Back to School Transitions

We’re at that time of year where some parents are counting the seconds until the kids go back to school and routine and others are dreading the return to schedule and the loss of freedom. As parents we all have different views of summer break and everyone is entitled to their take on the off time. Personally I’m in the category of people who will miss the long days and minimal schedule that summer has to offer. When I was home with my kids, summer was my favorite time of year where we would Mommy Camp our days and I didn’t have to think about things like carpool and homework. Just about the only downside to summers for me was the house mess that came along with the freedom.

Kids approach the start of school with an equal amount of mixed feelings. I think the back to school excitement usually wanes with the advancing of grades - let’s be honest it’s much more exciting to go into first grade than it is to start 7th.  Learning is still exciting and adventurous at that point. But whether you have a 5 year old or a 15 year old, many kids struggle with the transition. Add to this the number of kids who struggle with issues related to executive functioning and the difficulties of transitions are amplified.

All of which brings me to my discussion for today - just a few short thoughts on how to help parents make the transition back to school easier for themselves.  I know this discussion should include tips for kids transition as well but I find that posts that are too long may lose some people so I will attempt either a second go-round this week or to make that next weeks topic.

I think today we’ll start with parents. I can’t keep track of the things we’ve discussed in the various topics we’ve covered since I started writing this blog so if this is a repeat please accept my apologies. My least favorite tasks related to school are lunches and homework. I used to feel that every day was a challenge when the kids came home I’d be doing the homework, getting dinner made and served and then having to figure out what to put in their lunches for the next day. It was a little bit like being on a task treadmill from the minute they walked in until they were tucked into bed. I missed getting QT with the kids that wasn’t task oriented. To help alleviate some of the pressure we started a lunches system that actually changed my life!  I credit this system to my sister who thought of it for her family and we adopted it. On Sunday’s we packed the weeks lunches. Yes, this required a bit of fridge space and maneuvering and it is definitely not a solution for everyone but even if you can’t adopt the totality of it, there are pieces that can help. The way I did it was I bagged all the snacks, veggies, fruits, etc and the kids then assembled their lunches (5 lined up) with my help as the quality control check. Each child picked a main, 2 snacks, a fruit and veggie for each lunch. People whose kids are more particular about mains or who need fresh sandwiches could do the lunches without the mains and just stick the main in the night before or that morning (most of my kids used to take yogurts as mains so it was easy but now my youngest daughter can’t do dairy and she seems to choose veggies and chummus or a sandwich and happily lets me make those Sunday so I just got lucky). Whichever way you may choose to adopt this - I think the idea is to look at the things in our daily life which most frustrate us and see if there’s a way to change those things because sometimes when we are so dragged down by the details we forget that not all aggravations are necessary ones and usually there is a better solution out there if we are willing to try.

Homework is another area that I find frustrating. As someone who spent a few years in the teaching arena, I have my own opinions about the usefulness of homework. While I actually believe you need homework in areas like math - I’m not convinced most of the rest of it has educational benefits for most kids. Especially if your child is in a dual curriculum with a long day - I mostly believe kids should be allowed to be kids when they get home and should spend whatever is left of their afternoons outside absorbing the fresh air and playing. But homework is a reality and most parents have to decide the best approach to it. Different strokes for different folks here. I think some kids need to get it out of the way when they walk in the door and others need time before they attack it. Every parent should feel out their child’s personality in order to figure out the best way to get this task done with the least amount of fighting or pushing. One thing I can say universally- your child’s teacher did not mean for you to sit down and do the homework with them. Be available for guidance and clarifications but that’s all. Sitting with them, critiquing and “helping” really teaches them that they themselves do t have the skills for the task at hand. Be in touch with your child’s teachers in an open and honest way if you see them struggling to master the material or if they’re spending excessive time on it. Yes, inevitably some will have old school attitudes and may not be helpful - but hopefully by 2019 most will be more interested in a good healthy partnership with you, the parent, to create educational success for your child. And don’t wait until you and your child are at the end of your rope to have the talk. I can’t tell you how many times I went to teachers when we had spent. If he after night in tears and my kid was beyond themselves trying to figure out what the assignment was or how to get it all done just to have a listening and caring ear on the other end tell me that wasn’t at all what was intended for the assignment and how they wish I had called sooner.

To sum it up - transitions are hard for us parents as well - we need to find tools and tricks to help ease the adjustment and to make this time less stressful. Most of us have very busy houses and lives and each time we add something it can be that piece that tips the scales for us. If we step back and attempt to break these times and tasks into their pieces and find some solutions for them I hope it can make it an easier and less stressful time for ourselves and our families.

Where did they hear that from?

Sometimes, a topic comes to me from so many places it is almost like the universe is giving me a message and I just need to listen and heed it.  This week's topic started off with different conversations on different topics with completely different people, talking about a variety of subjects but all pointing to the same conclusion.  It was solidified, however, by a bizarre encounter at the park with my kids this weekend.

A complete stranger showed up at our neighborhood park with her one year old daughter.  Her daughter was very adorable and seemed to be struggling with getting her shoe on well enough to walk.  So my 10 year old, ever enchanted by cute babies, went over to help her out.  The mom then proceeded to talk to him and what she said went from odd and bizarre to bewildering.  To make a long story short, she started off by telling him how she had two children who were 14 years apart and ended off by sharing with him that she had "sacrificed her son so she could live a better life here in America."  My son was so confused by her story that he thought she had lost the child (taking the sacrifice as a literal one) and finally she made her message clear to him - she had left her son in Africa with relatives when he was four years old to pursue her dreams of a better life in America.  And so, she told him, sometime when he was older he would understand that sometimes you need to sacrifice to get what you want in life and live your dream.

As I tried to find a way to extricate ourselves from this strange woman with her strange ideas without being flat out rude, I thought to myself how insane the message she was trying to give my child.  I also thought - how quickly can I undo what she just told him?  Everything she had been saying was completely antithetical to my own belief system and I desperately wanted my son to understand that this woman was wrong.  Thankfully, I needn't have worried too much.  As we made our way home, he turned to me and said that she was a crazy awful mother to leave her child.  And, though I told him we had no idea what the other pieces of her story were and therefore we couldn't judge her, that nonetheless let me explain what we believe.  And I told him, in no uncertain terms.  Once you are a parent, the priority in your life is to give your child everything that you can to make sure they have a good life with every opportunity you can possibly provide them, even if it means altering your own course in the process.  And he asked me, why then had she not sent her son to America and stayed if the choice was for only one of them to go?

Not to delve too deeply into this particular story, the whole exchange made me think - what are the most important things we want to impart to our children and how can we make sure we are the givers of that trove of information and not others?  Other discussions that had pointed me to this topic begged the same question - how and when do we decide to discuss things with our children without missing the boat and letting them get their facts and perspectives from other people?

This question goes to some fairly uncomfortable places for most parents.  Yes, it is easy to try and impart some piece of wisdom to our kids about benign topics - friendships, honesty, truth.  All of these are easy topics that we, if we choose to be thoughtful about our discussions, can find opportunities to discuss with our children.  But what about the topics that don't come easily, the very personal, very raw, very private things that we find hard to discuss with anyone?

To begin with, I think it is important to discuss the easy to approach topics.  If we stop to think about it, do we make time and opportunity to talk to our kids about these? Have we found ways to stop our busy lives and make time for thoughtful discussions with our kids? I am sure the answer to this, if the question was posed to most parents, would be split.  Some parents have made time and found ways, others are just living life from one day to the next and haven't made time for things like that.  For those in the latter category, I strongly encourage you to find a way to step back from life's every day demands and think about what you want to talk to your kids about yourself. And find opportunities.  There is so much misinformation in the world at large and kids absorb so much from every medium.  The messages are sometimes subtle but not always.  The media and game industry has messages that slip easily into their consciousness.  I don't mean to sound paranoid but merely honest.  The world is talking to them at every turn and if you have a message you want to get across to them, say it!  You don't get second chances to make first impressions and if there are topics you want them to hear your unique perspective about, make sure you share it.  I'm not encouraging long lectures to your kids, I'm encouraging discussions.  Talk to them, hear their thoughts, share yours.  The sooner you start doing this with your kids, the more you'll be amazed at how much they have to say about what is going on in the world around them.  I think it also opens the door for them to share things with you as they grow.  Kids can share and observe and absorb at every age and stage so whether you started this when they were young or you're coming to the realization in the middle of their teens, I still encourage you to start the practice.

Now, on to the harder to approach topics.  Recently there was a speech some friends of mine attended about marital intimacy in a religious community, definitely a hard to approach subject.  What amazed me, honestly, was how different their reactions to the same topic was.  And every one of them had one common theme - it is hard to approach certain topics but we need to approach them nonetheless.  That we live in a world where there are few voodoo topics and it is about time we embraced that and started the discussions ourselves.  Where we change the narrative by entering it.  And this, I believe, applies to so many hard to broach topics with our children.  If we ignore the topics, our children will get their information somewhere.  It may be friends, books, media - and it may be approached the way we want it to - or, more likely not.  It may be information and commonly it will be misinformation.  If you want the children to learn it from you, see it from your unique perspective, you need it to come from you.  Make opportunity to talk honestly.  I would advise, before approaching any of these topics, that you discuss them with your partner and together devise an approach to the topic.  One unified message, no secrets, brought gracefully and in unity to your children.

