How and What

 I’m noticing that parenting goes in phases. As I approach my 45th birthday this month, reflecting on the first half of this decade, I’m noticing a shift. My parenting devolved into chaos fairly quickly in phase 1. Between having 4 kids in under 6 years and a child battling a severe illness for years - I think phase 1 can best be defined by an attempt not to drown in the turbulent waters.  Phase 2 - where those kids began to grow, we transitioned to maintenance and understanding the long term effects of treatment - can best be described by a take control method. I wanted to be in charge of my own life, figure out how to make things work and recover and heal from the trauma of illness. I believe phase 3 began sometime in my 40s where I have begun to see there are so many amazing opportunities for growth and development if I take a back seat, listen and learn. In the spirit of that concept, I’ve been trying to listen, read and absorb as much as possible from any and every person I can to see what I can learn from them. One great find has been Dr Becky, a podcast parenting personality I discovered. I recently listened to something she put out about tweens and their specific issues and how to approach them. It was the type I wanted to stop running and takes notes!

I’ll have to recap some great pointers but the main idea that struck me as so on point was this - we need to teach our children how to think not what to think. 

Pause. Absorb. What a brilliant concept. 

We spend so much time telling our kids do this do that think this think that and we don’t even stop to consider that what we really need to be doing is giving them the tools to figure out what they think. They lack a lot of the life experience and cognitive skills that we have as adults, but they are so capable of absorbing the skills necessary to begin to think in specific ways. The best thing we can do for them is give them those tools without trying to indoctrinate them into thinking the same way we do.

She gave a lot of really good tips about how to talk to your kids about anything. For example, sometimes especially as kids get older it’s hard to sit down and just have a conversation with them because they find a lot of topics awkward. She suggested talking to them while driving in the car because there’s no eye contact. Sitting next to a kid who is doing art and just kind of having a discussion and make it be chill while doing another activity. She discussed open ended conversations where you listen to an issue or recognize a struggle your child is having and instead of giving them an answer - you pose the dilemma back to them in the form of a question (ie: who wins in that situation? Or what’s your next move?). To listen to this episode - Click here - there are so many more good tips. 

As always, remember there are not so many clear rights and wrongs in parenting as there are good processes and wins and learning experiences. Keep in mind you’re a great parent - you’re trying to be there for your kid and love them unconditionally and learn in the process. Every phase has its pros and cons so embrace them and take the wins.