In 2021, I started to consider the idea of training for a marathon for the first time. When I tossed it out on a track run one morning, my friend Shlomo immediately said “before you even think about it, you have to know your WHY.” I didn't even hesitate and said "of course I know my why. I'm a mom who has been so busy caring for everyone else for so many years, it's time to focus on me." I thought it was a funny question for a mom. Running is the only ME time I was getting - it seemed a no brainer to take on more of that. Bless my ignorance! You want more ME time - train for a 5k, 10k, even a half. You definitely don’t need a marathon to get ME time. Get your nails done or take a quiet walk. But I was naive and thought I got it. We were coming off COVID, I was coming off several years of parenting multiple teens, my husband launching his own company, and a host of other things that together had made for some very stressful years. I thought I knew my WHY.
As that first training cycle progressed - I learned a lot about marathon training. I learned even more about myself. Marathon long runs take more than time and effort - they take determination, persistence and a whole lot of self confidence you thought you had until you hit mile X and everything comes crashing down on you. There’s so much more mental work than I ever imagined. To put it mildly, there’s a lot of soul-searching by mile 17… You have to keep at it even when you’re tired, sore, unmotivated. You realize a whole new meaning to the idea that nothing worthwhile comes without hard work, blood, sweat and tears. I learned so much that first go-round. My first race didn’t turn out as planned (read my post on it here) but I learned more and more about the WHY and I thought I got it. I worked on mental fortitude, believing in myself and still I knew I had so much more to learn.
I ran an off the books marathon ((read about it here) without the race trimmings and medals to show myself I could. It was perfect, time and effort. I thought I might be done...but of course I signed up for another official marathon the next year. I battled injury and made it through the race (post here) and felt on top of the world. I really thought I got what the WHY meant.
I took a year off of marathons and built up my base. I ran and swam and strength trained. I married off another child and welcomed another grandchild into my life. The chaos was amazing but I felt I had to prove to myself I still had it in me. I thought I might need another goal. I wanted to recreate my unofficial race in actual race conditions. I went back and forth about whether to give it another go but then the world around me devolved into war and chaos. I put off the idea of signing up. Then my husband surprised me with tickets to run a marathon abroad that he knew I was toying with (no pressure, we can just have a fun trip there...he said) and I the figured fourth time around I will have conquered the doubts - I know what I’m capable of. My WHY has been so clear to me for so long -- I got this.
Like giving birth, we get fuzzy on the details of things past but we remember the glory. I am going through the process now, trying to grow from and enjoy the journey. Set mental goals for myself. I tell myself not to attach to outcomes, to just work step by step through the process. Some runs are euphoric, some are a slog. I vacillate between anticipation and nerves. The WHY becomes hazy, I try and figure out what it is that’s driving me, that pushes me. I think I have this luxury. And then one day, everything changes.
Pause. Rewind 20+ years. I lost my Dad when I was 23 to a heart attack. Even before he died, heart health was a big ticket item in our house. He knew he had coronary artery disease - we have some super Ashkenazi Jewish genes when it comes to cardiac health. My Dad was a vegan, a runner and on top of it all. His death came as a shock and the trauma from losing him is something I have worked through for years. You're too young to lose a parent in your 20's - they're supposed to be there to see you grow up for real. Since his passing, heart health has always been on my WHY list. I've tried to live a healthy lifestyle, to eat well and exercise. I thought I might be able to outrun the genetic pool (literally) or take after the other side ... and all of that seemed to be working. Turns out that all of that was good work, but it didn't stop the gene pool from picking me. I found out I have one of the genetic cardiac issues that run in the family. Thankfully, G-d sent me a great Dr. who ran the right tests and found the problem and we're working on it - but my reality has changed. Prevention mode over, fight mode on.
So back to the WHY.
So much truth stares us down and we just don’t make eye contact. The WHY isn’t one thing - it never is. We are complex humans. What drives us changes as we change. What pushes us forward evolves as the world evolves. If we are lucky, we grow and change. We figure out our disparate parts and try to find a way to fit them together.
There are so many distinct parts of the WHY, none more true that the other. There is no one WHY. It is multifaceted. I thought the WHY was all about me, but it turns out this changed my perspective. In the end of the day, if I have to dig deep - the WHY was always THEM, not ME. I have been working and shaping and creating the person I want to be for my children. I want to refill the cup to give to them. And their kids. It is complicated yet fairly simple - I want to be around for them. I want to be the best version of me and give the best that I can so that they have what they need to thrive. It is probably what every mother wants deep down at the end of the day. You might not need to run marathons to discover it...
I know I'll still have days when I forget the WHY, when I have a long run looming and I'm not sure I have what it takes - but I also know that I'll keep fighting every day - every mom has a dose of warrior running through her veins.
“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
So take a minute or two - think about what makes ...
Whole Happy You
What Heals You
Discover your WHY.
(This quote was in my weekly journal on the week I got the news. Hello universe, I’m listening …)
