Strength

This week is international women’s day. Many people have been discussing strong women. Lauding them. Strong women create strong families.  “A woman of valor.”  And it begged the question - do you think being strong is something inherent or something we can teach?

That’s a question I ask myself often. I’ve worked hard the past several years on my personal strength - internal and external. I believe they go hand in hand. If I feel strong and powerful in my physical self, it helps build my mental strength. Using mental strength I can endure more physically. They are intricately linked. It’s amazing the way our minds work. I can convince myself to keep going on a hard run by using these kinds of mind games. I can be at the end of my physical endurance and somehow convince myself to do just a bit more - and somehow I find myself finishing a half marathon spontaneously. 

I hope that strength can be taught. Likely more modeled than taught. 

In order to know what strong means - I thought I’d define some aspects of what I see as strength  I would love comments on what you see as strength as well.

Strength is...

-understanding what you’re good at 

-emotional honesty - without embarrassment and not seeing it as weakness 

-willingness to take reasonable risks 

-speaking your mind and opinions unapologetically-  not rude or brash but honest 

-pushing limits - both physically and emotionally 

-being able to feel pain without being consumed by it 

-being able to recover - from whatever comes your way 

When it came to naming my youngest daughter, it was my turn to choose. I wanted to imbue in her a sense of becoming a strong woman. I named her after a woman in the Bible who was a warrior, Yael, who killed the general Sisra in one of Israel’s wars. And I made her a mantra I remind her of often when she’s scared - that she is brave and strong like the woman she was named for. I believe, in time, she will internalize that lesson. 

Kids see how we live. They absorb everything from our mannerisms to our reactions. They see our confidence. They feel our power. Give your kids the gift of your strength. 

Take Five

We’ve discussed taking a few minutes or even just a few breaths before responding to any given situation with our kids  (see the Recent post about knee jerk reactions). I was recently having a discussion with a friend about this and how it would serve our kids so well  if we impart that skill to them. I figured it was worth a post of its own. 

These days I feel like parents are much more involved in their children’s day to day struggles. The entire approach of our generation tends to a much more hands on, into the nitty gritty type of parenting. There are so many benefits to this - we are more approachable and relatable, our kids benefit from the day to day involvement in numerous ways. But there are drawbacks as well. Some parents tend to become over involved - solving all of the kids problems for them in our attempt to give them a more perfect view of the world. 

Sometimes we forget that they’re going to be out there on their own and need the skills to solve their own problems. I’ve seen more than my share of overwhelmed kids who don’t know where to start when faced with their own adversity - whether in school, with friends or elsewhere. 

Obviously we can’t solve this issue in one post - but teaching them an essential first step can get us on the road to helping. 

Take five. 

Any problem - big or small - can be solved. But the more overwhelmed we feel, the less likely we are to find the optimal solution. The importance of taking a few minutes to compose ourself, calm down and think of a good approach cannot be overstated. Waiting and taking a breath shouldn’t only apply to anger. It helps in most problem solving. 

As with so many things, we can model this for our kids when we are overwhelmed. Coming into the house with kids from school and groceries and dinner to get on the table after a long day - show them you take a few minutes, settle yourself and figure out the best way to approach the evening. Once they see us doing it, they’ll likely do it for themselves when needed. It’s the type of thing which is easy to give a nudge in the right direction. 

My youngest sometimes gets overwhelmed by situations and starts to cry and honestly can’t identify what is upsetting her. We’ve started to just ask her if she’d like a few minutes to sit and compose herself. The endless talking and discussion with an overwrought child will not likely resolve their issue. A few quiet minutes will. 

I hope giving them this essential first step to problem solving will jumpstart kids to become self reliant. 

Vulnerability

 I was running in this slushy winter mix this morning and trying to distract myself from how soggy my feet were getting. I was listening to a podcast by Brene Brown as she interviewed Melinda Gates. It was fascinating. I try to get one or two takeaways from the things I listen to - and today I was not disappointed. She talked about how we “learn and unlearn and relearn” which I thought so adequately captured the way ones approach in life should be. What else can a growing, evolving person want other than to keep changing and processing and tweaking our approach in life. 

She also touched on something that put into words something I’ve felt for a while. Melinda Gates explained how when she first worked at Microsoft there was a guys culture and she didn’t like the person she saw herself becoming. She knew how to keep up with the guys but didn’t want to. She was going to quit two years in when she decided, in a last ditch attempt, to just be herself. She found that when she did that, people respected her. Her teams listened and worked better together. And she liked herself better. She explained that real success comes when we put ourselves on the line and become vulnerable to failure. 

When kids are young I don’t know how this applies. But as teenagers and young adults, it spoke deeply to me. Showing your teenager your vulnerability with their struggle takes a lot of courage. We are nervous about being perceived as weak. We want our children to think we always know what to do and how to do it. Showing them we are scared can be downright terrifying. But it also shows them strength. It can touch the depths of their heart and open them up. If we can never be scared or wrong, how can they show fear or admit mistakes?

There is a huge difference between sharing a fear you have and making it their fear.  A fine line between sharing and guilting.  If you take this approach, it must come from deep inside and with no strings attached. 

I honestly have the perfect example for this one but out of respect for my kids privacy I can’t share it. I challenge you to think of times in your children’s lives and struggles where showing them your own vulnerability could reach them. When all else fails, when you’ve tried every approach to an issue and have gotten nowhere - try being vulnerable and honest and see how it goes.

