How and What

 I’m noticing that parenting goes in phases. As I approach my 45th birthday this month, reflecting on the first half of this decade, I’m noticing a shift. My parenting devolved into chaos fairly quickly in phase 1. Between having 4 kids in under 6 years and a child battling a severe illness for years - I think phase 1 can best be defined by an attempt not to drown in the turbulent waters.  Phase 2 - where those kids began to grow, we transitioned to maintenance and understanding the long term effects of treatment - can best be described by a take control method. I wanted to be in charge of my own life, figure out how to make things work and recover and heal from the trauma of illness. I believe phase 3 began sometime in my 40s where I have begun to see there are so many amazing opportunities for growth and development if I take a back seat, listen and learn. In the spirit of that concept, I’ve been trying to listen, read and absorb as much as possible from any and every person I can to see what I can learn from them. One great find has been Dr Becky, a podcast parenting personality I discovered. I recently listened to something she put out about tweens and their specific issues and how to approach them. It was the type I wanted to stop running and takes notes!

I’ll have to recap some great pointers but the main idea that struck me as so on point was this - we need to teach our children how to think not what to think. 

Pause. Absorb. What a brilliant concept. 

We spend so much time telling our kids do this do that think this think that and we don’t even stop to consider that what we really need to be doing is giving them the tools to figure out what they think. They lack a lot of the life experience and cognitive skills that we have as adults, but they are so capable of absorbing the skills necessary to begin to think in specific ways. The best thing we can do for them is give them those tools without trying to indoctrinate them into thinking the same way we do.

She gave a lot of really good tips about how to talk to your kids about anything. For example, sometimes especially as kids get older it’s hard to sit down and just have a conversation with them because they find a lot of topics awkward. She suggested talking to them while driving in the car because there’s no eye contact. Sitting next to a kid who is doing art and just kind of having a discussion and make it be chill while doing another activity. She discussed open ended conversations where you listen to an issue or recognize a struggle your child is having and instead of giving them an answer - you pose the dilemma back to them in the form of a question (ie: who wins in that situation? Or what’s your next move?). To listen to this episode - Click here - there are so many more good tips. 

As always, remember there are not so many clear rights and wrongs in parenting as there are good processes and wins and learning experiences. Keep in mind you’re a great parent - you’re trying to be there for your kid and love them unconditionally and learn in the process. Every phase has its pros and cons so embrace them and take the wins. 

Nuance

 I was listening to a great podcast about parenting by Arthur Brooks (How to Build a Happy Life) and he touched on a topic that inspired me to write a post. The discussion was about parenting and safety messages that public health officials give out. The interviewee was saying that the messages are very black and white - something like - co-sleeping is dangerous. Parents, who don’t know the risk factors and analysis, hear this and immediately write it off as an option. She said that in an effort not to co-sleep, some parents go to the couch and end up falling asleep holding the baby which is far more dangerous than co-sleeping. 

I have no intention of having a discussion about co-sleeping or any other public health issue for that matter. It made me think about how we, as parents, approach our messaging with our kids. Do we categorically disallow or disavow things? How can we approach topics in a healthy way that allows room for error? 

I especially think about this as it pertains to safety, good decisions and religion. 

I have found Safety a hard topic to approach with teenagers. With their all knowing attitudes and lack of long term thought, I find they often assume some behaviors are safe despite the obvious. It’s important to choose your safety lines carefully and to give them reasonable margins of error. If we were back in the times when seatbelts were optional, I’m sure that would be a topic of discussion.  I wonder how our grandparents and/or parents approached that discussion when they realized how seatbelts saved lives but were definitely not in vogue.

When it comes to religion - there’s so much to talk about it’s impossible in a short paragraph. At a recent wedding we attended in a very religious area, I noticed that the kids there who had “rebelled” were far more notorious than most I had seen locally. Part of me wondered if this was partly due to the lack of nuance in their religious approach. In the neighborhood where we live, there are many levels of observance.  You have the spectrum of ultra religious to modern and I believe it shows kids that there are many ways to observe. If their particular family approach isn’t working for them - they can still see many other variations which allow them to remain observant with more flexibility.

I don’t have a particular feeling of the best way to approach this with your kids - I feel every persons parenting style dictates different types of conversations. My main thought is that we should be leaving loads of room for error - parents can and should make the lines and boundaries clear - but there shouldn’t be a my way or the highway attitude. If kids know they can always discuss and question they’re more likely to take on some reasonable version of whatever the topic is. If the approach is always line in the sand - it leaves little room for growth and experimenting safely. Those lines should probably be left for the high risk safety situations (call when someone drank don’t get in the car, say no to drugs, you get the idea). 

“ Drawing a line in the sand does not work.”

The path to anything that matters in life is never linear. It twists and turns. It seeks solutions rather than charging obstinately into what it does not care to understand.

And if you ever found yourself in a sandpit like the one I described, you know that drawing a line is an invitation for others to cross it. When that happens, everybody loses.

We must learn judgement, and to pick our battles. We must learn how to be flexible, allow ourselves room to manoeuvre, and time to consider.” (quoted from “The 8 Percent”)

Against the odds

 Here we go again...Against the Odds

I like to start a post before the thing happens and come back and finish it.  Always good to see the before and after process.

This coming Sunday, I'm attempting the Marine Corps Marathon.  This training cycle has been quite a different experience than my last.  I decided to make a slightly shorter marathon training plan than I had last year since I felt I "over tapered" - basically I got bored taking it slowly down for 3 weeks so I just cut out some time on the front end and decided I would try a shorter taper.  Unfortunately, that wasn't the only new thing I tried and to make a very long story short - adding a new pair of shoes incorrectly (didn't really know that was a thing but apparently it is) ended up with my shin getting injured and having to stop my training - completely - for over a month.  While all my fellow runners were basking in the weekend long run glory - I was cross training like mad hoping not to lose too much time.  When I was finally given the go ahead to train again, there simply wasn't enough time to really build up.  I started with a hopeful - lets see how this goes - and within two weeks got COVID.  Of all great luck and timing, this was not the finest moment.  Either way, I was pretty sick for a solid four days and on day 5 I woke up feeling somewhat better, got out there and managed a 10 mile run.  It gave me some hope that I was getting back on my feet - but I only had a total of about 14 days til the marathon.  I've slowly regained my energy and I'm gonna make an honest try of it.  We will see how many miles I can get through.  But I have definitely learned from this process, lessons I least expected.  Also, some of my friends have said the wisest things on runs and I will share them here.

"Less is more.  Follow instructions" - some people have an easy time with this.  If you don't naturally enjoy movement or the after feeling, it might be hard to relate to the pushers.  But sometimes doing less or just following instructions makes more sense than just pushing yourself more and more. 

"Never make a decision on a hill" - my friend Kenny told me this early on in this training cycle.  The worst time to bail is when something is seriously challenging.  You have to wait, get through the moment, and then make a rational decision.  This advice has served me many times, not only throughout training and all of these ups and downs, but in my life as well.  Breath, get through, then decide what needs to happen next.

