Trapped with Teens ... Help!

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has had my rough days with teenage attitude trapping me in a house where we’re all already trapped. There are days when they keep a lid on it and we’re all grateful and there are days they’re cheery and full of energy. And then there are days when they’re full on psycho teenagers. And to be honest, I think that’s kind of the new normal. For those of you with smaller kids, replace psycho with meltdown and it all feels the same.

Sometimes it helps to put things into perspective.

Kids are very social creatures. Even the most social adult doesn’t compare to the lifestyle of being a kid. You spend most of your waking hours with your friends - you’re in school together all day and then often participate in after school sports, hang out with friends, do community service together. Even as adults who enjoy a nice social life, the realities of being an adult don’t allow for that level of socialization. So while we are struggling with this lockdown (and the struggle is real), I believe they’re having a much rougher time.

I completely understand that they create avenues to socialize (endless hours of FaceTime and Hangouts)... Yes, some of them are taking “social distance” walks or porch visits ...  but I don’t believe it has the same effect. And even though they’re not toddlers anymore, most people struggle with transitions.

None of which makes it easier to be on the receiving end of their frustration.

For me, on the days when I can handle it and keep a level head, a few tactics have helped me. Most of these we have discussed in the past but reminders can’t hurt.

• Don’t engage.  They’re bored and waiting for you to take the bait.  Don’t give them the satisfaction of engaging in an argument that is useless and likely to end in anger or tears.
• Keep it brief - you don’t need to ignore them but a short and simple answer to whatever the issue is enough.  “No we aren’t making cookies now, I just cleaned the kitchen” - it doesn’t need to be a negotiation or long winded discussion.
• Walk away - if they can’t respect the answers you’re giving and they feel the need to keep pushing, just walk away.  You may not be able to get away, but we all have a bedroom or an office.  Feel free to lock your door!

The simplest way to shorten a teenage episode is to disengage. It’s way easier said than done but usually with a little time they come to realize they’re not being exactly fair. And if they don’t it is way easier to discuss after the heat of the moment passes. 

Remember, in most places it’s still ok to walk outside (even in the rain, we don’t melt) - a little fresh air and a break does anyone good. Take care of yourself, be healthy, stay safe and sane. 

Pressure

Scroll through any social media feed these days and you see one person after another urging you to make memories with your kids during these crazy times, accomplish great things, make this a time to remember more than a world in the grip of a terrible disease with sickness and death all around. I don’t know about anyone else but people, enough already!

One podcast I listened to on a recent run had one woman saying that if she “accomplished” not killing anyone in her house this would be a successful time in her mind - and I could seriously relate.

Yes, we are all doing our best here but we don’t need this added pressure to do something great - be real - we are stuck at home 24/7 with few outlets or social interactions. Most parents are spending their days juggling online work, online school and keeping a passable house while putting food on the table nonstop. And loads of people are facing serious financial challenges doing it. These are crazy times.

All of this got me thinking about pressure. There is so much pressure in life - for us and our kids - we don’t always take a step back to appreciate it. There’s pressure to keep up a certain standard of living, to send our children to certain schools, to be at our best at all times to be role models to the kids, to be patient and supportive partners - the list goes on and on. Our kids face tremendous pressure in their lives as well. At every stage there’s school and peer pressure. There’s choices and challenges for them to make and navigate. And I started to mull over how to best handle the pressure without letting it make your choices for you. Without letting it define you.

I think it’s essential to remember what the source of pressure really is in order to understand how to mitigate it. The only pressure that really exists is one which we put on ourselves. That is a bitter pill to swallow since most people believe that the external pressure is not a choice. I believe it is always a choice. You get to decide what your priorities are and execute on those. You do not have to conform to anyone else’s belief about how to live your best life. It sounds like someone’s instagram quote of the day but it is really the truth if you can take a step back and be honest with yourself.

If you truly believe and accept that you are the only person who determines what level of importance items take on in your life - and believe and embrace it deep down not just with meaningless words or platitudes- then pressure takes on a completely different meaning. You can decide what to “pressure” yourself about. You can help your children navigate the “pressure” all around. You can transform the pressure into motivation to be your better self.

Redefine pressure. 

So do we have external pressures? They exist but we can define how much importance we give them.  Help your children (and yourself) by discussing them. Put them into perspective and decide which are pressures you want to impose upon yourself and which are not worth your time. Back it up with actions. If they hear you saying that it doesn’t matter if someone else did X and then you insist on doing it also - they get crossed signals.

I decided long ago not to be a part of the fashion pressure in the world. It didn’t hold enough importance to me to feel the need to waste money season after season to buy the latest and greatest clothes. When I need new clothes, I get them. But I don’t care if my dress is “so last year.”  I don’t force my teens to keep to that standard - but I also don’t give in to their constant shopping pressure. They get to buy the things they need and then if they want additional things (I’m sure everyone has that teen who just must have the latest and greatest shoe trend) then they have to buy it themselves. It is self imposed pressure and it’s ok if they decide to make it a priority but I don’t have to endorse it by funding it.

I put huge pressures on myself as a mom to be everything for everyone at home - and usually it blows up in my face as I wear myself down and am not very useful to anyone. It’s a work in progress. I’m constantly redefining what pressures I want in my world. And I struggle against the external pressures to put them in perspective. But if we aren’t aware of it we can’t change it.

In a recent discussion with a friend, she was sort of negating an effort she made in her running (“I just did 2 miles it wasn’t a real run”) and I reminded her that every time you put one foot in front of the other it is a run. I think that’s critical here - we need to stop allowing the pressure of what everyone else is doing to define our achievements and frame our pressures. Her running two miles is no less vital than someone else’s ten - she got herself out, moved and made exercise a priority. And not being at your pinnacle doesn’t mean you didn’t accomplish.

We are our worst enemy or our own best friend - just decide which side you want to be on and pressure yourself to be the best you.

As for Corona, the good memories will be there if you don’t force them. And having a bad day here or there or melting down once in a while won’t take them away. Neither will putting your foot down about not bouncing a ball in the house or kvetching that the kids aren’t helping enough. Just don’t make those the main discussions - let them be side talk. Relax and try to stay sane. NO PRESSURE...ha!

Confidence

As we navigate this new normal that has become our daily lives, I’m sure I’m not the only one who is struggling with feeling confident and competent to deal with the new challenges it poses. I’m watching my children as they adapt to a completely different way of learning. I’m attempting to keep afloat with my own work and it’s demands while being there for them, attempting to stay patient with a multitude of interruptions, all the while juggling a busier house and constant mess and activity around. It’s a lot and we’re all doing our best. After my mommy meltdown last weekend, where the straw just broke this camels back, I needed some reset time to think about how I can feel more like my old, confident self who had way more patience and bandwidth, who could confidently say I’m the mom and I got this.

On a recent run, with no music to keep me company, I found a podcast I’ve been enjoying called “Lift your Legacy” by Jacob Rupp. In the episode, he was discussing how to build confidence and I appreciated his approach. I think it speaks to both parenting and how to help our children build confidence in their abilities. His main idea was that confidence isn’t an all or nothing - you aren’t lacking confidence if you are weak in one area and strong in another. Confidence is basically a mindset. If instead of thinking of yourself as confident or not confident, you think of a specific area where you are stronger or weaker, you can build that area and then conquer the next area. And he suggested doing so in stages. Just like any other area in our lives we want to work on - if you bite off more than you can chew it’s more likely you’ll fail or give up.

So how can we put this into practice with ourselves or our kids?

I’ll use this online school as a starting point....

 Some of the kids feel completely confident in their tech skills or independent learning abilities and just hit the road running. Others are likely coming to you every five or ten minutes with a “can you...for me” request. Resist the urge to do it for them. Turn the request back to them. Ask how they think it should be done. Heap on the praise when they figure it out. If they can’t, do your best to take them through it step by step and then push back again the next time. They will quickly learn they can do it themselves if you give them the chance.

I’ve noticed my first grader sitting with her hand raised waiting often to be called on. At the beginning she seemed so frustrated because she wasn’t noticed. I realized at some point that it’s very difficult with the Zoom platform for the teachers to be doing all this multitasking. They need to be watching so many screens and navigating their own tech while showing materials - of course it’s hard to notice who is raising their hands. So I reminded her that it wasn’t about the fact they are ignoring her - it was about the difficult setup that they’re managing. Sometimes confidence dictates that we realize it’s not about us. We have this, but the situation doesn’t always allow us to shine. Perspective helps define things and if we employ it, it will help build confidence.