Just Believe

Recently I’ve been helping a new mom through sleep training - I instantly loved this woman when she called me a guru (when my kids were little and I was so rigid about their sleeping because I couldn’t function without my sleep, guru was not the first word that came to mind when people talked about my approach 😂).  We’ve been going through the ups and downs of how to get a baby into a new habit. It’s fun and refreshing and brings back so many memories. I completely remember that feeling of sleepless nights and wondering if it would ever end. And somehow, it did. And I survived. And I did it again (and again and again). I gained confidence with each one. By the last two kids I enjoyed that time - the quiet of night when it was just me and the baby and no one else to pay attention to. But without the experience of the last few to remind me that tunnel had a shining light at the end I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy it. 

You’re probably wondering if my walk down memory lane has a point - and it does. So much of our learned and shared human experience is based on living through things. We gain confidence each time we successfully navigate a situation. What struck me when thinking about this was that if we’d somehow just believe in ourselves and our abilities to begin with - how incredible that would be for how we approach situations. 

As a parent you are dealing with new things on a daily basis. Some are small and seem inconsequential, some are huge mountains to climb. No one knows the magic formula to succeed. None of us know if our approach to any particular thing will work. We’re all new to so much on a regular basis. Just when you think you’ve got it, life throws you another curveball and you have to react. Just as you’ve mastered diapers and toddlers, you’re toilet training. You think you’ve scored a home run as your child walks down the aisle at their graduation and then you’re figuring out the next stage. You’re an ever evolving parent - bending and relearning. 

Beneath it all - if you can believe in yourself, trust yourself - then you can navigate all the new situations as they arise. You don’t have to have all the answers, it’s ok to self doubt, to stop and rethink and reroute. But if you can believe you have got this then I believe your children will believe it too. Even without the answers, the approach, the details - you do have this. They feel that confidence and they breed off it. When they feel you self-doubting then they doubt you as well. Sometimes, we put it on as a show until the real plan and confidence formulates. But it all starts with believing in yourself. Babies feel it, they inherently know when you trust yourself and then they react to that confidence. Teenagers, ever ready to pounce on weakness, sense it. It’s amazing what this small but crucial feeling will do to you as a person and as a parent. 

Just believe!

What We Don’t Know

 What we don’t know could fill a book, right?

A while ago I posed a question about trying to see other people’s parenting motives from a different perspective. I asked my readers how they see this issue - where you see a parent acting a certain way and you just jump to judge if they’re handling a situation properly. 

I never did get to publish those answers - I might have mentioned some in a different post. At this point there are too many posts for me to scroll through and see so if this is a repeat, forgive me. Some things are kind of worth repeating anyways. 

The best answer I got on this question was from my sister. She said everyone loves their children. If you can remind yourself of that, you’ll never jump too fast to judge them. Clearly whatever choices they’re making they feel they are best for their children. They might be making the wrong choices but usually it’s at least for the right reasons.

I had a thought to add to that amazing answer. We have no clue what battles are being waged in anyone’s lives. Everything can seem so calm and “instaperfect” from the outside but that tells us nothing of what is actually happening in those lives. Everyone has their struggles and every parent at any given moment is dealing with myriad issues in their own and their children’s lives we most likely know nothing about. We have discussed normalization of mental health issues in the past but as a society we are so far from being there. People aren’t necessarily going to explain to you the why of what they’re doing with their kids. And frankly they shouldn’t have to - it’s their own business. 

I feel like it’s a good thing to remember this in our everyday lives. Instead of seeking to judge or criticize others parenting - let’s seek to empathize with them. Whether or not we understand what they’re dealing with - we all know raising kids is never simple. Let’s be partners, teammates, a support system of parents instead of the peanut gallery. 

New Year - Moving Forward

 If you’d ask most people, I think they’d say 2020 was a bust. I don’t agree but I can see their point. When 2020 began, I wrote a post about my hope for the year - of it being one of Vision.  I believe in many ways it was - perhaps it taught us more about clarity and priorities than we ever imagined possible. 

This weekend, 2021 began. I heard a fantastic clip from a speech given by Stacey Abrams this morning which very much resonated with me. She said she moves forward because moving backwards isn’t an option and standing still isn’t enough. 2020 has taught us lessons. It has tested us. It has forced us to adjust. Prioritize. Rethink. But the time has come to move forward. We are ready for the new normal. We are ready for 2021.  Two things struck me that I wanted to share.

First, as we’ve discussed in the past, creating the new normal - the post corona world - is a unique opportunity.  I don’t believe we need to go back to what was. We can choose what things we’d like to bring back into our lives and what things we’ve been better off without. What a unique opportunity.

Second, often in life we dwell. Things happen and pull us down. Life happens. Unexpected circumstances arise. Our job as parents (and people) is to keep moving forward. Take the next step. Show our children that we don’t live in that past or hold onto that reality. We can move forward with hope and energy. Yes, this past year was tiring and trying. No, the pandemic is not yet history. But we are able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The vaccine is slowly making its way to us. The next steps will take patience but change is always a slow process. 

I wish everyone a safe year, filled with happiness and good health. A year full of hope and new and better normals.

Changing the Narrative

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, right? Too cliche I admit. 

This past week, one of my children’s teachers tested positive for corona. To put this in context - winter break was starting in two days and everyone found out the kids would need to be quarantined for most of winter break. Out the window went any plans (lucky us we had made none) and the kids were slightly bummed, to put it mildly. 

I really wanted to be sympathetic- and I am - but I also wanted to change the conversation.  This is disappointing, no doubt. Everyone needs a break - especially during corona. And even if that break wasn’t taking the shape of a new place to see or relax in, just getting out and getting some nature time in sounded like a really nice change of pace. But still, this is a blip, an inconvenience, and I felt like as the parent I could help my child dwell or totally change the spin on this. 