"Toss the preconceived notions" - nothing epic here, just something I had to constantly remind myself.  When I started my cross training because I couldn't run, I kept thinking "I'm a runner, why am I not running." Only once I realized that I'm a mover and shaker, not just a runner, did I open up and embrace the other forms of movement and found a lot of joy in the process.  Instead of thinking I was replacing my running, I thought about augmenting my running and how I want to make time for all of these things once I could run again.

"Attitude is the only thing I can control" - realized on a long run which was actually painful (followed some super bad advice and ran too soon) that the only thing I could truly control was my approach to things.  Clearly, we can't always decide our circumstances but we can choose how to navigate them.

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when you have no control over the outcome” - Brene Brown. In her book, Daring Greatly, she does a deep dive into how to be vulnerable and why it’s so good for us. Being honest about not knowing if I can do something but still giving it my best try and not being embarrassed to fail is something I’m trying hard to embrace.

"You cannot Amazon your way to good health" - my friend Adrienne said this on a run the other day and it struck me as so wise.  In today's day and age, we think if we just buy another gadget or piece of equipment, we will exercise or get into better health habits.  The truth is, you have to consistently get out there and do something if you want to live a healthy life.  It doesn't have to be running, frankly, it should be more than one thing (something I definitely learned from this process of cross training) but you need to do it consistantly.

"Surround yourself with great friends" - throughout my running I have been blessed with so many great friends to run with.  Its been one of the biggest blessings of my last few years and I truly cherish these friendships.  What was amazing for me to see was how they rallied around me during this injury.  One friend took me road biking and opened up new ideas for what I was capable of.  Another took me aquajogging to teach me how to stay in the game while I couldn't be on my feet.  More than one met me for walks.  It was an amazing feeling to be so cared for.

"Throw away the playbook - AKA Just do it" - this is something I have had to embrace as the plan and circumstances changes over and over.  You can plan all you want but I tend to think G-d has some humor and replans and diverts over and over.  Sometimes, just follow no script and run free.

Post race recap:

This was an amazing day- I won’t lie and say there weren’t a few moments of panic where I had no clue what I thought I was doing by attempting something this huge without real training.  I breathed, reminded myself I didn’t have to do anything and I should just enjoy. I met some amazing people - one woman was a brain tumor survivor - that felt like divine providence. Another was an awesome Dad of 4 who got me thru the halfway point. And at the end, me and Locksley, an elderly gentleman, helped each other with the final push. I am beyond grateful for this accomplishment and super proud and appreciate this opportunity and experience.

The Phantom Tollbooth, a terrific kids classic, has a quote I've thought of often during this process.  Milo, the main character, sets out on a journey which is rife with difficulties. Once he finally completes the journey, the King, Azaz, (who sent him on this quest) tells him:

"That's why," said Azaz, "there was one very important thing about your quest that we couldn't discuss until you returned.
"I remember," said Milo eagerly. "Tell me now."
"It was impossible," said the king, looking at the Mathemagician.
"Completely impossible," said the Mathemagician, looking at the king.
"Do you mean----" said the bug, who suddenly felt a bit faint.

"Yes, indeed," they repeated together; "but if we'd told you then, you might not have gone---and, as you've discovered, so many things are possible just as long as you don't know they're impossible."

AAA

 Somehow I blinked and a new school year has begun, it’s fall and life is moving along faster than I can keep up with. I’ve had many thoughts which never made it down on paper. 

And here we are - post Rosh Hashana - the Jewish new year. A time to reflect and reassess.

As I reflected on the idea of forgiveness - it dawned on me that I have recently had an epiphany about the best way I’ve learned to deal with issues. I wish I could say I’ve put the idea into practice well in my own life but let’s just say it’s a work in progress. 

There are three As when it comes to resolving issues or arguments for me.

Acknowledge

Apologies 

Advance 

Step 1- Acknowledge: own up to whatever it is you’ve done. It can be embarrassing to do this. Sometimes your mistake seems obvious so you wonder why there’s a need to discuss it. I believe owning it is the most crucial step towards a resolution.

Step 2 - Apologize: it doesn’t need to be grand or a huge deal. Two small words usually do the trick. If you can manage to get a thought in about either where you went wrong or how you hope to avoid it in the future - bonus!

Step 3 - Advance: move on! Rehashing, restating, repeating - it all gets you nowhere but to the land of regret which is an unpleasant place to dwell. The sooner you can put the past in the past - the sooner you’ll be on your way to a better day.

Parenting with this mindset will give your kids such a healthy way to deal with both your mistakes and their own.  

Wishing everyone a new year filled with fresh beginnings and constant recleaned slates. 

Vacation-Family Trip Time

 I hope everyone is enjoying the summer schedule. I’ve been loving having my younger kids around without intense carpool or too much schedule. We are planning a family trip (notice I don’t refer to it as a vacation) and it has me thinking about approaches to family trips. I really thought this was a topic we covered but I looked back and couldn’t find it so sorry if it’s a repeat. 

Last week I had the privilege of spending the week at the beach with my mom and sister, a niece and two of my kids. It was a very different type of beach trip than past years because we were a small group. Everything felt so easy and relaxing it was incredible. One thing I noticed as we were on the beach surrounded by many different families of various sizes and ages was the level of stress I felt from so many of the parents. I remember those years of going away with small children and I know it can be stressful so I’m putting that as a disclaimer here . Kids can definitely be challenging on trips even when you have the best of attitudes.

 One thing that did occur to me which I’ve thought about in the past is how our expectations of vacation really affect the outcomes of our enjoyment. So many people have this notion that we are all going together and we need to spend every minute together and every kid has to like every activity.  Step back, adjust your expectations, and realize that as much as everyone wants a vacation they are also going to be people on the vacation. Their personalities do not change just because they are away from home. 

It is OK to do some activities separate. It is OK if someone is not feeling it. It’s Ok if someone is in a negative mood to let them be separate or stay back. If they are too young to be alone then as much as you might not want to, it is OK to have one parent stay back without feeling like it’s a punishment (for parent or child). Maybe that kid just needs downtime. Maybe they need some one on one time and don’t do so great with constant group activity. 

I know in an ideal world everybody goes on a trip and everyone feels so grateful for the opportunity that they can see past the little things. Try to remember we do not live in an ideal world. We can only make the best of whatever each day gives us.

One strategy I find works very well for a good number of family vacations/trips is to have a list of possible things to do without having a set itinerary for each day. That way you can gauge what feels right. If voting on it doesn’t work for your family, then just choose yourself each day depending on the mood of the group. If your family has a large span of ages, like mine, take certain days where you can break into two groups and let each group have an age-appropriate activity. 

