're around friends who bring them down.  Again, I'd be hesitant to dive too deep or harp on it too often since teens have a way of digging in their heels when they feel opposition.

For the teens struggling to find their place - this one in a lot of ways is harder.  Loneliness is real and painful.  Acknowledge their struggle.  If they are open to talking about it, try and problem solve with them about why they aren't finding friends and what is going on at school/around town that is making it difficult.  You may find they're being singled out or bullied because they aren't run of the mill.  Try to help them find alternate situations where there are different kids - sometimes the kids in their school class are just not the right fit.  Since they spend the majority of their time with them, by force not by choice, they may feel stuck and in a rut.  Opening them up to new opportunities where the social structure is different can be a game changer.

And when it comes to issues with friendships, encourage openness.  Try to make them know that you are always a friend to them, you have their back.  If they want to be heard without comment, you'll be their sounding board.  If they want advice, you can give that too.  Let home be a safe space for them where there isn't the same social pressures they're facing out in the real world.  When they know you understand them and are supporting instead of pressuring them to make it work, you may find an entirely different child in there who is ready to talk and eventually ready for suggestions.  Discuss loyalty and dependability. Discuss how to be a real friend.  Discuss how real friends sometimes compromise.  Discuss how real friends come to parents when there are safety issues, even if it feels like tattling.  Talk and keep the discussions going.

Creating Positive Health/Body Outlooks

What I’m about to discuss is sensitive and difficult for so many people. Eating issues and disorders are rampant in communities across the spectrum and no one is immune from them. And they cut both ways - we have the people struggling to fight obesity and those struggling with anorexia/bulimia. Even parents who do their best modeling can have eating issues in their houses. But hard topics can’t be avoided - we need to get them out into the open and talk about them if we are going to fix them. And, like many of our other topics, this is just a beginning.  Even discussing food and exercise in one post is a feat but I’m going to make an attempt because I believe they’re intricately connected.

One night recently I was late coming home and out of dinner ideas (or energy to make some) and a friend told me about a great grab n go sushi option. While I was in line waiting for my order, I met half the neighborhood who clearly were in the same predicament. While catching up with some people I don’t see often enough, I noticed a running theme. Everyone was discussing either how they overate when it came to foods they found as a “treat” or discussed calories as part of their food conversation. Being health and exercise focused myself - I have given a lot of thought to how to approach the topic of food/diet and exercise and I’m always on the lookout for how we, as a society, deal with these concepts. So I’m just going to come right out and say that overall our society has an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise. All too often we portray food as something to resist or indulge in and exercise as a necessary evil. You’ll hear real lovers of exercise talk about the high but most people talk about it as something they have to force themselves to do because it’s good for their health. When it comes to food, there’s far too much discussed about dieting and far too little about balance and healthy choices. And I am forever overhearing people talk about their bodies and the lack of satisfaction with size and shape.

Personally I think every one of us needs to take a step back and ask ourselves what we are modeling for our kids when it comes to these crucial topics. As we’ve talked about before, kids hear everything. They listen and pick up on the minutia. So when it comes to food - do we discuss calories and dieting or do we discuss healthy choices? Do we talk about how the food choices affect our weight or our body and health ? Instead of putting the focus on calories and intake I believe we should focus on healthy choices and portion sizes. Discuss what health benefits they get from things rather than what bad stuff can happen from foods. When you show them that you choose olive oil over some other fat - discuss heart healthy choices. Discuss eating and feeling satisfied rather than stuffed. Getting energy from good food choices.

When a child is taking a snack - hand them a cup/bag/bowl to take a reasonable amount instead of the bag to eat endlessly. You can teach them how to choose a healthy portion size without telling them they’re overeating or having them measure foods  - just showing them that a portion is enough to fill you up without eating too much of one thing. Teach them balance in how they eat. Whatever your philosophy- if sugar is the root of all evil and you want them to avoid it - just remember that banning certain food categories makes people (and certainly small kids) want them even more. And think a lot about how much you’re talking about food and focusing on it. Try to steer conversations away from dieting and food consumption- it’s an overused topic in our society and we need to be where that ends.