So here’s what we did - we took the focus off of us and our quarantine and shifted it to kids who had to be shut in for other reasons - kids stuck in hospitals over the holidays and break time. Kids who might be bored and need their minds taken off their illness. I suggested to the other moms we do a group activity where we make activity boxes for kids at the children’s hospital nearby. Once I suggested it - it was amazing how everyone jumped on board. Offers of funds and help literally flowed in. We bought a bunch of toys and boxes and my child set up a Zoom meeting for later in the week to assemble and decorate their boxes and make cards. I’m really excited how he got into it - really took it on full speed. We contacted the volunteer services at the hospital and set up a drop off time.The wheels are spinning and I’m hoping it turns out well. 

And it reminded me how much we set the stage for how our kids approach situations.  It’s so easy to be negative - it’s almost a natural state of affairs. It’s too easy to set the tone without even realizing it.

 After we started this, I heard almost nothing about how bummed he is to be stuck in. He’s been playing games with his little sister, reading, and overall just having fun. True staycation. We went on a night drive to see the city all decked out in lights. He’s thinking outside the box. In this case, maybe he’s thinking about the boxes. Ok, start and end with corny...

Happy staycation!

Can they teach us?

 My daughter was zooming last week so I had the chance to overhear what was going on in her classes, always a nice bonus. One teacher posed a question to this group of 7 year olds: “what is tech?”  One child’s answer had me in stitches. Tech, she explained, is stuff you use to make life better AND stuff that sometimes makes teachers very mad when they can’t figure it out.”  Say it like it is, sister. 

Kids speak truth. Sometimes their truth is a different version than the reality we perceive - but they always speak the truth. Some people have a really difficult time hearing that truth from their children. It can be perceived as chutzpah. It can touch a nerve and leave us feeling vulnerable. It can make you feel powerless and ineffective. It’s hard to listen to criticism from anyone, let alone our own children. 

This might sound crazy - but I firmly believe our children are some of our best teachers.  They experience the choices we make. They feel our angst. They see us for the people we are - with all our faults. They can actually make us better parents. 

I’m not advocating for kids to become their parents parent. I’m not in any way saying they don’t have to be respectful and find a way to share this truth. Like anything, I believe there’s a time and place and way for them to share. But I think it’s most important for us to listen to the messages they are giving us. 

Some of their critiques are a product of their age and stage and their perspective will shift as time goes on. But if they say something that strikes a chord - it hits home because we know it to be a weakness - I think we would do ourselves and them a favor to heed the messages.

When your child is little and catches you using a bad word - they call you out on it. Whatever  the procedure is - soaped mouths or penny in jars - follow it.  Showing you slip up but can be held accountable is a more valuable lesson than showing them you’re “perfect” all the time. 

When they’re older and the truths get more difficult - they get upset because you directed your frustration at them when it clearly was not about them. When you hear them telling you that you’re absent while present (something far too many of us suffer from with all this tech in our lives), listen. Take it to heart.

Years ago I recall hearing a speaker discuss how much he had to learn from his kids to become the parent and person he was at that point - and how painful the process was.  Change is hard but crucial. Listen to their truths, own up to the issues that are valid. Make the moments teachable and hopefully we’ll all grow as we go.

Reflections

Today is the last day of Chanukah- the Festival of Lights. For me personally this holiday has always been one of extremes. My second daughter was born on the fifth night of Chanukah, 21 years ago. The ultimate gift. And, just two years later, my father passed away suddenly the second night of Chanukah. It took me many years to recover from the shock of losing a parent so suddenly and I being so young. It took even longer for me to rediscover the joy in this holiday. 

So today, instead of touching on a parenting topic, I mostly want to reflect on some aspects of my parent, my father, who was such a huge part of my life and has shaped my perspectives. 

One thing I have realized over the years is that the father I experienced, as child #6, was very different than my older siblings. By the time I came around - whatever discipline there had been kind of fizzled out and my father was completely indulgent of me and my sister right above me. We had my mom to discipline us, of course, but my father was all spoils. I kind of see that happening with my youngest two - you just mellow as you age.  I think it’s ok and you discipline when needed but mostly the things that seemed so critical to correct in your older kids seem like passing phases in the younger ones.

My father taught me about giving. He was a true community leader. In his quiet way, he effectuated so much change in our world. He spent countless nights participating in board meetings, serving as our school president for over a dozen years. This was not an easy job. There were always many opposing opinions about how things should be done. In a communal role such as his, you had to be extremely diplomatic. It was easy for tempers to rise and people to get personal. One thing he always seemed to do was calm the waters. He never seemed bothered by people’s apparent aggression- at least from my perspective. He set quite an example for me of being able to separate between the person and the issue. To him it wasn’t personal. This kind of reminds me of something my sister told me recently about parenting. We often see parents doing something and immediately judge them or their parenting - but she reminded me that every parent loves their child. If they are doing something which seems counterproductive- it’s at the very least coming from a good place. A good thing to remember.

My Dad wasn’t a man of many words in general - most people thought of him as quiet.  I believe if you’d met him in a courtroom you’d have a very different perspective on him. That’s another thing I admired and learned from my Dad. There’s a place and a time for everything. Some situations warrant a lot of passion and aggression. Others are much more mellow. To know how to be comfortable in both is a feat. 

Accepting a loss is a difficult thing. Time helps concretize it in your mind. I don’t believe we can or should prepare our kids for a time when we aren’t there. Maybe once they’re adults that’s a discussion we can have, but as kids I believe it’s a no-go topic. Let them believe we’re concrete and steady and will always be there for them. Life will teach them the lessons of passing later on. I don’t think I could ever have been prepared to lose my father that young. I was at the beginning of my life journey. I had 3 small kids and a busy life and I needed my Dad to be part of that journey. But it wasn’t meant to be. Clearly I needed something different than what I expected. But no matter whether he’s here with me or watching over - the lessons I learned from him live on day after day. 