Other strategies include having on days and off days. If you’re taking the type of vacation that includes a lot of hiking or movement then planning for a lower impact type day in the middle can give everyone a chance to reset. If you’re at the teen stage, you can have a lazy morning and take some time to yourself to exercise or relax while everyone sleeps in and plan an afternoon activity. If you have small children, who still nap, maybe two shorter activities that allow for some rest time in the middle. The key is to stay flexible because rigidity with expectations is usually what leads to disappointment and frustration.

Bear in mind that even if you’re a strict disciplinarian- everyone can slip up and there is such a thing as vacation mode for discipline. That doesn’t mean tolerating bad behavior- it means letting the small things slide for those days. You will definitely have other opportunities to address those behaviors.

Last trick that works well is the age old take a deep breath strategy . Most things are way less upsetting after you breathe for about five minutes max. Even one breath usually can help you change your mind about how to respond. Kids remember a lot about family trips. Try to keep the memories positive

Summertime … reset

 Summer is here again. This past year has been an interesting one. The world is struggling with how to transition back to “normal” post pandemic. Some people can’t leave it behind while others are ready to erase it completely. I’m assuming that for some of your kids, this was a productive and growth oriented year while for others school was a struggle, social dynamics made their lives difficult. I’ve watched different dynamics in my kids lives this year and figured this would be a good time to discuss how to recover from a challenging school year. I know this will only apply to some parents but my guess is that at some point it’ll apply to all. 

So here you are in the beginning of summer break. Your child struggled in school this year. Maybe it was academic, maybe social - but by the time the door closed behind them last week the sigh of relief was audible.  How can you help them recover and reset to have both a rejuvenating summer and face school next year with a positive attitude?

Arthur Brooks, a social scientist and Harvard professor who often discusses how to build happiness, said “You can’t alter history. You can, however, change your perception of it.” The way we frame our past experiences changes how we treat them.  If you allow your past to be baggage, it will weigh you down. Retelling the story in a way that allows you to grow, learn and not repeat the same mistakes or experiences will change your future.

Once your child has calmed and relaxed some after the stresses of the year - do a deeper dive into what happened.

 If it was academic issues - did they learn to self advocate? Did they learn something about how they learn or need to structure their learning to make it better work for them? Start finding the positive twist and use it to fuel their future learning. 

Social stress? Did they feel left out of a popular group? Get too invested in the class drama? Help them figure out where the issues stemmed from and what they can take away from it. Friendships may have shifted. People may have changed. The kid who was always their go-to best friend might have turned into the popular kid who no longer cares for them or shares similar interests.  Helping them find what they learned about themselves and how they changed can help them navigate the next steps.

“Let it go” - once you have hashed and dissected the year - help them move on.  When a topic is rehashed it doesn’t get better. Steer the conversations forward. Help them focus on the here and now. Encourage some space and distance from the experience.  

Recharge - Spend time outdoors. Rediscover the things they enjoy without the pressures of school and homework and myriad other things that get in the way. Try your best not to over-program them so they have no downtime.  Going from a bad year to a treadmill summer isn’t always the answer. 

TBH, as they say, it’s not just the kids that need this after they have a challenging year - you probably need it too.  You listened and navigated and dealt with the daily stresses of having an unhappy child this past year. Find what you need to reshape, reset and recharge.

Happy summer break!

Embrace the Struggle

 I looked back through old posts before starting this because I don’t like to be repetitive and I found a related topic but it didn’t quite get to the idea I’ve been tossing around lately so I decided to have a go at it. 

I’ve been noticing a lot lately that many parents want to solve things for their kids. Or prevent their kids from having to deal with stress or adversity. And while there are definitely many  approaches to parenting - ranging from  hands on and possibly micro-managing (aka helicopter parenting) all the way to free range - I wanted to talk about the idea behind some of this. Mostly the why (since we discussed how to help kids become more resilient in a prior post).

This morning I posed a question to a few friends - if we know that challenges and struggles make us stronger and help us become who we can potentially be - why do we try to avoid them? Shield our children from them?

I’m a big believer in the idea that when we take an idea apart, figure out the pieces - we can rebuild and put it together with a better solution. 

My friends posed several possible causes for this behavior.  Mostly it came down to fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of suffering. Fear of (fill in the blank). 

Think back in your own life to situations that you have gotten through. Some might have been by your own errors - making poor choices possibly - others were circumstances you found yourself in that were beyond your control. In both situations - you likely not only learned many things about how to proceed and about yourself - but also grew and developed into the person you have now become. 

Would you choose to redo them? Almost irrelevant. No one asks for a challenge. No one wants a struggle when it can be avoided. But when these situations arise - we tend to rise to the challenges. Grow from them. 

And pivot that to becoming good at something. The first time you try something it may be exceedingly difficult. You might want to quit before you’ve even put in the effort. But once you put in the time and build up some resilience, you might find that thing to be your most rewarding. 

How many people learned an instrument, took on a sport or a skill - all of these things take time and effort and work. Usually many tears are shed before it becomes your passion. But it changes your life to find that THING that just speaks to you. Helps relieve your stress. Helps you get into the zone. 

Now think practically - have you ever dealt with someone where you felt you had to be on top of them to make something happen? It can be intensely frustrating.

 Most of these people suffer from having had someone take care of too much for them. Shield them. Since they never had to face their own problems and come up with their own solutions, there’s just an expectation that someone else will take care of it or resolve it. Even when they have their own responsibilities, you still need to almost babysit them in order to get some thing done.

So bringing this full circle - what I’m not saying is to let our kids hang out to dry. I’m not trying to tell you don’t problem solve with them. But what I do want to impart is to let go of the fear - let them experience life. Make mistakes. Learn from them. Help them problem solve through their difficulties but don’t try to solve it for them - solve it with them. Understand that it’s ok for them to have hard things to overcome. They will grow. And they will thank you for it one day. 

Near Misses

 I rarely write more than once in a week (or month these days) but something happened yesterday and I wanted to share in case any child or parent could benefit. 

I was driving with my mom to the gym yesterday and I was on one of the busiest streets in town - at least 3 lanes per side. I had a green light and total right of way. I noticed two women and two kids (elementary age) standing on the median as I approached one stretch of the street and suddenly, with no warning, one of the kids started to run across the street. She jumped directly in front of my car. The speed limit in that area is probably 35-40. Thank G-D I was able to stop in time. One crazy part of this was that there was a crosswalk but it had its own light and it wasn’t her turn. She just ran forward anticipating that it would turn. 

Why am I sharing this story? 

First - it was a huge reminder to me as a driver about attentiveness. Had I glanced away even for a minute - this story would have had a tragic ending. Looking down at a phone or even gazing out the window…these days distracted driving is a reality and sometimes we need a reminder to stay vigilant. 

Second - it gave me the chance to review street crossing safety with my kids. Especially teens - I find they are lax and often looking for shortcuts. I reminded them that the key in all these things is awareness of your surroundings. A crosswalk is the right place to cross but even there you have to check and make sure you have a clear path. I reminded them not to try a crossing when cars are coming but they think they have enough time. Pedestrian safety is crucial. 

