Less is More

This is one of those weeks where so many different things made me think of this I just had to write something about it.

We’re about to spend another holiday in Corona-ville Reality, where usually we would be with friends and possibly family and now we are still on immediate family only.  For my family and a bunch of our friends there’s an extra little twinge this time as we normally go to the beach together to celebrate this one and personally I love the beach, it is my happy place. So I was thinking about facing this next holiday and realizing something that I have really learned from corona.

If I had to sum up the strongest lesson I have learned from this time it is that less is more.

Less is more when it comes to feeling like you have to please everyone and do everything all the time. Do what works. Say no when it makes sense.

Less is more when it comes to cooking huge meals for these holidays - a few good fan favorites make everyone happy. No need to go overboard all the time. (Note - if you like it, go for it, but if it adds stress don’t make yourself crazy).

Less is more when it comes to feeling the need to entertain constantly or have group activities all the time - your family is enough of a crowd to manage!

Less is more when lecturing your kids - they get it pretty fast and don’t want to hear more.

Less is more when it comes to critique - of yourself, your partner, your kids - everyone is trying their best.

Less is more when it comes to your reach in this world - you don’t need a thousand likes or readers or followers - if you touch one person, help ease their stress or make their day a bit better - you’ve changed the world in your way.

And as This holiday is starting in a few hours and I haven’t cooked yet - less writing is going to have to be more!

Happy Shavuos!

Milestones

Milestones are a special and unique time for all of us where we can celebrate an achievement or a life changing event. They’re usually times that are a mix of excitement, anticipation and some anxiety. When it came to these events, pre corona, there were a lot of details to attend to and practicals to worry about.  I thought it was worth discussing how we are all dealing with milestones in this unique time.

 

Things are very different now - most of the milestones your kids will experience this season will have a very different forum.  Graduations will be virtual.  Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are more likely to be caravans of people passing by outside your door then coming together to celebrate.  The entire experience is different.

 

It is easy to focus on the have nots in these situations - everyone is talking about what they won't be having.  But there is a lot of HAVEs in this as well, and it would do all of us a lot of good to think about them and focus on creating them.

 

No, you won't have typical, traditional milestones.  We won't watch them walk across the stage and accept their diplomas.  We won't see them get up in synagogue to lain/chant their portion of the Torah reading.  And I think it is ok to let that disappointment be discussed and felt.  And then move on.  Dwelling on what we aren't doing during this time of global illness and chaos won't do much positive for anyone. Keep perspective.

 

Once you have accepted that this is going to be different - make it unique.  Find ways to celebrate the child and the occasion which they would never otherwise have.  Create a socially distant celebration.  Enough with the Zooming...I think we're all over that...but there are so many ways to make their moment memorable.

 

How?  Here are a few ideas I've seen around which might help get your creative juices flowing -

 

• Order them (or the family) custom shirts or other memorabilia and wear them around on the day of your celebration (or the week of it).
• Make them a surprise milestone box - your box can be full of quarantine joke items about their milestone (I am creating an adorable high school graduation box for my daughter) or it can be a treasure box type.  For my wedding (and I believe my siblings had this as well) - my father gave my husband and I are treasure box filled with items he had collected throughout my childhood (notes we wrote, coins from places we visited, pictures from special moments, etc).  To this day I have that box in my closet and I take it out when I really miss him.
• Decorate - your house has now become party central - make it feel like it.  Hang banners, streamers, make posters - whatever you would have thought to do for them at their event - do it at home!
• Feast - no get together (or get alone...what do we call it these days) is complete without a feast! Get baking or cooking or grilling - make it feel like a special day.
• Find a way to include those people that mean the most to them.  Whether this means getting everyone to make video clips and making them their own personal video, or getting people to drop by outside to congratulate them - find ways to make them feel like everyone remembers their moment

It also pays to discuss the milestone in a more serious way with them.  Talk about what will change now (if the milestone comes with changes) and share how you felt when it was your time.  The anticipation over the future is only worse now that they feel their future is kind of ruined by this global pandemic and they aren't sure what will happen next (if anything at all).  My guess is that they probably feel more anxious than we do about when the world will reopen and if things will ever return to normal.  Transitioning from one stage to another is scary enough without the uncertainty of the world being in flux. 

 

I hope everyone can embrace these milestones and appreciate them in a different way than they ever expected.  Personally, I have a feeling these milestones will be the most remembered ones in their lives in many ways.  Not many people can turn to their grandchildren one day and say "I (fill in the blank) during a pandemic."

 

Congratulations on all the milestones you will witness with your children during this time - we will be virtually celebrating with you!

Masks

Everywhere we go these days we’re surrounded by people in masks.  Sometimes as I’m running through the park passing them I wonder who they are beneath those masks - I even write little storylines in my head of what they might be like by the way they smile or grimace as they pass me (eyes can show you a lot, and yes running solo can get boring I miss my running buddies a lot).

I wondered when I titled this post if people thought I was going to discuss Corona and the benefits of wearing masks or maybe the hierarchy (as my husband calls it) of the mask wearers versus the non mask wearers in the outdoor spaces. But I’m certainly not qualified to tell you when and where and how to apply these haphazard set of rules we’ve been given during this chaotic time. The masks brought to mind something which I think about often and decided was worth discussing.

Every one of us is constantly wearing many masks - juggling our various roles - parent, spouse, employee or employer, community member - you name it. It’s a common myth that women multitask better than men but studies show no one actually multitasks well - women just tend to take on more than men (sorry any males reading this, I read it in a science journal). Whatever the case is, my point is that we wear masks all the time - putting on whatever persona is needed to fill the role we are trying to fill at the given time. But all of this mask wearing around me makes me think of who I am beneath the mask?

When all the layers come off - when we have finished meeting every need of every person In our lives, who are we? Do any of us make the time to ask this question? There’s a pop song that asks “without you who am I?”

 Sometimes I sit back and I try and figure out the answers - what are my own dreams? Goals? What is going on inside independent of everyone else. This is such a hard thing to focus on in the chaos of family life but no less important than everything else.

I’ve written before about making time for yourself but this is different than finding time to pamper yourself or carve out quiet space - this is taking the time to think deeply about who you are and what you want. It’s counterintuitive because we think that being in a relationship or being the parents means thinking about everyone else before ourselves- but if we lose who we are and our entire existence becomes wrapped up in our roles - we lose a piece of ourselves in that. And sometimes we wake up too that late in the game and end up feeling very empty. You don’t want to look in the mirror one day and wonder who that person staring back really is.

And if you don’t like what you see - or parts of what you see - it’s never too late to change that. We’re dynamic flexible learning creatures.

And I wonder if we ever truly take the time to unmask ourselves.  Is there some space where we can be our raw selves, free of judgement, where we feel comfortable enough to take the mask off? Are we afraid to explore that piece, with all the successes and failures, pride and shame, completely raw for someone (or just ourselves) to see?

So...who are you without the mask?

Denial

Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt...the saying goes.

Some problems are so clear and so easy for us to identify that the idea that our child can’t see them seems impossible. Others are harder to conceptualize and even harder to accept. One of the hardest things you’ll have to do as a parent is accept a hard truth about your child and address it. Even harder, you will have to find a way to guide your child through the stages of denial and forward to a path of acceptance and change.

Let’s walk through this with a scenario because it’s just easier than talking in concepts.

At home, child X is shined on or, alternatively, doesn’t seek much extra attention. Maybe he’s the youngest and was babied a bit but you saw no harm in that or maybe he was always self sufficient. He doesn’t need to share much due to his placement in the family and you haven’t pushed him passed his boundaries in any significant way in that area - or maybe it was the opposite.  Or maybe you had a house with strict rules and he was in a place in the family where someone else always dominated over him.