So as we wrap up another Chanukah season, I take a step back. I look at my Chanukah baby, now a wife herself - and I pray I’ll be there for her for many years to come. I remember all that was light about my father - and all the light that keeps shining through from what he started and created. And I remember all the light that shines through the darkness. I pause, try to absorb it and take it with me, until the next holiday comes to light up our world. 

Seeing the Miracles

 Life is busy. Complex. Scattered. Sometimes it’s hard to take a pause, see things from a different perspective. 

One of the reasons I started writing this blog was to rethink things, or think them through more, crystallize. See the bigger picture. As parents we get very involved in the minutiae. This was a way to help me see beyond it. 

We’re about to celebrate the holiday of Chanukah in our house. It’s a time where amazing miracles happened - but when you look at the story as it happened - a lot of those miracles took time to see. When they lit the oil they’d found, they didn’t realize it would burn for eight days. Only after it kept going did they realize what had happened. 

It reminds me a lot of parenting. We see changes in how our kids act and react, see the seeds planted - but sometimes it takes a long time to see the results. That doesn’t make those gains any less miraculous. 

One thing I want to try this Chanukah is to notice the miracles. There are miracles everywhere - waking up each day and all the systems in our bodies working correctly and letting us wake up is a miracle in and of itself. Our kids accomplish great things every day. I want to take notice. Appreciate the gains. Make them realize we see them. 

If everyone made an effort this Chanukah to see beyond the minutiae and to the bigger picture, our families will truly have gained something miraculous this holiday. 

Knee Jerk Reactions

 “When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred." - Thomas Jefferson 

I have a short thought to share today but I believe an important one. 

How often do you react instinctively to something and realize, as the words leave your mouth, that had you taken one deep breath before saying something or counted to three your response would have been very different. 

I’ve noticed this all around in life but especially with our kids (and spouses). Kids can be annoying at times and bring out the best of our knee jerk reactions - but how easy would it be to force ourselves to wait - breathe - and respond ten seconds later to whatever the situation might be? How different would our response look if we did this?

Picture the kid who is up too late and ignored bedtime - instead of a “what are you doing up?” In a snappy tone, a calm “wow I’m surprised to see you here but I always love seeing you. Now go to bed” - how different would that feel on the receiving end? 

Imagine your child is completely rude and going off on a raging tantrum about how awful you are - and instead of snapping back you breathe, tell them you love them and move on? 

It’s amazing how these reactions can diffuse even the most challenging situations. 

Breathe. Count to ten. Do your thing to give yourself the moment you need to collect yourself and respond as your best self. Leave the knee jerking to those reflex tests at the doctor!

Academic Pressure

 I’m sure we’ve discussed this before in some fashion but some topics are worth revisiting. And school pressure is definitely one of those topics. 

Tonight I had parent teacher conferences over Zoom - quite a unique experience. I actually dread conferences every year. Rushing from room to room, division to division, like some sort of marathon sprint around the school with 5 minute intervals to hear something about your child’s experience. For the stronger students I’ve had - it worked. Two minutes to hear how my kid is doing great and next. For the less than motivated of my children - never enough time to tackle the issues. And, side note, if my kid is having issues - we should’ve talked before November! So perhaps I prefer Zoom - at least it saved me from sprinting. I prefer to do that on the track  

But the point of this post isn’t actually to compare in person to Zoom conferences - what I really wanted to discuss was academic pressure. More specifically, how healthy is it for parents to put academic pressure on their children. 

I think it’s natural and even healthy to set standards for our children, goals to achieve. Everyone, whether you’re a parent who cares about grades or not, wants to see their children educated and engaged with their education.  I think the question really is - how much academic pressure should we put on our children ? Is it healthy or even useful to pressure them to achieve certain grades? Should we focus on output or input? Do we care about effort or results?

If your child is self motivated - it’s easy to set certain bars for them. They are strong students and you expect them to get certain grades. Sometimes, the very knowledge of these expectations puts undue pressure on kids who already feel they must perform. That is one side of the coin. 

Flip to the non motivated child. They don’t push themselves and don’t seem to be engaged with their studies. Setting certain standards for them, attempting to light a fire under them - will adding this parental academic pressure ignite them or burn them?

I’ve struggled with this question a lot over the years - having both types of students in my own children I’ve wondered what the right approach to academics could be. 

Like most areas of parenting - these are very individualized questions and the approaches vary depending on your child but one overarching concept has clarified itself to me over time and two teachers I met with tonight really struck chords with me on this idea. 

The work of growing up is a lot harder than many of us remember. Like most things in life, the more time passes, the less we recall some of the challenges. The more rosey parts stand out. I was listening to Charlie Harari’s podcast recently and he said something like ‘remember your natural mode is survival, greatness is override.’  I think when we’re dealing with our kids and academics this is crucial. They are mostly in that survival mode. There are so many pressures on them to navigate - social, emotional, you name it. Adding our pressure rarely has the desired effect. If they’re already internally pressured, the last thing they need is more. If they lack any kind of self-motivation- rarely will our pushing help them develop that. What they need from us is someone who believes in them. Who encourages them. Who can see beyond the anxious or ‘lazy’ or unmotivated or whatever your fill in the blank is to realize the potential they have. Everyone needs a cheerleader in life - choose to be theirs. Emphasize effort, not end results.  Better output naturally follows better effort.