It also got me thinking about  how even when you do everything right - awful things are possible and fault seriously wouldn’t matter when it comes to the life and safety of a child. But that is a different topic for a different day. 

As we enjoy the spring and our kids get out and play more - please review safety with them so everyone can have a happy and safe season. 

Expectations

The holiday of Pesach/Passover is drawing near and it’s gotten me thinking about expectations. There are so many ways to go with this topic - expectations of what the different members of the family will do for the holiday - with its many layers of prep from cleaning the entire house to the vast amounts of cooking. Expectations about how educated kids will be coming to the Seder - what and how much they learned, whether they’ll “perform” - everyone to the small children reciting the four questions to the bigger children sharing what they were taught. Expectations of the fun everyone will have getting together. All of these are very worthy topics but not what I had on my mind this time. I wanted to talk about setting the expectations for what kids will get - and I’m not just talking about the great and grand Afikomen. I’m thinking how really setting expectations can completely change the tone of how kids approach things.

To start with something completely not Pesach related…My son recently became bar mitzva. Amidst the celebrations and hoopla, he also had the expectation that he would finally graduate to the front seat. It’s commonly accepted that once you hit 13 you can ride shotgun. I, however, had other plans. After some discussions with my pediatrician, I understood that while it’s common practice for 13 to be the cutoff - it actually has more to do with bone development than age and weight. A child whose bones have not yet fused is more likely to be injured or killed in the front seat than an adult in the same position. Since I had no shortage of spaces in the car at this stage in my life, I opted to make him wait. The difference in his expectations and mine were a bit disappointing to him. But he adjusted and we’ve come to the understanding that he is going to wait until it’s more necessary and he’s gotten more of his growth underway. Had I set this expectation long before the milestone arrived, he would have had an even easier time with the end result, despite seeing his friends and even kids younger than him sitting in the front seat (I’ll have to keep my opinions on that to myself - just do the research, friends…look at the statistics they speak for themselves). 

My point here is not to lecture on safety - it’s about setting expectations. I’m noticing more and more that parents are bending to the whims of their kids because everyone else seems to be doing X (fill this blank however…some easy examples - getting their kids phones at a young age, sending their kids to sleep away camp…) but there’s no reason to become that parent. You are in control and you get to decide. Setting reasonable expectations for your kids doesn’t mean you are depriving them or giving them less. Sometimes less is truly more. If they know that in your family, kids get phones when they learn to drive - their expectation would not be to get a phone when all their friends may be. 

Back to pesach - In our house we don’t bargain for afikomen (I know, I hear some people shouting that takes away the fun) - we simply buy each child a gift before and they each get it at the Seder. I never liked the bargaining, wheedling or other upset over this - it has become a highlight for the kids that they know they’ll get a fun surprise. Yes, it’s different than the way most houses traditionally do it but no, they’re not getting any less or experiencing less. 

In terms of expectations for your Seder - this could be a post unto itself but just remember it’s about enjoying, having fun, imparting things to your children. If they feel pressured, forced to perform, stressed - you both may miss the point of the whole experience. 

And now back to that pesach prep I’m supposed to actually be doing…

Pearls

Sometimes too many pearls of wisdom go unnoticed. Today I’m taking the time to stop and notice them. 

Each of these is a lesson we can apply to our lives and certainly share with our children. 

As usual, most of my deep thoughts come from my runs and the incredible people I talk to during them. Here is a sampling of some of the recent wisdom I’ve gleaned:

- Negativity has no place if you don’t allow it in. This one came from two places in the same week and I felt that meant it had to be concretized. My good friend and running/life mentor actually won the Atlanta marathon this past Sunday. When describing part of his race, he told me it was cold and raining and for several miles he battled negative thoughts and considered quitting. It is so hard to be cold and tired and know you can just stop if you want - but his determination won and he consciously decided that negativity had no space in his head. Amazingly, he won the race and honestly, imagine he’d never know what he was capable of had he given it the space to grow. 

-  You are how you see yourself  - just this morning I went running with some friends - I was very achey and tired when we started out. I had done a race on Sunday and was still Charlie horse and also had tried some new workout style which left me with aching muscles I didn’t know existed. I commented to my friend how I felt like an old lady running. He surprised me by saying he doesn’t often hear me talk about myself that way. It was a good reminder - once he told me I consciously told myself You are only as old as you feel and you really shouldn’t talk about yourself like that because you’ll start believing it. Not only did I make it through the run, but I actually finished a Half Marathon without even planning it. 

Drop the agenda and take the time to hear what’s being said - we’ve discussed before how to be a good listener (In this blog post). All too often we are only hearing what is being said around us but not actually listening to it. In a recent online discussion forum, I was amazed how it seemed two parallel conversations were occurring. There were people who came to the conversation mostly to have a monologue. They were literally not reading what people were writing and responding with rhetoric and their preconceived notions. If they’d take a step back, drop their agenda and possibly take a step down from their high horse, they might have come away from the conversation with a very different perspective. The entire episode reminded me of the game broken telephone we played as kids. 

-Appreciate what you have - and acknowledge it. A friend mentioned to me that after having an enlightening conversation with a colleague - he was pleasantly surprised that the older, more experienced colleague thanked him for his fresh perspective on things. All too often, we take for granted the big and small kindnesses that come into our lives. Take the time to notice them and be grateful.  

-Energy is infectious - spread it at every opportunity-  I am part of an amazing running community. The people in it have become my friends and role models. One thing that always amazes me is how infectious their energy is. I can try something alone and struggle to get through it but somehow when we are together we accomplish insane feats. Despite everyone having busy lives and schedules, everyone makes the time to get out early (and I mean super early) and work on our running as a group. And it comes with energy - the cheering, electric, whooping type of energy that literally energizes you. Despite it being one of our hardest workouts during the week, everyone walks away feeling uplifted. 

There are so many more things I could touch on but those are today’s highlights. I figured a good thing shared is twice as good 😊 

Multitasking

 A friend of mine was sitting at a basketball game with me the other week and asked how I juggle everything lately. I told her straight up that I don’t really, it just looks like I do. She said “yeah, I usually say people who multitask get a solid B+ in everything.”  I loved that and it rang true to me. 

We are all so busy trying to get so many things done on so many platforms we basically fall short in all of them. Lately I’ve felt this a lot. It made me think about what we are trying to accomplish and what we’re modeling to our kids. 

I think most people expect their children to figure out this balance, the dance of being part of as much as possible while still getting every box checked off. It looks different in every house but it often looks something like school, extracurricular activities or after school activities, maybe throw in some sports outside of school leagues, volunteer projects, play dates, homework … just keep throwing more in the mix.

I’m sure we’ve talked about over programming kids before and letting kids just be kids - my focus today is more about the message we are giving when there’s a constant need to fill their time, juggle more than they can probably handle, and how well they can do on any given item. 

