Sports

What I’m about to do feels almost heretical. I know to many sports is like a religion - and, as with religion, people feel incredibly strongly about their opinions. And my view of it may very well be diametrically opposed to someone else’s. So that’s my caveat before I begin. Hoping not to offend.

I grew up in a house where I recall no role for formalized sports. Yes, I have two incredible brothers, but don’t remember either ever playing on a team or watching professional sports. My father never seemed interested. We did plenty of exercise- my parents ran daily and I recall one of my brothers being skilled at Martial Arts - but official sports, never. The first time I can remember ever being exposed to sport fan-dom was when our close friends son got married. A die-hard Redskins fan, my mom and her friends decided to make his post wedding celebration in the theme of the team. Down to maroon tablecloths and a signed helmet. And when my brother in law from Chicago joined the family, we definitely heard mention of the Bulls and the White Sox and possibly some other teams. To put it mildly, formalized sports was not on my radar.

When it comes to school sports, I think we have to remember the key word - SCHOOL.  School is a place to learn - for the skilled educators to shape and model our children.  Sports coaches and the school's attitude towards sports should be no different.  I do believe in healthy competition, to a degree, but overall, I think sports has a lot to teach our children about how to understand themselves and their peers and the world around them.

When my children switched into their current school, one of the many things I had heard was there was great opportunity to be had in the extracurricular arena. Among other offerings, there were many sports teams they could be part of. I found this intriguing, as an avid runner and someone who values physical activity and all the benefits, mental and health related, this was an exciting opportunity and I encouraged my children to be part of it. Boy was I in for a surprise.  I expected them to practice and get to move on a regular basis, but I was not prepared for the games.  I was definitely not prepared for the concept of "benching" a child.  For those of you unfamiliar (yes, I'm sure I'm not the only one who didn't know this existed) there are players who, for whatever reason their coach decides, sit on the bench for an entire season.  They are sometimes played in games, for a minute or two. But for all intense purposes, they sit and watch as spectators as the other kids get playing time.  You would think they would have had to do something really awful for this predicament, but they actually don't.  What I've witnessed, both in my kids teams but also on many other teams, is that coaches choose their "favorites" before the season even starts and those kids just get played.  Sometimes, those are the highly skilled kids, but not always.  We've all witnessed favoritism and its never a pretty sight, but it is especially awful to watch in this arena where it is so public.  Aside from the obvious issues, I truly think coaches are missing significant opportunities.

Sports is an amazing way to build skills.  Not only do you learn the skills of the game itself, you learn everything from dexterity to coordination, but it is an incredible opportunity to build interpersonal skills and teamwork.  It is practically a social skills group.  Kids can learn to identify their own strengths and weaknesses and build on them.  They can learn how to identify other people's strengths and play to them.  They learn to share and that teamwork is the key to success, it isn't about the ones who score the points but about the assists and the "play".  They can learn how to be graceful winners and graceful losers.  They learn commitment and focus.  The child who lacks confidence can find a way to shine in a totally different way on the field or the court.  There are so many things to be gained above just the pursuit of trophies and banners. 

Yes, every school wants to win, but at what cost? And, you can win but not crush.  Have you ever sat at a game where the team was winning by such a large margin, there was no coming back for the opposing team, yet the strongest players (the "starters") were still in? I have, and it is more than mildly ridiculous.  Once they "have it in the bag," every child should be out there, getting time on the court.  There is no reason to teach kids to be crushers, teach them to be graceful and maybe a bit merciful.  And when you're talking about lower and middle school teams, play all the players - I'm not advocating equal playing minutes for every kid - but be reasonable.  You have to give them a chance to play if you want them to improve.  Many of the kids in these age groups haven't spent time in the game, and if they don't put them out at that point, they never will. 

I've discussed this with the headmaster at our school and been told that when kids are just allowed to play without "earning it," they will become entitled.  Tell me, exactly, how a ten year old who shows up to every practice "earns" their playing time? Or a high school boy who is capable but hasn't been shown the same favoritism? Yes, I believe the kids should show up, learn the discipline, show dedication and commitment - I'm not advocating for putting every kid in for the same amount of time.  But I am advocating for the sports to be more about character building and less about favoritism.  More focus on building people who care, who see everyone, who work together and play together.  Lets encourage the kids who want to move but aren't necessarily graceful athletes to continue to play.  Lets make it about building champion humans!

Can You Be Both?

Since I really write this to think through my approach and struggles, I decided today's post, though only tangentially about parenting, would be ok.


I recently had a conversation that really left me thinking about myself in a way that is almost uncomfortable but all too necessary.  The question posed to me was why I need to always be focused on improvement.  It seems like a strange question on the one hand - self improvement is supposed to be something we strive for - but when I thought about it, it was a really good question.  Self improvement means that we are actually looking at ourselves critically and deciding what we need to change.  Change means we don't like something the way it is.  In truth, I realized that the constant self reflection actually, in some ways, makes you someone who is dissatisfied with yourself. 


Yes, this is a strange conundrum.  We want to be people who strive for greatness, with a growth mindset - so how can we be both happy with who we are and where we are and also strive for improvement?


My favorite concept in High School was always BALANCE, it was something I thought about and pondered a lot.  I may have even written some poems about it...I know...this is getting embarrassing.  I think balance is such an important concept in our lives in everything we do.  I think it is possible to balance being a person who strives for growth while still being happy with who you are and where you are. 


The first thing I think we need to think about is how we see ourselves currently.  While being able to be critical about ourselves is an important skill, do we need to be negatively critical? Are we happy with ourselves overall? Do we find that we are frustrated on a regular basis by everyday occurrences?  Sometimes we are holding on to all types of anger or dissatisfaction and we don't even realize it, but it comes out in strange ways - like constantly second guessing ourselves or getting upset about inconsequential events.  When you stop to think about it, we all know someone who always seems to be all in a tizzy about every little issue.  If you answered yes to any of those questions, take some time and think about what it is that is really bothering you and try to figure out how to change that.  Once you do, you will likely stop seeing yourself as failing with your kids (or spouse or whatever) and needing a revamp and be able to think about improvement as step upwards while already standing in a pretty good place.


More than anything, what we have been focusing on is thoughtful parenting, the ability to be conscientious and react in appropriate ways that will shape our children's mindsets and thought patterns.  That will help them become thoughtful people, who make smart choices and react to situations in a thoughtful manner.  All too often, people get into patterns and habits in life that don't align with thoughtfulness - life can be very monotonous, aka it gets boring to do the same thing day in and day out and sometimes that causes us to turn our brains off - to go into autopilot. Habits are easy to form and really hard to break.  We get steeped in our lives and sometimes miss the big picture.  Having a place and a time to reflect on that and step back is an amazing opportunity.


One of the purposes of this blog is to help shut off the autopilot and regain the reins.  But that shouldn't be at the expense of seeing yourself and your parenting as something you need to overhaul, completely stop in your tracks or realize what huge mistakes you've made.  Mistakes are ok as long as they aren't repeated (too many times).  It is to help you make thoughtful, conscientious choices with yourselves and your children so you can feel fulfilled and propel your growth forward.

Imposter?

I remember when I had just finished college and, after interning at a company during my schooling, they offered me a full time position. I was thrilled and terrified. Supposedly I knew what to do, after all I had just earned my BS in Computer Science, but to tell you the truth I hadn’t a clue what I was doing. Everyone says you really learn what to do on the job - and there I was faced with this feeling like I had no knowledge whatsoever to face this new reality. In truth, I had many of the skills I would need to successfully navigate the workplace, I just didn’t realize it at the time. 

The first time I heard someone refer to the imposter syndrome I felt I could totally relate. Who hasn’t spent some time feeling like a fraud ? As adults we are somehow supposed to know what to do and when to do it and yet many of us are just as lost about how to approach a situation as the people we need to guide. For those who aren’t familiar, imposter syndrome (from a layman’s words here) is feeling like everyone else thinks you know what you’re doing but you don’t actually believe in your competence in the matter. People struggle with this in all ways - ever given a task at work and think you have no idea how to even begin? Dealing with a situation with your spouse or children where you are supposed to have all the answers but you feel like you have absolutely no idea what to do? Just thinking everyone else knows how to handle this and thinks I know how but they’re just gonna walk in one day and realize I’m not qualified.

