Politics

 I tend to stay far away from the subject of politics- everyone is very sensitive about it and often people feel so strongly about their positions as to make it an incredibly difficult topic. So this post will not be about the actual political issues of our times or take a side or pick a candidate. My intention here is to discuss how we approach politics with our children. 

Anyone who watched the debate last night (or should we call it the debacle?) knows that politics in our day and age has devolved into a game of name calling and attacking and has very little to do with the actual issues at hand and more to do with the people talking. We’ve discussed The art of debate in the past and thought through the way to approach debating with our kids. 

What I’m more concerned with when I think of politics is twofold. I want to make sure my kids understand what is happening in the world of politics and I want them to be able to step back and define what they believe in and who they choose to support.  

To the first point, I think it’s important to discuss what the issues are in our political climate. In broad terms, I think they should be taught how the government works in whatever country they reside in. I don’t think they need a civics lesson at five, but each according to their age should be able to understand some basics. Part of feeling a part of a system is understanding that system. As they get older, their knowledge expands and the details emerge. I’m always sad when a grown adult can’t name the three branches of the American system. Once they understand the basics, they can begin to understand the nuance. What do parties basically stand for - what issues are important to them and key to being in a certain one. As they get older, discussing current events helps them understand the world we live in. I’ve always taken my kids with me when I vote - obviously this year will be different - but I wanted them to take pride in the freedom to choose your own government. And I definitely share my personal political view with them. 

Once they have a general sense of what the system itself is they can begin to Look at the particular players and decide who they like and who they don’t like. I encourage open discussion about the different options. I encourage a discussion based on facts especially. If they choose people because they’re pretty or funny that’s not substance. Try to stick to facts and positions. Let their choices be informed. Challenge them and see if they can come up with substantive reasons for their decisions. One of my kids has very different political views than I do, and we spar and debate - but I always go back to the facts - defend your position with substance. I don’t want to hear that so and so is stupid or funny. I want to hear why you would agree with their approach. 

When it comes to politics - like everything else with our kids - they are the future. If we want to raise leaders, informed voters, responsible citizens - we can set the stage for that when they are young and impressionable. We can choose to make courteous civil discussions and model respectful dialogue so that as they grow up they can be the people at the table who everyone knows can have a level headed, open and honest discussion despite whatever their particular political beliefs. 

Day of Judgement

Yom Kippur is approaching - the day of judgement for the Jewish people. It gets pretty much everyone thinking. There’s tremendous introspection that goes on. We spend time reviewing what’s gone on the past year, what course corrections we need, who we’ve wronged and we try to make amends. 

So before I begin - I’ll apologize if anything I’ve written on this blog has been found offensive to any of my readers.  I’ve tried to bring support and camaraderie in our parenting journey together but inevitably I’m sure there are times I rub wrong Or sound preachy - please know it’s unintentional.

All this judgement discussion gets me thinking about the judgements we constantly make in our own lives, of others, for our kids, in all aspects and how we can improve (or possibly call a halt to) the cycle of judging others. 

In a discussion with a friend of mine a few years ago I made a comment that “I don’t judge people I’m just observing” and she said point blank - “we all judge people.”  If I’m being totally honest I think she’s right. When I sit back and think about it - my first reaction is a judgement and then I go into rationalizing mode. Trying to understand someone else’s approach. 

Lately My kids tell me on the daily that I’m always judging everyone’s corona approach - there will be a discussion about how X went on and we’ll inevitably raise an eyebrow wrong or sound surprised that some thing or another came up. A few weeks ago I met a small child walking and I definitely was judging their parents allowing them to walk solo in the neighborhood- I’ll own it straight up - I was shocked. So how can we stop the judging and bring more acceptance into our lives, our attitudes, our approaches?

This week - I’m opening the floor up to you, my readers, and asking. My next post will feature some amazing advice from parents who respond and give all of us ideas on how to make us less “judgey” and more accepting in our approaches. I welcome any and all suggestions. 

The Back to School Update

 Well by now most of you have your kids back in some form of school. For some of us, we’re just calling it Zool at this point 😛.  And while some kids are coping with this new and very different way to get back to learning, others are struggling. 

One amazing thing I’ve heard from parents whose kids have gone back in person is how absolutely resilient kids are - being able to be in masks for an entire day and really not even complaining about it. So much of what I’ve been hearing has reminded me of the old story with the person who complained about their house being too small and crowded. The advice they get is to bring in the animals from their farm one by one.  Once they have an overly filled house and are really at the end of their patience, they’re told to take them out - one by one. After the last one leaves, they marvel how big their house really is. Sometimes, I feel like corona has taught us just how amazing normal really was. The simple privilege of going to school in person is something we clearly can’t take for granted. 

In a lot of ways we’ve been bringing up a privileged generation. We assume they deserve everything. We give them technology to make everything accessible at all times and it fosters a culture of ME.  If this pandemic has taught all of us anything- maybe it’s more about US and patience. That it’s not all a given. It can remind us to reset our priorities and think about what message we really want to be sending and how the things were doing reflect that message.

For those of us who haven’t gotten to that stage - you have my sympathy!  I can’t say I see an upside to Zoom school aside from liking seeing my kids more often. Educationally I think they benefit from in person learning far more. I’m incredibly impressed with my second grade daughters setup - the school has done a great job understanding the need for smaller groups, more movement breaks and everything else which I am appreciative of and she’s tolerating it better than her older sibs. 

As we head towards the Jewish new year - I pray for a year filled with good health, safety and some semblance of in person life once again. 

Wishing you all the best in the months ahead. 

Revisiting a topic

I’ve been so busy with my job since the wedding I really haven’t had much time to write but I’ve been thinking a lot about what to write in the interim. 

We’ve discussed this topic before but as usual, the more you think about something the more pieces of it come together. And for many this is a sensitive topic, the hush hush type where you get whispered questions but no one wants to say it aloud. 

So here goes - my 2nd child got married first. To some in different social or religious circles that doesn’t sound weird. In the world I live in, it is cause for raised eyebrows. I’ve never quite been completely in step with the society I live in - I’m a very free thinker and would say I’m out of the box. The head covering and modest clothes throw people off when they hear how liberal I am. But to be honest, I didn’t really think much about this until I got so many questions about how the older one is handling it. 

