Coparenting

Before I start, wanted to say sorry I missed last week - I got the unique opportunity to get away from everything for a few days and I soaked in the sun and sand and atmosphere and didn’t log onto a computer aside from checking work emails a few times. Always nice to get that break and I am truly grateful. It did, however, give me time to think about a topic I’ve wanted to discuss for a while - how to coparent. This kind of seems like an easy question - we decide to partner with someone for life and start a family with them - of course we should easily be able to coparent with them. It does seem logical but I don’t believe that it is at all. Let’s be real - how many of us even discussed how we’d parent before we had our kids? Maybe some people had big ideas about the type of parent they would be - but specifics of day to day? I can’t count the number of times one parent tells me that their spouse disciplines their kids a certain way and it drives them crazy - one parent believes they need to yell to prove a point to a child and the other is against yelling ever. One parent believes in the need to let the baby cry to sleep and the other can’t handle it. There are so many examples of this I could likely list a page worth but you get my drift - it’s challenging to coparent and strategize together about how to approach our kids and yet we must. So what’s the best way to approach this crucial piece of our daily lives to create a unified and consistent approach for our kids that we can both agree on and be comfortable with?

Like most things in life - there is no magic button answer. But there are things we can discuss and think about which will help us plan our approach. The first and most important step in my opinion is to start the discussion. I’ve noticed that all too often in life and especially in relationships, people shy away from talking about topics that are difficult or cause conflict. Yes, it is hard to talk about things that you know you disagree about - but you need to. There’s no real good way to say that part of it. Life isn’t all butterflies and rainbows and we’re gonna have hard topics and situations but remember you’re in it together.

Second, I strongly advise not to approach it in the moment and definitely not in front of the kids in the moment. Your kids shouldn’t see you challenging the authority of your partner. I must admit this to be my weakest spot in life - when I see it I say it - and I have to work so hard to bite my tongue and remember after the fact to address an approach I didn’t like. In your children’s mind, you should be united and on the same side. It is so easy for kids to try to play parents against each other - especially as they get older and want to manipulate situations - so don’t give them the chance. But also, like so many things, approaching it in the moment makes people defensive and in a state of defensiveness you aren’t open to much. If your partner is struggling with a child’s rude behavior or lack of responsiveness to authority and, for example, they raise their voice to the child (something you can’t stand) - the worst thing to do at that moment would be challenge their authority. You’ve not only diminished their authority in the child’s eyes but you’ve kind of beaten them while they’re down and that would damage their own perception of their parenting. It creates a situation between you where you are introducing conflict and that is not conducive to coparenting. A better way to deal with this would be after the fact, once their own upset has passed and you’re not in the child’s presence - to discuss how it makes you feel when you see a child being yelled at (or better yet when someone yells at you).  Talk about alternative approaches to the behavior and voice your disagreement for the approach. I think giving concrete alternatives helps a lot (the key difference between criticism and constructive criticism).

Third, you’re not always gonna win the day - this is very hard to accept, especially for people who have strong opinions. There are two parents and usually that will mean there are situations where you feel one way and your partner feels a different way. It’s easy to talk about compromising in life theoretically but let’s be honest, there are things that you can’t compromise about. Sometimes it’s my way or your way. And you can’t always have your way. So think about what things are critical for you and what you’re more flexible about. Whether it is yelling or spanking or condescending talk or whatever your hot button topic is, your can’t be crossed line, lay it out clearly. If there are things you dislike but don’t think are as important - don’t harp on them. It is important not to make every thing a discussion. This can be really hard for people - especially stronger minded people who are used to voicing their opinions. No one wants to hear that everything they do is the wrong approach.

Last, but definitely not least, make sure to complement your partner on their wins - on the times they do a great job with the kids and handle a particularly difficult situation with calm and grace and the exact right approach. None of us are immune to praise and we all need a lot of it when it comes to handling tough times with our kids. Parenting can be a real challenge at times and it feels so good to know and appreciate when you got it right on the first try. Seems silly but believe me it really is not.

And let me be honest, sometimes when I think these things through and write about them I think it sounds unattainable - like for real who is gonna stop and think in the moment and reroute their every move with their kids? But then I think that life is really a work in progress and that’s our job as people - to keep attempting to grow and improve - so we gotta keep plugging and eventually we will get it. And with parenting especially we gotta keep trying because, like many things, we get better with age and time and experience so the more we think about and scrutinize ourselves the better our chances of getting it right the next time.