In truth no matter how much we study, learn, read or otherwise educate ourselves in life - in some ways we are all frauds. No one knows exactly what to do or how to do it. And even in cases where we do know, sometimes all tried and true methods just don’t work because of the human element - we can’t know how someone will react until we try our hand at it. Parenting, and life for that matter, is trial and error. We do what we can, we try our best and we see how it goes. The difference between those of us who feel successful and competent and those who feel like they’re constantly drowning is mostly about the approach and attitude you have to your own skill set. And for many of us, if we’re being honest, our attitude is a combination of confidence and drowning. In short, we all feel like frauds sometimes and that’s actually ok.

The key, I believe, is the front which you present to your kids. If your children see you as insecure, unsure or hesitant the majority of the time - they’ll likely use that to their advantage. They might make you doubt yourself. If you punt to your partner and won’t make decisions the majority of the time, they see you as weak and pliable (think, wait til your father comes home...). Putting on a front doesn’t mean you have to feel it inside - inside you might be scared stiff or beyond the point of confusion - but outwardly you need to appear confident. It’s a balancing act, at times an impossible one, but who said this job would be easy ?

It isn’t realistic to do this all the time - and honestly it’s also not healthy. That’s why I said the majority of the time. It’s ok for your kids to see you vulnerable sometimes. For them to understand the human side of you and know you can grapple with things. I always have more respect for the person who tells me they don’t know the answer to a question or the solution to a particular issue but they will look into it and get back to me. We can do that with our kids sometimes - being confident doesn’t mean being all knowing. It just means being in charge of the situation and being able to provide a level of confidence in being able to get to a solution.

One thing I struggled with significantly as my kids came into their teen years was that balance of taking charge and seeming like I had it covered and being real with them. It’s a dangerous line to tow - on the one hand they want you to be honest and real with them. On the other they want you to be the adult in every situation. Believe me when I tell you it is very easy to step over the line and very hard to straddle it. I made many mistakes in this arena with my first kids and what I’ve learned from those times is that being honest doesn’t have to mean full and complete honesty with your kids. It can mean telling them that you’re struggling with a particular situation, not making them your confidant but allowing them to see that you are a human. And then reassuring them that struggling Doesn’t mean you are not OK, or that you do not know what to do, but that you are assessing the situation and deciding the best course of action. It is possible to be real and a bit of a fraud at the same time.

Everyone spends a lot of time putting on masks in this world. The mask we wear to work, the mask we wear for friends, we all have a variety of masks and we use them for different occasions. Try your best to have someone with whom you never need a mask, where the real you, the vulnerable or confused or (fill in the blank) you is able to be present - but when it comes to your kids, no matter how you feel on the inside, pull out your confident, self assured and powerful mask and wear it well.

Imperfect Perfection...Mistakes Happen

George Bernard Shaw once said that "If there was nothing wrong in the world there wouldn't be anything for us to do."  Put well but differently by Salvador Dalí, "Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it". The strive for perfection is one familiar to many of us.  Who doesn't want the perfect life? The perfect spouse? The perfect kids? Perfection comes in big and small packages - do you have a kid who needs to achieve perfect marks? Do you need a picture perfect clean house?  We view the world through the lens of social media and everyone's picture perfect moments and its hard to remember that life is not actually perfect. And people are definitely far from perfect. 

I find myself grappling with this concept a lot - I set up a picture in my mind of what my life should be like or how a specific situation should go and then when it doesn't go as scripted, I'm often left feeling a great amount of disappointment.  When I was a teenager I remember consciously setting my expectations low so I wouldn't be disappointed.  When my sister went to a year abroad and really didn't have a great experience, I followed her trail and went to the same school abroad the following year with expectations at about zero.  (Ask me what I was thinking going to the same place when she really didn't enjoy the experience and I'll go back to the young and dumb post from the past, but honestly it was an amazing year experience for me and I really grew from it).  As an adult, I have grappled with the expectations piece - I don't want to set low expectations so that I will always be satisfied, I want to strive for greatness and be able to achieve it.  So how do we find that balance?  Can we be great but not perfect parents? Help our children have high but realistic expectations? Strive for near perfection but not think they must be perfect?  Make mistakes and misstep and still stay on track to reach goals?

To tell you the truth, the greatest lessons I've learned on this particular topic have been from a wise friend of mine.  Of all the adults I know, this friend has been one that has shown me what true growth and development as an adult mean.  They often tell me about the fairy tale world that I live in (in a friend kind of way of course) and about adjusting my expectations to be more in line with the real world.  So today I will share some of the wisdom I have learned from them.

It is not always the actual event or end result that matters, it is the process.  We can't always get a situation right on the first try, and we don't have to.  What matters more than the actual result is what we do with the experience.  If we make mistakes, if we don't achieve perfection, what do we do with our failure or lack of perfection?  It breaks down into a few pieces:

1. How quickly do we right our course? If we make a mistake, can we recognize it and get back on track? The more quickly we are able to course correct, the nearer we come to the perfection we are striving towards. There are times we can correct ourselves immediately and reset. Other times, we need to give ourselves a moment (or a day or a week) to regroup. Learning to take that time and analyze ourselves is a hard but important step towards fixing our missteps. 

2. What lessons can we take away from these experiences? Can we find ways to prevent the same experience happening again? Being able to discuss and dissect our mistakes is a real sign of a growing person who is striving towards near perfection.  This piece can also have very important ramifications in terms of helping our kids achieve the results they are striving for in their various situations. If we can help them dissect their processes and figure out how to set up systems for success that work for them, they will have an easier time achieving good results. A child who needs more structure and process with their studying will constantly face the feelings of anxiety and potentially failure when trying to study for exams if they cram. And two week study plans would fall flat for others. Helping them figure out their best fit can help set them up for success. 

3. Can we leave our mistakes and failures behind and move forward?  Not dwelling on the things you haven't done perfectly helps us be able to move forward and learn from all of our experiences.  Mistakes should be used as a springboard for success. Most inventors failed several times before hitting their mark - we should expect no less of ourselves. 

For fear of sounding like a broken record, I will venture to say talk to your kids! Discuss your goals, discuss your struggles.  Keep the dialogue going, share your failures and successes, they need to see you as a growing, changing, developing human. 

We will make mistakes, we are human. What we do with our mistakes is far more important than the fact that we made them.  Modeling these behaviors to our children will help them integrate these techniques into their lives.

Silence

In the wee hours of the morning, as I lay awake for the third or fourth time (I hate when I set an alarm to run early but somehow my body doesn't quite trust that I will wake up), I had an entire blog post composed.  What I should have done was taken my computer out then and there and put my thoughts on paper.  Now I'm trying to reconstruct it, it was a good one!

My father as a very quiet man to most who knew him.  He definitely had a lot to say on many topics but he chose his words carefully.  He had mastered silence in a way few people ever do.  The thing all of his children wanted more than anything was his approval, which he usually gave in generous heaps (he loved his kids like crazy). On the rare occasions where you had let him down, the silence hurt worse than a slap (which, in those days, was still an acceptable mode of discipline, though he never used it).  I remember the feeling of standing in that silence, feeling every bit of the sadness and disappointment in that air.  It was not a pleasant feeling, but it was a powerful one.  There are few people who exist in this universe who are quite like my father was.  His ability to control his emotions and convey so little anger or upset in our family is a hard thing to describe. The anniversary of his passing, in December, always leaves me thinking about things from his life that I want to integrate into my own.  And this year, after several situations with different children where I was at a loss as to how to proceed in the best way, it struck me that silence is a tool I would like to learn and master.

Every situation and every child is unique.  As parents, we do our best to be proactive, to think through our children's struggles and opportunities, to help them utilize every  situation.  We want to be master planners and executors.  Despite our best efforts, we are going to get into situations where our tactics will not work and yet our children need consequences.  When your children are small, there are many ways in which to find consequences that will have a profound effect on them and help them change their behavior.  Take, for example, a child who has recurrent meltdowns.  You can attempt to incentivize, rewarding them for situations where they didn't melt down.  If all positive options fail, they can be removed from the room, lose a privilege or a toy, etc.  We have options because we are, from their perspective, mostly in control.  They may try to assert their own control at times but from a more global view, they are powerless.  As children get older, there is less we can do to assert our opinions and have it matter to them.  This obviously depends on your child, some children are naturally more inclined to keep the peace and please their parents.  If you are so lucky as to have a teenager with this disposition, you can probably stop reading here. 

For the rest of us, we are left with a situation where there is little, if anything, we can do to exert control. When we want something done or changed, do we actually have a path forward?  Obviously, certain things are still within our control - we can choose to incentivize where possible or withhold privileges - a teen who is not being considerate with their use of the car can lose the chance to use it.  But there are so many times and situations where the thing that matters to them is getting their way and they are willing to lose anything to get it.