I think it’s important to note that when dealing with kids and food it’s important to avoid power struggles over food. Suggesting healthy options and making sure to have good foods available is an ideal way to create a healthy food atmosphere. Pressuring kids to eat healthy food options or punishing them and taking away things if they refuse sets you up for food battles and distorts their view of how to approach food. If you don’t have the junk in your house kids will naturally choose other options. Another important thing to think about - try to avoid making food a reward. If every prize for good behavior or special treat or outing revolves around food - what message are we sending?

When it comes to exercise- I hate to be this person but add some joy to the conversation. Do you exercise? Is the amount you fit it into your life reasonable or excessive? Lacking? I grew up watching my parents get up early every day to run. It was a great model for me - I saw that despite my Dads busy schedule he made healthy choices a priority. My mom got up with him to be his partner even though early mornings were not her strong suit. They showed us that you fit it in however you can to make it work. And you could see they loved that time together. My Dads been gone for many years but my mom still runs, thank G-d, and she sets an incredible example not just for her kids but for her grandkids (several of whom take turns running with her) about how to fit exercise into your life and stick with it even when it’s hard. Not everyone can be a runner - but we all can and should find something that makes us move and moves us at the same time. If we do something we love we will love doing it.

At the same time, there are kids who are sedentary and finding ways to encourage movement can be a huge challenge. Organized sports are a great way to get them moving but they are not for everyone. Encouraging kids to find things to do that don’t involve staying still is crucial but can be hard. Try to get the kids somewhat involved in your movement some of the time.  Bike rides are great quality time  that gets everyone moving. Walks, geocaching, scavenger hunts - all are good ways to get people up and going while making it fun. Many schools have girls on the run or other program to help make joint moving times. Whatever you choose to help the sedentary child, try to focus on the enjoyment, the health benefits but not on how or why it will affect their weight.

And like everything else - you have both ends of the spectrum. Some kids that get too into it - another thing to watch for. If exercise is taking up too much of their time and they are overly focused - help them dial it back. A healthy balance is crucial to prevent danger. I can’t talk about every aspect in this one post so we’ll have to get back to some of this later.

The bottom line is we need to help our kids develop a healthy relationship with food and exercise - trying to focus on the quality of what we eat and the way it makes us feel instead of the quantities. Attempting not to create a culture of diets and weight focus but more of a health focus. And exercise is an amazing piece of our lives that keeps us feeling good and healthy and in touch with our bodies.

And Again...And Again...And Again - Consistency in Parenting

A few months ago I read an article about a couple who was married over 60 years.  They were asked what the secret to staying together so long was - and the answer the husband gave was (and I paraphrase here) 'you just stay. When you are angry, frustrated, want to walk away, you just stay.'  Ok, we all know it isn't that simple and I am not trying to get on a soapbox and talk about relationships here, they are complicated and circumstances differ for each person (and, I'd be remiss if I didn't make a note to all those people in tough relationships that I am in no way saying to stay when there is anything abusive about a relationship - remember you can always leave if it is the best thing for you and your family - but that is a side note).  The article got me thinking about something I hear about all the time - how do we make things stick? How do we keep with things and make them part of our lives and routines?  Every new idea is exciting for the first second/minute/hour/day/week/month but somehow things tend to fizzle out and what seemed so great just isn't or we can't remember to keep it up.  I've been thinking this question over and I had some thoughts to share on the subject.

Most of us don't remember how we started some of the routines that we call daily life.  What made us brush our teeth every morning and night and not give up on that system? Some people incorporate exercise into their daily routines - somehow they keep that up despite the busy chaos we call life.  Everything started somewhere.  