Whatever the case, from your point of view, he seems like a good kid.

Now fast forward and you’re somewhere in early elementary, teachers are tiptoeing around in conferences about some behavior they’re seeing and talk they’re overhearing. Your son seems to be “dominating” in certain areas. Maybe you’re glad to hear he stands up for himself. Maybe it doesn’t occur to you they don’t know how to tell you he’s actually bullying other kids. Or Maybe they’re telling you directly and you’re writing them off in your head as over exaggerating. The conferences get a bit more direct over the years but before you know it you turn around and you have a middle school bully - full blown. By now, other parents are talking among themselves for years about your kid but no one knows quite how to tell you the facts.

Let’s face it - no one wants to hear or accept that their child is a bully. But face it we must!

So let’s take this apart a little.

First, it is not your fault that your child (fill in the blank here - “ is a bully” “ has a phobia” “ has an eating disorder” - any number of things can go here). Yes, there are always pieces of things you could have done differently but none of those guarantees that the outcome would not be what it is. Yes, everything we do has some affect on things but some things just are. Kids are humans with personalities and traits. We have to guide them and steer them and do our best to mold them but they are independent people. There’s no question some things could have (and maybe should have) been done different, but things are what they are and wishing the past could change won’t  resolve anything other than making you feel guilty. So let go of the past and look at the present and future when dealing with a situation. That is the first and most important step in facing any issue.

Second, until you face whatever the truth of the issue is - your child cannot. It is difficult to accept that something real is happening with our child. Small things we all own up to on the daily (they don’t help, they leave huge messes, you name it) but big issues, real issues that go deep - personality flaws that have to be changed, learning issues that will affect them long term, addictions, mental health issues - these are hard to face and easy to ignore. If you’ve never experienced a significant issue with a child (yet, hopefully you won’t) it’s hard to imagine ignoring it - but it’s less of ignoring and more of a blindness. We all have a blindness to our children’s issues - it’s part of the way we love them so much (if they weren’t so cute when they were little we would probably eat our young like some animals do). But these blinders have to come off at times and we have to accept that there is an issue. Until we do, our child can’t face it.

The last piece of this process is helping our child accept their truth. This is by far the hardest. It requires a very individual approach. I can’t tell you how to make your child see it because each child is unique. Some need a very direct approach - they need to be sat down and told the truth of what is happening. Others need to be gently nudged around the edges until they can come forward with their truth (most of them know it, they just need the right conditions to be able to admit it). Whatever the approach is, there are a few ways to ease the blow. Make sure you don’t blame them for the issue - outline the facts but don’t make them feel like a bad guy. Stress your team approach - they’re not alone in facing this issue, you will help them and be there for them. And focus on the positive - they are a great person and this is one issue - this doesn’t define them. They are not a bully - they are acting in a certain way. They are strong and smart and kind and giving (keep the praises coming) and all those good things will help them overcome.

And have plan ideas ready for actual steps to take to help them once they have accepted their truth. But that is something for another (or maybe from a past) discussion.

No issue is too big to face, it’s the idea of facing it which is usually the hardest part.

The Unsung Heroes

I have big ideas for things to discuss this week but I wanted to put out a quick Mother’s Day post - an ode to the unsung heroes:

For the days when you are noticed and all the days you’re not...

From day 1 something changed And your focus moved from within to without 

The toddler tantrums turned into teenager rants and believe me it is all real

But you endure and you keep giving cuz that’s what moms do 

Food that appears in the house when no one was in the mood to shop

Laundry loads that miraculously get done and put back in drawers 

Dinner that happens no matter whether you were inspired to cook 

But you endure and you keep giving cuz that’s what moms do 

The epitome of a multitasker - no matter how many things you’re in the middle of, you’ll stop to help with the urgent need or question 

There’s never been a finder like you - when things are desperate and they have “looked everywhere” - one glance from you and the item is found 

But you endure and you keep giving cuz that’s what moms do 

You are there for everyone and for their every need 

Tolerate the messes for the sake of creativity 

You Nurture ideas and foster kindness 

And you endure and you keep giving cuz that’s what moms do 

The moments where they come for a hug or to share a problem make it worth it 

Depending on the age and stage, they may be rare but they make it worth it 

You keep loving, keep learning, fine tune your methods ...

Cuz you’re a mom and that’s what moms do. 

Happy Mother’s Day!

Thinking Ahead

Most of us are taking these days one at a time. The idea of planning right now seems both terrifying and counter productive. And yet we need to plan a little or we may find ourselves stuck in June with no idea of what to do with the kids for the summer. At this point, our world is in limbo in more ways than we can count. Summer camps may or may not open. I received a request this week from a reader asking for some Camp Mommy ideas for those of you who may now find yourself unexpectedly running one.

First, see this original Camp Mommy Post for some thoughts on summertime with the kids. That was from 2019, far before we knew what the word Corona meant and before Social Distancing was part of every child’s vocabulary. So I’m going to dedicate this post to updating Camp Mommy for quarantine life.

Before I begin, I still strongly feel that some type of daily schedule makes life more manageable - especially with younger kids. It doesn’t need to be a highly regimented routine but a basic sketch of the day makes things easier to manage and provides the kids who need some school-type structure with a framework for their day.

Posters with the daily “camp” schedule can help for kids who need that. It doesn’t need times on it (though they can’t hurt for kids that thrive on that) - and leave slots for “special activity” times where you can switch things up each day.

First, get online and make a big order from the art store. You’re going to need a supply of the basics - markers, crayons, poster board, sketch books, paint, glitter (if you dare). Pipe cleaners. Think about what a normal art room at school has and get enough. If you have a space in the basement or somewhere in the house that can be dedicated to keeping it organized and out of your way that’s ideal, if not try housing it in a few boxes in your laundry or utility room.

There is so much art to be done. Kids love to get messy and creative. If you can handle the mess, I would encourage you to integrate projects into at least two days a week. Everything in their world can be turned into art, from their names to your house to anything you can think of. We used to go to the zoo with sketch pads and draw the animals. Many of the big zoos in the world have online portals to watch the animals while they’re closed. Log onto one and let them draw what they see. Being confined to home doesn’t mean they can’t experience the world. They’ll just experience it differently.

Obviously, if things are still the way they are now, an actual trip day is a no go. So get creative. Once a week, create a virtual trip. You don’t need a computer or more screen time for the kids to do this (though it might help to let them take a Google Earth hop over to wherever the destination may be), but you can still create a place for a day.

Since distance is no longer relevant, pick great places. 

Take them to Paris for a trip day. Create an Eiffel Tower. Bake French bread (for anyone who has never been to Paris, the fresh bread is ridiculous- and I’m not even a bread lover). Print out a famous painting from the Louvre and have them repaint it (yes, even small kids can participate, who doesn’t love painting??).

Travel to Istanbul and visit the bazaar - create your own indoor market and let them be the sellers and the buyers. They can create their own market stalls and sell their wares.

Visit the Rocky Mountains. Couch pillows can be stacked to create the hike of their dreams. Get HUGE rolls of paper and have them draw the scenery. Print out maps and show them how to plan a hiking or driving route. You get the idea. Be flexible about the mess (build in time to clean it up).

I’m not sure what the status of outdoor trips will be - but most neighborhoods have some sort of walking or hiking trails. Find them. Go at weird hours so you don’t have to worry about crowding paths (walking in our trails after 4 has become a social distancing nightmare). For the kids who are reluctant to walk, bring treats. I’m not usually one to push sugar but these times are extreme and a little extra treat never killed anyone.