This, in my opinion, is where the silence factor plays a huge role.  If our children want our approval, which most do, then we can help them change their behaviors by withholding our words. 

Before we go there, I'll preface with the fact that to let this tactic be effective, you do have to be praiseworthy when the situation calls for it.  Share your pleasure in seeing them do the right thing.  Share it OFTEN!  Don't let them think they only hear from us when things go wrong, when they make a misstep.   And, before going into silent mode, try your normal tactics of behavior modification.

If you've tried some or all of the following and failed, then move to option 2 (silence):
-Discuss (don't debate) what the issue is in a calm time (if possible, if not - at least in a calm voice)
-Offer alternative behavior paths
-Alert them to the consequences of their behavior
-Give them some time to think about it (again, if possible, not every situation allows for this)

Now, if all of the above seem to have fallen flat.  If they don't care if they will never have privileges again, if going to their special event doesn't matter to them, if if if...then stop talking.  Don't discuss or debate any further.  You have given them every chance and they don't seem to care.  But the silence has to be full and total.  Not the 'I'm not talking to you' immature type of silence.  The type they feel, where you are in a room but can practically look past them without noticing they are there.  You can let them know you will be tuning them out.  I advise this if they are the type of child who will believe you are being spiteful.  I think it is completely acceptable to preface with "Unfortunately you have made some poor choices and I can no longer have a discussion with you about this.  If you continue this behavior, I will stop engaging with you."  This shows them you are in control of the silence and not just angry.  This type of silence has nothing to do with anger.  It is a parent who is in total control of their emotions. 

I won't lie, this is the absolute hardest thing for me as a parent.  It is a tactic I resort to only when all else has failed.  I always want my kids to just be happy and I can't understand why they can't just get on board sometimes or pull it together.  But they really can't sometimes and despite my best efforts, they won't until they have to sit in that silence and absorb it.  Perhaps once those Darn Frontal Lobes develop and mature, maybe this won't be necessary, but in the meantime....Good luck with the Peace and Quiet!

Experiential Learning

Today is The first of January. Typically a day for resolutions. I was reading somewhere recently that every year needs a defining word. I’ve decided that my word for 2020 is going to be VISION. Yes, it’s cringy (as my teenagers would refer to it) but it is something I have thought about a while and realized that with clear vision, goals and priorities can really get set straight. With that in mind, this post is geared at helping our kids find some vision about the world around us.

Most of our children’s lives is spent in school - sad but true fact. Once they start kindergarten, they’re in school more of their waking hours than they are home. School works for some children and they learn vast amounts of useful knowledge...and not so well for others. Whichever type of learner your child is - everyone benefits from experiential learning.

With a family of our size, I’m the last person to say everyone can travel - traveling is expensive and hard to work out. Most regular people don’t get the opportunity to travel often and that’s just reality. But recently we had the amazing opportunity to travel with our family. It was the first time we actually flew with all of the kids at once (for tips on how to make it possible...well that is a subject for an entirely separate post but it involved a lot of strategic credit cards and mileage points). But here is what I realized from the experience- traveling to a new place, seeing a different side of the world where the nature and culture is different - it’s the real classroom for the kids. It opens their eyes and moves their souls. And it got me thinking about how we can integrate more experience based learning into our children’s lives. We aren’t going to single-handedly change our school systems to have experience based learning as their primary method of teaching, so if we want our children to benefit from this we have to create opportunities.

Obviously if you have the means to take them traveling - go for it! I honestly think my kids were able to appreciate it in a different way because they knew it was such a priceless and unique opportunity but even if you take them often, make it count. Don’t just run to a resort or Disney, find places and people that live differently. Have them see and experience different living conditions. Show them what is out there.

And for the rest of us, who don’t get that chance often - there are still ways to do that right in your home towns.

First, festivals. Almost every city has several that run throughout the year. Look them up and go check them out. I know here in DC the Smithsonian runs a folk life festival every year. It’s always amazing to see the people from all over the world and their crafts and traditions. Get involved!

Second, remember when we were younger and our teachers set up pen pals? Why did that ever stop? What a way to meet kids in other places and realize they’re just like you yet have totally different lives. We can pick a place with our kids and study it. Figure things out. If you can’t experience the real thing - virtually experience.  The internet has so much to offer! Virtual reality devices even let you feel as if you’re there. And bring it to life with projects and recipes from that country! Find ways to experience a place before you get the chance to visit. It might take some effort, but I believe the benefits outweigh the time it’ll take to invest. And it doesn’t have to be all at once - you can set a goal to spend 6 months on one locale - no one is rushing you to fit it in in seven days like you would have to on a trip!

Third, remember that even your own city or neighborhood has a lot more diversity than you may be aware of. Even if you are living one type of lifestyle, I’d venture to guess there are a lot of people not far from you who live differently. Some have different traditions, others different means. Open their eyes to a less sheltered version of the world around you. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, try to befriend someone who is different than your family and has different traditions. The possibilities are endless when we open our eyes to the different things around us.

When the world is our classroom, there are always opportunities to learn.

Independence

A few summers ago my three oldest daughters went on a trip to Europe alone. They were 19, 18 and 16 at the time. Most people who heard about it actually looked at me like I was insane. Who in their right mind would allow their three teenagers to travel Europe alone. They did something like 8 cities in 16 days and they had the time of their lives. It was amazing exposure to the world, bonding time and an incredible adventure. They worked hard, paid for the majority of the trip alone and, for the most part, navigated the situation on their own. They planned and executed just about every detail alone. But when they were en route to Paris their air bnb fell through at the last minute and they were scrambling and their cell phones were almost out of battery and they had no idea what to do - that’s when they called mommy for a bit of help. I booked them a hotel and sorted things out - swooped in when there was a bit of panic. (To the question of whether we are crazy parents for allowing the trip...jury’s still out. I actually never regretted it for a second - though I definitely worried for more than a few seconds while they were out traipsing the world).

When my kids were little, I was fiercely determined to teach them to be independent. I was that mom who let them choose their clothes and walk out dressed kinda crazy, who insisted they tie their own shoes and button themselves even when it meant things took soooo much longer. There were definitely times I thought to myself - why did I create this monster - we just gotta get out the door.  All I wanted was to make sure they had a strong sense of their own abilities to navigate in a world where all too often you’re on your own and need to know how to maneuver alone.  Now that my first few girls are older and I watch their independence, sometimes it actually scares me. I might have done too good a job at this particular aspect of their life. At times I notice them thinking they have to go at things alone when they could come and get some help or advice or support. So today’s conundrum is - can we teach our kids independence while still leaving the door open to teamwork? Are they mutually exclusive?

Somewhere in this great universe there is an incredible concept called balance - if someone out there has actually found a way to teach it and define it, please share! But in all honesty, I believe there is a tremendous amount of balancing when it comes to life and this issue in particular. We must give our kids their wings and let them fly. They need to trust themselves and their abilities. There are definitely situations where we have to be like those mother birds and push them out of the nest and test their wings. And there are times when they need to fall flat on their faces and pick themselves back up without our help. But there are also times when we need to step in and guide and direct them.   So how can we find the balance on this particular issue? Honestly, part of me thinks we apply so many of the rules we’ve set up for ourselves in parenting already.

To start, how can we foster that much needed independence?

Before delving into the how to - I have to throw a thought out there. Many parents don’t foster independence because of two things - their own fears or because deep down they want their children to need them. Try to remember never to let your fear define their lives. And that they will always need you (read this post on relevance).

Once you remember that, the first question to ask yourself is - what basket does the issue they’re facing fall into? (For a review of the basket method, read this post). If the issue you’re facing is an A basket - especially if their safety is involved, I would strongly suggest that you don’t use it as the time to teach independence. There will be plenty of opportunities to teach it, I personally wouldn’t focus on it with an issue you’re really focused and struggling in with them.

Second, most of independence is about self confidence. Being self aware, knowing your own strengths and weaknesses and believing you can do whatever task is at hand is how most adults approach situations and navigate them. Bolster their self confidence at every turn. If they feel you believe in them, it will help them believe in themselves.

Third, teach them troubleshooting skills. Most problems don’t have one solution- there are so many ways to approach an issue. When you come up against issues with them, discuss the options - talk it through and role play. Let them be the problem solvers. I often apply the rule of 3 (discussed this back in my post about teaching resilience).  If you are constantly feeding them the solutions to their problems, they will feel they need you to come up with those solutions. You’d be amazed what they can come up with given the opportunity.

But, most importantly, remind them they’re never in it alone.

