Friendships

I’m really lucky in my own life to have formed some strong connections and to have really good friends. And despite that, even as an adult there are times friendships are difficult to navigate. We all read novels or see shows where characters have these incredible friends as kids and they are taking all sorts of adventures together and always have someone who gets them. And our kids see that imagery all around - between social media and television - it’s a picture that’s painted over and over.  But let’s be honest - not every child navigates the social world the same and some really struggle to find friends and interact in relationships. I’m not talking about the extreme cases where there are issues that professional help is required to teach the basics of social norms - I’m talking about the regular kids, the ones who seemingly make friends easily and the the ones who just don’t naturally make friends easily. Or the middle school stages where your friends change almost as often as your style or haircut. How can we, as parents, help our kids navigate the world of friendships to make it both easier for them and help them develop long lasting connections?

Another thing to think about before we discuss how to’s is that although friendship struggles are common - there are different types which require completely different approaches. Sometimes having a larger family gives me a sampling of the different complexities you can face with the same issue. It’s like each child has a different twist on it. For some of my kids, a small tight-knit group of friends is the perfect fit, for others they have an ever revolving door and though some of the friendships have lasted, kids who once actually referred to me as Mommy are no longer in the inner or outer circle. Still others really struggled to find a friend group until much later. So there’s definitely no one size fits all solution to friends.

The first thing to consider is - what works best for this child? Do they do better in small or large groups? Do they enjoy one on one more than group time? Understanding your child’s personality and working with it is essential. All too often, we impose our idea of friends on our kids and it isn’t working for them because it isn’t them. Think of scenarios where you’ve watched social butterflies overprogam their kids and seen the overload and the child retreating into themselves.  It’s one thing to make sure your child has the skills to be in a group setting, another to impose it on them on a regular basis. It’s especially hard to accept this when it has implications on your own social life. If you’re part of a friend group that gathers often and your child is resistant to going or seems to be on the sidelines because they don’t enjoy it - it may be time to rethink those gathering times. Not every child enjoys loads of social time and still others enjoy only larger groups and find one on one situations boring. Try and observe your child and figure out their most comfortable setting and create situations which are conducive to them.

Second, suggestions and encouragement are useful - forcing is counter productive. Honestly this is kind of a general rule of thumb with kids but it’s crucial when it comes to their social life. Even as small kids, they feel the pressure of being forced into situations. Instead of having the desired effect (child becomes engaged and fast friends with the child in question ) it usually has the opposite effect and the kids are more reticent and less inclined to interact.  When it comes to teens, having opinions about their friends seems lethal! I have found that if I encourage a friendship too strongly the child withdraws from it faster and if I dislike the company they’re keeping and am vocal about it - they’ll keep that company more but often do it elsewhere, where I can’t oversee or get to know what they’re getting into. Now don’t get me wrong - there are ways to steer kids towards better friends - but the straight up honesty that we use in other situations often falls flat or works against us when it comes to friendships.

Let’s break the issues down here - to start with we’ll talk about younger kids (anywhere from toddler to younger elementary). For these kids it is easier to create conducive situations for friendships. After heeding step 1, understanding the dynamic that works best, you can help foster those situations for the child. If they do well in one on one, find play dates that can give them chances to bond. If group activities work, classes or parks or other gathering spaces give them a chance to find the right kids and bond with them. Don’t assume the girl next door or your closest friends child is automatically going to be their social life. If that works, great, but it doesn’t always. If you see your child struggling in these situations - I strongly suggest role playing with them after the fact. Show them how to approach someone they don’t know well. If they have trouble with the conversations - give them some starting ideas. They pick things up very fast even when it doesn’t come totally naturally. Once they’re comfortable enough and find kids who they like they will ease into these themselves. It’s like little kid ice breakers.

For teens it is a different ballpark. Mostly teens you’ll be concerned about either struggle to find a group or get in with the wrong crowd.  I'll go backwards here and address the teens that are in a group you find less than ideal.  Word to the wise, don't be too vocal about their friends personally.  When the opportunity arises to talk, talk about behaviors you don't like or social pressures kids have to deal with.  Attacking their friends individually will turn them defensive.  Try as you may, I don't think you can actually break up friendships that you don't find healthy, but you can try and remind your child, in calm times, the healthy and positive behaviors that you miss seeing when they're around friends who bring them down.  Again, I'd be hesitant to dive too deep or harp on it too often since teens have a way of digging in their heels when they feel opposition.

For the teens struggling to find their place - this one in a lot of ways is harder.  Loneliness is real and painful.  Acknowledge their struggle.  If they are open to talking about it, try and problem solve with them about why they aren't finding friends and what is going on at school/around town that is making it difficult.  You may find they're being singled out or bullied because they aren't run of the mill.  Try to help them find alternate situations where there are different kids - sometimes the kids in their school class are just not the right fit.  Since they spend the majority of their time with them, by force not by choice, they may feel stuck and in a rut.  Opening them up to new opportunities where the social structure is different can be a game changer.

And when it comes to issues with friendships, encourage openness.  Try to make them know that you are always a friend to them, you have their back.  If they want to be heard without comment, you'll be their sounding board.  If they want advice, you can give that too.  Let home be a safe space for them where there isn't the same social pressures they're facing out in the real world.  When they know you understand them and are supporting instead of pressuring them to make it work, you may find an entirely different child in there who is ready to talk and eventually ready for suggestions.  Discuss loyalty and dependability. Discuss how to be a real friend.  Discuss how real friends sometimes compromise.  Discuss how real friends come to parents when there are safety issues, even if it feels like tattling.  Talk and keep the discussions going.

Creating Positive Health/Body Outlooks

What I’m about to discuss is sensitive and difficult for so many people. Eating issues and disorders are rampant in communities across the spectrum and no one is immune from them. And they cut both ways - we have the people struggling to fight obesity and those struggling with anorexia/bulimia. Even parents who do their best modeling can have eating issues in their houses. But hard topics can’t be avoided - we need to get them out into the open and talk about them if we are going to fix them. And, like many of our other topics, this is just a beginning.  Even discussing food and exercise in one post is a feat but I’m going to make an attempt because I believe they’re intricately connected.

One night recently I was late coming home and out of dinner ideas (or energy to make some) and a friend told me about a great grab n go sushi option. While I was in line waiting for my order, I met half the neighborhood who clearly were in the same predicament. While catching up with some people I don’t see often enough, I noticed a running theme. Everyone was discussing either how they overate when it came to foods they found as a “treat” or discussed calories as part of their food conversation. Being health and exercise focused myself - I have given a lot of thought to how to approach the topic of food/diet and exercise and I’m always on the lookout for how we, as a society, deal with these concepts. So I’m just going to come right out and say that overall our society has an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise. All too often we portray food as something to resist or indulge in and exercise as a necessary evil. You’ll hear real lovers of exercise talk about the high but most people talk about it as something they have to force themselves to do because it’s good for their health. When it comes to food, there’s far too much discussed about dieting and far too little about balance and healthy choices. And I am forever overhearing people talk about their bodies and the lack of satisfaction with size and shape.

Personally I think every one of us needs to take a step back and ask ourselves what we are modeling for our kids when it comes to these crucial topics. As we’ve talked about before, kids hear everything. They listen and pick up on the minutia. So when it comes to food - do we discuss calories and dieting or do we discuss healthy choices? Do we talk about how the food choices affect our weight or our body and health ? Instead of putting the focus on calories and intake I believe we should focus on healthy choices and portion sizes. Discuss what health benefits they get from things rather than what bad stuff can happen from foods. When you show them that you choose olive oil over some other fat - discuss heart healthy choices. Discuss eating and feeling satisfied rather than stuffed. Getting energy from good food choices.

When a child is taking a snack - hand them a cup/bag/bowl to take a reasonable amount instead of the bag to eat endlessly. You can teach them how to choose a healthy portion size without telling them they’re overeating or having them measure foods  - just showing them that a portion is enough to fill you up without eating too much of one thing. Teach them balance in how they eat. Whatever your philosophy- if sugar is the root of all evil and you want them to avoid it - just remember that banning certain food categories makes people (and certainly small kids) want them even more. And think a lot about how much you’re talking about food and focusing on it. Try to steer conversations away from dieting and food consumption- it’s an overused topic in our society and we need to be where that ends.

I think it’s important to note that when dealing with kids and food it’s important to avoid power struggles over food. Suggesting healthy options and making sure to have good foods available is an ideal way to create a healthy food atmosphere. Pressuring kids to eat healthy food options or punishing them and taking away things if they refuse sets you up for food battles and distorts their view of how to approach food. If you don’t have the junk in your house kids will naturally choose other options. Another important thing to think about - try to avoid making food a reward. If every prize for good behavior or special treat or outing revolves around food - what message are we sending?

