About 14 years ago, my husband came up with a gift idea for me - he gave me a yoga class, along with the promise that he'd come home and take over the night of the class so I could get out. I had never before been to yoga and, to be honest, since I'm not the touchy feely type by nature, wasn't sure it was going to be my speed. I went and instantly fell in love with it - the practice, the exertion, the rewards and most of all, the mindfulness skills I learned. I took yoga for several years and even taught some on my own after I could no longer make time for scheduled classes. Even since I stopped teaching, I continue to practice whenever I can fit it into my schedule. One of the greatest lessons yoga has taught me is to learn to listen to and channel and control the noise of the world around me. We live in a world full of chaos - forget even the electronics that permeate our every move- just the busy-ness of life - balancing home, school, work, family, etc - its a busy and chaotic space. Learning how to tamp down the noise we don't need at any given moment and listen to what is going on inside our own selves is a skill that is hard but necessary.
You may be asking yourselves, about now, why I'm going on about yoga on a parenting blog? Am I trying to convince you, my readers, to take up the practice? I'd be dishonest if I told you no - I actually think that parents can use this skill and time for themselves very much. But that isn't actually the reason I discuss it here (to see a discussion about carving out time for yourself, see my post about creating time for yourself).
So if this isn't me rambling about making time to learn mindfulness, what are we talking about?
I believe one of the most essential skill any parent can give their child is learning how to listen to themselves. To train kids to be mindful, to quiet the outside noise and to learn how to trust themselves and listen to their inner voice. All too often, we try to tell children how they feel instead of teaching them how to identify and guide their own feelings.
For example, how many times have we told our kids, as they're crying and in pain, "you're ok." Or when they are worried about something we say "there's nothing to worry about!" Without realizing it, I think we inadvertently ignore our kids feelings and try and supplant our own feelings onto theirs. We know there's nothing to worry about or that it will only hurt for two minutes and they'll be back to playing - so we try and push that onto them. Instead, we could try to acknowledge their feelings and then guide them to the next step. Subconsciously, we are giving them a very different message. You are allowing them to acknowledge and trust their own feelings while still helping guide their responses to those feelings. It is subtle but over time, I think they learn a very important lesson.
Take a kid who finds themselves anxious or shy in the presence of new faces or situations. Some parents try to push them into it and assume they'll just learn to adjust eventually. Others let them completely stay away from these situations and assume they'll eventually grow out of it and learn to cope. But there is a more middle of the road approach. Help the kid put a name or word to their feelings (scared, nervous...) and ]talk before these situations about how to approach them. What are things you can do when you feel that way? How can we make these situations easier. This gives them the skills to approach a situation and hear what their body/mind is telling them and coach it through. It puts them in touch with their inner voice. Once they understand that voice, they can help guide themselves through different situations.
Another type, the angry child. This can be a child of any age, who tends to lash out and get angry at the drop of a hat. Their auto-response to situations is to flare. Practicing mindfulness with them, helping them identify when they're feeling angry - how that feeling comes on and what it feels like inside them when it happens, can often help guide them into better responses to their anger. The old adage, when angry count to ten (when very angry, twenty), still works. Teaching them to listen to that inner voice, the spark plugs heating up, and to walk away until it simmers. All of these are ways to help them learn to listen to themselves, be mindful and acknowledge their own feelings, and learn how to channel them more appropriately.
Ok, I know what you may be thinking - it isn't that easy. And it isn't. And what about those kids whose inner voice is forever telling them to crazy things - do we teach them to listen to that one too? Voices that speak of exaggerated fears, of crazy and reckless behaviors. And yes, in a way, we do teach them to listen - and curb it. The same way you can teach the anxious child to overcome their anxiety, you can teach the wild and reckless child to hear the inner voice and curb it to a reasonable degree.
So often, as kids head into the teenage years, they inevitably shut down to some degree or another. I think if taught this early, they can still use this skill at that stage, even when it doesn't seem like they are doing so. The key is to give them the space and time to think it through and in the quiet calm moments, to remind them of the need to listen to those voices inside telling them what they know to be true (think peer pressure situations, something we will discuss in depth in a later post).
Everyone has different methods and approaches to teaching mindfulness, some don't use that word but the idea is the same. I believe if we work hard on developing these skills for our kids (and our selves) we can help them trust themselves and eventually mature into adults who remain in touch with their inner voices.
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