We all compare. We say we don’t but let’s face it - everyone does. We try our best not to and yet we still do. We compare ourselves to other people. We compare our kids to other people’s kids. We compare our kids to each other. I think it’s good to get the facts straight and admit this to ourselves. I think it’s also important to acknowledge it and realize it needs to end somewhere.
I don’t know how much we’ve talked about my life but let’s say my first few years of raising kids were atypical. Having my oldest daughter diagnosed with a brain tumor before the age of 1 while being six months pregnant with #2 comes with a unique set of challenges. It has a way of putting HUGE PERSPECTIVE into your life. While everyone else is stressing about not sleeping or colds or maybe ear tube surgery with their toddler - you’re tackling things like chemo treatments, when to say yes to radiation therapy, and experimental protocols. So it should come as no surprise that sometimes when I would talk to people - especially ones I was newly friends with - I would get comments like “I shouldn’t complain to you about this.” Because everyone compares. To them, they were comparing their challenges to mine and feeling that theirs were insignificant. Even now I find the comparison things popping up - I was running with someone I didn’t know the other week and she was talking about not having enough time to fit exercise in outside of running. We were having a normal discussion about it until she realized that she didn’t have kids and I have a houseful - and she said “I shouldn’t complain to you about not having time.”
So here’s what I think - yeah, maybe there’s some truth to that because it is a good thing to complain less and problem solve more. And yes it is good to keep perspective on your life by being able to see how other people’s lives are more complex in some ways. But no, you don’t need that to be your yardstick for how your life is going, how big your issues are or how great your progress in any single area. I think the most important thing all of us can do for ourselves and for our kids is to be able to do YOU because of YOU. Recently I realized that my hardest runs, the ones I push myself way out of my comfort zone and really work the most - are the solo runs. When I was thinking about it, I realized that when I compete against myself I work the hardest. Because mostly I need to prove to myself what I’m capable of. I think this is the key to the curbing of the comparison dilemma.
There will always be people who are smarter, richer, faster, poorer, heavier, stronger - you name it. But if you live your life with them as your yardstick, there is no end to the happiness/unhappiness cycle. It isn’t about what they have or what they can do - life is about what you have within you and what you can do with it.
So why, you may ask, am I discussing this on a parenting blog? Well for starters, you can’t live your life comparing your kids to everyone else’s. First - you truly have no clue what goes on in anyone’s house when it’s just them. But also - every child is different and has their own set of challenges- maybe the mom who you see as the calmest most in control mom has a house full of mellow kids who just roll with it? Or maybe she struggles but doesn’t share. It is irrelevant to your own life. You aren’t going to cope better with your own struggles because someone else copes worse or has less issues to deal with. Second, every one of your children is unique and has their own strengths and weaknesses. Just because child X easily achieved perfect marks in school doesn’t mean that child Y’s B average didn’t take all of their effort. Comparing them isn’t fair to them or you.
The key here is to refocus ourselves. Focus on the internal - be that your own personal internal coping mechanisms or the internal of your house and your life and your children. Find what works best for you and roll with it. Please yourself, please your family - and seriously don’t worry if that doesn’t work or make sense for someone else. The bottom line is that it doesn’t have to because at the end of it all, your life will be better when you live it for you.
I understand this is an extreme challenge in this crazy era of social media where everyone is constantly watching what everyone else is up to and how they seem to be living their lives. If possible, disconnect from that - if not permanently then at least take measures to cut down. I doubt we realize how much it affects us and how we perceive ourselves and our situations.
Do your best not to compare your kids to each other - praise them for their successes and highlight their strengths. Define them for them whenever you have the opportunity. And don’t be shy about sharing your own strengths and weaknesses as appropriate. Show them pride at your accomplishments and discuss them - it’s not bragging - it’s good to be proud of yourself. And don’t be scared to show them the failures as well - they can see it for what it is - good effort and self reflection. As they see these skills in action they’re learning how to self actualize those skills.
Live your best life and I believe you’ll be modeling for your children to live theirs as well.
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