When it comes to exercise- I hate to be this person but add some joy to the conversation. Do you exercise? Is the amount you fit it into your life reasonable or excessive? Lacking? I grew up watching my parents get up early every day to run. It was a great model for me - I saw that despite my Dads busy schedule he made healthy choices a priority. My mom got up with him to be his partner even though early mornings were not her strong suit. They showed us that you fit it in however you can to make it work. And you could see they loved that time together. My Dads been gone for many years but my mom still runs, thank G-d, and she sets an incredible example not just for her kids but for her grandkids (several of whom take turns running with her) about how to fit exercise into your life and stick with it even when it’s hard. Not everyone can be a runner - but we all can and should find something that makes us move and moves us at the same time. If we do something we love we will love doing it.

At the same time, there are kids who are sedentary and finding ways to encourage movement can be a huge challenge. Organized sports are a great way to get them moving but they are not for everyone. Encouraging kids to find things to do that don’t involve staying still is crucial but can be hard. Try to get the kids somewhat involved in your movement some of the time.  Bike rides are great quality time  that gets everyone moving. Walks, geocaching, scavenger hunts - all are good ways to get people up and going while making it fun. Many schools have girls on the run or other program to help make joint moving times. Whatever you choose to help the sedentary child, try to focus on the enjoyment, the health benefits but not on how or why it will affect their weight.

And like everything else - you have both ends of the spectrum. Some kids that get too into it - another thing to watch for. If exercise is taking up too much of their time and they are overly focused - help them dial it back. A healthy balance is crucial to prevent danger. I can’t talk about every aspect in this one post so we’ll have to get back to some of this later.

The bottom line is we need to help our kids develop a healthy relationship with food and exercise - trying to focus on the quality of what we eat and the way it makes us feel instead of the quantities. Attempting not to create a culture of diets and weight focus but more of a health focus. And exercise is an amazing piece of our lives that keeps us feeling good and healthy and in touch with our bodies.

And Again...And Again...And Again - Consistency in Parenting

A few months ago I read an article about a couple who was married over 60 years.  They were asked what the secret to staying together so long was - and the answer the husband gave was (and I paraphrase here) 'you just stay. When you are angry, frustrated, want to walk away, you just stay.'  Ok, we all know it isn't that simple and I am not trying to get on a soapbox and talk about relationships here, they are complicated and circumstances differ for each person (and, I'd be remiss if I didn't make a note to all those people in tough relationships that I am in no way saying to stay when there is anything abusive about a relationship - remember you can always leave if it is the best thing for you and your family - but that is a side note).  The article got me thinking about something I hear about all the time - how do we make things stick? How do we keep with things and make them part of our lives and routines?  Every new idea is exciting for the first second/minute/hour/day/week/month but somehow things tend to fizzle out and what seemed so great just isn't or we can't remember to keep it up.  I've been thinking this question over and I had some thoughts to share on the subject.

Most of us don't remember how we started some of the routines that we call daily life.  What made us brush our teeth every morning and night and not give up on that system? Some people incorporate exercise into their daily routines - somehow they keep that up despite the busy chaos we call life.  Everything started somewhere.  

Although routines are hard to establish, we are capable of creating new ones at any stage in our lives.  Like learning to type or any other skill - we can create the parenting equivalent of muscle memory for our kids.  Let me explain the concept.  When I learned to type I was around 10 or so - we learned on old fashion typewriters.  I remember having to type pages of the same letter sequences over and over.  It was tedious and I don't recall being thrilled by it but it did create muscle memory for my hands.  After a while, I no longer had to think about where the letters were, my fingers just flew to them automatically.  I think the same is true with habits and routines that we establish in our houses.  If you create a system and keep it up, day after day, week after week, it will eventually stick. 

There are a few key points to take into consideration when trying to create a new routine in your house.  First, it is key not to try and conquer Rome in a day.  According to my good friend Google, it takes 2 months (on average 66 days) to form a new habit.  If you get too zealous in your parenting ideas and try to adapt too many systems for too many things too quickly - I don't believe you'll actually get any to take.  One at a time.  Slow and steady.

First, think about what the greatest challenge you face with your kids on a daily basis is: getting them up and out in the mornings? supper and bedtime routine? Everyone talking at the same time when something needs to be done and feeling like a traffic cop? Pick one of these and try to deconstruct the steps that are involved.  What type of system could you put into place to make this time/routine go more smoothly?

When my first four kids were all in elementary school, making lunches was the worst part of the daily routine.  I felt like the kids walked in the door after school and between homework, dinner, showers and lunches - my day was consumed and I was spent.  One of my older sisters who has a large family shared an idea with me that I implemented into my own house and it changed my life, literally.  I tweaked her system and created a lunches system that made my daily life so much better.  Every Sunday morning, I would get the kids to the kitchen and we would pack the lunches for the entire week (yes, an old fridge served as the holding space for this crazy number of lunches - 20!).  I would bag individual snacks, vegetables, fruits and 'mains' and the kids would select something from each category for each lunch bag (we lined up 5 a person on the kitchen counter).  The entire process took about an hour, start to finish, and I didn't think about lunches again the rest of the week.  All the kids had to remember was to grab the lunch in the morning before school - and no one could complain about the contents because they had packed it themselves!

Once you decide what you are going to conquer and the routine you want to put in place for it - stick with it.  Don't try and incorporate another new system or conquer another chaotic time - just work on this one item for a while.  I honestly would give a new system a good 3-4 months before I tackled the next idea.  Kids can form habits and they can break poor habits faster than we can as adults.  And each routine is different - when you see that they've acclimated and are remembering THE SYSTEM without you having to guide them through it, you know they've acquired the 'muscle memory' and are likely ready to take on another change.  We just need to set our minds to a new idea and keep it up!

Please feel free to share ideas and system you've implemented - either comment on the blog or on instagram @bigpicparents

To Incentivize or Not to Incentivize- That is the Question

I recently had a discussion with my teenage son which was at once very eye-opening and at the same time quite upsetting.  He's currently working at a summer camp and we were talking about some challenges controlling the campers.  His bunk seems particularly high-energy and the go-to method for some of the counselors he is working under seems to be yelling louder than the campers in order to be heard.  I suggested that perhaps some incentives would be more useful than screaming and he told me that he doesn't believe in bribing kids to do what they are supposed to do.  He told me that when he was younger I just took things away - not bribed him.  He said I spent so much time taking things away (or threatening to) that he was never happy to get things, he always worried he'd lose them. 

Ok, taking a step back and remembering what he's talking about - I can definitely say Guilty As Charged.  I remember exactly what he is referring to - when he turned 13 he was given a Nintendo Switch as a gift from a friend.  Being new to this gaming system and the world that surrounds it - I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.  I wish I knew then what I know now (forgive me, Katy Perry... ) - but I didn't and I handed this brand new device over to a young teen with no limits and no framework for controlling its use (I discuss some pointers for controlling technology in the house in a previous post).  So there I was, with a newly teenage son who had his own technology and was, instantly, completely addicted.  I asked, begged, pleaded, suggested that he turn it in at night (yet somehow didn't insist as a condition of getting it, we all have to start learning somewhere) and nothing I said or did worked.  He was totally hooked and wouldn't give it up, at all, ever.  I couldn't get him to get out of his bed for anything that wasn't a requirement (school) and so all weekend he just vegged and played and I tried everything to get him to stop.  If he wouldn't stop I would just forcibly remove the device and he would mope about not having it.  To be honest, I haven't completely figured this device situation out - since he still plays far more video games than I would like - but I have found ways around some of it.  Had I started with different rules I think we could have had a much more positive experience with it, but that is all water under the bridge.  The discussion made me think about something I have grappled with for a long time - do we provide incentives for things that children should be doing or is that bribing?  Do we focus on incentives or do we eliminate things if kids are not listening?

At the beginning of this blog, I discussed my method of Repercussions no discussions (see post) - where there are no long debates and discussions about repercussions for certain types of behaviors - you just move right to repercussions (there was a bit more to this method and it wasn't step #1 in the sequence).  The question is, though, is there a way to create incentives for good behavior without outright bribing our kids to behave?

I don't claim to be the guru or have all the answers but I have given this topic a good amount of thought.  I think it comes down to the fact that in many ways we all create incentives for things for ourselves constantly.  Ever not want to exercise and tell yourself that if you get going and do something you will (fill in the blank - preferably not with 'reward yourself with chocolate').  As adults we don't want to do everything we have to do and yet we find ways to do things.  Sometimes, we do things because we know we have to (putting out supper each night, for example, as much as many of us may hate doing that).  Other things we see more as optional and we find ways to encourage ourselves to do them because we know we should or we feel they're good for us.  We all need incentives. 

And so I've decided that if there is a positive way to create incentives for our kids to do things that they find challenging - why should we not help them create those systems?  There are always going to be things that come naturally to some kids and are huge struggles to others.  Some kids are organized by nature and don't want to live in a mess while others are going to have an incredibly difficult time getting their clothes into the hamper at night.  Each kid has their own struggles - some bigger and more challenging than others - but small things we can do to help provide them with the incentive to do what they need will help form healthy habits from a young age. 