As for building confidence parenting, like any other area in our life, pick one area where you don’t feel confident and build a plan for those situations. Personally, I’m struggling with the teenage stage. I always felt relatively  confident with younger kids. But give me an angry teen and I’m ready to cower in the corner. The debates and attack on character can be exhausting. So how can I feel more confident when dealing with them? I’m attempting to build my arguments before beginning conversations with them. Trying to react on the fly to some upset or challenge they’re bringing at me  usually ends in frustration. Forcing them to respect my need for time to think before discussing their latest “pressing need” gives me time to think about the situation and decide how I want to approach it. They can’t yet appreciate that skill since we live in the generation of the here and now, but I hope one day they’ll look back and realize that the conversations they had to wait for were far more productive. And I end up feeling more confident in my approach because I had time to think.

To simplify -
- break it down - find one area to work on at a time
- push back - take ownership to build each skill
- keep perspective
- make a plan and keep to it
- praise, praise, praise - yourself and your kids!

Building confidence is a process that takes time and patience with ourselves. No great thing in life was accomplished quickly. We all watch far too much TV which portrays “aha” moments where one conversation just broke through a barrier and changed everything. Real life doesn’t work that way. Every time we succeed in an area in our life in any small way, it’s like one brick that is laid to build a house. Eventually, you’ll have your dream house, but it’ll take time and work to get there. Be kind to yourself in the process. Be kind to your kids in their process. Reward all your progress and that in and of itself will help them (and you) see the successes as they come.

Dayeinu! Isn’t it Enough?

We just finished Passover, the holiday that transitions us from a slave nation to free people, able to worship G-d in our own manner. There’s a famous song at the end of the Passover Seder that says “dayeinu” - it would have been enough. It goes through step by step of each thing that G-d did for us and says if that alone was all He had done it would have been enough. At our Seder, the first year in a long time we weren’t with a table full of relatives or friends, I brought up a thought on this idea. If we had only learned social distancing but hadn’t had to quarantine and lock down - it would have been enough. We would have learned a lesson. If we had quarantine and covering up in public, it would have been enough to learn a lesson. Every additional layer of restrictions we are given - we learn just how nice that old freedom was. And we see how important it is for us to appreciate every small aspect of our lives.

Coronavirus- and in general a worldwide pandemic- has definitely put a lot into perspective. We can look at the world with a new lens. We can see and appreciate the things in our lives we have lost focus on. But it is also kind of enough at this point. There’s a pop song with the lyrics I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you” - sometimes that is kind of how I feel these days.

I hate corona because it is making us live in fear. We are scared for our relatives and friends, we want everyone to just be safe and healthy.

I don’t hate that I have been forced to have extended time alone with my family - and yet I hate that we are all stuck together with no outlets so that one persons bad mood can really affect the entire house.

I hate corona because it isn’t allowing us to see friends normally and interact - and yet I like that all the pressure of  getting things just so for other people is gone for now.

I love that the world has gotten some priorities in order and set people straight about what is and isn’t important in our lives. I hate that it comes at such a price.

How does any of this relate to parenting? Especially parenting teens? It doesn’t. I’m finding it a particularly difficult time to enforce rules.  I never expected to be fighting with my kids about what is and isn’t essential to run to the grocery store for (candy? No!). Struggling over what types of outdoor social distance visiting is appropriate.  These are new and scary challenges - trying to stress the urgency of what is happening without seeming alarmist. Hoping and praying they won’t learn to take it seriously by it hitting too close to home.

 The states are adding restrictions by the week and yet how are we, as parents, supposed to enforce them?  Today I have more questions than answers.

What I can say is this - this is a new era. I don’t know what will be after corona - but like 9/11 - things won’t look the same. Everyone theorizes about what is and isn’t “dead” post corona - will we shake hands ever again? Will we have movie theaters? Will we all make it our new norm to grocery shop in gloves ? Who knows.

Right now I’m just fighting to stay sane every day. To take it as it comes. To try and give everyone space now and then since we all need some. Wishing just a little they’d give me that same space when it all becomes too much and we just need to breathe. And doing my best to enjoy the times when they’re all happy to sit down and play a game together to pass the time.

A Different Kind of Holiday

A Different Kind of Holiday

This post is dedicated to my mom, may she live and be well and stay far away from Coronavirus!

As the world remains shuttered attempting to stop the pandemic sweeping the globe, Jews around the world prepare for a very different type of Seder.  Many people will be making the holiday for the very first time. Tables that usually have 20 or 30 people will be immediate family only. Still others will be sitting solo (or hopefully on the porch, weather permitting) to keep a safe distance away from possible spread.

So how can we infuse this holiday with a special feeling? Keep it uplifting and joyous despite the circumstances?

Growing up Pesach preparations began in my house around January. No, that was not a typo. My mom is a super planner and we started our clean out early. By the time other people were beginning to clean, we were already hard at work cooking for a week filled with family and fun. Pesach was a great time in our house. Everyone came together - we were at least 20 or more for every meal for an entire week.  It was chaotic and fun and a lot of work.  My mom prepared like you’ve never experienced. Pots of soup til the store almost ran out of soup vegetables. Pounds and pounds of potatoes and onions. So many potato kugels you lost count, all hand grated of course. And then the holiday began.  My mom did all the work in the background but my Dad ran the Seder. He loved having everyone gathering and involving the kids and adults. No reading from your papers, that was a rule. If you knew the commentary well enough to say it without notes you could contribute to the conversation. Hiding the afikomen was the best scavenger hunt we ever experienced. All in all, we loved the holiday.

And now we fast forward to a year where it seems so much of that is being changed. But I believe we can infuse this holiday with a different type of meaning and experience. For once, we are not allowed to invite guests. We must focus just on our own immediate family. For eight days straight. Challenging? Most definitely. Possible? Of course!

Create your own traditions - pick something new you are going to try this year and introduce it at the Seder. There are so many great ideas out there - one of my brother in laws gets marshmallows for the Seder and tosses them as rewards to the kids for their questions and involvement. Make kits of the ten plagues and get involved! Ever seen the leek fighting tradition the sefardím have? Look it up, it’s great fun! We usually have one Seder with friends and they make it so exciting - Egyptian dress up, the four questions in every language, and loads of games and riddles.

For the rest of the holiday - Make it exciting! How?
- buy a new game that you’ve never played and make some family game time on those long holiday afternoons
- walk to the forest or gardens nearby if you have and enjoy the fresh air

As for the grandparents who are missing that time with their family and have to be solo - send them something to enjoy from afar.  Cards, letters, a new picture album. If you need other ideas, comment below with your email and I can send specifics of Pesach related ones.

Yes this is going to be a different type of holiday - but different isn’t always bad - sometimes it’s just new. Choose to make this exciting different!

Coronavirus Chaos

This week I’m just going totally off script and doing something different.

We’re in the midst of absolute chaos. Our world has ground to a halt. So much has changed so quickly it’s almost impossible to keep up with. A virus is sweeping through our world and everyone is doing whatever they can to stop it in its tracks. It’s kind of like we woke up one day in the middle of a movie. If I were watching it I might even say the plot is not believable enough and who thought of this script?

As for our little world of home...My daughters senior year in high school has basically now been cancelled. Two of my college age kids have the rest of the semester home. And the rest go to school virtually. We’re juggling 8 virtual realities in one house and some things are amazing and some completely overwhelming.