My daughter is studying in her Israel gap year - the same child who never engaged with her education in high school is sending me her notes from classes she enjoyed and can’t have me read them fast enough because she wants to discuss the ideas with me. I don’t think when I had conferences with her teachers in any grade I could’ve imagined this type of student. Be patient and eventually it happens. No amount of coaxing on my part could have done what time and maturity and the right type of teachers is doing to her view on learning.

Tonight I discussed my view of this approach with two of the teachers and a rare thing happened - both agreed with me on my approach to being hands off and letting my kid push themselves when they’re ready. It was an amazing breath of fresh air. Quite the difference from the ones who shake their heads and tell me how much more capable my child is - as if I don’t know.

Don’t get me wrong - I have the same post conferences  conversation with the less motivated of my kids every time - it basically sounds like this - they realize you’re smart and don’t give it your all - when you’re ready to wow them we’re  all ready.  He laughs and keeps moving. But I know and he knows that one day we’ll all be wowed - and when he’s ready watch our world. 

Compliance Fatigue

 Before starting to write this post, I googled the phrase "Compliance Fatigue" to see if it was a real thing.  Turns out it is, but it isn't exactly what I was thinking of when I coined the phrase in my mind.  According to Google (my best source of information), Compliance Fatigue is "“a state of chronic fatigue induced by having to constantly maintain compliance with the ever-increasing variety of rules, regulations and processes created by middle management bureaucrats in both public and private organizations.”

So it is sort of what I wanted to write about - but my definition strays from the typical I guess.

Anyone who has lived through this pandemic will probably relate to what I like to think of as compliance fatigue. Put very simply, we are tired of keeping the rules.  Even though most people understand that the pandemic hasn't changed, they are sick and tired of living with so many restrictions.  As the epicenter moves temporarily out of their state, they feel they've been good for long enough and simply don't need to be as careful anymore.

Lest you think this post is going to be about how we need to stay vigilant -that's not where I was going with this. 

It got me thinking about our kids - and how on point this is with what I've seen over and over in parenting.  

Take, for example, the kid who is almost always keeping the rules, does fairly well in school, seems easy going and appears to be totally coping.  Then one day - mega meltdown.  It can range from a temporary phase of rebellion to a calm, well adjusted child having suicidal thoughts.  And anywhere in between.  Most parents are caught totally off guard.  They can't imagine when this happened, what happened, why this happened. 

Or the kid who has been working so hard on a specific area - they've put all of their efforts into improving the issue.  They seem motivated, invested - and then one day they just give it up. 

Why do kids do this? I believe they have compliance fatigue.  They simply get tired of being good all the time, trying so hard.  Rationally, they understand that life takes work - but they are tired of putting the work in.

Recently we've been discussing mental health issues in teens.  I believe you see this very often with teens who struggle.  A child is battling an eating disorder or working through a depression.  They see progress, they want to achieve their goals and be past the issue at hand - but at some point, they slip or give up.  They tire of the process.  

It is simple - it is too hard to be good all the time.  It is too hard to work at something only to find out you need to work longer and harder.  

My version of "Compliance Fatigue" is real.  And it is really hard to combat. 

So now that we can define it, what do we do about it?

When my oldest daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor, I felt like I was hit by a truck. I remember going through all the motions, trying to digest all the information, wrapping my brain around it.  I was holding it together through surgery and the ICU and the works.  I thought I was coping until they introduced me to her central line (a surgically implanted IV, basically, to give her treatments through).  I had a complete meltdown.  Compliance fatigue to the max.  I was like - no way, I can't deal with that.  It took several nurses reading me the riot act to realize that compliance was not a choice on this one.  No matter how squeamish I was, there was no getting around this.  I had pretty much no choice but to learn to comply.  

And that's kind of what we need to help our children learn.  

Life is, in many ways, an uphill battle.  Struggles don't just disappear because you acknowledge and work on them.  So here are some suggestions to help you through parenting during compliance fatigue.  These won't cure it, but they might help you pass through the phase and help your child get re-energized to want to start again, try harder or keep going.

First, give them time to process.  It is human to have this happen - they need time to settle, realize what is happening, and be ready to address the issues.

Second, don't let them feel like a failure.  A slip, big or small, a meltdown - any of it - is not a failure.  It is being human.  Stress this.  Share your stories of failure, stalling, progress blocks - let them see that we all have this.  

Third, love them harder.  I know this is probably the hardest thing to do - when you have a raging child, all you want is to knock some sense into them.  It just doesn't always help.  And its not always rational.  Remind them you love them, stand by them even when they're raging and mad and blaming you - what they need more than anything is to know that you're not going anywhere despite whether they succeed or fail.  You are their rock.

Last, but not least, help them make a plan to go forward and make more progress.  Concrete steps can help them realize that this isn't as big or overwhelming as it seems.  

We'll all get through this pandemic, you'll live through your kids teen years, whatever tunnel you are currently in - you'll find the light at the end.  You just sometimes have to be a bit patient and always make sure that light you see isn't an oncoming train.

Friends or foes?

In an ideal world, we are partners with our children’s educators and we work in concert. We consult them with our issues, share our concerns and in general have an overall feeling of satisfaction in our choices. I give a loud and clear shout out to all those types of educators- they are the building blocks of our children’s futures.

Unfortunately, We do not always live in an ideal world. 

When it works, count your lucky stars and all those blessings. Thank those educators for all their work as often as you can.

What worked for one child might not work for the next. And you can’t hopscotch schools every time things aren’t working. Moving your child is always a big deal. Sometimes it’s worth it, sometimes the negatives outweigh the gains. 