After the obvious discussions you have with your kids about regular topics, I would also encourage you to consider not only talking about common subjects people have trouble discussing with their kids - intimacy, love, etc but anything from mental health issues, family dynamics, painful experiences you had to heal from as a child.  Any number of topics can fall into this category.  Sometimes it is so painful and so personal - and yet so necessary.  Secrets have ways to come back and bite you, painfully, as time goes on.

Obviously I'm not advocating for sharing your trauma with your five year old, this has different implications at different ages.  But I am advocating for figuring out when and how to share levels of your personal journey, struggles, or otherwise with your children.  Don't let them hear it from that well meaning Aunt or cousin - don't let them guess and whisper and come to wrong conclusions secluded with their friends.  Tell them yourself.  Be honest.  Find a way to talk about what seems impossible.  And share without burdening. If you do have any painful subjects that they need to be enlightened about, make sure you frame it with your own strength, your ability to be past what is in the past.  Let them see growth from the painful and not wallowing.  I know one paragraph to approach such a topic is almost insulting, but when this opportunity arises, I obviously can't ignore it.

And so, after my strange park interaction, I'm left with a feeling of strange empowerment.  I think a lesson this odd stranger taught me was to find my voice, discuss things with my kids openly and plainly, and realize that you never know where they're going to get their information from and when, so take every chance you get to make it here and now and from you.

Teaching Mindfullness

About 14 years ago, my husband came up with a gift idea for me - he gave me a yoga class, along  with the promise that he'd come home and take over the night of the class so I could get out.  I had never before been to yoga and, to be honest, since I'm not the touchy feely type by nature, wasn't sure it was going to be my speed.  I went and instantly fell in love with it - the practice, the exertion, the rewards and most of all, the mindfulness skills I learned.  I took yoga for several years and even taught some on my own after I could no longer make time for scheduled classes.  Even since I stopped teaching, I continue to practice whenever I can fit it into my schedule.  One of the greatest lessons yoga has taught me is to learn to listen to and channel and control the noise of the world around me.  We live in a world full of chaos - forget even the electronics that permeate our every move- just the busy-ness of life - balancing home, school, work, family, etc - its a busy and chaotic space.  Learning how to tamp down the noise we don't need at any given moment and listen to what is going on inside our own selves is a skill that is hard but necessary.

You may be asking yourselves, about now, why I'm going on about yoga on a parenting blog? Am I trying to convince you, my readers, to take up the practice?  I'd be dishonest if I told you no - I actually think that parents can use this skill and time for themselves very much.  But that isn't actually the reason I discuss it here (to see a discussion about carving out time for yourself, see my post about creating time for yourself). 

So if this isn't me rambling about making time to learn mindfulness, what are we talking about?

I believe one of the most essential skill any parent can give their child is learning how to listen to themselves.  To train kids to be mindful, to quiet the outside noise and to learn how to trust themselves and listen to their inner voice.  All too often, we try to tell children how they feel instead of teaching them how to identify and guide their own feelings.

For example, how many times have we told our kids, as they're crying and in pain, "you're ok."  Or when they are worried about something we say "there's nothing to worry about!"  Without realizing it, I think we inadvertently ignore our kids feelings and try and supplant our own feelings onto theirs.  We know there's nothing to worry about or that it will only hurt for two minutes and they'll be back to playing - so we try and push that onto them.  Instead, we could try to acknowledge their feelings and then guide them to the next step.  Subconsciously, we are giving them a very different message.  You are allowing them to acknowledge and trust their own feelings while still helping guide their responses to those feelings.  It is subtle but over time, I think they learn a very important lesson.

Take a kid who finds themselves anxious or shy in the presence of new faces or situations.  Some parents try to push them into it and assume they'll just learn to adjust eventually.  Others let them completely stay away from these situations and assume they'll eventually grow out of it and learn to cope.  But there is a more middle of the road approach.  Help the kid put a name or word to their feelings (scared, nervous...) and ]talk before these situations about how to approach them.  What are things you can do when you feel that way? How can we make these situations easier.  This gives them the skills to approach a situation and hear what their body/mind is telling them and coach it through.  It puts them in touch with their inner voice.  Once they understand that voice, they can help guide themselves through different situations. 

Another type, the angry child.  This can be a child of any age, who tends to lash out and get angry at the drop of a hat.  Their auto-response to situations is to flare.  Practicing mindfulness with them, helping them identify when they're feeling angry - how that feeling comes on and what it feels like inside them when it happens, can often help guide them into better responses to their anger.  The old adage, when angry count to ten (when very angry, twenty), still works.  Teaching them to listen to that inner voice, the spark plugs heating up, and to walk away until it simmers.  All of these are ways to help them learn to listen to themselves, be mindful and acknowledge their own feelings, and learn how to channel them more appropriately.

Ok, I know what you may be thinking - it isn't that easy.  And it isn't.  And what about those kids whose inner voice is forever telling them to crazy things - do we teach them to listen to that one too? Voices that speak of exaggerated fears, of crazy and reckless behaviors.  And yes, in a way, we do teach them to listen - and curb it.  The same way you can teach the anxious child to overcome their anxiety, you can teach the wild and reckless child to hear the inner voice and curb it to a reasonable degree.

So often, as kids head into the teenage years, they inevitably shut down to some degree or another.  I think if taught this early, they can still use this skill at that stage, even when it doesn't seem like they are doing so.  The key is to give them the space and time to think it through and in the quiet calm moments, to remind them of the need to listen to those voices inside telling them what they know to be true (think peer pressure situations, something we will discuss in depth in a later post).

Everyone has different methods and approaches to teaching mindfulness, some don't use that word but the idea is the same.  I believe if we work hard on developing these skills for our kids (and our selves) we can help them trust themselves and eventually mature into adults who remain in touch with their inner voices.

Friendships

I’m really lucky in my own life to have formed some strong connections and to have really good friends. And despite that, even as an adult there are times friendships are difficult to navigate. We all read novels or see shows where characters have these incredible friends as kids and they are taking all sorts of adventures together and always have someone who gets them. And our kids see that imagery all around - between social media and television - it’s a picture that’s painted over and over.  But let’s be honest - not every child navigates the social world the same and some really struggle to find friends and interact in relationships. I’m not talking about the extreme cases where there are issues that professional help is required to teach the basics of social norms - I’m talking about the regular kids, the ones who seemingly make friends easily and the the ones who just don’t naturally make friends easily. Or the middle school stages where your friends change almost as often as your style or haircut. How can we, as parents, help our kids navigate the world of friendships to make it both easier for them and help them develop long lasting connections?

Another thing to think about before we discuss how to’s is that although friendship struggles are common - there are different types which require completely different approaches. Sometimes having a larger family gives me a sampling of the different complexities you can face with the same issue. It’s like each child has a different twist on it. For some of my kids, a small tight-knit group of friends is the perfect fit, for others they have an ever revolving door and though some of the friendships have lasted, kids who once actually referred to me as Mommy are no longer in the inner or outer circle. Still others really struggled to find a friend group until much later. So there’s definitely no one size fits all solution to friends.

The first thing to consider is - what works best for this child? Do they do better in small or large groups? Do they enjoy one on one more than group time? Understanding your child’s personality and working with it is essential. All too often, we impose our idea of friends on our kids and it isn’t working for them because it isn’t them. Think of scenarios where you’ve watched social butterflies overprogam their kids and seen the overload and the child retreating into themselves.  It’s one thing to make sure your child has the skills to be in a group setting, another to impose it on them on a regular basis. It’s especially hard to accept this when it has implications on your own social life. If you’re part of a friend group that gathers often and your child is resistant to going or seems to be on the sidelines because they don’t enjoy it - it may be time to rethink those gathering times. Not every child enjoys loads of social time and still others enjoy only larger groups and find one on one situations boring. Try and observe your child and figure out their most comfortable setting and create situations which are conducive to them.

Second, suggestions and encouragement are useful - forcing is counter productive. Honestly this is kind of a general rule of thumb with kids but it’s crucial when it comes to their social life. Even as small kids, they feel the pressure of being forced into situations. Instead of having the desired effect (child becomes engaged and fast friends with the child in question ) it usually has the opposite effect and the kids are more reticent and less inclined to interact.  When it comes to teens, having opinions about their friends seems lethal! I have found that if I encourage a friendship too strongly the child withdraws from it faster and if I dislike the company they’re keeping and am vocal about it - they’ll keep that company more but often do it elsewhere, where I can’t oversee or get to know what they’re getting into. Now don’t get me wrong - there are ways to steer kids towards better friends - but the straight up honesty that we use in other situations often falls flat or works against us when it comes to friendships.

Let’s break the issues down here - to start with we’ll talk about younger kids (anywhere from toddler to younger elementary). For these kids it is easier to create conducive situations for friendships. After heeding step 1, understanding the dynamic that works best, you can help foster those situations for the child. If they do well in one on one, find play dates that can give them chances to bond. If group activities work, classes or parks or other gathering spaces give them a chance to find the right kids and bond with them. Don’t assume the girl next door or your closest friends child is automatically going to be their social life. If that works, great, but it doesn’t always. If you see your child struggling in these situations - I strongly suggest role playing with them after the fact. Show them how to approach someone they don’t know well. If they have trouble with the conversations - give them some starting ideas. They pick things up very fast even when it doesn’t come totally naturally. Once they’re comfortable enough and find kids who they like they will ease into these themselves. It’s like little kid ice breakers.