Perhaps we need to take a step back and simplify - instead of such full schedules - allow them to focus on the main event (likely school for most kids) and choose one additional outlet where they can focus their attention and truly shine. I’m not suggesting doing away with every add-on - but simplicity is key to focus. 

In these last few weeks of cold winter (that’s a prayer more than a weather prediction) - it’s a good time to think about simplifying spring. Yes, it will be warm which means they will be able to be out more - but maybe that outside time should be filled with less structure and more freedom and allow them the opportunity to focus on their one extra so they can manage the A+ in it instead of the B’s in everything. 

It’s the small things…and the big ones too

My birthday just passed and I heard a similar thing from a few people - about what a milestone year it was - I became a grandmother and ran my first marathon. It’s true, both huge things that were life altering. It got me thinking about what truly defines a year or a time period…or our lives. Is it the big things or the small ones? Everyone says it’s the small things in life that count most. I think I might buck conventional wisdom on this one and say I think it truly is both. And maybe the small and the big aren’t as different as we think. And at some point in this post you’ll see how I find this connects to being a parent…

The little things in life make up the everyday. They are crucial. They set the tone and the overall feeling for how our life is. How our house feels. Do we have a relaxing environment to nurture our kids ? Is our life generally a stress free zone where people can enjoy and accomplish. That note you wrote someone just because you wanted to make them smile. The pictures you draw on your kids lunches so they’ll know you’re thinking about them when they’re in school all day. The small things stack up to make a big difference. 

But the big things matter.  And sometimes I think they matter more than we realize. If your life is one that includes many big trips this might not apply to you - but if you’re like us and going on a trip is a big adventure then you might find a family trip is one of those big things. We went to Iceland two years ago as a family. It was the first time we all flew together. My kids can pretty much recall every nuance of that trip. How it felt to experience each piece of it. I can still close my eyes and hear the wind on the coast and smell the sulfur. And it wasn’t just experiencing frozen waterfalls and amazing ice caves that they remember. I think they’re equally fond of telling you how they walked barefoot on ice to get to the backyard hot tub and just hang out. Those memories were made from something big. Stepping out of the ordinary brings out a different side of us. We can walk away from the everyday practicalities of our lives and just be.  Those moments are important.

Becoming a grandmother was another big thing. When it happens it seems to have come on so fast - they were literally your baby just a second ago.  It’s really a lifetime of your child rearing coming to a crescendo.  Every up and down you had with that child, every struggle and triumph. Every sleepless night, diaper you changed, the hours you sat and did homework, the big and the small - all helped shape your child into the person they have become and the life they’ve chosen to live.  Their introduction into parenthood and their approach is all part of that.  The amazing human being they are and the new life that joined your family - all pieces of that.  

And then there is working towards a big goal. For me this past year, it was my marathon. It took a lot of small goals and worked into bigger and bigger ones until I finally was able to tackle the biggest of all. But for me, that wasn’t where that journey ends. It wasn’t about checking a box off and moving on.  It was also about getting there and then saying what’s next here that I can do? And deciding to keep running and loving the everyday part of it. About combining the big and the small together.

Not all big things are one off grand adventures. Just think about when you were dating and decided to get married. Everyone prepares and prepares for that big day - and that day is important and exciting and can be amazing. But the real amazing is what comes next - the life you live together. The everyday you will then spend for years and years. 

So back to being parents in this world of big and small - I feel like sometimes we focus on the big things a lot (currently bar mitzva planning and it definitely gets the lions share of attention) and we forget the small things but other times, we get caught up in the small everyday and forget to make time for those big things. Now, when everyone is either on break or about to have break, is a good time to reassess that balance. Enjoy the big things when you get the chance, keep chugging away at both the big and small - and hopefully you’ll reap the rewards of both types to be able to look back on every year and really feel it was a milestone for you and your family. 

If this was 43, I’m really curious what 44 has in store!

Bullying - Old story, new tactics

 They used to say "Punch a bully in the nose" when advising kids how to deal with bullies.  I'm thinking that should probably be revised for the current day and age.  We have talked in a previous post about realizing your child is bullying other kids, but we haven't yet discussed what to do if you own child is being bullied.  This topic is complicated and certainly doesn't have a one-button answer but I will attempt a beginning in this post.

Before we even begin the how to section - we must acknowledge that bullying has taken on many new faces with the metamorphosis of the internet.  It is easier than ever to bully someone when you’re not face to face, at times with the guise of anonymity, making it an ever more difficult issue to tackle. Our conversation is going to begin with an “in person” bully and hoping we can do a part II of online bullying.

Know Thy Enemy…It’s important to understand what creates a bully. Bullies are usually kids who have self confidence issues.  Bullying others let’s them focus on the perceived shortcomings of their victim instead of focusing and understanding their own feelings.  It is the classic make someone smaller in order to feel bigger scenario.

When a child is being bullied, it is so easy for them to feel like the victim.  The more we empower our kids, the more likely it will be that they can overcome a bullying situation.  

One key element we can give our children when it comes to any situation is the language to address it.  If they can define it, it becomes something more manageable.  Identifying that they are being bullied, letting them share their feelings about the situation and expressing how the behavior makes them feel can empower them.  Make sure not to disregard what they are saying or disparage them when they are sharing. Children need to feel heard and understood. 

Once they have shared, I think it helps to teach them the underlying issues that cause a child to bully them.  If they see the situation for what it is, the other child being weak instead of strong, it helps reframe their understanding of the other child.  I’m not asking you to have your kid pity their bully, but it is truly empowering to let them know that the other child is likely jealous of their strengths and so seeks to diminish them in the eyes of others.

Psychology Today wrote a very practical article with 7 skills  to help a child deal with a bully.  (7 Skills for Teaching Your Child to Stand Up to Bullies | Psychology Today) These include keeping eye contact, reacting quickly so the bully doesn’t have extended power over you, using assertive language and voice and other practical steps. 

There are several important tools to give your child when dealing with a bully:

- Deescalation: it is always easy to stoop to the level of an aggressor  and be mean or physical back but it doesn’t stop a bully. If anything, it encourages them. The best tactic is to walk away. If that isn’t possible, deescalate. Don’t respond to their taunts. Leave situations where they are being aggressive. The less opportunity they have, the less power they have. If your child is very self confident (going into the situation), encourage them to smile back and be polite.  Nothing makes an angry person more irritated than kindness. 

- Be assertive not aggressive: it is good and reasonable to stand up for yourself in a bullying situation.  It is not ok to yell back - it actually makes you look and seem weak to the bully. The best tactic is to learn to respond respectfully but assertively. Examples of this could be  “I don’t like being spoken to in that tone.” “Don’t come into my personal space and intimidate me, I’m not scared of you no matter how close you come.”

- Stay away: If the bully is physical, avoid close contact. Involve an adult as soon as possible. The longer a bully is allowed to behave poorly, the stronger and bolder they tend to get.

- Stick together: having friends around you when near a bully makes it much harder for them to try and taunt or bother you.  Hopefully your friends can stick up for you as well and tell the bully their behavior isn’t cool or acceptable. 

