For those of you who follow the media, this past week had yet another case of an educator who sadly had problems with child pornography and apparently may have even used his students to fuel his erroneous behavior. These stories break our hearts and fill them with dread. In a world where so much happens virtually, when meeting face to face is becoming more rare by the day, how can we protect our kids from people who may do terrible things to them? This is a question I really grapple with. Most of us take the approach that we must allow our kids some amount of access to the digital world - for the majority of kids if you don’t expose them to it they will find ways to get to it without you - so how can we at the same time protect them and expose them to these possibilities? In a discussion this past weekend, someone mentioned to me that often these predators pose as teenagers and “it’s just the way things are that kids think it’s normal to send pictures to each other.” It really got me to thinking about what, if anything, we can teach the kids to protect themselves and respect themselves. In my opinion, those are two distinct items and both need to be addressed to have this conversation.
Let's start with some practical safety. Kids need to learn both internet safety and general rules of dealing with adults.
To begin with, internet safety is something that has become a part of many school curricula. The school that my children attend has a curriculum called digital citizenship which I’ve been impressed with - they start at a young age and really try and help the kids understand the power and dangers of the internet and how to avoid them. If your child's school doesn't have something like this in place, I'd highly recommend petitioning for it. I've noticed a distinct change in my younger kids approach to an online presence from this program. I think its essential they start early, before most kids even have their own devices, since these behaviors are far easier to mold then to change once they've already started their online habits and social media presence they present to the world. It is never too late, of course, to create good boundaries and habits. As far as home is concerned, I think it is essential for kids to share all passwords with their parents, so you have the ability to log in at any time and check what has been happening. This shouldn't be solely at times you are worried, make a habit of checking in regularly. I discussed some of the technology issues we face with kids in a previous post on technology so I don't want to get too detailed on that front, just to remind parents that there is a huge world out there and your kids will, if left unchecked, most likely have a lot of exposure you don't necessarily want if you aren't on top of it.
As for general safety with adults, a wise pediatrician once counseled parents to teach their kids a basic rule - no adult will ever need your help with a private part of their body. If they ever ask you to help them with a private part, immediately leave and get your parent. If you can't, then tell your parents right away once you are out of the situation. This is something I hadn't previously thought about - a good approach to teach your kids how to protect themselves. I had always approached this from the angle of the child, if you ever need help with something on your own body - you can ask a parent or Doctor to help, but never another adult. And if an adult tells you they need to help you, say no and tell a parent. I think both angles are essential.
Once we have established these basic safety guidelines for the kids - I think we have a completely separate issue to address to try and protect kids from predators and anyone else who may take advantage of their naivete. When I talk to my kids about romantic relationships, I try to approach it from a perspective of respect. People who care about each other must respect each other. I know it is difficult for many people to have these conversations, but it is important. I explain that when you love someone enough to want to share your physical self with them, it needs to come from a place of deep respect because no one who cares about you should ever put you in a position where you are merely a physical object to them. And I am honest that once you introduce this aspect into your relationship, things change. It is so important for them to understand that a relationship must be able to stand on its own feet before you add a physical element to it. Regardless of your religious beliefs, whether you feel marriage is the first time there can be intimacy or if you feel it is appropriate to introduce at another stage in a relationship, I think everyone will agree that respect and love come first, intimacy second. If we can help our children to truly understand and value themselves this way, I don't think they'd easily share indecent photos of themselves over the internet with anyone. I am in no way blaming any child that fell prey to this, I am only trying to help others realize that even if the person on the other end of that line is another teen or someone they even want to eventually get to a physical point with, that is not the respectful way anyone who values them would get to that point.
There is no simple way to protect our children from the myriad of issues which can come at them from the world as it is, it is complicated and there are so truly disturbed people out there who will find ways to take advantage of them - but we can try our best to build as many walls for them as possible and pray each day that no one finds a way to breach them.