For teens it is a different ballpark. Mostly teens you’ll be concerned about either struggle to find a group or get in with the wrong crowd.  I'll go backwards here and address the teens that are in a group you find less than ideal.  Word to the wise, don't be too vocal about their friends personally.  When the opportunity arises to talk, talk about behaviors you don't like or social pressures kids have to deal with.  Attacking their friends individually will turn them defensive.  Try as you may, I don't think you can actually break up friendships that you don't find healthy, but you can try and remind your child, in calm times, the healthy and positive behaviors that you miss seeing when they're around friends who bring them down.  Again, I'd be hesitant to dive too deep or harp on it too often since teens have a way of digging in their heels when they feel opposition.

For the teens struggling to find their place - this one in a lot of ways is harder.  Loneliness is real and painful.  Acknowledge their struggle.  If they are open to talking about it, try and problem solve with them about why they aren't finding friends and what is going on at school/around town that is making it difficult.  You may find they're being singled out or bullied because they aren't run of the mill.  Try to help them find alternate situations where there are different kids - sometimes the kids in their school class are just not the right fit.  Since they spend the majority of their time with them, by force not by choice, they may feel stuck and in a rut.  Opening them up to new opportunities where the social structure is different can be a game changer.

And when it comes to issues with friendships, encourage openness.  Try to make them know that you are always a friend to them, you have their back.  If they want to be heard without comment, you'll be their sounding board.  If they want advice, you can give that too.  Let home be a safe space for them where there isn't the same social pressures they're facing out in the real world.  When they know you understand them and are supporting instead of pressuring them to make it work, you may find an entirely different child in there who is ready to talk and eventually ready for suggestions.  Discuss loyalty and dependability. Discuss how to be a real friend.  Discuss how real friends sometimes compromise.  Discuss how real friends come to parents when there are safety issues, even if it feels like tattling.  Talk and keep the discussions going.

Creating Positive Health/Body Outlooks

What I’m about to discuss is sensitive and difficult for so many people. Eating issues and disorders are rampant in communities across the spectrum and no one is immune from them. And they cut both ways - we have the people struggling to fight obesity and those struggling with anorexia/bulimia. Even parents who do their best modeling can have eating issues in their houses. But hard topics can’t be avoided - we need to get them out into the open and talk about them if we are going to fix them. And, like many of our other topics, this is just a beginning.  Even discussing food and exercise in one post is a feat but I’m going to make an attempt because I believe they’re intricately connected.

One night recently I was late coming home and out of dinner ideas (or energy to make some) and a friend told me about a great grab n go sushi option. While I was in line waiting for my order, I met half the neighborhood who clearly were in the same predicament. While catching up with some people I don’t see often enough, I noticed a running theme. Everyone was discussing either how they overate when it came to foods they found as a “treat” or discussed calories as part of their food conversation. Being health and exercise focused myself - I have given a lot of thought to how to approach the topic of food/diet and exercise and I’m always on the lookout for how we, as a society, deal with these concepts. So I’m just going to come right out and say that overall our society has an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise. All too often we portray food as something to resist or indulge in and exercise as a necessary evil. You’ll hear real lovers of exercise talk about the high but most people talk about it as something they have to force themselves to do because it’s good for their health. When it comes to food, there’s far too much discussed about dieting and far too little about balance and healthy choices. And I am forever overhearing people talk about their bodies and the lack of satisfaction with size and shape.

Personally I think every one of us needs to take a step back and ask ourselves what we are modeling for our kids when it comes to these crucial topics. As we’ve talked about before, kids hear everything. They listen and pick up on the minutia. So when it comes to food - do we discuss calories and dieting or do we discuss healthy choices? Do we talk about how the food choices affect our weight or our body and health ? Instead of putting the focus on calories and intake I believe we should focus on healthy choices and portion sizes. Discuss what health benefits they get from things rather than what bad stuff can happen from foods. When you show them that you choose olive oil over some other fat - discuss heart healthy choices. Discuss eating and feeling satisfied rather than stuffed. Getting energy from good food choices.

When a child is taking a snack - hand them a cup/bag/bowl to take a reasonable amount instead of the bag to eat endlessly. You can teach them how to choose a healthy portion size without telling them they’re overeating or having them measure foods  - just showing them that a portion is enough to fill you up without eating too much of one thing. Teach them balance in how they eat. Whatever your philosophy- if sugar is the root of all evil and you want them to avoid it - just remember that banning certain food categories makes people (and certainly small kids) want them even more. And think a lot about how much you’re talking about food and focusing on it. Try to steer conversations away from dieting and food consumption- it’s an overused topic in our society and we need to be where that ends.

I think it’s important to note that when dealing with kids and food it’s important to avoid power struggles over food. Suggesting healthy options and making sure to have good foods available is an ideal way to create a healthy food atmosphere. Pressuring kids to eat healthy food options or punishing them and taking away things if they refuse sets you up for food battles and distorts their view of how to approach food. If you don’t have the junk in your house kids will naturally choose other options. Another important thing to think about - try to avoid making food a reward. If every prize for good behavior or special treat or outing revolves around food - what message are we sending?

When it comes to exercise- I hate to be this person but add some joy to the conversation. Do you exercise? Is the amount you fit it into your life reasonable or excessive? Lacking? I grew up watching my parents get up early every day to run. It was a great model for me - I saw that despite my Dads busy schedule he made healthy choices a priority. My mom got up with him to be his partner even though early mornings were not her strong suit. They showed us that you fit it in however you can to make it work. And you could see they loved that time together. My Dads been gone for many years but my mom still runs, thank G-d, and she sets an incredible example not just for her kids but for her grandkids (several of whom take turns running with her) about how to fit exercise into your life and stick with it even when it’s hard. Not everyone can be a runner - but we all can and should find something that makes us move and moves us at the same time. If we do something we love we will love doing it.

At the same time, there are kids who are sedentary and finding ways to encourage movement can be a huge challenge. Organized sports are a great way to get them moving but they are not for everyone. Encouraging kids to find things to do that don’t involve staying still is crucial but can be hard. Try to get the kids somewhat involved in your movement some of the time.  Bike rides are great quality time  that gets everyone moving. Walks, geocaching, scavenger hunts - all are good ways to get people up and going while making it fun. Many schools have girls on the run or other program to help make joint moving times. Whatever you choose to help the sedentary child, try to focus on the enjoyment, the health benefits but not on how or why it will affect their weight.

And like everything else - you have both ends of the spectrum. Some kids that get too into it - another thing to watch for. If exercise is taking up too much of their time and they are overly focused - help them dial it back. A healthy balance is crucial to prevent danger. I can’t talk about every aspect in this one post so we’ll have to get back to some of this later.

The bottom line is we need to help our kids develop a healthy relationship with food and exercise - trying to focus on the quality of what we eat and the way it makes us feel instead of the quantities. Attempting not to create a culture of diets and weight focus but more of a health focus. And exercise is an amazing piece of our lives that keeps us feeling good and healthy and in touch with our bodies.

And Again...And Again...And Again - Consistency in Parenting

A few months ago I read an article about a couple who was married over 60 years.  They were asked what the secret to staying together so long was - and the answer the husband gave was (and I paraphrase here) 'you just stay. When you are angry, frustrated, want to walk away, you just stay.'  Ok, we all know it isn't that simple and I am not trying to get on a soapbox and talk about relationships here, they are complicated and circumstances differ for each person (and, I'd be remiss if I didn't make a note to all those people in tough relationships that I am in no way saying to stay when there is anything abusive about a relationship - remember you can always leave if it is the best thing for you and your family - but that is a side note).  The article got me thinking about something I hear about all the time - how do we make things stick? How do we keep with things and make them part of our lives and routines?  Every new idea is exciting for the first second/minute/hour/day/week/month but somehow things tend to fizzle out and what seemed so great just isn't or we can't remember to keep it up.  I've been thinking this question over and I had some thoughts to share on the subject.

Most of us don't remember how we started some of the routines that we call daily life.  What made us brush our teeth every morning and night and not give up on that system? Some people incorporate exercise into their daily routines - somehow they keep that up despite the busy chaos we call life.  Everything started somewhere.  

Although routines are hard to establish, we are capable of creating new ones at any stage in our lives.  Like learning to type or any other skill - we can create the parenting equivalent of muscle memory for our kids.  Let me explain the concept.  When I learned to type I was around 10 or so - we learned on old fashion typewriters.  I remember having to type pages of the same letter sequences over and over.  It was tedious and I don't recall being thrilled by it but it did create muscle memory for my hands.  After a while, I no longer had to think about where the letters were, my fingers just flew to them automatically.  I think the same is true with habits and routines that we establish in our houses.  If you create a system and keep it up, day after day, week after week, it will eventually stick. 

There are a few key points to take into consideration when trying to create a new routine in your house.  First, it is key not to try and conquer Rome in a day.  According to my good friend Google, it takes 2 months (on average 66 days) to form a new habit.  If you get too zealous in your parenting ideas and try to adapt too many systems for too many things too quickly - I don't believe you'll actually get any to take.  One at a time.  Slow and steady.

First, think about what the greatest challenge you face with your kids on a daily basis is: getting them up and out in the mornings? supper and bedtime routine? Everyone talking at the same time when something needs to be done and feeling like a traffic cop? Pick one of these and try to deconstruct the steps that are involved.  What type of system could you put into place to make this time/routine go more smoothly?