We also don’t know what the pool story will be so plan for some at home water time. Most hoses can be hooked up to sprinklers. Think Slip n Slides. Kiddy pools can help with cooling down even for bigger kids. If you have a slide in your backyard, you can get a long enough hose and make it into a water slide. Your grass may be muddier this year than ever but again, we have to be flexible.

If possible, invest in something new for your yard. It doesn’t have to be a big purchase (unless you were in the market for a new playhouse or swing set) but even something smaller like a hammock can transform your yard. Wait to put it out until school is over - new items get the most traction the first few weeks of their existence.

Some kids love to play pretend and all you need to do is supply them with an idea and they’re off in their imaginations, others will need more prodding or more hands on to make it enjoyable. I think it’s key to let go of your orderly house and structure for this to be a successful endeavor. Don’t give up on having a clean house, I’m never the person who will tell you to look at my messy house and see the happy kids, but some level of flexibility will make it a much more enjoyable experience for everyone. And like I said in my original post, build in time for cleanup and regular life chores. Luckily during quarantine, shopping with the kids is not an option (silver lining) but there are still plenty of things in the house that need taking care of and the cooking and cleanup don’t do themselves.

For those of us who have to work while managing a house full of kids - well that might need to be the subject of a whole different post :)

As much or little as your kids may have some school structure now, there will be a void once school is done and the days are just open. If we do find ourselves still quarantined at that
Point, you’ll probably be glad you thought ahead a bit and were prepared with ideas and supplies to manage a summer with a very different format than you may have expected.

Good luck!!!!

In this Together?

First, I have to thank everyone for their positive feedback lately - it makes me feel so good knowing that we can support each other through these challenging times especially. Keep it coming! And please feel free to repost anywhere it might be helpful to other people!

Today’s post was inspired by a conversation this weekend with a friend who made a really good point. Everyone is discussing being home with their kids and how to manage it/make the most of it/keep our sanity with it etc. But there hasn’t been so much discussion around how the current reality impacts our relationship with our partner. There’s a whole new dynamic playing out in every household and most of us are too busy getting through the days and weeks to stop and examine what is happening and figure out how to best do this together with our partners.

To start off - it doesn’t matter if you’re both working, neither working, or one parent is working and the other is not - we are all still stuck home with our family 24/7 and everyone needs some off time. The “old” ideas of one parent being in charge of parenting duties while the other takes care of supporting the family just doesn’t apply. Even if that was your modus operandi before this began, it’s gotta change. Being aware of the added stress that this situation introduces into our houses and finding supportive ways to help each other through it will leave us all a lot more sane.  If your partner isn’t available during the working hours because their type of work doesn’t have the flexibility of “background noise” and you’re managing the kids and their online school (and possibly your own work) - make sure to be clear about what you need help with “after hours” - making dinner alone or passing on the cooking so you get some time to decompress, time outdoors - whatever it is, be honest.  Need them to manage laundry or cleanup since you’re on all day with the kids? Be creative. If met with resistance since what you’re asking isn’t in their normal repertoire- turn the idea back at them - how can you help in a way that’s manageable for you but leaves less on my plate?

Communication, a necessity at any point in a relationship, has taken on a whole new level of meaning these days. No one can read your mind, even if you’ve been with them for what seems like forever. Be open and vocal about what you need to be supported during this and listen when they do the same. At least half of the fights and disagreements you are having with your partner could have been avoided (I’m guessing) by being up front and clear with them about your needs. It’s ok to say “it’s been raining for three days and I’m feeling down - I need some alone time” - we don’t have to be strong and calm every day. We just need them to know when we’re not.

If you’re at the stage where there are kids old enough to stay home alone or babysit - get out alone. A walk serves as a perfect date these days - you’re away from kids (maybe even make discussing them off limits) and it will give you some time to take a break from being parents and just get to be adults.

If you’re not at that stage yet - make a stay at home date. Either put the kids to bed a little early one night or get creative with the kids who are almost old enough to help out but not quite and make some space for yourselves. It’s hard but possible.  And definitely make times for you each to get out alone. If you can’t be together, at least be supporting each others needs to have some space and time.

One real key to managing during this chaos is honesty. It’s a hard thing to admit when we are overwhelmed but it is crucial. And catching it before it’s too late is key to avoiding a Mommy (or Daddy) Meltdown. We are all entitled to a couple - desperate times and all - but we’ll feel better if we support each other and avoid getting to that point.

It’s definitely a new frontier these days. There is no wrong or right way to manage. Like any other stressful situation- it can bring us closer together or tear us apart (an ICU nurse at Children’s gave me that speech many eons ago when we were stuck there under tremendous stress). But if we take the time to think through our partnership and discuss it, I believe we’ll come out stronger and with a new level of confidence in our relationships.

Trapped with Teens ... Help!

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has had my rough days with teenage attitude trapping me in a house where we’re all already trapped. There are days when they keep a lid on it and we’re all grateful and there are days they’re cheery and full of energy. And then there are days when they’re full on psycho teenagers. And to be honest, I think that’s kind of the new normal. For those of you with smaller kids, replace psycho with meltdown and it all feels the same.

Sometimes it helps to put things into perspective.

Kids are very social creatures. Even the most social adult doesn’t compare to the lifestyle of being a kid. You spend most of your waking hours with your friends - you’re in school together all day and then often participate in after school sports, hang out with friends, do community service together. Even as adults who enjoy a nice social life, the realities of being an adult don’t allow for that level of socialization. So while we are struggling with this lockdown (and the struggle is real), I believe they’re having a much rougher time.

I completely understand that they create avenues to socialize (endless hours of FaceTime and Hangouts)... Yes, some of them are taking “social distance” walks or porch visits ...  but I don’t believe it has the same effect. And even though they’re not toddlers anymore, most people struggle with transitions.

None of which makes it easier to be on the receiving end of their frustration.

For me, on the days when I can handle it and keep a level head, a few tactics have helped me. Most of these we have discussed in the past but reminders can’t hurt.

• Don’t engage.  They’re bored and waiting for you to take the bait.  Don’t give them the satisfaction of engaging in an argument that is useless and likely to end in anger or tears.
• Keep it brief - you don’t need to ignore them but a short and simple answer to whatever the issue is enough.  “No we aren’t making cookies now, I just cleaned the kitchen” - it doesn’t need to be a negotiation or long winded discussion.
• Walk away - if they can’t respect the answers you’re giving and they feel the need to keep pushing, just walk away.  You may not be able to get away, but we all have a bedroom or an office.  Feel free to lock your door!

The simplest way to shorten a teenage episode is to disengage. It’s way easier said than done but usually with a little time they come to realize they’re not being exactly fair. And if they don’t it is way easier to discuss after the heat of the moment passes. 

Remember, in most places it’s still ok to walk outside (even in the rain, we don’t melt) - a little fresh air and a break does anyone good. Take care of yourself, be healthy, stay safe and sane. 

Pressure

Scroll through any social media feed these days and you see one person after another urging you to make memories with your kids during these crazy times, accomplish great things, make this a time to remember more than a world in the grip of a terrible disease with sickness and death all around. I don’t know about anyone else but people, enough already!

One podcast I listened to on a recent run had one woman saying that if she “accomplished” not killing anyone in her house this would be a successful time in her mind - and I could seriously relate.

Yes, we are all doing our best here but we don’t need this added pressure to do something great - be real - we are stuck at home 24/7 with few outlets or social interactions. Most parents are spending their days juggling online work, online school and keeping a passable house while putting food on the table nonstop. And loads of people are facing serious financial challenges doing it. These are crazy times.

