A little too much

I’m writing this for anyone who might need to know it’s not just you. 

I heard a song recently and felt it was written for how I feel lately - 

“Though everyone said that she was so strong

What they didn't know is that she could barely carry on

But she knew that she would be okay

So she didn't let it get in her way
Sometimes, it all gets a little too much
But you gotta realize that soon the fog will clear up
And you don't have to be afraid, because we're all the same
And we know that sometimes it all gets a little too much”

Thanks Shawn Mendes for getting what it feels like to live through this war. For most people, the war has faded to background noise with a side of fear and dread about what the days news might bring. I don’t know about you, but for me, it is really hard to find meaning and purpose in the day to day lately.

We have to keep marching so we do - life keeps moving at its frenetic pace but more often than not I feel like I’m moving through the motions without any real motivation. Joy is something felt in rare snippets. It’s almost like watching the goings on from outside of myself. 

More than anything what keeps me going is knowing I have to keep going. That functioning is not a choice. That the things that are my routine don’t have to feel good or inspired - they have to get done. Knowing that this too will cycle through. There will be a time when there’s joy for our people, motivation and calm. Peace. It’s just not here yet. 

Outwardly, the kids have to see a smiling parent, a functional being who keeps moving even when times are tough. Fake it til you make it?

Doing my best to cherish the small moments, appreciate what is and not focus on what isn’t. Not think long term. 

One foot in front of the other. We’ll make it through. 

Anxieties of War

 I might be overstepping and making assumptions -but the way the world looks to me right now it seems that everyone is struggling with some level of anxiety.  As Jews, our world has been upended.  And while I am an American Jew who can't even begin to imagine or pretend to understand what the people in Israel are living through and the anxieties that might be plaguing them, I can speak to what my experience here is like and hope that together we can help each other through this.

I don't know about anyone else but I need to write this for me - I haven't had much time or energy to write in the last few months.  Life gets busy.  I think everyone is overall doing the best they can (even pre war) to live life and I am not always sure people need more advice, especially unsolicited.  So back to the blog I came to try and organize my jumbled thoughts into something cohesive that I can use to make sense of a world which has lost all sense to me.

I have gone through so many stages of thought in the past few weeks it is hard to keep track.  It started with flat out denial - while it was still holiday, I could somehow assume that people were exaggerating the "rumors" they heard.  There had been a bad terrorist attack or something but war, no that wasn't possible.

As the reports were verified and the phones were turned back on, denial turned to shock.  The enormity of what happened was slowly coming out and I don't think I could process the sheer numbers.  It seemed like something out of a horror movie, not something that our people could be living through.  Eventually, shock turned to grief and sadness.  Hope creeps in and out.  Stories of miracles trickled in.  Unprecedented unity took center stage.

But then the world, as it tends to do, turned on its axis and some people started to change the narrative.  Their voices, too loud, told the world a different story.  And so began a second war - a cyber war. 

Over three weeks have passed.  The world has both stood still and kept moving.  

Many are struggling to figure out how to be right now.  

How do we continue our "normal" lives while our people are being attacked? 

How do we feel any sense of purpose in what we usually find satisfaction with while we know there are wives holding down the forts at home while their husbands are at war? 

How do we keep breathing when we know babies are being held hostage by monsters? 

How do we function and not let the anxiety and the pain overwhelm us?

Tensions are running so high and everyone needs to find the balance that works for them to keep going during such trying times.  I can share some thoughts of what has been working for me and hope that someone somewhere is able to get through this time a little easier.

• Step away from the (fill in the blank) ____________ (TV, News, Instagram, Internet)  
• I'm assuming anyone reading this isn't an advisor to the Israeli war cabinet.  For the rest of us average citizens - it won't help you to check the news multiple times a day.  It will only intensify the feelings of what you are experiencing.  Many people have warned against not watching the traumatic footage - but even the good stories and the constant updates get draining and overwhelming.  Take breaks, make a time every day to check on what is happening - whether at a war room site where they consolidate the information or simply with a timer and a hard stop time.  You will breathe easier and realize that you get just about the same amount of information this way without the added anxiety.
• Find something meaningful to you to do
• There are so many initiatives going on so no shortage of options here.  Whether you want to make cards and packages for soldiers, send messages to wives who are home alone, spiritually "adopt a hostage" (this is my personal one which we have found meaningful), take on learning or praying or good deeds - the list goes on and on.  There are more ways to fight than being on the battlefront - fighting in spirit goes a long way to calming and helping us feel less helpless.
• Talk to your kids - take their pulse on the subject
• A lot of our kids are hearing and seeing so much about this war that they don't know how to process or shut out.  Make sure to keep the conversations open and be ok with them just wanting to turn it all off and be kids.
• Be Kind to Others ...and yourself
• Seems random to be on this list - but its hard to know how someone else is processing facts and events.  They might sound harsh or judge-y - just give everyone a little more leeway.  It might be a day they're not coping well.  They probably don't realize how harsh they're coming across.  Try to give everyone a tiny bit of extra kindness.  You'll feel better and you'll likely avoid unnecessary arguments.  And while we're on the topic - allow yourself a bad day here and there.  We can't be positive all the time and that's ok.  Just don't wallow too long.
• Don't engage
• If you have haters in your life - whether it be at work, online, or just generally people you meet - don't engage.  They're likely just ignorant.  Most don't want to know the truth - if they did they'd be able to see through the lies and realize what they're saying is ridiculous.  Post whatever truths you want on your social media or wherever, but don't engage with the negative feedback loop.  

There are times when we know we will never go back to the people we were before.  This is one of those times.  The world has changed.  We have seen the bad and the ugly.  We have seen antisemitism and hatred at levels we never imagined possible.  We have seen never again and it is terrifying.  But we have also seen Jewish unity in a way I don't think we knew was still possible.  We have seen true heroes.  We have learned new definitions of selflessness and sacrafice.  We are an eternal people who have been here before- we are not victims, we are survivors.   So like so many before us, we will pick up the pieces, we will find a way forward and forge a new path.  