Now to be honest, my newlyweds met senior year and have been dating a while so it was a known thing they were going to move forward. At the same time, I honestly didn’t worry too much about how the older one was dealing with it because she seemed totally happy for them. She baked the wedding desserts, helped with the plans, and overall was just happy. And she’s happy where she is right now - pursuing her degree, discovering her many talents in the art world, and figuring out the type of adult she wants to become. She’s never stepped quite with the program - when others took a gap year in Israel she chose a semester in Peru - but she’s been so thrilled with her out of the box experiences and so have we. 

So we’ve talked about comparison in this blog before (see Post) but I wanted to remind myself and my readers - kids are not the same  We don’t expect them to look the same, learn the same, have the same personality or dress the same. We also shouldn’t expect them to take the same route in life. And there’s nothing hush hush about it. No matter whether it’s picking their own career which you might not have envisioned for them or choosing what to do post school that your others didn’t do  if it’s the type of milestone celebration they want that you didn’t do for your others or that you did and they don’t want (not every kid wants a party for their (name your milestone here)).  Different is not less. The same doesn’t actually mean equivalent.  You are giving as much to the child who you do something for as you are to the child who you allow to not do.  Finding what is right for each of your kids is giving them what they need.  It seems simple to say but far harder in practice.

So to answer all the whispers, yes she’s not just ok she’s happy.  And we are happy and proud.  She is becoming a beautiful adult with unique talents we hope she will use to serve her community and the greater world.  When she is ready, we hope she finds someone equally incredible to share her life with.  I would never want to impose a timeline on any young woman for that or pressure to start that process before it is what she wants. (Definitely another pet peeve of mine, the intense marriage pressure girls get in our society.  Marriage is a huge commitment and motherhood an even greater one.)

And for those of you whose kids are younger and marrying them off is a far off idea, just substitute another milestone your children hit.  Or a non milestone - like learning to read, bike, swim, earning some honor - they are all different, they will have different passions and pursue different avenues at different speeds  I encourage you to encourage them on their paths and do your best not to make a roadmap in your heads of where they should be or what they should do - but be there to enjoy each of their journeys as they develop.  It is quite the ride.

A Different World

The world looks different 

There are moments in our lives that come and change everything. Sometimes we only notice it years after for what it was. This week I think I had that moment. 

Marrying off a child is a pivotal point. You go from just your own kids to bringing in a whole new person and unit into your family. The entire dynamic changes in an instant. No longer are you the person your child is going to run to with their first thought or issue or dilemma. It’s beautiful and terrifying and amazing all wrapped up as one. 

I’m far too exhausted to pull the pieces out of this new piece of the web but my first thoughts on it are this peace that descends when you see your child so incredibly happy. Words can’t adequately describe the sensation but serene would be the closest I could come to it. 

We had a fairytale wedding, unbelievably since the entire wedding plan actually changed days before amidst corona chaos.  Our community came together in the most magical of ways to make it all happen. I don’t think I ever imagined the wedding prep to include gathering fans, coolers and tables the day before to get things set up. But it only increased the excitement being so intimately involved in the planning. 

It was definitely one of those times I think of freezing the moment See my post on “Click” moments- - absorbing and holding on to that feeling. 

I guess this is more a reflection than my usual blog posts - but it was a feeling I wanted to share and hope everyone gets to experience in their parenting journey. It’s one of those times that makes everything else melt in the background - all their struggles, all the blood sweat and tears you poured into them - it all fades when you see this amazing person taking a step forward into their new stage, beginning their journey. 

Moving On

 Some people have told me its time to write something about being a mother in law but truth be told, haven't started that chapter quite yet and feel like I'm way too green to give advice.  It would be like a pre-kids friend telling me how to parent.  Maybe once a few years pass and I am still an in-law not an outlaw, I can test the waters.

But with less than a week to go to marrying off my first child, there's a lot to think about in terms of our children moving on, going to the next stages in their lives.  It doesn't necessarily have to be the biggest change, like this one, but as they grow there are always transition points, markers to their independence, which require a great amount of resilience from us.  

Everyone wants their children to grow up and be wonderful human beings, accomplish great things, move mountains.  But we are not always quite ready for them to do it just yet.  We want to hold on to the time we have with them - where we still have to help shape and mold them.  Where we can help direct them.  It is natural to want that and to feel that protective mother hen feeling.  At the same time, we don't want to hold them back from accomplishing what they are meant to accomplish, from having great experiences and from progressing in their journey.

A friend asked me to discuss that concept and share thoughts about how to do that in a constructive and supportive fashion.

So here are my thoughts (and being that its the middle of the night and I can't sleep, they might be slightly rambling). 

First, its ok to have a twinge of sadness at their moving on to the next stage.  Be it saying goodbye to their crib, going off to school for the first time or their first date, there's always going to be that pang of wanting to hold on.  Its ok to feel it.  And its ok to let go.

Second, remember that your hesitations, fears, anxiety and whatever else you're dealing with about their moving forward shouldn't define them.  Deal with it yourself without sharing the angst.  I know several stay at home moms who seriously struggled when their youngest child went off to school because they weren't sure how to define their role in their new reality.  That's a legitimate concern, but not one that should mar their feelings towards starting school.  Stay positive around them about their new stage.

Third, let's be real - they never really leave - if you've nurtured your relationship and you can adjust to their new reality, they'll come back - be it by phone, plane or zoom - they're always in your life.  And hopefully they'll want your input (in some form at some point, for some of them that might not be until they have kids of their own and realize you aren't that dumb after all).  

More than anything, for the defining moments in our children's lives (and in our own), stop and take a minute to take it in.  Don't be too involved in the details of what is happening to savor the moment.  Take a deep breath, see who is surrounding you during the momentous occasions, absorb the transition.  You will never be at this moment again so don't let it pass in a blur.  

As much as we sometimes want a pause button in life, it doesn't exist.  Everyone marches forward.  Time keeps moving.  We adjust to the new norms.  Life is going to look different in our house after next Tuesday.  I will miss having my daughter home and around on the daily.  But I am so excited for her to start her journey, to begin her new reality.  She has met an extraordinary person and I can't wait to see what great things they accomplish together.

