Introduction

By way of introduction ...

Every parent has a story - their unique journey into how their theories and methods developed.  There are so many type of parenting methods - and some who have no set method just intuition and circumstance.  Some parents think and plan before they start their families and others just wing it.  I think I'd put myself into mostly the just wing it category when we started our journey.  My first kids were born when I was in my early 20's and I honestly didn't think much about a theory or a method.  I was busy and distracted between several young kids and work and life going on what seemed like fast forward.  As the youngest in my own family I watched my siblings parent their kids and mostly used the copycat method to start with - I like this and not that type of parenting.  As my kids have grown I realized I needed a more thought out plan.  I hadn't been consistent and with maturity and experience I realized the value in a more uniform approach.

As with so many things in life - my plan is evolving even as I type.  I like to think of myself as a constant work in progress.  I don't really see anyone, at any age, as a set in stone person. Life teaches us so many lessons if we just tune in to them and the more we can take these lessons and tweak our personal story with them, the better we become as people.  As parents, I sometimes feel we are held to an unattainable standard - often by ourselves as much as our kids - so we do the best we can with the tools we have and hope that they are enough.  As a friend recently told me, I aim to be a good enough parent - I think I'd extend that to myself as a person - I aim to be a good enough person.  Try your best and know that failure is really just an introduction to success.  My goal in writing this is to help other parents have a voice they can relate to, a place where they can get positive parenting ideas and methods, where situations can be presented and ways to approach them discussed.  Almost a virtual parent support group.  As a mom to several teens, I very often feel that need for a support group, so maybe I'm writing this to give myself that framework as well.

Back to the methods of parenting.  So there I was in the very beginning with the just wing it style of parenting, taking each day as it came and being a situational parent. As each situation arrived, I dealt with it in whatever way seemed appropriate.  This method wasn't working very well, as you can well imagine.  First, it lacked consistency because you're not always going to remember how you dealt with this type of thing the last time.  Second, thinking on your feet is a great skill but not always the most effective strategy in life.  Last, I realized I am a person who analyzed every situation after the fact and was self-critiquing often.  Over time I realized that if I did the critique before the actual event I would have a much better handle on my life.  I like to think of this as Big Picture Parenting.  The thoughtful or big picture aspect of parenting helps you to develop an approach in which you look not only at the specific situation you are dealing with but the overall picture of this child, their current status and what is going on in their world and your families world.  It helps as a way to frame whatever is happening with that child.  If every issue was looked at not just for itself but as part of the bigger picture of who that child is and what their particular struggles are it would be much easier to decide how to approach their particular issues.  This works both in positive and negative situations.  Life keeps going - no matter what we do one thing you can always count on is the passage of time.  It is quite easy to be a bystander in your own life without meaning to be one.  It takes thoughtful introspection to become an active participant in your own life.  The ability to stop, reflect, and adjust behaviors accordingly is a skill that can be worked on as a person.  The same is true in parenting.

Many people Big Picture it subconsciously but sometimes it takes just spelling out the simple truths in life to revisit the way we approach things.  As a parent, I believe it helps to think through the why and what of the choices we make with our kids before we make decisions. And honestly - after also.  Making mistakes and not thinking things through is part of parenting and life.  So is failure.  The questions is not only why we failed in a particular situation but how we can succeed the next time around.  Be it the next day or week or situation.  Parents are a work in progress as much as kids are if only we take the time to think things through. 


A quick and simple example - you're deciding if your child can or should have extracurricular activities after school  Everyone is doing baseball and you want them to be part of a team and involved in what their friends are doing.  But with this particular child - once school is over they are so done and free play works so well for them.  Do you push the issue and force them to be on the team because you think they'll gain certain types of group skills from it and you want it for them or do you just leave it? Once you big picture this you may realize YOU want the baseball team but your child just wants to be left alone.  As situations are presented here later on, I will try to Big Picture them to help develop this framework.  Sometimes a small amount of retraining our thinking can go a long way in our lives.