It’s been a minute

 Life is full of ups and downs, busy seasons, organized chaos and some not so organized... This year has truly felt like one of those packed seasons. My husband has been traveling almost constantly for his businesses, one of my kids has been sick a lot and turning into somewhat of a medical puzzle, work is very full time, and life is just busy. I’ve written far less than I had planned. But today I want to talk about finding those moments of calm in the chaos. 

Every once in a while, despite the busy stuff of life, we need to find a space of calm. Sometimes it is harder to find than others. The space looks different for everyone- we’ve definitely talked about self care and making time for you in the past.  Today is less about the bigger picture self care and more about the moments of calm. The deep breath you may need to steady yourself in a crazy situation. The time-out you give yourself when your toddler or teen is out of control and you need to figure a better way to handle it. The hour you take off to hit your reset button. 

Yesterday was rainy and gloomy. My kids were feeling a bit stir crazy having a rainy Sunday with a bit of emptiness since my husbands traveling yet again. I couldn’t get out to exercise in the morning between various driving and the rain. It felt like a day that was going to be very long. Then I realized we needed to do something for them and then something for me. We went to Target, assembled some art supplies and watched a few YouTube videos to learn a technique and spent the next few hours as painters. When all was done and cleaned up, the kids told me I was free to get a run in. It was my moment. I didn’t think twice - just grabbed my shoes and was out the door. 

Whenever there’s a discussion about self care - as much as I’m pro the idea - I remember the times in my life when there was not time or a way for me to get real time in to care for myself. Whether you’ve got a lot of small kids and can’t routinely get out the door or you’re just too busy between work and kids - or you’re solo on a regular basis. It’s not always possible to have consistent me time. 

I often get asked about how to get into shape. My first piece of advice is always to take on small manageable things. If you start off by saying you’ll exercise for an hour every day, you’ll likely last a month if you are lucky. Often taking on too much is the best way to do nothing at all. Start small, build a foundation and brick by brick you’ll build strong walls. 

So don’t worry about not having enough time for self care. And don’t let that stop you from taking your moments and making the most of them. After all, a 10 minute Power Nap is still a nap. You’ll rarely regret giving yourself a minute. Eventually, the moments will build and you’ll have carved out space and time that helps you get through the chaos and find the calm amidst it. 

Staycation? Home bound?

 A friend asked me to create a post about what to do when you’re at home with kids - whether it’s a staycation, a random Sunday or your kids are home sick and you don’t want them on screens all day. Here are some activity ideas which my daughter came up with to keep them busy:

• Make your own frendship bracelets- you only need tape, strings, and scissors

• Pot holder weaving - you can find great kits at craft stores. We use this one ( look on the bottom for pictures)

• Do Coloring pages- you can go online and print them or you can draw your own

• Build a lego city

• Pretend to be at the spa - have fun with hair and makeup, nails, etc

• Do relay races inside or out

• Make up your own board game with cardboard boxes or poster board

• Make a play store with packaged or plastic foods - you can also make a cashier

• Decorate a calendar for this month

• Make a pillow fort

• Write a silly story

• Write letters to your friends and family

• Make something with  beads

• Read a story 

• Do an arts and crafts project

• scooter/bike/go on a walk outside

• Play hide and seek in your house - there are a lot of fun hiding places you can find in your house. In closets, behind the shades, etc.

• Do a baking/cooking project - do a recipe you’ve never tried before

• Do a treasure hunt inside with cool items from your house

• Play dress up

• Make a maze with tape on the floor and have toy cars go through it

• Make a race with cars

• Have a tea party - a lot of little girls like to do this ( I used to also)

• Play the floor is lava - put pillows and other soft items down on the floor and JUMP!

• Turn a room into a different world - your playroom can become the ocean, a mountain top, plenty of places to explore. You can even let them research places in a book of maps and let them create one of the places.

Friendship and Support

 Dear Kids,

Today I want to write you a letter that brings back over 20 years of memories and illustrates so much of what I want you to have when it comes to friendships and support.  

It started with a message I got on WhatsApp - letting me know that a friend's son (who had been diagnosed shortly after Yehudis was) got engaged.  I'm flooded with memories of what we went through during those years.  

Here's a short recap of how it all started.  I heard through the communal grapevine that a family in a city not far from ours was dealing with a brain tumor diagnosis.  These were the days before WhatsApp, social media or any of that stuff.  I wasn't sure if reaching out to them was an invasion of their privacy but I felt that they knew who I was (old camp connection) and I had gotten reach outs from another frum family in Israel when we started and it had helped me so it was worth a try.  I left a message on this woman's voicemail letting her know that I had heard about their diagnosis, I was here as a resource if she wanted or needed the support, and that she did not have to call me back if she didn't want to.  I figured that was my best shot at trying to help.  I got a call back, and it began a friendship which has stayed strong for over 20 years.  When we were in the thick of treatment and the aftermath, we wrote daily "missives" to each other.  Email was our form of communication.  Our letters could fill a book.  We shared our journeys and carried one another through the hardships.  To say I've cried many tears of joy since the news came last night would be fairly accurate.

So why does this constitute a blog post for you guys? I think what my friend and I have is a great way to see the need for a support system.  Our stories are extreme.  I pray you never deal with what we dealt with.  But life has so many ups and downs.  Raising your children takes an inordinate amount of strength.  Growing and evolving as a human being takes work and thought.  You will, G-d willing, have your spouses to support you.  But don't discount the role of building a great support network.  I'm always saying it takes a village, and it does, but within your village you will need one or two key people.  For fear of revealing my love of Grey's Anatomy, I quote Christina - "You’re my person. You will always be my person.”

Those people will change depending on the situation - you won't necessarily have one friend who you go to for every thing. You need a few, but a small few.  Support looks different for different people, but please remember you don't need to go at this life alone.  You have your family, but you always need friends.  You don't need a million likes on a social media post, we're not talking Facebook friends - I'm talking about the real kind, who you can share the deepest struggles with and never feel judged.  People who understand you and understand what you are about and what you are going through.