They have you and you will always have their back. Remind them often and especially in difficult situations that they can come to you when they hit a wall. That they should never give up on something because they can’t accomplish it alone. Remind them that everyone needs community and we all thrive on it. Remind them that it doesn’t make them dependent to need help with someone. Show them in your own life how you use your family/friends/community to accomplish your goals. Independence and community are not mutually exclusive. They actually feed each other and allow each to grow and thrive.

There are situations where independence is essential - they must be able to navigate situations and think and strategize and plan and execute alone. But life is not all or nothing and when we are in difficult situations, the best thing we can have is support.

Hitting Reset ... Finding the Love

One of the amazing things about life is that sometimes no matter how right we are, we are actually wrong. That may seem like an odd statement but when you stop to think about it - there are times when we do all the right things, have a solid course of action and a smart, thoughtful plan and yet it goes all wrong. Or it goes right from our end but the recipient doesn’t think it’s gone well at all. In short, even the best laid out plans fail.

As parents we sometimes get into situations where no matter how perfect our strategy - it just is not working. We planned, thought through our goals for the child and the situation and came up with what, objectively, seems like the perfect approach. Despite all of the work and thought we put in, though, the plan fails miserably. Our child is not at all receptive to our approach and no matter how hard we try to discuss, frame, explain - we have to face the truth - it isn’t working. I’ll tell you the truth, sometimes we can’t face that. Or we can’t see it because we are so embroiled in the struggle over whatever it is that we just keep, essentially, banging our heads against the wall.

Recently I had this happen. I was convinced that my approach with a certain issue for one of my kids was the only way. And although logically, my way made sense - my child was not responsive at all. In fact, I was actually shutting them down. And I honestly couldn’t see it myself. It took a wise friend to tell me point blank - “you are failing , you need to stop. Remind your child that you love them and then you need to change gears” (thank you, wise friend, your advice was exactly what I needed to hear).

At that point when you come to this realization you are sort of at a crossroads. You could try another approach (and eventually you probably should) but before you do, sometimes it is important to find the reset button. Take a moment and remember the underlying reason you are doing all of this - your child’s welfare. Because we actually only want what’s best for them. Everything we do for them is ultimately a way to show our love for them. If we didn’t care about them, none of these struggles and failures and successes would mean much. It’s incredibly important to take the time and show them that love.

I heard a beautiful eulogy this past week where the wife of the person who had passed away said “he held my hand through life, literally and figuratively. And every once in a while, he would squeeze my hand to remind me he was there.” It was so touching and also such a great message to take away. We are all in this life together, we are trying our best but even our best just doesn’t cut it sometimes. But everyone, in the end of the day, just needs to feel a little squeeze. A reminder that you are there and even if you’re fighting or struggling or can’t find the same page - you love them. Stress the love.

I strive to give practical advice on this blog - so readers aren’t left feeling like that’s a nice thought but how do I do that when I’m in the middle of world war 3 with my child?

Here’s how - gestures. Big gestures. Small gestures. Any gesture to remind them you are there. Write a card to tell them you love them and you don’t love fighting with them. Buy them flowers. Leave them a little surprise in their backpack that they’ll find and remember how much you care. Text them how proud you are of their accomplishments.

And honestly, don’t wait until you’re deep into battle to do this - try and find small ways to remind them you love them in everyday life. A note in their lunchbox. A fog message on the shower door. Remind them that you’re there. No matter what.

And when you do, you’d be surprised how quickly they may be able to get on board - maybe not with  your original strategy- but likely with a joint strategy they help devise to work through their issues. And they’ll know, deep down, that all you really want is to love them.

When We ARE Wrong

I had an awful exchange with one of my kids recently - I missed every parenting mark in the book, I forgot to start with praise, tell them all the positives and then gently work into my issue. And they were genuinely upset - and rightly so. Thankfully, being a good communicator they were able to tell me why they felt what they felt (the next morning) - and that there were so many positive things I could have said before I told them about this issue.  I felt horrible and truthfully realized I had made a huge mistake.  And I admitted it to them straight out - you are right, I was wrong and I should have done this differently.  But this whole exchange got me to thinking about getting critiqued by our kids.  We previously discussed how to teach our kids to take criticism (see previous post) but we haven't really touched on the subject of how to react when they criticize US.

As it seems with many parenting discussions, this is a complicated discussion.  Firstly, everyone has different theories about how the respect aspect factors into their parenting.  Second, some people truly believe that parents should be an unquestioned source and that kids just have to accept what the parent does is for the best.  I, however, am kind of in a different camp on this one than those parents.  I believe our kids need to respect us, not so much fear us as ancient parenting wisdom calls for, but definitely respect.  But I don't believe parents are flawless creatures, ones whose children are basically at their mercy.  Lets be honest - there is a lot of trial and error when it comes to parenting.  We do our best, but at times we act impulsively, we are thoughtless, we make mistakes - big and small, in short, we act HUMAN! Whatever age our kids are at the time of our mistake, they can always learn something by us admitting the mistake and modeling how to apologize and take responsibility for our errors.  I don't think there is anything wrong with this, in fact I think there is a lot right about it. 

Obviously, we have to keep the conversation respectful in every aspect.  And we walk a fine line when we allow them to question our actions - this opens up a huge opportunity for them to question every move we make.  But I think there are ways to minimize that while still allowing for this unique opportunity to model this behavior.

For starters, try to recognize your error before they do.  If you do something/say something and then realize it was not appropriate - admit it before they come to you.  By doing this, you are modeling the ability to accept responsibility for your actions while not giving them the chance to question your behavior.  It minimizes that door opening effect.

If, however, you didn't catch your mistake before they did - I think it is important to be open and honest.  Listen to their criticism or complaint, hear them out before you try to respond.  Validate their feelings, it makes them feel heard.  Attempt not to make excuses.  It is easy to rationalize our behaviors but it only teaches them to rationalize their own mistakes.  Just accept the responsibility.  Then do the simple (but very difficult) thing of apologizing.  Try not to let it become a global issue (you always...you never... are some phrases I would steer clear of on both sides of this conversation) but keep to the matter at hand - I was wrong when I did XYZ, I'm sorry I didn't consider your feelings...etc.  Try not to let them turn it into a trial of your parenting (this is something you may struggle more with teenagers than a younger child you made a mistake with).  Just remember to keep on topic.  If they try to steer the conversation to the general - bring it back in with something like "we're just going to discuss the issue at hand and the mistake I made in this instance."

I think the most important thing about making mistakes with our children is showing them that we are people, that we try our best but don't always get it right but we care and want to change and fix our errors.  I believe there is no better lesson for them in life than to see that even adults, who they may see as finished products, are actually work in progresses just like they are.  Aside from the benefit of modeling this behavior for them while they are still home and growing and developing, who knows if maybe once they are adults they'll remember these times and be more motivated to continue to work and grow and develop far past their young years.

That Darn Frontal Lobe

Many parents have heard the research these days about how the frontal lobe isn’t fully developed in teenagers.  Historically it was believed that development was completed by age 10 but more recent science and research has shown that the frontal lobe doesn’t fully develop until the early 20’s.  So this may help us understand how our teenagers actually think.  What seems like insanity, obvious, nonsense, just doesn’t actually appear the same to them.  In an NPR article I read recently, they described it as

"It's the part of the brain that says: 'Is this a good idea? What is the consequence of this action?' " Jensen says. "It's not that they don't have a frontal lobe. And they can use it. But they're going to access it more slowly."  (Morning edition, March 2010)

So why, you may ask, am I citing articles and thinking about this? It is actually fairly straightforward.  Every time I have a confusing interaction with my teenagers and I start to think ‘is this me or them?’ I need to remind myself, its kind of neither.  They don’t see the world and reality in the same way we do as adults.  And it isn’t just about not having enough experience, though that obviously plays a part, it is actually because they are wired differently – or actually, not fully wired yet, according to the science that backs this up.

What seems so obvious to us, like the truth and reality is staring them in the face or the consequences of whatever said action might be are not worth it, actually doesn’t appear the same to them.

Can we change this? Can we alter their view of reality? Do we need to?

These are hard questions to answer and ones that obviously need a lot of situation specific answers.  But I do think there are some general rules we can use to help guide us through this difficult journey.