Its way too cliche but more than anything, I feel like I'm gaining another child - and I'm grateful to his mom for going through the labor part on this one :-) 

The School Dilemma

By this point in the summer, thoughts of next school year start to creep back in. While some parents relish the moment when kids will go back to school, this year is filled with enormous uncertainty for just about everyone. 

I don’t know about anyone else but the thought of restarting again at this point makes me almost nauseous. No one knows quite the shape school will take this coming year. There are so many possible iterations of what could be. Some of the kids managed well when school went virtual last year, others got little. For some kids, the year effectively ended in March. 

For most of us, we know masks will become part of the kids daily routine at school - a frightening thought if you ask me. I struggle to get through a full grocery shop in my mask. 

So with this much uncertainty and chaos - how do we approach the topic with the kids? How do we help make them positive and confident in the coming year of learning?

One of my running partners made a great point the other day - we set the stage for how this year will be for the kids. If we keep it upbeat and present it in a positive light, if we downplay the negatives and focus them on what is gonna be amazing - they’ll follow suit. 

I’ve been having talks with my kids about what if’s. Interestingly, the overwhelming sentiment was that they miss school and their friends so much they’re happy to return in whatever form it takes. I myself still don’t even know if I’m comfortable sending them but they’re literally ready to jump on the bandwagon. It’s something I plan to remind them about when they inevitably come complaining about the things that are tough. And in my mind, if they do get back into the classroom, there are definitely things which will be tough.

In high schools it appears there will be some hybrid model that combines being home and being in person. I know we’re gonna have to lay down some better ground rules than we had this spring. Somehow, dual tasking video game playing and Zoom classes didn’t result in amazing productivity...

And of course, there’s always the possibility of another shut down even if we restart. Being prepared for that is key to helping our kids succeed in this environment. I think schools are even sending double supply lists to be prepared for the possibility (happy shopping $$$).

So in this whole situation, is there a way to help them succeed? Apart from staying positive- is there anything we can do to help them?

Additional parental involvement may help set the stage. I think we all need to assess the needs of each of our learners and discuss with our administrators and teachers ways to help them succeed In the different scenarios - especially if last years shut down didn’t work for their style of learning. 

I think we need to set very firm guidelines for the kids of the dos and donts  of this new form of school. Clearly define what is and isn’t negotiable. 

PAUSE...I’ve been thinking this piece through all week and then bombshell- our county is the first in the country (I believe) to prohibit private schools from opening in September. So I guess I do have a little more time to think this one through. 

I’ve got to reset, think about zoom school and how to make it more effective for my kids, and I get a bit more time to restructure my thought patterns. 

I know this is a huge blow to so many of the parents but I’m trying to stay positive. Maybe my expectations were set to this so it didn’t feel like such a shock to me. But I know this is hard for kids and parents alike. 

So while we reset here, please share your thoughts and ideas with us about how we can make the most of this challenging setup for our kids. 

Good luck...keep me posted. 

Responsibility

The other day I was thinking about how long this pandemic has gripped the world - I don’t think anyone would have guessed when this all began that we would be trapped in this chaos for months. And while some places have slowly began the climb towards a new normalcy and some reopening, the steps and stages are staggered and slow. At the same time, so many people have had enough and decided it’s time to go back to the way things were. “What do we need to be so crazy about - let’s just get it and get it over with.”  That’s a sentiment I’ve heard from a lot of people. Teens especially. They feel they’ve been good for long enough and the times has come to restart life. 

I get it. It’s chaos. We’re bored. Trapped. Sick of masks. Sick of distance. 

But we can’t just give up. The long haul is rough but it’s necessary. 

So how can we help our kids (and ourselves) understand the responsibility we have to do our part? To keep plugging away despite the frustration? To realize that if every person does their part we can actually make this go away for good?

It’s a tough call - especially when our national leaders are not taking it seriously. When they watch other adults being irresponsible. When so many factions are making the people who are being careful out to be the crazy/paranoid/hyper ones. 

So here I am grappling with teaching about the collective responsibility. I’ve felt this even more with planning a wedding. It’s an amazing and exciting time, yet the responsibility of everyone attending is on us. We can’t force people to follow rules but we have to set up a system to do our best to ensure their safety. It’s a daunting task. 

Obviously there’s no one thing we can do to teach our kids to feel collective responsibility. Not every house can be a beacon of environmental responsibility or every parent the superstar of the community. Our lives are busy. We can try our best to make time for things outside our regular

lives but it is a struggle. 

So what can we do? 

Normally I’d say use facts to back up your discussion. But the facts are fluid these days and most people don’t trust them at this point - so they may be a weak link in your chain. 

Broken record aside, we must model. If we aren’t keeping rules and showing respect for the issues they definitely won’t feel any need. If you’ve taken to mocking mask wearers or given up any form of distancing, you can  expect your kids to follow suit. 

Second, responsibility starts with small things. We can’t expect a child to take on global responsibility when they can’t even account for themselves. When my kids were toilet training, my pediatrician counseled me to make them clean up their own accidents. Seems crazy, but after once or twice they just didn’t have accidents. If we give them responsibility in their own lives, they learn how to be held accountable. Don’t just do things for them because it’s easier and faster - let them learn and grow from their mistakes. They won’t always do it right but eventually they’ll get it. 

Involve them in the household responsibilities. You don’t have to give them chores if that’s not your mode - but cleaning the house all together or any other group household project makes them part of the responsibilities. If you do it consistently, they’ll begin to (hopefully) see it as their norm. 

Show them the big picture. Involve them in your communal activities. Volunteer with them. I love seeing families go to feed the homeless, clean up the parks, you name it. There’s so much out there for them to be a part of. The more you expose them to it, the more connected they begin to feel to causes. 

We can’t expect to wake up one day with kids who feel a sense of global responsibility, but one day at a time we can build a better world for them to be part of and, together, fight this pandemic and get back to some better normal. 

Anger

It’s possible we’ve touched on this before but I checked back in the archive and didn’t see a dedicated post so I decided it was time for one. 

Anger. Rants. Raging teens. 

If you’re the parent of a teen and have never experienced any of the items listed above - please share your magic. 

