Picture this - your child is invited to a friends house and you aren't 100% sure that you are comfortable with the other family's rules. You don't want to be overbearing, or the type of mom who picks and chooses your child's friends, but there are things in the house that make you uncomfortable. Maybe the house has no filters for their children's internet and un-monitored usage...or they let the kids just eat whatever they want and they only have sugary snacks and you keep a really healthy household.... There are so many iterations of this dilemma - so what do you do? I've long felt that the more opinions I have about my children's friends, the more they want to be friends with the child in question. But in this case, lets just assume the child is young enough you get to have these opinions and reservations and your child is going to listen to your opinion, or better yet, you get to decide if they can go to the house. Lets assume you really want them to be able to go (or perhaps there's a group activity involved and you don't want them to miss out)...so back to our question - how can you lay down the rules for your child without appearing as if you are judging?
This comes at us in so many ways it’s actually kind of amazing. You might find it with simple topics like house rules - bedtimes, curfews, electronics, etc - and honestly those are the easy ones. We are allowed to have different approaches towards rules and structure in our houses. Whenever my kids question why we have a certain rule but that other mom doesn't, I always tell them they have the option of going to be in that family but as long as they're part of mine, they'll have to live with my rules. Obviously, that works when they're below age 7 or so, but once they get a bit smarter - these discussions become difficult.
I think this breaks into two major categories - house rules and laws.
House rules are basically anything you have decided for your family. If you believe in curfews, then having a curfew is a house rule. If your child rails about the unfairness of having a curfew, that is an easy discussion - you've decided that curfews are a necessary part of the house structure and they have to abide by that rule. It may be arbitrary in their mind, but it is a rule nonetheless. Depending on your relationship with your child or your parenting style, you may, as they get older, have to defend your position on the matter. The key here is that this is a decision you have made as a parent and your authority as a parent is what makes that rule stand. If you have confidence in your rule and you still agree with the premise of it, it will not be a difficult discussion to explain to your child the rules in your house. If, through these discussions, you feel like your rule may need reconsideration, check out the previous post on making new rules. But either way, explaining that in our house we have curfews while in their house they don't is not a hard topic. It is not a judgement about their house that they don't have curfews (fyi, I don't believe in curfews!), it is a decision they made as a family unit. Different styles work for different families. No judgement necessary. Try not to get on your soapbox about their parenting.
Laws are a completely separate and much more difficult topic to broach when it comes to this. I use the word laws for lack of a better description. I think this one is much more sensitive. Laws can be anything that is a rule that you have to follow despite your personal opinion of the matter. Think religious tenets, state rules - for example, in the state of Maryland there are rules about things like the use of safety seats for children, the age of babysitting, etc. I have had many an uncomfortable situation where a parent would ask me to take their child in my car and the child (small and still the age for the state guidelines on booster seat usage) would come and say "I don't need a booster, my mommy doesn't make me." I would kindly say "in my car, you will sit in a booster" and leave it at that. But the discussion that followed with my own children was challenging. I would have to explain that the state has rules about safety that they have given us and my job is to keep those rules. Inevitably, at some point my child would come around to the question of "why doesn't the other mom keep the rules?" Or take the babysitting guidelines, I have had many encounters where people either asked my children to babysit before they were the state age for babysitting children outside of their immediate family or where people talked (in front of my kids) about how they were having their child babysit even though they were not yet the age to do so.
And when it comes to religious issues, this becomes much more sensitive. Suppose your level of religiosity doesn't quite align with that of your child's friends - how can you help your child understand what they can and can't do without seeming to cast judgement on the friends house?
The key here is to explain your position without getting into the other side of it. I don't think you have to ignore the questions about the other person's position but you can honestly say that you can't answer questions about someone else's perspective because you do not know it. Clearly and decisively explain your position. Explain the rules and where they originated from. If possible, go to the source and show them the why of it. Religious rules are usually derived from religious texts. State guidelines are listed on state websites. Arm them with knowledge so they can feel they understand the situation and the rules and it is not just arbitrary.
As adults we often get into situations like this and we inherently understand that there are going to be situations in which we are at odds with other people's positions and as long as we don't attack the other side, we can confidently stand with our approach to whatever the topic is. If we teach our children this when they are young, I believe they will have an easier time approaching those situations as adults without judgement and with confidence.
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