All of this got me thinking about pressure. There is so much pressure in life - for us and our kids - we don’t always take a step back to appreciate it. There’s pressure to keep up a certain standard of living, to send our children to certain schools, to be at our best at all times to be role models to the kids, to be patient and supportive partners - the list goes on and on. Our kids face tremendous pressure in their lives as well. At every stage there’s school and peer pressure. There’s choices and challenges for them to make and navigate. And I started to mull over how to best handle the pressure without letting it make your choices for you. Without letting it define you.

I think it’s essential to remember what the source of pressure really is in order to understand how to mitigate it. The only pressure that really exists is one which we put on ourselves. That is a bitter pill to swallow since most people believe that the external pressure is not a choice. I believe it is always a choice. You get to decide what your priorities are and execute on those. You do not have to conform to anyone else’s belief about how to live your best life. It sounds like someone’s instagram quote of the day but it is really the truth if you can take a step back and be honest with yourself.

If you truly believe and accept that you are the only person who determines what level of importance items take on in your life - and believe and embrace it deep down not just with meaningless words or platitudes- then pressure takes on a completely different meaning. You can decide what to “pressure” yourself about. You can help your children navigate the “pressure” all around. You can transform the pressure into motivation to be your better self.

Redefine pressure. 

So do we have external pressures? They exist but we can define how much importance we give them.  Help your children (and yourself) by discussing them. Put them into perspective and decide which are pressures you want to impose upon yourself and which are not worth your time. Back it up with actions. If they hear you saying that it doesn’t matter if someone else did X and then you insist on doing it also - they get crossed signals.

I decided long ago not to be a part of the fashion pressure in the world. It didn’t hold enough importance to me to feel the need to waste money season after season to buy the latest and greatest clothes. When I need new clothes, I get them. But I don’t care if my dress is “so last year.”  I don’t force my teens to keep to that standard - but I also don’t give in to their constant shopping pressure. They get to buy the things they need and then if they want additional things (I’m sure everyone has that teen who just must have the latest and greatest shoe trend) then they have to buy it themselves. It is self imposed pressure and it’s ok if they decide to make it a priority but I don’t have to endorse it by funding it.

I put huge pressures on myself as a mom to be everything for everyone at home - and usually it blows up in my face as I wear myself down and am not very useful to anyone. It’s a work in progress. I’m constantly redefining what pressures I want in my world. And I struggle against the external pressures to put them in perspective. But if we aren’t aware of it we can’t change it.

In a recent discussion with a friend, she was sort of negating an effort she made in her running (“I just did 2 miles it wasn’t a real run”) and I reminded her that every time you put one foot in front of the other it is a run. I think that’s critical here - we need to stop allowing the pressure of what everyone else is doing to define our achievements and frame our pressures. Her running two miles is no less vital than someone else’s ten - she got herself out, moved and made exercise a priority. And not being at your pinnacle doesn’t mean you didn’t accomplish.

We are our worst enemy or our own best friend - just decide which side you want to be on and pressure yourself to be the best you.

As for Corona, the good memories will be there if you don’t force them. And having a bad day here or there or melting down once in a while won’t take them away. Neither will putting your foot down about not bouncing a ball in the house or kvetching that the kids aren’t helping enough. Just don’t make those the main discussions - let them be side talk. Relax and try to stay sane. NO PRESSURE...ha!

Confidence

As we navigate this new normal that has become our daily lives, I’m sure I’m not the only one who is struggling with feeling confident and competent to deal with the new challenges it poses. I’m watching my children as they adapt to a completely different way of learning. I’m attempting to keep afloat with my own work and it’s demands while being there for them, attempting to stay patient with a multitude of interruptions, all the while juggling a busier house and constant mess and activity around. It’s a lot and we’re all doing our best. After my mommy meltdown last weekend, where the straw just broke this camels back, I needed some reset time to think about how I can feel more like my old, confident self who had way more patience and bandwidth, who could confidently say I’m the mom and I got this.

On a recent run, with no music to keep me company, I found a podcast I’ve been enjoying called “Lift your Legacy” by Jacob Rupp. In the episode, he was discussing how to build confidence and I appreciated his approach. I think it speaks to both parenting and how to help our children build confidence in their abilities. His main idea was that confidence isn’t an all or nothing - you aren’t lacking confidence if you are weak in one area and strong in another. Confidence is basically a mindset. If instead of thinking of yourself as confident or not confident, you think of a specific area where you are stronger or weaker, you can build that area and then conquer the next area. And he suggested doing so in stages. Just like any other area in our lives we want to work on - if you bite off more than you can chew it’s more likely you’ll fail or give up.

So how can we put this into practice with ourselves or our kids?

I’ll use this online school as a starting point....

 Some of the kids feel completely confident in their tech skills or independent learning abilities and just hit the road running. Others are likely coming to you every five or ten minutes with a “can you...for me” request. Resist the urge to do it for them. Turn the request back to them. Ask how they think it should be done. Heap on the praise when they figure it out. If they can’t, do your best to take them through it step by step and then push back again the next time. They will quickly learn they can do it themselves if you give them the chance.

I’ve noticed my first grader sitting with her hand raised waiting often to be called on. At the beginning she seemed so frustrated because she wasn’t noticed. I realized at some point that it’s very difficult with the Zoom platform for the teachers to be doing all this multitasking. They need to be watching so many screens and navigating their own tech while showing materials - of course it’s hard to notice who is raising their hands. So I reminded her that it wasn’t about the fact they are ignoring her - it was about the difficult setup that they’re managing. Sometimes confidence dictates that we realize it’s not about us. We have this, but the situation doesn’t always allow us to shine. Perspective helps define things and if we employ it, it will help build confidence.

As for building confidence parenting, like any other area in our life, pick one area where you don’t feel confident and build a plan for those situations. Personally, I’m struggling with the teenage stage. I always felt relatively  confident with younger kids. But give me an angry teen and I’m ready to cower in the corner. The debates and attack on character can be exhausting. So how can I feel more confident when dealing with them? I’m attempting to build my arguments before beginning conversations with them. Trying to react on the fly to some upset or challenge they’re bringing at me  usually ends in frustration. Forcing them to respect my need for time to think before discussing their latest “pressing need” gives me time to think about the situation and decide how I want to approach it. They can’t yet appreciate that skill since we live in the generation of the here and now, but I hope one day they’ll look back and realize that the conversations they had to wait for were far more productive. And I end up feeling more confident in my approach because I had time to think.

To simplify -
- break it down - find one area to work on at a time
- push back - take ownership to build each skill
- keep perspective
- make a plan and keep to it
- praise, praise, praise - yourself and your kids!

Building confidence is a process that takes time and patience with ourselves. No great thing in life was accomplished quickly. We all watch far too much TV which portrays “aha” moments where one conversation just broke through a barrier and changed everything. Real life doesn’t work that way. Every time we succeed in an area in our life in any small way, it’s like one brick that is laid to build a house. Eventually, you’ll have your dream house, but it’ll take time and work to get there. Be kind to yourself in the process. Be kind to your kids in their process. Reward all your progress and that in and of itself will help them (and you) see the successes as they come.

Dayeinu! Isn’t it Enough?

We just finished Passover, the holiday that transitions us from a slave nation to free people, able to worship G-d in our own manner. There’s a famous song at the end of the Passover Seder that says “dayeinu” - it would have been enough. It goes through step by step of each thing that G-d did for us and says if that alone was all He had done it would have been enough. At our Seder, the first year in a long time we weren’t with a table full of relatives or friends, I brought up a thought on this idea. If we had only learned social distancing but hadn’t had to quarantine and lock down - it would have been enough. We would have learned a lesson. If we had quarantine and covering up in public, it would have been enough to learn a lesson. Every additional layer of restrictions we are given - we learn just how nice that old freedom was. And we see how important it is for us to appreciate every small aspect of our lives.