Rule #1 – asses what is at stake.  Is their safety at risk? Are they putting themselves or others at risk with their behavior? When it comes to poor choices, some affect your child more than others.  Some academic move they make at school should definitely be addressed differently than a physical safety concern.  For example, just because they don’t fully comprehend and understand the consequences of allowing kids to ride in their car without seatbelts doesn’t mean you should let that behavior slide.  Back to square one with that one, no discussion just repurcussion.  You laid out the rules of driving when you handed them the car keys (I hope, and if you didn’t, time to rewind and remind them of the rules) and if they didn’t follow them, consequences will dictate that they lose the privelege of driving.  Whereas not studying for a test and not thinking through the consequences of failing to put in effort and how that may or may not affect their ability to get into certain colleges should certainly be handled differently.  Yes, both of these speak to their lack of development in the front lobe – they aren’t comprehending the long term impact of their behaviors – but they should be addressed in different ways. 

Rule #2 – role play/discuss the scenarios.  Yes it’s back to my talking agenda. They may or may not be open to listening but that doesn’t mean to stop the talking (see my post on keeping up the talk  with your kids).  Help them think through the impact of their behaviors – big and small.  Are they planning a school prank that may not be seen as funny by the people involved? Help them assess the ramifications of their behavior before they put it into effect. 

Rule #3: Stress their importance. Sometimes teens feel like islands adrift. Alone. They don’t realize they are part of a community and they have a place. What they do matters to them and to others. It’s a reality we as parents should remind them. I honestly believe it will help them find their way and develop that awareness that may be naturally lacking or too early for them to understand. Do they continuously ignore the obvious truths staring right at them - concern from family or friends about being withdrawn or their principal repeatedly calling them out on the same issue? Discuss how people care about them and only want what’s best for them. That the greater collective of people really are out for their best. Show them both sides of whatever the issue is. Try to help them see beyond their limited and under developed view of the world. Past the judgements they believe people are making and into the real issues at hand. 

We can’t rush the frontal lobe into developing faster and there are going to be many times where despite our best efforts, their perspective is going to be from Pluto and ours from Mars or Venus but we may bridge the gap and help them past some of the big and small issues. With some luck maybe we can even tackle the really important ones that they face. 

Strategic Parenting

Recently I had a dilemma with a child where I had to get to the bottom of something and I knew my child wasn’t being completely honest with me from their end. I felt like a master manipulator as I attempted to get to the bottom of the issue from several different angles and I was left feeling like somehow even though I knew I did what I had to do, I was being dishonest to my true self. I’m a straight arrow and I follow rules. I say it like it is and often say it was too much like it is. I don’t couch truths or step carefully where feelings may be hurt - even to a fault. I know this about myself and yet there I was essentially bending truths and pushing limits - and telling myself it didn’t feel like me yet it felt necessary.

And so, today, dear readers - I deal with a tricky question - can we bend the truth when it comes to our kids and helping them resolve issues? Can we fudge the lines - in an ends justify the means type move?

A colleague of mine had a great term when we were discussing this issue - he told me it’s not manipulative when you’re a parent doing things for your child - it’s strategic parenting. And I knew instantly that he had Just coined what would become a favorite phrase for me. A concept i can cling to when my moral compass needs some calming down. Parenting is such a tricky thing - there are inevitably times when no matter how much we want to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, we can’t for the sake of our child. And yet we are still doing the right thing. 100% without a shred of doubt.

Obviously this presents some technical issues. First, being strategic is complicated. Whereas truths are easy to keep straight, everyone knows when you start to bend reality in any way you get into murky waters. You must keep your story straight. You cannot mix up the plan. It takes extremely careful planning and forethought to be a strategic parent. You must understand your goal and trust your gut. Think through the angles thoroughly before you take even the smallest step in these situations. The Most important thing is that your child can’t actually know the steps you’ve taken or the pieces you’ve put into place - yes, they are to their benefit but they don’t always have to understand the behind the scenes.

Since this seems very abstract, I’ll use an oversimplified example. Let’s take a teenager who you believe is cheating on their tests at school. The only reason this came to your attention in our example is because the friend they are cheating from spilled the beans to another kid in your carpool when they thought you could hear nothing of their conversation. Now of course you could go to your kid and confront them with the accusations but you have no proof and honesty no reasonable way to come and tell them without revealing your sources. And we all know how kids feel about snitches. Loyalty is of the utmost importance when you’re a teenager. So you need to think strategically.

First you ask yourself - what’s my goal? If you identify what you aim for your child to gain it will help you form a plan. It’s not always easy to know what you want out of a situation. Merely to “catch” them doesn’t really do much. When I’m thinking of my goals I like to focus on process. I want them to learn from their mistake. I want them to be able to admit and identify the point at which they went wrong so they can correct it for the future. I want them to learn the steps to the process so they can succeed in the future and not repeat the same mistake.

Back to our teen who we believe cheated on the test. So what’s the idea behind catching them? Or preventing a repeat episode? Clearly a child who cheats on a test is struggling. They may be struggling with the material being taught and too embarrassed to reach out for help lest they seem stupid. Or they may be struggling with test taking skills - even with all the material understood and comprehended perfectly it may be too hard for them to get their ideas across. Or, let’s face it this could be the case, they may be on the lazy side and don’t want to put the work in to get it done and be ready (but usually there’s both a pattern you could identify there and also an underlying cause of laziness). Before you take any action, do your best to identify the cause.

Now how could you strategically deal with our example? You could have a discussion with the teacher (if they’re the partnering type) and give them a heads up about what you think is going on in their class. Discuss your goals with them so it doesn’t just become a punitive fallout. If the issue is comprehension, after the inevitable fallout, talk to your child about how they tried to get help with the material and what else they could have done before resorting to cheating on a test (come to you for help, for example). Make sure you don’t get caught up in the catching them aspect and more focused on the process of how they can learn from the episode. No, it’s not telling on your child - it is helping them. The teacher could then catch the offenders and get to the bottom of the situation and no one was the wiser that you had a hand in it. You could talk to someone else in the school, resource or a counselor, have them assess your child for the issues you suspect - again no one has any clue you intervened.  You obviously can do many other things, plant some false cheat sheets, etc if you feel there’s a way they’ll learn from failing the test they thought they would ace through cheating. Like I said, it feels like scheming sometimes but there are times when scheming is helpful.

The bottom line is we walk a fine line as parents. Yes, we want to be straightforward and honest at all times - but when dealing with kids and their issues, especially kids who get into hard stages and patterns, it is not always easy to find way to help them through. They get to points where they don’t want your help or advice and still, you are their parents and they need you, even when you don’t know it. Use your wits and your creative abilities and even in the most difficult scenarios you will hopefully find a way in. And yes, sometimes they’ll never know the lengths you went to to help them through but that’s what being a mom or dad really is, they’ll never get it til it’s their turn.

Relevance

I sometimes wonder if I’m alone in wondering how relevant I am in life. It’s something people are too afraid to admit most of the time but likely no less true. We are all trying to find a place in this vast universe where we mean something to someone. Where we leave a mark and have something to be remembered by. Have you ever thought about how relevant you are in your own life, in your own family, with your own kids? I think most parents get to a point where they ask themselves these questions. Are your kids growing up and becoming less dependent? There’s probably a part of you that’s relieved (you can finally venture to the bathroom alone!) and a part of you that’s struggling with the distance. I think this grows stronger the older kids get.

Yes, there are definitely people who count down the days to the college move out or the camp send off - but I would venture to guess everyone, to some degree or another, struggles with these feelings at some point. The question really is, are we relevant? And what exactly determines our relevance? Is it physical dependence? Financial? Emotional?

In my humble opinion, I think the real key here for long term relevance is emotional connection. Kids (and most people in our lives at any point) will eventually outgrow most of their dependence on us. If they don’t outgrow it, if you don’t let them spread their wings and learn to fly, you’re actually doing them a disservice. They should be trained to be competent and confident. They should be taught the skills to go out on their own and function in society and be productive members of our world community. But with all of their capabilities, if we foster an emotional connection they will still want and enjoy that bond.

The biggest question is how to best foster an emotional connection with our children. Figuring out how to physically care for them is a huge challenge but also something intuitive. We hear their cries as babies and learn to decipher them - feed me, change me, hold me. We learn, albeit with a steep learning curve at times, how to guide ourselves and our families through these stages. Financial dependence also comes along the same type of route. As the family grows and the needs grow, we attempt to adjust our financial concept and support the life we have created. But building emotional connections is a whole different world. As kids grow they naturally distance themselves as they explore friends, social circles, and all manner of environments. Naturally they pull away and stop sharing (for those who shared to start) and we are often left feeling like there’s no way to connect. Discussions turn more into interrogation sessions in their opinion. We find ourselves interacting mostly over what can and can’t be done rather than about life, feelings, and experiences.

