Fear

Everyone has fears - sometimes we know what they are very clearly and other times they come at us so suddenly they take us by surprise. A few years ago I had to get an MRI and they asked me if I was claustrophobic and I confidently answered that I was not. Little did I realize what being inside such an enclosed space would feel like. I remember going in totally calmly, opening my eyes and seeing the machine in front of my face and feeling such a complete sense of panic like the walls were closing in on me. It was totally irrational and yet very real. I made them take me out and flip me around to the open side and I managed but with truly great effort and a totally mental game playing out inside my head.

When our kids face fear it is easy to brush it off and tell them it’s nothing - but I’m not sure that’s the best approach to deal with fear.  I feel like we may have discussed this directly and certainly we’ve touched on it in many different ways but I wasn’t sure if we’ve ever discussed the full fear approach so I figured it was probably worth a post.

First and foremost - when dealing with fear - it is important to identify it. Things you don’t name are far scarier than what you can define. We have a book called The Popup Book of Phobias which actually has main fears defined with pop out illustrations. It’s humorous and diffuses some of the fear around fear. Fears have names and we shouldn’t be afraid to use them.

After you’ve defined what it is you are scared of - try to get to the WHY of it. What is it about the dark that scares you? Why do you feel scared when the teacher calls on you in class? Understanding what prompts the fear helps you talk to the kids about the underlying issues. Sometimes this is all they need to understand there’s nothing to be scared of. But often it just helps them understand and process the fear. Over time they may be able to get rid of it because of the knowledge but not often immediately.

After you’ve defined and understood the fear - you have to take the hard steps of confronting it. Yes, avoidance is easier - but far less helpful. There are some things they will outgrow and delaying confrontation of those fears is totally within reason. But for those things they won’t outgrow, or outgrowing will take too long and cause them (and you) far too much upset and anxiety- and for all those other fears - confrontation is a necessary evil. It actually will make them stronger in the long run.

Make a plan for how they can deal with the fearful situation:

 Scared of the dark? Can a nightlight help until logic kicks in? Can you help them close their eyes and imagine light imagery? Walk around the room in the dark and let them feel the same objects they feel in the light and identify them?

Terrified of shots ? Teach them some breathing, teach them the trick of pressing a different spot to refocus their attention, and choose something beforehand to reward them for their effort.

Last bit of the fear approach - try your best not to let your own fears fuel theirs. Don’t give them more to be worried about. You’re the adult - appear strong and confident if possible. Even if inside you’re terrified, find your mask.

Every fear has a basis and can be dealt with - it takes discussion, a plan and time. I myself have needed repeat MRIs and I psych myself up, take something to stay calm, and keep my eyes closed in that machine.  I do not look forward to them but I do cope with them.  I guess we all have to grow up sometime.