I've had several discussions over the past year where a friend would tell me something that their child was displaying and a red flag went up in my mind - the type of 'I've seen that before and that isn't going to fix itself' type of flag. When I mentioned to a friend recently that I think their child may be dealing with thing X and I've had experience with that issue, one of my own kids commented that not every kid who does Y has X issue just because that was my child's problem. And I agree, sometimes we jump into situations and assume an issue exists when we may not have enough evidence or experience to 'diagnose' the issue. But I think there are some things that come up with kids that leave us questioning whether this issue is a real issue or a phase that will pass, something that when they mature will resolve itself. Is whatever the behavior at issue is annoying/hard to deal/driving us insane but clearly a stage they are going through or is this something we need to deal with head on/get professional help/do something about in order to intervene with whatever is going on. And how are we, the parents, supposed to know which is which?
I think this is a complex issue to face as parents. And I am going to admit, right off the bat, that there are going to be times when you miss and I would urge you, before we even begin this discussion, not to beat yourself up about those times. We can't and won't be parents who know every bit of medical science and psychology to diagnose every issue we see in our children. Sometimes the answers are blatant and clear - but not usually. I myself have a daughter who had a brain tumor as a baby and when we look back to her diagnosis, there were so many red flags and even ones that we saw and brought her to doctors for and they misdiagnosed them as something else (when her eyes didn't look in one direction we took her to a top pediatric specialist and they said she had weak muscles without even taking any scans!). Whatever issue you are facing, whenever you do catch it - I truly believe that is the right time for it to be caught. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't be on alert for issues in our lives and try our best to catch what we can as fast as we can.
First things first, there are always going to be behaviors that our children have that set off flags in our minds. Most of these behaviors are normal parts of child development. I would say that most kids, as they approach the middle school years, go through an incredibly annoying phase where they can't figure out if they are little kids or big kids and they tend to needle the adults and bigger kids in their lives a lot at this time. I don't believe these kids all have social issues that need to be approached - I think they're just in a naturally annoying phase. In that phase, they don't necessarily pick up on every social que. That doesn't mean they all need social skills training (though a bit of that in groups at school can prove very useful). I believe that there are some signs that raise red flags and those are the things we should be looking at when trying to decide if intervention is needed.
There are several categories of red flag issues and I can't hope to cover them all in one post - but I'll start with broad strokes.
Social Behavioral Issues -
When trying to determine if a behavior is not age appropriate, the first thing I do is to look at your child's peers. Do they display similar behaviors? Is your child having a difficult time interacting with their peers? If your child is fine with their friends but only displaying this type of behavior at home or with siblings, that is actually a very healthy sign. It may mean the behavior needs to be addressed at home, but it is a key to knowing your child is not struggling with a larger issue. If the social interaction with their peers is suffering, then more than likely something bigger is going on. If you have a good relationship with your pediatrician, they are usually a good first step to discussing troubling behaviors with. Often they will have recommendations of where to start to get evaluations etc.
Cognitive/Educational Issues -
If the issue at hand is more cognitive or educational - the first thing to do is talk to your school. Even if you aren't worried about a "big" issue, most teachers will have noticed a lot of whatever the behaviors you are concerned about. Even if they haven't yet picked up on the issue, they are a good point of reference to figure out if this is something that just needs a little extra support or if your child has an educational issue that needs to be addressed. Often people get frustrated because the school isn't responsive or has no idea how to identify the issues. This is really a post in and of itself but as a brief point, more and more data is being collected about the learning issues that are not easily identifiable - things that fall much more into the executive functioning category. If your child struggles in school but it doesn't seem to fit into the traditional Learning Disability categories and you've had them tested and been told they don't have an issue but you just know there is something that isn't right about how they are learning, just know there are other things out there that haven't even been identified yet. Trust your gut and keep looking for answers.
Physical Issues -
This is going to be more on the way out there spectrum than some people like but if you see your child is suffering from ailments that can't necessarily be identified by regular medicine (frequent infections needing antibiotics, never ending viruses etc), I think it pays to explore how these things are all connected. Sometimes the Doctors look at things through their medical lens and don't necessarily look at the body as a whole. If you see the pieces adding up, it is likely something is being overlooked. I wouldn't jump to the worst case scenarios to start - but again, trust your gut. You are the parent and you have a certain amount of intuition which you shouldn't ignore. Often, some food or environmental factors may be at play and once you figure it out, all the small things resolve themselves. There are times when an osteopath may be worth consulting with if traditional MD's aren't helping you get the answers that you need.
Emotional Issues (sometimes with physical parts) -
Here is one of the hardest things to figure out with kids. An issue which is emotional has no predetermined guidelines to teach you what the "norm" really is and everything is by feel. I find with my own kids that more often than not, they try and convince me that it is I who suffers from paranoia and they have no issue going on at all. All I can say is, that usually hasn't been the case. Kids who seem overly on edge and appear to be tense and short circuiting often are usually hiding some type of emotional issue they are facing. These can range from tensions with friends that they can't seem to sort through to eating disorders and anything in between. There are big and small issues but most of these need some sort of intervention. At times, having the school counselor get involved is enough to kick start the process to figuring out how to deal with these. Other times, outside help in the form of mental health professionals are needed. Again, consulting with both your school and your pediatrician can be very useful in these situations. Look at those professionals are your partners in helping you figure out how to best help your child.
I know this has painted some very broad strokes over issues which are complex - but we have to start the discussion somewhere. Always remember these essential things:
1. You're the parent and you should listen to your intuition - if something doesn't seem right, it is worth exploring
2. You have resources to help you - the doctor and the school are the first places to start - but family, professionals, etc are all there to help you figure out the right path to take
3. As long as you don't jump to conclusions or something extreme - a little exploration about a red flag never hurt anyone and more often than not helped lots of people.
You can never know what is truly a problem and what is just a phase, but using some of these points as a guide will hopefully help you begin the process of figuring that out.
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