- Involve the School - no matter if the bullying is done on school grounds or off, make sure the school administration is aware of the issue. School is a place that should feel safe for all children and having a bully in your midst does not make kids feel safe.  If needed, ask for more adult coverage during break times. These are prime times for bullies to strike. 

The bottom line is that bullying is a crime of opportunity much of the time. If kids learn to stick together, stand up for each other and know their own strengths, we can help them stand up to bullies and overcome the long term effects of having been bullied. They can’t and shouldn’t have to face it alone. 

Everyone deserves a second chance to make a first impression

 

Today I reran my marathon - yup, you read that right. I had a really tough race this fall and wanted to get another stab at the distance and walk away feeling good and having enjoyed every step. Today, I did that. My good friend who has run more than several dozen marathons was my dedicated pacer (self-proclaimed Sherpa) and we set out long before the light to see if we could re-enact my marathon but better. The experience was incredible. We had company from some of our track friends along the way. I felt uplifted and supported. I literally felt great til mile 25 and then it was far too close to give up - just pushed through some momentary discomfort and crossed our finish line feeling amazing. 

Why am I writing about this on my parenting blog? Well, for starters I write about whatever I want on here 😂. But like most things, this got me thinking. How often do we make a judgement based on a first impression of something and never revisit it? How often does one of our children do the same with a child or a teacher and we just let them sit in that place of judgement? It is so easy to fall into this trap. So easy, especially in today’s hyper media world where everything is done at lighting speed, a text or a post sent out without thought, a brief but off encounter with someone, any number of scenarios I can name which leave us with an impression, often a wrong one, of someone or something. 

We need to take the time to reset our first impressions. We need to allow ourselves to revisit ideas or concepts we have - about people, situations, the world around us. We need to constantly grow and change and evolve and revisit and rethink. The more we do this, the better we will be as humans overall. The less we sit in judgement and the more we open our eyes and our minds to the current realities of things the better we will interact with all parts of our world. 

So yes, I wanted a chance to make a different first impression of what I was capable of in a marathon - but more than that I wanted to reteach myself that everyone deserves a second chance to make a first impression. 

Hybrid Parenting

 Some of my best ideas start from conversations we have during running. The people I run with are amazing and help me see the world through clearer glasses. This morning we had a fantastic conversation that centered on parenting, specifically kids who tend to corner themselves and just dig their heels deeper. 

Many of us have been in some form of the same scenario - we, the parent, want our child to do something that seems extremely reasonable. For no reason we can discern, our child can’t or won’t comply in a reasonable manner.  We get into a power struggle and usually things devolve from there. These scenes play out over and over - often with the same characters and different backdrops and circumstances. 

There are so many approaches people use to deal with these situations and most people take a hard stance about whatever approach they choose. I think the key in this and so many parenting dilemmas is to realize two key factors:

1. There is rarely one size fits all when it comes to parenting.  What works for one child may not work for another. Often, we need a blend of different methodologies in order to find the exact right concoction that will work for our child.  And it won’t work every time despite how perfect it might be.  Staying consistent with your approach despite each instances success or failure is vital to long term success.

2. Often what appears to be obstinance or disobedience or (fill in the blank behavior) is just our children’s way of trying to communicate distress over something in their lives. It’s rarely about the homework sheet, the shoes, the (fill in the blank). As parents/detectives - we need to figure out what is really going on beneath the surface that is causing our kids to act this way. 

Once we realize these two keys - we move on to the third step: deescalation. No matter how correct or crazy what’s happening is - no one wins when you escalate the matter. Usually it turns into a snowball effect. Someone ends up in tears (let’s not pretend that isn’t us) and there is very little gain. The best thing to do is deescalate the situation. Add some humor if you can. Make a funny joke. Walk away if there’s no alternative. But don’t get into a tug of war with your child. It just frays the rope. 

Hybrid parenting - as we termed it on this mornings run - is truly realizing that there are great elements from many parenting approaches and finding the one that works best for your child and integrating the best of whatever methods is key to success. 

As always, good luck creating your model - I love to hear about your thoughts and process!

My First Marathon

Musings of a Marathon training mama 

Pre Race

I’m heading towards my first marathon and decided it was about time I wrote some of my thoughts down. So here goes- 

Recently I’ve thought a lot about the training and planning that I’ve put into this. Probably more than almost anything I’ve done in my life. Funny how I likely planned more for this than my wedding, having kids or any life changing event. I think I’ve learned so many lessons from this entire experience - 

“You have to run your own race” - when we would do our speed work on the track it was easy to fall into the feeling of I have to keep up or why can’t I go as fast as someone else here. But my friend wisely counseled me one week saying - you have to run your own race. What a life lesson - we need to stop all the comparison, being someone or doing something because others expect it. Because others are doing it. In this life, it’s only our own race that matters. 

“Make a plan”- true marathon training requires discipline. Building up the stamina to keep running despite whatever is thrown at you takes months of training. Getting out there, running one long run after another - week after week - takes a level of discipline and commitment to the plan. If only we could think through our life goals with the same sort of plan. How amazing would it be if we decided to tackle a character trait or bad habit with the same type of planned approach and we stuck to it. 

“Be flexible or you’ll get injured” - even with the plan and keeping to it, you need to be flexible. If you wake up on your day for speed-work and your legs are cramping or you’re supposed to do a long run but something doesn’t feel right - you need to be able to tweak and adjust. Still getting those elements in but not necessarily as you had planned them. Life needs flexibility- there’s almost nothing I can elaborate on for that because it is self explanatory!

“No excuses” - if we waited for all the pieces to fall into place for the “perfect run” - it’s likely we would never get out the door. There will always be reasons why you can’t do something, the trick is to find the reasons you can and always focus on them. Some of my longest and hardest training runs were in terrible conditions. I’ve run in extremely hot temperatures with 90% humidity, I’ve run after sleepless nights and with bad stomach aches. Every one of them reinforced this lesson. 

“You can accomplish as much as you tell yourself you can” - the power of your mind is incredible. You are only as limited as you tell yourself. When you believe you can do something, when you tell yourself you’re capable and it’s possible, your body follows. On so many of my long runs I saw this - the minute I started to think about being tired, my body slowed down. If I told myself the end was near and I could push through my body just listened to those instructions. So much of our life can be changed if we just realized that our attitude and approach controls the actual outcomes. 

“Trust in the process” - there are so many times you just want to go for it - run the full distance and just be finished. But the process is almost like building a house. You have to dig deep, set the foundation, and lay brick by brick. You don’t usually see the full picture until the house is built. If you skip steps ultimately the house won’t stand or last. 

 

“It takes a village” - this pretty much goes without saying. You can do this yourself but it is so much better with everyone’s support. I benefited from having an amazing running group who helped me get out the door for the last few years, rain or shine. I am lucky to have more than one group to run with who teach me everything from how to build lung capacity to how to marathon plan and train. Without the support of my family, letting me get out there whether it is or isn’t convenient - I couldn’t have done this at my age and stage. 