So today I just wanted to share different things I have thought/felt/heard/seen/experienced which may help you get through:

- Man Plans and G-d laughs has taken on a whole new level of meaning
- There’s a whole lot of darkness around us but a whole lot of light left inside
- Take a step back at some point and realize this too shall pass
- It’s ok to complain some of the time - these days are long and there are a lot of people in small spaces
- Time has sort of lost its meaning in a way. When you’re home almost all the time and have nowhere to go it just doesn’t seem to matter much if you have dinner ready at 6 or 8...maybe that’s just at my house
- Move as much as possible - I ran a spontaneous half marathon this week because it meant more time in the fresh air!
- One of my sons decided we have so much time together all day he went on strike against family dinner the first week. Too much together time. We let it be but he’s back at the table now.
- My youngest doesn’t love virtual school - she misses the regular routine. Her teacher made a one on one zoom call to just hang out with her.
- I think a little levity about the situation is ok - it relieves the stress and anxiety. Yes it’s awful and people are suffering but it’s also a lot of change and restrictions for everyone and sometimes humor can get you thru.  Tasteful humor of course.
- A few weeks ago we didn’t even know what social distancing was, now it’s a household word
- There’s so much kindness in the world - we just have to tap into it.
- Everyone seems to be taking different approaches to this but I’m amazed at the lessons people are learning from this experience.  Two examples:
     - We have to value our earth more - look how the pollution has gone down since we have ground to a halt. Maybe we need to treat it better.
     - Family time and the family unit is being revived - we were so busy going out and doing things we might have forgotten that there’s so much to be gained right in our own houses
- It’s spring and I’m amazed watching the world burst into bloom oblivious of the chaos within it
- Small things are huge sometimes. Running last week, this woman was driving up and down the road near the path blasting music and cheering - her friends race was cancelled and she decided to simulate it for her. We all made her a finish line to cross.

To sum it up, these are crazy times. I believe this will be that moment for our kids. Every person I know remembers what they were doing on 9/11 when they heard the news. Different generations remember the moment they heard Kennedy was shot. Anyone in the DC area vividly remembers the sniper. This is a time our kids are going to reflect on as adults and remember. I think it pays to add some good memories to this experience- I’m hoping my 6 year old remembers that we went out on her bike every day and I jogged next to her as we took in the sights and breathed the fresh air. I hope my older kids will remember cousin Zoom calls where my family at large virtually hung out. And long Shabbos afternoons where we played every game in our closet. Mostly, I hope we all stay healthy and make it safely to the other side.

Attitude of Gratitude

I think it’s safe to say we are living through unprecedented times. The entire world is in chaos. Our schools and institutions are shut down. Public places are shuttered. The world is at a standstill while a new and dangerous virus terrorizes multiple continents.

At times like these it is easy to spiral into negativity. There is a lot to be worried about. A lot of mistakes will be made. No one knows exactly what to do or how to handle things.  The learning curve is steep and there are already so many missteps we are watching play out.

And yet  there is also a lot to be grateful for. I think we all need to take a pause and shift gears to an attitude of gratitude. If our kids witness us finding the good, especially in times like this, they will look for the good.

Take a few examples from this past week:

I’m amazed when I take a minute to contemplate what has gone on. Last Thursday the governor announced the closing of all public schools and asked private schools to close as well. Immediately our school went into action - and here we are, less than one week later, with a virtual school platform set up and ready to go. Will there be hiccups? I’m sure. Will some things fall through the cracks and get messed up? For sure. But we can’t focus on those things - we have to step back and be amazed at the sheer ingenuity and creativity of the staff. Are the people who have to work from home while guiding their children through this time going to feel some stress? YES but that is not the focal point. The discussions should revolve around the accomplishments and the flexibility. It’s all a matter of where we choose to place the emphasis.

Our synagogue realized it couldn’t hold services in person and within a day the emails were coming with daily learning schedules, prayer times, uplifting videos. Throughout the world Zoom meetings have become the new norm and the praying and learning continued.  Do we feel discombobulated and unbalanced taking away our central hub for religious activities? Of course. But again not the focus.

So many people are stuck home with their families and no other contact. It is stressful. It is also special. They may not be able to appreciate that part but we can try.

We are (hopefully) healthy, our houses have food, we have community. We are blessed with plenty. Try not to focus on the things we don’t have or what we’ve run out of or didn’t stock up on, look at your full cabinets and be grateful.

And like most things, we can lecture them about this from here until next yesterday but if they hear our discussions and we are always finding something to criticize they will follow suit.

So yes, there are loads of issues and challenges. We are not going to be able to keep our panic at bay, our tempers even and happy smiles at all times. But we can try our best to keep an upbeat mood and to focus on what’s going right more than what is wrong. On the accomplishments of our leaders, community, and whoever else instead of our collective mistakes.

Fear

Everyone has fears - sometimes we know what they are very clearly and other times they come at us so suddenly they take us by surprise. A few years ago I had to get an MRI and they asked me if I was claustrophobic and I confidently answered that I was not. Little did I realize what being inside such an enclosed space would feel like. I remember going in totally calmly, opening my eyes and seeing the machine in front of my face and feeling such a complete sense of panic like the walls were closing in on me. It was totally irrational and yet very real. I made them take me out and flip me around to the open side and I managed but with truly great effort and a totally mental game playing out inside my head.

When our kids face fear it is easy to brush it off and tell them it’s nothing - but I’m not sure that’s the best approach to deal with fear.  I feel like we may have discussed this directly and certainly we’ve touched on it in many different ways but I wasn’t sure if we’ve ever discussed the full fear approach so I figured it was probably worth a post.

First and foremost - when dealing with fear - it is important to identify it. Things you don’t name are far scarier than what you can define. We have a book called The Popup Book of Phobias which actually has main fears defined with pop out illustrations. It’s humorous and diffuses some of the fear around fear. Fears have names and we shouldn’t be afraid to use them.

After you’ve defined what it is you are scared of - try to get to the WHY of it. What is it about the dark that scares you? Why do you feel scared when the teacher calls on you in class? Understanding what prompts the fear helps you talk to the kids about the underlying issues. Sometimes this is all they need to understand there’s nothing to be scared of. But often it just helps them understand and process the fear. Over time they may be able to get rid of it because of the knowledge but not often immediately.

After you’ve defined and understood the fear - you have to take the hard steps of confronting it. Yes, avoidance is easier - but far less helpful. There are some things they will outgrow and delaying confrontation of those fears is totally within reason. But for those things they won’t outgrow, or outgrowing will take too long and cause them (and you) far too much upset and anxiety- and for all those other fears - confrontation is a necessary evil. It actually will make them stronger in the long run.

Make a plan for how they can deal with the fearful situation:

 Scared of the dark? Can a nightlight help until logic kicks in? Can you help them close their eyes and imagine light imagery? Walk around the room in the dark and let them feel the same objects they feel in the light and identify them?

Terrified of shots ? Teach them some breathing, teach them the trick of pressing a different spot to refocus their attention, and choose something beforehand to reward them for their effort.

Last bit of the fear approach - try your best not to let your own fears fuel theirs. Don’t give them more to be worried about. You’re the adult - appear strong and confident if possible. Even if inside you’re terrified, find your mask.

Every fear has a basis and can be dealt with - it takes discussion, a plan and time. I myself have needed repeat MRIs and I psych myself up, take something to stay calm, and keep my eyes closed in that machine.  I do not look forward to them but I do cope with them.  I guess we all have to grow up sometime.

Plan But Don’t Panic

The world is going fairly crazy over the Coronavirus - and I get it, these things are scary and overwhelming. I’m not a Doctor or a scientist but I’ve read enough to realize that for most people it isn’t dangerous. For the people it is dangerous for, it’s really dangerous. Obviously I don’t have the credentials or the expertise to advise people about when to panic or how to prevent the illness or the spread - what I wanted to discuss very briefly is about planning for the extreme without panic.

Last week in my house we were making a Costco list and deciding what items we needed in case of a quarantine. One of my older daughters expertly pointed out that even in that scenario, Instacart still functions (we hope) so she felt there was no need - but the planner in me didn’t want to be stuck with no cereal or staples if we somehow ended up locked at home. What I didn’t realize was how freaked out my 5th grader would become from the discussion. Apparently, between the news, school discussions and this - he was getting really scared.

So we had the following talk - and I’m sharing it in case it helps anyone else decide how to approach this unique situation with their children. I told him the following. We don’t expect a house fire but we put a plan in place to deal with it. We talk to our kids about how to get out if we’re trapped, what to do and where to be. We are not panicked or paranoid about whether we’ll have a fire, we are just planning. I explained that the same was true here - we don’t expect to get this virus, if we do get it, we aren’t even super worried about how sick it will make us - only that we might share it with someone else who is in a higher risk category. And that is why we need a plan - just in case we are secluded and have two weeks without leaving home. It’s not a panic, it’s a plan.