So what happens when you can’t find common ground with your educators or administrators? What if you have no choice of where your children should be or are not at a point where you feel it’s socially or educationally beneficial to change?

What I’m about to write will seem heretical to most educators, forgive me. We don’t all have choices when it comes to certain learning environments. We want what’s best for our children overall but we won’t always have all ideal options to choose from. 

I believe that once all partnership opportunities have been exhausted and you find yourself at odds with your child’s educators- you begin to work independently of them.  Your bottom line may not align with theirs.  You need to do what’s best for your child, despite what the school might think is best.  Schools and administrators should care about every child but there are times when their own agenda gets in the way of what’s best for your specific child.

If this happens when your children are young, I’d encourage you to find another educational option.  You have a long road ahead and you would do best not to spend it engaged in small warfare. If switching is not an option, or there are no other acceptable school choices, you need to be very careful how you approach your disagreements.  Being open about it with your young children will make it difficult for them to respect authority.  Keeping your disagreements between the adults will help your child have a feeling of belonging and order in their school life and experience.

But if your child is older and has little school left to go, is deep into their social circles, or maybe is in a post high school program - changing might not be an option. Your child, at this point, is likely aware of the issues. Perhaps they’ve been unfairly targeted at school, an educator has made something personal, or a host of other scenarios I can think of. More likely than not, they’ve brought the issues to your attention and you’ve attempted to remedy them to no avail. 

For this scenario, I’d advise respectful disagreement as an option. They are likely going to have many experiences in their lives where things do not work out ideally. They need to know how to stand up for their position, cope with adversity and avoid confrontation all at the same time. It is ok to disagree with your educational institutions- they are run by humans. If the educators cannot properly handle a situation - if they aren’t doing the teaching - make it a teachable moment!

Remind your dissenting child a few things:

Stay respectful- just because an adult in a position of power is wrong does not give them the right to be rude. 

Avoid argument - if they are not going to change the mind of the person they’re dealing with in how to manage the situation, avoid dealing with them. It will only escalate or frustrate them. 

Do not be manipulated  - like it or not, it’s easy for adults in positions of power to manipulate kids. Reinforce their self respect and teach them to trust their instincts.

Find your own solution- finding their own solutions to Problems, or workarounds in cases where there aren’t solutions - is extremely empowering.  Dwelling on what isn’t working is not going to solve their problems. Helping them find ways to work around the issue or deal with it head on themselves will give them life long skills.

We got your back - remind them they can always be honest with us, to come to us with anything, they won’t be judged. They must know that this adult in their life will ALWAYS have their best interest in mind. No matter the age or stage we will be there.

Always be aware of how your child is faring in any given sItuation. They may seem to be handling the situation but really need your intervention more than they’re willing to admit. And always keep a temperature on the situation as it might change or devolve rapidly. 

As always, good luck - we never want this option, but learning from the tough situations is often some of the best education we can give our kids. 

Election Special Edition

Disclaimer: I aim to keep this blog totally apolitical so I'm not actually discussing the candidates, the issues or anything related to that.  That being said...  

Everyone loves to hate an election.  

The news is non stop.  There are people who love to follow every detail and others who are totally disinterested and just want it over with. But wherever you fall on the spectrum of election interest, you will probably agree that  this year the election is different.  In the midst of a global pandemic, where the anxiety levels are so incredibly high, the issues at the forefront seem more pressing.  The people who used to discuss apocalyptic scenarios and were seen as conspiracy theorists are now mainstream opinions.  The fantastic which seemed like contrived fiction has become reality.

It is easy to panic.

What we don't realize when we talk about these topics at home is how we come across to our children.  Are the discussions we are having causing them additional anxiety? I think its easy to overlook the impact of our outlook, discussions and worries have on our children.

Lets look at things from their perspective.  We are their world.  We shape their views.  We impart either confidence and stability or a total lack thereof.  When we take a positive attitude towards events and situations, they are likely to follow suit. If we see this world as falling apart, they are inevitably going to feel anxious and troubled about what is happening around them.

Now lets look at how their lives have changed during this pandemic.  

If they go to school, their in-school experience has completely changed.  Where there used to be rules about not running in the hallways, there are now rules about their every move.  They are now kept in separate spaces, masked all day, given directions about when and how and where to be at all times.  And that is for the lucky ones who get to go in person.  Many of them spend their school days on Zoom - rarely leaving their houses and trying their best to learn when the conditions are far less than ideal.  I imagine these things are already making their anxiety levels high.  Carefree just doesn't come to mind when you think of our kids these days.  Playdates are carefully orchestrated.  Shopping is complex. Every outing is a maneuver.

If on top of this they are going to worry that the world is falling apart, we are setting them up for some serious issues as they develop.  

For those of you who are feeling panic about who will lead our country and if we will ever overcome the current issues - you are not alone.  But believe me, history has shown over and over that somehow we will get through.  No matter who wins - we are not on the verge of a civil war, we are not on the verge of collapse, we are not going to implode.  At some point, maybe, but not the day the election is won or the day after (and not likely any time soon after that).  Remember that the world goes in waves.  We have ups and downs.  We usually come out on the other side of the tunnel.  Hopefully there will be lessons learned, outlooks readjusted.  Hopefully one day soon we will see the end of this pandemic, the end of racism and bias and hatred.  But no matter what happens, no matter who wins, these things won't be fixed in a day or a month or even a year.  It takes time to fix what is broken.  