Tuesday, September 24, 2019
Sunday, September 15, 2019
Coparenting
Before I start, wanted to say sorry I missed last week - I got the unique opportunity to get away from everything for a few days and I soaked in the sun and sand and atmosphere and didn’t log onto a computer aside from checking work emails a few times. Always nice to get that break and I am truly grateful. It did, however, give me time to think about a topic I’ve wanted to discuss for a while - how to coparent. This kind of seems like an easy question - we decide to partner with someone for life and start a family with them - of course we should easily be able to coparent with them. It does seem logical but I don’t believe that it is at all. Let’s be real - how many of us even discussed how we’d parent before we had our kids? Maybe some people had big ideas about the type of parent they would be - but specifics of day to day? I can’t count the number of times one parent tells me that their spouse disciplines their kids a certain way and it drives them crazy - one parent believes they need to yell to prove a point to a child and the other is against yelling ever. One parent believes in the need to let the baby cry to sleep and the other can’t handle it. There are so many examples of this I could likely list a page worth but you get my drift - it’s challenging to coparent and strategize together about how to approach our kids and yet we must. So what’s the best way to approach this crucial piece of our daily lives to create a unified and consistent approach for our kids that we can both agree on and be comfortable with?
Like most things in life - there is no magic button answer. But there are things we can discuss and think about which will help us plan our approach. The first and most important step in my opinion is to start the discussion. I’ve noticed that all too often in life and especially in relationships, people shy away from talking about topics that are difficult or cause conflict. Yes, it is hard to talk about things that you know you disagree about - but you need to. There’s no real good way to say that part of it. Life isn’t all butterflies and rainbows and we’re gonna have hard topics and situations but remember you’re in it together.
Second, I strongly advise not to approach it in the moment and definitely not in front of the kids in the moment. Your kids shouldn’t see you challenging the authority of your partner. I must admit this to be my weakest spot in life - when I see it I say it - and I have to work so hard to bite my tongue and remember after the fact to address an approach I didn’t like. In your children’s mind, you should be united and on the same side. It is so easy for kids to try to play parents against each other - especially as they get older and want to manipulate situations - so don’t give them the chance. But also, like so many things, approaching it in the moment makes people defensive and in a state of defensiveness you aren’t open to much. If your partner is struggling with a child’s rude behavior or lack of responsiveness to authority and, for example, they raise their voice to the child (something you can’t stand) - the worst thing to do at that moment would be challenge their authority. You’ve not only diminished their authority in the child’s eyes but you’ve kind of beaten them while they’re down and that would damage their own perception of their parenting. It creates a situation between you where you are introducing conflict and that is not conducive to coparenting. A better way to deal with this would be after the fact, once their own upset has passed and you’re not in the child’s presence - to discuss how it makes you feel when you see a child being yelled at (or better yet when someone yells at you). Talk about alternative approaches to the behavior and voice your disagreement for the approach. I think giving concrete alternatives helps a lot (the key difference between criticism and constructive criticism).
Third, you’re not always gonna win the day - this is very hard to accept, especially for people who have strong opinions. There are two parents and usually that will mean there are situations where you feel one way and your partner feels a different way. It’s easy to talk about compromising in life theoretically but let’s be honest, there are things that you can’t compromise about. Sometimes it’s my way or your way. And you can’t always have your way. So think about what things are critical for you and what you’re more flexible about. Whether it is yelling or spanking or condescending talk or whatever your hot button topic is, your can’t be crossed line, lay it out clearly. If there are things you dislike but don’t think are as important - don’t harp on them. It is important not to make every thing a discussion. This can be really hard for people - especially stronger minded people who are used to voicing their opinions. No one wants to hear that everything they do is the wrong approach.
Last, but definitely not least, make sure to complement your partner on their wins - on the times they do a great job with the kids and handle a particularly difficult situation with calm and grace and the exact right approach. None of us are immune to praise and we all need a lot of it when it comes to handling tough times with our kids. Parenting can be a real challenge at times and it feels so good to know and appreciate when you got it right on the first try. Seems silly but believe me it really is not.
And let me be honest, sometimes when I think these things through and write about them I think it sounds unattainable - like for real who is gonna stop and think in the moment and reroute their every move with their kids? But then I think that life is really a work in progress and that’s our job as people - to keep attempting to grow and improve - so we gotta keep plugging and eventually we will get it. And with parenting especially we gotta keep trying because, like many things, we get better with age and time and experience so the more we think about and scrutinize ourselves the better our chances of getting it right the next time.