Although routines are hard to establish, we are capable of creating new ones at any stage in our lives.  Like learning to type or any other skill - we can create the parenting equivalent of muscle memory for our kids.  Let me explain the concept.  When I learned to type I was around 10 or so - we learned on old fashion typewriters.  I remember having to type pages of the same letter sequences over and over.  It was tedious and I don't recall being thrilled by it but it did create muscle memory for my hands.  After a while, I no longer had to think about where the letters were, my fingers just flew to them automatically.  I think the same is true with habits and routines that we establish in our houses.  If you create a system and keep it up, day after day, week after week, it will eventually stick. 

There are a few key points to take into consideration when trying to create a new routine in your house.  First, it is key not to try and conquer Rome in a day.  According to my good friend Google, it takes 2 months (on average 66 days) to form a new habit.  If you get too zealous in your parenting ideas and try to adapt too many systems for too many things too quickly - I don't believe you'll actually get any to take.  One at a time.  Slow and steady.

First, think about what the greatest challenge you face with your kids on a daily basis is: getting them up and out in the mornings? supper and bedtime routine? Everyone talking at the same time when something needs to be done and feeling like a traffic cop? Pick one of these and try to deconstruct the steps that are involved.  What type of system could you put into place to make this time/routine go more smoothly?

When my first four kids were all in elementary school, making lunches was the worst part of the daily routine.  I felt like the kids walked in the door after school and between homework, dinner, showers and lunches - my day was consumed and I was spent.  One of my older sisters who has a large family shared an idea with me that I implemented into my own house and it changed my life, literally.  I tweaked her system and created a lunches system that made my daily life so much better.  Every Sunday morning, I would get the kids to the kitchen and we would pack the lunches for the entire week (yes, an old fridge served as the holding space for this crazy number of lunches - 20!).  I would bag individual snacks, vegetables, fruits and 'mains' and the kids would select something from each category for each lunch bag (we lined up 5 a person on the kitchen counter).  The entire process took about an hour, start to finish, and I didn't think about lunches again the rest of the week.  All the kids had to remember was to grab the lunch in the morning before school - and no one could complain about the contents because they had packed it themselves!

Once you decide what you are going to conquer and the routine you want to put in place for it - stick with it.  Don't try and incorporate another new system or conquer another chaotic time - just work on this one item for a while.  I honestly would give a new system a good 3-4 months before I tackled the next idea.  Kids can form habits and they can break poor habits faster than we can as adults.  And each routine is different - when you see that they've acclimated and are remembering THE SYSTEM without you having to guide them through it, you know they've acquired the 'muscle memory' and are likely ready to take on another change.  We just need to set our minds to a new idea and keep it up!

Please feel free to share ideas and system you've implemented - either comment on the blog or on instagram @bigpicparents

To Incentivize or Not to Incentivize- That is the Question

I recently had a discussion with my teenage son which was at once very eye-opening and at the same time quite upsetting.  He's currently working at a summer camp and we were talking about some challenges controlling the campers.  His bunk seems particularly high-energy and the go-to method for some of the counselors he is working under seems to be yelling louder than the campers in order to be heard.  I suggested that perhaps some incentives would be more useful than screaming and he told me that he doesn't believe in bribing kids to do what they are supposed to do.  He told me that when he was younger I just took things away - not bribed him.  He said I spent so much time taking things away (or threatening to) that he was never happy to get things, he always worried he'd lose them. 

Ok, taking a step back and remembering what he's talking about - I can definitely say Guilty As Charged.  I remember exactly what he is referring to - when he turned 13 he was given a Nintendo Switch as a gift from a friend.  Being new to this gaming system and the world that surrounds it - I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.  I wish I knew then what I know now (forgive me, Katy Perry... ) - but I didn't and I handed this brand new device over to a young teen with no limits and no framework for controlling its use (I discuss some pointers for controlling technology in the house in a previous post).  So there I was, with a newly teenage son who had his own technology and was, instantly, completely addicted.  I asked, begged, pleaded, suggested that he turn it in at night (yet somehow didn't insist as a condition of getting it, we all have to start learning somewhere) and nothing I said or did worked.  He was totally hooked and wouldn't give it up, at all, ever.  I couldn't get him to get out of his bed for anything that wasn't a requirement (school) and so all weekend he just vegged and played and I tried everything to get him to stop.  If he wouldn't stop I would just forcibly remove the device and he would mope about not having it.  To be honest, I haven't completely figured this device situation out - since he still plays far more video games than I would like - but I have found ways around some of it.  Had I started with different rules I think we could have had a much more positive experience with it, but that is all water under the bridge.  The discussion made me think about something I have grappled with for a long time - do we provide incentives for things that children should be doing or is that bribing?  Do we focus on incentives or do we eliminate things if kids are not listening?

