In this Together?

First, I have to thank everyone for their positive feedback lately - it makes me feel so good knowing that we can support each other through these challenging times especially. Keep it coming! And please feel free to repost anywhere it might be helpful to other people!

Today’s post was inspired by a conversation this weekend with a friend who made a really good point. Everyone is discussing being home with their kids and how to manage it/make the most of it/keep our sanity with it etc. But there hasn’t been so much discussion around how the current reality impacts our relationship with our partner. There’s a whole new dynamic playing out in every household and most of us are too busy getting through the days and weeks to stop and examine what is happening and figure out how to best do this together with our partners.

To start off - it doesn’t matter if you’re both working, neither working, or one parent is working and the other is not - we are all still stuck home with our family 24/7 and everyone needs some off time. The “old” ideas of one parent being in charge of parenting duties while the other takes care of supporting the family just doesn’t apply. Even if that was your modus operandi before this began, it’s gotta change. Being aware of the added stress that this situation introduces into our houses and finding supportive ways to help each other through it will leave us all a lot more sane.  If your partner isn’t available during the working hours because their type of work doesn’t have the flexibility of “background noise” and you’re managing the kids and their online school (and possibly your own work) - make sure to be clear about what you need help with “after hours” - making dinner alone or passing on the cooking so you get some time to decompress, time outdoors - whatever it is, be honest.  Need them to manage laundry or cleanup since you’re on all day with the kids? Be creative. If met with resistance since what you’re asking isn’t in their normal repertoire- turn the idea back at them - how can you help in a way that’s manageable for you but leaves less on my plate?

Communication, a necessity at any point in a relationship, has taken on a whole new level of meaning these days. No one can read your mind, even if you’ve been with them for what seems like forever. Be open and vocal about what you need to be supported during this and listen when they do the same. At least half of the fights and disagreements you are having with your partner could have been avoided (I’m guessing) by being up front and clear with them about your needs. It’s ok to say “it’s been raining for three days and I’m feeling down - I need some alone time” - we don’t have to be strong and calm every day. We just need them to know when we’re not.

If you’re at the stage where there are kids old enough to stay home alone or babysit - get out alone. A walk serves as a perfect date these days - you’re away from kids (maybe even make discussing them off limits) and it will give you some time to take a break from being parents and just get to be adults.

If you’re not at that stage yet - make a stay at home date. Either put the kids to bed a little early one night or get creative with the kids who are almost old enough to help out but not quite and make some space for yourselves. It’s hard but possible.  And definitely make times for you each to get out alone. If you can’t be together, at least be supporting each others needs to have some space and time.

One real key to managing during this chaos is honesty. It’s a hard thing to admit when we are overwhelmed but it is crucial. And catching it before it’s too late is key to avoiding a Mommy (or Daddy) Meltdown. We are all entitled to a couple - desperate times and all - but we’ll feel better if we support each other and avoid getting to that point.

It’s definitely a new frontier these days. There is no wrong or right way to manage. Like any other stressful situation- it can bring us closer together or tear us apart (an ICU nurse at Children’s gave me that speech many eons ago when we were stuck there under tremendous stress). But if we take the time to think through our partnership and discuss it, I believe we’ll come out stronger and with a new level of confidence in our relationships.