For really young kids, the incentives need to be immediate - stickers for good behavior, a star on your chart, a little box of dollar store prizes, Oriental trading goods - easy and quick.  As kids get older, incentives can be longer term (a month of checks on a chart can earn an outing), jars you fill with a marble each time you notice good behavior and a treat night out when the jar is full.  They can work their way up to bigger prizes or experiences they can earn.  Remember, it doesn't have to be stuff - time alone with kids is a huge prize they covet and enjoy. 

So, do we bribe them into good behavior? I don't think so - no 'listen to me and you get a candy' - but I do believe there is a line between incentives and bribes and each person can find it and tow it.  If the incentives fail, they shouldn't be used as a threat (if you don't do this, you won't earn your X) - they should be there as a positive way to help kids do the right thing.  But if they fail, back to the Repercussion No Discussion.  They don't need to hear they lost it or they didn't earn it - they know that already.  You can't force them into good behavior, but you can make it worth their while.

As I finished my conversation with my son, I felt I had learned a lot.  I told him I was actually really sorry I made him feel like he would lose so much and I explained to him how powerless I felt against the pull of his electronics.  And I told him I learned a lot from the conversation - because I did.  It was both humbling and empowering to know we, as parents, can learn and improve ourselves from our experiences and not make the same mistakes again.

Giving Advice

Volumes by wise and educated people have certainly been published on the topic of the best way to give advice so people can accept what you’re telling them.  I don’t dream of being in the same league as those before me who studied the psychology and truly understood the inner workings of the mind.  I can only tell you from my own experience the things I have found to be more useful and completely useless when trying to give kids (and adults) advice.

Like we discussed in the last post on Taking advice - it is hard to accept advice from anyone. If you couple that with advice given wrong - it is impossible.  I was discussing some parenting techniques with a friend at the pool today and I was telling her that when it comes to how to approach things with my kids I often think about how I would feel if I was approached that way about something.  Take a simple example of someone telling you how to cut food in your own kitchen.  Would you honestly want to listen if someone repeatedly told you that you were doing it wrong and here's how you really should be doing it? Most of us would be like - I got this - leave me alone.  We may even be thinking that we've been doing it our way for years and it works so why change.  If, however, the person found a better approach to telling us how to do it without us feeling we were somehow wrong until now and they are right we may be more open to it.  In our cutting example, it may take the form of showing us that our efficiency and time on our feet would be reduced if we learned a different technique.  Or our finger tips would all be in tact.  Whatever the hot button is, if we learn how to hit it properly - real change can happen.

So what are some ideas we can integrate into our advising which will help make it palatable for those who could benefit from hearing it most?

First rule of giving advice - stop playing the blame game.  People often point fingers without even realizing what they are doing.  This just doesn't set the stage for anything positive (ever).  Focus not on who is responsible for the issue or problem but what the issue or problem actually is.  I noticed this when talking to my kids - I used to always start with the problem by saying how I've noticed you've been doing a lot of X lately (fill in the blank here - there are so many - bullying/talking back/whining...you name it). 

What I didn't realize was that I had already lost my audience.  Defenses went up and sense went out the window.  The advice never even had a chance at that point.  What they heard was "you think I am wrong or bad or ___" and they didn't hear the constructive section at all.  It took my kids being old enough to say 'I know you think I'm bad' for me to realize I had completely framed my topic wrong.  Obviously, we need to identify what we're talking about.  If you're noticing your child leaves the dishes on the table after every meal - you are going to have to discuss the fact that the dishes are on the table and therefore need clearing.  Or you could skip the fact they're at the table and just go to the what needs to be done right away.  But if you do need to discuss it - you don't have to point fingers.  Just the facts, ma'am.

Second, as with any type of feelings you are sharing with someone, use I statements more than You statements.  If something is making you feel demeaned, don't come at it from the angle of "you've been demeaning to me in conversations lately".  Come at it from the "I've been feeling put down."  It means the same thing but comes across quite differently.

Third, allow them room to process and come up with solutions to the issue themselves - but give them some leading ideas.  Open minds have ways of creating loads of good problem solving solutions - but the key is for them to be open.

Last, don't lecture.  Keep it short and to the point.  No one wants to hear someone drone on and on and press their point when the bottom line is us telling them they need to change.  I think a conversation with advice should be 5 minutes or less if at all possible.

I'm sure there are many other advice giving tips - and I urge you to share you ideas and comments (either in the comments section or on Instagram @bigpicparents) - I would love to hear what you have to say!

Taking Advice

I've gotten some feedback about the blog and I really appreciate all of it.  My aim is to create a space where my readers can feel they're understood and supported.  My goal is to help each and every person find a safe haven where it's ok that your kid just painted the wall with their diaper or your teenager just exploded and stormed out of the house - where you realize it doesn't mean you did something wrong or you're a bad parent.  And you know that you're gonna survive this thing and you're not doing too bad at managing it and retaining your humanity.  And maybe you'll pick up a few tips and tricks to help you along the way.

So when someone gave me feedback that I should make it more personal and less generic I thought it was a great idea.  It turned me from less of a preacher of parenting to a fellow parent who has gained some ideas along the way to share.  My first thought was to tell you my life story - show you what makes me who I am and what I am.  What battlegrounds I've trod and what they've taught me.  Truth be told, that approach really didn't bother me - I like to view my life circumstances as my reality and not something I'm some sort of victim of - I didn't cause most things to happen, they just happen to be my life - but some of my kids were not so wild about it.  The life I live, the story that is me, is also other people's story.  They didn't all want their story broadcast for every stranger to know.  So I decided to tweak it.  And it gave me an idea for this post.

To start - my tweaked idea of who I am so you can know why you'd ever want to listen to me about parenting.  I have 6 amazing and wildly different kids.  They range in age from college to elementary school at the current time (2 years ago we thought we could win a prize for most children in different school stages - having one in college, one studying abroad, one in high school, middle school, elementary and nursery).  Aside from completely different personalities, we've also been through some unique circumstances - we've battled intense illness over the years and thankfully have overcome a lot but gained tremendous perspective on life from those situations.  There are a lot of other details I could fill in but I won't for their privacy sake.  What I will try to do, from here on out, is include more real life anecdotes to help my ideas and thoughts be more useful.

On to the main idea I wanted to discuss today - how to take advice.  Giving advice seems easy because we can just say what we're thinking and let it out.  But usually that is not super effective and there are better ways of delivering a message than just putting them out there.  Especially if we want the advice to be taken.  That will have to be the subject of a separate post.  Today I want to talk about taking advice, because advice is a hard pill to swallow.  For anyone.  Any time.  No one wants to hear something about themselves that someone else thinks is less than perfect.  We all want to see ourselves a certain way and it is hard to hear we need to change.  This is no less true when we're older.  Try taking advice from someone you love and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

The main problem I've encountered with taking advice is that the first reaction most people have is to become defensive.  It is our human response to either take flight or defend ourselves when we feel attacked.  Even advice given well can be hard to take.  The most impressive thing to me is watching someone take advice and immediately consider it without any push back.

A few months ago I was running with my running partners and I put this question out to them.  One of my friends is an incredible listener.  They're always joking around when we run about how I can just talk the whole time (to be honest, I was like oh no, I obviously talk too much - but they were actually commenting on my lung capacity - that should be the subject of another post - what people say and what we hear).  What I realized was that they are incredible listeners and so I asked them how can I become a better listener?  They gave me a few good pointers which I’ll use as part of my how tos.

First, don’t talk back immediately - let the person talking really talk before you jump in.
Second, affirm what you heard by repeating it briefly (so you feel x,y, z)
Third, ask questions to clarify the topic at hand
Last, don’t necessarily respond immediately - try to step back and consider the topic before formulating a response.

Teaching kids to take advice well is, as usual, a lot about modeling behavior. When they come to us we have to listen and consider their points. We can’t always have a formulated opinion on their issues before the discussions begin. If we want them to listen to and heed our advice we have to show them it’s not a one way street.

 But we also have to realize advice isn’t a directive. It’s an idea and we can choose what parts of it we integrate into our response and behavior. Kids have their own world views, even at a really young age and especially as they come into their teenage years. They’re not going to agree to our exact view of things every time. Yes, there will be times they buy into the whole idea but those will be few and farther between. As long as they hear what we have to say, consider it and come up with a viable solution they have “taken” our advice.

Recently I was having a discussion with one of my teenagers. We were disagreeing about some safety protocols for the car. I was of the belief that they needed to slow it down and use more caution. Somehow between when I taught them to drive and the discussion they’d lost all sense of caution and understanding that a car is a really powerful machine which can do damage if not managed properly. I made some mistakes during the conversation (which we’ll discuss in the giving advice section) and so did they. Instead of hearing what I had to say the immediate response was “you’re paranoid mom and I’m a good driver.”  I was totally shut out before the discussion even got underway. Had they tried to be a more active listener they may have heard my point - exercise more caution - without disregarding me entirely. To be honest I do think they are checking themselves a little more because even when kids seem to ignore us I’m fairly certain they hear some of what we say.

