For those of you who follow the media, this past week had yet another case of an educator who sadly had problems with child pornography and apparently may have even used his students to fuel his erroneous behavior. These stories break our hearts and fill them with dread. In a world where so much happens virtually, when meeting face to face is becoming more rare by the day, how can we protect our kids from people who may do terrible things to them? This is a question I really grapple with. Most of us take the approach that we must allow our kids some amount of access to the digital world - for the majority of kids if you don’t expose them to it they will find ways to get to it without you - so how can we at the same time protect them and expose them to these possibilities? In a discussion this past weekend, someone mentioned to me that often these predators pose as teenagers and “it’s just the way things are that kids think it’s normal to send pictures to each other.” It really got me to thinking about what, if anything, we can teach the kids to protect themselves and respect themselves. In my opinion, those are two distinct items and both need to be addressed to have this conversation.
Let's start with some practical safety. Kids need to learn both internet safety and general rules of dealing with adults.
To begin with, internet safety is something that has become a part of many school curricula. The school that my children attend has a curriculum called digital citizenship which I’ve been impressed with - they start at a young age and really try and help the kids understand the power and dangers of the internet and how to avoid them. If your child's school doesn't have something like this in place, I'd highly recommend petitioning for it. I've noticed a distinct change in my younger kids approach to an online presence from this program. I think its essential they start early, before most kids even have their own devices, since these behaviors are far easier to mold then to change once they've already started their online habits and social media presence they present to the world. It is never too late, of course, to create good boundaries and habits. As far as home is concerned, I think it is essential for kids to share all passwords with their parents, so you have the ability to log in at any time and check what has been happening. This shouldn't be solely at times you are worried, make a habit of checking in regularly. I discussed some of the technology issues we face with kids in a previous post on technology so I don't want to get too detailed on that front, just to remind parents that there is a huge world out there and your kids will, if left unchecked, most likely have a lot of exposure you don't necessarily want if you aren't on top of it.
As for general safety with adults, a wise pediatrician once counseled parents to teach their kids a basic rule - no adult will ever need your help with a private part of their body. If they ever ask you to help them with a private part, immediately leave and get your parent. If you can't, then tell your parents right away once you are out of the situation. This is something I hadn't previously thought about - a good approach to teach your kids how to protect themselves. I had always approached this from the angle of the child, if you ever need help with something on your own body - you can ask a parent or Doctor to help, but never another adult. And if an adult tells you they need to help you, say no and tell a parent. I think both angles are essential.
Once we have established these basic safety guidelines for the kids - I think we have a completely separate issue to address to try and protect kids from predators and anyone else who may take advantage of their naivete. When I talk to my kids about romantic relationships, I try to approach it from a perspective of respect. People who care about each other must respect each other. I know it is difficult for many people to have these conversations, but it is important. I explain that when you love someone enough to want to share your physical self with them, it needs to come from a place of deep respect because no one who cares about you should ever put you in a position where you are merely a physical object to them. And I am honest that once you introduce this aspect into your relationship, things change. It is so important for them to understand that a relationship must be able to stand on its own feet before you add a physical element to it. Regardless of your religious beliefs, whether you feel marriage is the first time there can be intimacy or if you feel it is appropriate to introduce at another stage in a relationship, I think everyone will agree that respect and love come first, intimacy second. If we can help our children to truly understand and value themselves this way, I don't think they'd easily share indecent photos of themselves over the internet with anyone. I am in no way blaming any child that fell prey to this, I am only trying to help others realize that even if the person on the other end of that line is another teen or someone they even want to eventually get to a physical point with, that is not the respectful way anyone who values them would get to that point.
There is no simple way to protect our children from the myriad of issues which can come at them from the world as it is, it is complicated and there are so truly disturbed people out there who will find ways to take advantage of them - but we can try our best to build as many walls for them as possible and pray each day that no one finds a way to breach them.
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