As for me, I’ve been on the receiving end of a rant more times than I can count. And if you want to know the truth all I want to do is yell back. I know, it’s fruitless, but it sure might feel good. 

Before we discuss some thoughts on useful reactions towards teen rants - I think it’s crucial to see a rant for what it really is the majority of the time. Rant = cry for help. 

It’s extremely hard to sit there listening to a ranting person and think rationally - our most base survival instincts emerge when attacked - but if we could put ourselves in a sound proof glass case and watch an angry outburst it would be so obvious to us. Watch the body language, how tense they become, the eyes are a telltale sign.  Scientists who studied anger found that the part of our brain called the amygdala activates when we are angry. It is where our fight or flight response is. The teen is in battle mode. Our job is to figure out why. 

I don’t believe teens are the most self aware beings. Yes they have moments of self awareness but in general, the ability to self reflect and delve deep is something that develops much later in life. We, however, have the ability to probe and attempt to figure out what it is they’re struggling with and bring it to light. They may not accept our assessment but as adults, if we know our kids well enough we usually can understand where it is coming from. 

Does knowing the issue help when we’re on the receiving end of a rant? Yes and no. 

First let’s talk about what to do when someone is ranting at you. In my opinion, nothing. That sounds pretty lame I know but have you ever just taken the wind out of someone’s sails? Remember the Berenstein Bears book where Mama is preaching about good manners and Papa is busily telling her how he needs to stand up for himself sometimes to get things done (I’m paraphrasing of course). Then he rear ends someone who stops short on the road and he gets enraged but when a bigger, angrier bear emerges from the other car he pulls it together and remembers to be polite and it ends up being a calm misunderstanding involving some road crossing ducklings if I recall correctly. 

The same basic principal works when you deal with an angry person.  Yell back and it will become a yelling match. Stand calmly, voice even and steady, and tell them you can’t discuss things while they’re this upset - they might yell louder to start but it’ll die down quicker. There’s only so long you can be a one man yelling act. 

If they don’t stop - walk away. They are too big to be removed to their room to finish their meltdown but not big enough to be reasonable and know that anger solves nothing. 

Once you’ve successfully given them time to calm down and cool off - try to do the digging into what is causing the upset. Feeling out of control about an issue often triggers anger.  Teens struggle with controlling their life and their circumstances- they often feel rules we impose are unfair, situations with friends can become overwhelming. Teen years are tumultuous - there’s no lack of issues they’ll deal with. 

Experts say there are three types of anger. 

• Passive aggression - where we act upset or sulky but don’t really communicate our anger openly 
• Open aggression - think yelling and screaming type
• Assertive aggression - when you can calmly express what is making you angry and be open to solutions about how to resolve it

Assertive anger is the healthiest way to deal with anger. This is a skill we need to model for them - be open and honest with them about how their anger makes you feel angry. Discuss how to treat people when you are angry. Keep the dialog going. 

As always remember the golden rule of parenting - MODEL! If your angry rants are what they see, they will likely copy them. It’s ok to meltdown once in a while, we are humans, but try to limit it. 

To sum it up - when dealing with an angry teen :

1. Don’t respond - wait til they’ve fizzed out

2. Revisit what is really going on in a calm moment 

3. Do your best to model assertive anger 

None of this will make it easier to stand there and be on the receiving end, but hopefully in the long run it will help minimize angry outbursts and teach them how to productively express their feelings. 

Own It

I had a funny conversation with someone this week which went along these lines :

(Them) My kids are always in my bed

(Me) That’s awful

(Them) Can’t do anything about it cuz there a few close together in age

(Me) I had 4 under 5 and they weren’t in my bed...

(Them) I’m out of excuses

Ok I’ll own it - it sounded superior - but that wasn’t the point of this post. We all have things that are crucial for us in our parenting. Sleep wasn’t negotiable for me when my kids were little - without sleep I’m not a great person to be around. Knowing that about myself I was always crazy about their sleep schedules when I had a lot of little kids. What we decide to as parents is our choice. 

If you feel the need to make excuses for a behavior then you are not owning it. If you’re the parent who believes in a curfew, don’t apologize for it. You have thought through your decisions and standards and set up a certain system or way of parenting in your own house. If you believe in what you are doing you have nothing to apologize for. 

Back to the bed - if you believe in the family bed and want that to be a part of your children’s upbringing that is your prerogative. You don’t have to apologize for it. If your kids are In your bed because you are too tired to get up and take care of them and train them then that is lazy parenting. Decide and own it. If you’re apologizing for it, it’s because you don’t believe it’s the right thing to do. 

In general, I think it’s crucial for us to think through the choices we make in our parenting. Sometimes real life takes over and things get chaotic. This past week (as some of you who know me know already) my daughter got engaged. All schedule was off the table. The night before we made a little outdoor engagement party, the house was a wreck and my 6 year old was rollerblading around the house at 10 pm as I cleaned up. Yes, I was lazy parenting because I didn’t want to make the time to put her to bed, but life gets in the way. 

I’m not talking about the exceptions - we all live in the real world. I’m talking about the rule - the day to day. The choices we make and the effects they have. 

Own it or change it - excuses should be a thing of the past. 

Taking Risks

Today I have more of a question for my readers than any actual advice. Sometimes I truly wonder how to approach an issue and my own fears and experiences shape my perspective in ways that might not always help my own children. 

I realize that just realizing this is a step in figuring it out. Yet it is definitely not enough to know you have some issue, you still  have to find a way around it. 

Here is the quandary - how do we decide how to allow our children to take risks which may be safer than we think from our parental eyes while still keeping them safe? How do we not allow our own fears to become their fears?

There are simple ones which we just need to conquer - if you’re terrified of dogs and tend to get anxious and make your children anxious in their presence - you must find a way to stay calm so you don’t transfer your fear to them. Dogs are not a true risk. Most dogs, especially ones with owners on a leash, are very safe. Practice breathing or dealing with your fear before it gets too far into your children’s psyche. 

Other risks are much larger and have potentially dangerous outcomes. I myself find that when my children go into the ocean, I’m worried about them going too deep and being pulled out. Of course, there are lifeguards and I am watching closely, but the ocean is quite a beast and it can be powerful. Add to this fear the fact that one of my kids required a lifeguard rescue when they were younger and you understand why it causes me anxiety. At the same time I love the ocean and the beach and want them to enjoy. And they go so far out - no joke. And I do not want them to be scared of it, just smart and cautious. 