Coronavirus- and in general a worldwide pandemic- has definitely put a lot into perspective. We can look at the world with a new lens. We can see and appreciate the things in our lives we have lost focus on. But it is also kind of enough at this point. There’s a pop song with the lyrics I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you” - sometimes that is kind of how I feel these days.

I hate corona because it is making us live in fear. We are scared for our relatives and friends, we want everyone to just be safe and healthy.

I don’t hate that I have been forced to have extended time alone with my family - and yet I hate that we are all stuck together with no outlets so that one persons bad mood can really affect the entire house.

I hate corona because it isn’t allowing us to see friends normally and interact - and yet I like that all the pressure of  getting things just so for other people is gone for now.

I love that the world has gotten some priorities in order and set people straight about what is and isn’t important in our lives. I hate that it comes at such a price.

How does any of this relate to parenting? Especially parenting teens? It doesn’t. I’m finding it a particularly difficult time to enforce rules.  I never expected to be fighting with my kids about what is and isn’t essential to run to the grocery store for (candy? No!). Struggling over what types of outdoor social distance visiting is appropriate.  These are new and scary challenges - trying to stress the urgency of what is happening without seeming alarmist. Hoping and praying they won’t learn to take it seriously by it hitting too close to home.

 The states are adding restrictions by the week and yet how are we, as parents, supposed to enforce them?  Today I have more questions than answers.

What I can say is this - this is a new era. I don’t know what will be after corona - but like 9/11 - things won’t look the same. Everyone theorizes about what is and isn’t “dead” post corona - will we shake hands ever again? Will we have movie theaters? Will we all make it our new norm to grocery shop in gloves ? Who knows.

Right now I’m just fighting to stay sane every day. To take it as it comes. To try and give everyone space now and then since we all need some. Wishing just a little they’d give me that same space when it all becomes too much and we just need to breathe. And doing my best to enjoy the times when they’re all happy to sit down and play a game together to pass the time.

A Different Kind of Holiday

A Different Kind of Holiday

This post is dedicated to my mom, may she live and be well and stay far away from Coronavirus!

As the world remains shuttered attempting to stop the pandemic sweeping the globe, Jews around the world prepare for a very different type of Seder.  Many people will be making the holiday for the very first time. Tables that usually have 20 or 30 people will be immediate family only. Still others will be sitting solo (or hopefully on the porch, weather permitting) to keep a safe distance away from possible spread.

So how can we infuse this holiday with a special feeling? Keep it uplifting and joyous despite the circumstances?

Growing up Pesach preparations began in my house around January. No, that was not a typo. My mom is a super planner and we started our clean out early. By the time other people were beginning to clean, we were already hard at work cooking for a week filled with family and fun. Pesach was a great time in our house. Everyone came together - we were at least 20 or more for every meal for an entire week.  It was chaotic and fun and a lot of work.  My mom prepared like you’ve never experienced. Pots of soup til the store almost ran out of soup vegetables. Pounds and pounds of potatoes and onions. So many potato kugels you lost count, all hand grated of course. And then the holiday began.  My mom did all the work in the background but my Dad ran the Seder. He loved having everyone gathering and involving the kids and adults. No reading from your papers, that was a rule. If you knew the commentary well enough to say it without notes you could contribute to the conversation. Hiding the afikomen was the best scavenger hunt we ever experienced. All in all, we loved the holiday.

And now we fast forward to a year where it seems so much of that is being changed. But I believe we can infuse this holiday with a different type of meaning and experience. For once, we are not allowed to invite guests. We must focus just on our own immediate family. For eight days straight. Challenging? Most definitely. Possible? Of course!

Create your own traditions - pick something new you are going to try this year and introduce it at the Seder. There are so many great ideas out there - one of my brother in laws gets marshmallows for the Seder and tosses them as rewards to the kids for their questions and involvement. Make kits of the ten plagues and get involved! Ever seen the leek fighting tradition the sefardím have? Look it up, it’s great fun! We usually have one Seder with friends and they make it so exciting - Egyptian dress up, the four questions in every language, and loads of games and riddles.

For the rest of the holiday - Make it exciting! How?
- buy a new game that you’ve never played and make some family game time on those long holiday afternoons
- walk to the forest or gardens nearby if you have and enjoy the fresh air

As for the grandparents who are missing that time with their family and have to be solo - send them something to enjoy from afar.  Cards, letters, a new picture album. If you need other ideas, comment below with your email and I can send specifics of Pesach related ones.

Yes this is going to be a different type of holiday - but different isn’t always bad - sometimes it’s just new. Choose to make this exciting different!

Coronavirus Chaos

This week I’m just going totally off script and doing something different.

We’re in the midst of absolute chaos. Our world has ground to a halt. So much has changed so quickly it’s almost impossible to keep up with. A virus is sweeping through our world and everyone is doing whatever they can to stop it in its tracks. It’s kind of like we woke up one day in the middle of a movie. If I were watching it I might even say the plot is not believable enough and who thought of this script?

As for our little world of home...My daughters senior year in high school has basically now been cancelled. Two of my college age kids have the rest of the semester home. And the rest go to school virtually. We’re juggling 8 virtual realities in one house and some things are amazing and some completely overwhelming.

So today I just wanted to share different things I have thought/felt/heard/seen/experienced which may help you get through:

- Man Plans and G-d laughs has taken on a whole new level of meaning
- There’s a whole lot of darkness around us but a whole lot of light left inside
- Take a step back at some point and realize this too shall pass
- It’s ok to complain some of the time - these days are long and there are a lot of people in small spaces
- Time has sort of lost its meaning in a way. When you’re home almost all the time and have nowhere to go it just doesn’t seem to matter much if you have dinner ready at 6 or 8...maybe that’s just at my house
- Move as much as possible - I ran a spontaneous half marathon this week because it meant more time in the fresh air!
- One of my sons decided we have so much time together all day he went on strike against family dinner the first week. Too much together time. We let it be but he’s back at the table now.
- My youngest doesn’t love virtual school - she misses the regular routine. Her teacher made a one on one zoom call to just hang out with her.
- I think a little levity about the situation is ok - it relieves the stress and anxiety. Yes it’s awful and people are suffering but it’s also a lot of change and restrictions for everyone and sometimes humor can get you thru.  Tasteful humor of course.
- A few weeks ago we didn’t even know what social distancing was, now it’s a household word
- There’s so much kindness in the world - we just have to tap into it.
- Everyone seems to be taking different approaches to this but I’m amazed at the lessons people are learning from this experience.  Two examples:
     - We have to value our earth more - look how the pollution has gone down since we have ground to a halt. Maybe we need to treat it better.
     - Family time and the family unit is being revived - we were so busy going out and doing things we might have forgotten that there’s so much to be gained right in our own houses
- It’s spring and I’m amazed watching the world burst into bloom oblivious of the chaos within it
- Small things are huge sometimes. Running last week, this woman was driving up and down the road near the path blasting music and cheering - her friends race was cancelled and she decided to simulate it for her. We all made her a finish line to cross.

To sum it up, these are crazy times. I believe this will be that moment for our kids. Every person I know remembers what they were doing on 9/11 when they heard the news. Different generations remember the moment they heard Kennedy was shot. Anyone in the DC area vividly remembers the sniper. This is a time our kids are going to reflect on as adults and remember. I think it pays to add some good memories to this experience- I’m hoping my 6 year old remembers that we went out on her bike every day and I jogged next to her as we took in the sights and breathed the fresh air. I hope my older kids will remember cousin Zoom calls where my family at large virtually hung out. And long Shabbos afternoons where we played every game in our closet. Mostly, I hope we all stay healthy and make it safely to the other side.