So to call it a wrap - teaching kids to take advice is mostly about helping them become active listeners, realizing that even if they don’t take all of what we say and put it into action that’s ok as long as they take some pieces of it (or devise another alternative) and come up with a reasonable course of action or solution.

Summertime and the Livin' is Easy...How to Enjoy Free Time with your Kids

Now that summer is upon us I wanted to share some ideas how to make enjoyable QT with your kids.  Some people are lucky enough to have your kids home for the whole summer while others have to fit time in post work.  I'll try to make this relevant for all kinds.

I'll start with a disclaimer - I was lucky enough to have many, many years of Camp Mommy with my kids when they were young.  When I went back to full time work 2 summers ago, the hardest part for me was not getting to do Camp Mommy with the kids.  I hated the thought that I'd have to send them somewhere else for someone else to build memories with them.  Don't get me wrong - it was a lot of work, there were many days where I was exhausted and frustrated - but overall I loved it.  It isn't for everyone but it really is the stuff that makes memories.  Even if you aren't the type who can keep kids home the whole summer - a week or two is extremely special and the kids remember those summers so fondly. 

So I guess I should really make this two parts -

Part 1: Creating a Camp Mommy
If you have the opportunity to have the kids home - whether it is a week or two or a whole summer - Camp Mommy can be fun for you and the kids. No matter if you live in a city or in the middle of nowhere - there is so much to explore.  Here are some things I recommend:
1. Make a schedule - when you don't have schedule, things can feel out of control.  I used to have a loose outline of how the days would go.  Kids often do better with some structure - there are only so many days you can chill and sleep late and then decide what to do.
2. Take Trips! We usually had one trip day a week - somewhere you would go to explore or enjoy where you had never gone (or places you just love and want to keep going back to).  If you have bigger kids, letting them take turns planning the trip days can be a lot of fun and give them an opportunity to develop their planning skills.  Remember to check your local festival list, nature hikes nearby, Geocaching (a national scavenger hunt), and museums and zoos nearby.  If you're adventurous, drive a little farther once in a while and find a beach or lake.
3. Art - there is art all over - pinterest and other websites have many crafting ideas if you don't have ones of your own.  Found art is particularly fun and can be combined with trips (like finding the letters of their name in nature on a hike and photographing them and making collages).
4. Exercise together - biking, swimming, running - the possibilities are endless.  You will be a better parent if you work this into your schedule with the kids so you get your exercise in.
5. Make T-Shirts for your "camp" - my kids have passed down "Camp Mommy" t-shirts to their younger siblings since they have one from every summer.  These are particularly useful to wear on trip day.
6. Make cooking/ baking /grocery shopping part of your activities - one thing you find when kids are home with you during the summer is it can get really hard to fit the real life tasks into your days.  If you involve them in these and set aside one day a week (or possibly part of two days) to take care of the mundane (scavenger hunt grocery shopping is very fun, writing the shopping list for younger kids who are learning to read/write), you will find it far less frustrating to fit the real stuff in.
7. Reward Good Sibling Behavior - one thing that happens often when kids are home together is they begin to bicker.  If you head that off to start with it can make a huge difference.  A chart with a weekly reward trip (think Slurpee's) makes for a good reason to head off the fighting.
8. Set Goals - kids thrive on success.  Find things you want to accomplish over the summer and keep track of them.  I usually have the kids set goals for books to read, swimming strokes to learn, etc.
9. Publish! Every Friday we would create our own newsletter of what we did at Camp Mommy that week.  It was fun, great computer skills, and a great way to share what we did with their Dad (who was working so we could have Mommy Camp).
10. Create your own game - many people have seen version of Monopoly that are personalized - create a family version of this or any other game and play it (even add real life rewards).  This can become a really fun family pass-time.

I'll happily provide a list of DC locations for trips and exploration for anyone local and art project ideas for anyone who is interested.

Part 2: Increasing QT and Creativity while the kids are off school
So for those of us who can't take the whole summer to be with the kids - fear not, all is not lost.  There is still so much time and energy you can use to increase your time with the kids in the summer.  I always want to take advantage of the time where they are usually doing their homework and all tapped out from a whole day at school.  Try to shake up your normal daily routine and make time for fun.  This can take on so many different faces - you can go to the pool after work for a relaxing afternoon and let bedtime be a bit later than usual.  You can do an arts and crafts project (see above about arts and crafts if you need ideas).  You can still make your own T-Shirts, take some evening outings, and build in time for special summer activities.  Take advantage of your Sundays - there should be fewer Sunday birthday parties, extra curricular activities, etc - and take some trips.  If you have the opportunity to take a family trip - try to build in some extra excitement (i.e. planning together for bigger kids, make t-shirts before you go).

Some people find unstructured time to be extremely frustrating but I really believe if you create your own structure and try to view summers as an opportunity to create memories with your kids you will feel fulfilled and benefit from the time.  Yes, there will be challenging days (possibly many of them) but in the end they remember those times and appreciate the effort you put into them.

The Art of Debate - Teaching How To Argue

There comes a time when kids feel the need to debate you about things (sometimes about everything). For many kids this begins at a very young age. Different kids feel the need for this at different ages. For my kids it started just about the time they could form sentences!

I think it pays to think about how and why the kids debate or argue with us to figure out the best tools to give them to have respectful arguing habits.

In order to do this we should probably start with the most common types of arguments people use (better known as logical fallacies) as a refresher for those not so familiar.  There are certain types of arguments that are common and often effective but illogical. These include (but aren’t limited to)

•  ad hominem attack - when you attack a person rather than the issue at hand
• Circular - a logical fallacy in which the person begins with what they’re trying to end with
• Appeal to authority - when you use the opinion or actions of someone deemed respected as the validation for your argument 
• Appeal to ignorance - depending on the ignorance of the other party to win your argument 
• Slippery slope - when you argue that something is wrong because it will cause other things (worst case scenario)

To learn more about this topic - check out https://www.amazon.com/Illustrated-Book-Bad-Arguments/dp/1615192255/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?keywords=bad+arguments+ali+almossawi&qid=1559918575&s=gateway&sprefix=bad+argu&sr=8-2 An Illustrated Book of Bad Arguments. 

Ok - so now that we are pros at arguments - which arguments are we using when debating things with our kids? Can we teach them the art of debate from a young (or teen) age so they can effectively argue points without attacking or insulting? Let’s look at each fallacy in our list and find tools to counter those with positive argument skills. 

Ad Hominem- I often overhear kids (and some adults) using name calling when they talk to each other and “debate” points (“are you stupid” is one that comes readily to mind). What they are really trying to say is more about were you not focused on what I was saying and didn’t comprehend it? Possibly spaced out and missed some details? Ad hominem attacks take the focus away from the topic and onto the person - never what you are really aiming for. I think most people are left feeling guilty after using these since they didn’t “win” the debate and they hurt or offended someone in the process. So step 1 - help kids focus on the WHAT - what is it you’re arguing/debating about? Stay on point and it will remain respectful. 

Circular- everyone goes into a debate with a goal in mind. If you are only focusing on your point or your goal you will never truly hear the other sides point. So Step 2 - LISTEN and open your mind (and ears) to the other side and try and understand their take on the issue. You may be surprised by what you hear. If you only have your end goal in mind it’s more of a monologue than a debate. 

Appeal to authority- whatever you are debating about has its own merits. If the only reason you can find for your side of a debate is because someone else said it or did it - you probably don’t have much reason behind your stance. Step 3 - WHY? Be able to answer the question yourself before you try and defend your position to someone else. 

Appeal to Ignorance - no one knows about everything in this world - it’s a vast universe and we can’t and won’t know everything. Don’t use ignorance to your advantage. Step 4 - EXPLAIN- if there are facts or information you need to share about the situation to clarify - please do!

Slippery Slope - this part is more what we shouldn’t do when arguing or debating with our kids - deal with the situation at hand and not the worst case scenario of what may happen if you do agree to whatever the issue at hand is. 

To summarize - when teaching kids the art of debate - ask these questions 

1. What are you arguing about? Stay on point 
2. Listen to both sides of the debate and don’t prejudge your position 
3. Be able to answer the Why of what you’re discussing 
4. Share all the facts and information 
5. Deal with the case in point and not everything else that may happen

If they can master these steps they’ll be respectful debaters and may even win more debates at home and in life - respectful debate goes far. 

Am I My Brothers Keeper?

There are many different manifestations of sibling rivalry and to attempt to approach the entire topic in one post would be, honestly, prideful. Instead we will choose one aspect of it at a time and analyze that. Today, at a readers request, I’ll deal with one way to approach sibling mockery. By the way I do think that it’s similar when you deal with sibling mockery versus friend mockery but sometimes children have a tendency to uniquely torture their own siblings in a way they would never do to a friend.   Either way I hope this discussion will help you reduce the issue in your own house.