But from the perspective of children - they need to see a stable world, they need to see us confident that things are going to be ok.  I advocate making them part of the political process.  My kids always vote with me, its exciting and instructional.  I definitely think we should be talking about the issues at hand, what the parties stand for, what they are passionate about and who they feel is the best option to pick.  Try to remain objective.  Focus on the issues.  Do your best not to make the election solely about moral character or personalities (as hard as that may be).  Remember, from passionate to panic is not such a large leap.  Stay calm and vote on!  

Pity vs Sympathy

 This morning I was running and there was an intense fog. You could barely see 50 feet in front of you. As I progressed thru my run it seemed to be getting worse - til I took off my glasses and realized that the fog had fogged them up as well. Once I got them cleared, it was still foggy but not nearly as bad as I thought. 

Sometimes we see things in our surroundings and we really think they look one way but once we clear up the fogginess on our own perspective, we realize how much clearer they are. 

If you read my last post, you’ll know I’m on a bit of a kick about mental health. I think sometimes this world reminds us that we have to be a part of it, shape it and change it. I was recently talking to a friend and saying how I want to make an impression on this world. I don’t want my life to somehow just be another blip on the radar. And so much of me wonders how I could make any difference- not in the lives of my own family - but in my community, the greater Jewish community, the world.  And somehow I had a bit of an epiphany- if so many of my life experiences have all been tied up in health related issues- and I’m no doctor so I’m not curing cancer - maybe I can work on changing our attitudes towards illness. Physical and mental. And maybe to start that change I have to address one of the biggest barriers we have to it. 

All too often, we pity people going through things. We don’t mean to. We don’t think we are. We don’t realize it. But we do it. 

Think of the looks we give someone when we’re talking about it. Oh, her kid is suffering from an eating disorder. Oh, that poor family their child has cancer. Believe it or not, they’re not so different. And they’re not reasons to pity people. We can sympathize- their pain is hard to live with. Their experience is difficult. But they don’t need or want pity. You pity someone who is living on the streets and homeless. You don’t pity someone who is dealing with a difficult health situation. You sympathize or empathize (depending where you’re coming from). You want them to know you feel for them. 

When my oldest was sick and in treatment, I hated those pitying stares at the grocery story. Despised when people asked how she was while trying to put on a brave face but did a poor job hiding how bad they felt for me  

This attitude comes thru to our kids. They can feel when we pity someone. They see the hushed discussions. They feel the mood. They can see it written all over our faces  

Change it. Discuss things with them without the pity. Check yourself. We all do it. We all need to change it. It’s hard to rearrange your face but it’s essential.

There will always be fog. These things are going to be part of our world and our experience. We need the discussions to be happening. We have such a long way to go to change the way we deal with health issues in our community. But before we can start any of that we have to change this. But we can lift the fog, little by little, and change our approach to the entire topic. 

Please feel free to share your thoughts - you can comment on the post or comment and follow on Instagram @bigpicparents 

Is sharing tattling?

There are many issues which are sensitive and difficult to discuss. I’ve witnessed many hushed conversations where parents are afraid to even discuss certain topics, fearful someone will think their kid is struggling with something. It may be 2020, but Mental health Issues are still very much behind all the progress we’ve made in our world. 

Today’s topic is painful because the ones who suffer most are the ones who suffer in silence. Parents witnessing their children’s pain.  Children hiding their own pain. And friends who are scared and confused by what they are seeing and don’t know where to turn. 

I’m neither a healthcare professional nor a mental health specialist but I’ve lived through and seen enough of this to be a concerned parent who wants to help. Today I can’t address the why of mental health issues. I can’t tackle how to prevent your child from having issues. Or how to take away the pain from those who do. I want to talk about the friends who witness what is happening. 

Kids know a lot more than they admit to. They see their friends. They hear their pain. And most of the time, they are too scared to talk about it. 

Let’s look at it from their point of view. They are a friend. Friends trust each other. Friends keep each other’s secrets. Friends are a listening ear and maybe a word of advice but friends ARE NOT snitches. 

The problem here is that often, the friends are the first line of defense. They notice so much that we do not. They see what goes on at school (a realm we don’t even get a glimpse of for the most part). They are safe and so often share things we will never hear. 

Obviously to put the burden on them to be mental health advisors is unfair and unwise. But often they think they can’t say anything or they’re betraying their friend. So they listen and they try to help. Or they observe but don’t share. They worry but they don’t know what to do with that. 

I’m here to put it out there - give them permission to share. Preempt the worry, the fear of being a snitch. Have this discussion with your child before they are in the situation. Remind them about it regularly. Be casual about it but very open. Straight forward. You are being a good friend when you raise a safety concern with an adult. 

It is hard for a kid to come forward. It is scary. It is also necessary. It saves lives.

There are so many forms of danger that they face which we might not even consider. There are self harming behaviors, some of which become fads in some groups. I have seen teenagers who knew about their friends eating disorders and hid them because they feared for their friendship. Not to even begin on kids with suicidal thoughts. 

Lives will be saved and changed if we all unite and give our children the same message. You never know when your child will need this most. As a friend or from a friend  

There is no room for ambiguity with this message. 

The Path Less Taken

 Today my kids school reopened. We didn’t send our kids in - much against the general sentiment. Now don’t get me wrong - I very much think my kids would benefit from in person learning. It just happens to be that the school chose to open two days after one of the biggest holidays and people were moving and mingling. A lot of schools voluntarily went virtual for two weeks post holiday in order to avoid an outbreak but ours decided against. They have their reasons and I respect their choice. We just decided we didn’t have to agree or take the risk just because they did. 

Why am I sharing this? Everyone is grappling with school and how to and when to open. And honestly I think there are a lot of factors that go into these decisions. What I’m more focused on is the conversations We had leading up to this decision. I feel like we learned something about ourselves, our parenting and our choices in this process. That’s really what I wanted to discuss today. 