Attitude of Gratitude

I think it’s safe to say we are living through unprecedented times. The entire world is in chaos. Our schools and institutions are shut down. Public places are shuttered. The world is at a standstill while a new and dangerous virus terrorizes multiple continents.

At times like these it is easy to spiral into negativity. There is a lot to be worried about. A lot of mistakes will be made. No one knows exactly what to do or how to handle things.  The learning curve is steep and there are already so many missteps we are watching play out.

And yet  there is also a lot to be grateful for. I think we all need to take a pause and shift gears to an attitude of gratitude. If our kids witness us finding the good, especially in times like this, they will look for the good.

Take a few examples from this past week:

I’m amazed when I take a minute to contemplate what has gone on. Last Thursday the governor announced the closing of all public schools and asked private schools to close as well. Immediately our school went into action - and here we are, less than one week later, with a virtual school platform set up and ready to go. Will there be hiccups? I’m sure. Will some things fall through the cracks and get messed up? For sure. But we can’t focus on those things - we have to step back and be amazed at the sheer ingenuity and creativity of the staff. Are the people who have to work from home while guiding their children through this time going to feel some stress? YES but that is not the focal point. The discussions should revolve around the accomplishments and the flexibility. It’s all a matter of where we choose to place the emphasis.

Our synagogue realized it couldn’t hold services in person and within a day the emails were coming with daily learning schedules, prayer times, uplifting videos. Throughout the world Zoom meetings have become the new norm and the praying and learning continued.  Do we feel discombobulated and unbalanced taking away our central hub for religious activities? Of course. But again not the focus.

So many people are stuck home with their families and no other contact. It is stressful. It is also special. They may not be able to appreciate that part but we can try.

We are (hopefully) healthy, our houses have food, we have community. We are blessed with plenty. Try not to focus on the things we don’t have or what we’ve run out of or didn’t stock up on, look at your full cabinets and be grateful.

And like most things, we can lecture them about this from here until next yesterday but if they hear our discussions and we are always finding something to criticize they will follow suit.

So yes, there are loads of issues and challenges. We are not going to be able to keep our panic at bay, our tempers even and happy smiles at all times. But we can try our best to keep an upbeat mood and to focus on what’s going right more than what is wrong. On the accomplishments of our leaders, community, and whoever else instead of our collective mistakes.

Fear

Everyone has fears - sometimes we know what they are very clearly and other times they come at us so suddenly they take us by surprise. A few years ago I had to get an MRI and they asked me if I was claustrophobic and I confidently answered that I was not. Little did I realize what being inside such an enclosed space would feel like. I remember going in totally calmly, opening my eyes and seeing the machine in front of my face and feeling such a complete sense of panic like the walls were closing in on me. It was totally irrational and yet very real. I made them take me out and flip me around to the open side and I managed but with truly great effort and a totally mental game playing out inside my head.

When our kids face fear it is easy to brush it off and tell them it’s nothing - but I’m not sure that’s the best approach to deal with fear.  I feel like we may have discussed this directly and certainly we’ve touched on it in many different ways but I wasn’t sure if we’ve ever discussed the full fear approach so I figured it was probably worth a post.

First and foremost - when dealing with fear - it is important to identify it. Things you don’t name are far scarier than what you can define. We have a book called The Popup Book of Phobias which actually has main fears defined with pop out illustrations. It’s humorous and diffuses some of the fear around fear. Fears have names and we shouldn’t be afraid to use them.

After you’ve defined what it is you are scared of - try to get to the WHY of it. What is it about the dark that scares you? Why do you feel scared when the teacher calls on you in class? Understanding what prompts the fear helps you talk to the kids about the underlying issues. Sometimes this is all they need to understand there’s nothing to be scared of. But often it just helps them understand and process the fear. Over time they may be able to get rid of it because of the knowledge but not often immediately.

After you’ve defined and understood the fear - you have to take the hard steps of confronting it. Yes, avoidance is easier - but far less helpful. There are some things they will outgrow and delaying confrontation of those fears is totally within reason. But for those things they won’t outgrow, or outgrowing will take too long and cause them (and you) far too much upset and anxiety- and for all those other fears - confrontation is a necessary evil. It actually will make them stronger in the long run.

Make a plan for how they can deal with the fearful situation:

 Scared of the dark? Can a nightlight help until logic kicks in? Can you help them close their eyes and imagine light imagery? Walk around the room in the dark and let them feel the same objects they feel in the light and identify them?

Terrified of shots ? Teach them some breathing, teach them the trick of pressing a different spot to refocus their attention, and choose something beforehand to reward them for their effort.

Last bit of the fear approach - try your best not to let your own fears fuel theirs. Don’t give them more to be worried about. You’re the adult - appear strong and confident if possible. Even if inside you’re terrified, find your mask.

Every fear has a basis and can be dealt with - it takes discussion, a plan and time. I myself have needed repeat MRIs and I psych myself up, take something to stay calm, and keep my eyes closed in that machine.  I do not look forward to them but I do cope with them.  I guess we all have to grow up sometime.

Plan But Don’t Panic

The world is going fairly crazy over the Coronavirus - and I get it, these things are scary and overwhelming. I’m not a Doctor or a scientist but I’ve read enough to realize that for most people it isn’t dangerous. For the people it is dangerous for, it’s really dangerous. Obviously I don’t have the credentials or the expertise to advise people about when to panic or how to prevent the illness or the spread - what I wanted to discuss very briefly is about planning for the extreme without panic.

Last week in my house we were making a Costco list and deciding what items we needed in case of a quarantine. One of my older daughters expertly pointed out that even in that scenario, Instacart still functions (we hope) so she felt there was no need - but the planner in me didn’t want to be stuck with no cereal or staples if we somehow ended up locked at home. What I didn’t realize was how freaked out my 5th grader would become from the discussion. Apparently, between the news, school discussions and this - he was getting really scared.

So we had the following talk - and I’m sharing it in case it helps anyone else decide how to approach this unique situation with their children. I told him the following. We don’t expect a house fire but we put a plan in place to deal with it. We talk to our kids about how to get out if we’re trapped, what to do and where to be. We are not panicked or paranoid about whether we’ll have a fire, we are just planning. I explained that the same was true here - we don’t expect to get this virus, if we do get it, we aren’t even super worried about how sick it will make us - only that we might share it with someone else who is in a higher risk category. And that is why we need a plan - just in case we are secluded and have two weeks without leaving home. It’s not a panic, it’s a plan.

In general, I think we have to diffuse the fear about situations by arming kids with knowledge. Those things we can’t define or understand are always scarier than what we can name and have decisive steps to protect against.

Good luck and stay healthy!

None of These Things is Quite Like the Other

We all compare. We say we don’t but let’s face it - everyone does. We try our best not to and yet we still do. We compare ourselves to other people. We compare our kids to other people’s kids. We compare our kids to each other. I think it’s good to get the facts straight and admit this to ourselves. I think it’s also important to acknowledge it and realize it needs to end somewhere.

I don’t know how much we’ve talked about my life but let’s say my first few years of raising kids were atypical. Having my oldest daughter diagnosed with a brain tumor before the age of 1 while being six months pregnant with #2 comes with a unique set of challenges. It has a way of putting HUGE PERSPECTIVE into your life. While everyone else is stressing about not sleeping or colds or maybe ear tube surgery with their toddler - you’re tackling things like chemo treatments, when to say yes to radiation therapy, and experimental protocols. So it should come as no surprise that sometimes when I would talk to people - especially ones I was newly friends with - I would get comments like “I shouldn’t complain to you about this.”  Because everyone compares. To them, they were comparing their challenges to mine and feeling that theirs were insignificant. Even now I find the comparison things popping up - I was running with someone I didn’t know the other week and she was talking about not having enough time to fit exercise in outside of running. We were having a normal discussion about it until she realized that she didn’t have kids and I have a houseful - and she said “I shouldn’t complain to you about not having time.”