When my first four kids were all in elementary school, making lunches was the worst part of the daily routine.  I felt like the kids walked in the door after school and between homework, dinner, showers and lunches - my day was consumed and I was spent.  One of my older sisters who has a large family shared an idea with me that I implemented into my own house and it changed my life, literally.  I tweaked her system and created a lunches system that made my daily life so much better.  Every Sunday morning, I would get the kids to the kitchen and we would pack the lunches for the entire week (yes, an old fridge served as the holding space for this crazy number of lunches - 20!).  I would bag individual snacks, vegetables, fruits and 'mains' and the kids would select something from each category for each lunch bag (we lined up 5 a person on the kitchen counter).  The entire process took about an hour, start to finish, and I didn't think about lunches again the rest of the week.  All the kids had to remember was to grab the lunch in the morning before school - and no one could complain about the contents because they had packed it themselves!

Once you decide what you are going to conquer and the routine you want to put in place for it - stick with it.  Don't try and incorporate another new system or conquer another chaotic time - just work on this one item for a while.  I honestly would give a new system a good 3-4 months before I tackled the next idea.  Kids can form habits and they can break poor habits faster than we can as adults.  And each routine is different - when you see that they've acclimated and are remembering THE SYSTEM without you having to guide them through it, you know they've acquired the 'muscle memory' and are likely ready to take on another change.  We just need to set our minds to a new idea and keep it up!

Please feel free to share ideas and system you've implemented - either comment on the blog or on instagram @bigpicparents

To Incentivize or Not to Incentivize- That is the Question

I recently had a discussion with my teenage son which was at once very eye-opening and at the same time quite upsetting.  He's currently working at a summer camp and we were talking about some challenges controlling the campers.  His bunk seems particularly high-energy and the go-to method for some of the counselors he is working under seems to be yelling louder than the campers in order to be heard.  I suggested that perhaps some incentives would be more useful than screaming and he told me that he doesn't believe in bribing kids to do what they are supposed to do.  He told me that when he was younger I just took things away - not bribed him.  He said I spent so much time taking things away (or threatening to) that he was never happy to get things, he always worried he'd lose them. 

Ok, taking a step back and remembering what he's talking about - I can definitely say Guilty As Charged.  I remember exactly what he is referring to - when he turned 13 he was given a Nintendo Switch as a gift from a friend.  Being new to this gaming system and the world that surrounds it - I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.  I wish I knew then what I know now (forgive me, Katy Perry... ) - but I didn't and I handed this brand new device over to a young teen with no limits and no framework for controlling its use (I discuss some pointers for controlling technology in the house in a previous post).  So there I was, with a newly teenage son who had his own technology and was, instantly, completely addicted.  I asked, begged, pleaded, suggested that he turn it in at night (yet somehow didn't insist as a condition of getting it, we all have to start learning somewhere) and nothing I said or did worked.  He was totally hooked and wouldn't give it up, at all, ever.  I couldn't get him to get out of his bed for anything that wasn't a requirement (school) and so all weekend he just vegged and played and I tried everything to get him to stop.  If he wouldn't stop I would just forcibly remove the device and he would mope about not having it.  To be honest, I haven't completely figured this device situation out - since he still plays far more video games than I would like - but I have found ways around some of it.  Had I started with different rules I think we could have had a much more positive experience with it, but that is all water under the bridge.  The discussion made me think about something I have grappled with for a long time - do we provide incentives for things that children should be doing or is that bribing?  Do we focus on incentives or do we eliminate things if kids are not listening?

At the beginning of this blog, I discussed my method of Repercussions no discussions (see post) - where there are no long debates and discussions about repercussions for certain types of behaviors - you just move right to repercussions (there was a bit more to this method and it wasn't step #1 in the sequence).  The question is, though, is there a way to create incentives for good behavior without outright bribing our kids to behave?

I don't claim to be the guru or have all the answers but I have given this topic a good amount of thought.  I think it comes down to the fact that in many ways we all create incentives for things for ourselves constantly.  Ever not want to exercise and tell yourself that if you get going and do something you will (fill in the blank - preferably not with 'reward yourself with chocolate').  As adults we don't want to do everything we have to do and yet we find ways to do things.  Sometimes, we do things because we know we have to (putting out supper each night, for example, as much as many of us may hate doing that).  Other things we see more as optional and we find ways to encourage ourselves to do them because we know we should or we feel they're good for us.  We all need incentives. 

And so I've decided that if there is a positive way to create incentives for our kids to do things that they find challenging - why should we not help them create those systems?  There are always going to be things that come naturally to some kids and are huge struggles to others.  Some kids are organized by nature and don't want to live in a mess while others are going to have an incredibly difficult time getting their clothes into the hamper at night.  Each kid has their own struggles - some bigger and more challenging than others - but small things we can do to help provide them with the incentive to do what they need will help form healthy habits from a young age. 

For really young kids, the incentives need to be immediate - stickers for good behavior, a star on your chart, a little box of dollar store prizes, Oriental trading goods - easy and quick.  As kids get older, incentives can be longer term (a month of checks on a chart can earn an outing), jars you fill with a marble each time you notice good behavior and a treat night out when the jar is full.  They can work their way up to bigger prizes or experiences they can earn.  Remember, it doesn't have to be stuff - time alone with kids is a huge prize they covet and enjoy. 

So, do we bribe them into good behavior? I don't think so - no 'listen to me and you get a candy' - but I do believe there is a line between incentives and bribes and each person can find it and tow it.  If the incentives fail, they shouldn't be used as a threat (if you don't do this, you won't earn your X) - they should be there as a positive way to help kids do the right thing.  But if they fail, back to the Repercussion No Discussion.  They don't need to hear they lost it or they didn't earn it - they know that already.  You can't force them into good behavior, but you can make it worth their while.

As I finished my conversation with my son, I felt I had learned a lot.  I told him I was actually really sorry I made him feel like he would lose so much and I explained to him how powerless I felt against the pull of his electronics.  And I told him I learned a lot from the conversation - because I did.  It was both humbling and empowering to know we, as parents, can learn and improve ourselves from our experiences and not make the same mistakes again.

Giving Advice

Volumes by wise and educated people have certainly been published on the topic of the best way to give advice so people can accept what you’re telling them.  I don’t dream of being in the same league as those before me who studied the psychology and truly understood the inner workings of the mind.  I can only tell you from my own experience the things I have found to be more useful and completely useless when trying to give kids (and adults) advice.

Like we discussed in the last post on Taking advice - it is hard to accept advice from anyone. If you couple that with advice given wrong - it is impossible.  I was discussing some parenting techniques with a friend at the pool today and I was telling her that when it comes to how to approach things with my kids I often think about how I would feel if I was approached that way about something.  Take a simple example of someone telling you how to cut food in your own kitchen.  Would you honestly want to listen if someone repeatedly told you that you were doing it wrong and here's how you really should be doing it? Most of us would be like - I got this - leave me alone.  We may even be thinking that we've been doing it our way for years and it works so why change.  If, however, the person found a better approach to telling us how to do it without us feeling we were somehow wrong until now and they are right we may be more open to it.  In our cutting example, it may take the form of showing us that our efficiency and time on our feet would be reduced if we learned a different technique.  Or our finger tips would all be in tact.  Whatever the hot button is, if we learn how to hit it properly - real change can happen.

So what are some ideas we can integrate into our advising which will help make it palatable for those who could benefit from hearing it most?

First rule of giving advice - stop playing the blame game.  People often point fingers without even realizing what they are doing.  This just doesn't set the stage for anything positive (ever).  Focus not on who is responsible for the issue or problem but what the issue or problem actually is.  I noticed this when talking to my kids - I used to always start with the problem by saying how I've noticed you've been doing a lot of X lately (fill in the blank here - there are so many - bullying/talking back/whining...you name it). 

What I didn't realize was that I had already lost my audience.  Defenses went up and sense went out the window.  The advice never even had a chance at that point.  What they heard was "you think I am wrong or bad or ___" and they didn't hear the constructive section at all.  It took my kids being old enough to say 'I know you think I'm bad' for me to realize I had completely framed my topic wrong.  Obviously, we need to identify what we're talking about.  If you're noticing your child leaves the dishes on the table after every meal - you are going to have to discuss the fact that the dishes are on the table and therefore need clearing.  Or you could skip the fact they're at the table and just go to the what needs to be done right away.  But if you do need to discuss it - you don't have to point fingers.  Just the facts, ma'am.

Second, as with any type of feelings you are sharing with someone, use I statements more than You statements.  If something is making you feel demeaned, don't come at it from the angle of "you've been demeaning to me in conversations lately".  Come at it from the "I've been feeling put down."  It means the same thing but comes across quite differently.

Third, allow them room to process and come up with solutions to the issue themselves - but give them some leading ideas.  Open minds have ways of creating loads of good problem solving solutions - but the key is for them to be open.

Last, don't lecture.  Keep it short and to the point.  No one wants to hear someone drone on and on and press their point when the bottom line is us telling them they need to change.  I think a conversation with advice should be 5 minutes or less if at all possible.

I'm sure there are many other advice giving tips - and I urge you to share you ideas and comments (either in the comments section or on Instagram @bigpicparents) - I would love to hear what you have to say!

Taking Advice

I've gotten some feedback about the blog and I really appreciate all of it.  My aim is to create a space where my readers can feel they're understood and supported.  My goal is to help each and every person find a safe haven where it's ok that your kid just painted the wall with their diaper or your teenager just exploded and stormed out of the house - where you realize it doesn't mean you did something wrong or you're a bad parent.  And you know that you're gonna survive this thing and you're not doing too bad at managing it and retaining your humanity.  And maybe you'll pick up a few tips and tricks to help you along the way.