 Like so many other things,, I think it is important to first deal with the why before you deal with the how. In general in life I think that so many issues stem from not understanding the cause and once you identify it is so much easier to find solutions.  Let’s be real - even once we understand the causes that won’t make sibling rivalry (in any form) end - but it will help shape our approach. Any time a person belittles another person I believe it mostly stems from the way they feel about themselves. People with low self esteem tend to thrive on finding reasons other people are inadequate and focusing on that instead of doing the hard work of building themselves up and being real with themselves about how they feel. It is SO hard to admit this to ourselves but it is also SO true. Usually a child who belittles another child - especially a sibling - is jealous of how comfortable that person Is with themselves and how they don’t seem to care as much about how others view them. They’re doing the classic make them feel small so I can feel big technique. Some of it does get fixed with maturity but that is far too long for most of us to wait. Also this lack of self esteem usually comes out in more ways than just this one. Helping kids build their self esteem - identifying what causes them to think poorly of themselves, working on how we are approaching their successes and failures, and loads of other things (which we will definitely address in a separate post) will definitely be key to helping the self esteem issues your child may be facing. But lest you think that you need that completely fixed to address the mockery issue - you don’t. Simply identifying the cause can help you find solutions.

Poor self esteem isn’t the only driving factor in sibling mockery (or mockery in general) but I tend to see it as the greatest issue.  I think it also pays  to look at we approach situations - make sure there isn’t an underlying issue going on in the house where people belittle others. Sometimes you aren’t aware of your own patterns until you see them playing out in your children. This is a hard pill to swallow but a true one. Oftentimes what began as a high school habit of mocking each other because we thought it was “groovy” turned into a mode of behavior for us. I’m sure by the time anyone reads this they’re at least slightly past high school and it’s time to eradicate the traces of those behaviors in ourselves in order to promote an atmosphere of kindness in our houses. Yes, I’m aware that sounds like preaching but there are times we just all need to hear the truth.

I’m sure there are other reasons you may discover   That are unique to your children about why they are doing what they’re doing and I think it’s good and healthy to explore these when planning an approach to fixing the issue.

On to some techniques that may help reduce the mockery among siblings.

Before the do’s I will stress one very big don’t. Don’t mock your child to make them “know how it feels” - mockery is painful and they won’t get it they’ll just get hurt.

It goes without saying that a good sit down with your child once you’ve thought through the roots of the issue is necessary and helpful. Identifying these behaviors at a calm, non confrontational moment is essential. Explain what you see, why you think it happens and how you can help them conquer this behavior.

Then on to some behavior modification. The first option here is counter intuitive but we’ve actually had some success with it. The worst thing to a child seeking acceptance is to feel that they’re not cool. A short and sweet conversation with the child perpetrating the mockery telling them how interesting it is that they’re “obsessed” with their younger sibling and are just dying to give them extra attention goes a long way. Reminding them each episode how obsessed and into their sibling they are can somehow go an even longer way. All they want is to somehow distance themselves from said sibling because they’re deemed “uncool” and here they keep being reminded how much they’re clearly into them. For some kids this trick goes a long way.

Second, either combined with the first or as a separate approach - incentivize positive behavior. Each time your mocking child praises or compliments their siblings - praise them. Loudly, often, repeatedly. The power of positive enforcement cannot be understated. Focus on the good behaviors more than the poor ones.

Third, set up a code word or phrase with your child where you can remind them when they’re getting into a certain behavioral mode (I use this often, no just for this particular behavior). It’s something only you and the child are aware of and it can sound like nothing to an observer but it’s a good way to subtly remind them to pull back and change gears before they’re too deep into the behavior.  Oftentimes there’s a key point of no return and it’s important  to learn to recognize that point for each child and try very hard to help them pull back before they reach it (we all kind of have that point ourselves we just usually naturally pull ourselves back over time before we cross that line).

Like with many parenting dilemmas, there is no magic potion or secret trick which will cure this behavior right away but often with consistency and a multi-pronged approach you can help your child mature out of this behavior faster and spare the other siblings much unnecessary grief.

This Too Shall Pass - How to Teach Resilience

Life doesn’t always hand us a bag of peaches, much as we would like it to, so the big question I'm grappling with in this post is how can we best teach our kids the coping and survival skills to make the best of the rough situations they’ll inevitably face in life.  This is something I’ve thought about quite a lot lately as I’ve been dealing with a variety of situations which have been far less than ideal.

To start with - yet again - I think it’s important to analyze ourselves a bit. How do we react to adverse situations? Do we take a positive attitude looking for a silver lining or do we spend a lot of time dwelling on the hard parts of the situation? Do we look to blame or just accept things for what they are? We could pick apart our own reactions and find ways we can model good approaches towards issues to begin with.  Ideally we should work on our own reactions to adverse situations and try our best to find the positive in the adversity and focus on those. Beyond modeling the behavior, though, there’s a lot we can do to help give them the tools to deal with adversity.

I like to try a method I think of as the Rule of 3.  Simply, you try to find the three most important factors to dealing with any item that arises.  If you can find and apply a rule of three, you can attempt to approach any situation more positively. 

I'll use a running example for the rule of three since it may help frame the idea  - here are three things to focus on to help succeed in your run -
1. Don't go at it alone - find great partners to keep you motivated
2. Believe you can do it - usually just believing in yourself can get you farther than you could imagine
3. Keep at it - even when you don't think you have it in you - take one more step and that usually leads to another

How can we use this to help teach our kids resilience? Work with them to find 3 things in any given situation that can be their "rules" to approach the situation.  Personally I think #1 on the running example is actually #1 of any approach you can take with them.  The worst thing a person can feel in dealing with any situation is that they are alone.  Stress the support system to your children.  Discuss it when you are approaching your own adversity and remind them about it with every adverse situation they feel.  Loneliness is the fuel for all things negative - the more a person thinks they are alone with their struggle, the harder it is to face that struggle.  Stress to your child in any situation that they have backup - always! Of course they have you, the parent, but they're not always going to want you as their support system - so make sure they create other supports.  Other adults who they can talk to (grandparents, mentors, family friends) and of course, their own friends. 

Then go on to help them create another one to two "rules" to help them frame their situation.  If they can apply these rules to their situation they can give themselves the tools to approach the situation better. 

Let's take an example.  A child is struggling in school with a bully.  No matter what they do they can't seem to shake this child and their behavior.  Day after day they are coming home and discussing the different antics this child is pulling on them.  You've tried to help them self-advocate (and of course you're dealing with the situation from an adult level) - but instead of them coming day after day and feeling like a victim - you can help empower them.  Enter the Rule of 3.

Here is a sample rule of 3 you may help them create.
Rule 1 - You're NOT Alone.  Help them find solutions to how they can make sure not to face the problem alone.  They can talk to the teacher/school counselor/principal etc.  They can make sure they have a buddy during unsupervised times to help keep the bully and his/her behaviors away. 

Rule 2 - Get Perspective! Think what may be going on in the bully's life that is making them behave this way.  Does he/she have problems at home? Is he/she lonely? Does he/she have issues that no one is catching and that's why they're behaving this way? Sometimes just understanding the perspective of the other party in the issue can be extremely helpful in allowing them to find a solution to the situation, if there is one.  Perspective can also allow them to assess how lucky they are not to have those things in their life.

Rule 3 - Refocus! There are far too many times where something arises in a child's life and everything starts to revolve around that.  Help them refocus so they can stop giving their emotional energy to the situation and can instead channel their energy to more positive situations in their life. 

Aside from their Rules - I believe it is important to stress to them that blaming anyone or anything during adversity does not solve anything.  So often we quickly jump to assign blame for something that is happening in life - to us or around us - but that blame doesn't do anything to help resolve the situation.  It is important to avoid the blame game as it diverts energy from resolutions.  Most of the time it is not important who caused something - it is important to focus on solutions and resolutions.  In cases where a behavior is recurrent and you notice an obvious catalyst, of course it is important to identify that - but the blame game rarely actually identifies these, it is more of a finger pointing exercise 

Like most things, modeling and working through situations will help our kids build this skill set for themselves.  As each situation arises, or as chronic issues continue to resurface - try the Rule of 3 method and hopefully you'll watch as they begin to create and apply their own rules to situations that arise. 

Technology

Technology is something we have no choice but to contend with in today’s day and age - but before we talk about kids and tech I think we have to look at the bigger picture. As a parent whenever I’m thinking about something I feel my kids need to deal with I first have to look at how I deal with it. Because like it or not we are constantly setting examples for the kids about how to be. So let’s ask ourselves a few questions about tech. How much does it control us? How often are we on our phones/devices? Not during the workday when it is part of our jobs - after hours. When we are sitting with our kids and playing a game - do we check our phone? When having a conversation or sitting at dinner? Does every buzz make us grab it and see if we’re needed for something? If you have social media are you constantly checking in on it?