If I could only teach you two things about friendship - it would be to be a loyal friend to someone and to let someone in. I think the second is the hardest thing of all.  

You might have an occasion where you let someone in and they let you down.  Try not to be too harsh on them - they are human.  But also remember that friendships do change and evolve and if you can't keep them in your inner circle, that's ok.  Different friendships are for different times.

If you're lucky enough, as I have been, to have more than one friend in your life that you can say is your person, you will have a very rich life indeed.

How and What

 I’m noticing that parenting goes in phases. As I approach my 45th birthday this month, reflecting on the first half of this decade, I’m noticing a shift. My parenting devolved into chaos fairly quickly in phase 1. Between having 4 kids in under 6 years and a child battling a severe illness for years - I think phase 1 can best be defined by an attempt not to drown in the turbulent waters.  Phase 2 - where those kids began to grow, we transitioned to maintenance and understanding the long term effects of treatment - can best be described by a take control method. I wanted to be in charge of my own life, figure out how to make things work and recover and heal from the trauma of illness. I believe phase 3 began sometime in my 40s where I have begun to see there are so many amazing opportunities for growth and development if I take a back seat, listen and learn. In the spirit of that concept, I’ve been trying to listen, read and absorb as much as possible from any and every person I can to see what I can learn from them. One great find has been Dr Becky, a podcast parenting personality I discovered. I recently listened to something she put out about tweens and their specific issues and how to approach them. It was the type I wanted to stop running and takes notes!

I’ll have to recap some great pointers but the main idea that struck me as so on point was this - we need to teach our children how to think not what to think. 

Pause. Absorb. What a brilliant concept. 

We spend so much time telling our kids do this do that think this think that and we don’t even stop to consider that what we really need to be doing is giving them the tools to figure out what they think. They lack a lot of the life experience and cognitive skills that we have as adults, but they are so capable of absorbing the skills necessary to begin to think in specific ways. The best thing we can do for them is give them those tools without trying to indoctrinate them into thinking the same way we do.

She gave a lot of really good tips about how to talk to your kids about anything. For example, sometimes especially as kids get older it’s hard to sit down and just have a conversation with them because they find a lot of topics awkward. She suggested talking to them while driving in the car because there’s no eye contact. Sitting next to a kid who is doing art and just kind of having a discussion and make it be chill while doing another activity. She discussed open ended conversations where you listen to an issue or recognize a struggle your child is having and instead of giving them an answer - you pose the dilemma back to them in the form of a question (ie: who wins in that situation? Or what’s your next move?). To listen to this episode - Click here - there are so many more good tips. 

As always, remember there are not so many clear rights and wrongs in parenting as there are good processes and wins and learning experiences. Keep in mind you’re a great parent - you’re trying to be there for your kid and love them unconditionally and learn in the process. Every phase has its pros and cons so embrace them and take the wins. 

Nuance

 I was listening to a great podcast about parenting by Arthur Brooks (How to Build a Happy Life) and he touched on a topic that inspired me to write a post. The discussion was about parenting and safety messages that public health officials give out. The interviewee was saying that the messages are very black and white - something like - co-sleeping is dangerous. Parents, who don’t know the risk factors and analysis, hear this and immediately write it off as an option. She said that in an effort not to co-sleep, some parents go to the couch and end up falling asleep holding the baby which is far more dangerous than co-sleeping. 

I have no intention of having a discussion about co-sleeping or any other public health issue for that matter. It made me think about how we, as parents, approach our messaging with our kids. Do we categorically disallow or disavow things? How can we approach topics in a healthy way that allows room for error? 

I especially think about this as it pertains to safety, good decisions and religion. 

I have found Safety a hard topic to approach with teenagers. With their all knowing attitudes and lack of long term thought, I find they often assume some behaviors are safe despite the obvious. It’s important to choose your safety lines carefully and to give them reasonable margins of error. If we were back in the times when seatbelts were optional, I’m sure that would be a topic of discussion.  I wonder how our grandparents and/or parents approached that discussion when they realized how seatbelts saved lives but were definitely not in vogue.

When it comes to religion - there’s so much to talk about it’s impossible in a short paragraph. At a recent wedding we attended in a very religious area, I noticed that the kids there who had “rebelled” were far more notorious than most I had seen locally. Part of me wondered if this was partly due to the lack of nuance in their religious approach. In the neighborhood where we live, there are many levels of observance.  You have the spectrum of ultra religious to modern and I believe it shows kids that there are many ways to observe. If their particular family approach isn’t working for them - they can still see many other variations which allow them to remain observant with more flexibility.

I don’t have a particular feeling of the best way to approach this with your kids - I feel every persons parenting style dictates different types of conversations. My main thought is that we should be leaving loads of room for error - parents can and should make the lines and boundaries clear - but there shouldn’t be a my way or the highway attitude. If kids know they can always discuss and question they’re more likely to take on some reasonable version of whatever the topic is. If the approach is always line in the sand - it leaves little room for growth and experimenting safely. Those lines should probably be left for the high risk safety situations (call when someone drank don’t get in the car, say no to drugs, you get the idea). 

“ Drawing a line in the sand does not work.”

The path to anything that matters in life is never linear. It twists and turns. It seeks solutions rather than charging obstinately into what it does not care to understand.

And if you ever found yourself in a sandpit like the one I described, you know that drawing a line is an invitation for others to cross it. When that happens, everybody loses.

We must learn judgement, and to pick our battles. We must learn how to be flexible, allow ourselves room to manoeuvre, and time to consider.” (quoted from “The 8 Percent”)

Against the odds

 Here we go again...Against the Odds

I like to start a post before the thing happens and come back and finish it.  Always good to see the before and after process.