In general, I think we have to diffuse the fear about situations by arming kids with knowledge. Those things we can’t define or understand are always scarier than what we can name and have decisive steps to protect against.

Good luck and stay healthy!

None of These Things is Quite Like the Other

We all compare. We say we don’t but let’s face it - everyone does. We try our best not to and yet we still do. We compare ourselves to other people. We compare our kids to other people’s kids. We compare our kids to each other. I think it’s good to get the facts straight and admit this to ourselves. I think it’s also important to acknowledge it and realize it needs to end somewhere.

I don’t know how much we’ve talked about my life but let’s say my first few years of raising kids were atypical. Having my oldest daughter diagnosed with a brain tumor before the age of 1 while being six months pregnant with #2 comes with a unique set of challenges. It has a way of putting HUGE PERSPECTIVE into your life. While everyone else is stressing about not sleeping or colds or maybe ear tube surgery with their toddler - you’re tackling things like chemo treatments, when to say yes to radiation therapy, and experimental protocols. So it should come as no surprise that sometimes when I would talk to people - especially ones I was newly friends with - I would get comments like “I shouldn’t complain to you about this.”  Because everyone compares. To them, they were comparing their challenges to mine and feeling that theirs were insignificant. Even now I find the comparison things popping up - I was running with someone I didn’t know the other week and she was talking about not having enough time to fit exercise in outside of running. We were having a normal discussion about it until she realized that she didn’t have kids and I have a houseful - and she said “I shouldn’t complain to you about not having time.”

So here’s what I think - yeah, maybe there’s some truth to that because it is a good thing to complain less and problem solve more. And yes it is good to keep perspective on your life by being able to see how other people’s lives are more complex in some ways. But no, you don’t need that to be your yardstick for how your life is going, how big your issues are or how great your progress in any single area. I think the most important thing all of us can do for ourselves and for our kids is to be able to do YOU because of YOU.  Recently I realized that my hardest runs, the ones I push myself way out of my comfort zone and really work the most - are the solo runs. When I was thinking about it, I realized that when I compete against myself I work the hardest. Because mostly I need to prove to myself what I’m capable of. I think this is the key to the curbing of the comparison dilemma.

There will always be people who are smarter, richer, faster, poorer, heavier, stronger - you name it. But if you live your life with them as your yardstick, there is no end to the happiness/unhappiness cycle. It isn’t about what they have or what they can do - life is about what you have within you and what you can do with it.

So why, you may ask, am I discussing this on a parenting blog? Well for starters, you can’t live your life comparing your kids to everyone else’s. First - you truly have no clue what goes on in anyone’s house when it’s just them. But also - every child is different and has their own set of challenges- maybe the mom who you see as the calmest most in control mom has a house full of mellow kids who just roll with it? Or maybe she struggles but doesn’t share. It is irrelevant to your own life. You aren’t going to cope better with your own struggles because someone else copes worse or has less issues to deal with. Second, every one of your children is unique and has their own strengths and weaknesses. Just because child X easily achieved perfect marks in school doesn’t mean that child Y’s B average didn’t take all of their effort. Comparing them isn’t fair to them or you.

The key here is to refocus ourselves. Focus on the internal - be that your own personal internal coping mechanisms or the internal of your house and your life and your children. Find what works best for you and roll with it. Please yourself, please your family - and seriously don’t worry if that doesn’t work or make sense for someone else. The bottom line is that it doesn’t have to because at the end of it all, your life will be better when you live it for you.

I understand this is an extreme challenge in this crazy era of social media where everyone is constantly watching what everyone else is up to and how they seem to be living their lives. If possible, disconnect from that - if not permanently then at least take measures to cut down. I doubt we realize how much it affects us and how we perceive ourselves and our situations.

Do your best not to compare your kids to each other - praise them for their successes and highlight their strengths. Define them for them whenever you have the opportunity. And don’t be shy about sharing your own strengths and weaknesses as appropriate. Show them pride at your accomplishments and discuss them - it’s not bragging - it’s good to be proud of yourself. And don’t be scared to show them the failures as well - they can see it for what it is - good effort and self reflection. As they see these skills in action they’re learning how to self actualize those skills.

Live your best life and I believe you’ll be modeling for your children to live theirs as well.

Drawing a Line without Judgement

Picture this - your child is invited to a friends house and you aren't 100% sure that you are comfortable with the other family's rules.  You don't want to be overbearing, or the type of  mom who picks and chooses your child's friends, but there are things in the house that make you uncomfortable.  Maybe the house has no filters for their children's internet and un-monitored usage...or they let the kids just eat whatever they want and they only have sugary snacks and you keep a really healthy household....  There are so many iterations of this dilemma - so what do you do? I've long felt that the more opinions I have about my children's friends, the more they want to be friends with the child in question.  But in this case, lets just assume the child is young enough you get to have these opinions and reservations and your child is going to listen to your opinion, or better yet, you get to decide if they can go to the house.  Lets assume you really want them to be able to go (or perhaps there's a group activity involved and you don't want them to miss out)...so back to our question - how can you lay down the rules for your child without appearing as if you are judging?

This comes at us in so many ways it’s actually kind of amazing. You might find it with simple topics like house rules - bedtimes, curfews, electronics, etc - and honestly those are the easy ones. We are allowed to have different approaches towards rules and structure in our houses. Whenever my kids question why we have a certain rule but that other mom doesn't, I always tell them they have the option of going to be in that family but as long as they're part of mine, they'll have to live with my rules.  Obviously, that works when they're below age 7 or so, but once they get a bit smarter - these discussions become difficult. 

I think this breaks into two major categories - house rules and laws. 

House rules are basically anything you have decided for your family.  If you believe in curfews, then having a curfew is a house rule.  If your child rails about the unfairness of having a curfew, that is an easy discussion - you've decided that curfews are a necessary part of the house structure and they have to abide by that rule.  It may be arbitrary in their mind, but it is a rule nonetheless.  Depending on your relationship with your child or your parenting style, you may, as they get older, have to defend your position on the matter.  The key here is that this is a decision you have made as a parent and your authority as a parent is what makes that rule stand.  If you have confidence in your rule and you still agree with the premise of it, it will not be a difficult discussion to explain to your child the rules in your house.  If, through these discussions, you feel like your rule may need reconsideration, check out the previous post on making new rules.  But either way, explaining that in our house we have curfews while in their house they don't is not a hard topic.  It is not a judgement about their house that they don't have curfews (fyi, I don't believe in curfews!), it is a decision they made as a family unit.  Different styles work for different families.  No judgement necessary.  Try not to get on your soapbox about their parenting.

Laws are a completely separate and much more difficult topic to broach when it comes to this.  I use the word laws for lack of a better description.  I think this one is much more sensitive.  Laws can be anything that is a rule that you have to follow despite your personal opinion of the matter.  Think religious tenets, state rules - for example, in the state of Maryland there are rules about things like the use of safety seats for children, the age of babysitting, etc.  I have had many an uncomfortable situation where a parent would ask me to take their child in my car and the child (small and still the age for the state guidelines on booster seat usage) would come and say "I don't need a booster, my mommy doesn't make me."  I would kindly say "in my car, you will sit in a booster" and leave it at that.  But the discussion that followed with my own children was challenging.  I would have to explain that the state has rules about safety that they have given us and my job is to keep those rules.  Inevitably, at some point my child would come around to the question of "why doesn't the other mom keep the rules?"  Or take the babysitting guidelines, I have had many encounters where people either asked my children to babysit before they were the state age for babysitting children outside of their immediate family or where people talked (in front of my kids) about how they were having their child babysit even though they were not yet the age to do so. 

And when it comes to religious issues, this becomes much more sensitive.  Suppose your level of religiosity doesn't quite align with that of your child's friends - how can you help your child understand what they can and can't do without seeming to cast judgement on the friends house?

The key here is to explain your position without getting into the other side of it.  I don't think you have to ignore the questions about the other person's position but you can honestly say that you can't answer questions about someone else's perspective because you do not know it.  Clearly and decisively explain your position.  Explain the rules and where they originated from.  If possible, go to the source and show them the why of it.  Religious rules are usually derived from religious texts.  State guidelines are listed on state websites.   Arm them with knowledge so they can feel they understand the situation and the rules and it is not just arbitrary. 

