I think it pays to think about how and why the kids debate or argue with us to figure out the best tools to give them to have respectful arguing habits.
In order to do this we should probably start with the most common types of arguments people use (better known as logical fallacies) as a refresher for those not so familiar. There are certain types of arguments that are common and often effective but illogical. These include (but aren’t limited to)
- ad hominem attack - when you attack a person rather than the issue at hand
- Circular - a logical fallacy in which the person begins with what they’re trying to end with
- Appeal to authority - when you use the opinion or actions of someone deemed respected as the validation for your argument
- Appeal to ignorance - depending on the ignorance of the other party to win your argument
- Slippery slope - when you argue that something is wrong because it will cause other things (worst case scenario)
To learn more about this topic - check out https://www.amazon.com/Illustrated-Book-Bad-Arguments/dp/1615192255/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?keywords=bad+arguments+ali+almossawi&qid=1559918575&s=gateway&sprefix=bad+argu&sr=8-2 An Illustrated Book of Bad Arguments.
Ok - so now that we are pros at arguments - which arguments are we using when debating things with our kids? Can we teach them the art of debate from a young (or teen) age so they can effectively argue points without attacking or insulting? Let’s look at each fallacy in our list and find tools to counter those with positive argument skills.
Ad Hominem- I often overhear kids (and some adults) using name calling when they talk to each other and “debate” points (“are you stupid” is one that comes readily to mind). What they are really trying to say is more about were you not focused on what I was saying and didn’t comprehend it? Possibly spaced out and missed some details? Ad hominem attacks take the focus away from the topic and onto the person - never what you are really aiming for. I think most people are left feeling guilty after using these since they didn’t “win” the debate and they hurt or offended someone in the process. So step 1 - help kids focus on the WHAT - what is it you’re arguing/debating about? Stay on point and it will remain respectful.
Circular- everyone goes into a debate with a goal in mind. If you are only focusing on your point or your goal you will never truly hear the other sides point. So Step 2 - LISTEN and open your mind (and ears) to the other side and try and understand their take on the issue. You may be surprised by what you hear. If you only have your end goal in mind it’s more of a monologue than a debate.
Appeal to authority- whatever you are debating about has its own merits. If the only reason you can find for your side of a debate is because someone else said it or did it - you probably don’t have much reason behind your stance. Step 3 - WHY? Be able to answer the question yourself before you try and defend your position to someone else.
Appeal to Ignorance - no one knows about everything in this world - it’s a vast universe and we can’t and won’t know everything. Don’t use ignorance to your advantage. Step 4 - EXPLAIN- if there are facts or information you need to share about the situation to clarify - please do!
Slippery Slope - this part is more what we shouldn’t do when arguing or debating with our kids - deal with the situation at hand and not the worst case scenario of what may happen if you do agree to whatever the issue at hand is.
To summarize - when teaching kids the art of debate - ask these questions
- What are you arguing about? Stay on point
- Listen to both sides of the debate and don’t prejudge your position
- Be able to answer the Why of what you’re discussing
- Share all the facts and information
- Deal with the case in point and not everything else that may happen
If they can master these steps they’ll be respectful debaters and may even win more debates at home and in life - respectful debate goes far.
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