So back to the question - how can I help them take calculated risks without sharing my fear with them?

Add to this the idea that I truly believe that when kids aren’t allowed to experiment, when we impose too many rules and restrictions, they tend to do riskier things. 

In our house we’ve never given the kids too many rules - no curfew, no specific guidelines to follow - just be safe and let us know where you are when. A lot of people have told me I’m naive and too trusting of my kids (both very probably true statements) and yet I’ve always wanted them to know I trust them so they feel they need to keep that trust. But I still worry I transfer my own risk adversity to them. 

Or, conversely, the fact that I’m more risk adverse will cause them to be risk takers. 

My husband has always been of the mind that we should let them take as much risk as possible in our presence so they can experience it with our guidance. He lets them taste the wine, go jet skiing or snowmobiling, do the more crazy stuff with them - to give them that sense of freedom but be able to guide them through it. 

Yet that still leaves me with the heart palpitations as they try each thing. 

So I end where I started - with the question of how to stay calm while they take their risks, have their experiences, and attempt not to have them go to either the fearful or fearless extreme in the process. 

I’d love comments and ideas!

Everybody Else

Have you ever had an incident with someone else’s child and wondered if you should tell the mom what happened? Overheard a carpool conversation which the kids clearly didn’t realize you were listening to and think - uh oh. Our mom radar tends to go on high alert and many of us wonder when the right time to butt in or say something - to the kids, the other parents - would be. 

This dilemma is one of the most challenging ones in some ways because we only know how we parent. We have no control over a large part of the situation. We have no idea about everyone else. We don’t know how they discipline. How they react. How personally they take criticism. How open they are to issues with their own children. 

If you’re reading this blog, you’re likely looking for support, ideas, ways to improve and enhance your parenting abilities. Not everyone feels the same. And even those who do can’t always hear it when it comes to their own children. The shoemakers children go barefoot syndrome... (just ask my teenagers, they question my parenting on the daily). 

So how do we approach issues with other kids and other parents? 

Many people want to go straight to the source - talk to the other mom, tell her the issue you’ve experienced or witnessed and let her run with it. After all it’s her kid and she’d want to know. 

WRONG 

This is one of those times where you can never assume. 

Let’s take a step back and asses the situation. For starters, you have no idea the bigger picture. Does this kid have issues? Are his or her parents aware of them? Do they already have their child getting professional help? Do they want to be reminded again of what they are likely struggling with at home? 

Since it’s likely you don’t have all the answers - it’s highly advisable to take a conservative approach. Going to the parents is more than likely a bad plan, at best not necessarily your place. 

So what can you do?

My first line of attack would usually be the school.  Whether you have a good relationship with the school counselor, the principal or the teacher - if this child is struggling it’s more than likely they know about it. Giving them information can help them help the parents get the child what they need. That approach also gives the parents the privacy they deserve to deal with their child’s issues. No, they are not responsible for their child’s issues, but many parents still feel somewhat embarrassed by what they’re going through. 

If the school approach is not an option, I would look for a close friend of the parents to consult privately. They may have advice about how to approach the parent in a way that will be effective. Or they may tell you it’s a no go and you have to take an altogether different route. 

What you definitely should avoid is directly confronting the child. They are not your child and it isn’t your place to discipline them. If they’ve passed early elementary, there’s no real way for you to politely tell them what to do. And it’s not your place. Their parents can choose how to discipline them.  

Unless the behavior is dangerous, which is an altogether different discussion, you can’t actually change the other child. You can talk to your own child and give them guidelines about how to approach the situation. If the child at issue is missing the skills needed to navigate within the group, perhaps you can ask your child to be more forgiving and inclusive to ease the way for them to fit in. If helping is not an option, steer your child in a different direction to avoid the problematic situation. 

So many of these problems resolve themselves over time but plenty need adult intervention. Even the best of intentions can land you in some sticky situations with other parents, so tread lightly when it comes to others peoples kids. I guess like all things in life, if we want to change the world we need to look in the mirror most. 

Understanding

So today I’m posing more questions than answers but I think it’s just time for a bit of food for thought. I think we’ve discussed corona and it’s effects for far too long. The world focus is shifting from virus to systematic racism and many of us are faced with the question of how to bring these issues to our children. If you are not among the people vastly affected by the problems in our system, it can be very hard to explain in a meaningful way what is happening and decide how to talk to your kids about it. I tell my kids all too often that their privilege is coming through when I hear them talking or commenting about the wrongs or rights of different situations. It is all too easy to judge, whether meaning to or not, or just to simply misunderstand.

Another very difficult conversation to have with kids is police brutality. On the one hand, I want my children to inherently trust the police. I want them to feel comfortable turning to them if they are ever lost or in trouble. But how do I explain to them that they don’t always do the right thing and there are problems in our system ?

I remember the first time I truly realized that an authority figure was human. I was in high school and a teacher acted extremely inappropriate in a situation with a student, even asking us not to share information with our parents. It was a very bitter pill to swallow. I had a very hard time accepting the fact that although this person was a teacher and supposed to be above these types of issues, they were also a human and, clearly, misguided. As the years passed the pills became easier to swallow and I understood that the world was not black and white. When an authority figure would do something painfully wrong or inappropriate, I had an easier time finding the nuance and not judging the whole by its parts.

When it comes to the issues that are headlines today - Systematic racism and police brutality - I have no magic answers. If you don’t live it and experience it I truly believe we cannot fully comprehend what it is to live it.

Like many issues we face, I believe it is important to break it down for kids. These are huge issues that won’t be understood or resolved in a conversation. But if we try our best to identify the issues, discuss them in smaller, age appropriate chunks, and find tangible ways to explain the parts, hopefully we can come closer to sympathy for the issues. We have to make sure, in so doing, that we look at the big picture of what is going on.