So when someone gave me feedback that I should make it more personal and less generic I thought it was a great idea.  It turned me from less of a preacher of parenting to a fellow parent who has gained some ideas along the way to share.  My first thought was to tell you my life story - show you what makes me who I am and what I am.  What battlegrounds I've trod and what they've taught me.  Truth be told, that approach really didn't bother me - I like to view my life circumstances as my reality and not something I'm some sort of victim of - I didn't cause most things to happen, they just happen to be my life - but some of my kids were not so wild about it.  The life I live, the story that is me, is also other people's story.  They didn't all want their story broadcast for every stranger to know.  So I decided to tweak it.  And it gave me an idea for this post.

To start - my tweaked idea of who I am so you can know why you'd ever want to listen to me about parenting.  I have 6 amazing and wildly different kids.  They range in age from college to elementary school at the current time (2 years ago we thought we could win a prize for most children in different school stages - having one in college, one studying abroad, one in high school, middle school, elementary and nursery).  Aside from completely different personalities, we've also been through some unique circumstances - we've battled intense illness over the years and thankfully have overcome a lot but gained tremendous perspective on life from those situations.  There are a lot of other details I could fill in but I won't for their privacy sake.  What I will try to do, from here on out, is include more real life anecdotes to help my ideas and thoughts be more useful.

On to the main idea I wanted to discuss today - how to take advice.  Giving advice seems easy because we can just say what we're thinking and let it out.  But usually that is not super effective and there are better ways of delivering a message than just putting them out there.  Especially if we want the advice to be taken.  That will have to be the subject of a separate post.  Today I want to talk about taking advice, because advice is a hard pill to swallow.  For anyone.  Any time.  No one wants to hear something about themselves that someone else thinks is less than perfect.  We all want to see ourselves a certain way and it is hard to hear we need to change.  This is no less true when we're older.  Try taking advice from someone you love and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

The main problem I've encountered with taking advice is that the first reaction most people have is to become defensive.  It is our human response to either take flight or defend ourselves when we feel attacked.  Even advice given well can be hard to take.  The most impressive thing to me is watching someone take advice and immediately consider it without any push back.

A few months ago I was running with my running partners and I put this question out to them.  One of my friends is an incredible listener.  They're always joking around when we run about how I can just talk the whole time (to be honest, I was like oh no, I obviously talk too much - but they were actually commenting on my lung capacity - that should be the subject of another post - what people say and what we hear).  What I realized was that they are incredible listeners and so I asked them how can I become a better listener?  They gave me a few good pointers which I’ll use as part of my how tos.

First, don’t talk back immediately - let the person talking really talk before you jump in.
Second, affirm what you heard by repeating it briefly (so you feel x,y, z)
Third, ask questions to clarify the topic at hand
Last, don’t necessarily respond immediately - try to step back and consider the topic before formulating a response.

Teaching kids to take advice well is, as usual, a lot about modeling behavior. When they come to us we have to listen and consider their points. We can’t always have a formulated opinion on their issues before the discussions begin. If we want them to listen to and heed our advice we have to show them it’s not a one way street.

 But we also have to realize advice isn’t a directive. It’s an idea and we can choose what parts of it we integrate into our response and behavior. Kids have their own world views, even at a really young age and especially as they come into their teenage years. They’re not going to agree to our exact view of things every time. Yes, there will be times they buy into the whole idea but those will be few and farther between. As long as they hear what we have to say, consider it and come up with a viable solution they have “taken” our advice.

Recently I was having a discussion with one of my teenagers. We were disagreeing about some safety protocols for the car. I was of the belief that they needed to slow it down and use more caution. Somehow between when I taught them to drive and the discussion they’d lost all sense of caution and understanding that a car is a really powerful machine which can do damage if not managed properly. I made some mistakes during the conversation (which we’ll discuss in the giving advice section) and so did they. Instead of hearing what I had to say the immediate response was “you’re paranoid mom and I’m a good driver.”  I was totally shut out before the discussion even got underway. Had they tried to be a more active listener they may have heard my point - exercise more caution - without disregarding me entirely. To be honest I do think they are checking themselves a little more because even when kids seem to ignore us I’m fairly certain they hear some of what we say.

So to call it a wrap - teaching kids to take advice is mostly about helping them become active listeners, realizing that even if they don’t take all of what we say and put it into action that’s ok as long as they take some pieces of it (or devise another alternative) and come up with a reasonable course of action or solution.

Summertime and the Livin' is Easy...How to Enjoy Free Time with your Kids

Now that summer is upon us I wanted to share some ideas how to make enjoyable QT with your kids.  Some people are lucky enough to have your kids home for the whole summer while others have to fit time in post work.  I'll try to make this relevant for all kinds.

I'll start with a disclaimer - I was lucky enough to have many, many years of Camp Mommy with my kids when they were young.  When I went back to full time work 2 summers ago, the hardest part for me was not getting to do Camp Mommy with the kids.  I hated the thought that I'd have to send them somewhere else for someone else to build memories with them.  Don't get me wrong - it was a lot of work, there were many days where I was exhausted and frustrated - but overall I loved it.  It isn't for everyone but it really is the stuff that makes memories.  Even if you aren't the type who can keep kids home the whole summer - a week or two is extremely special and the kids remember those summers so fondly. 

So I guess I should really make this two parts -

Part 1: Creating a Camp Mommy
If you have the opportunity to have the kids home - whether it is a week or two or a whole summer - Camp Mommy can be fun for you and the kids. No matter if you live in a city or in the middle of nowhere - there is so much to explore.  Here are some things I recommend:
1. Make a schedule - when you don't have schedule, things can feel out of control.  I used to have a loose outline of how the days would go.  Kids often do better with some structure - there are only so many days you can chill and sleep late and then decide what to do.
2. Take Trips! We usually had one trip day a week - somewhere you would go to explore or enjoy where you had never gone (or places you just love and want to keep going back to).  If you have bigger kids, letting them take turns planning the trip days can be a lot of fun and give them an opportunity to develop their planning skills.  Remember to check your local festival list, nature hikes nearby, Geocaching (a national scavenger hunt), and museums and zoos nearby.  If you're adventurous, drive a little farther once in a while and find a beach or lake.
3. Art - there is art all over - pinterest and other websites have many crafting ideas if you don't have ones of your own.  Found art is particularly fun and can be combined with trips (like finding the letters of their name in nature on a hike and photographing them and making collages).
4. Exercise together - biking, swimming, running - the possibilities are endless.  You will be a better parent if you work this into your schedule with the kids so you get your exercise in.
5. Make T-Shirts for your "camp" - my kids have passed down "Camp Mommy" t-shirts to their younger siblings since they have one from every summer.  These are particularly useful to wear on trip day.
6. Make cooking/ baking /grocery shopping part of your activities - one thing you find when kids are home with you during the summer is it can get really hard to fit the real life tasks into your days.  If you involve them in these and set aside one day a week (or possibly part of two days) to take care of the mundane (scavenger hunt grocery shopping is very fun, writing the shopping list for younger kids who are learning to read/write), you will find it far less frustrating to fit the real stuff in.
7. Reward Good Sibling Behavior - one thing that happens often when kids are home together is they begin to bicker.  If you head that off to start with it can make a huge difference.  A chart with a weekly reward trip (think Slurpee's) makes for a good reason to head off the fighting.
8. Set Goals - kids thrive on success.  Find things you want to accomplish over the summer and keep track of them.  I usually have the kids set goals for books to read, swimming strokes to learn, etc.
9. Publish! Every Friday we would create our own newsletter of what we did at Camp Mommy that week.  It was fun, great computer skills, and a great way to share what we did with their Dad (who was working so we could have Mommy Camp).
10. Create your own game - many people have seen version of Monopoly that are personalized - create a family version of this or any other game and play it (even add real life rewards).  This can become a really fun family pass-time.

I'll happily provide a list of DC locations for trips and exploration for anyone local and art project ideas for anyone who is interested.

Part 2: Increasing QT and Creativity while the kids are off school
So for those of us who can't take the whole summer to be with the kids - fear not, all is not lost.  There is still so much time and energy you can use to increase your time with the kids in the summer.  I always want to take advantage of the time where they are usually doing their homework and all tapped out from a whole day at school.  Try to shake up your normal daily routine and make time for fun.  This can take on so many different faces - you can go to the pool after work for a relaxing afternoon and let bedtime be a bit later than usual.  You can do an arts and crafts project (see above about arts and crafts if you need ideas).  You can still make your own T-Shirts, take some evening outings, and build in time for special summer activities.  Take advantage of your Sundays - there should be fewer Sunday birthday parties, extra curricular activities, etc - and take some trips.  If you have the opportunity to take a family trip - try to build in some extra excitement (i.e. planning together for bigger kids, make t-shirts before you go).

Some people find unstructured time to be extremely frustrating but I really believe if you create your own structure and try to view summers as an opportunity to create memories with your kids you will feel fulfilled and benefit from the time.  Yes, there will be challenging days (possibly many of them) but in the end they remember those times and appreciate the effort you put into them.

The Art of Debate - Teaching How To Argue

There comes a time when kids feel the need to debate you about things (sometimes about everything). For many kids this begins at a very young age. Different kids feel the need for this at different ages. For my kids it started just about the time they could form sentences!

