Imposter?

I remember when I had just finished college and, after interning at a company during my schooling, they offered me a full time position. I was thrilled and terrified. Supposedly I knew what to do, after all I had just earned my BS in Computer Science, but to tell you the truth I hadn’t a clue what I was doing. Everyone says you really learn what to do on the job - and there I was faced with this feeling like I had no knowledge whatsoever to face this new reality. In truth, I had many of the skills I would need to successfully navigate the workplace, I just didn’t realize it at the time. 

The first time I heard someone refer to the imposter syndrome I felt I could totally relate. Who hasn’t spent some time feeling like a fraud ? As adults we are somehow supposed to know what to do and when to do it and yet many of us are just as lost about how to approach a situation as the people we need to guide. For those who aren’t familiar, imposter syndrome (from a layman’s words here) is feeling like everyone else thinks you know what you’re doing but you don’t actually believe in your competence in the matter. People struggle with this in all ways - ever given a task at work and think you have no idea how to even begin? Dealing with a situation with your spouse or children where you are supposed to have all the answers but you feel like you have absolutely no idea what to do? Just thinking everyone else knows how to handle this and thinks I know how but they’re just gonna walk in one day and realize I’m not qualified.

In truth no matter how much we study, learn, read or otherwise educate ourselves in life - in some ways we are all frauds. No one knows exactly what to do or how to do it. And even in cases where we do know, sometimes all tried and true methods just don’t work because of the human element - we can’t know how someone will react until we try our hand at it. Parenting, and life for that matter, is trial and error. We do what we can, we try our best and we see how it goes. The difference between those of us who feel successful and competent and those who feel like they’re constantly drowning is mostly about the approach and attitude you have to your own skill set. And for many of us, if we’re being honest, our attitude is a combination of confidence and drowning. In short, we all feel like frauds sometimes and that’s actually ok.

The key, I believe, is the front which you present to your kids. If your children see you as insecure, unsure or hesitant the majority of the time - they’ll likely use that to their advantage. They might make you doubt yourself. If you punt to your partner and won’t make decisions the majority of the time, they see you as weak and pliable (think, wait til your father comes home...). Putting on a front doesn’t mean you have to feel it inside - inside you might be scared stiff or beyond the point of confusion - but outwardly you need to appear confident. It’s a balancing act, at times an impossible one, but who said this job would be easy ?

It isn’t realistic to do this all the time - and honestly it’s also not healthy. That’s why I said the majority of the time. It’s ok for your kids to see you vulnerable sometimes. For them to understand the human side of you and know you can grapple with things. I always have more respect for the person who tells me they don’t know the answer to a question or the solution to a particular issue but they will look into it and get back to me. We can do that with our kids sometimes - being confident doesn’t mean being all knowing. It just means being in charge of the situation and being able to provide a level of confidence in being able to get to a solution.

One thing I struggled with significantly as my kids came into their teen years was that balance of taking charge and seeming like I had it covered and being real with them. It’s a dangerous line to tow - on the one hand they want you to be honest and real with them. On the other they want you to be the adult in every situation. Believe me when I tell you it is very easy to step over the line and very hard to straddle it. I made many mistakes in this arena with my first kids and what I’ve learned from those times is that being honest doesn’t have to mean full and complete honesty with your kids. It can mean telling them that you’re struggling with a particular situation, not making them your confidant but allowing them to see that you are a human. And then reassuring them that struggling Doesn’t mean you are not OK, or that you do not know what to do, but that you are assessing the situation and deciding the best course of action. It is possible to be real and a bit of a fraud at the same time.

Everyone spends a lot of time putting on masks in this world. The mask we wear to work, the mask we wear for friends, we all have a variety of masks and we use them for different occasions. Try your best to have someone with whom you never need a mask, where the real you, the vulnerable or confused or (fill in the blank) you is able to be present - but when it comes to your kids, no matter how you feel on the inside, pull out your confident, self assured and powerful mask and wear it well.