For children who are being brought up going to parochial schools where they are secluded, as most are in my community, I think it is very difficult to truly help them understand what life is like in other communities. My daughter recently showed us a video where all the kids were lined up for a race and  the ones who could answer yes to certain questions (I.e the ones with privilege) were able to get a head start (Watch the video here). I found this a tangible and powerful way to begin the conversation. In a lot of ways, so many of us live in a bubble and we don’t even realize it. Our kids, who know nothing different, certainly don’t. Modern day racism is harder to explain than it was when there were separate fountains but it is no less real and problematic. Help your kids understand it, identify it and figure out how to start becoming part of the solution not adding to the problem.

Police brutality is definitely a real problem. But there are many police officers who protect and serve. I would venture to say it is the majority. The problematic ones get the majority of the attention, but that doesn’t mean they are the majority. I encourage every parent to focus on that. I think the older kids can understand more when it comes to these problems. As a teenager, the world becomes more complex and you trust less. Teens are usually more ready for the discussion about problems in the system. They have seen and experienced miscarriages of justice. Though they might pale in comparison, they still have the ability to understand these problems in a deeper sense.  I think for younger kids this discussion can be similar to when we talk to our kids about strangers.  We want to strike a balance between trusting adults but not all adults and yet not making them paranoid about anyone who isn’t family.

I started by saying I have more questions than answers and I stand by that sentiment. I don’t know the best way to help our kids process current events and remain positive about the state of our world. But I do know that we need to start these conversations, be ready for some uncomfortable answers and comments and talk through things to help them begin the work of making this world a better place.

Think Again

Corona has made us all stop in our tracks.  Life just came to a grinding halt.  For some it’s been a pause button while for others a reset. There are a few things that struck me this past week which were worth discussing.

First, as I talked about earlier, my daughter graduated high school this week. As opposed to the typical graduation (where everyone feels obligated to come but typically most don’t find the experience uplifting or personal), this experience felt deeply personal and extremely exciting. The school clearly thought through this and tried to find a way to make this momentous even though it was atypical. Now, I realize that desperate times call for desperate measures and I’m not so far gone as to assume that this can be recreated in a typical “normal” time but it did make me stop and think. Is there some way we, as in the royal we (our principals, our schools, us parents) can rethink the way things were done and improve them? Can we learn from these experiences and use them to shape, change and improve the way we do things? Why stop at graduations? The world is our oyster and this time of craziness can have some silver lining. We could use this as an opportunity to re-examine the way we did certain things and make them better.

Perhaps we need to think of a few things we dread most in our communal/parental life (think dinners, graduations, school presentations in the middle of your workdays, speeches...whatever It is for you). Once identified, I wonder if you could think of a few options to change or tweak them which could make them enjoyable instead of obligatory. I don’t think these solutions will come fast or easily, but I think if enough people put their minds to it, some great ideas will come forth.

Before I make my second point - I acknowledge this is gonna sound harsh to some and you may vastly disagree.

So with that caveat, second, on a completely different note, I’ve been hearing people discussing this summer over and over. Most conversations go something like this:
“Such and such summer program just announced it cancelled”
“Another one?? It just keeps coming”
Now, while you have my sympathy that plans have once again been cancelled - I think it’s time to face the situation head on. Let’s look at the facts:
- it’s been months and this thing is still here and still real
- there is no quick fix
- even though we’ve been well behaved and following  the  rules, we don’t get a pass to start lessening the rules until we’re given the go ahead by our states
So, my main point here is - stop being so surprised! Make the expectation at this stage that things are closed indefinitely and make that plan A at this point. The constant disappointment is too much to deal with and won’t make it any easier on yourselves or your kids.

Silver lining that most people who are accustomed to sending their kids to camp may not like to hear - your kids are going to have an old fashioned To Kill A Mockingbird type summer (Think Jem and Scout and how they spent most of their time). They can bum around, discover the outdoors, bike ride, play in your sprinkler, and do all number of things they may not have done in a while. They’ll have plenty of time to explore and use their imaginations. There’s a lot of benefits to this. Not being programmed is not all bad.

Yes, for those of you who, like me, work during the day - it will take some teamwork, flexibility and patience (in heavy doses) - but I truly believe you’ll all end up better for it. Embrace the new norm.

It can definitely be like waking up in an alternate reality - but don’t those make the best stories sometimes?

So I guess it is up to each of us to decide - is this a pause or a reset?

Click

My kids and I read the Cam Jansen series years ago - for those not familiar, she was a kid detective who had a photographic memory and all she needed to do to remember a scene would be to close her eyes and say “Click.”

There are times in my life I wish I had that ability. 

Today my third child graduates high school (even as I write that, I can’t believe I’m old enough to have three post high school age children) - and there’s a part of me that just wants to be able to freeze this day, this memory, this feeling. There are so many times in life - especially milestone times - but even regular everyday times - that I want to do that. Sitting on the hammock chilling with the kids, enjoying the lively table discussions we have these days sans any company, watching them take their first step, seeing the way they grasp a new idea. These are the moments that make it worthwhile and yet they are so fleeting.

In the chaos of everyday life and getting by, in this crazy world that is in the midst of a pandemic, it’s hard to stop and take the time to appreciate these things. And yet we should. We need to, for our own benefit.  We discussed creating the moments for them during this time where milestones are passing without the regular fanfare - but this piece is not about them. We need to focus - make a mental note, write a journal entry, mark the memory.

If we don’t make our own way to “Click”, it’ll be hard to remember it later. 

When I was in labor with my youngest child, my oldest sister came along with me for the labor and delivery. It was the first time we had anyone with us in the delivery room and to be honest,  one of my motivators was that I wanted her to force me to get an epidural since I knew my husband wouldn’t (and I HATE NEEDLES). She’s also great company and a wonderful calm. While we spent the day there, with what was actually a painless labor for the majority of the time, she wrote a letter to the baby. Recently, going through my file cabinet, I came across it and read it to my daughter (who is now 6) and it was wonderful. I wish I had one for each of the kids from their labors. It really strengthened in me this idea of marking the memory.

Most people recall the tough times easily. It’s hard to forget trauma. It’s hard to forget the struggles, the battles, the challenges we faced raising them. The good moments are easier to forget. They’re also easier to go unnoticed. Take the time to notice them. Make a point of writing them down. It’s something to turn to during the harder times. It’ll help you remember why you’re fighting so hard for them (or with them) to shape them into the amazing people they will become.