I think to model good tech habits to our kids - even before setting up our systems and our guidelines- we have to be modeling restraint and proper phone time for our lives. We need to have a system to get the phones out of our hands and away for times when it isn’t appropriate.

Sometimes we think a challenge is unique to our generation - no one had such accessible devices before. But honestly I remember my mom on her cordless phone or walking the kitchen with the phone cord wrapping everywhere - I’m sure they dealt with this also. We’ve  just got a new twist on an old issue - setting boundaries to not allow tech to invade our houses and control them.

So once we determine we have a good handle on how we want tech to be involved in our own life we can turn to how to introduce and modulate it in the kids lives.

First up - there are some essential tools that help in monitoring tech if you know where they are and you put them in place before you hand a device over to your kids. In the settings of any iPhone (and I’m sure android) are parental controls. In here you can set time limits, put a password on downloads and loads of other things to protect your kids automatically.

Here’s a link to show you exactly how to set controls and what is available.
https://m.imore.com/how-to-use-parental-controls-iphone-ipad

And there are secondary Apps you can use to monitor devices on your Wi-Fi. I am sure many of these exist and my list will be out date before I finish Writing but one good one I know of is called Disney circle. It allows you to register every device on your Wi-Fi and set shut down and time limits and types of apps which are not allowed or websites that it will block for you. Last I checked it cost Around $100 and I thought it was money well spent. The one drawback is clever kids who are desperate to get around it may find it and unplug it. If you have it when they are small I think they accept it more. You have the advantage of being ahead of some of this technology. Once your kids are teens and you have lots of battles to fight sometimes this doesn’t get into the A basket.

I guess the bigger question is how much or how little do we want to give the phone or any kind of technology to kids in order to allow them to get the benefit without getting the addiction. This is a really personal question and I think there is no blanket answer. Different kids have different needs and also different tendencies. Apps like Instagram and Facebook and Snapchat are built to addict - that is their goal and they study the science of addiction in order to make their apps tailored to dependency. Those are in a very different category than some educational games or watching movies. I think people have to decide how much screen time they want to allow their kids weekly and count every time you handover a phone or an iPad as part of that screen time. We tend to handover our phone when we’re asked can I play a game and not necessarily count that as screen time but really it all adds up. If you have a strategy for the amount of time and the amount of time at one sitting you are ok with then I think it makes technology easier to control.  It’s almost like dieting where everyone thinks a little of this or a little of that doesn’t count but when you’re really trying for weight control or weight loss you know that the little things add up. If a kid is handed a device every time we need a little break or they nudge us then they get used to constantly being on a device but if there is a set amount of time and you involve them in controlling some of when they can use it  - within  the parameters you set then they get a measure of control (something kids crave desperately) and they learn how to self regulate.Discussing it with them helps this model I.e. you can choose to play this game or watch this YouTube video but then will mark off 20 minutes on your weekly time.  You can have a sheet with a graph - maybe a bargraph for a little kids -where each block of time that they’re allowed is one chunk of the graph and then they can color it in. They know they’ve used that one and they have however many blocks you allocate for the week. All just ways for them to visually conceptualize what they’re doing and eventually they will get the idea more concretely.

Housekeeping and Cleanliness

Ok now here’s when things start to get real for me. Everyone has their THING- the issue that impedes their ability to  function like a normal human. For me we have hit that topic. I’m completely ok with mess as the day goes along - but walking in to a disaster makes all my rational parenting skills dissolve and all I feel is frustration. I’m sure there are other people who get affected by physical mess this way - and I’m sure there are those among us who simply don’t care and can sort it out without losing it. Whichever category you fall into - dealing with kids and housekeeping and having a strategy for it can help a lot. For most people housekeeping is a B basket issue. I try to remind myself that in this way I should strive to be like most people. This is one that reminds me that it is not an urgent issue and should be handled when the time is right - not in panic mode.

Like so much of what we discuss - modeling and planning how to address housekeeping issues not only helps in the short run (you never want to feel like your kids maid) but will help them build much needed skills for the long run as well. That being said - be realistic. Whatever you teach them and however amazing you can score on this topic - as the parent you will always be doing the lions share of the housework. No matter how much they help, running a house and raising a family creates loads and loads of messes and - to be fair - we chose our family and (most likely) how many kids we have (give or take a few surprises for some people) and it’s not realistic to expect the kids to pick up most of the slack. But what can they do and how can we best show them how to be active participants in the house in a meaningful way?

First, involve them. It sounds simple but sometimes it is so much  faster and easier to do things ourselves when the kids are little (or big, truthfully, as teenagers don’t often respond on the first attempt or the tenth) that we simply take care of them. That is a no-no in my book, within reason of course. If you start your kids young feeling responsible for their surroundings, I believe you instill in them a feeling of responsibility.  It doesn’t have to be huge tasks at the beginning but even clearing their dishes when they finish, involving them in the washing up, getting them a little broom - whatever it takes to make them feel part of the cleanup routine. When they’re getting ready to go into the bath - they put their stuff in the hamper. They spread their bed covers in the morning. Small things that take a little extra patience on our end can payoff big time in the long run.

Now, if you’re coming into this at a different point in your parenting - all is not lost if you didn’t start this way. Parenting means having the ability to change directions and introduce new things. Starting a new routine with older kids is hard but not impossible. Especially if you can be honest and open with your kids in a non emotional way about an issue that is happening at home. Recently I’ve been overwhelmed by the sheer amount of cleanup and I realized I had totally succumbed to this mistake - not setting clear standards for what people should be contributing to in the housework and just taking care of it once everyone was settled for the  night- and I was exhausted. After several failed attempts at soliciting help - I wrote my kids a little letter (on the family WhatsApp, yes, the new age way to do it) and I asked them to be cognizant of the fact that after a full day of work I don’t really want to spend hours cleaning up at night and miss out on time with the younger kids so if everyone  pitched in and we cleaned the kitchen all at once we could probably cut the time significantly. It didn’t work overnight but with consistency and reminders it is getting so much better. The key is not to wait until it’s at breaking point and you’re ready to snap to address it - it’s never too late and nothing is impossible. I tell my kids we have a reset button in each of us and sometimes it’s time to push it.

Another truth here - sometimes we need a repercussion no discussion tactic here. If you’ve tried the positive routes and are not making progress - then comes time for the talk. I recently started a policy - if your stuff is out when I find it - it goes to the lost  and found. In my house, that was inconveniently located on the back porch. Weather was not a factor in this one. No one really wanted to be stuck going outside to find their shoes or backpacks that they had left strewn all over. It didn’t take too long for this policy to help with the messes that were being left for me.

There is so much that can be said for the topic of housekeeping so I’ll stop at this point for now and pick it back up at a future date with more on this topic.

What About Me?

Inevitably there comes a time when every one of us is tapped out. There is not a parent in the world who doesn't get to a point where they are just DONE.  I honestly think that no matter how hard you try, this will happen to every one of you at some point in your parenting.  I'm not being a naysayer - I'm just being honest.  And I want you to realize it is OK to be done every once in a while.  I've heard of more than a few Mommy Time Outs people have needed.

When the kids are younger and there is more physical exhaustion to contend with you think you're tired, but when the kids hit their teen years and there are no diapers to change - the exhaustion takes on a whole different meaning.  You need to attend to yourself at all stages - because parenthood shouldn't totally define your view of yourself.

What I want to discuss is more about how to prevent getting to a point where you are so tapped out that it takes a toll on your life and your family.  Where you let it go too far for too long and lose a little of who you are.  And often you lose who you are as a couple in the mix of who you are as parents.

Before you think - that is not the kind of person I am and that will never happen to me - let me just be honest - it totally happened to me at a certain point in my kids teen years.  I always thought of myself as first a mother and next a wife and third a person.  I'm not telling you my priorities were totally messed up but I do think I was making a huge mistake.

There I was, 37 years old with 2 small children and inundated by the older kids who had suddenly become teenagers.  I thought I had the whole parenting thing figured out and understood the routine but all of that confidence had ebbed - suddenly my teenagers couldn't stop telling me how wrong I was, irrelevant, hypocritical - every step I took felt like it was in the wrong direction.  I was facing scenarios I had no experience with and no idea how to proceed with - and yet I was the Mom and was supposed to know what I was doing.

In my opinion - the order should probably be first I'm a person, a unique and talented individual who has loads to contribute to this world.  Next, I'm a mom and a wife.  I have roles that I play and those are essential but they don't define the sum total of who I am.

Why is this distinction so important?   The truth of the matter is that mothers and fathers who never take the time out to be individuals lose some of themselves.  Don’t forget you will have a life once your kids leave the house also - if for no other reason keep that in mind. You need to keep developing in life - you need to have a growth mindset.  You need time to rest and recharge and continuously define who and what you are and what your personal goals are.  When your kids are young it seems almost impossible to get those moments for yourself but they are crucial.  One thing I think I didn't realize is that even small things make a difference.  There is almost never a time when you can't make ANY time.  A car running on empty can't drive forever.  Try to remember a time before you had a spouse and kids - I'm sure there were so many self nurturing things you did to keep going.  Increased responsibility shouldn't make those things less important.  They are far more difficult to prioritize but that actually makes them more important, not less.