Like most things in life - there is no magic button answer. But there are things we can discuss and think about which will help us plan our approach. The first and most important step in my opinion is to start the discussion. I’ve noticed that all too often in life and especially in relationships, people shy away from talking about topics that are difficult or cause conflict. Yes, it is hard to talk about things that you know you disagree about - but you need to. There’s no real good way to say that part of it. Life isn’t all butterflies and rainbows and we’re gonna have hard topics and situations but remember you’re in it together.
Second, I strongly advise not to approach it in the moment and definitely not in front of the kids in the moment. Your kids shouldn’t see you challenging the authority of your partner. I must admit this to be my weakest spot in life - when I see it I say it - and I have to work so hard to bite my tongue and remember after the fact to address an approach I didn’t like. In your children’s mind, you should be united and on the same side. It is so easy for kids to try to play parents against each other - especially as they get older and want to manipulate situations - so don’t give them the chance. But also, like so many things, approaching it in the moment makes people defensive and in a state of defensiveness you aren’t open to much. If your partner is struggling with a child’s rude behavior or lack of responsiveness to authority and, for example, they raise their voice to the child (something you can’t stand) - the worst thing to do at that moment would be challenge their authority. You’ve not only diminished their authority in the child’s eyes but you’ve kind of beaten them while they’re down and that would damage their own perception of their parenting. It creates a situation between you where you are introducing conflict and that is not conducive to coparenting. A better way to deal with this would be after the fact, once their own upset has passed and you’re not in the child’s presence - to discuss how it makes you feel when you see a child being yelled at (or better yet when someone yells at you). Talk about alternative approaches to the behavior and voice your disagreement for the approach. I think giving concrete alternatives helps a lot (the key difference between criticism and constructive criticism).
Third, you’re not always gonna win the day - this is very hard to accept, especially for people who have strong opinions. There are two parents and usually that will mean there are situations where you feel one way and your partner feels a different way. It’s easy to talk about compromising in life theoretically but let’s be honest, there are things that you can’t compromise about. Sometimes it’s my way or your way. And you can’t always have your way. So think about what things are critical for you and what you’re more flexible about. Whether it is yelling or spanking or condescending talk or whatever your hot button topic is, your can’t be crossed line, lay it out clearly. If there are things you dislike but don’t think are as important - don’t harp on them. It is important not to make every thing a discussion. This can be really hard for people - especially stronger minded people who are used to voicing their opinions. No one wants to hear that everything they do is the wrong approach.
Last, but definitely not least, make sure to complement your partner on their wins - on the times they do a great job with the kids and handle a particularly difficult situation with calm and grace and the exact right approach. None of us are immune to praise and we all need a lot of it when it comes to handling tough times with our kids. Parenting can be a real challenge at times and it feels so good to know and appreciate when you got it right on the first try. Seems silly but believe me it really is not.
And let me be honest, sometimes when I think these things through and write about them I think it sounds unattainable - like for real who is gonna stop and think in the moment and reroute their every move with their kids? But then I think that life is really a work in progress and that’s our job as people - to keep attempting to grow and improve - so we gotta keep plugging and eventually we will get it. And with parenting especially we gotta keep trying because, like many things, we get better with age and time and experience so the more we think about and scrutinize ourselves the better our chances of getting it right the next time.
Tuesday, September 3, 2019
Back to School Transitions - Part 2
Last week we discussed how to ease our transition into the start of the school year. This week I wanted to toss out a few ideas of how to make this time smoother for the kids themselves. The first thing I notice when my kids go back to school is the instant negativity towards homework (especially for the more advanced years of school when it’s no longer cool to have homework) and how any teacher that impinges on their precious free time at home after school immediately turns into Enemy #1. Another thing I notice for some kids is the struggle with organization. This may manifest itself in so many ways - messy lockers, what seem to be black hole backpacks and disorganized thought processes when they have to sit down and buckle down.