Everyone has unique ways of marking memories - scrapbooking, journals, photos - whatever way you can find to mark some of the unique moments in your life with your children - I urge you to do it. It doesn’t need to be grand or complex, a simple notebook to jot down cute things they say will do the job. You could blog about them for yourself :)

But take the time to do something so that when we’re older and it’s harder to conjure up the feelings from these special moments, you find ways to remember the good parts.

Less is More

This is one of those weeks where so many different things made me think of this I just had to write something about it.

We’re about to spend another holiday in Corona-ville Reality, where usually we would be with friends and possibly family and now we are still on immediate family only.  For my family and a bunch of our friends there’s an extra little twinge this time as we normally go to the beach together to celebrate this one and personally I love the beach, it is my happy place. So I was thinking about facing this next holiday and realizing something that I have really learned from corona.

If I had to sum up the strongest lesson I have learned from this time it is that less is more.

Less is more when it comes to feeling like you have to please everyone and do everything all the time. Do what works. Say no when it makes sense.

Less is more when it comes to cooking huge meals for these holidays - a few good fan favorites make everyone happy. No need to go overboard all the time. (Note - if you like it, go for it, but if it adds stress don’t make yourself crazy).

Less is more when it comes to feeling the need to entertain constantly or have group activities all the time - your family is enough of a crowd to manage!

Less is more when lecturing your kids - they get it pretty fast and don’t want to hear more.

Less is more when it comes to critique - of yourself, your partner, your kids - everyone is trying their best.

Less is more when it comes to your reach in this world - you don’t need a thousand likes or readers or followers - if you touch one person, help ease their stress or make their day a bit better - you’ve changed the world in your way.

And as This holiday is starting in a few hours and I haven’t cooked yet - less writing is going to have to be more!

Happy Shavuos!

Milestones

Milestones are a special and unique time for all of us where we can celebrate an achievement or a life changing event. They’re usually times that are a mix of excitement, anticipation and some anxiety. When it came to these events, pre corona, there were a lot of details to attend to and practicals to worry about.  I thought it was worth discussing how we are all dealing with milestones in this unique time.

 

Things are very different now - most of the milestones your kids will experience this season will have a very different forum.  Graduations will be virtual.  Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are more likely to be caravans of people passing by outside your door then coming together to celebrate.  The entire experience is different.

 

It is easy to focus on the have nots in these situations - everyone is talking about what they won't be having.  But there is a lot of HAVEs in this as well, and it would do all of us a lot of good to think about them and focus on creating them.

 

No, you won't have typical, traditional milestones.  We won't watch them walk across the stage and accept their diplomas.  We won't see them get up in synagogue to lain/chant their portion of the Torah reading.  And I think it is ok to let that disappointment be discussed and felt.  And then move on.  Dwelling on what we aren't doing during this time of global illness and chaos won't do much positive for anyone. Keep perspective.

 

Once you have accepted that this is going to be different - make it unique.  Find ways to celebrate the child and the occasion which they would never otherwise have.  Create a socially distant celebration.  Enough with the Zooming...I think we're all over that...but there are so many ways to make their moment memorable.

 

How?  Here are a few ideas I've seen around which might help get your creative juices flowing -

 

• Order them (or the family) custom shirts or other memorabilia and wear them around on the day of your celebration (or the week of it).
• Make them a surprise milestone box - your box can be full of quarantine joke items about their milestone (I am creating an adorable high school graduation box for my daughter) or it can be a treasure box type.  For my wedding (and I believe my siblings had this as well) - my father gave my husband and I are treasure box filled with items he had collected throughout my childhood (notes we wrote, coins from places we visited, pictures from special moments, etc).  To this day I have that box in my closet and I take it out when I really miss him.
• Decorate - your house has now become party central - make it feel like it.  Hang banners, streamers, make posters - whatever you would have thought to do for them at their event - do it at home!
• Feast - no get together (or get alone...what do we call it these days) is complete without a feast! Get baking or cooking or grilling - make it feel like a special day.
• Find a way to include those people that mean the most to them.  Whether this means getting everyone to make video clips and making them their own personal video, or getting people to drop by outside to congratulate them - find ways to make them feel like everyone remembers their moment

It also pays to discuss the milestone in a more serious way with them.  Talk about what will change now (if the milestone comes with changes) and share how you felt when it was your time.  The anticipation over the future is only worse now that they feel their future is kind of ruined by this global pandemic and they aren't sure what will happen next (if anything at all).  My guess is that they probably feel more anxious than we do about when the world will reopen and if things will ever return to normal.  Transitioning from one stage to another is scary enough without the uncertainty of the world being in flux. 

 

I hope everyone can embrace these milestones and appreciate them in a different way than they ever expected.  Personally, I have a feeling these milestones will be the most remembered ones in their lives in many ways.  Not many people can turn to their grandchildren one day and say "I (fill in the blank) during a pandemic."

 

Congratulations on all the milestones you will witness with your children during this time - we will be virtually celebrating with you!

Masks

Everywhere we go these days we’re surrounded by people in masks.  Sometimes as I’m running through the park passing them I wonder who they are beneath those masks - I even write little storylines in my head of what they might be like by the way they smile or grimace as they pass me (eyes can show you a lot, and yes running solo can get boring I miss my running buddies a lot).

I wondered when I titled this post if people thought I was going to discuss Corona and the benefits of wearing masks or maybe the hierarchy (as my husband calls it) of the mask wearers versus the non mask wearers in the outdoor spaces. But I’m certainly not qualified to tell you when and where and how to apply these haphazard set of rules we’ve been given during this chaotic time. The masks brought to mind something which I think about often and decided was worth discussing.

Every one of us is constantly wearing many masks - juggling our various roles - parent, spouse, employee or employer, community member - you name it. It’s a common myth that women multitask better than men but studies show no one actually multitasks well - women just tend to take on more than men (sorry any males reading this, I read it in a science journal). Whatever the case is, my point is that we wear masks all the time - putting on whatever persona is needed to fill the role we are trying to fill at the given time. But all of this mask wearing around me makes me think of who I am beneath the mask?

When all the layers come off - when we have finished meeting every need of every person In our lives, who are we? Do any of us make the time to ask this question? There’s a pop song that asks “without you who am I?”