At the beginning of this blog, I discussed my method of Repercussions no discussions (see post) - where there are no long debates and discussions about repercussions for certain types of behaviors - you just move right to repercussions (there was a bit more to this method and it wasn't step #1 in the sequence).  The question is, though, is there a way to create incentives for good behavior without outright bribing our kids to behave?

I don't claim to be the guru or have all the answers but I have given this topic a good amount of thought.  I think it comes down to the fact that in many ways we all create incentives for things for ourselves constantly.  Ever not want to exercise and tell yourself that if you get going and do something you will (fill in the blank - preferably not with 'reward yourself with chocolate').  As adults we don't want to do everything we have to do and yet we find ways to do things.  Sometimes, we do things because we know we have to (putting out supper each night, for example, as much as many of us may hate doing that).  Other things we see more as optional and we find ways to encourage ourselves to do them because we know we should or we feel they're good for us.  We all need incentives. 

And so I've decided that if there is a positive way to create incentives for our kids to do things that they find challenging - why should we not help them create those systems?  There are always going to be things that come naturally to some kids and are huge struggles to others.  Some kids are organized by nature and don't want to live in a mess while others are going to have an incredibly difficult time getting their clothes into the hamper at night.  Each kid has their own struggles - some bigger and more challenging than others - but small things we can do to help provide them with the incentive to do what they need will help form healthy habits from a young age. 

For really young kids, the incentives need to be immediate - stickers for good behavior, a star on your chart, a little box of dollar store prizes, Oriental trading goods - easy and quick.  As kids get older, incentives can be longer term (a month of checks on a chart can earn an outing), jars you fill with a marble each time you notice good behavior and a treat night out when the jar is full.  They can work their way up to bigger prizes or experiences they can earn.  Remember, it doesn't have to be stuff - time alone with kids is a huge prize they covet and enjoy. 

So, do we bribe them into good behavior? I don't think so - no 'listen to me and you get a candy' - but I do believe there is a line between incentives and bribes and each person can find it and tow it.  If the incentives fail, they shouldn't be used as a threat (if you don't do this, you won't earn your X) - they should be there as a positive way to help kids do the right thing.  But if they fail, back to the Repercussion No Discussion.  They don't need to hear they lost it or they didn't earn it - they know that already.  You can't force them into good behavior, but you can make it worth their while.

As I finished my conversation with my son, I felt I had learned a lot.  I told him I was actually really sorry I made him feel like he would lose so much and I explained to him how powerless I felt against the pull of his electronics.  And I told him I learned a lot from the conversation - because I did.  It was both humbling and empowering to know we, as parents, can learn and improve ourselves from our experiences and not make the same mistakes again.

Giving Advice

Volumes by wise and educated people have certainly been published on the topic of the best way to give advice so people can accept what you’re telling them.  I don’t dream of being in the same league as those before me who studied the psychology and truly understood the inner workings of the mind.  I can only tell you from my own experience the things I have found to be more useful and completely useless when trying to give kids (and adults) advice.

Like we discussed in the last post on Taking advice - it is hard to accept advice from anyone. If you couple that with advice given wrong - it is impossible.  I was discussing some parenting techniques with a friend at the pool today and I was telling her that when it comes to how to approach things with my kids I often think about how I would feel if I was approached that way about something.  Take a simple example of someone telling you how to cut food in your own kitchen.  Would you honestly want to listen if someone repeatedly told you that you were doing it wrong and here's how you really should be doing it? Most of us would be like - I got this - leave me alone.  We may even be thinking that we've been doing it our way for years and it works so why change.  If, however, the person found a better approach to telling us how to do it without us feeling we were somehow wrong until now and they are right we may be more open to it.  In our cutting example, it may take the form of showing us that our efficiency and time on our feet would be reduced if we learned a different technique.  Or our finger tips would all be in tact.  Whatever the hot button is, if we learn how to hit it properly - real change can happen.