I think the first thing to stress to ourselves when our kids are in school is that this is their experience and not ours. It’s not a contest of whether they achieve certain grades or turn in homework with every answer correct. It’s about learning and the process of learning. So try to keep this in mind when they are doing their homework - answer their questions but do your best to encourage the process - give them leading answers, if that makes sense. Don't outright tell them what it is - try and help them come to the answers themselves. Yes, this takes far more time but in the end they will learn two skills - 1. whatever the teacher was teaching them 2. that THEY CAN DO IT and to trust their thought process.
As far as the homework itself goes - try and work with your child to figure out the best way to make it the least painful experience. Not every child can come home from a long day of school, grab a bite and dive right in. Yet putting it off seems so difficult - how can you get them to sit back down after playing and chilling to actually get the assignments done? I've found with my kids that some of them figure this out on their own, naturally being academic or organized enough to get the work done, while others really struggled. Mostly, I've taken the approach that their is no "set" time for homework for the household - although that is a lot more work on my part - but I've tried to figure out over the years what works best for each kid. If they are the type, I say buckle down, get it over with and then have your evening to yourself. But if they are the type who just needs time to zone out, we set a specific time for the homework (usually for these type of kids, after dinner because it is also unfair to everyone to have to wait for them once they couldn't conform with the house schedule) and let them sit themselves down, with a reminder if needed, to approach it in their own good time. This is especially crucial to work on as they get towards middle and high school where the days at school get longer and the homework builds up to sometimes an unbearable workload - they have to learn how to pace themselves and not just assume they can get it done fast because it becomes harder and harder to do.
A good thing to remember - if they seemed overwhelmed even under the best conditions - talk to the teacher. Most teachers didn't send the homework to make the kids miserable. If it is taking an inordinate amount of time - they probably either misunderstood the assignment or are struggling in class with the material. Most teachers are very nice and reasonable human beings who will work with you to pinpoint the issue and will adjust the assignments, if needed. If the kids are in older grades, try and have them self advocate before you dive in - but if it isn't working and they don't know how to approach it or the teacher doesn't seem to be responsive, get involved. Meet with the teacher and them together, if they're older and can't do it solo, so they learn how to work through the issues.
As far as organization goes - I'm a huge proponent of setting up systems for success. One of my children has a massive executive dysfunction. For those not familiar, this, in layman's terms, basically means the center for organization in her brain doesn't work properly and the neuro-pathways that should exist to connect how to organize specific things were (in her case) destroyed by invasive treatments. For some kids, they were born this way and just don't have the ability to do many tasks that involve organization. Transitions also prove difficult for kids with executive dysfunction (and lots of other kids who don't do well with change). One of the best things that a neuro-psychologist taught me when she was in grade school was that you can actually rebuild these pathways through modeling. A very useful tool to do this is by making checklists. Checklists break down tasks into their smaller pieces and help kids learn the steps needed to get the job done. Applying this to the transition to school - I used to make checklists til they were growing out of my ears. What to do to get out the door in the morning (teeth brushed? backpack? lunch in the bag? etc), after school checklist (homework complete? in backpack? check online hw assignments? does anything need to be brought to school tomorrow?). List away, my friends, most kids love to check off items and this helps any child, not just ones who struggle with organization, learn how to break their tasks up and get in order. Using this approach to schoolwork itself can also help - its useful for writing essays (breaking the general into its parts and learning how to tie them together), chunking assignments, etc. We can discuss this in another post.
Another system we created that was a lifesaver as school became more complex and there were closer to 6 or 8 classes instead of the two parts to the day of elementary school was using the colors of the rainbow to organize the day. Starting with first period, every class had a color, in rainbow order - notebook, binder, folder. Inside the locker, I installed mini shelves and had the day set up in order so she could transition from class to class easily. I can proudly tell you that she is actually in college now and sets up her own systems - a real testament to the ability to rebuild these pathways in the brain!
I think the key to all of this is to help set kids up for success - school is not a happy place for all kids, our education system doesn't necessarily understand each child's unique mind and how to work with it, but we, as parents, can try and figure out the pieces to the school experience and work with how to help our kids best gain from it and flourish.
Happy school year all!