So what can we do to maintain that connection?

 First, don’t wait for them to start the conversations. Talk. Talk. Talk. It doesn’t need to be about something big or important, just keep the conversation flowing. Use opportunities that present themselves - the dinner table, the car ride home from school, anywhere you can get their attention or even part of it - make it a chance to talk. Like most things in life, practicing builds a skill. Practice the conversation skill and usually eventually they’ll start to respond.

Second, focus on what interests them, not just you. It’s unlikely they want to hear about the latest screw up in your office or an article you read in the business times. They probably do want to discuss something they’re interested in. Lately I’ve watched my teenagers sitting and engaging with one of my husbands best friends and I observed that it’s because he still has the spark in him of a teenager - he can get excited about sports, their crazy stories, he can talk the talk and walk the walk. I’m trying to learn from that and find stuff they’re focused on and learn about it. I may hate sports but if my 15 year old wants to discuss the fantasy draft I’ll be a ready study. Figure out a book they’re reading with their friends and read it too. Watch the TV series they’re into so you can catch up on the latest with them. It may not be your passions but you’ll be amazed how fast they become big talkers. I think the more they see you as interested in their life the more you build the emotional connection.

Third, spend time even when it doesn’t involve conversation. Exercise together. Train for a run with them. Quiz them for their exam. Doodle next to them as they work. Sit quietly and read next to them on the couch. Have them sit at the kitchen counter doing their homework as you cook. Don’t fall into the trap of having them come home, retreat to their room and only emerge for food.  Make your house a space where they can live and relax and bring their people in. Try and create a space to be together. It’s amazing how even subconsciously we can build connections this way.

Let’s face it, the more you feel needed and wanted by someone the more relevant you feel in life. We all need validation- some people can admit that and others have a harder time saying it aloud. But when it comes to our kids, there’s a deep and real need to keep that relevance without letting it stifle their growth and development. I truly think with the conversations flowing and shared space and experience, you’ll find the kids coming more and more with the real things they need to talk about and the small details that make up our lives because they’re already accustomed to having conversations, of all types, with you.

Identifying Real Issues

I've had several discussions over the past year where a friend would tell me something that their child was displaying and a red flag went up in my mind - the type of 'I've seen that before and that isn't going to fix itself' type of flag.  When I mentioned to a friend recently that I think their child may be dealing with thing X and I've had experience with that issue, one of my own kids commented that not every kid who does Y has X issue just because that was my child's problem.  And I agree, sometimes we jump into situations and assume an issue exists when we may not have enough evidence or experience to 'diagnose' the issue.  But I think there are some things that come up with kids that leave us questioning whether this issue is a real issue or a phase that will pass, something that when they mature will resolve itself.  Is whatever the behavior at issue is annoying/hard to deal/driving us insane but clearly a stage they are going through or is this something we need to deal with head on/get professional help/do something about in order to intervene with whatever is going on.  And how are we, the parents, supposed to know which is which?

I think this is a complex issue to face as parents.  And I am going to admit, right off the bat, that there are going to be times when you miss and I would urge you, before we even begin this discussion, not to beat yourself up about those times.  We can't and won't be parents who know every bit of medical science and psychology to diagnose every issue we see in our children.  Sometimes the answers are blatant and clear - but not usually.  I myself have a daughter who had a brain tumor as a baby and when we look back to her diagnosis, there were so many red flags and even ones that we saw and brought her to doctors for and they misdiagnosed them as something else (when her eyes didn't look in one direction we took her to a top pediatric specialist and they said she had weak muscles without even taking any scans!).  Whatever issue you are facing, whenever you do catch it - I truly believe that is the right time for it to be caught.  But that doesn't mean we shouldn't be on alert for issues in our lives and try our best to catch what we can as fast as we can.

First things first, there are always going to be behaviors that our children have that set off flags in our minds.  Most of these behaviors are normal parts of child development.  I would say that most kids, as they approach the middle school years, go through an incredibly annoying phase where they can't figure out if they are little kids or big kids and they tend to needle the adults and bigger kids in their lives a lot at this time.  I don't believe these kids all have social issues that need to be approached - I think they're just in a naturally annoying phase.  In that phase, they don't necessarily pick up on every social que.  That doesn't mean they all need social skills training (though a bit of that in groups at school can prove very useful).  I believe that there are some signs that raise red flags and those are the things we should be looking at when trying to decide if intervention is needed.

There are several categories of red flag issues and I can't hope to cover them all in one post - but I'll start with broad strokes. 

Social Behavioral Issues -
When trying to determine if a behavior is not age appropriate, the first thing I do is to look at your child's peers.  Do they display similar behaviors? Is your child having a difficult time interacting with their peers? If your child is fine with their friends but only displaying this type of behavior at home or with siblings, that is actually a very healthy sign.  It may mean the behavior needs to be addressed at home, but it is a key to knowing your child is not struggling with a larger issue.  If the social interaction with their peers is suffering, then more than likely something bigger is going on.  If you have a good relationship with your pediatrician, they are usually a good first step to discussing troubling behaviors with.  Often they will have recommendations of where to start to get evaluations etc.

Cognitive/Educational Issues -
If the issue at hand is more cognitive or educational - the first thing to do is talk to your school.  Even if you aren't worried about a "big" issue, most teachers will have noticed a lot of whatever the behaviors you are concerned about.  Even if they haven't yet picked up on the issue, they are a good point of reference to figure out if this is something that just needs a little extra support or if your child has an educational issue that needs to be addressed.  Often people get frustrated because the school isn't responsive or has no idea how to identify the issues.  This is really a post in and of itself but as a brief point, more and more data is being collected about the learning issues that are not easily identifiable - things that fall much more into the executive functioning category.  If your child struggles in school but it doesn't seem to fit into the traditional Learning Disability categories and you've had them tested and been told they don't have an issue but you just know there is something that isn't right about how they are learning, just know there are other things out there that haven't even been identified yet.  Trust your gut and keep looking for answers.

Physical Issues -
This is going to be more on the way out there spectrum than some people like but if you see your child is suffering from ailments that can't necessarily be identified by regular medicine (frequent infections needing antibiotics, never ending viruses etc), I think it pays to explore how these things are all connected.  Sometimes the Doctors look at things through their medical lens and don't necessarily look at the body as a whole.  If you see the pieces adding up, it is likely something is being overlooked.  I wouldn't jump to the worst case scenarios to start - but again, trust your gut.  You are the parent and you have a certain amount of intuition which you shouldn't ignore.  Often, some food or environmental factors may be at play and once you figure it out, all the small things resolve themselves.  There are times when an osteopath may be worth consulting with if traditional MD's aren't helping you get the answers that you need. 

Emotional Issues (sometimes with physical parts) -
Here is one of the hardest things to figure out with kids.  An issue which is emotional has no predetermined guidelines to teach you what the "norm" really is and everything is by feel.  I find with my own kids that more often than not, they try and convince me that it is I who suffers from paranoia and they have no issue going on at all.  All I can say is, that usually hasn't been the case.  Kids who seem overly on edge and appear to be tense and short circuiting often are usually hiding some type of emotional issue they are facing.  These can range from tensions with friends that they can't seem to sort through to eating disorders and anything in between.  There are big and small issues but most of these need some sort of intervention.  At times, having the school counselor get involved is enough to kick start the process to figuring out how to deal with these.  Other times, outside help in the form of mental health professionals are needed.  Again, consulting with both your school and your pediatrician can be very useful in these situations.  Look at those professionals are your partners in helping you figure out how to best help your child.

I know this has painted some very broad strokes over issues which are complex - but we have to start the discussion somewhere.  Always remember these essential things:
1. You're the parent  and you should listen to your intuition - if something doesn't seem right, it is worth exploring
2. You have resources to help you - the doctor and the school are the first places to start - but family, professionals, etc are all there to help you figure out the right path to take
3. As long as you don't jump to conclusions or something extreme - a little exploration about a red flag never hurt anyone and more often than not helped lots of people.

You can never know what is truly a problem and what is just a phase, but using some of these points as a guide will hopefully help you begin the process of figuring that out.

Forgiveness

I think most parents have had some version of the following conversation- child did something wrong and parent says “say your sorry” and child does/doesn’t easily comply with the directive. If the child doesn’t, there’s usually some scuffle over getting them to comply, possibly some guilt (don’t you feel bad about what you did) etc. Sometimes I really wonder about this whole exchange. It is all so common to ask kids to apologize - but does apologizing for the sake of apologizing actually do anything ? Is the child feeling sorry if they’re told to apologize? What is the point of an apology that’s sought out? I honestly feel like this in many contexts - adult to adult does it make you feel better if someone wronged you and you have to ask for an apology or even have to point out to them what they did - do apologies really help or is there something more we, as people, need to move past some wrong that was done to us?