“Invest in yourself” - all too often life keeps moving and we’re so busy with the business of it we forget to LIVE. As a mom and wife, I’m often busy with the needs of others. Investing in myself gave me a chance to remember who I am, what I’m capable of and how much learning I still have to do no matter what age I am. 

“Be able to conquer the out and back” - when you’re running, there isn’t always a perfect loop to run. I had a hard time conquering the idea of going out and back over and over. On short distances it never bothered me, but the longer runs really started to make it hard. I would turn around and be like - shoot I have to run the same thing again?! Life is about routines and it’s easy to get stuck in the routine rut. The ability to repeat tasks and find nuance, energy and excitement is something that needs constant work. By the end of my training, I was able to run these routes without trepidation and focus on different elements of my run while I covered the same ground. 

“Every step is forward” - I love the idea of moving and growing in life. One particular long run all I wanted was to go forward - it made me think about how we can spend our lives looking back, dwelling, regretting or we can choose to always look forward, move on and take what lessons we can to do it better next time. 

“The journey is the destination” - not everything is about the big race day. Every ounce of effort that we put in along the way is a priceless gift to ourselves. Yes, the race is exciting (and somewhat terrifying) but what we’ve gained along the way is the ultimate reward. 

“Keep your eye on the prize” - there will be good days and bad ones. Easy runs. Hard runs. In the end, every one stacks up to help you reach your goal. You won’t feel great every time you start. Most days the first couple miles will feel like a massive effort and you’ll wonder how you ran 16 the other day but 3 are so hard today. In the end, the big picture is what you gotta focus on. 

“You put in the effort but ultimately G-d is in control of the outcome” - it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking you did this, you put in the work and effort and it’s because of you that you succeeded. In the end of the day, the health abs strength is a gift from a higher power. Always keep it in mind and be thankful every day.  

People who haven’t run a marathon often say “this or that is like running a marathon” or “life is a marathon”. In truth, it would be great if all of us lived our lives as if we were running a marathon! 

Post race endnote:

I finished my first marathon today. I still can’t believe I made it through. It was not the race I planned for and I didn’t make my time goal - but I am humbled by the accomplishment and by the gift of being able to push through even when I felt pretty awful. Had I kept to plan I might have made it in my planned time but I trusted others to set the pace and they didn’t quite keep to the plan. I didn’t trust my gut and by the time I realized it was a bit too late to recover my speed. But I learned a lot from this experience. 

Luckily my wise running friend told me beforehand that the journey is the destination. That gives me comfort post race since this was a totally different experience than I had imagined.

My first thought when things got rough was you have to run your own race. And sometimes the race you plan isn’t the one G-d had in mind for you. And I thought how maybe I needed some humbling - that what I thought would be a totally doable goal was out of my reach. When I realized I had to let go of my time goal and walk a little to reset I was disappointed but then I realized that I was blessed to have no cramps, no places that were extremely painful. Hashem had blessed me with a race where my body was working. I was fighting nausea and dizziness mostly. Likely a combo of going out too hard on the first half (rookie mistake) and not drinking enough and the cold.  I kept pushing, stopping another two times to try to reset my body before I could push more. I learned that it’s ok to feel bad and acknowledge that voice but that I had a louder voice pushing me, telling me quitting was not an option and I was going to finish. 

I literally said “hey Siri text husband” at mile 21 and told my husband I felt like crap - and he was so encouraging and told me I could do it and they were all at mile 22 so just push a little more. Coming past my entire family cheering and holding out their hands for me in a long line pushed me through. It reminded me that the village is real and they are my biggest cheerleaders. I knew I had to get through for myself and for them. 

By the time I got close to mile 24, I knew I was so close. I kept telling myself I’ve done way longer distances than 2 miles. Seeing my family at the finish line was the fuel I needed to surge. 

After I had finished my sister asked me how it was and I told her it was really tough. She told me that every time I passed them I had a smile and they had no idea what I was dealing with. We both realized it was a reminder of the age old lesson - just because everything looks ok to someone on the outside doesn’t mean things are ok.  It also reminded me that no matter how tough something is, you can always put on a smile. 

Overall, I’m so honored and privileged to have been able to have this experience. I keep reminding myself that the goal was the finish line and I made it. Technicalities aside, I am so grateful to G-d for giving me the good health to do this. I am so grateful for my supportive husband and kids who enabled me to train. And for the incredible running community I’m part of who make me feel like I always belong. 

Settling In

It’s that point in the year again - finally settling into some sort of routine. The holiday season is over and regular school is here. This is a time that always reminds me of the pros and cons of routine. 

I’m a person who thrives on routine in many ways. I like the predictable. I function best in an organized environment where I know what to do and when to do it. I think it helps kids to have a solid routine, they know what’s coming and what’s expected of them.

But routine has its pitfalls - it can make us complacent and stilted. There has to be some counterbalance not to become boring. 

This year I’ve upended my regular routine and taken on what feels to me like a huge challenge. I’m not even sure when the idea started to germinate but at some point it was just there and grew. I decided to take on a full marathon - something many people have done the world over and yet to me wasn’t even on my radar a few years ago. 

I put in the work, ran the long training distances - met the “wall” and pushed against it. I’m one week away from the big day and all there is left to do is run the thing. 

But like most things in life - there’s always a but. Silly mundane things can change your approach. Silly mis-steps like stubbing your toe. And so, 8 days out, instead of following the plan - here I am resting in my bed with my foot elevated and iced and skipping my run. 

But these things, like most hiccups, shouldn’t deter you. They’re just our small reminders that with the best laid plans, we’re truly not in control. That routines are made to be broken sometimes.  That it’s ok to go off script.

Why am I rambling about this on a parenting blog? Honestly probably two reasons. First, when you’re training for something big, your life kind of begins to revolve around it. Second, because I really think this lesson applies to most things in life and especially with our kids. 

You can do everything right or everything wrong with planning for your kids. You can have the best routines and structures and supports in place for their success. But ultimately you can’t control their outcomes. 

They are small humans who become big humans. They have their own ways of doing things, seeing things, approaching things. They will have their challenges despite whatever effort you make to pave a smooth path for them. 

These challenges will build them if you give them the right tools and attitudes towards them. The ability to know the routine exists will allow them to bend and mold it to the style that works best for them. 

The key element is to set them up for success but not to bind them to your version of routine or structure; Respecting their world view. 

As someone who hasn’t yet run an actual marathon, I won’t make the reference of something difficult being like running one - too cliche and overused - but hopefully in 8 days …

Don't Look Back

I don't get much time to write lately.  Between work, kids, and marathon training (what was I thinking??) time is kind of at a premium currently.  But those long Sunday runs for my training do give me a lot of time to think.  This week, I didn't want to do an "out and back" where I retrace my steps for the second half of the run and my husband so generously offered to pick me up at the end so I could just go forward.  It got me thinking about how much running and training teaches you so much about life in general.  Two really quick examples - 

• When I run and I'm getting stuck in a rut, I think about putting one foot in front of the other.  Not always thinking about how long I have to go, just one step at a time.
• When I run and I pick a destination - I don't look back.  Reflecting is good, don't get me wrong, but moving forward and not dwelling is key.  It doesn't matter what happened before, it only matters what happens next.