As adults we often get into situations like this and we inherently understand that there are going to be situations in which we are at odds with other people's positions and as long as we don't attack the other side, we can confidently stand with our approach to whatever the topic is.  If we teach our children this when they are young, I believe they will have an easier time approaching those situations as adults without judgement and with confidence.

The Power of Positive Thinking

This week was amazing. It’s not often in the daily grind that we get to say that so I had to lead with it. As I’ve mentioned in the past, I enjoy running for both the physical and mental benefits. This week, I had the absolute honor of meeting and hearing one of my running role models - an incredibly inspiring woman who happens to be the current Israeli female champion. She also has five kids, thank G-d, and runs modestly and proudly in her skirt and headscarf. For those of you unfamiliar, her name is Beatie Deutsch. She came to America to run the Miami Half Marathon (and won it) and while she was here, she decided to do a quick speaking tour. How we lucked out and got her to come to our town is another story, but what I learned is something I felt every parent (and person) could benefit from.

Beatie arrived from New York by train and since I had coordinated her visit, I had the privilege of getting her from the train station to the school where she was speaking. The time we had gave me a chance to get to know Beatie as a person a little, aside from all the fame and fanfare. And she’s an awesome person. I’ve followed her stories and know a lot about her philosophy towards running and accomplishing things in life and I’ve seen that she has a unique ability to conquer things using the power of positive thinking. After all, she went from not running to being a national champion in a matter of less than four years - you have to be doing something pretty unique if you can accomplish that! She talks a lot about the mental game of believing in what you can accomplish, setting goals and not letting negativity stand in the way of those goals and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone.   Either way, during our car ride, I mentioned to her that she’s an incredibly emotionally healthy person and asked if that was by nature or something she consciously chose - and she told me she worked hard on it and learned from different experiences to develop that attitude.

Which brings me to today’s topic - the power of positive thinking. I think that most people believe you are either positive by nature or “practical” (ie negative/realistic depending who you’re talking to). I actually believe we have a choice in these matters. And when it comes to our kids, I think we can choose to model this ability so they can choose to take a positive outlook in their lives.  Being positive in positive situations is a no brainer - when things are going well and your child is thriving, it is easy to be positive and encouraging. It gets a bit dicier when challenges arise and things are not looking up. When it seems that you should just tell them not to try, when we want to prepare them for failure so they aren’t hurt or disappointed, those are the times when we have the hardest time encouraging positive thinking.

One of the things Beatie said that resonated with me was to set big goals, HUGE goals - and not to be afraid of failing. The fear of failure hijacks our thoughts and doesn’t allow us to be positive. But the amazing thing about thinking positive is it affects more than your mind and attitude, it actually transforms your physical abilities.  Negative thoughts actually bring the negative results. I was running the other week and I felt so tired and draggy but every time around the track I told myself - you can make one loop around, anyone can do one loop around - and at the end I had finished a 6 mile run and my last mile was actually my personal record. I honestly hadn’t thought myself capable of that speed but I just told myself I could do it and I did. It almost sounds like a pep rally speech that can’t possibly be true and yet I’ve seen and felt it in action. Sometimes just verbalizing to our kids that they’re capable will give them the boost they need to try. And failure is actually ok as long as you tried your best and gave it your all. We learn from failure, it’s a springboard for future success. But the attitude you bring to the table really determines the kind of meal you’ll eat.

I know a lot of parents think they need to teach their kids to be realists - and I agree, you need to show them realistic scenarios in life so they have attainable goals and don’t face constant dissatisfaction in their lives - but there’s a lot to be said for balancing that with some big goals, and positive thoughts. Having dreams is important, it shapes you and gives you things to look forward to and strive to become. Believing you can do it makes it possible. If you don’t truly believe it is possible you won’t achieve it.

“The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.” 

–Winston Churchill

Being emotionally healthy has many aspects, but the ability to focus on the positive, believe in the positive, and set your mind towards it is an extremely hard but worthwhile exercise in life. Just because the negative exists doesn’t mean we must focus on it. I believe the choice is ours to make. 

Sports

What I’m about to do feels almost heretical. I know to many sports is like a religion - and, as with religion, people feel incredibly strongly about their opinions. And my view of it may very well be diametrically opposed to someone else’s. So that’s my caveat before I begin. Hoping not to offend.

I grew up in a house where I recall no role for formalized sports. Yes, I have two incredible brothers, but don’t remember either ever playing on a team or watching professional sports. My father never seemed interested. We did plenty of exercise- my parents ran daily and I recall one of my brothers being skilled at Martial Arts - but official sports, never. The first time I can remember ever being exposed to sport fan-dom was when our close friends son got married. A die-hard Redskins fan, my mom and her friends decided to make his post wedding celebration in the theme of the team. Down to maroon tablecloths and a signed helmet. And when my brother in law from Chicago joined the family, we definitely heard mention of the Bulls and the White Sox and possibly some other teams. To put it mildly, formalized sports was not on my radar.

When it comes to school sports, I think we have to remember the key word - SCHOOL.  School is a place to learn - for the skilled educators to shape and model our children.  Sports coaches and the school's attitude towards sports should be no different.  I do believe in healthy competition, to a degree, but overall, I think sports has a lot to teach our children about how to understand themselves and their peers and the world around them.

When my children switched into their current school, one of the many things I had heard was there was great opportunity to be had in the extracurricular arena. Among other offerings, there were many sports teams they could be part of. I found this intriguing, as an avid runner and someone who values physical activity and all the benefits, mental and health related, this was an exciting opportunity and I encouraged my children to be part of it. Boy was I in for a surprise.  I expected them to practice and get to move on a regular basis, but I was not prepared for the games.  I was definitely not prepared for the concept of "benching" a child.  For those of you unfamiliar (yes, I'm sure I'm not the only one who didn't know this existed) there are players who, for whatever reason their coach decides, sit on the bench for an entire season.  They are sometimes played in games, for a minute or two. But for all intense purposes, they sit and watch as spectators as the other kids get playing time.  You would think they would have had to do something really awful for this predicament, but they actually don't.  What I've witnessed, both in my kids teams but also on many other teams, is that coaches choose their "favorites" before the season even starts and those kids just get played.  Sometimes, those are the highly skilled kids, but not always.  We've all witnessed favoritism and its never a pretty sight, but it is especially awful to watch in this arena where it is so public.  Aside from the obvious issues, I truly think coaches are missing significant opportunities.

Sports is an amazing way to build skills.  Not only do you learn the skills of the game itself, you learn everything from dexterity to coordination, but it is an incredible opportunity to build interpersonal skills and teamwork.  It is practically a social skills group.  Kids can learn to identify their own strengths and weaknesses and build on them.  They can learn how to identify other people's strengths and play to them.  They learn to share and that teamwork is the key to success, it isn't about the ones who score the points but about the assists and the "play".  They can learn how to be graceful winners and graceful losers.  They learn commitment and focus.  The child who lacks confidence can find a way to shine in a totally different way on the field or the court.  There are so many things to be gained above just the pursuit of trophies and banners. 

Yes, every school wants to win, but at what cost? And, you can win but not crush.  Have you ever sat at a game where the team was winning by such a large margin, there was no coming back for the opposing team, yet the strongest players (the "starters") were still in? I have, and it is more than mildly ridiculous.  Once they "have it in the bag," every child should be out there, getting time on the court.  There is no reason to teach kids to be crushers, teach them to be graceful and maybe a bit merciful.  And when you're talking about lower and middle school teams, play all the players - I'm not advocating equal playing minutes for every kid - but be reasonable.  You have to give them a chance to play if you want them to improve.  Many of the kids in these age groups haven't spent time in the game, and if they don't put them out at that point, they never will. 

I've discussed this with the headmaster at our school and been told that when kids are just allowed to play without "earning it," they will become entitled.  Tell me, exactly, how a ten year old who shows up to every practice "earns" their playing time? Or a high school boy who is capable but hasn't been shown the same favoritism? Yes, I believe the kids should show up, learn the discipline, show dedication and commitment - I'm not advocating for putting every kid in for the same amount of time.  But I am advocating for the sports to be more about character building and less about favoritism.  More focus on building people who care, who see everyone, who work together and play together.  Lets encourage the kids who want to move but aren't necessarily graceful athletes to continue to play.  Lets make it about building champion humans!

Can You Be Both?