I guess to start with I’ll have to admit - I think saying sorry does help. There’s something to the act of having to admit to the person that we did something and we made a mistake. Maybe it’s slightly humbling. I’m not saying a child gets that completely to start with but it is definitely a good habit to build.

But I think there’s more to sorry than just words. I think it’s important to let mistakes become building blocks for kids. Conversation starters, if you will, where we can help our children discuss and dissect what happened and why. Did they fail to notice that their behavior was rude? Did they miss a chance to be kind? Did they possibly take advantage of someone else’s situation in an unfair way? Whatever the underlying cause of the mistake is, it’s best to help them identify it. Self reflection is such a crucial skill to build with kids. The younger you start the easier it is for them to be honest.

It’s important to keep a few key things in mind when having these conversations :
1. Don’t blame - it puts people on the defensive and is useless - discuss how something might make you or someone feel but not whose fault something is
2. Don’t use GUILT - guilt is not a feeling I think is useful for anyone and it is something that builds and gets carried around in life line an unwanted weight on your shoulders.
3. Be kind - when someone did something wrong, even a small child, they usually know it deep down. Don’t make them feel worse than they already do.

The best thing we can do for our kids is to help them build a picture of themselves as human - people who make mistakes but learn from and fix them. I think those apologies will serve them far better than a “say your sorry” directive.

New Year ... New Rules?

So a new year just began this week for those who observe the Jewish calendar and it got me thinking about New Years resolutions and changing things up. Mostly I have been thinking of how to find that reset button for bad patterns or habits we have allowed to fester in our house. And how, exactly, one goes about resetting the rules once kids are already into a routine?

Take, for example, our good old standby - electronics. Let’s assume you introduced electronics to your children without a solid framework for how to limit their access. Before you know it, your child is totally addicted to this awful device and your once interactive child is withdrawn and glued to their device every possible second. You’re sitting there trying to figure out how to restart - devise a thought out plan and approach to limiting their access. Every attempt you’ve made has fallen flat - they keep going back to the fact that you didn’t have that rule before so it’s not fair for you to change the rules in the midst of the game.

On the one hand, it’s true that change is hard and seems unfair to a child who was used to things being a certain way. On the other hand, we can’t all get it right the first time around. Sometimes change, while hard, is necessary.

Back to New Years resolutions- every year many people all around the globe take a step back and evaluate their lives. They try and pick some area they have performed to less than perfection and resolve to do things differently. Why can’t we do the same with our kids and our parenting? I say we can. And we should. Yes - change is hard. Mostly, we will suffer when we make a change more than anyone else - because we have to stick with it despite the resistance, the tantrums, the upset. But change is worthwhile. And, as the adults, we are in control. We must take that control and embrace it.

In order to effectively change anything in life - it’s important to remember 4 key things:
1. Focus - Rome wasn’t built in a day - it was built one structure at a time. Pick one thing to change and focus on that item alone.
2. Be consistent- if you’re all gung ho about your new rule but drop it within a week it’ll be hard for kids to take you seriously. Do whatever it takes to remind yourself to stick with the resolve
3. Don’t back down! Kids will resist changes, especially ones they deem to be “unfair” - don’t worry about what they think, it’s not a popularity contest. Remember you’re doing what you know is best for them!
4. Partner! Whoever your coparent May be - get them onboard so you have a uniform approach. Kids will look for every crack in the armor!

Going back to our example, resetting the rules for electronics is a hard process. Clear rules have to be established, usually devices have to be physically removed (possibly by force) for times when they are not to be used. Children, especially teens, will likely rage when these rules are put into place. But the good news is that if you stick to the rules and follow through, change is possible. And with those changes will usually come growth.  At my house, we’re going through this process now and I’m going to do my best to reread this daily until the storm passes and our new course is forged!

How Can We Teach Real Internet (and basic) Safety?

For those of you who follow the media, this past week had yet another case of an educator who sadly had problems with child pornography and apparently may have even used his students to fuel his erroneous behavior. These stories break our hearts and fill them with dread. In a world where so much happens virtually, when meeting face to face is becoming more rare by the day, how can we protect our kids from people who may do terrible things to them?  This is a question I really grapple with. Most of us take the approach that we must allow our kids some amount of access to the digital world - for the majority of kids if you don’t expose them to it they will find ways to get to it without you - so how can we at the same time protect them and expose them to these possibilities? In a discussion this past weekend, someone mentioned to me that often these predators pose as teenagers and “it’s just the way things are that kids think it’s normal to send pictures to each other.”  It really got me to thinking about what, if anything, we can teach the kids to protect themselves and respect themselves.  In my opinion, those are two distinct items and both need to be addressed to have this conversation.

Let's start with some practical safety.  Kids need to learn both internet safety and general rules of dealing with adults. 

To begin with, internet safety is something that has become a part of many school curricula.  The school that my children attend has a curriculum called digital citizenship which I’ve been impressed with - they start at a young age and really try and help the kids understand the power and dangers of the internet and how to avoid them.  If your child's school doesn't have something like this in place, I'd highly recommend petitioning for it.  I've noticed a distinct change in my younger kids approach to an online presence from this program.  I think its essential they start early, before most kids even have their own devices, since these behaviors are far easier to mold then to change once they've already started their online habits and social media presence they present to the world.  It is never too late, of course, to create good boundaries and habits.  As far as home is concerned, I think it is essential for kids to share all passwords with their parents, so you have the ability to log in at any time and check what has been happening.  This shouldn't be solely at times you are worried, make a habit of checking in regularly.  I discussed some of the technology issues we face with kids in a previous post on technology  so I don't want to get too detailed on that front, just to remind parents that there is a huge world out there and your kids will, if left unchecked, most likely have a lot of exposure you don't necessarily want if you aren't on top of it. 

As for general safety with adults, a wise pediatrician once counseled parents to teach their kids a basic rule - no adult will ever need your help with a private part of their body.  If they ever ask you to help them with a private part, immediately leave and get your parent.  If you can't, then tell your parents right away once you are out of the situation.  This is something I hadn't previously thought about - a good approach to teach your kids how to protect themselves.  I had always approached this from the angle of the child, if you ever need help with something on your own body - you can ask a parent or Doctor to help, but never another adult.  And if an adult tells you they need to help you, say no and tell a parent.  I think both angles are essential.

Once we have established these basic safety guidelines for the kids - I think we have a completely separate issue to address to try and protect kids from predators and anyone else who may take advantage of their naivete.  When I talk to my kids about romantic relationships, I try to approach it from a perspective of respect.  People who care about each other must respect each other.  I know it is difficult for many people to have these conversations, but it is important.  I explain that when you love someone enough to want to share your physical self with them, it needs to come from a place of deep respect because no one who cares about you should ever put you in a position where you are merely a physical object to them.  And I am honest that once you introduce this aspect into your relationship, things change.  It is so important for them to understand that a relationship must be able to stand on its own feet before you add a physical element to it.  Regardless of your religious beliefs, whether you feel marriage is the first time there can be intimacy or if you feel it is appropriate to introduce at another stage in a relationship, I think everyone will agree that respect and love come first, intimacy second.  If we can help our children to truly understand and value themselves this way, I don't think they'd easily share indecent photos of themselves over the internet with anyone.  I am in no way blaming any child that fell prey to this, I am only trying to help others realize that even if the person on the other end of that line is another teen or someone they even want to eventually get to a physical point with, that is not the respectful way anyone who values them would get to that point. 

There is no simple way to protect our children from the myriad of issues which can come at them from the world as it is, it is complicated and there are so truly disturbed people out there who will find ways to take advantage of them - but we can try our best to build as many walls for them as possible and pray each day that no one finds a way to breach them.

Coparenting

Before I start, wanted to say sorry I missed last week - I got the unique opportunity to get away from everything for a few days and I soaked in the sun and sand and atmosphere and didn’t log onto a computer aside from checking work emails a few times. Always nice to get that break and I am truly grateful. It did, however, give me time to think about a topic I’ve wanted to discuss for a while - how to coparent. This kind of seems like an easy question - we decide to partner with someone for life and start a family with them - of course we should easily be able to coparent with them. It does seem logical but I don’t believe that it is at all. Let’s be real - how many of us even discussed how we’d parent before we had our kids? Maybe some people had big ideas about the type of parent they would be - but specifics of day to day? I can’t count the number of times one parent tells me that their spouse disciplines their kids a certain way and it drives them crazy - one parent believes they need to yell to prove a point to a child and the other is against yelling ever. One parent believes in the need to let the baby cry to sleep and the other can’t handle it. There are so many examples of this I could likely list a page worth but you get my drift - it’s challenging to coparent and strategize together about how to approach our kids and yet we must. So what’s the best way to approach this crucial piece of our daily lives to create a unified and consistent approach for our kids that we can both agree on and be comfortable with?