So what are some ideas we can integrate into our advising which will help make it palatable for those who could benefit from hearing it most?

First rule of giving advice - stop playing the blame game.  People often point fingers without even realizing what they are doing.  This just doesn't set the stage for anything positive (ever).  Focus not on who is responsible for the issue or problem but what the issue or problem actually is.  I noticed this when talking to my kids - I used to always start with the problem by saying how I've noticed you've been doing a lot of X lately (fill in the blank here - there are so many - bullying/talking back/whining...you name it). 

What I didn't realize was that I had already lost my audience.  Defenses went up and sense went out the window.  The advice never even had a chance at that point.  What they heard was "you think I am wrong or bad or ___" and they didn't hear the constructive section at all.  It took my kids being old enough to say 'I know you think I'm bad' for me to realize I had completely framed my topic wrong.  Obviously, we need to identify what we're talking about.  If you're noticing your child leaves the dishes on the table after every meal - you are going to have to discuss the fact that the dishes are on the table and therefore need clearing.  Or you could skip the fact they're at the table and just go to the what needs to be done right away.  But if you do need to discuss it - you don't have to point fingers.  Just the facts, ma'am.

Second, as with any type of feelings you are sharing with someone, use I statements more than You statements.  If something is making you feel demeaned, don't come at it from the angle of "you've been demeaning to me in conversations lately".  Come at it from the "I've been feeling put down."  It means the same thing but comes across quite differently.

Third, allow them room to process and come up with solutions to the issue themselves - but give them some leading ideas.  Open minds have ways of creating loads of good problem solving solutions - but the key is for them to be open.

Last, don't lecture.  Keep it short and to the point.  No one wants to hear someone drone on and on and press their point when the bottom line is us telling them they need to change.  I think a conversation with advice should be 5 minutes or less if at all possible.

I'm sure there are many other advice giving tips - and I urge you to share you ideas and comments (either in the comments section or on Instagram @bigpicparents) - I would love to hear what you have to say!

Taking Advice

I've gotten some feedback about the blog and I really appreciate all of it.  My aim is to create a space where my readers can feel they're understood and supported.  My goal is to help each and every person find a safe haven where it's ok that your kid just painted the wall with their diaper or your teenager just exploded and stormed out of the house - where you realize it doesn't mean you did something wrong or you're a bad parent.  And you know that you're gonna survive this thing and you're not doing too bad at managing it and retaining your humanity.  And maybe you'll pick up a few tips and tricks to help you along the way.

So when someone gave me feedback that I should make it more personal and less generic I thought it was a great idea.  It turned me from less of a preacher of parenting to a fellow parent who has gained some ideas along the way to share.  My first thought was to tell you my life story - show you what makes me who I am and what I am.  What battlegrounds I've trod and what they've taught me.  Truth be told, that approach really didn't bother me - I like to view my life circumstances as my reality and not something I'm some sort of victim of - I didn't cause most things to happen, they just happen to be my life - but some of my kids were not so wild about it.  The life I live, the story that is me, is also other people's story.  They didn't all want their story broadcast for every stranger to know.  So I decided to tweak it.  And it gave me an idea for this post.

To start - my tweaked idea of who I am so you can know why you'd ever want to listen to me about parenting.  I have 6 amazing and wildly different kids.  They range in age from college to elementary school at the current time (2 years ago we thought we could win a prize for most children in different school stages - having one in college, one studying abroad, one in high school, middle school, elementary and nursery).  Aside from completely different personalities, we've also been through some unique circumstances - we've battled intense illness over the years and thankfully have overcome a lot but gained tremendous perspective on life from those situations.  There are a lot of other details I could fill in but I won't for their privacy sake.  What I will try to do, from here on out, is include more real life anecdotes to help my ideas and thoughts be more useful.

