That Darn Frontal Lobe

Many parents have heard the research these days about how the frontal lobe isn’t fully developed in teenagers.  Historically it was believed that development was completed by age 10 but more recent science and research has shown that the frontal lobe doesn’t fully develop until the early 20’s.  So this may help us understand how our teenagers actually think.  What seems like insanity, obvious, nonsense, just doesn’t actually appear the same to them.  In an NPR article I read recently, they described it as

"It's the part of the brain that says: 'Is this a good idea? What is the consequence of this action?' " Jensen says. "It's not that they don't have a frontal lobe. And they can use it. But they're going to access it more slowly."  (Morning edition, March 2010)

So why, you may ask, am I citing articles and thinking about this? It is actually fairly straightforward.  Every time I have a confusing interaction with my teenagers and I start to think ‘is this me or them?’ I need to remind myself, its kind of neither.  They don’t see the world and reality in the same way we do as adults.  And it isn’t just about not having enough experience, though that obviously plays a part, it is actually because they are wired differently – or actually, not fully wired yet, according to the science that backs this up.

What seems so obvious to us, like the truth and reality is staring them in the face or the consequences of whatever said action might be are not worth it, actually doesn’t appear the same to them.

Can we change this? Can we alter their view of reality? Do we need to?

These are hard questions to answer and ones that obviously need a lot of situation specific answers.  But I do think there are some general rules we can use to help guide us through this difficult journey.

Rule #1 – asses what is at stake.  Is their safety at risk? Are they putting themselves or others at risk with their behavior? When it comes to poor choices, some affect your child more than others.  Some academic move they make at school should definitely be addressed differently than a physical safety concern.  For example, just because they don’t fully comprehend and understand the consequences of allowing kids to ride in their car without seatbelts doesn’t mean you should let that behavior slide.  Back to square one with that one, no discussion just repurcussion.  You laid out the rules of driving when you handed them the car keys (I hope, and if you didn’t, time to rewind and remind them of the rules) and if they didn’t follow them, consequences will dictate that they lose the privelege of driving.  Whereas not studying for a test and not thinking through the consequences of failing to put in effort and how that may or may not affect their ability to get into certain colleges should certainly be handled differently.  Yes, both of these speak to their lack of development in the front lobe – they aren’t comprehending the long term impact of their behaviors – but they should be addressed in different ways. 

Rule #2 – role play/discuss the scenarios.  Yes it’s back to my talking agenda. They may or may not be open to listening but that doesn’t mean to stop the talking (see my post on keeping up the talk  with your kids).  Help them think through the impact of their behaviors – big and small.  Are they planning a school prank that may not be seen as funny by the people involved? Help them assess the ramifications of their behavior before they put it into effect. 

Rule #3: Stress their importance. Sometimes teens feel like islands adrift. Alone. They don’t realize they are part of a community and they have a place. What they do matters to them and to others. It’s a reality we as parents should remind them. I honestly believe it will help them find their way and develop that awareness that may be naturally lacking or too early for them to understand. Do they continuously ignore the obvious truths staring right at them - concern from family or friends about being withdrawn or their principal repeatedly calling them out on the same issue? Discuss how people care about them and only want what’s best for them. That the greater collective of people really are out for their best. Show them both sides of whatever the issue is. Try to help them see beyond their limited and under developed view of the world. Past the judgements they believe people are making and into the real issues at hand. 

We can’t rush the frontal lobe into developing faster and there are going to be many times where despite our best efforts, their perspective is going to be from Pluto and ours from Mars or Venus but we may bridge the gap and help them past some of the big and small issues. With some luck maybe we can even tackle the really important ones that they face.