Like most things in life - there is no magic button answer. But there are things we can discuss and think about which will help us plan our approach. The first and most important step in my opinion is to start the discussion. I’ve noticed that all too often in life and especially in relationships, people shy away from talking about topics that are difficult or cause conflict. Yes, it is hard to talk about things that you know you disagree about - but you need to. There’s no real good way to say that part of it. Life isn’t all butterflies and rainbows and we’re gonna have hard topics and situations but remember you’re in it together.

Second, I strongly advise not to approach it in the moment and definitely not in front of the kids in the moment. Your kids shouldn’t see you challenging the authority of your partner. I must admit this to be my weakest spot in life - when I see it I say it - and I have to work so hard to bite my tongue and remember after the fact to address an approach I didn’t like. In your children’s mind, you should be united and on the same side. It is so easy for kids to try to play parents against each other - especially as they get older and want to manipulate situations - so don’t give them the chance. But also, like so many things, approaching it in the moment makes people defensive and in a state of defensiveness you aren’t open to much. If your partner is struggling with a child’s rude behavior or lack of responsiveness to authority and, for example, they raise their voice to the child (something you can’t stand) - the worst thing to do at that moment would be challenge their authority. You’ve not only diminished their authority in the child’s eyes but you’ve kind of beaten them while they’re down and that would damage their own perception of their parenting. It creates a situation between you where you are introducing conflict and that is not conducive to coparenting. A better way to deal with this would be after the fact, once their own upset has passed and you’re not in the child’s presence - to discuss how it makes you feel when you see a child being yelled at (or better yet when someone yells at you).  Talk about alternative approaches to the behavior and voice your disagreement for the approach. I think giving concrete alternatives helps a lot (the key difference between criticism and constructive criticism).

Third, you’re not always gonna win the day - this is very hard to accept, especially for people who have strong opinions. There are two parents and usually that will mean there are situations where you feel one way and your partner feels a different way. It’s easy to talk about compromising in life theoretically but let’s be honest, there are things that you can’t compromise about. Sometimes it’s my way or your way. And you can’t always have your way. So think about what things are critical for you and what you’re more flexible about. Whether it is yelling or spanking or condescending talk or whatever your hot button topic is, your can’t be crossed line, lay it out clearly. If there are things you dislike but don’t think are as important - don’t harp on them. It is important not to make every thing a discussion. This can be really hard for people - especially stronger minded people who are used to voicing their opinions. No one wants to hear that everything they do is the wrong approach.

Last, but definitely not least, make sure to complement your partner on their wins - on the times they do a great job with the kids and handle a particularly difficult situation with calm and grace and the exact right approach. None of us are immune to praise and we all need a lot of it when it comes to handling tough times with our kids. Parenting can be a real challenge at times and it feels so good to know and appreciate when you got it right on the first try. Seems silly but believe me it really is not.

And let me be honest, sometimes when I think these things through and write about them I think it sounds unattainable - like for real who is gonna stop and think in the moment and reroute their every move with their kids? But then I think that life is really a work in progress and that’s our job as people - to keep attempting to grow and improve - so we gotta keep plugging and eventually we will get it. And with parenting especially we gotta keep trying because, like many things, we get better with age and time and experience so the more we think about and scrutinize ourselves the better our chances of getting it right the next time.

Back to School Transitions - Part 2

Last week we discussed how to ease our transition into the start of the school year. This week I wanted to toss out a few ideas of how to make this time smoother for the kids themselves. The first thing I notice when my kids go back to school is the instant negativity towards homework (especially for the more advanced years of school when it’s no longer cool to have homework) and how any teacher that impinges on their precious free time at home after school immediately turns into Enemy #1.  Another thing I notice for some kids is the struggle with organization. This may manifest itself in so many ways - messy lockers, what seem to be black hole backpacks and disorganized thought processes when they have to sit down and buckle down.

I think the first thing to stress to ourselves when our kids are in school is that this is their experience and not ours. It’s not a contest of whether they achieve certain grades or turn in homework with every answer correct. It’s about learning and the process of learning. So try to keep this in mind when they are doing their homework - answer their questions but do your best to encourage the process - give them leading answers, if that makes sense.  Don't outright tell them what it is - try and help them come to the answers themselves.  Yes, this takes far more time but in the end they will learn two skills - 1. whatever the teacher was teaching them 2. that THEY CAN DO IT and to trust their thought process.

As far as the homework itself goes - try and work with your child to figure out the best way to make it the least painful experience.  Not every child can come home from a long day of school, grab a bite and dive right in.  Yet putting it off seems so difficult - how can you get them to sit back down after playing and chilling to actually get the assignments done?  I've found with my kids that some of them figure this out on their own, naturally being academic or organized enough to get the work done, while others really struggled.  Mostly, I've taken the approach that their is no "set" time for homework for the household - although that is a lot more work on my part - but I've tried to figure out over the years what works best for each kid.  If they are the type, I say buckle down, get it over with and then have your evening to yourself.  But if they are the type who just needs time to zone out, we set a specific time for the homework (usually for these type of kids, after dinner because it is also unfair to everyone to have to wait for them once they couldn't conform with the house schedule) and let them sit themselves down, with a reminder if needed, to approach it in their own good time.  This is especially crucial to work on as they get towards middle and high school where the days at school get longer and the homework builds up to sometimes an unbearable workload - they have to learn how to pace themselves and not just assume they can get it done fast because it becomes harder and harder to do. 

A good thing to remember - if they seemed overwhelmed even under the best conditions - talk to the teacher.  Most teachers didn't send the homework to make the kids miserable.  If it is taking an inordinate amount of time - they probably either misunderstood the assignment or are struggling in class with the material.  Most teachers are very nice and reasonable human beings who will work with you to pinpoint the issue and will adjust the assignments, if needed.  If the kids are in older grades, try and have them self advocate before you dive in - but if it isn't working and they don't know how to approach it or the teacher doesn't seem to be responsive, get involved.  Meet with the teacher and them together, if they're older and can't do it solo, so they learn how to work through the issues.

As far as organization goes - I'm a huge proponent of setting up systems for success.  One of my children has a massive executive dysfunction.  For those not familiar, this, in layman's terms, basically means the center for organization in her brain doesn't work properly and the neuro-pathways that should exist to connect how to organize specific things were (in her case) destroyed by invasive treatments.  For some kids, they were born this way and just don't have the ability to do many tasks that involve organization.  Transitions also prove difficult for kids with executive dysfunction (and lots of other kids who don't do well with change). One of the best things that a neuro-psychologist taught me when she was in grade school was that you can actually rebuild these pathways through modeling.  A very useful tool to do this is by making checklists.  Checklists break down tasks into their smaller pieces and help kids learn the steps needed to get the job done.  Applying this to the transition to school - I used to make checklists til they were growing out of my ears.  What to do to get out the door in the morning (teeth brushed? backpack? lunch in the bag? etc), after school checklist (homework complete? in backpack? check online hw assignments? does anything need to be brought to school tomorrow?).  List away, my friends, most kids love to check off items and this helps any child, not just ones who struggle with organization, learn how to break their tasks up and get in order.  Using this approach to schoolwork itself can also help - its useful for writing essays (breaking the general into its parts and learning how to tie them together), chunking assignments, etc.  We can discuss this in another post.

Another system we created that was a lifesaver as school became more complex and there were closer to 6 or 8 classes instead of the two parts to the day of elementary school was using the colors of the rainbow to organize the day.  Starting with first period, every class had a color, in rainbow order - notebook, binder, folder.  Inside the locker, I installed mini shelves and had the day set up in order so she could transition from class to class easily.  I can proudly tell you that she is actually in college now and sets up her own systems - a real testament to the ability to rebuild these pathways in the brain!

I think the key to all of this is to help set kids up for success - school is not a happy place for all kids, our education system doesn't necessarily understand each child's unique mind and how to work with it, but we, as parents, can try and figure out the pieces to the school experience and work with how to help our kids best gain from it and flourish.

Happy school year all!