On to the main idea I wanted to discuss today - how to take advice.  Giving advice seems easy because we can just say what we're thinking and let it out.  But usually that is not super effective and there are better ways of delivering a message than just putting them out there.  Especially if we want the advice to be taken.  That will have to be the subject of a separate post.  Today I want to talk about taking advice, because advice is a hard pill to swallow.  For anyone.  Any time.  No one wants to hear something about themselves that someone else thinks is less than perfect.  We all want to see ourselves a certain way and it is hard to hear we need to change.  This is no less true when we're older.  Try taking advice from someone you love and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

The main problem I've encountered with taking advice is that the first reaction most people have is to become defensive.  It is our human response to either take flight or defend ourselves when we feel attacked.  Even advice given well can be hard to take.  The most impressive thing to me is watching someone take advice and immediately consider it without any push back.

A few months ago I was running with my running partners and I put this question out to them.  One of my friends is an incredible listener.  They're always joking around when we run about how I can just talk the whole time (to be honest, I was like oh no, I obviously talk too much - but they were actually commenting on my lung capacity - that should be the subject of another post - what people say and what we hear).  What I realized was that they are incredible listeners and so I asked them how can I become a better listener?  They gave me a few good pointers which I’ll use as part of my how tos.

First, don’t talk back immediately - let the person talking really talk before you jump in.
Second, affirm what you heard by repeating it briefly (so you feel x,y, z)
Third, ask questions to clarify the topic at hand
Last, don’t necessarily respond immediately - try to step back and consider the topic before formulating a response.

Teaching kids to take advice well is, as usual, a lot about modeling behavior. When they come to us we have to listen and consider their points. We can’t always have a formulated opinion on their issues before the discussions begin. If we want them to listen to and heed our advice we have to show them it’s not a one way street.

 But we also have to realize advice isn’t a directive. It’s an idea and we can choose what parts of it we integrate into our response and behavior. Kids have their own world views, even at a really young age and especially as they come into their teenage years. They’re not going to agree to our exact view of things every time. Yes, there will be times they buy into the whole idea but those will be few and farther between. As long as they hear what we have to say, consider it and come up with a viable solution they have “taken” our advice.

Recently I was having a discussion with one of my teenagers. We were disagreeing about some safety protocols for the car. I was of the belief that they needed to slow it down and use more caution. Somehow between when I taught them to drive and the discussion they’d lost all sense of caution and understanding that a car is a really powerful machine which can do damage if not managed properly. I made some mistakes during the conversation (which we’ll discuss in the giving advice section) and so did they. Instead of hearing what I had to say the immediate response was “you’re paranoid mom and I’m a good driver.”  I was totally shut out before the discussion even got underway. Had they tried to be a more active listener they may have heard my point - exercise more caution - without disregarding me entirely. To be honest I do think they are checking themselves a little more because even when kids seem to ignore us I’m fairly certain they hear some of what we say.

So to call it a wrap - teaching kids to take advice is mostly about helping them become active listeners, realizing that even if they don’t take all of what we say and put it into action that’s ok as long as they take some pieces of it (or devise another alternative) and come up with a reasonable course of action or solution.

Summertime and the Livin' is Easy...How to Enjoy Free Time with your Kids

Now that summer is upon us I wanted to share some ideas how to make enjoyable QT with your kids.  Some people are lucky enough to have your kids home for the whole summer while others have to fit time in post work.  I'll try to make this relevant for all kinds.

I'll start with a disclaimer - I was lucky enough to have many, many years of Camp Mommy with my kids when they were young.  When I went back to full time work 2 summers ago, the hardest part for me was not getting to do Camp Mommy with the kids.  I hated the thought that I'd have to send them somewhere else for someone else to build memories with them.  Don't get me wrong - it was a lot of work, there were many days where I was exhausted and frustrated - but overall I loved it.  It isn't for everyone but it really is the stuff that makes memories.  Even if you aren't the type who can keep kids home the whole summer - a week or two is extremely special and the kids remember those summers so fondly. 