Since I really write this to think through my approach and struggles, I decided today's post, though only tangentially about parenting, would be ok.


I recently had a conversation that really left me thinking about myself in a way that is almost uncomfortable but all too necessary.  The question posed to me was why I need to always be focused on improvement.  It seems like a strange question on the one hand - self improvement is supposed to be something we strive for - but when I thought about it, it was a really good question.  Self improvement means that we are actually looking at ourselves critically and deciding what we need to change.  Change means we don't like something the way it is.  In truth, I realized that the constant self reflection actually, in some ways, makes you someone who is dissatisfied with yourself. 


Yes, this is a strange conundrum.  We want to be people who strive for greatness, with a growth mindset - so how can we be both happy with who we are and where we are and also strive for improvement?


My favorite concept in High School was always BALANCE, it was something I thought about and pondered a lot.  I may have even written some poems about it...I know...this is getting embarrassing.  I think balance is such an important concept in our lives in everything we do.  I think it is possible to balance being a person who strives for growth while still being happy with who you are and where you are. 


The first thing I think we need to think about is how we see ourselves currently.  While being able to be critical about ourselves is an important skill, do we need to be negatively critical? Are we happy with ourselves overall? Do we find that we are frustrated on a regular basis by everyday occurrences?  Sometimes we are holding on to all types of anger or dissatisfaction and we don't even realize it, but it comes out in strange ways - like constantly second guessing ourselves or getting upset about inconsequential events.  When you stop to think about it, we all know someone who always seems to be all in a tizzy about every little issue.  If you answered yes to any of those questions, take some time and think about what it is that is really bothering you and try to figure out how to change that.  Once you do, you will likely stop seeing yourself as failing with your kids (or spouse or whatever) and needing a revamp and be able to think about improvement as step upwards while already standing in a pretty good place.


More than anything, what we have been focusing on is thoughtful parenting, the ability to be conscientious and react in appropriate ways that will shape our children's mindsets and thought patterns.  That will help them become thoughtful people, who make smart choices and react to situations in a thoughtful manner.  All too often, people get into patterns and habits in life that don't align with thoughtfulness - life can be very monotonous, aka it gets boring to do the same thing day in and day out and sometimes that causes us to turn our brains off - to go into autopilot. Habits are easy to form and really hard to break.  We get steeped in our lives and sometimes miss the big picture.  Having a place and a time to reflect on that and step back is an amazing opportunity.


One of the purposes of this blog is to help shut off the autopilot and regain the reins.  But that shouldn't be at the expense of seeing yourself and your parenting as something you need to overhaul, completely stop in your tracks or realize what huge mistakes you've made.  Mistakes are ok as long as they aren't repeated (too many times).  It is to help you make thoughtful, conscientious choices with yourselves and your children so you can feel fulfilled and propel your growth forward.

Imposter?

I remember when I had just finished college and, after interning at a company during my schooling, they offered me a full time position. I was thrilled and terrified. Supposedly I knew what to do, after all I had just earned my BS in Computer Science, but to tell you the truth I hadn’t a clue what I was doing. Everyone says you really learn what to do on the job - and there I was faced with this feeling like I had no knowledge whatsoever to face this new reality. In truth, I had many of the skills I would need to successfully navigate the workplace, I just didn’t realize it at the time. 

The first time I heard someone refer to the imposter syndrome I felt I could totally relate. Who hasn’t spent some time feeling like a fraud ? As adults we are somehow supposed to know what to do and when to do it and yet many of us are just as lost about how to approach a situation as the people we need to guide. For those who aren’t familiar, imposter syndrome (from a layman’s words here) is feeling like everyone else thinks you know what you’re doing but you don’t actually believe in your competence in the matter. People struggle with this in all ways - ever given a task at work and think you have no idea how to even begin? Dealing with a situation with your spouse or children where you are supposed to have all the answers but you feel like you have absolutely no idea what to do? Just thinking everyone else knows how to handle this and thinks I know how but they’re just gonna walk in one day and realize I’m not qualified.

In truth no matter how much we study, learn, read or otherwise educate ourselves in life - in some ways we are all frauds. No one knows exactly what to do or how to do it. And even in cases where we do know, sometimes all tried and true methods just don’t work because of the human element - we can’t know how someone will react until we try our hand at it. Parenting, and life for that matter, is trial and error. We do what we can, we try our best and we see how it goes. The difference between those of us who feel successful and competent and those who feel like they’re constantly drowning is mostly about the approach and attitude you have to your own skill set. And for many of us, if we’re being honest, our attitude is a combination of confidence and drowning. In short, we all feel like frauds sometimes and that’s actually ok.

The key, I believe, is the front which you present to your kids. If your children see you as insecure, unsure or hesitant the majority of the time - they’ll likely use that to their advantage. They might make you doubt yourself. If you punt to your partner and won’t make decisions the majority of the time, they see you as weak and pliable (think, wait til your father comes home...). Putting on a front doesn’t mean you have to feel it inside - inside you might be scared stiff or beyond the point of confusion - but outwardly you need to appear confident. It’s a balancing act, at times an impossible one, but who said this job would be easy ?

It isn’t realistic to do this all the time - and honestly it’s also not healthy. That’s why I said the majority of the time. It’s ok for your kids to see you vulnerable sometimes. For them to understand the human side of you and know you can grapple with things. I always have more respect for the person who tells me they don’t know the answer to a question or the solution to a particular issue but they will look into it and get back to me. We can do that with our kids sometimes - being confident doesn’t mean being all knowing. It just means being in charge of the situation and being able to provide a level of confidence in being able to get to a solution.

One thing I struggled with significantly as my kids came into their teen years was that balance of taking charge and seeming like I had it covered and being real with them. It’s a dangerous line to tow - on the one hand they want you to be honest and real with them. On the other they want you to be the adult in every situation. Believe me when I tell you it is very easy to step over the line and very hard to straddle it. I made many mistakes in this arena with my first kids and what I’ve learned from those times is that being honest doesn’t have to mean full and complete honesty with your kids. It can mean telling them that you’re struggling with a particular situation, not making them your confidant but allowing them to see that you are a human. And then reassuring them that struggling Doesn’t mean you are not OK, or that you do not know what to do, but that you are assessing the situation and deciding the best course of action. It is possible to be real and a bit of a fraud at the same time.

Everyone spends a lot of time putting on masks in this world. The mask we wear to work, the mask we wear for friends, we all have a variety of masks and we use them for different occasions. Try your best to have someone with whom you never need a mask, where the real you, the vulnerable or confused or (fill in the blank) you is able to be present - but when it comes to your kids, no matter how you feel on the inside, pull out your confident, self assured and powerful mask and wear it well.

Imperfect Perfection...Mistakes Happen

George Bernard Shaw once said that "If there was nothing wrong in the world there wouldn't be anything for us to do."  Put well but differently by Salvador Dalí, "Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it". The strive for perfection is one familiar to many of us.  Who doesn't want the perfect life? The perfect spouse? The perfect kids? Perfection comes in big and small packages - do you have a kid who needs to achieve perfect marks? Do you need a picture perfect clean house?  We view the world through the lens of social media and everyone's picture perfect moments and its hard to remember that life is not actually perfect. And people are definitely far from perfect. 

I find myself grappling with this concept a lot - I set up a picture in my mind of what my life should be like or how a specific situation should go and then when it doesn't go as scripted, I'm often left feeling a great amount of disappointment.  When I was a teenager I remember consciously setting my expectations low so I wouldn't be disappointed.  When my sister went to a year abroad and really didn't have a great experience, I followed her trail and went to the same school abroad the following year with expectations at about zero.  (Ask me what I was thinking going to the same place when she really didn't enjoy the experience and I'll go back to the young and dumb post from the past, but honestly it was an amazing year experience for me and I really grew from it).  As an adult, I have grappled with the expectations piece - I don't want to set low expectations so that I will always be satisfied, I want to strive for greatness and be able to achieve it.  So how do we find that balance?  Can we be great but not perfect parents? Help our children have high but realistic expectations? Strive for near perfection but not think they must be perfect?  Make mistakes and misstep and still stay on track to reach goals?