So here’s what I think - yeah, maybe there’s some truth to that because it is a good thing to complain less and problem solve more. And yes it is good to keep perspective on your life by being able to see how other people’s lives are more complex in some ways. But no, you don’t need that to be your yardstick for how your life is going, how big your issues are or how great your progress in any single area. I think the most important thing all of us can do for ourselves and for our kids is to be able to do YOU because of YOU.  Recently I realized that my hardest runs, the ones I push myself way out of my comfort zone and really work the most - are the solo runs. When I was thinking about it, I realized that when I compete against myself I work the hardest. Because mostly I need to prove to myself what I’m capable of. I think this is the key to the curbing of the comparison dilemma.

There will always be people who are smarter, richer, faster, poorer, heavier, stronger - you name it. But if you live your life with them as your yardstick, there is no end to the happiness/unhappiness cycle. It isn’t about what they have or what they can do - life is about what you have within you and what you can do with it.

So why, you may ask, am I discussing this on a parenting blog? Well for starters, you can’t live your life comparing your kids to everyone else’s. First - you truly have no clue what goes on in anyone’s house when it’s just them. But also - every child is different and has their own set of challenges- maybe the mom who you see as the calmest most in control mom has a house full of mellow kids who just roll with it? Or maybe she struggles but doesn’t share. It is irrelevant to your own life. You aren’t going to cope better with your own struggles because someone else copes worse or has less issues to deal with. Second, every one of your children is unique and has their own strengths and weaknesses. Just because child X easily achieved perfect marks in school doesn’t mean that child Y’s B average didn’t take all of their effort. Comparing them isn’t fair to them or you.

The key here is to refocus ourselves. Focus on the internal - be that your own personal internal coping mechanisms or the internal of your house and your life and your children. Find what works best for you and roll with it. Please yourself, please your family - and seriously don’t worry if that doesn’t work or make sense for someone else. The bottom line is that it doesn’t have to because at the end of it all, your life will be better when you live it for you.

I understand this is an extreme challenge in this crazy era of social media where everyone is constantly watching what everyone else is up to and how they seem to be living their lives. If possible, disconnect from that - if not permanently then at least take measures to cut down. I doubt we realize how much it affects us and how we perceive ourselves and our situations.

Do your best not to compare your kids to each other - praise them for their successes and highlight their strengths. Define them for them whenever you have the opportunity. And don’t be shy about sharing your own strengths and weaknesses as appropriate. Show them pride at your accomplishments and discuss them - it’s not bragging - it’s good to be proud of yourself. And don’t be scared to show them the failures as well - they can see it for what it is - good effort and self reflection. As they see these skills in action they’re learning how to self actualize those skills.

Live your best life and I believe you’ll be modeling for your children to live theirs as well.

Drawing a Line without Judgement

Picture this - your child is invited to a friends house and you aren't 100% sure that you are comfortable with the other family's rules.  You don't want to be overbearing, or the type of  mom who picks and chooses your child's friends, but there are things in the house that make you uncomfortable.  Maybe the house has no filters for their children's internet and un-monitored usage...or they let the kids just eat whatever they want and they only have sugary snacks and you keep a really healthy household....  There are so many iterations of this dilemma - so what do you do? I've long felt that the more opinions I have about my children's friends, the more they want to be friends with the child in question.  But in this case, lets just assume the child is young enough you get to have these opinions and reservations and your child is going to listen to your opinion, or better yet, you get to decide if they can go to the house.  Lets assume you really want them to be able to go (or perhaps there's a group activity involved and you don't want them to miss out)...so back to our question - how can you lay down the rules for your child without appearing as if you are judging?

This comes at us in so many ways it’s actually kind of amazing. You might find it with simple topics like house rules - bedtimes, curfews, electronics, etc - and honestly those are the easy ones. We are allowed to have different approaches towards rules and structure in our houses. Whenever my kids question why we have a certain rule but that other mom doesn't, I always tell them they have the option of going to be in that family but as long as they're part of mine, they'll have to live with my rules.  Obviously, that works when they're below age 7 or so, but once they get a bit smarter - these discussions become difficult. 

I think this breaks into two major categories - house rules and laws. 

House rules are basically anything you have decided for your family.  If you believe in curfews, then having a curfew is a house rule.  If your child rails about the unfairness of having a curfew, that is an easy discussion - you've decided that curfews are a necessary part of the house structure and they have to abide by that rule.  It may be arbitrary in their mind, but it is a rule nonetheless.  Depending on your relationship with your child or your parenting style, you may, as they get older, have to defend your position on the matter.  The key here is that this is a decision you have made as a parent and your authority as a parent is what makes that rule stand.  If you have confidence in your rule and you still agree with the premise of it, it will not be a difficult discussion to explain to your child the rules in your house.  If, through these discussions, you feel like your rule may need reconsideration, check out the previous post on making new rules.  But either way, explaining that in our house we have curfews while in their house they don't is not a hard topic.  It is not a judgement about their house that they don't have curfews (fyi, I don't believe in curfews!), it is a decision they made as a family unit.  Different styles work for different families.  No judgement necessary.  Try not to get on your soapbox about their parenting.

Laws are a completely separate and much more difficult topic to broach when it comes to this.  I use the word laws for lack of a better description.  I think this one is much more sensitive.  Laws can be anything that is a rule that you have to follow despite your personal opinion of the matter.  Think religious tenets, state rules - for example, in the state of Maryland there are rules about things like the use of safety seats for children, the age of babysitting, etc.  I have had many an uncomfortable situation where a parent would ask me to take their child in my car and the child (small and still the age for the state guidelines on booster seat usage) would come and say "I don't need a booster, my mommy doesn't make me."  I would kindly say "in my car, you will sit in a booster" and leave it at that.  But the discussion that followed with my own children was challenging.  I would have to explain that the state has rules about safety that they have given us and my job is to keep those rules.  Inevitably, at some point my child would come around to the question of "why doesn't the other mom keep the rules?"  Or take the babysitting guidelines, I have had many encounters where people either asked my children to babysit before they were the state age for babysitting children outside of their immediate family or where people talked (in front of my kids) about how they were having their child babysit even though they were not yet the age to do so. 

And when it comes to religious issues, this becomes much more sensitive.  Suppose your level of religiosity doesn't quite align with that of your child's friends - how can you help your child understand what they can and can't do without seeming to cast judgement on the friends house?

The key here is to explain your position without getting into the other side of it.  I don't think you have to ignore the questions about the other person's position but you can honestly say that you can't answer questions about someone else's perspective because you do not know it.  Clearly and decisively explain your position.  Explain the rules and where they originated from.  If possible, go to the source and show them the why of it.  Religious rules are usually derived from religious texts.  State guidelines are listed on state websites.   Arm them with knowledge so they can feel they understand the situation and the rules and it is not just arbitrary. 

As adults we often get into situations like this and we inherently understand that there are going to be situations in which we are at odds with other people's positions and as long as we don't attack the other side, we can confidently stand with our approach to whatever the topic is.  If we teach our children this when they are young, I believe they will have an easier time approaching those situations as adults without judgement and with confidence.

The Power of Positive Thinking

This week was amazing. It’s not often in the daily grind that we get to say that so I had to lead with it. As I’ve mentioned in the past, I enjoy running for both the physical and mental benefits. This week, I had the absolute honor of meeting and hearing one of my running role models - an incredibly inspiring woman who happens to be the current Israeli female champion. She also has five kids, thank G-d, and runs modestly and proudly in her skirt and headscarf. For those of you unfamiliar, her name is Beatie Deutsch. She came to America to run the Miami Half Marathon (and won it) and while she was here, she decided to do a quick speaking tour. How we lucked out and got her to come to our town is another story, but what I learned is something I felt every parent (and person) could benefit from.