This coming Sunday, I'm attempting the Marine Corps Marathon.  This training cycle has been quite a different experience than my last.  I decided to make a slightly shorter marathon training plan than I had last year since I felt I "over tapered" - basically I got bored taking it slowly down for 3 weeks so I just cut out some time on the front end and decided I would try a shorter taper.  Unfortunately, that wasn't the only new thing I tried and to make a very long story short - adding a new pair of shoes incorrectly (didn't really know that was a thing but apparently it is) ended up with my shin getting injured and having to stop my training - completely - for over a month.  While all my fellow runners were basking in the weekend long run glory - I was cross training like mad hoping not to lose too much time.  When I was finally given the go ahead to train again, there simply wasn't enough time to really build up.  I started with a hopeful - lets see how this goes - and within two weeks got COVID.  Of all great luck and timing, this was not the finest moment.  Either way, I was pretty sick for a solid four days and on day 5 I woke up feeling somewhat better, got out there and managed a 10 mile run.  It gave me some hope that I was getting back on my feet - but I only had a total of about 14 days til the marathon.  I've slowly regained my energy and I'm gonna make an honest try of it.  We will see how many miles I can get through.  But I have definitely learned from this process, lessons I least expected.  Also, some of my friends have said the wisest things on runs and I will share them here.

"Less is more.  Follow instructions" - some people have an easy time with this.  If you don't naturally enjoy movement or the after feeling, it might be hard to relate to the pushers.  But sometimes doing less or just following instructions makes more sense than just pushing yourself more and more. 

"Never make a decision on a hill" - my friend Kenny told me this early on in this training cycle.  The worst time to bail is when something is seriously challenging.  You have to wait, get through the moment, and then make a rational decision.  This advice has served me many times, not only throughout training and all of these ups and downs, but in my life as well.  Breath, get through, then decide what needs to happen next.

"Toss the preconceived notions" - nothing epic here, just something I had to constantly remind myself.  When I started my cross training because I couldn't run, I kept thinking "I'm a runner, why am I not running." Only once I realized that I'm a mover and shaker, not just a runner, did I open up and embrace the other forms of movement and found a lot of joy in the process.  Instead of thinking I was replacing my running, I thought about augmenting my running and how I want to make time for all of these things once I could run again.

"Attitude is the only thing I can control" - realized on a long run which was actually painful (followed some super bad advice and ran too soon) that the only thing I could truly control was my approach to things.  Clearly, we can't always decide our circumstances but we can choose how to navigate them.

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when you have no control over the outcome” - Brene Brown. In her book, Daring Greatly, she does a deep dive into how to be vulnerable and why it’s so good for us. Being honest about not knowing if I can do something but still giving it my best try and not being embarrassed to fail is something I’m trying hard to embrace.

"You cannot Amazon your way to good health" - my friend Adrienne said this on a run the other day and it struck me as so wise.  In today's day and age, we think if we just buy another gadget or piece of equipment, we will exercise or get into better health habits.  The truth is, you have to consistently get out there and do something if you want to live a healthy life.  It doesn't have to be running, frankly, it should be more than one thing (something I definitely learned from this process of cross training) but you need to do it consistantly.

"Surround yourself with great friends" - throughout my running I have been blessed with so many great friends to run with.  Its been one of the biggest blessings of my last few years and I truly cherish these friendships.  What was amazing for me to see was how they rallied around me during this injury.  One friend took me road biking and opened up new ideas for what I was capable of.  Another took me aquajogging to teach me how to stay in the game while I couldn't be on my feet.  More than one met me for walks.  It was an amazing feeling to be so cared for.

"Throw away the playbook - AKA Just do it" - this is something I have had to embrace as the plan and circumstances changes over and over.  You can plan all you want but I tend to think G-d has some humor and replans and diverts over and over.  Sometimes, just follow no script and run free.

Post race recap:

This was an amazing day- I won’t lie and say there weren’t a few moments of panic where I had no clue what I thought I was doing by attempting something this huge without real training.  I breathed, reminded myself I didn’t have to do anything and I should just enjoy. I met some amazing people - one woman was a brain tumor survivor - that felt like divine providence. Another was an awesome Dad of 4 who got me thru the halfway point. And at the end, me and Locksley, an elderly gentleman, helped each other with the final push. I am beyond grateful for this accomplishment and super proud and appreciate this opportunity and experience.

The Phantom Tollbooth, a terrific kids classic, has a quote I've thought of often during this process.  Milo, the main character, sets out on a journey which is rife with difficulties. Once he finally completes the journey, the King, Azaz, (who sent him on this quest) tells him:

"That's why," said Azaz, "there was one very important thing about your quest that we couldn't discuss until you returned.
"I remember," said Milo eagerly. "Tell me now."
"It was impossible," said the king, looking at the Mathemagician.
"Completely impossible," said the Mathemagician, looking at the king.
"Do you mean----" said the bug, who suddenly felt a bit faint.

"Yes, indeed," they repeated together; "but if we'd told you then, you might not have gone---and, as you've discovered, so many things are possible just as long as you don't know they're impossible."

AAA

 Somehow I blinked and a new school year has begun, it’s fall and life is moving along faster than I can keep up with. I’ve had many thoughts which never made it down on paper. 

And here we are - post Rosh Hashana - the Jewish new year. A time to reflect and reassess.

As I reflected on the idea of forgiveness - it dawned on me that I have recently had an epiphany about the best way I’ve learned to deal with issues. I wish I could say I’ve put the idea into practice well in my own life but let’s just say it’s a work in progress. 

There are three As when it comes to resolving issues or arguments for me.

Acknowledge

Apologies 

Advance 

Step 1- Acknowledge: own up to whatever it is you’ve done. It can be embarrassing to do this. Sometimes your mistake seems obvious so you wonder why there’s a need to discuss it. I believe owning it is the most crucial step towards a resolution.

Step 2 - Apologize: it doesn’t need to be grand or a huge deal. Two small words usually do the trick. If you can manage to get a thought in about either where you went wrong or how you hope to avoid it in the future - bonus!

Step 3 - Advance: move on! Rehashing, restating, repeating - it all gets you nowhere but to the land of regret which is an unpleasant place to dwell. The sooner you can put the past in the past - the sooner you’ll be on your way to a better day.