 Sometimes I sit back and I try and figure out the answers - what are my own dreams? Goals? What is going on inside independent of everyone else. This is such a hard thing to focus on in the chaos of family life but no less important than everything else.

I’ve written before about making time for yourself but this is different than finding time to pamper yourself or carve out quiet space - this is taking the time to think deeply about who you are and what you want. It’s counterintuitive because we think that being in a relationship or being the parents means thinking about everyone else before ourselves- but if we lose who we are and our entire existence becomes wrapped up in our roles - we lose a piece of ourselves in that. And sometimes we wake up too that late in the game and end up feeling very empty. You don’t want to look in the mirror one day and wonder who that person staring back really is.

And if you don’t like what you see - or parts of what you see - it’s never too late to change that. We’re dynamic flexible learning creatures.

And I wonder if we ever truly take the time to unmask ourselves.  Is there some space where we can be our raw selves, free of judgement, where we feel comfortable enough to take the mask off? Are we afraid to explore that piece, with all the successes and failures, pride and shame, completely raw for someone (or just ourselves) to see?

So...who are you without the mask?

Denial

Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt...the saying goes.

Some problems are so clear and so easy for us to identify that the idea that our child can’t see them seems impossible. Others are harder to conceptualize and even harder to accept. One of the hardest things you’ll have to do as a parent is accept a hard truth about your child and address it. Even harder, you will have to find a way to guide your child through the stages of denial and forward to a path of acceptance and change.

Let’s walk through this with a scenario because it’s just easier than talking in concepts.

At home, child X is shined on or, alternatively, doesn’t seek much extra attention. Maybe he’s the youngest and was babied a bit but you saw no harm in that or maybe he was always self sufficient. He doesn’t need to share much due to his placement in the family and you haven’t pushed him passed his boundaries in any significant way in that area - or maybe it was the opposite.  Or maybe you had a house with strict rules and he was in a place in the family where someone else always dominated over him.

Whatever the case, from your point of view, he seems like a good kid.

Now fast forward and you’re somewhere in early elementary, teachers are tiptoeing around in conferences about some behavior they’re seeing and talk they’re overhearing. Your son seems to be “dominating” in certain areas. Maybe you’re glad to hear he stands up for himself. Maybe it doesn’t occur to you they don’t know how to tell you he’s actually bullying other kids. Or Maybe they’re telling you directly and you’re writing them off in your head as over exaggerating. The conferences get a bit more direct over the years but before you know it you turn around and you have a middle school bully - full blown. By now, other parents are talking among themselves for years about your kid but no one knows quite how to tell you the facts.

Let’s face it - no one wants to hear or accept that their child is a bully. But face it we must!

So let’s take this apart a little.

First, it is not your fault that your child (fill in the blank here - “ is a bully” “ has a phobia” “ has an eating disorder” - any number of things can go here). Yes, there are always pieces of things you could have done differently but none of those guarantees that the outcome would not be what it is. Yes, everything we do has some affect on things but some things just are. Kids are humans with personalities and traits. We have to guide them and steer them and do our best to mold them but they are independent people. There’s no question some things could have (and maybe should have) been done different, but things are what they are and wishing the past could change won’t  resolve anything other than making you feel guilty. So let go of the past and look at the present and future when dealing with a situation. That is the first and most important step in facing any issue.

Second, until you face whatever the truth of the issue is - your child cannot. It is difficult to accept that something real is happening with our child. Small things we all own up to on the daily (they don’t help, they leave huge messes, you name it) but big issues, real issues that go deep - personality flaws that have to be changed, learning issues that will affect them long term, addictions, mental health issues - these are hard to face and easy to ignore. If you’ve never experienced a significant issue with a child (yet, hopefully you won’t) it’s hard to imagine ignoring it - but it’s less of ignoring and more of a blindness. We all have a blindness to our children’s issues - it’s part of the way we love them so much (if they weren’t so cute when they were little we would probably eat our young like some animals do). But these blinders have to come off at times and we have to accept that there is an issue. Until we do, our child can’t face it.

The last piece of this process is helping our child accept their truth. This is by far the hardest. It requires a very individual approach. I can’t tell you how to make your child see it because each child is unique. Some need a very direct approach - they need to be sat down and told the truth of what is happening. Others need to be gently nudged around the edges until they can come forward with their truth (most of them know it, they just need the right conditions to be able to admit it). Whatever the approach is, there are a few ways to ease the blow. Make sure you don’t blame them for the issue - outline the facts but don’t make them feel like a bad guy. Stress your team approach - they’re not alone in facing this issue, you will help them and be there for them. And focus on the positive - they are a great person and this is one issue - this doesn’t define them. They are not a bully - they are acting in a certain way. They are strong and smart and kind and giving (keep the praises coming) and all those good things will help them overcome.

And have plan ideas ready for actual steps to take to help them once they have accepted their truth. But that is something for another (or maybe from a past) discussion.

No issue is too big to face, it’s the idea of facing it which is usually the hardest part.

The Unsung Heroes

I have big ideas for things to discuss this week but I wanted to put out a quick Mother’s Day post - an ode to the unsung heroes:

For the days when you are noticed and all the days you’re not...

From day 1 something changed And your focus moved from within to without 

The toddler tantrums turned into teenager rants and believe me it is all real

But you endure and you keep giving cuz that’s what moms do 

Food that appears in the house when no one was in the mood to shop

Laundry loads that miraculously get done and put back in drawers 

Dinner that happens no matter whether you were inspired to cook 

But you endure and you keep giving cuz that’s what moms do 

The epitome of a multitasker - no matter how many things you’re in the middle of, you’ll stop to help with the urgent need or question 

There’s never been a finder like you - when things are desperate and they have “looked everywhere” - one glance from you and the item is found 

But you endure and you keep giving cuz that’s what moms do 

You are there for everyone and for their every need 

Tolerate the messes for the sake of creativity 

You Nurture ideas and foster kindness 

And you endure and you keep giving cuz that’s what moms do 

The moments where they come for a hug or to share a problem make it worth it 

Depending on the age and stage, they may be rare but they make it worth it 

You keep loving, keep learning, fine tune your methods ...

Cuz you’re a mom and that’s what moms do. 

Happy Mother’s Day!