I think it is important every once in a while to do something big (like a trip away without kids) and I think its really nice to get a date night often (but full disclosure - if we get one every 3-4 months we're lucky) but those are not the only things that self nurture.  You need regular scheduled time where you can be an adult and an individual and other times just a couple. 

If planning a night out or a trip away without kids is too hard (which it is for many parents) - then find little things you can do to get breaks.  Play a game at night after your kids go to bed.  Take a walk.  Join a gym with babysitting and make a point to get there at least twice a week.  Find an exercise class that meets early and make the  effort to go.  Find a study partner and learn something together.  Go to the library and get a book on a topic you know nothing about and learn it.  Whatever it is - keep yourself engaged.  Everyone has different avenues to do this (mine is almost always exercise - I could go on a lot about the benefits from a health and mind/body wellness perspective but I'll only do that if people request an exercise how to post).  Volunteer somewhere other than your kids school - a community organization or a cause that means a lot to you (warning - don't over commit on this even if you think it is your self nurturing time because it tends to impact your family if you do and then you'll find it more a drain on you than a self nurturing setting).  It doesn't matter what form your self nurturing time takes - you need to make it a priority.

In the end of the day your kids are actually going to manage without you and your house likely won't fall apart from a little neglect if that is what it takes.  If you have a supportive partner, hopefully they won't allow that to happen - they'll pick up the pieces when you get to be out and you won't suffer from it after.  Sometimes we need to encourage our partners to make this time for themselves if they don't know how to as well.  The end result is a better parent who has more time and energy to give to their kids.  And kids who see balance.  And a house which is healthier.

Let's be honest - there will still be days you're gonna be DONE - but you, the person who you are and the human in you - will be thriving and well.

Family Time

Family time can either be an amazing experience where everyone really feels they bonded or an absolute nightmare - depending on so many factors.

Let’s take  a typical example. You are trying to get some QT in with your kids and you’ve planned an outing. You’ve put energy and thought into what the kids would like and you’ve carved out this much needed time. Then BAM - one of the kids pipes up and says this outing is stupid and the whole tone is set - in all the wrong ways. I can’t count how many times this has happened in my life and it’s so incredibly frustrating. You just want them to take advantage of the opportunities and not prejudge them. You want everyone to realize that fun is what you make fun. But that perspective is so very lacking at a young age - they’re living in the here and now and do not seem to be able to see past it. So how can we make family time an all around good experience?

If I had the perfect answer to this I think I would be the best selling author to a self help parenting book - but I can offer some ideas and perspective that may help improve both the actual family time and your personal experience with it.

Family time can take on so many faces - in the house with a game night, dinner outdoors where everyone sits down at  once, a short outing or a big trip. Don’t discount small family time opportunities. Not to sound cliche but life really is made up of a compilation of lots of little things. Make small opportunities more often so the family gets into a good groove of just being together and  present.

I think it helps to have perspective on what your expectations are for time together. All too often I find that things are disappointing because my expectations were too high. I don’t recommend having no expectations but my motto in life is to always keep my expectations of others low so I’m surprised when things work out well. It may sound pessimistic but in a way it leaves more room for happiness with situations.

Practically here are some ways to maximize the family time. First, I’d highly recommend making a no personal tech rule for family time - it’s reallt hard to bond when you’re competing with the phone for “face time”. Second, for both the small and big family time experiences - set a time limit. Just like when you are out with your kids anywhere and you want to quit when you’re ahead - family time should have a structure and when you finish don’t drag it out. Meltdowns from over extending the time will likely be all you remember from an outing and can so easily be avoided. This applies to small kids as well as teens (and lets be real, parents also).  Third, don’t make small family times an A basket issue. This is a hard thing for me to live up to but over time I’ve learned - if a child is making an issue about family time and they’re going to ruin it for everyone else - let it be. Sometimes family time can be partial family too. As hard as this is it’s really smart for the general vibe. I’ve let a child stay home and skip a day trip and I even once conceded and let one miss a family vacation. It wasn’t a battle I wanted to fight and it didn’t feel like even if I won the remainder of the family would benefit. I wouldn’t recommend this as Plan A and I’d certainly say this only kicks in when you’re dealing with older teens - but even little kids sometimes can’t hack a small family time experience like a game night when they’re in a rotten mood and it’s OK to say this is one you can sit out. I know I’ll have people who disagree on that but I’ve listened to too many parents complain about a ruined family time experience because they forced a recalcitrant child to be part and I think it’s sad to ruin it for everyone. I would, however, strongly advise that if you need to take this route - make sure the rest have a blast so they talk it up and that child senses they don’t want to miss out again.

Now for the how to ideas - involve the kids in the planning. If you make it too much of a free for all you’re unlikely to come to a Consensus but you could take different approaches to this. A round robin planning opportunity could help. Have a chart where each kid gets a turn to plan the monthly (or weekly or whatever interval) outing. Or which game to play after dinner one weekend night. A little pep talk about people being cooperative with others ideas if they want others to be cooperative about theirs may go far in this arena. Or there could be an ongoing list of activity ideas and you could choose one or two to vote on each time. There are a ton of website which list things to do in your area. If you’re heading to a new place - googling “24 hours in (location ) to find out the highlights of that area. Set a budget before you suggest an idea so you can know what the parameters are. Adding more financial stress to families is never conducive to a relaxing experience.

For big trips - remember less is more. Yes - there are places that are conducive to sunrise to twilight  days - but on more relaxed big trips- go for later mornings (even if your kids don’t sleep late) so there’s a relaxed feeling and people can take their time and have free playing opportunities. In general try to plan but not over plan. Vacations can be relaxing with kids (to a degree) if you don’t feel like every moment needs structure. And (on the topic of the big trips) - expect some parts to be less than family bonding oriented because everyone can’t be “on” all the time and disagreements will happen.  Try not to let them mark the time - like other things - take a step back when they don’t go as planned, find that reset and remind yourself of the big picture - bonding and memories. After a short reset break you can likely take it back to where you want it to be.  One last suggestion for big trips - establish some traditions. These can be little things like a song you sing every time you pass something on the road (going to the beach every summer we sang “it’s a grand old flag” every time we passed an American flag) or games you play on the road or a specific game you always play in vacation (long evenings of Risk for those old enough to remember it). You could choose anything but you’d be amazed to hear your kids talk about these years later with such fondness. This only hit me recently when my oldest kids (some already in college) were telling the younger (who are still in elementary) about those things from past trips.

The C Basket

The C Basket is the basket that teaches me when to let go.  Everyone has habits and things in their personalities you aren't gonna love.  You can't control everything that your kids (or spouse or anyone for that matter) does in life.  The C basket helps remind you about what we can and can't (should/shouldn't) interfere with in life.  C basket items are ones we should just learn to let go of.  If they say "like" every third word - does it really matter? Do you think they'll still be doing this when they get a real job and are adults? Unlikely.

You may be surprised how many things fall into the C basket category.  So often something seems so important in the moment but when we take a step back we realize it is really not something worth making an issue about.

Lets take small kids as a simple example.  They love to dress themselves and often their wardrobe choices really don't align with what we feel is publicly acceptable.  Let's think about this for a minute - who is the one caring about clothing choices?  Is it me, the parent, worried about what people will think when I take my kids out looking a certain way? If kids would be allowed to control these types of choices and instead of them being battles they were just looked at as C basket issues - how happy could our home lives be? Small things so often get magnified and take on a life of their own but with a new magnifying glass we can better sort out which items are significant and which are really not worth the time and effort.  We hear so often in life to pick our battles but sometimes it takes a bit more clarification and thinking to know what really is a worthwhile battle.

Baskets change by the family and by the stage and there are always exceptions on top of that.  They are a framework which helps us make choices about when and how to approach our children's behaviors.  Big Picture and Baskets go hand in hand.  Together, they can hopefully help you build a framework to appraoch parenting.

At this point I think I may just dive into topics of interest and go back to philosophizing over parenting theory when the time seems right.

The B Basket

When it comes to the B basket, the guidelines I try to use are a few questions.  Will they outgrow this with maturity? Does this just bother me or is it an overall issue?  Even transient issues may need to be addressed at times because they're very hard to deal with and live with.  Sometimes they'll outgrow something in time but guidance would help them get through it.  There are things that kids need to learn because it makes the lives of those around them easier and that is part of learning also (think housekeeping habits).  B Basket items are more of a decision as far as when and how to address them.  The same No Discussion Just Repercussion applies - but you can decide when the best time to address them is.  There's flexibility in the B basket.