So...how does this relate to parenting? Funny you should ask.

I was thinking about how often we dwell or fixate on what type of kid we have.  I was recently discussing with someone how all too often, kids get labeled as ...

• weak student/strong student
• wild/calm
•  cooperative/disobedient
• you name it...

Sometimes we get so stuck on seeing a child in the light of certain events or experiences and we forget about giving them the space and the ability to be more than just their label.  Behaviors don't define our children.  Behaviors have many sources.  They can be the result of a stage they are going through.  They almost always are expressions of something going on inside them that needs to be broached or figured out.  But they are not the be all and end all of what your child IS.  They should not define how we approach them or how educators view them.

Yom Kippur is approaching, a time of reflection, forgiveness, introspection.  I'd like to encourage everyone to take this time to look forward, move forward, and see forward.  If we all try to see our kids as people, individuals expressing themselves in a variety of ways, to not type or label them but to just see their behaviors for what they are, I hope we can move forward into this new year with a fresh attitude and giving our kids a fresh start.

My destination for this week's run

Life really is like going round and round this track - just watch for the sunrises, they do make it worthwhile

Do You See What I See

All too often, our world view shapes the way we perceive situations and the people in them. Being a casual observer of ones own life is not a skill most people possess. A while ago we discussed taking advice and talked about how to accept advice from others (and model that for our kids to do in their own lives). Today I want to take a bit of a different angle - seeing this topic in a different light. 

Try to answer these two questions honestly - 

1. Are you the type of parent who can hear criticism of your parenting and accept it?

2. Are you the type of parent who can hear criticism about your child and be honest and open about it?

Yes, I said HONESTLY! Of course we would all like to say YES to both - but it’s not so easy to hear your own faults.  We often own our children’s faults to such a degree that we feel responsible for their shortcomings.  Embarrassed by their weaknesses…embarrassed by our own fallibility … possibly feel that people judge us and our parenting based on our children’s behaviors.   

The most important thing to remember is that we are all human.  If we were perfect, our job would be done here.  There is always room for growth and improvement. 

Another  important thing to bear in mind: your kids are individuals - you are no more responsible for their successes than their failures. You can steer, tweak and assist their development but you cannot control their choices.    

I was recently talking with my niece who is training for her first marathon. She’s reading a book about how to train and the mental game. She told me about this concept where if you are getting fatigued, you visualize getting to swap legs with someone. I loved the idea, even have been using it on some pretty tough runs when I’m about ready to give up. But it made me think - could we utilize this technique when hearing criticism about ourselves or our kids? Could we pretend we are someone else, listening (or better yet giving) this critique and how would we feel about the situation if that were the case?

Assume the advice is coming from a good place. Most people aren’t trying to personally attack your character - they’re trying to help you see what you can’t easily perceive. It’s always easier to see things from an outside POV.  

Be honest with them about your ability to hear It. It isn’t always a good time to be given advice. 

Don’t feel the need to respond. Sometimes just listening is enough. Think it through on your own terms and time.   

 The key here is to do our best to be casual observers of our lives and try to be able to step outside of the situation and hear what’s behind whatever message you’re getting.  We all want to improve, grow and becoming better people - and to do so sometimes we need to step out of our comfort zone and experience a bit of our own growing pains.      

Personalities

 I need to start today's post with some personal news - I became a Grandmother last week.  Its still settling in and quite weird to actually put that in print.  Life moves so fast sometimes and its amazing to see how quickly we go from changing our own kids diapers to changing a grandbaby in diapers.  I have all kinds of amazing feelings about this that are impossible to put in writing.  Bottom line, no matter how intense and insane whatever stage you're at right now is, remember the good stuff comes!

On to today's topic - personalities.

It is kind of inevitable that at some point, you and your child will have a personality clash.  Yes, some kids have the type of personality that just flows with yours, but more often than not you'll have a child who just doesn't.  Or doesn't for a time.  This can happen at any point from toddler to teen but most parents experience something of this phenomenon as their kids hit their teen years. Personality clashes can happen in small and big ways.  I recently read an article about the types of "Verts" - it described the different types of people:

The “verts” are categories we put ourselves and others in, based on our personalities. There are generally three types:

• Introvert – a person who likes their own company, ponders their own thoughts and can tire quickly in social situations. They are stereotypically quiet and even lack confidence.
• Extrovert – a person who thrives in the company of others, enjoys sharing and caring for others. They are typically loud and confident.
• Ambivert – a little mix of both.

(5 Types of a Personality Clash between People and How to Handle It - Learning Mind (learning-mind.com)

I think this is a good starting point to understand personality clashes.  (I'm not sure I completely agree with their assessment of confidence, but that is a side point).  Sometimes, understanding your child's personality is as simple as realizing your child isn't necessarily the same type of person as you are.  You like to share and discuss, your child prefers to keep it to themselves.  You are quiet and thoughtful, your child feels a need to fill every room with words and noise.  However you see this, it is difficult not to put your own personality type onto your child.  It might be enough for them to say the day was good and move on, you don't necessarily need all the details, no matter how much you want them.  

Most of this part seems fairly elementary.  Once you take a step back and assess the type of personality your child has, it is easier to meet the needs of their personality.  It is important not to put your needs onto them.  For example, your need to know the minutia of their day shouldn't be imposed on them.  If that feels like an interrogation to their personality type, take a step back and realize they will share when and what they want.

The biggest challenge of understanding different personalities or personality phases is when the going gets really rough.  Your child is at a point where you can't relate to some of their needs (or lack of needs).  

For example, you are a clean and neat person.  You want your child to have a clean and neat room.  In their current phase (or personality, depending which it is) they want to have freedom of expression.  To them that means not being told how to live in their own space.  This is a huge challenge for most people.  On the one hand, you want them to live in a hygenic clean environment.  On the other, you don't want to have constant battles.  This requires more than a little patience (and frankly saintliness) on the part of you as the parent.  Yes, you can explain your thought process and ask them to be considerate of the houses standards but no, it may not work.  You can probably talk until you're blue but that likely won't change the reality.  In this situation, you can either decide to clash constantly or you can take a step back.  Yes, it is against your personality type to allow this type of thing but the battle might not be worthwhile.  More than likely, at some point they will outgrow this phase.  Hopefully fast.  

I am by no means saying not to try and teach them some flexibility in their own personalities.  After all, they need the skills to learn to live and thrive with other types of people.  But I do think that sometimes we get lost in the details here and constantly try to push our children to do what we need and less what they feel.  Respect their feelings and their personality type and find the boundaries that feel appropriate in the situation.