I think it pays to think about how and why the kids debate or argue with us to figure out the best tools to give them to have respectful arguing habits.

In order to do this we should probably start with the most common types of arguments people use (better known as logical fallacies) as a refresher for those not so familiar.  There are certain types of arguments that are common and often effective but illogical. These include (but aren’t limited to)

•  ad hominem attack - when you attack a person rather than the issue at hand
• Circular - a logical fallacy in which the person begins with what they’re trying to end with
• Appeal to authority - when you use the opinion or actions of someone deemed respected as the validation for your argument 
• Appeal to ignorance - depending on the ignorance of the other party to win your argument 
• Slippery slope - when you argue that something is wrong because it will cause other things (worst case scenario)

To learn more about this topic - check out https://www.amazon.com/Illustrated-Book-Bad-Arguments/dp/1615192255/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?keywords=bad+arguments+ali+almossawi&qid=1559918575&s=gateway&sprefix=bad+argu&sr=8-2 An Illustrated Book of Bad Arguments. 

Ok - so now that we are pros at arguments - which arguments are we using when debating things with our kids? Can we teach them the art of debate from a young (or teen) age so they can effectively argue points without attacking or insulting? Let’s look at each fallacy in our list and find tools to counter those with positive argument skills. 

Ad Hominem- I often overhear kids (and some adults) using name calling when they talk to each other and “debate” points (“are you stupid” is one that comes readily to mind). What they are really trying to say is more about were you not focused on what I was saying and didn’t comprehend it? Possibly spaced out and missed some details? Ad hominem attacks take the focus away from the topic and onto the person - never what you are really aiming for. I think most people are left feeling guilty after using these since they didn’t “win” the debate and they hurt or offended someone in the process. So step 1 - help kids focus on the WHAT - what is it you’re arguing/debating about? Stay on point and it will remain respectful. 

Circular- everyone goes into a debate with a goal in mind. If you are only focusing on your point or your goal you will never truly hear the other sides point. So Step 2 - LISTEN and open your mind (and ears) to the other side and try and understand their take on the issue. You may be surprised by what you hear. If you only have your end goal in mind it’s more of a monologue than a debate. 

Appeal to authority- whatever you are debating about has its own merits. If the only reason you can find for your side of a debate is because someone else said it or did it - you probably don’t have much reason behind your stance. Step 3 - WHY? Be able to answer the question yourself before you try and defend your position to someone else. 

Appeal to Ignorance - no one knows about everything in this world - it’s a vast universe and we can’t and won’t know everything. Don’t use ignorance to your advantage. Step 4 - EXPLAIN- if there are facts or information you need to share about the situation to clarify - please do!

Slippery Slope - this part is more what we shouldn’t do when arguing or debating with our kids - deal with the situation at hand and not the worst case scenario of what may happen if you do agree to whatever the issue at hand is. 

To summarize - when teaching kids the art of debate - ask these questions 

1. What are you arguing about? Stay on point 
2. Listen to both sides of the debate and don’t prejudge your position 
3. Be able to answer the Why of what you’re discussing 
4. Share all the facts and information 
5. Deal with the case in point and not everything else that may happen

If they can master these steps they’ll be respectful debaters and may even win more debates at home and in life - respectful debate goes far. 

Am I My Brothers Keeper?

There are many different manifestations of sibling rivalry and to attempt to approach the entire topic in one post would be, honestly, prideful. Instead we will choose one aspect of it at a time and analyze that. Today, at a readers request, I’ll deal with one way to approach sibling mockery. By the way I do think that it’s similar when you deal with sibling mockery versus friend mockery but sometimes children have a tendency to uniquely torture their own siblings in a way they would never do to a friend.   Either way I hope this discussion will help you reduce the issue in your own house.

 Like so many other things,, I think it is important to first deal with the why before you deal with the how. In general in life I think that so many issues stem from not understanding the cause and once you identify it is so much easier to find solutions.  Let’s be real - even once we understand the causes that won’t make sibling rivalry (in any form) end - but it will help shape our approach. Any time a person belittles another person I believe it mostly stems from the way they feel about themselves. People with low self esteem tend to thrive on finding reasons other people are inadequate and focusing on that instead of doing the hard work of building themselves up and being real with themselves about how they feel. It is SO hard to admit this to ourselves but it is also SO true. Usually a child who belittles another child - especially a sibling - is jealous of how comfortable that person Is with themselves and how they don’t seem to care as much about how others view them. They’re doing the classic make them feel small so I can feel big technique. Some of it does get fixed with maturity but that is far too long for most of us to wait. Also this lack of self esteem usually comes out in more ways than just this one. Helping kids build their self esteem - identifying what causes them to think poorly of themselves, working on how we are approaching their successes and failures, and loads of other things (which we will definitely address in a separate post) will definitely be key to helping the self esteem issues your child may be facing. But lest you think that you need that completely fixed to address the mockery issue - you don’t. Simply identifying the cause can help you find solutions.

Poor self esteem isn’t the only driving factor in sibling mockery (or mockery in general) but I tend to see it as the greatest issue.  I think it also pays  to look at we approach situations - make sure there isn’t an underlying issue going on in the house where people belittle others. Sometimes you aren’t aware of your own patterns until you see them playing out in your children. This is a hard pill to swallow but a true one. Oftentimes what began as a high school habit of mocking each other because we thought it was “groovy” turned into a mode of behavior for us. I’m sure by the time anyone reads this they’re at least slightly past high school and it’s time to eradicate the traces of those behaviors in ourselves in order to promote an atmosphere of kindness in our houses. Yes, I’m aware that sounds like preaching but there are times we just all need to hear the truth.

I’m sure there are other reasons you may discover   That are unique to your children about why they are doing what they’re doing and I think it’s good and healthy to explore these when planning an approach to fixing the issue.

On to some techniques that may help reduce the mockery among siblings.

Before the do’s I will stress one very big don’t. Don’t mock your child to make them “know how it feels” - mockery is painful and they won’t get it they’ll just get hurt.

It goes without saying that a good sit down with your child once you’ve thought through the roots of the issue is necessary and helpful. Identifying these behaviors at a calm, non confrontational moment is essential. Explain what you see, why you think it happens and how you can help them conquer this behavior.

Then on to some behavior modification. The first option here is counter intuitive but we’ve actually had some success with it. The worst thing to a child seeking acceptance is to feel that they’re not cool. A short and sweet conversation with the child perpetrating the mockery telling them how interesting it is that they’re “obsessed” with their younger sibling and are just dying to give them extra attention goes a long way. Reminding them each episode how obsessed and into their sibling they are can somehow go an even longer way. All they want is to somehow distance themselves from said sibling because they’re deemed “uncool” and here they keep being reminded how much they’re clearly into them. For some kids this trick goes a long way.

Second, either combined with the first or as a separate approach - incentivize positive behavior. Each time your mocking child praises or compliments their siblings - praise them. Loudly, often, repeatedly. The power of positive enforcement cannot be understated. Focus on the good behaviors more than the poor ones.

Third, set up a code word or phrase with your child where you can remind them when they’re getting into a certain behavioral mode (I use this often, no just for this particular behavior). It’s something only you and the child are aware of and it can sound like nothing to an observer but it’s a good way to subtly remind them to pull back and change gears before they’re too deep into the behavior.  Oftentimes there’s a key point of no return and it’s important  to learn to recognize that point for each child and try very hard to help them pull back before they reach it (we all kind of have that point ourselves we just usually naturally pull ourselves back over time before we cross that line).

Like with many parenting dilemmas, there is no magic potion or secret trick which will cure this behavior right away but often with consistency and a multi-pronged approach you can help your child mature out of this behavior faster and spare the other siblings much unnecessary grief.

This Too Shall Pass - How to Teach Resilience

Life doesn’t always hand us a bag of peaches, much as we would like it to, so the big question I'm grappling with in this post is how can we best teach our kids the coping and survival skills to make the best of the rough situations they’ll inevitably face in life.  This is something I’ve thought about quite a lot lately as I’ve been dealing with a variety of situations which have been far less than ideal.

To start with - yet again - I think it’s important to analyze ourselves a bit. How do we react to adverse situations? Do we take a positive attitude looking for a silver lining or do we spend a lot of time dwelling on the hard parts of the situation? Do we look to blame or just accept things for what they are? We could pick apart our own reactions and find ways we can model good approaches towards issues to begin with.  Ideally we should work on our own reactions to adverse situations and try our best to find the positive in the adversity and focus on those. Beyond modeling the behavior, though, there’s a lot we can do to help give them the tools to deal with adversity.

I like to try a method I think of as the Rule of 3.  Simply, you try to find the three most important factors to dealing with any item that arises.  If you can find and apply a rule of three, you can attempt to approach any situation more positively. 

I'll use a running example for the rule of three since it may help frame the idea  - here are three things to focus on to help succeed in your run -
1. Don't go at it alone - find great partners to keep you motivated
2. Believe you can do it - usually just believing in yourself can get you farther than you could imagine
3. Keep at it - even when you don't think you have it in you - take one more step and that usually leads to another

How can we use this to help teach our kids resilience? Work with them to find 3 things in any given situation that can be their "rules" to approach the situation.  Personally I think #1 on the running example is actually #1 of any approach you can take with them.  The worst thing a person can feel in dealing with any situation is that they are alone.  Stress the support system to your children.  Discuss it when you are approaching your own adversity and remind them about it with every adverse situation they feel.  Loneliness is the fuel for all things negative - the more a person thinks they are alone with their struggle, the harder it is to face that struggle.  Stress to your child in any situation that they have backup - always! Of course they have you, the parent, but they're not always going to want you as their support system - so make sure they create other supports.  Other adults who they can talk to (grandparents, mentors, family friends) and of course, their own friends. 

