Inevitably there comes a time when every one of us is tapped out. There is not a parent in the world who doesn't get to a point where they are just DONE. I honestly think that no matter how hard you try, this will happen to every one of you at some point in your parenting. I'm not being a naysayer - I'm just being honest. And I want you to realize it is OK to be done every once in a while. I've heard of more than a few Mommy Time Outs people have needed.
When the kids are younger and there is more physical exhaustion to contend with you think you're tired, but when the kids hit their teen years and there are no diapers to change - the exhaustion takes on a whole different meaning. You need to attend to yourself at all stages - because parenthood shouldn't totally define your view of yourself.
What I want to discuss is more about how to prevent getting to a point where you are so tapped out that it takes a toll on your life and your family. Where you let it go too far for too long and lose a little of who you are. And often you lose who you are as a couple in the mix of who you are as parents.
Before you think - that is not the kind of person I am and that will never happen to me - let me just be honest - it totally happened to me at a certain point in my kids teen years. I always thought of myself as first a mother and next a wife and third a person. I'm not telling you my priorities were totally messed up but I do think I was making a huge mistake.
There I was, 37 years old with 2 small children and inundated by the older kids who had suddenly become teenagers. I thought I had the whole parenting thing figured out and understood the routine but all of that confidence had ebbed - suddenly my teenagers couldn't stop telling me how wrong I was, irrelevant, hypocritical - every step I took felt like it was in the wrong direction. I was facing scenarios I had no experience with and no idea how to proceed with - and yet I was the Mom and was supposed to know what I was doing.
In my opinion - the order should probably be first I'm a person, a unique and talented individual who has loads to contribute to this world. Next, I'm a mom and a wife. I have roles that I play and those are essential but they don't define the sum total of who I am.
Why is this distinction so important? The truth of the matter is that mothers and fathers who never take the time out to be individuals lose some of themselves. Don’t forget you will have a life once your kids leave the house also - if for no other reason keep that in mind. You need to keep developing in life - you need to have a growth mindset. You need time to rest and recharge and continuously define who and what you are and what your personal goals are. When your kids are young it seems almost impossible to get those moments for yourself but they are crucial. One thing I think I didn't realize is that even small things make a difference. There is almost never a time when you can't make ANY time. A car running on empty can't drive forever. Try to remember a time before you had a spouse and kids - I'm sure there were so many self nurturing things you did to keep going. Increased responsibility shouldn't make those things less important. They are far more difficult to prioritize but that actually makes them more important, not less.
I think it is important every once in a while to do something big (like a trip away without kids) and I think its really nice to get a date night often (but full disclosure - if we get one every 3-4 months we're lucky) but those are not the only things that self nurture. You need regular scheduled time where you can be an adult and an individual and other times just a couple.
If planning a night out or a trip away without kids is too hard (which it is for many parents) - then find little things you can do to get breaks. Play a game at night after your kids go to bed. Take a walk. Join a gym with babysitting and make a point to get there at least twice a week. Find an exercise class that meets early and make the effort to go. Find a study partner and learn something together. Go to the library and get a book on a topic you know nothing about and learn it. Whatever it is - keep yourself engaged. Everyone has different avenues to do this (mine is almost always exercise - I could go on a lot about the benefits from a health and mind/body wellness perspective but I'll only do that if people request an exercise how to post). Volunteer somewhere other than your kids school - a community organization or a cause that means a lot to you (warning - don't over commit on this even if you think it is your self nurturing time because it tends to impact your family if you do and then you'll find it more a drain on you than a self nurturing setting). It doesn't matter what form your self nurturing time takes - you need to make it a priority.
In the end of the day your kids are actually going to manage without you and your house likely won't fall apart from a little neglect if that is what it takes. If you have a supportive partner, hopefully they won't allow that to happen - they'll pick up the pieces when you get to be out and you won't suffer from it after. Sometimes we need to encourage our partners to make this time for themselves if they don't know how to as well. The end result is a better parent who has more time and energy to give to their kids. And kids who see balance. And a house which is healthier.
Let's be honest - there will still be days you're gonna be DONE - but you, the person who you are and the human in you - will be thriving and well.
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