Beatie arrived from New York by train and since I had coordinated her visit, I had the privilege of getting her from the train station to the school where she was speaking. The time we had gave me a chance to get to know Beatie as a person a little, aside from all the fame and fanfare. And she’s an awesome person. I’ve followed her stories and know a lot about her philosophy towards running and accomplishing things in life and I’ve seen that she has a unique ability to conquer things using the power of positive thinking. After all, she went from not running to being a national champion in a matter of less than four years - you have to be doing something pretty unique if you can accomplish that! She talks a lot about the mental game of believing in what you can accomplish, setting goals and not letting negativity stand in the way of those goals and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone.   Either way, during our car ride, I mentioned to her that she’s an incredibly emotionally healthy person and asked if that was by nature or something she consciously chose - and she told me she worked hard on it and learned from different experiences to develop that attitude.

Which brings me to today’s topic - the power of positive thinking. I think that most people believe you are either positive by nature or “practical” (ie negative/realistic depending who you’re talking to). I actually believe we have a choice in these matters. And when it comes to our kids, I think we can choose to model this ability so they can choose to take a positive outlook in their lives.  Being positive in positive situations is a no brainer - when things are going well and your child is thriving, it is easy to be positive and encouraging. It gets a bit dicier when challenges arise and things are not looking up. When it seems that you should just tell them not to try, when we want to prepare them for failure so they aren’t hurt or disappointed, those are the times when we have the hardest time encouraging positive thinking.

One of the things Beatie said that resonated with me was to set big goals, HUGE goals - and not to be afraid of failing. The fear of failure hijacks our thoughts and doesn’t allow us to be positive. But the amazing thing about thinking positive is it affects more than your mind and attitude, it actually transforms your physical abilities.  Negative thoughts actually bring the negative results. I was running the other week and I felt so tired and draggy but every time around the track I told myself - you can make one loop around, anyone can do one loop around - and at the end I had finished a 6 mile run and my last mile was actually my personal record. I honestly hadn’t thought myself capable of that speed but I just told myself I could do it and I did. It almost sounds like a pep rally speech that can’t possibly be true and yet I’ve seen and felt it in action. Sometimes just verbalizing to our kids that they’re capable will give them the boost they need to try. And failure is actually ok as long as you tried your best and gave it your all. We learn from failure, it’s a springboard for future success. But the attitude you bring to the table really determines the kind of meal you’ll eat.

I know a lot of parents think they need to teach their kids to be realists - and I agree, you need to show them realistic scenarios in life so they have attainable goals and don’t face constant dissatisfaction in their lives - but there’s a lot to be said for balancing that with some big goals, and positive thoughts. Having dreams is important, it shapes you and gives you things to look forward to and strive to become. Believing you can do it makes it possible. If you don’t truly believe it is possible you won’t achieve it.

“The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.” 

–Winston Churchill

Being emotionally healthy has many aspects, but the ability to focus on the positive, believe in the positive, and set your mind towards it is an extremely hard but worthwhile exercise in life. Just because the negative exists doesn’t mean we must focus on it. I believe the choice is ours to make. 

Sports

What I’m about to do feels almost heretical. I know to many sports is like a religion - and, as with religion, people feel incredibly strongly about their opinions. And my view of it may very well be diametrically opposed to someone else’s. So that’s my caveat before I begin. Hoping not to offend.

I grew up in a house where I recall no role for formalized sports. Yes, I have two incredible brothers, but don’t remember either ever playing on a team or watching professional sports. My father never seemed interested. We did plenty of exercise- my parents ran daily and I recall one of my brothers being skilled at Martial Arts - but official sports, never. The first time I can remember ever being exposed to sport fan-dom was when our close friends son got married. A die-hard Redskins fan, my mom and her friends decided to make his post wedding celebration in the theme of the team. Down to maroon tablecloths and a signed helmet. And when my brother in law from Chicago joined the family, we definitely heard mention of the Bulls and the White Sox and possibly some other teams. To put it mildly, formalized sports was not on my radar.

When it comes to school sports, I think we have to remember the key word - SCHOOL.  School is a place to learn - for the skilled educators to shape and model our children.  Sports coaches and the school's attitude towards sports should be no different.  I do believe in healthy competition, to a degree, but overall, I think sports has a lot to teach our children about how to understand themselves and their peers and the world around them.

When my children switched into their current school, one of the many things I had heard was there was great opportunity to be had in the extracurricular arena. Among other offerings, there were many sports teams they could be part of. I found this intriguing, as an avid runner and someone who values physical activity and all the benefits, mental and health related, this was an exciting opportunity and I encouraged my children to be part of it. Boy was I in for a surprise.  I expected them to practice and get to move on a regular basis, but I was not prepared for the games.  I was definitely not prepared for the concept of "benching" a child.  For those of you unfamiliar (yes, I'm sure I'm not the only one who didn't know this existed) there are players who, for whatever reason their coach decides, sit on the bench for an entire season.  They are sometimes played in games, for a minute or two. But for all intense purposes, they sit and watch as spectators as the other kids get playing time.  You would think they would have had to do something really awful for this predicament, but they actually don't.  What I've witnessed, both in my kids teams but also on many other teams, is that coaches choose their "favorites" before the season even starts and those kids just get played.  Sometimes, those are the highly skilled kids, but not always.  We've all witnessed favoritism and its never a pretty sight, but it is especially awful to watch in this arena where it is so public.  Aside from the obvious issues, I truly think coaches are missing significant opportunities.

Sports is an amazing way to build skills.  Not only do you learn the skills of the game itself, you learn everything from dexterity to coordination, but it is an incredible opportunity to build interpersonal skills and teamwork.  It is practically a social skills group.  Kids can learn to identify their own strengths and weaknesses and build on them.  They can learn how to identify other people's strengths and play to them.  They learn to share and that teamwork is the key to success, it isn't about the ones who score the points but about the assists and the "play".  They can learn how to be graceful winners and graceful losers.  They learn commitment and focus.  The child who lacks confidence can find a way to shine in a totally different way on the field or the court.  There are so many things to be gained above just the pursuit of trophies and banners. 

Yes, every school wants to win, but at what cost? And, you can win but not crush.  Have you ever sat at a game where the team was winning by such a large margin, there was no coming back for the opposing team, yet the strongest players (the "starters") were still in? I have, and it is more than mildly ridiculous.  Once they "have it in the bag," every child should be out there, getting time on the court.  There is no reason to teach kids to be crushers, teach them to be graceful and maybe a bit merciful.  And when you're talking about lower and middle school teams, play all the players - I'm not advocating equal playing minutes for every kid - but be reasonable.  You have to give them a chance to play if you want them to improve.  Many of the kids in these age groups haven't spent time in the game, and if they don't put them out at that point, they never will. 

I've discussed this with the headmaster at our school and been told that when kids are just allowed to play without "earning it," they will become entitled.  Tell me, exactly, how a ten year old who shows up to every practice "earns" their playing time? Or a high school boy who is capable but hasn't been shown the same favoritism? Yes, I believe the kids should show up, learn the discipline, show dedication and commitment - I'm not advocating for putting every kid in for the same amount of time.  But I am advocating for the sports to be more about character building and less about favoritism.  More focus on building people who care, who see everyone, who work together and play together.  Lets encourage the kids who want to move but aren't necessarily graceful athletes to continue to play.  Lets make it about building champion humans!