Parenting with this mindset will give your kids such a healthy way to deal with both your mistakes and their own.  

Wishing everyone a new year filled with fresh beginnings and constant recleaned slates. 

Vacation-Family Trip Time

 I hope everyone is enjoying the summer schedule. I’ve been loving having my younger kids around without intense carpool or too much schedule. We are planning a family trip (notice I don’t refer to it as a vacation) and it has me thinking about approaches to family trips. I really thought this was a topic we covered but I looked back and couldn’t find it so sorry if it’s a repeat. 

Last week I had the privilege of spending the week at the beach with my mom and sister, a niece and two of my kids. It was a very different type of beach trip than past years because we were a small group. Everything felt so easy and relaxing it was incredible. One thing I noticed as we were on the beach surrounded by many different families of various sizes and ages was the level of stress I felt from so many of the parents. I remember those years of going away with small children and I know it can be stressful so I’m putting that as a disclaimer here . Kids can definitely be challenging on trips even when you have the best of attitudes.

 One thing that did occur to me which I’ve thought about in the past is how our expectations of vacation really affect the outcomes of our enjoyment. So many people have this notion that we are all going together and we need to spend every minute together and every kid has to like every activity.  Step back, adjust your expectations, and realize that as much as everyone wants a vacation they are also going to be people on the vacation. Their personalities do not change just because they are away from home. 

It is OK to do some activities separate. It is OK if someone is not feeling it. It’s Ok if someone is in a negative mood to let them be separate or stay back. If they are too young to be alone then as much as you might not want to, it is OK to have one parent stay back without feeling like it’s a punishment (for parent or child). Maybe that kid just needs downtime. Maybe they need some one on one time and don’t do so great with constant group activity. 

I know in an ideal world everybody goes on a trip and everyone feels so grateful for the opportunity that they can see past the little things. Try to remember we do not live in an ideal world. We can only make the best of whatever each day gives us.

One strategy I find works very well for a good number of family vacations/trips is to have a list of possible things to do without having a set itinerary for each day. That way you can gauge what feels right. If voting on it doesn’t work for your family, then just choose yourself each day depending on the mood of the group. If your family has a large span of ages, like mine, take certain days where you can break into two groups and let each group have an age-appropriate activity. 

Other strategies include having on days and off days. If you’re taking the type of vacation that includes a lot of hiking or movement then planning for a lower impact type day in the middle can give everyone a chance to reset. If you’re at the teen stage, you can have a lazy morning and take some time to yourself to exercise or relax while everyone sleeps in and plan an afternoon activity. If you have small children, who still nap, maybe two shorter activities that allow for some rest time in the middle. The key is to stay flexible because rigidity with expectations is usually what leads to disappointment and frustration.

Bear in mind that even if you’re a strict disciplinarian- everyone can slip up and there is such a thing as vacation mode for discipline. That doesn’t mean tolerating bad behavior- it means letting the small things slide for those days. You will definitely have other opportunities to address those behaviors.

Last trick that works well is the age old take a deep breath strategy . Most things are way less upsetting after you breathe for about five minutes max. Even one breath usually can help you change your mind about how to respond. Kids remember a lot about family trips. Try to keep the memories positive

Summertime … reset

 Summer is here again. This past year has been an interesting one. The world is struggling with how to transition back to “normal” post pandemic. Some people can’t leave it behind while others are ready to erase it completely. I’m assuming that for some of your kids, this was a productive and growth oriented year while for others school was a struggle, social dynamics made their lives difficult. I’ve watched different dynamics in my kids lives this year and figured this would be a good time to discuss how to recover from a challenging school year. I know this will only apply to some parents but my guess is that at some point it’ll apply to all. 

So here you are in the beginning of summer break. Your child struggled in school this year. Maybe it was academic, maybe social - but by the time the door closed behind them last week the sigh of relief was audible.  How can you help them recover and reset to have both a rejuvenating summer and face school next year with a positive attitude?

Arthur Brooks, a social scientist and Harvard professor who often discusses how to build happiness, said “You can’t alter history. You can, however, change your perception of it.” The way we frame our past experiences changes how we treat them.  If you allow your past to be baggage, it will weigh you down. Retelling the story in a way that allows you to grow, learn and not repeat the same mistakes or experiences will change your future.

Once your child has calmed and relaxed some after the stresses of the year - do a deeper dive into what happened.

 If it was academic issues - did they learn to self advocate? Did they learn something about how they learn or need to structure their learning to make it better work for them? Start finding the positive twist and use it to fuel their future learning. 

Social stress? Did they feel left out of a popular group? Get too invested in the class drama? Help them figure out where the issues stemmed from and what they can take away from it. Friendships may have shifted. People may have changed. The kid who was always their go-to best friend might have turned into the popular kid who no longer cares for them or shares similar interests.  Helping them find what they learned about themselves and how they changed can help them navigate the next steps.

“Let it go” - once you have hashed and dissected the year - help them move on.  When a topic is rehashed it doesn’t get better. Steer the conversations forward. Help them focus on the here and now. Encourage some space and distance from the experience.  

Recharge - Spend time outdoors. Rediscover the things they enjoy without the pressures of school and homework and myriad other things that get in the way. Try your best not to over-program them so they have no downtime.  Going from a bad year to a treadmill summer isn’t always the answer. 

TBH, as they say, it’s not just the kids that need this after they have a challenging year - you probably need it too.  You listened and navigated and dealt with the daily stresses of having an unhappy child this past year. Find what you need to reshape, reset and recharge.

Happy summer break!

Embrace the Struggle

 I looked back through old posts before starting this because I don’t like to be repetitive and I found a related topic but it didn’t quite get to the idea I’ve been tossing around lately so I decided to have a go at it. 

