One of the amazing things about life is that sometimes no matter how right we are, we are actually wrong. That may seem like an odd statement but when you stop to think about it - there are times when we do all the right things, have a solid course of action and a smart, thoughtful plan and yet it goes all wrong. Or it goes right from our end but the recipient doesn’t think it’s gone well at all. In short, even the best laid out plans fail.
As parents we sometimes get into situations where no matter how perfect our strategy - it just is not working. We planned, thought through our goals for the child and the situation and came up with what, objectively, seems like the perfect approach. Despite all of the work and thought we put in, though, the plan fails miserably. Our child is not at all receptive to our approach and no matter how hard we try to discuss, frame, explain - we have to face the truth - it isn’t working. I’ll tell you the truth, sometimes we can’t face that. Or we can’t see it because we are so embroiled in the struggle over whatever it is that we just keep, essentially, banging our heads against the wall.
Recently I had this happen. I was convinced that my approach with a certain issue for one of my kids was the only way. And although logically, my way made sense - my child was not responsive at all. In fact, I was actually shutting them down. And I honestly couldn’t see it myself. It took a wise friend to tell me point blank - “you are failing , you need to stop. Remind your child that you love them and then you need to change gears” (thank you, wise friend, your advice was exactly what I needed to hear).
At that point when you come to this realization you are sort of at a crossroads. You could try another approach (and eventually you probably should) but before you do, sometimes it is important to find the reset button. Take a moment and remember the underlying reason you are doing all of this - your child’s welfare. Because we actually only want what’s best for them. Everything we do for them is ultimately a way to show our love for them. If we didn’t care about them, none of these struggles and failures and successes would mean much. It’s incredibly important to take the time and show them that love.
I heard a beautiful eulogy this past week where the wife of the person who had passed away said “he held my hand through life, literally and figuratively. And every once in a while, he would squeeze my hand to remind me he was there.” It was so touching and also such a great message to take away. We are all in this life together, we are trying our best but even our best just doesn’t cut it sometimes. But everyone, in the end of the day, just needs to feel a little squeeze. A reminder that you are there and even if you’re fighting or struggling or can’t find the same page - you love them. Stress the love.
I strive to give practical advice on this blog - so readers aren’t left feeling like that’s a nice thought but how do I do that when I’m in the middle of world war 3 with my child?
Here’s how - gestures. Big gestures. Small gestures. Any gesture to remind them you are there. Write a card to tell them you love them and you don’t love fighting with them. Buy them flowers. Leave them a little surprise in their backpack that they’ll find and remember how much you care. Text them how proud you are of their accomplishments.
And honestly, don’t wait until you’re deep into battle to do this - try and find small ways to remind them you love them in everyday life. A note in their lunchbox. A fog message on the shower door. Remind them that you’re there. No matter what.
And when you do, you’d be surprised how quickly they may be able to get on board - maybe not with your original strategy- but likely with a joint strategy they help devise to work through their issues. And they’ll know, deep down, that all you really want is to love them.
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