Expectations

The holiday of Pesach/Passover is drawing near and it’s gotten me thinking about expectations. There are so many ways to go with this topic - expectations of what the different members of the family will do for the holiday - with its many layers of prep from cleaning the entire house to the vast amounts of cooking. Expectations about how educated kids will be coming to the Seder - what and how much they learned, whether they’ll “perform” - everyone to the small children reciting the four questions to the bigger children sharing what they were taught. Expectations of the fun everyone will have getting together. All of these are very worthy topics but not what I had on my mind this time. I wanted to talk about setting the expectations for what kids will get - and I’m not just talking about the great and grand Afikomen. I’m thinking how really setting expectations can completely change the tone of how kids approach things.

To start with something completely not Pesach related…My son recently became bar mitzva. Amidst the celebrations and hoopla, he also had the expectation that he would finally graduate to the front seat. It’s commonly accepted that once you hit 13 you can ride shotgun. I, however, had other plans. After some discussions with my pediatrician, I understood that while it’s common practice for 13 to be the cutoff - it actually has more to do with bone development than age and weight. A child whose bones have not yet fused is more likely to be injured or killed in the front seat than an adult in the same position. Since I had no shortage of spaces in the car at this stage in my life, I opted to make him wait. The difference in his expectations and mine were a bit disappointing to him. But he adjusted and we’ve come to the understanding that he is going to wait until it’s more necessary and he’s gotten more of his growth underway. Had I set this expectation long before the milestone arrived, he would have had an even easier time with the end result, despite seeing his friends and even kids younger than him sitting in the front seat (I’ll have to keep my opinions on that to myself - just do the research, friends…look at the statistics they speak for themselves). 

My point here is not to lecture on safety - it’s about setting expectations. I’m noticing more and more that parents are bending to the whims of their kids because everyone else seems to be doing X (fill this blank however…some easy examples - getting their kids phones at a young age, sending their kids to sleep away camp…) but there’s no reason to become that parent. You are in control and you get to decide. Setting reasonable expectations for your kids doesn’t mean you are depriving them or giving them less. Sometimes less is truly more. If they know that in your family, kids get phones when they learn to drive - their expectation would not be to get a phone when all their friends may be. 

Back to pesach - In our house we don’t bargain for afikomen (I know, I hear some people shouting that takes away the fun) - we simply buy each child a gift before and they each get it at the Seder. I never liked the bargaining, wheedling or other upset over this - it has become a highlight for the kids that they know they’ll get a fun surprise. Yes, it’s different than the way most houses traditionally do it but no, they’re not getting any less or experiencing less. 

In terms of expectations for your Seder - this could be a post unto itself but just remember it’s about enjoying, having fun, imparting things to your children. If they feel pressured, forced to perform, stressed - you both may miss the point of the whole experience. 

And now back to that pesach prep I’m supposed to actually be doing…