To tell you the truth, the greatest lessons I've learned on this particular topic have been from a wise friend of mine.  Of all the adults I know, this friend has been one that has shown me what true growth and development as an adult mean.  They often tell me about the fairy tale world that I live in (in a friend kind of way of course) and about adjusting my expectations to be more in line with the real world.  So today I will share some of the wisdom I have learned from them.

It is not always the actual event or end result that matters, it is the process.  We can't always get a situation right on the first try, and we don't have to.  What matters more than the actual result is what we do with the experience.  If we make mistakes, if we don't achieve perfection, what do we do with our failure or lack of perfection?  It breaks down into a few pieces:

1. How quickly do we right our course? If we make a mistake, can we recognize it and get back on track? The more quickly we are able to course correct, the nearer we come to the perfection we are striving towards. There are times we can correct ourselves immediately and reset. Other times, we need to give ourselves a moment (or a day or a week) to regroup. Learning to take that time and analyze ourselves is a hard but important step towards fixing our missteps. 

2. What lessons can we take away from these experiences? Can we find ways to prevent the same experience happening again? Being able to discuss and dissect our mistakes is a real sign of a growing person who is striving towards near perfection.  This piece can also have very important ramifications in terms of helping our kids achieve the results they are striving for in their various situations. If we can help them dissect their processes and figure out how to set up systems for success that work for them, they will have an easier time achieving good results. A child who needs more structure and process with their studying will constantly face the feelings of anxiety and potentially failure when trying to study for exams if they cram. And two week study plans would fall flat for others. Helping them figure out their best fit can help set them up for success. 

3. Can we leave our mistakes and failures behind and move forward?  Not dwelling on the things you haven't done perfectly helps us be able to move forward and learn from all of our experiences.  Mistakes should be used as a springboard for success. Most inventors failed several times before hitting their mark - we should expect no less of ourselves. 

For fear of sounding like a broken record, I will venture to say talk to your kids! Discuss your goals, discuss your struggles.  Keep the dialogue going, share your failures and successes, they need to see you as a growing, changing, developing human. 

We will make mistakes, we are human. What we do with our mistakes is far more important than the fact that we made them.  Modeling these behaviors to our children will help them integrate these techniques into their lives.

Silence

In the wee hours of the morning, as I lay awake for the third or fourth time (I hate when I set an alarm to run early but somehow my body doesn't quite trust that I will wake up), I had an entire blog post composed.  What I should have done was taken my computer out then and there and put my thoughts on paper.  Now I'm trying to reconstruct it, it was a good one!

My father as a very quiet man to most who knew him.  He definitely had a lot to say on many topics but he chose his words carefully.  He had mastered silence in a way few people ever do.  The thing all of his children wanted more than anything was his approval, which he usually gave in generous heaps (he loved his kids like crazy). On the rare occasions where you had let him down, the silence hurt worse than a slap (which, in those days, was still an acceptable mode of discipline, though he never used it).  I remember the feeling of standing in that silence, feeling every bit of the sadness and disappointment in that air.  It was not a pleasant feeling, but it was a powerful one.  There are few people who exist in this universe who are quite like my father was.  His ability to control his emotions and convey so little anger or upset in our family is a hard thing to describe. The anniversary of his passing, in December, always leaves me thinking about things from his life that I want to integrate into my own.  And this year, after several situations with different children where I was at a loss as to how to proceed in the best way, it struck me that silence is a tool I would like to learn and master.

Every situation and every child is unique.  As parents, we do our best to be proactive, to think through our children's struggles and opportunities, to help them utilize every  situation.  We want to be master planners and executors.  Despite our best efforts, we are going to get into situations where our tactics will not work and yet our children need consequences.  When your children are small, there are many ways in which to find consequences that will have a profound effect on them and help them change their behavior.  Take, for example, a child who has recurrent meltdowns.  You can attempt to incentivize, rewarding them for situations where they didn't melt down.  If all positive options fail, they can be removed from the room, lose a privilege or a toy, etc.  We have options because we are, from their perspective, mostly in control.  They may try to assert their own control at times but from a more global view, they are powerless.  As children get older, there is less we can do to assert our opinions and have it matter to them.  This obviously depends on your child, some children are naturally more inclined to keep the peace and please their parents.  If you are so lucky as to have a teenager with this disposition, you can probably stop reading here. 

For the rest of us, we are left with a situation where there is little, if anything, we can do to exert control. When we want something done or changed, do we actually have a path forward?  Obviously, certain things are still within our control - we can choose to incentivize where possible or withhold privileges - a teen who is not being considerate with their use of the car can lose the chance to use it.  But there are so many times and situations where the thing that matters to them is getting their way and they are willing to lose anything to get it.

This, in my opinion, is where the silence factor plays a huge role.  If our children want our approval, which most do, then we can help them change their behaviors by withholding our words. 

Before we go there, I'll preface with the fact that to let this tactic be effective, you do have to be praiseworthy when the situation calls for it.  Share your pleasure in seeing them do the right thing.  Share it OFTEN!  Don't let them think they only hear from us when things go wrong, when they make a misstep.   And, before going into silent mode, try your normal tactics of behavior modification.

If you've tried some or all of the following and failed, then move to option 2 (silence):
-Discuss (don't debate) what the issue is in a calm time (if possible, if not - at least in a calm voice)
-Offer alternative behavior paths
-Alert them to the consequences of their behavior
-Give them some time to think about it (again, if possible, not every situation allows for this)

Now, if all of the above seem to have fallen flat.  If they don't care if they will never have privileges again, if going to their special event doesn't matter to them, if if if...then stop talking.  Don't discuss or debate any further.  You have given them every chance and they don't seem to care.  But the silence has to be full and total.  Not the 'I'm not talking to you' immature type of silence.  The type they feel, where you are in a room but can practically look past them without noticing they are there.  You can let them know you will be tuning them out.  I advise this if they are the type of child who will believe you are being spiteful.  I think it is completely acceptable to preface with "Unfortunately you have made some poor choices and I can no longer have a discussion with you about this.  If you continue this behavior, I will stop engaging with you."  This shows them you are in control of the silence and not just angry.  This type of silence has nothing to do with anger.  It is a parent who is in total control of their emotions. 

I won't lie, this is the absolute hardest thing for me as a parent.  It is a tactic I resort to only when all else has failed.  I always want my kids to just be happy and I can't understand why they can't just get on board sometimes or pull it together.  But they really can't sometimes and despite my best efforts, they won't until they have to sit in that silence and absorb it.  Perhaps once those Darn Frontal Lobes develop and mature, maybe this won't be necessary, but in the meantime....Good luck with the Peace and Quiet!

Experiential Learning

Today is The first of January. Typically a day for resolutions. I was reading somewhere recently that every year needs a defining word. I’ve decided that my word for 2020 is going to be VISION. Yes, it’s cringy (as my teenagers would refer to it) but it is something I have thought about a while and realized that with clear vision, goals and priorities can really get set straight. With that in mind, this post is geared at helping our kids find some vision about the world around us.

Most of our children’s lives is spent in school - sad but true fact. Once they start kindergarten, they’re in school more of their waking hours than they are home. School works for some children and they learn vast amounts of useful knowledge...and not so well for others. Whichever type of learner your child is - everyone benefits from experiential learning.

With a family of our size, I’m the last person to say everyone can travel - traveling is expensive and hard to work out. Most regular people don’t get the opportunity to travel often and that’s just reality. But recently we had the amazing opportunity to travel with our family. It was the first time we actually flew with all of the kids at once (for tips on how to make it possible...well that is a subject for an entirely separate post but it involved a lot of strategic credit cards and mileage points). But here is what I realized from the experience- traveling to a new place, seeing a different side of the world where the nature and culture is different - it’s the real classroom for the kids. It opens their eyes and moves their souls. And it got me thinking about how we can integrate more experience based learning into our children’s lives. We aren’t going to single-handedly change our school systems to have experience based learning as their primary method of teaching, so if we want our children to benefit from this we have to create opportunities.

Obviously if you have the means to take them traveling - go for it! I honestly think my kids were able to appreciate it in a different way because they knew it was such a priceless and unique opportunity but even if you take them often, make it count. Don’t just run to a resort or Disney, find places and people that live differently. Have them see and experience different living conditions. Show them what is out there.

And for the rest of us, who don’t get that chance often - there are still ways to do that right in your home towns.