As you might imagine - our kids were extremely upset with this decision. Seeing all their friends reunite and not being there is extremely tough. At the same time - we had to do what we felt was prudent. Safe. Smart. Part of me wanted to tell them that their school was making the wrong choice. But that would undermine their trust in the school. 

So we grappled With how to present what we wanted without that tone of mistrust. 

Framing it: when discussing this with our kids, we stressed that many factors go into the schools decision making process. We are not privy to those factors nor can we use them to make our determination. We have to focus on what makes sense for our family and our situation. It’s not always necessary to agree with everyone, you just have to understand you don’t understand them. It’s all about whose shoes you’re standing in...

See it from our perspective: one of my kids kept using the Well know “it’s not fair.”  Instead of my usual tack of  Life’s not fair - I flipped it. Maybe it isn’t fair we’re being put in this situation - did you think of that angle? If the school would’ve made different choices, we wouldn’t have had to make a choice. It would be made for us.  Changing the perspective of the discussion can make them consider it in a different light. 

Delay is not a never: we really discussed how waiting a short amount of time, enough to ensure all the travelers didn’t bring anything unexpected back to our city, is not the end of the world. They’ve zoomed for months, a week or two isn’t going to make or break their school experience. 

More than anything - we stressed that we think about things. We make choices and decisions based on the facts at hand. Like everyone else during this pandemic, we’re just doing the best with the information we have. Risks have to be taken. Life must go on. But with this, as with so many other choices we have in life, we should choose to take them or make those decisions based on our own thought processes and not based on blind faith in institutions, leaders or anyone else. We make our own choices and take ownership of those choices. 

Politics

 I tend to stay far away from the subject of politics- everyone is very sensitive about it and often people feel so strongly about their positions as to make it an incredibly difficult topic. So this post will not be about the actual political issues of our times or take a side or pick a candidate. My intention here is to discuss how we approach politics with our children. 

Anyone who watched the debate last night (or should we call it the debacle?) knows that politics in our day and age has devolved into a game of name calling and attacking and has very little to do with the actual issues at hand and more to do with the people talking. We’ve discussed The art of debate in the past and thought through the way to approach debating with our kids. 

What I’m more concerned with when I think of politics is twofold. I want to make sure my kids understand what is happening in the world of politics and I want them to be able to step back and define what they believe in and who they choose to support.  

To the first point, I think it’s important to discuss what the issues are in our political climate. In broad terms, I think they should be taught how the government works in whatever country they reside in. I don’t think they need a civics lesson at five, but each according to their age should be able to understand some basics. Part of feeling a part of a system is understanding that system. As they get older, their knowledge expands and the details emerge. I’m always sad when a grown adult can’t name the three branches of the American system. Once they understand the basics, they can begin to understand the nuance. What do parties basically stand for - what issues are important to them and key to being in a certain one. As they get older, discussing current events helps them understand the world we live in. I’ve always taken my kids with me when I vote - obviously this year will be different - but I wanted them to take pride in the freedom to choose your own government. And I definitely share my personal political view with them. 

Once they have a general sense of what the system itself is they can begin to Look at the particular players and decide who they like and who they don’t like. I encourage open discussion about the different options. I encourage a discussion based on facts especially. If they choose people because they’re pretty or funny that’s not substance. Try to stick to facts and positions. Let their choices be informed. Challenge them and see if they can come up with substantive reasons for their decisions. One of my kids has very different political views than I do, and we spar and debate - but I always go back to the facts - defend your position with substance. I don’t want to hear that so and so is stupid or funny. I want to hear why you would agree with their approach. 

When it comes to politics - like everything else with our kids - they are the future. If we want to raise leaders, informed voters, responsible citizens - we can set the stage for that when they are young and impressionable. We can choose to make courteous civil discussions and model respectful dialogue so that as they grow up they can be the people at the table who everyone knows can have a level headed, open and honest discussion despite whatever their particular political beliefs. 

Day of Judgement

Yom Kippur is approaching - the day of judgement for the Jewish people. It gets pretty much everyone thinking. There’s tremendous introspection that goes on. We spend time reviewing what’s gone on the past year, what course corrections we need, who we’ve wronged and we try to make amends. 

So before I begin - I’ll apologize if anything I’ve written on this blog has been found offensive to any of my readers.  I’ve tried to bring support and camaraderie in our parenting journey together but inevitably I’m sure there are times I rub wrong Or sound preachy - please know it’s unintentional.

All this judgement discussion gets me thinking about the judgements we constantly make in our own lives, of others, for our kids, in all aspects and how we can improve (or possibly call a halt to) the cycle of judging others. 

In a discussion with a friend of mine a few years ago I made a comment that “I don’t judge people I’m just observing” and she said point blank - “we all judge people.”  If I’m being totally honest I think she’s right. When I sit back and think about it - my first reaction is a judgement and then I go into rationalizing mode. Trying to understand someone else’s approach. 

Lately My kids tell me on the daily that I’m always judging everyone’s corona approach - there will be a discussion about how X went on and we’ll inevitably raise an eyebrow wrong or sound surprised that some thing or another came up. A few weeks ago I met a small child walking and I definitely was judging their parents allowing them to walk solo in the neighborhood- I’ll own it straight up - I was shocked. So how can we stop the judging and bring more acceptance into our lives, our attitudes, our approaches?

This week - I’m opening the floor up to you, my readers, and asking. My next post will feature some amazing advice from parents who respond and give all of us ideas on how to make us less “judgey” and more accepting in our approaches. I welcome any and all suggestions.