They used to say "Punch a bully in the nose" when advising kids how to deal with bullies. I'm thinking that should probably be revised for the current day and age. We have talked in a previous post about realizing your child is bullying other kids, but we haven't yet discussed what to do if you own child is being bullied. This topic is complicated and certainly doesn't have a one-button answer but I will attempt a beginning in this post.
Before we even begin the how to section - we must acknowledge that bullying has taken on many new faces with the metamorphosis of the internet. It is easier than ever to bully someone when you’re not face to face, at times with the guise of anonymity, making it an ever more difficult issue to tackle. Our conversation is going to begin with an “in person” bully and hoping we can do a part II of online bullying.
Know Thy Enemy…It’s important to understand what creates a bully. Bullies are usually kids who have self confidence issues. Bullying others let’s them focus on the perceived shortcomings of their victim instead of focusing and understanding their own feelings. It is the classic make someone smaller in order to feel bigger scenario.
When a child is being bullied, it is so easy for them to feel like the victim. The more we empower our kids, the more likely it will be that they can overcome a bullying situation.
One key element we can give our children when it comes to any situation is the language to address it. If they can define it, it becomes something more manageable. Identifying that they are being bullied, letting them share their feelings about the situation and expressing how the behavior makes them feel can empower them. Make sure not to disregard what they are saying or disparage them when they are sharing. Children need to feel heard and understood.
Once they have shared, I think it helps to teach them the underlying issues that cause a child to bully them. If they see the situation for what it is, the other child being weak instead of strong, it helps reframe their understanding of the other child. I’m not asking you to have your kid pity their bully, but it is truly empowering to let them know that the other child is likely jealous of their strengths and so seeks to diminish them in the eyes of others.
Psychology Today wrote a very practical article with 7 skills to help a child deal with a bully. (7 Skills for Teaching Your Child to Stand Up to Bullies | Psychology Today) These include keeping eye contact, reacting quickly so the bully doesn’t have extended power over you, using assertive language and voice and other practical steps.
There are several important tools to give your child when dealing with a bully:
- Deescalation: it is always easy to stoop to the level of an aggressor and be mean or physical back but it doesn’t stop a bully. If anything, it encourages them. The best tactic is to walk away. If that isn’t possible, deescalate. Don’t respond to their taunts. Leave situations where they are being aggressive. The less opportunity they have, the less power they have. If your child is very self confident (going into the situation), encourage them to smile back and be polite. Nothing makes an angry person more irritated than kindness.
- Be assertive not aggressive: it is good and reasonable to stand up for yourself in a bullying situation. It is not ok to yell back - it actually makes you look and seem weak to the bully. The best tactic is to learn to respond respectfully but assertively. Examples of this could be “I don’t like being spoken to in that tone.” “Don’t come into my personal space and intimidate me, I’m not scared of you no matter how close you come.”
- Stay away: If the bully is physical, avoid close contact. Involve an adult as soon as possible. The longer a bully is allowed to behave poorly, the stronger and bolder they tend to get.
- Stick together: having friends around you when near a bully makes it much harder for them to try and taunt or bother you. Hopefully your friends can stick up for you as well and tell the bully their behavior isn’t cool or acceptable.
- Involve the School - no matter if the bullying is done on school grounds or off, make sure the school administration is aware of the issue. School is a place that should feel safe for all children and having a bully in your midst does not make kids feel safe. If needed, ask for more adult coverage during break times. These are prime times for bullies to strike.
The bottom line is that bullying is a crime of opportunity much of the time. If kids learn to stick together, stand up for each other and know their own strengths, we can help them stand up to bullies and overcome the long term effects of having been bullied. They can’t and shouldn’t have to face it alone.
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