Then go on to help them create another one to two "rules" to help them frame their situation.  If they can apply these rules to their situation they can give themselves the tools to approach the situation better. 

Let's take an example.  A child is struggling in school with a bully.  No matter what they do they can't seem to shake this child and their behavior.  Day after day they are coming home and discussing the different antics this child is pulling on them.  You've tried to help them self-advocate (and of course you're dealing with the situation from an adult level) - but instead of them coming day after day and feeling like a victim - you can help empower them.  Enter the Rule of 3.

Here is a sample rule of 3 you may help them create.
Rule 1 - You're NOT Alone.  Help them find solutions to how they can make sure not to face the problem alone.  They can talk to the teacher/school counselor/principal etc.  They can make sure they have a buddy during unsupervised times to help keep the bully and his/her behaviors away. 

Rule 2 - Get Perspective! Think what may be going on in the bully's life that is making them behave this way.  Does he/she have problems at home? Is he/she lonely? Does he/she have issues that no one is catching and that's why they're behaving this way? Sometimes just understanding the perspective of the other party in the issue can be extremely helpful in allowing them to find a solution to the situation, if there is one.  Perspective can also allow them to assess how lucky they are not to have those things in their life.

Rule 3 - Refocus! There are far too many times where something arises in a child's life and everything starts to revolve around that.  Help them refocus so they can stop giving their emotional energy to the situation and can instead channel their energy to more positive situations in their life. 

Aside from their Rules - I believe it is important to stress to them that blaming anyone or anything during adversity does not solve anything.  So often we quickly jump to assign blame for something that is happening in life - to us or around us - but that blame doesn't do anything to help resolve the situation.  It is important to avoid the blame game as it diverts energy from resolutions.  Most of the time it is not important who caused something - it is important to focus on solutions and resolutions.  In cases where a behavior is recurrent and you notice an obvious catalyst, of course it is important to identify that - but the blame game rarely actually identifies these, it is more of a finger pointing exercise 

Like most things, modeling and working through situations will help our kids build this skill set for themselves.  As each situation arises, or as chronic issues continue to resurface - try the Rule of 3 method and hopefully you'll watch as they begin to create and apply their own rules to situations that arise. 

Technology

Technology is something we have no choice but to contend with in today’s day and age - but before we talk about kids and tech I think we have to look at the bigger picture. As a parent whenever I’m thinking about something I feel my kids need to deal with I first have to look at how I deal with it. Because like it or not we are constantly setting examples for the kids about how to be. So let’s ask ourselves a few questions about tech. How much does it control us? How often are we on our phones/devices? Not during the workday when it is part of our jobs - after hours. When we are sitting with our kids and playing a game - do we check our phone? When having a conversation or sitting at dinner? Does every buzz make us grab it and see if we’re needed for something? If you have social media are you constantly checking in on it?

I think to model good tech habits to our kids - even before setting up our systems and our guidelines- we have to be modeling restraint and proper phone time for our lives. We need to have a system to get the phones out of our hands and away for times when it isn’t appropriate.

Sometimes we think a challenge is unique to our generation - no one had such accessible devices before. But honestly I remember my mom on her cordless phone or walking the kitchen with the phone cord wrapping everywhere - I’m sure they dealt with this also. We’ve  just got a new twist on an old issue - setting boundaries to not allow tech to invade our houses and control them.

So once we determine we have a good handle on how we want tech to be involved in our own life we can turn to how to introduce and modulate it in the kids lives.

First up - there are some essential tools that help in monitoring tech if you know where they are and you put them in place before you hand a device over to your kids. In the settings of any iPhone (and I’m sure android) are parental controls. In here you can set time limits, put a password on downloads and loads of other things to protect your kids automatically.

Here’s a link to show you exactly how to set controls and what is available.
https://m.imore.com/how-to-use-parental-controls-iphone-ipad

And there are secondary Apps you can use to monitor devices on your Wi-Fi. I am sure many of these exist and my list will be out date before I finish Writing but one good one I know of is called Disney circle. It allows you to register every device on your Wi-Fi and set shut down and time limits and types of apps which are not allowed or websites that it will block for you. Last I checked it cost Around $100 and I thought it was money well spent. The one drawback is clever kids who are desperate to get around it may find it and unplug it. If you have it when they are small I think they accept it more. You have the advantage of being ahead of some of this technology. Once your kids are teens and you have lots of battles to fight sometimes this doesn’t get into the A basket.

I guess the bigger question is how much or how little do we want to give the phone or any kind of technology to kids in order to allow them to get the benefit without getting the addiction. This is a really personal question and I think there is no blanket answer. Different kids have different needs and also different tendencies. Apps like Instagram and Facebook and Snapchat are built to addict - that is their goal and they study the science of addiction in order to make their apps tailored to dependency. Those are in a very different category than some educational games or watching movies. I think people have to decide how much screen time they want to allow their kids weekly and count every time you handover a phone or an iPad as part of that screen time. We tend to handover our phone when we’re asked can I play a game and not necessarily count that as screen time but really it all adds up. If you have a strategy for the amount of time and the amount of time at one sitting you are ok with then I think it makes technology easier to control.  It’s almost like dieting where everyone thinks a little of this or a little of that doesn’t count but when you’re really trying for weight control or weight loss you know that the little things add up. If a kid is handed a device every time we need a little break or they nudge us then they get used to constantly being on a device but if there is a set amount of time and you involve them in controlling some of when they can use it  - within  the parameters you set then they get a measure of control (something kids crave desperately) and they learn how to self regulate.Discussing it with them helps this model I.e. you can choose to play this game or watch this YouTube video but then will mark off 20 minutes on your weekly time.  You can have a sheet with a graph - maybe a bargraph for a little kids -where each block of time that they’re allowed is one chunk of the graph and then they can color it in. They know they’ve used that one and they have however many blocks you allocate for the week. All just ways for them to visually conceptualize what they’re doing and eventually they will get the idea more concretely.

Housekeeping and Cleanliness

Ok now here’s when things start to get real for me. Everyone has their THING- the issue that impedes their ability to  function like a normal human. For me we have hit that topic. I’m completely ok with mess as the day goes along - but walking in to a disaster makes all my rational parenting skills dissolve and all I feel is frustration. I’m sure there are other people who get affected by physical mess this way - and I’m sure there are those among us who simply don’t care and can sort it out without losing it. Whichever category you fall into - dealing with kids and housekeeping and having a strategy for it can help a lot. For most people housekeeping is a B basket issue. I try to remind myself that in this way I should strive to be like most people. This is one that reminds me that it is not an urgent issue and should be handled when the time is right - not in panic mode.

Like so much of what we discuss - modeling and planning how to address housekeeping issues not only helps in the short run (you never want to feel like your kids maid) but will help them build much needed skills for the long run as well. That being said - be realistic. Whatever you teach them and however amazing you can score on this topic - as the parent you will always be doing the lions share of the housework. No matter how much they help, running a house and raising a family creates loads and loads of messes and - to be fair - we chose our family and (most likely) how many kids we have (give or take a few surprises for some people) and it’s not realistic to expect the kids to pick up most of the slack. But what can they do and how can we best show them how to be active participants in the house in a meaningful way?

First, involve them. It sounds simple but sometimes it is so much  faster and easier to do things ourselves when the kids are little (or big, truthfully, as teenagers don’t often respond on the first attempt or the tenth) that we simply take care of them. That is a no-no in my book, within reason of course. If you start your kids young feeling responsible for their surroundings, I believe you instill in them a feeling of responsibility.  It doesn’t have to be huge tasks at the beginning but even clearing their dishes when they finish, involving them in the washing up, getting them a little broom - whatever it takes to make them feel part of the cleanup routine. When they’re getting ready to go into the bath - they put their stuff in the hamper. They spread their bed covers in the morning. Small things that take a little extra patience on our end can payoff big time in the long run.

Now, if you’re coming into this at a different point in your parenting - all is not lost if you didn’t start this way. Parenting means having the ability to change directions and introduce new things. Starting a new routine with older kids is hard but not impossible. Especially if you can be honest and open with your kids in a non emotional way about an issue that is happening at home. Recently I’ve been overwhelmed by the sheer amount of cleanup and I realized I had totally succumbed to this mistake - not setting clear standards for what people should be contributing to in the housework and just taking care of it once everyone was settled for the  night- and I was exhausted. After several failed attempts at soliciting help - I wrote my kids a little letter (on the family WhatsApp, yes, the new age way to do it) and I asked them to be cognizant of the fact that after a full day of work I don’t really want to spend hours cleaning up at night and miss out on time with the younger kids so if everyone  pitched in and we cleaned the kitchen all at once we could probably cut the time significantly. It didn’t work overnight but with consistency and reminders it is getting so much better. The key is not to wait until it’s at breaking point and you’re ready to snap to address it - it’s never too late and nothing is impossible. I tell my kids we have a reset button in each of us and sometimes it’s time to push it.