First, festivals. Almost every city has several that run throughout the year. Look them up and go check them out. I know here in DC the Smithsonian runs a folk life festival every year. It’s always amazing to see the people from all over the world and their crafts and traditions. Get involved!

Second, remember when we were younger and our teachers set up pen pals? Why did that ever stop? What a way to meet kids in other places and realize they’re just like you yet have totally different lives. We can pick a place with our kids and study it. Figure things out. If you can’t experience the real thing - virtually experience.  The internet has so much to offer! Virtual reality devices even let you feel as if you’re there. And bring it to life with projects and recipes from that country! Find ways to experience a place before you get the chance to visit. It might take some effort, but I believe the benefits outweigh the time it’ll take to invest. And it doesn’t have to be all at once - you can set a goal to spend 6 months on one locale - no one is rushing you to fit it in in seven days like you would have to on a trip!

Third, remember that even your own city or neighborhood has a lot more diversity than you may be aware of. Even if you are living one type of lifestyle, I’d venture to guess there are a lot of people not far from you who live differently. Some have different traditions, others different means. Open their eyes to a less sheltered version of the world around you. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, try to befriend someone who is different than your family and has different traditions. The possibilities are endless when we open our eyes to the different things around us.

When the world is our classroom, there are always opportunities to learn.

Independence

A few summers ago my three oldest daughters went on a trip to Europe alone. They were 19, 18 and 16 at the time. Most people who heard about it actually looked at me like I was insane. Who in their right mind would allow their three teenagers to travel Europe alone. They did something like 8 cities in 16 days and they had the time of their lives. It was amazing exposure to the world, bonding time and an incredible adventure. They worked hard, paid for the majority of the trip alone and, for the most part, navigated the situation on their own. They planned and executed just about every detail alone. But when they were en route to Paris their air bnb fell through at the last minute and they were scrambling and their cell phones were almost out of battery and they had no idea what to do - that’s when they called mommy for a bit of help. I booked them a hotel and sorted things out - swooped in when there was a bit of panic. (To the question of whether we are crazy parents for allowing the trip...jury’s still out. I actually never regretted it for a second - though I definitely worried for more than a few seconds while they were out traipsing the world).

When my kids were little, I was fiercely determined to teach them to be independent. I was that mom who let them choose their clothes and walk out dressed kinda crazy, who insisted they tie their own shoes and button themselves even when it meant things took soooo much longer. There were definitely times I thought to myself - why did I create this monster - we just gotta get out the door.  All I wanted was to make sure they had a strong sense of their own abilities to navigate in a world where all too often you’re on your own and need to know how to maneuver alone.  Now that my first few girls are older and I watch their independence, sometimes it actually scares me. I might have done too good a job at this particular aspect of their life. At times I notice them thinking they have to go at things alone when they could come and get some help or advice or support. So today’s conundrum is - can we teach our kids independence while still leaving the door open to teamwork? Are they mutually exclusive?

Somewhere in this great universe there is an incredible concept called balance - if someone out there has actually found a way to teach it and define it, please share! But in all honesty, I believe there is a tremendous amount of balancing when it comes to life and this issue in particular. We must give our kids their wings and let them fly. They need to trust themselves and their abilities. There are definitely situations where we have to be like those mother birds and push them out of the nest and test their wings. And there are times when they need to fall flat on their faces and pick themselves back up without our help. But there are also times when we need to step in and guide and direct them.   So how can we find the balance on this particular issue? Honestly, part of me thinks we apply so many of the rules we’ve set up for ourselves in parenting already.

To start, how can we foster that much needed independence?

Before delving into the how to - I have to throw a thought out there. Many parents don’t foster independence because of two things - their own fears or because deep down they want their children to need them. Try to remember never to let your fear define their lives. And that they will always need you (read this post on relevance).

Once you remember that, the first question to ask yourself is - what basket does the issue they’re facing fall into? (For a review of the basket method, read this post). If the issue you’re facing is an A basket - especially if their safety is involved, I would strongly suggest that you don’t use it as the time to teach independence. There will be plenty of opportunities to teach it, I personally wouldn’t focus on it with an issue you’re really focused and struggling in with them.

Second, most of independence is about self confidence. Being self aware, knowing your own strengths and weaknesses and believing you can do whatever task is at hand is how most adults approach situations and navigate them. Bolster their self confidence at every turn. If they feel you believe in them, it will help them believe in themselves.

Third, teach them troubleshooting skills. Most problems don’t have one solution- there are so many ways to approach an issue. When you come up against issues with them, discuss the options - talk it through and role play. Let them be the problem solvers. I often apply the rule of 3 (discussed this back in my post about teaching resilience).  If you are constantly feeding them the solutions to their problems, they will feel they need you to come up with those solutions. You’d be amazed what they can come up with given the opportunity.

But, most importantly, remind them they’re never in it alone.

They have you and you will always have their back. Remind them often and especially in difficult situations that they can come to you when they hit a wall. That they should never give up on something because they can’t accomplish it alone. Remind them that everyone needs community and we all thrive on it. Remind them that it doesn’t make them dependent to need help with someone. Show them in your own life how you use your family/friends/community to accomplish your goals. Independence and community are not mutually exclusive. They actually feed each other and allow each to grow and thrive.

There are situations where independence is essential - they must be able to navigate situations and think and strategize and plan and execute alone. But life is not all or nothing and when we are in difficult situations, the best thing we can have is support.

Hitting Reset ... Finding the Love

One of the amazing things about life is that sometimes no matter how right we are, we are actually wrong. That may seem like an odd statement but when you stop to think about it - there are times when we do all the right things, have a solid course of action and a smart, thoughtful plan and yet it goes all wrong. Or it goes right from our end but the recipient doesn’t think it’s gone well at all. In short, even the best laid out plans fail.

As parents we sometimes get into situations where no matter how perfect our strategy - it just is not working. We planned, thought through our goals for the child and the situation and came up with what, objectively, seems like the perfect approach. Despite all of the work and thought we put in, though, the plan fails miserably. Our child is not at all receptive to our approach and no matter how hard we try to discuss, frame, explain - we have to face the truth - it isn’t working. I’ll tell you the truth, sometimes we can’t face that. Or we can’t see it because we are so embroiled in the struggle over whatever it is that we just keep, essentially, banging our heads against the wall.

Recently I had this happen. I was convinced that my approach with a certain issue for one of my kids was the only way. And although logically, my way made sense - my child was not responsive at all. In fact, I was actually shutting them down. And I honestly couldn’t see it myself. It took a wise friend to tell me point blank - “you are failing , you need to stop. Remind your child that you love them and then you need to change gears” (thank you, wise friend, your advice was exactly what I needed to hear).

At that point when you come to this realization you are sort of at a crossroads. You could try another approach (and eventually you probably should) but before you do, sometimes it is important to find the reset button. Take a moment and remember the underlying reason you are doing all of this - your child’s welfare. Because we actually only want what’s best for them. Everything we do for them is ultimately a way to show our love for them. If we didn’t care about them, none of these struggles and failures and successes would mean much. It’s incredibly important to take the time and show them that love.

I heard a beautiful eulogy this past week where the wife of the person who had passed away said “he held my hand through life, literally and figuratively. And every once in a while, he would squeeze my hand to remind me he was there.” It was so touching and also such a great message to take away. We are all in this life together, we are trying our best but even our best just doesn’t cut it sometimes. But everyone, in the end of the day, just needs to feel a little squeeze. A reminder that you are there and even if you’re fighting or struggling or can’t find the same page - you love them. Stress the love.

I strive to give practical advice on this blog - so readers aren’t left feeling like that’s a nice thought but how do I do that when I’m in the middle of world war 3 with my child?

Here’s how - gestures. Big gestures. Small gestures. Any gesture to remind them you are there. Write a card to tell them you love them and you don’t love fighting with them. Buy them flowers. Leave them a little surprise in their backpack that they’ll find and remember how much you care. Text them how proud you are of their accomplishments.

And honestly, don’t wait until you’re deep into battle to do this - try and find small ways to remind them you love them in everyday life. A note in their lunchbox. A fog message on the shower door. Remind them that you’re there. No matter what.

And when you do, you’d be surprised how quickly they may be able to get on board - maybe not with  your original strategy- but likely with a joint strategy they help devise to work through their issues. And they’ll know, deep down, that all you really want is to love them.