I’ve been noticing a lot lately that many parents want to solve things for their kids. Or prevent their kids from having to deal with stress or adversity. And while there are definitely many  approaches to parenting - ranging from  hands on and possibly micro-managing (aka helicopter parenting) all the way to free range - I wanted to talk about the idea behind some of this. Mostly the why (since we discussed how to help kids become more resilient in a prior post).

This morning I posed a question to a few friends - if we know that challenges and struggles make us stronger and help us become who we can potentially be - why do we try to avoid them? Shield our children from them?

I’m a big believer in the idea that when we take an idea apart, figure out the pieces - we can rebuild and put it together with a better solution. 

My friends posed several possible causes for this behavior.  Mostly it came down to fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of suffering. Fear of (fill in the blank). 

Think back in your own life to situations that you have gotten through. Some might have been by your own errors - making poor choices possibly - others were circumstances you found yourself in that were beyond your control. In both situations - you likely not only learned many things about how to proceed and about yourself - but also grew and developed into the person you have now become. 

Would you choose to redo them? Almost irrelevant. No one asks for a challenge. No one wants a struggle when it can be avoided. But when these situations arise - we tend to rise to the challenges. Grow from them. 

And pivot that to becoming good at something. The first time you try something it may be exceedingly difficult. You might want to quit before you’ve even put in the effort. But once you put in the time and build up some resilience, you might find that thing to be your most rewarding. 

How many people learned an instrument, took on a sport or a skill - all of these things take time and effort and work. Usually many tears are shed before it becomes your passion. But it changes your life to find that THING that just speaks to you. Helps relieve your stress. Helps you get into the zone. 

Now think practically - have you ever dealt with someone where you felt you had to be on top of them to make something happen? It can be intensely frustrating.

 Most of these people suffer from having had someone take care of too much for them. Shield them. Since they never had to face their own problems and come up with their own solutions, there’s just an expectation that someone else will take care of it or resolve it. Even when they have their own responsibilities, you still need to almost babysit them in order to get some thing done.

So bringing this full circle - what I’m not saying is to let our kids hang out to dry. I’m not trying to tell you don’t problem solve with them. But what I do want to impart is to let go of the fear - let them experience life. Make mistakes. Learn from them. Help them problem solve through their difficulties but don’t try to solve it for them - solve it with them. Understand that it’s ok for them to have hard things to overcome. They will grow. And they will thank you for it one day. 

Near Misses

 I rarely write more than once in a week (or month these days) but something happened yesterday and I wanted to share in case any child or parent could benefit. 

I was driving with my mom to the gym yesterday and I was on one of the busiest streets in town - at least 3 lanes per side. I had a green light and total right of way. I noticed two women and two kids (elementary age) standing on the median as I approached one stretch of the street and suddenly, with no warning, one of the kids started to run across the street. She jumped directly in front of my car. The speed limit in that area is probably 35-40. Thank G-D I was able to stop in time. One crazy part of this was that there was a crosswalk but it had its own light and it wasn’t her turn. She just ran forward anticipating that it would turn. 

Why am I sharing this story? 

First - it was a huge reminder to me as a driver about attentiveness. Had I glanced away even for a minute - this story would have had a tragic ending. Looking down at a phone or even gazing out the window…these days distracted driving is a reality and sometimes we need a reminder to stay vigilant. 

Second - it gave me the chance to review street crossing safety with my kids. Especially teens - I find they are lax and often looking for shortcuts. I reminded them that the key in all these things is awareness of your surroundings. A crosswalk is the right place to cross but even there you have to check and make sure you have a clear path. I reminded them not to try a crossing when cars are coming but they think they have enough time. Pedestrian safety is crucial. 

It also got me thinking about  how even when you do everything right - awful things are possible and fault seriously wouldn’t matter when it comes to the life and safety of a child. But that is a different topic for a different day. 

As we enjoy the spring and our kids get out and play more - please review safety with them so everyone can have a happy and safe season. 

Expectations

The holiday of Pesach/Passover is drawing near and it’s gotten me thinking about expectations. There are so many ways to go with this topic - expectations of what the different members of the family will do for the holiday - with its many layers of prep from cleaning the entire house to the vast amounts of cooking. Expectations about how educated kids will be coming to the Seder - what and how much they learned, whether they’ll “perform” - everyone to the small children reciting the four questions to the bigger children sharing what they were taught. Expectations of the fun everyone will have getting together. All of these are very worthy topics but not what I had on my mind this time. I wanted to talk about setting the expectations for what kids will get - and I’m not just talking about the great and grand Afikomen. I’m thinking how really setting expectations can completely change the tone of how kids approach things.

To start with something completely not Pesach related…My son recently became bar mitzva. Amidst the celebrations and hoopla, he also had the expectation that he would finally graduate to the front seat. It’s commonly accepted that once you hit 13 you can ride shotgun. I, however, had other plans. After some discussions with my pediatrician, I understood that while it’s common practice for 13 to be the cutoff - it actually has more to do with bone development than age and weight. A child whose bones have not yet fused is more likely to be injured or killed in the front seat than an adult in the same position. Since I had no shortage of spaces in the car at this stage in my life, I opted to make him wait. The difference in his expectations and mine were a bit disappointing to him. But he adjusted and we’ve come to the understanding that he is going to wait until it’s more necessary and he’s gotten more of his growth underway. Had I set this expectation long before the milestone arrived, he would have had an even easier time with the end result, despite seeing his friends and even kids younger than him sitting in the front seat (I’ll have to keep my opinions on that to myself - just do the research, friends…look at the statistics they speak for themselves). 

My point here is not to lecture on safety - it’s about setting expectations. I’m noticing more and more that parents are bending to the whims of their kids because everyone else seems to be doing X (fill this blank however…some easy examples - getting their kids phones at a young age, sending their kids to sleep away camp…) but there’s no reason to become that parent. You are in control and you get to decide. Setting reasonable expectations for your kids doesn’t mean you are depriving them or giving them less. Sometimes less is truly more. If they know that in your family, kids get phones when they learn to drive - their expectation would not be to get a phone when all their friends may be. 