Before I get to the example on this one I want to make something clear.  Baskets are extremely helpful in dealing with struggles and issues which arise - but they also apply to positive situations.  I wouldn't want anyone thinking we're just figuring out how to discipline our kids here - I think positive parenting is essential.  If we want to build positive kids we need to have a positive spin on almost everything in life.  We want to approach the good in life and focus on it.  We want to build positive character traits.  We want the magnifying glass to show us all the amazing things in the world and that our kids have to offer and become.  Deciding baskets applies to the positive things.  Of course repercussions will be replaced by incentives in those cases - but the idea is the same.  Prioritizing what things we want to work on in our families and with our kids - the growth mindset - is baskets.

Let's look at a potential basket B situation.  In my house, school performance is usually a B basket issue.  While grades themselves are not actually important to me - the effort put into school is crucial.  Grades are often an indication of what type of effort is being put forward.  I'll give a disclaimer here - I've always felt that for things like doing your homework, I - the parent - am not in charge of repercussions for failure to follow through.  I want the school to take ownership of the assignments they give and I never give my children incentives for doing or repercussions for not doing their homework.  Don't get me wrong, I don't discourage doing the homework and I always make myself available to help and even give them gentle reminders but I don't give repercussions for not doing it.  I digress, because we were talking about grades or school performance.  If a child is putting forth effort and not able to perform, I don't think that is a B basket issue (there may be other issues to address but that, again, is another topic), but a child who is under performing because of lack of effort usually falls into my B category.  Although the issue is important, it is not crucial.  I choose when and how to approach that issue.  I may set up ground rules with clear milestones they can hit and/or ways to show that they are making progress and if they fail to do that go to the no discussion just repercussion which I laid out.  A child who craves extra time on electronics, for example, may earn more time if they show they are doing the work or studying needed to put forth a good faith effort.  Although the failure to do their homework may be contributing to the issue, that is a conclusion I need them to come to on their own (another more on that later topic).  By doing so they're building their own skill set of how to problem solve and find solutions themselves.  It also helps take the focus away from the symptoms and more toward the issue.  The issue is lack of effort.  Effort can come out in many ways - rushing through homework isn't putting forth effort - so had I focused on the homework I would have a "weak" case here in my discussion with the child ("but I did do my homework") and my child would have taken the wrong lesson from the whole exercise.  My goal in this B case was to help my child understand and realize the value of putting their "all" into things - learning to make the effort even when they aren't terribly interested.  So I have to make sure my incentives/repercussions focus on that goal.  I also have to keep in mind, when doing this, what other basket issues I'm facing with this child.  If this particular child has an A basket issue we are working with, I may choose to overlook this for a while until that issue has been resolved.  Its a very case-by-case approach which helps me keep perspective on the importance of the issue at hand.

The Basket Method

The second part of my method started with discussions with my mother. Whenever an issue arose and I would discuss it with my mom she’d say “is that really in the A basket?” So began the basket concept (thank you Mom!) - one I use frequently in dealing with all issues with my kids (and others) in my life. It’s a two part process.

Part 1 - make sure any issues that arise go into the correct “basket”.  There are 3 baskets (categories) that things can be sorted into. Basket A - the really important things. In my A basket I put items like safety, respect, self control to name a few. In my B basket - the significant but not ‘make or break it’ items. In my B basket I put things like school issues, housekeeping matters, friend issues. In my C basket - insignificant items. In my C basket I put things like annoying word usage, silly habits.

Part 2 - dealing with the basket issues. My A basket has the most important issues - they are non negotiable and have set repercussions. One has to set these guidelines up with the kids with discussions to begin with so expectations are clear. We often do this without thinking what we are doing as we set examples and have talks with our kids as they are growing and changing. The discussions end, however, in the repercussion stage. After the fact, once a mistake has been made, there is no discussion just a repercussion.

The clearest examples of these are usually simple - I'll start with straight forward ones.  As our discussions continue we'll try to apply this to the real life situations we encounter constantly.  Toddler age safety - Your small child is getting to walk instead of a being in a stroller and you've told them they can walk without a hand on the sidewalk as long as they don't run towards the street -- and they run toward the street.  They compromised safety so now they have to hold a hand even on the sidewalk.  No discussion just repercussion.  As kids get bigger the same concept applies, it just doesn't always seem as clear cut.  Now the child is old enough to cross streets alone and you've made it clear that they can either cross at a corner on small streets or with a cross walk on larger ones.  One afternoon they're going to their friend around the corner and you see them run right across the middle of a street.  They lose their walk alone privilege until they can display proper safety. No discussion just repercussion.  Obviously these are very clear cut examples where we aren't going to be flexible when it comes to a child's safety.  Each person has their own A basket issues and we have to decide what items are non-negotiable in our families and our lives.  It is the critical basket.  When these issues arise there are always consequences - no matter how inconvenient a time they are for us (or our other kids).  For those of you reading who have small children - I personally think it is a great time and opportunity to think through the A basket.  I often find people think something is critical and must be dealt with immediately but if they take a step back they find things aren't as urgent as they may seem.

When taken together with the big picture theory - baskets can really help you identify how and when to deal with issues - especially ones you're struggling with for a particular child.

In order to make this digestible and also not too time consuming I think we'll stop here for today and discuss the B basket in my next post.

Introduction

By way of introduction ...

Every parent has a story - their unique journey into how their theories and methods developed.  There are so many type of parenting methods - and some who have no set method just intuition and circumstance.  Some parents think and plan before they start their families and others just wing it.  I think I'd put myself into mostly the just wing it category when we started our journey.  My first kids were born when I was in my early 20's and I honestly didn't think much about a theory or a method.  I was busy and distracted between several young kids and work and life going on what seemed like fast forward.  As the youngest in my own family I watched my siblings parent their kids and mostly used the copycat method to start with - I like this and not that type of parenting.  As my kids have grown I realized I needed a more thought out plan.  I hadn't been consistent and with maturity and experience I realized the value in a more uniform approach.

As with so many things in life - my plan is evolving even as I type.  I like to think of myself as a constant work in progress.  I don't really see anyone, at any age, as a set in stone person. Life teaches us so many lessons if we just tune in to them and the more we can take these lessons and tweak our personal story with them, the better we become as people.  As parents, I sometimes feel we are held to an unattainable standard - often by ourselves as much as our kids - so we do the best we can with the tools we have and hope that they are enough.  As a friend recently told me, I aim to be a good enough parent - I think I'd extend that to myself as a person - I aim to be a good enough person.  Try your best and know that failure is really just an introduction to success.  My goal in writing this is to help other parents have a voice they can relate to, a place where they can get positive parenting ideas and methods, where situations can be presented and ways to approach them discussed.  Almost a virtual parent support group.  As a mom to several teens, I very often feel that need for a support group, so maybe I'm writing this to give myself that framework as well.

Back to the methods of parenting.  So there I was in the very beginning with the just wing it style of parenting, taking each day as it came and being a situational parent. As each situation arrived, I dealt with it in whatever way seemed appropriate.  This method wasn't working very well, as you can well imagine.  First, it lacked consistency because you're not always going to remember how you dealt with this type of thing the last time.  Second, thinking on your feet is a great skill but not always the most effective strategy in life.  Last, I realized I am a person who analyzed every situation after the fact and was self-critiquing often.  Over time I realized that if I did the critique before the actual event I would have a much better handle on my life.  I like to think of this as Big Picture Parenting.  The thoughtful or big picture aspect of parenting helps you to develop an approach in which you look not only at the specific situation you are dealing with but the overall picture of this child, their current status and what is going on in their world and your families world.  It helps as a way to frame whatever is happening with that child.  If every issue was looked at not just for itself but as part of the bigger picture of who that child is and what their particular struggles are it would be much easier to decide how to approach their particular issues.  This works both in positive and negative situations.  Life keeps going - no matter what we do one thing you can always count on is the passage of time.  It is quite easy to be a bystander in your own life without meaning to be one.  It takes thoughtful introspection to become an active participant in your own life.  The ability to stop, reflect, and adjust behaviors accordingly is a skill that can be worked on as a person.  The same is true in parenting.

Many people Big Picture it subconsciously but sometimes it takes just spelling out the simple truths in life to revisit the way we approach things.  As a parent, I believe it helps to think through the why and what of the choices we make with our kids before we make decisions. And honestly - after also.  Making mistakes and not thinking things through is part of parenting and life.  So is failure.  The questions is not only why we failed in a particular situation but how we can succeed the next time around.  Be it the next day or week or situation.  Parents are a work in progress as much as kids are if only we take the time to think things through. 


A quick and simple example - you're deciding if your child can or should have extracurricular activities after school  Everyone is doing baseball and you want them to be part of a team and involved in what their friends are doing.  But with this particular child - once school is over they are so done and free play works so well for them.  Do you push the issue and force them to be on the team because you think they'll gain certain types of group skills from it and you want it for them or do you just leave it? Once you big picture this you may realize YOU want the baseball team but your child just wants to be left alone.  As situations are presented here later on, I will try to Big Picture them to help develop this framework.  Sometimes a small amount of retraining our thinking can go a long way in our lives.