Revisiting a topic

I’ve been so busy with my job since the wedding I really haven’t had much time to write but I’ve been thinking a lot about what to write in the interim. 

We’ve discussed this topic before but as usual, the more you think about something the more pieces of it come together. And for many this is a sensitive topic, the hush hush type where you get whispered questions but no one wants to say it aloud. 

So here goes - my 2nd child got married first. To some in different social or religious circles that doesn’t sound weird. In the world I live in, it is cause for raised eyebrows. I’ve never quite been completely in step with the society I live in - I’m a very free thinker and would say I’m out of the box. The head covering and modest clothes throw people off when they hear how liberal I am. But to be honest, I didn’t really think much about this until I got so many questions about how the older one is handling it. 

Now to be honest, my newlyweds met senior year and have been dating a while so it was a known thing they were going to move forward. At the same time, I honestly didn’t worry too much about how the older one was dealing with it because she seemed totally happy for them. She baked the wedding desserts, helped with the plans, and overall was just happy. And she’s happy where she is right now - pursuing her degree, discovering her many talents in the art world, and figuring out the type of adult she wants to become. She’s never stepped quite with the program - when others took a gap year in Israel she chose a semester in Peru - but she’s been so thrilled with her out of the box experiences and so have we. 

So we’ve talked about comparison in this blog before (see Post) but I wanted to remind myself and my readers - kids are not the same  We don’t expect them to look the same, learn the same, have the same personality or dress the same. We also shouldn’t expect them to take the same route in life. And there’s nothing hush hush about it. No matter whether it’s picking their own career which you might not have envisioned for them or choosing what to do post school that your others didn’t do  if it’s the type of milestone celebration they want that you didn’t do for your others or that you did and they don’t want (not every kid wants a party for their (name your milestone here)).  Different is not less. The same doesn’t actually mean equivalent.  You are giving as much to the child who you do something for as you are to the child who you allow to not do.  Finding what is right for each of your kids is giving them what they need.  It seems simple to say but far harder in practice.

So to answer all the whispers, yes she’s not just ok she’s happy.  And we are happy and proud.  She is becoming a beautiful adult with unique talents we hope she will use to serve her community and the greater world.  When she is ready, we hope she finds someone equally incredible to share her life with.  I would never want to impose a timeline on any young woman for that or pressure to start that process before it is what she wants. (Definitely another pet peeve of mine, the intense marriage pressure girls get in our society.  Marriage is a huge commitment and motherhood an even greater one.)

And for those of you whose kids are younger and marrying them off is a far off idea, just substitute another milestone your children hit.  Or a non milestone - like learning to read, bike, swim, earning some honor - they are all different, they will have different passions and pursue different avenues at different speeds  I encourage you to encourage them on their paths and do your best not to make a roadmap in your heads of where they should be or what they should do - but be there to enjoy each of their journeys as they develop.  It is quite the ride.