Back to pesach - In our house we don’t bargain for afikomen (I know, I hear some people shouting that takes away the fun) - we simply buy each child a gift before and they each get it at the Seder. I never liked the bargaining, wheedling or other upset over this - it has become a highlight for the kids that they know they’ll get a fun surprise. Yes, it’s different than the way most houses traditionally do it but no, they’re not getting any less or experiencing less. 

In terms of expectations for your Seder - this could be a post unto itself but just remember it’s about enjoying, having fun, imparting things to your children. If they feel pressured, forced to perform, stressed - you both may miss the point of the whole experience. 

And now back to that pesach prep I’m supposed to actually be doing…

Pearls

Sometimes too many pearls of wisdom go unnoticed. Today I’m taking the time to stop and notice them. 

Each of these is a lesson we can apply to our lives and certainly share with our children. 

As usual, most of my deep thoughts come from my runs and the incredible people I talk to during them. Here is a sampling of some of the recent wisdom I’ve gleaned:

- Negativity has no place if you don’t allow it in. This one came from two places in the same week and I felt that meant it had to be concretized. My good friend and running/life mentor actually won the Atlanta marathon this past Sunday. When describing part of his race, he told me it was cold and raining and for several miles he battled negative thoughts and considered quitting. It is so hard to be cold and tired and know you can just stop if you want - but his determination won and he consciously decided that negativity had no space in his head. Amazingly, he won the race and honestly, imagine he’d never know what he was capable of had he given it the space to grow. 

-  You are how you see yourself  - just this morning I went running with some friends - I was very achey and tired when we started out. I had done a race on Sunday and was still Charlie horse and also had tried some new workout style which left me with aching muscles I didn’t know existed. I commented to my friend how I felt like an old lady running. He surprised me by saying he doesn’t often hear me talk about myself that way. It was a good reminder - once he told me I consciously told myself You are only as old as you feel and you really shouldn’t talk about yourself like that because you’ll start believing it. Not only did I make it through the run, but I actually finished a Half Marathon without even planning it. 

Drop the agenda and take the time to hear what’s being said - we’ve discussed before how to be a good listener (In this blog post). All too often we are only hearing what is being said around us but not actually listening to it. In a recent online discussion forum, I was amazed how it seemed two parallel conversations were occurring. There were people who came to the conversation mostly to have a monologue. They were literally not reading what people were writing and responding with rhetoric and their preconceived notions. If they’d take a step back, drop their agenda and possibly take a step down from their high horse, they might have come away from the conversation with a very different perspective. The entire episode reminded me of the game broken telephone we played as kids. 

-Appreciate what you have - and acknowledge it. A friend mentioned to me that after having an enlightening conversation with a colleague - he was pleasantly surprised that the older, more experienced colleague thanked him for his fresh perspective on things. All too often, we take for granted the big and small kindnesses that come into our lives. Take the time to notice them and be grateful.  

-Energy is infectious - spread it at every opportunity-  I am part of an amazing running community. The people in it have become my friends and role models. One thing that always amazes me is how infectious their energy is. I can try something alone and struggle to get through it but somehow when we are together we accomplish insane feats. Despite everyone having busy lives and schedules, everyone makes the time to get out early (and I mean super early) and work on our running as a group. And it comes with energy - the cheering, electric, whooping type of energy that literally energizes you. Despite it being one of our hardest workouts during the week, everyone walks away feeling uplifted. 

There are so many more things I could touch on but those are today’s highlights. I figured a good thing shared is twice as good 😊 

Multitasking

 A friend of mine was sitting at a basketball game with me the other week and asked how I juggle everything lately. I told her straight up that I don’t really, it just looks like I do. She said “yeah, I usually say people who multitask get a solid B+ in everything.”  I loved that and it rang true to me. 

We are all so busy trying to get so many things done on so many platforms we basically fall short in all of them. Lately I’ve felt this a lot. It made me think about what we are trying to accomplish and what we’re modeling to our kids. 

I think most people expect their children to figure out this balance, the dance of being part of as much as possible while still getting every box checked off. It looks different in every house but it often looks something like school, extracurricular activities or after school activities, maybe throw in some sports outside of school leagues, volunteer projects, play dates, homework … just keep throwing more in the mix.

I’m sure we’ve talked about over programming kids before and letting kids just be kids - my focus today is more about the message we are giving when there’s a constant need to fill their time, juggle more than they can probably handle, and how well they can do on any given item. 

Perhaps we need to take a step back and simplify - instead of such full schedules - allow them to focus on the main event (likely school for most kids) and choose one additional outlet where they can focus their attention and truly shine. I’m not suggesting doing away with every add-on - but simplicity is key to focus. 

In these last few weeks of cold winter (that’s a prayer more than a weather prediction) - it’s a good time to think about simplifying spring. Yes, it will be warm which means they will be able to be out more - but maybe that outside time should be filled with less structure and more freedom and allow them the opportunity to focus on their one extra so they can manage the A+ in it instead of the B’s in everything. 

It’s the small things…and the big ones too

My birthday just passed and I heard a similar thing from a few people - about what a milestone year it was - I became a grandmother and ran my first marathon. It’s true, both huge things that were life altering. It got me thinking about what truly defines a year or a time period…or our lives. Is it the big things or the small ones? Everyone says it’s the small things in life that count most. I think I might buck conventional wisdom on this one and say I think it truly is both. And maybe the small and the big aren’t as different as we think. And at some point in this post you’ll see how I find this connects to being a parent…

The little things in life make up the everyday. They are crucial. They set the tone and the overall feeling for how our life is. How our house feels. Do we have a relaxing environment to nurture our kids ? Is our life generally a stress free zone where people can enjoy and accomplish. That note you wrote someone just because you wanted to make them smile. The pictures you draw on your kids lunches so they’ll know you’re thinking about them when they’re in school all day. The small things stack up to make a big difference. 

