Friendships

I’m really lucky in my own life to have formed some strong connections and to have really good friends. And despite that, even as an adult there are times friendships are difficult to navigate. We all read novels or see shows where characters have these incredible friends as kids and they are taking all sorts of adventures together and always have someone who gets them. And our kids see that imagery all around - between social media and television - it’s a picture that’s painted over and over.  But let’s be honest - not every child navigates the social world the same and some really struggle to find friends and interact in relationships. I’m not talking about the extreme cases where there are issues that professional help is required to teach the basics of social norms - I’m talking about the regular kids, the ones who seemingly make friends easily and the the ones who just don’t naturally make friends easily. Or the middle school stages where your friends change almost as often as your style or haircut. How can we, as parents, help our kids navigate the world of friendships to make it both easier for them and help them develop long lasting connections?

Another thing to think about before we discuss how to’s is that although friendship struggles are common - there are different types which require completely different approaches. Sometimes having a larger family gives me a sampling of the different complexities you can face with the same issue. It’s like each child has a different twist on it. For some of my kids, a small tight-knit group of friends is the perfect fit, for others they have an ever revolving door and though some of the friendships have lasted, kids who once actually referred to me as Mommy are no longer in the inner or outer circle. Still others really struggled to find a friend group until much later. So there’s definitely no one size fits all solution to friends.

The first thing to consider is - what works best for this child? Do they do better in small or large groups? Do they enjoy one on one more than group time? Understanding your child’s personality and working with it is essential. All too often, we impose our idea of friends on our kids and it isn’t working for them because it isn’t them. Think of scenarios where you’ve watched social butterflies overprogam their kids and seen the overload and the child retreating into themselves.  It’s one thing to make sure your child has the skills to be in a group setting, another to impose it on them on a regular basis. It’s especially hard to accept this when it has implications on your own social life. If you’re part of a friend group that gathers often and your child is resistant to going or seems to be on the sidelines because they don’t enjoy it - it may be time to rethink those gathering times. Not every child enjoys loads of social time and still others enjoy only larger groups and find one on one situations boring. Try and observe your child and figure out their most comfortable setting and create situations which are conducive to them.

Second, suggestions and encouragement are useful - forcing is counter productive. Honestly this is kind of a general rule of thumb with kids but it’s crucial when it comes to their social life. Even as small kids, they feel the pressure of being forced into situations. Instead of having the desired effect (child becomes engaged and fast friends with the child in question ) it usually has the opposite effect and the kids are more reticent and less inclined to interact.  When it comes to teens, having opinions about their friends seems lethal! I have found that if I encourage a friendship too strongly the child withdraws from it faster and if I dislike the company they’re keeping and am vocal about it - they’ll keep that company more but often do it elsewhere, where I can’t oversee or get to know what they’re getting into. Now don’t get me wrong - there are ways to steer kids towards better friends - but the straight up honesty that we use in other situations often falls flat or works against us when it comes to friendships.

Let’s break the issues down here - to start with we’ll talk about younger kids (anywhere from toddler to younger elementary). For these kids it is easier to create conducive situations for friendships. After heeding step 1, understanding the dynamic that works best, you can help foster those situations for the child. If they do well in one on one, find play dates that can give them chances to bond. If group activities work, classes or parks or other gathering spaces give them a chance to find the right kids and bond with them. Don’t assume the girl next door or your closest friends child is automatically going to be their social life. If that works, great, but it doesn’t always. If you see your child struggling in these situations - I strongly suggest role playing with them after the fact. Show them how to approach someone they don’t know well. If they have trouble with the conversations - give them some starting ideas. They pick things up very fast even when it doesn’t come totally naturally. Once they’re comfortable enough and find kids who they like they will ease into these themselves. It’s like little kid ice breakers.

For teens it is a different ballpark. Mostly teens you’ll be concerned about either struggle to find a group or get in with the wrong crowd.  I'll go backwards here and address the teens that are in a group you find less than ideal.  Word to the wise, don't be too vocal about their friends personally.  When the opportunity arises to talk, talk about behaviors you don't like or social pressures kids have to deal with.  Attacking their friends individually will turn them defensive.  Try as you may, I don't think you can actually break up friendships that you don't find healthy, but you can try and remind your child, in calm times, the healthy and positive behaviors that you miss seeing when they're around friends who bring them down.  Again, I'd be hesitant to dive too deep or harp on it too often since teens have a way of digging in their heels when they feel opposition.

For the teens struggling to find their place - this one in a lot of ways is harder.  Loneliness is real and painful.  Acknowledge their struggle.  If they are open to talking about it, try and problem solve with them about why they aren't finding friends and what is going on at school/around town that is making it difficult.  You may find they're being singled out or bullied because they aren't run of the mill.  Try to help them find alternate situations where there are different kids - sometimes the kids in their school class are just not the right fit.  Since they spend the majority of their time with them, by force not by choice, they may feel stuck and in a rut.  Opening them up to new opportunities where the social structure is different can be a game changer.

And when it comes to issues with friendships, encourage openness.  Try to make them know that you are always a friend to them, you have their back.  If they want to be heard without comment, you'll be their sounding board.  If they want advice, you can give that too.  Let home be a safe space for them where there isn't the same social pressures they're facing out in the real world.  When they know you understand them and are supporting instead of pressuring them to make it work, you may find an entirely different child in there who is ready to talk and eventually ready for suggestions.  Discuss loyalty and dependability. Discuss how to be a real friend.  Discuss how real friends sometimes compromise.  Discuss how real friends come to parents when there are safety issues, even if it feels like tattling.  Talk and keep the discussions going.