So I guess I should really make this two parts -

Part 1: Creating a Camp Mommy
If you have the opportunity to have the kids home - whether it is a week or two or a whole summer - Camp Mommy can be fun for you and the kids. No matter if you live in a city or in the middle of nowhere - there is so much to explore.  Here are some things I recommend:
1. Make a schedule - when you don't have schedule, things can feel out of control.  I used to have a loose outline of how the days would go.  Kids often do better with some structure - there are only so many days you can chill and sleep late and then decide what to do.
2. Take Trips! We usually had one trip day a week - somewhere you would go to explore or enjoy where you had never gone (or places you just love and want to keep going back to).  If you have bigger kids, letting them take turns planning the trip days can be a lot of fun and give them an opportunity to develop their planning skills.  Remember to check your local festival list, nature hikes nearby, Geocaching (a national scavenger hunt), and museums and zoos nearby.  If you're adventurous, drive a little farther once in a while and find a beach or lake.
3. Art - there is art all over - pinterest and other websites have many crafting ideas if you don't have ones of your own.  Found art is particularly fun and can be combined with trips (like finding the letters of their name in nature on a hike and photographing them and making collages).
4. Exercise together - biking, swimming, running - the possibilities are endless.  You will be a better parent if you work this into your schedule with the kids so you get your exercise in.
5. Make T-Shirts for your "camp" - my kids have passed down "Camp Mommy" t-shirts to their younger siblings since they have one from every summer.  These are particularly useful to wear on trip day.
6. Make cooking/ baking /grocery shopping part of your activities - one thing you find when kids are home with you during the summer is it can get really hard to fit the real life tasks into your days.  If you involve them in these and set aside one day a week (or possibly part of two days) to take care of the mundane (scavenger hunt grocery shopping is very fun, writing the shopping list for younger kids who are learning to read/write), you will find it far less frustrating to fit the real stuff in.
7. Reward Good Sibling Behavior - one thing that happens often when kids are home together is they begin to bicker.  If you head that off to start with it can make a huge difference.  A chart with a weekly reward trip (think Slurpee's) makes for a good reason to head off the fighting.
8. Set Goals - kids thrive on success.  Find things you want to accomplish over the summer and keep track of them.  I usually have the kids set goals for books to read, swimming strokes to learn, etc.
9. Publish! Every Friday we would create our own newsletter of what we did at Camp Mommy that week.  It was fun, great computer skills, and a great way to share what we did with their Dad (who was working so we could have Mommy Camp).
10. Create your own game - many people have seen version of Monopoly that are personalized - create a family version of this or any other game and play it (even add real life rewards).  This can become a really fun family pass-time.

I'll happily provide a list of DC locations for trips and exploration for anyone local and art project ideas for anyone who is interested.

Part 2: Increasing QT and Creativity while the kids are off school
So for those of us who can't take the whole summer to be with the kids - fear not, all is not lost.  There is still so much time and energy you can use to increase your time with the kids in the summer.  I always want to take advantage of the time where they are usually doing their homework and all tapped out from a whole day at school.  Try to shake up your normal daily routine and make time for fun.  This can take on so many different faces - you can go to the pool after work for a relaxing afternoon and let bedtime be a bit later than usual.  You can do an arts and crafts project (see above about arts and crafts if you need ideas).  You can still make your own T-Shirts, take some evening outings, and build in time for special summer activities.  Take advantage of your Sundays - there should be fewer Sunday birthday parties, extra curricular activities, etc - and take some trips.  If you have the opportunity to take a family trip - try to build in some extra excitement (i.e. planning together for bigger kids, make t-shirts before you go).

Some people find unstructured time to be extremely frustrating but I really believe if you create your own structure and try to view summers as an opportunity to create memories with your kids you will feel fulfilled and benefit from the time.  Yes, there will be challenging days (possibly many of them) but in the end they remember those times and appreciate the effort you put into them.