Strategic Parenting

Recently I had a dilemma with a child where I had to get to the bottom of something and I knew my child wasn’t being completely honest with me from their end. I felt like a master manipulator as I attempted to get to the bottom of the issue from several different angles and I was left feeling like somehow even though I knew I did what I had to do, I was being dishonest to my true self. I’m a straight arrow and I follow rules. I say it like it is and often say it was too much like it is. I don’t couch truths or step carefully where feelings may be hurt - even to a fault. I know this about myself and yet there I was essentially bending truths and pushing limits - and telling myself it didn’t feel like me yet it felt necessary.

And so, today, dear readers - I deal with a tricky question - can we bend the truth when it comes to our kids and helping them resolve issues? Can we fudge the lines - in an ends justify the means type move?

A colleague of mine had a great term when we were discussing this issue - he told me it’s not manipulative when you’re a parent doing things for your child - it’s strategic parenting. And I knew instantly that he had Just coined what would become a favorite phrase for me. A concept i can cling to when my moral compass needs some calming down. Parenting is such a tricky thing - there are inevitably times when no matter how much we want to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, we can’t for the sake of our child. And yet we are still doing the right thing. 100% without a shred of doubt.

Obviously this presents some technical issues. First, being strategic is complicated. Whereas truths are easy to keep straight, everyone knows when you start to bend reality in any way you get into murky waters. You must keep your story straight. You cannot mix up the plan. It takes extremely careful planning and forethought to be a strategic parent. You must understand your goal and trust your gut. Think through the angles thoroughly before you take even the smallest step in these situations. The Most important thing is that your child can’t actually know the steps you’ve taken or the pieces you’ve put into place - yes, they are to their benefit but they don’t always have to understand the behind the scenes.

Since this seems very abstract, I’ll use an oversimplified example. Let’s take a teenager who you believe is cheating on their tests at school. The only reason this came to your attention in our example is because the friend they are cheating from spilled the beans to another kid in your carpool when they thought you could hear nothing of their conversation. Now of course you could go to your kid and confront them with the accusations but you have no proof and honesty no reasonable way to come and tell them without revealing your sources. And we all know how kids feel about snitches. Loyalty is of the utmost importance when you’re a teenager. So you need to think strategically.

First you ask yourself - what’s my goal? If you identify what you aim for your child to gain it will help you form a plan. It’s not always easy to know what you want out of a situation. Merely to “catch” them doesn’t really do much. When I’m thinking of my goals I like to focus on process. I want them to learn from their mistake. I want them to be able to admit and identify the point at which they went wrong so they can correct it for the future. I want them to learn the steps to the process so they can succeed in the future and not repeat the same mistake.

Back to our teen who we believe cheated on the test. So what’s the idea behind catching them? Or preventing a repeat episode? Clearly a child who cheats on a test is struggling. They may be struggling with the material being taught and too embarrassed to reach out for help lest they seem stupid. Or they may be struggling with test taking skills - even with all the material understood and comprehended perfectly it may be too hard for them to get their ideas across. Or, let’s face it this could be the case, they may be on the lazy side and don’t want to put the work in to get it done and be ready (but usually there’s both a pattern you could identify there and also an underlying cause of laziness). Before you take any action, do your best to identify the cause.

Now how could you strategically deal with our example? You could have a discussion with the teacher (if they’re the partnering type) and give them a heads up about what you think is going on in their class. Discuss your goals with them so it doesn’t just become a punitive fallout. If the issue is comprehension, after the inevitable fallout, talk to your child about how they tried to get help with the material and what else they could have done before resorting to cheating on a test (come to you for help, for example). Make sure you don’t get caught up in the catching them aspect and more focused on the process of how they can learn from the episode. No, it’s not telling on your child - it is helping them. The teacher could then catch the offenders and get to the bottom of the situation and no one was the wiser that you had a hand in it. You could talk to someone else in the school, resource or a counselor, have them assess your child for the issues you suspect - again no one has any clue you intervened.  You obviously can do many other things, plant some false cheat sheets, etc if you feel there’s a way they’ll learn from failing the test they thought they would ace through cheating. Like I said, it feels like scheming sometimes but there are times when scheming is helpful.

The bottom line is we walk a fine line as parents. Yes, we want to be straightforward and honest at all times - but when dealing with kids and their issues, especially kids who get into hard stages and patterns, it is not always easy to find way to help them through. They get to points where they don’t want your help or advice and still, you are their parents and they need you, even when you don’t know it. Use your wits and your creative abilities and even in the most difficult scenarios you will hopefully find a way in. And yes, sometimes they’ll never know the lengths you went to to help them through but that’s what being a mom or dad really is, they’ll never get it til it’s their turn.