Another truth here - sometimes we need a repercussion no discussion tactic here. If you’ve tried the positive routes and are not making progress - then comes time for the talk. I recently started a policy - if your stuff is out when I find it - it goes to the lost  and found. In my house, that was inconveniently located on the back porch. Weather was not a factor in this one. No one really wanted to be stuck going outside to find their shoes or backpacks that they had left strewn all over. It didn’t take too long for this policy to help with the messes that were being left for me.

There is so much that can be said for the topic of housekeeping so I’ll stop at this point for now and pick it back up at a future date with more on this topic.

What About Me?

Inevitably there comes a time when every one of us is tapped out. There is not a parent in the world who doesn't get to a point where they are just DONE.  I honestly think that no matter how hard you try, this will happen to every one of you at some point in your parenting.  I'm not being a naysayer - I'm just being honest.  And I want you to realize it is OK to be done every once in a while.  I've heard of more than a few Mommy Time Outs people have needed.

When the kids are younger and there is more physical exhaustion to contend with you think you're tired, but when the kids hit their teen years and there are no diapers to change - the exhaustion takes on a whole different meaning.  You need to attend to yourself at all stages - because parenthood shouldn't totally define your view of yourself.

What I want to discuss is more about how to prevent getting to a point where you are so tapped out that it takes a toll on your life and your family.  Where you let it go too far for too long and lose a little of who you are.  And often you lose who you are as a couple in the mix of who you are as parents.

Before you think - that is not the kind of person I am and that will never happen to me - let me just be honest - it totally happened to me at a certain point in my kids teen years.  I always thought of myself as first a mother and next a wife and third a person.  I'm not telling you my priorities were totally messed up but I do think I was making a huge mistake.

There I was, 37 years old with 2 small children and inundated by the older kids who had suddenly become teenagers.  I thought I had the whole parenting thing figured out and understood the routine but all of that confidence had ebbed - suddenly my teenagers couldn't stop telling me how wrong I was, irrelevant, hypocritical - every step I took felt like it was in the wrong direction.  I was facing scenarios I had no experience with and no idea how to proceed with - and yet I was the Mom and was supposed to know what I was doing.

In my opinion - the order should probably be first I'm a person, a unique and talented individual who has loads to contribute to this world.  Next, I'm a mom and a wife.  I have roles that I play and those are essential but they don't define the sum total of who I am.

Why is this distinction so important?   The truth of the matter is that mothers and fathers who never take the time out to be individuals lose some of themselves.  Don’t forget you will have a life once your kids leave the house also - if for no other reason keep that in mind. You need to keep developing in life - you need to have a growth mindset.  You need time to rest and recharge and continuously define who and what you are and what your personal goals are.  When your kids are young it seems almost impossible to get those moments for yourself but they are crucial.  One thing I think I didn't realize is that even small things make a difference.  There is almost never a time when you can't make ANY time.  A car running on empty can't drive forever.  Try to remember a time before you had a spouse and kids - I'm sure there were so many self nurturing things you did to keep going.  Increased responsibility shouldn't make those things less important.  They are far more difficult to prioritize but that actually makes them more important, not less.

I think it is important every once in a while to do something big (like a trip away without kids) and I think its really nice to get a date night often (but full disclosure - if we get one every 3-4 months we're lucky) but those are not the only things that self nurture.  You need regular scheduled time where you can be an adult and an individual and other times just a couple. 

If planning a night out or a trip away without kids is too hard (which it is for many parents) - then find little things you can do to get breaks.  Play a game at night after your kids go to bed.  Take a walk.  Join a gym with babysitting and make a point to get there at least twice a week.  Find an exercise class that meets early and make the  effort to go.  Find a study partner and learn something together.  Go to the library and get a book on a topic you know nothing about and learn it.  Whatever it is - keep yourself engaged.  Everyone has different avenues to do this (mine is almost always exercise - I could go on a lot about the benefits from a health and mind/body wellness perspective but I'll only do that if people request an exercise how to post).  Volunteer somewhere other than your kids school - a community organization or a cause that means a lot to you (warning - don't over commit on this even if you think it is your self nurturing time because it tends to impact your family if you do and then you'll find it more a drain on you than a self nurturing setting).  It doesn't matter what form your self nurturing time takes - you need to make it a priority.

In the end of the day your kids are actually going to manage without you and your house likely won't fall apart from a little neglect if that is what it takes.  If you have a supportive partner, hopefully they won't allow that to happen - they'll pick up the pieces when you get to be out and you won't suffer from it after.  Sometimes we need to encourage our partners to make this time for themselves if they don't know how to as well.  The end result is a better parent who has more time and energy to give to their kids.  And kids who see balance.  And a house which is healthier.

Let's be honest - there will still be days you're gonna be DONE - but you, the person who you are and the human in you - will be thriving and well.

Family Time

Family time can either be an amazing experience where everyone really feels they bonded or an absolute nightmare - depending on so many factors.

Let’s take  a typical example. You are trying to get some QT in with your kids and you’ve planned an outing. You’ve put energy and thought into what the kids would like and you’ve carved out this much needed time. Then BAM - one of the kids pipes up and says this outing is stupid and the whole tone is set - in all the wrong ways. I can’t count how many times this has happened in my life and it’s so incredibly frustrating. You just want them to take advantage of the opportunities and not prejudge them. You want everyone to realize that fun is what you make fun. But that perspective is so very lacking at a young age - they’re living in the here and now and do not seem to be able to see past it. So how can we make family time an all around good experience?

If I had the perfect answer to this I think I would be the best selling author to a self help parenting book - but I can offer some ideas and perspective that may help improve both the actual family time and your personal experience with it.

Family time can take on so many faces - in the house with a game night, dinner outdoors where everyone sits down at  once, a short outing or a big trip. Don’t discount small family time opportunities. Not to sound cliche but life really is made up of a compilation of lots of little things. Make small opportunities more often so the family gets into a good groove of just being together and  present.

I think it helps to have perspective on what your expectations are for time together. All too often I find that things are disappointing because my expectations were too high. I don’t recommend having no expectations but my motto in life is to always keep my expectations of others low so I’m surprised when things work out well. It may sound pessimistic but in a way it leaves more room for happiness with situations.

Practically here are some ways to maximize the family time. First, I’d highly recommend making a no personal tech rule for family time - it’s reallt hard to bond when you’re competing with the phone for “face time”. Second, for both the small and big family time experiences - set a time limit. Just like when you are out with your kids anywhere and you want to quit when you’re ahead - family time should have a structure and when you finish don’t drag it out. Meltdowns from over extending the time will likely be all you remember from an outing and can so easily be avoided. This applies to small kids as well as teens (and lets be real, parents also).  Third, don’t make small family times an A basket issue. This is a hard thing for me to live up to but over time I’ve learned - if a child is making an issue about family time and they’re going to ruin it for everyone else - let it be. Sometimes family time can be partial family too. As hard as this is it’s really smart for the general vibe. I’ve let a child stay home and skip a day trip and I even once conceded and let one miss a family vacation. It wasn’t a battle I wanted to fight and it didn’t feel like even if I won the remainder of the family would benefit. I wouldn’t recommend this as Plan A and I’d certainly say this only kicks in when you’re dealing with older teens - but even little kids sometimes can’t hack a small family time experience like a game night when they’re in a rotten mood and it’s OK to say this is one you can sit out. I know I’ll have people who disagree on that but I’ve listened to too many parents complain about a ruined family time experience because they forced a recalcitrant child to be part and I think it’s sad to ruin it for everyone. I would, however, strongly advise that if you need to take this route - make sure the rest have a blast so they talk it up and that child senses they don’t want to miss out again.

Now for the how to ideas - involve the kids in the planning. If you make it too much of a free for all you’re unlikely to come to a Consensus but you could take different approaches to this. A round robin planning opportunity could help. Have a chart where each kid gets a turn to plan the monthly (or weekly or whatever interval) outing. Or which game to play after dinner one weekend night. A little pep talk about people being cooperative with others ideas if they want others to be cooperative about theirs may go far in this arena. Or there could be an ongoing list of activity ideas and you could choose one or two to vote on each time. There are a ton of website which list things to do in your area. If you’re heading to a new place - googling “24 hours in (location ) to find out the highlights of that area. Set a budget before you suggest an idea so you can know what the parameters are. Adding more financial stress to families is never conducive to a relaxing experience.

For big trips - remember less is more. Yes - there are places that are conducive to sunrise to twilight  days - but on more relaxed big trips- go for later mornings (even if your kids don’t sleep late) so there’s a relaxed feeling and people can take their time and have free playing opportunities. In general try to plan but not over plan. Vacations can be relaxing with kids (to a degree) if you don’t feel like every moment needs structure. And (on the topic of the big trips) - expect some parts to be less than family bonding oriented because everyone can’t be “on” all the time and disagreements will happen.  Try not to let them mark the time - like other things - take a step back when they don’t go as planned, find that reset and remind yourself of the big picture - bonding and memories. After a short reset break you can likely take it back to where you want it to be.  One last suggestion for big trips - establish some traditions. These can be little things like a song you sing every time you pass something on the road (going to the beach every summer we sang “it’s a grand old flag” every time we passed an American flag) or games you play on the road or a specific game you always play in vacation (long evenings of Risk for those old enough to remember it). You could choose anything but you’d be amazed to hear your kids talk about these years later with such fondness. This only hit me recently when my oldest kids (some already in college) were telling the younger (who are still in elementary) about those things from past trips.