Silence

In the wee hours of the morning, as I lay awake for the third or fourth time (I hate when I set an alarm to run early but somehow my body doesn't quite trust that I will wake up), I had an entire blog post composed.  What I should have done was taken my computer out then and there and put my thoughts on paper.  Now I'm trying to reconstruct it, it was a good one!

My father as a very quiet man to most who knew him.  He definitely had a lot to say on many topics but he chose his words carefully.  He had mastered silence in a way few people ever do.  The thing all of his children wanted more than anything was his approval, which he usually gave in generous heaps (he loved his kids like crazy). On the rare occasions where you had let him down, the silence hurt worse than a slap (which, in those days, was still an acceptable mode of discipline, though he never used it).  I remember the feeling of standing in that silence, feeling every bit of the sadness and disappointment in that air.  It was not a pleasant feeling, but it was a powerful one.  There are few people who exist in this universe who are quite like my father was.  His ability to control his emotions and convey so little anger or upset in our family is a hard thing to describe. The anniversary of his passing, in December, always leaves me thinking about things from his life that I want to integrate into my own.  And this year, after several situations with different children where I was at a loss as to how to proceed in the best way, it struck me that silence is a tool I would like to learn and master.

Every situation and every child is unique.  As parents, we do our best to be proactive, to think through our children's struggles and opportunities, to help them utilize every  situation.  We want to be master planners and executors.  Despite our best efforts, we are going to get into situations where our tactics will not work and yet our children need consequences.  When your children are small, there are many ways in which to find consequences that will have a profound effect on them and help them change their behavior.  Take, for example, a child who has recurrent meltdowns.  You can attempt to incentivize, rewarding them for situations where they didn't melt down.  If all positive options fail, they can be removed from the room, lose a privilege or a toy, etc.  We have options because we are, from their perspective, mostly in control.  They may try to assert their own control at times but from a more global view, they are powerless.  As children get older, there is less we can do to assert our opinions and have it matter to them.  This obviously depends on your child, some children are naturally more inclined to keep the peace and please their parents.  If you are so lucky as to have a teenager with this disposition, you can probably stop reading here. 

For the rest of us, we are left with a situation where there is little, if anything, we can do to exert control. When we want something done or changed, do we actually have a path forward?  Obviously, certain things are still within our control - we can choose to incentivize where possible or withhold privileges - a teen who is not being considerate with their use of the car can lose the chance to use it.  But there are so many times and situations where the thing that matters to them is getting their way and they are willing to lose anything to get it.

This, in my opinion, is where the silence factor plays a huge role.  If our children want our approval, which most do, then we can help them change their behaviors by withholding our words. 

Before we go there, I'll preface with the fact that to let this tactic be effective, you do have to be praiseworthy when the situation calls for it.  Share your pleasure in seeing them do the right thing.  Share it OFTEN!  Don't let them think they only hear from us when things go wrong, when they make a misstep.   And, before going into silent mode, try your normal tactics of behavior modification.

If you've tried some or all of the following and failed, then move to option 2 (silence):
-Discuss (don't debate) what the issue is in a calm time (if possible, if not - at least in a calm voice)
-Offer alternative behavior paths
-Alert them to the consequences of their behavior
-Give them some time to think about it (again, if possible, not every situation allows for this)

Now, if all of the above seem to have fallen flat.  If they don't care if they will never have privileges again, if going to their special event doesn't matter to them, if if if...then stop talking.  Don't discuss or debate any further.  You have given them every chance and they don't seem to care.  But the silence has to be full and total.  Not the 'I'm not talking to you' immature type of silence.  The type they feel, where you are in a room but can practically look past them without noticing they are there.  You can let them know you will be tuning them out.  I advise this if they are the type of child who will believe you are being spiteful.  I think it is completely acceptable to preface with "Unfortunately you have made some poor choices and I can no longer have a discussion with you about this.  If you continue this behavior, I will stop engaging with you."  This shows them you are in control of the silence and not just angry.  This type of silence has nothing to do with anger.  It is a parent who is in total control of their emotions. 

I won't lie, this is the absolute hardest thing for me as a parent.  It is a tactic I resort to only when all else has failed.  I always want my kids to just be happy and I can't understand why they can't just get on board sometimes or pull it together.  But they really can't sometimes and despite my best efforts, they won't until they have to sit in that silence and absorb it.  Perhaps once those Darn Frontal Lobes develop and mature, maybe this won't be necessary, but in the meantime....Good luck with the Peace and Quiet!