But the big things matter.  And sometimes I think they matter more than we realize. If your life is one that includes many big trips this might not apply to you - but if you’re like us and going on a trip is a big adventure then you might find a family trip is one of those big things. We went to Iceland two years ago as a family. It was the first time we all flew together. My kids can pretty much recall every nuance of that trip. How it felt to experience each piece of it. I can still close my eyes and hear the wind on the coast and smell the sulfur. And it wasn’t just experiencing frozen waterfalls and amazing ice caves that they remember. I think they’re equally fond of telling you how they walked barefoot on ice to get to the backyard hot tub and just hang out. Those memories were made from something big. Stepping out of the ordinary brings out a different side of us. We can walk away from the everyday practicalities of our lives and just be.  Those moments are important.

Becoming a grandmother was another big thing. When it happens it seems to have come on so fast - they were literally your baby just a second ago.  It’s really a lifetime of your child rearing coming to a crescendo.  Every up and down you had with that child, every struggle and triumph. Every sleepless night, diaper you changed, the hours you sat and did homework, the big and the small - all helped shape your child into the person they have become and the life they’ve chosen to live.  Their introduction into parenthood and their approach is all part of that.  The amazing human being they are and the new life that joined your family - all pieces of that.  

And then there is working towards a big goal. For me this past year, it was my marathon. It took a lot of small goals and worked into bigger and bigger ones until I finally was able to tackle the biggest of all. But for me, that wasn’t where that journey ends. It wasn’t about checking a box off and moving on.  It was also about getting there and then saying what’s next here that I can do? And deciding to keep running and loving the everyday part of it. About combining the big and the small together.

Not all big things are one off grand adventures. Just think about when you were dating and decided to get married. Everyone prepares and prepares for that big day - and that day is important and exciting and can be amazing. But the real amazing is what comes next - the life you live together. The everyday you will then spend for years and years. 

So back to being parents in this world of big and small - I feel like sometimes we focus on the big things a lot (currently bar mitzva planning and it definitely gets the lions share of attention) and we forget the small things but other times, we get caught up in the small everyday and forget to make time for those big things. Now, when everyone is either on break or about to have break, is a good time to reassess that balance. Enjoy the big things when you get the chance, keep chugging away at both the big and small - and hopefully you’ll reap the rewards of both types to be able to look back on every year and really feel it was a milestone for you and your family. 

If this was 43, I’m really curious what 44 has in store!

Bullying - Old story, new tactics

 They used to say "Punch a bully in the nose" when advising kids how to deal with bullies.  I'm thinking that should probably be revised for the current day and age.  We have talked in a previous post about realizing your child is bullying other kids, but we haven't yet discussed what to do if you own child is being bullied.  This topic is complicated and certainly doesn't have a one-button answer but I will attempt a beginning in this post.

Before we even begin the how to section - we must acknowledge that bullying has taken on many new faces with the metamorphosis of the internet.  It is easier than ever to bully someone when you’re not face to face, at times with the guise of anonymity, making it an ever more difficult issue to tackle. Our conversation is going to begin with an “in person” bully and hoping we can do a part II of online bullying.

Know Thy Enemy…It’s important to understand what creates a bully. Bullies are usually kids who have self confidence issues.  Bullying others let’s them focus on the perceived shortcomings of their victim instead of focusing and understanding their own feelings.  It is the classic make someone smaller in order to feel bigger scenario.

When a child is being bullied, it is so easy for them to feel like the victim.  The more we empower our kids, the more likely it will be that they can overcome a bullying situation.  

One key element we can give our children when it comes to any situation is the language to address it.  If they can define it, it becomes something more manageable.  Identifying that they are being bullied, letting them share their feelings about the situation and expressing how the behavior makes them feel can empower them.  Make sure not to disregard what they are saying or disparage them when they are sharing. Children need to feel heard and understood. 

Once they have shared, I think it helps to teach them the underlying issues that cause a child to bully them.  If they see the situation for what it is, the other child being weak instead of strong, it helps reframe their understanding of the other child.  I’m not asking you to have your kid pity their bully, but it is truly empowering to let them know that the other child is likely jealous of their strengths and so seeks to diminish them in the eyes of others.

Psychology Today wrote a very practical article with 7 skills  to help a child deal with a bully.  (7 Skills for Teaching Your Child to Stand Up to Bullies | Psychology Today) These include keeping eye contact, reacting quickly so the bully doesn’t have extended power over you, using assertive language and voice and other practical steps. 

There are several important tools to give your child when dealing with a bully:

- Deescalation: it is always easy to stoop to the level of an aggressor  and be mean or physical back but it doesn’t stop a bully. If anything, it encourages them. The best tactic is to walk away. If that isn’t possible, deescalate. Don’t respond to their taunts. Leave situations where they are being aggressive. The less opportunity they have, the less power they have. If your child is very self confident (going into the situation), encourage them to smile back and be polite.  Nothing makes an angry person more irritated than kindness. 

- Be assertive not aggressive: it is good and reasonable to stand up for yourself in a bullying situation.  It is not ok to yell back - it actually makes you look and seem weak to the bully. The best tactic is to learn to respond respectfully but assertively. Examples of this could be  “I don’t like being spoken to in that tone.” “Don’t come into my personal space and intimidate me, I’m not scared of you no matter how close you come.”

- Stay away: If the bully is physical, avoid close contact. Involve an adult as soon as possible. The longer a bully is allowed to behave poorly, the stronger and bolder they tend to get.

- Stick together: having friends around you when near a bully makes it much harder for them to try and taunt or bother you.  Hopefully your friends can stick up for you as well and tell the bully their behavior isn’t cool or acceptable. 

- Involve the School - no matter if the bullying is done on school grounds or off, make sure the school administration is aware of the issue. School is a place that should feel safe for all children and having a bully in your midst does not make kids feel safe.  If needed, ask for more adult coverage during break times. These are prime times for bullies to strike. 

The bottom line is that bullying is a crime of opportunity much of the time. If kids learn to stick together, stand up for each other and know their own strengths, we can help them stand up to bullies and overcome the long term effects of having been bullied. They can’t and shouldn’t have to face it alone.