I think the first thing to stress to ourselves when our kids are in school is that this is their experience and not ours. It’s not a contest of whether they achieve certain grades or turn in homework with every answer correct. It’s about learning and the process of learning. So try to keep this in mind when they are doing their homework - answer their questions but do your best to encourage the process - give them leading answers, if that makes sense. Don't outright tell them what it is - try and help them come to the answers themselves. Yes, this takes far more time but in the end they will learn two skills - 1. whatever the teacher was teaching them 2. that THEY CAN DO IT and to trust their thought process.
As far as the homework itself goes - try and work with your child to figure out the best way to make it the least painful experience. Not every child can come home from a long day of school, grab a bite and dive right in. Yet putting it off seems so difficult - how can you get them to sit back down after playing and chilling to actually get the assignments done? I've found with my kids that some of them figure this out on their own, naturally being academic or organized enough to get the work done, while others really struggled. Mostly, I've taken the approach that their is no "set" time for homework for the household - although that is a lot more work on my part - but I've tried to figure out over the years what works best for each kid. If they are the type, I say buckle down, get it over with and then have your evening to yourself. But if they are the type who just needs time to zone out, we set a specific time for the homework (usually for these type of kids, after dinner because it is also unfair to everyone to have to wait for them once they couldn't conform with the house schedule) and let them sit themselves down, with a reminder if needed, to approach it in their own good time. This is especially crucial to work on as they get towards middle and high school where the days at school get longer and the homework builds up to sometimes an unbearable workload - they have to learn how to pace themselves and not just assume they can get it done fast because it becomes harder and harder to do.
A good thing to remember - if they seemed overwhelmed even under the best conditions - talk to the teacher. Most teachers didn't send the homework to make the kids miserable. If it is taking an inordinate amount of time - they probably either misunderstood the assignment or are struggling in class with the material. Most teachers are very nice and reasonable human beings who will work with you to pinpoint the issue and will adjust the assignments, if needed. If the kids are in older grades, try and have them self advocate before you dive in - but if it isn't working and they don't know how to approach it or the teacher doesn't seem to be responsive, get involved. Meet with the teacher and them together, if they're older and can't do it solo, so they learn how to work through the issues.
As far as organization goes - I'm a huge proponent of setting up systems for success. One of my children has a massive executive dysfunction. For those not familiar, this, in layman's terms, basically means the center for organization in her brain doesn't work properly and the neuro-pathways that should exist to connect how to organize specific things were (in her case) destroyed by invasive treatments. For some kids, they were born this way and just don't have the ability to do many tasks that involve organization. Transitions also prove difficult for kids with executive dysfunction (and lots of other kids who don't do well with change). One of the best things that a neuro-psychologist taught me when she was in grade school was that you can actually rebuild these pathways through modeling. A very useful tool to do this is by making checklists. Checklists break down tasks into their smaller pieces and help kids learn the steps needed to get the job done. Applying this to the transition to school - I used to make checklists til they were growing out of my ears. What to do to get out the door in the morning (teeth brushed? backpack? lunch in the bag? etc), after school checklist (homework complete? in backpack? check online hw assignments? does anything need to be brought to school tomorrow?). List away, my friends, most kids love to check off items and this helps any child, not just ones who struggle with organization, learn how to break their tasks up and get in order. Using this approach to schoolwork itself can also help - its useful for writing essays (breaking the general into its parts and learning how to tie them together), chunking assignments, etc. We can discuss this in another post.
Another system we created that was a lifesaver as school became more complex and there were closer to 6 or 8 classes instead of the two parts to the day of elementary school was using the colors of the rainbow to organize the day. Starting with first period, every class had a color, in rainbow order - notebook, binder, folder. Inside the locker, I installed mini shelves and had the day set up in order so she could transition from class to class easily. I can proudly tell you that she is actually in college now and sets up her own systems - a real testament to the ability to rebuild these pathways in the brain!
I think the key to all of this is to help set kids up for success - school is not a happy place for all kids, our education system doesn't necessarily understand each child's unique mind and how to work with it, but we, as parents, can try and figure out the pieces to the school experience and work with how to help our kids best gain from it and flourish.
Happy school year all!
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